Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Posted by nadastimer (My Page) on
Mon, May 6, 02 at 14:27

I see lots of women on the Internet in real life that have terrible problems with their in-laws. I usually am fine with my future mother-in-law but sometimes I could scream. Most times we don't see her very often but then we feel bad because our son needs to see his Grandma~he has 3 grandmothers, 2 great grands, 4 grandfathers, and 2 great grandfathers! Anyway, my MIL sometimes butts her nose in where it shouldn't be. Like somehow she knows how much we spend on things and how much our bills are and even how much my fiance' makes each pay check. She'll call and question if we really paid the bills because of something we bought and she just can't see how we could afford it (a lot of our bigger stuff we put on layaway or we would never be able to get it). It doesn't matter what my fiance' tells her, she believes what she wants to and she will kinda just ignore him and keep saying, "whatever". It really upsets me because don't you think we know what is going on with our bills and it's our problem? We are more financially stable now than we were in the past 4 years I have been with my fiance'. It's beena good 3 years since things got so tight we needed to ask for help and we learned a lesson after that.

The real thing that is bothering me about my MIL is some things she recently told me about myself and my fiance'. My fiance' was having some problems and thought he was unhappy here with me but he's fine now. He had some things that he needed to talk to me about instead of holding inside. His mother will tell you they grew up in a house where they were free to speak their mind but they best watch how they say it, however it's not that way at all. It's more of a you can bring it up but she'll tell you how it is and you best keep your mouth shut. She told me once that she and her husband have only fought once in the 20 years they've been married...you know why? Because FIL keeps his mouth shut and doesnt' speak up about anything no matter how upset or angry he is. My fiance' says it's because he knows he'll never win! So from all this, my fiance' grew up to be afraid to speak his mind and talk stuff out. Instead you hold it in, get really mad, blow up and don't talk for ever how long. He needed someone besides me to talk about what he was feeling and he thought his mother would be the best person for some reason. She ended up trashing him and sending him home mad at her. Then she called me the next day and preceeded to very nicely tell me she thinks I smother him and love him too much. I also need to get a job (I'm a SAHM) and do something else because I worry too much about our son, my fiance' and the house (what does she want me to worry about? This is my life and my family!) Then I was told I have a VERY low self esteem (she even called family members of mine and questioned them about my mental behavior and they're shocked she would do such a thing!!!!!!!) and I don't feel I do. I'm much better than I was back in high school but even then I wasn't so upset I couldn't deal with it on my own. I don't freak about going out in public and I feel good about myself. I think she thinks I have a low self esteem because I do care about how I look when I go out~she wears jeans and t-shirts everywhere~I fix my hair even if it's just a simple pull back~hers is long and she just washes, dries and lets it hang~I started wearing a little make-up~she wears none, etc. I also do care about how certain people see me. I don't want others to get the wrong impression of me but she'll just come right out and tell people she's a b*tch and she doesn't care. So I'm totally different than her, you could say. But that doesn't mean I have a low self esteem!I'm starting to question if it's her with the problems. Every time things are good and we're happy and fine, she tells us we aren't. I also learned during our little talk that she knows very little about her son. Like she tells everyone he's such a picky eater. Know what he doesn't like? Spaghetti and it's because they ate it at least once a week when he was a kid and he's sick of it! She says he hates being hugged, kissed or told that you love him. Not true! (Course I grew up in a family that said I love you daily, he hears it like once a year at his birthday and she thinks we're weird) There were many, many, many things she said about him that are not true. I'm realizing she didn't really pay attention to him and probably not the other boys either. My fiance' actually needed and wanted the attention, but she didn't give it so she says they don't like it.

The truly weird part is that the stuff she says I do too much of, is the stuff she complains to me that my one SIL doesn't do! She complains because SIL puts herself before her husband and kids, money is top priority and who cares about family, she doesn't clean, she doesn't trust her husband (MIL's son), doesn't allow him to do much else than go to work (I'm bad because I allow finance' to go hunting and play softball in the summer and I allow him to buy things he wants when we have the money) and doesn't really show that she loves him either! I don't think there is a way to please this woman. I mean, really, have you ever heard of someone complaining because there son is taken care of, loved, trusted and allowed to do things he likes? I'm just about ready to throw my hands up and tell her I'm done! Is she jealous of me?

Any one else have these problems? Or anything like it? I thought things were good until I was told by family that she called them up and some of the stuff she said!

~Leslie~


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Can you ask about Father -in-lawas? My MIL is sweet and opened minded, but my FIL...oh I could write a book!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Hi Leslie! nice to hear from you again.

It sounds like your MIL is getting jealous, because you take good care of yourself and try to look nice, you take care of and love her son, and provide for them in ways she may have not. Was she a stay at home mom? She might be jealous that she couldn't do that for her son, maybe.

My MIL is generally nice but sometimes goes off on a tangent! Things will come out of nowhere and I'm like, "WHAT?" Sometimes she doesn't listen to a word I say, or when I try to tell her something doesn't believe that I'm right. My husband is very close to his mother, but I wanted to make sure when we got married that our relationship came first. There are other things - like my husband and I have three cars between us - the third being one that he has drooled over nearly his entire life. he finally plunked down the money for this collector's item, which we are both enjoying, and his mother keeps nagging him about selling it, etc. She sometimes asks about our finances, although was much worse when we were engaged. She demanded to know how much money my then fiance had given me to see doctors, etc. before getting married (since I didn't have health insurance and was practically broke). When we were working out the dress fittings for my bridesmaids, she demanded to know what size her daughter was (who was a BM). There is just no telling this woman no!

She will ask me for things, oddly enough, almost like a child would - like one time we got two American flags from a friend that we were going to display. She asked if she could have one. I thought, "Uh, ok, I guess." I also had a sticker from the last presidential election and she asked if she could have that, too. Just odd things. Like she couldn't go out and get one herself. Or whenever my husband and I come to stay, she will go into the room we're staying in and collect our laundry -which I hate- because she doesn't trust us to do it ourselves, since she likes to fill the washer almost completely full to feel like she's getting her money's worth. I remember coming last time and looking for toothpaste that I knew I had put in a drawer for us to use - I made a comment about it and she said that she had used it. Uh, this is still my husband's room, you know! i mean, he still has some stuff there and everything.

Oh well, we should all write a book. I could go on forever!


 o
Oh yeah, one more thing...

I can't believe I forgot to mention the time we discussed birth control when we were out to dinner....I had made a comment to her about taking the pill (which I started early, even though we weren't having sex at the time - had to clarify that point for her!) and she mentioned it to her husband (a retired physician), who brought it up while we were having dinner one time! I was mortified. I must have thought I could talk to her like I would my mother. Big mistake!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

my mil can ride a broom better than anyone! truth is she is very nice lady and if i didnt tease her like this she might think i didnt care. ha ha


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

My MIL is a witch.

My DH has basically cut off contact with her after we had been married for 10 years because she's the same type of person you're dealing with.

I've told him he's free to go visit her, call her, do whatever, but leave me out of it. I don't need the kind of "love" she gives out.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Detach as much as you can. She can, like any other human being, have her comforts in life and her behaviour patterns. Whether or not they are supportive of you, you are still an adult within your relationship and you don't have to be emotionally dependent on her good will or her behaviour.

Breathe, and take some time to personally work out what kinds of boundaries you think would be healthy. People in general can and will ask all kinds of questions, some of which are clearly more personal than they should be. Luckily, it is up to the person being questioned as to whether they answer or whether they share the kind of information sought. An answer to a concern expressed about how you could afford something might be to state 'our personal budgetary choices are not yours to make; but I can appreciate your concern.' If the person seems to have an idea about extended family members being part of all the individual nuclear families' households, that kind of point might need clarification for them and ongoing tolerance (those kinds of confusions can be based on ideas and feelings the person has had since childhood, and their parents before them and so on and so on). Other way to answer is 'It's not your judgement call to make', 'It's not your business; can we talk about my child's first (whatever, just sometimes switching to grandchild talk can bring both people good or at least better feelings closer to good will). The point is, who knows how many years she's had to form and reinforce her own views of the world and families and her position within them. Some degree of tolerance will likely be required. You can still assert some personal boundaries with her, and the key to making those stick is to be utterly consistent about what you will tolerate or answer and how you react.

Perhaps a side effect of women generally being more verbal than men is that some women feel a 'need' to fill any perceived 'void.' Sometimes it is also the case that _any_ talk at all is enough to give someone a feeling of 'communication' even if the other person didn't feel it was meaningful or communicative. People who are or who tend to be 'excessively' verbal might view people who are more quiet as lacking self-esteem or being shy or something else which may not be true. That kind of thing is probably just based on comparasin to her 'normal' which is, by definition probably, her own behaviour and attitudes.

You know you can't really get others to change. Some people really will do things like complain when there is 'too much' and when there is 'too little.' People who are very verbal and attached to the idea that there can be a 'winner' and 'loser' in verbal sparring are challenging to deal with. One approach that can sometimes work if you feel like she is trying to argue or be disagreeable in a winner/loser way is to not jump at the bait. Breathe, bite your tongue, smile and nod, basically do anything to let your immediate response urge fade before speaking. 'Wow, are you OK, because it sounds like you're very concerned about (whatever the main topic seems to be for her)' --try not to use the words 'you', 'your', 'our', 'mine', or 'his' (with reference to your partner). It might be that you will get an answer you didn't expect and you might be able to build a better relationship with her. It might be that she has to take this kind of thing elsewhere if she creates arguments as a way for her to kind of blow off internal steam or something.

Mothers can re-write their past, as can anyone. Events can be interpreted, and reinterpreted in ways that help people cope or make them feel more secure in their view of the world and so on. People do this all the time. She might recall the time your husband was a toddler and went through a hardcore picky eater phase (a lot of young children do). That kind of thing might stick out in her experience because of the stress most parents experience as they try to encourage healthy eating in a child who seems obstinate and who won't cooperate and who seems irrationally to be a picky eater. Normal eating, and years of it won't produce nearly the same immediate emotion and stress for parents. That kind of selective memory or rewriting of the past is normal and some degree of it is usually experienced by people who 'know the truth is different.' Another thing with mothering is that they usually all actually do the best they can at the time and with what they have. How a mother would interpret their beloved child pulling back from the hugs and kisses she did attempt is a very personal thing. It's usually also a very painful thing. Since she may well have to function as a mother for those children for over a decade more, odds are a 'healthy' interpretation would be one in which the child simply does not like hugs or kisses; and that their apparent preferences should be respected.

It doesn't matter what she says or does, because you are you either way. You can have your own needs, usual patterns of expression and habitual behaviours. It sounds like they are very different from your MIL's. That, on the face of it is likely to result in some conflict and some degree of mutual misinterpretation. Assert some thought-out boundaries that you can and will maintain with utter consistency and that will likely improve the quality of your relationship (on both sides too, even though this is a kind of one-sided step you can personally take). Bringing in some kind of 'definition' and form to the relationship, with firmness but not animosity is something others often just respond well to.

sometimes people confuse assertiveness with aggression or domination or maybe identifying as that kind of asterisk individual is viewed personally as 'powerful' (who knows how she got there, but if there she is; it's still something personal to her and not you when you have good boundaries)


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

The thing about all this is that up until then she's seemed to have no problems with me. Only once in the past 4 years have we had an arguement and later she told me that that only happened because she had a bad day at work and came home (this was right after we had our son and we stayed with them a couple months) and was cooling down. She and I sat and chatted and she was telling me about her day. Well, then her other son and SIL and kids showed up unannounced and when my fiance' got home from work we started packing to go away for the weekend. I just happened to be the one she picked on and she said she had no idea why. But she found out that when put in a corner, I do fight back and I don't take being called names!

I realize you guys don't know everything about me and you'll have to trust what I'm telling you. I've had some rough moments as a kid and the worst have been my Mom's mental breakdowns. Twice in my teen years she got a to a point that she thought ending her life was the answer. The second time happened not long after I started dating my fiance'. It was hard for him because, well, he's never seen someone that emotionally unstable. I know that things she did and said during a rage were not her talking, it was more her lashing out and trying to deal with what was going on inside her. It's been 4 years since she's had a bout with depression and we've talked about just how much more stressful her life is (she manages a jewerly store now) than it was back then and she's handling it beautifully. She will even tell you the differences and how much happier she is. She's just looking at things differently and dealing better. Anyway, I don't know where MIL got this idea but she decided to call up my family members and question if I'm like my mother. I swear I am in no way close to that. I picked up some of her traits like wanting things picked up to a point, making sure my clothes match, looking nice, things I do with my son etc, but not to the point I can't handle my life and am stressed out. I mean if I was like that, I would not be on this computer now~I would be off doing the laundry that needs done and scrubbing the house. My mother did not take time for herself really. I have learned to adapt to just about any situation that's thrown at me and look at it positively. I mean I've put up with my mothers depression, her two divorces, my father's countless girlfriends that hated my brother and I, the controlling step father, the high expectation grandparents, disappointing everyone when I got pregnant with my son, our son being born prematurely, then getting pregnant again later on and losing twins at 5 months and countless money problems and I haven't lost it yet! Never once have I gotten really down and couldn't get out of it. I'm the one usually cheering my fiance' up and telling him to look at the bright side while I go into this deep analysis and explain why this is like that and so on. Okay after all that my MIL got this idea to call my family members and question if I am like my mother!! I'm so mad. Who is she to call my family like that? And After all the stuff she's seen me go through over the past couple of years and come out okay, why would you think this stuff now? Things are the best they've ever been for us and I"m happy. She's the one who thinks I shouldn't be happy or shouldn't be okay with things! It's my life and I know how I feel. If I was totally miserable, could I get up every day and look forward to the day? Would I go on about my life like normal and call my friends and family and laugh and joke and talk away? I surely can't fool everyone except my MIL, right? Because everyone who knows me and I"ve said what she said to me, they've given me that raised eyebrow look along with a, "You're kidding, right?" I just don't get it!!!!!

So now what do I do? I think something needs to be said. I believe MIL thinks we dont' know that she called people but we do~how many though I can't be sure. What was weird was that after my Fiance' talked to his mother he couldn't figure out why she took 2 days off of work. She NEVER takes time off! But now we know why! She also knew my fiance's password to his e-mail and screen name because he signed on as a guest when he was down there. She got on his screen name and read all his e-mails (old, new and sent!) and checked to see who was on his buddy list and in his address book! The tried to tell me who he's been talking to and I already know. We don't keep secrets like she thinks we do. Then called him and told him to remove names from the lists and other things and also said she was calling his father and telling him! My fiance' is 25 years old! He's been on his own since before graduation by her choice and she's going to tell on him to his dad! MIL is 44 and really I'm sure not what you're picturing in your head when you hear what I'm saying about this woman. She doesn't look like the typical meddling MIL. What to do, what to do? My fiance' changed his password for AOL and I know what it is so again, no secrets like she thinks there are. I can get on his screen name anytime I please and he does not care! How do you hide stuff that way? I just told him that someone needs to say something to his mother about what she did. It's not right and she's not going to think it was okay and that nobody told us a thing. I'm thinking of how I can nicely bring it up while talking and go from there. Dont' want a full fledged fight but I'm not going to sit here and take this and not say a word.

Thanks again for letting me vent.This probably sounds a little unbelieveable and believe me it is to us, too! Crazy, woman!

~Leslie~


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Yeah, Leslie, I was wondering, since I thought from your posts it sounded like you two always got along. Maybe she's going through a midlife crisis. Or menopause? I don't know. It sounds like she's flying off the handle. And to call your relatives and ask them if you're turning into your mother is not only totally inappropriate but insulting. I know you don't want to make things worse for the future, but maybe ask her why she called them. Or why she was snooping around in his email account. Will this blow over and she'll be back to normal in a few days? I guess this t otally changes your relationship, since you can no longer trust her. I would just approach with caution. Maybe let your fiance do the talking, since it's his mother.

Good luck!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Okay, I was thinking about some of this while I was doing housework. I know I don't have a problem and I'm pretty sure MIL has to know that, too. If I had a tendacy to be depressed and stuff like that, then certainly something like the death of my sons would have sent me over the top. I deal with stressful situations in my own way and just learn from them. People with mental problems do not do that! They usually buckle under pressure. I've been around my Mom long enough to know and also did a research paper in high school on depression.

The person with the problems with her life is my MIL. I don't think she is happy at all. She has no friends and hasn't really since before she had her first son at 16. It's by her choice, though. She tells me all the time she shows a different side of herself at work and those people know VERY little about her. I think her co-workers would consider her a friend but she would never say they were hers. MIL has no parents, they died years ago. She is not close with her siblings~there are 7 all together. They all bicker and talk nasty about each other behind their backs, including MIL who says she hates that kind of thing! The only person she really talks to is her husband and he's not always a talkative person. Both of them have really no life outside of the home and work. FIL goes to work and runs the machine in the same plant he's worked in for about 25 years working swing shift so his schedule is different each week. He comes home from work and does the mows the grass or watches TV. His only other activity without her is hunting in the winter and when he does that, she complains. He really has no friends. The closest "friend" would be MIL's BIL but they don't do much just the two of them, it's usually MIL, FIL and the sister and BIL. He occasionally sees his mother and other family members but usually MIL is with him. In their spare time they take rides around areas close to here. They don't really vacation but occasionally go camping. They have a boat that they sometimes take rides on and they also fish. That's it. She really doesn't like company and doesn't like to go to anyone's house to visit them. She's the type that you don't know if you're really welcome when you come to visit but she's mad if you don't go. She doesn't call her kids, they call her. She really doesn't like watching her grandkids. She will get mad and not talk to you if you buy her a gift and yet is mad when she doesn't get anything.

I'm also thinking of things she's said and done that prove she just tries to make people think she's confident and happy with things. Like she says she does not care what people think of her and then she'll say how she tries so hard to not be looked down on because her family was so poor when she was little. Then she'll say she does not care how she looks but she'll be the first to say to excuse her clothes because she didn't take a shower and is still in her pj's or sweats later in the day or she worries about dying her hair to hide the gray. Also, she's kind of a fanatic about cleaning and is so shocked and embarrassed if you find a dust web or dust in her house anywhere and we all know how quickly those things appear after cleaning! (She even pulls out the fridge and stove once a month to clean behind them so they aren't dirty) Or how she claims she does not care how others percieve her and comes right out and says she's a b*tch~not true either. If she didn't care, would she have not brought up our son's birthday gifts to his party for fear others would see what she bought him (there was nothing wrong with what she got and they were things he REALLY wanted)? Mostly she was worried that SIL would measure the gifts up to what she bought they're kids! She also will refuse to watch our son (and it's not because he's a bad kid) and tell us it's not that she doesn't want to but SIL will get angry and be calling to see if she'll watch their kids the next day (however they're kids are older and MIL's watched them dozens of times, for whole weekends and weeks!) If she doesn't care, why cater to SIL and why worry about not ticking her off? She doesn't worry about the rest of us. I'm seeing a two faced person the more I look and think of things. She doesn't like herself and pretends to be whoever to make you like her and then uses whatever you say against you. Once she sat there and went on and on about how great it is that I'm a SAHM because really we couldn't afford day care and the other extra expenses if I did work. And how great it is that our son has me there all the time and doesn't have to go to daycare. About a half an hour later she threw it in my face that I'm too lazy to work and I just want to live off her son! Or that all I do is sit home all day and then make her son take me shopping? Weird thing was I had to stay home all day because we had one vehicle (and it was mine) and when my fiance' would come home, he'd be the one wanting to go somewhere and get me out of the house or to get something we needed.

I do want something to at least be said about what she did. I don't think she'd like my mother calling her family questioning her son! When I told him last night about what his Mom did he apologized to me and said not to listen to her. I'm just at a loss. I guess since I'll be home tonight and don't have to rush off somewhere, we'll have more time to talk about what we should do and what we're going to do. The sad thing is I see him pulling away from his mother and I never wanted that. I don't want to known as the DIL who kept her son and grandson away and it's not my choice, but that's how she'll twist it. Maybe things will settle down but we never know. Some people have joked that she can't get along with more than one son at a time and it seems so true!

BTW~MIL had a hysterectomy at like 22 or 23 so I don't think menopause and stuff would be affecting her now. Or am I wrong?

~Leslie~


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Maybe her hormones are out of whack! Is she taking estrogen?


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Leslie
That is unreal! I would be so upset with her. I am a type of person that cannot stand that BS. I feel for ya' that is for sure.

My MIL is really nice but she does favor her other grandkids and wasn't treating my 2 fairly. I called her on it and it seems to have helped. But for a long time, I was really hurt by it. She also favors her other DIL but that is another long subject. My FIL is a character. But we get along famously.
Great post.
Chantel


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

My MIL is like a Mother to me. Love her with all my heart. She gets on my nerves every once in a great while as in any relationship, but she has been a special person in my life. I am so sorry to hear that yours is so difficult. From what you say, I think she's got major problems!!! Worst part is that your fiance leaves himself open to it and maybe you as well. Her son needs to tell her to back off in no uncertain terms every single time she starts this bunk. It will mean nothing coming from you. It has to come from him. I think therein lies the problem - he can't do this to his Mom. Don't try so hard to "make nice". That only works with normal people. Sometimes distancing yourself is the only way with these kinds of people.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I kinda ended up blowing up last night because I felt my fiance' didn't care about what his mother did. He didn't want to talk about it and I truly wanted him to stand up for me but wasn't getting it. (I talked to my cousin who told me some of what was said by MIL when she called my aunt. She called her at work to discuss me! I guess I'm also weird or something because I want to have another baby and I want to get married some day! Imagine that! Weird to be a 22 year old woman with one child and engaged and want more!!!!) Anyway, the more I talk the more I'm realizing this woman is screwed up! It's sad to hear what my fiance' says about his mother. He pretty much has himself so he's immune to her comments and what she does. All his life she's been nit picking on her boys about everything. They do something good, they're told not to mess it up, they could have done better, blah, blah, blah. There is no congratulations! Getting married and having children are bad things. You're tied down and have these bratty kids you just want to get rid of! My MIL had 3 kids between the ages of 16-21 with my fiance' being the youngest. Then about 6 years later after she got married to her husband she's still with today, his son came to live with them when his mother abandoned him. Her husband also had 3 other children to his first wife. Ask he things about when the kids were little...you get all complaints and the bad stuff. No cute stories, well hardly any. She can't tell you much about my fiance' as a baby or young child she says because he's about 15 months younger than his brother and she was too busy keeping him out of stuff to remember. My Gran said that's bull because she had 5 kids and there were about 18 month gaps between the first 3 and she sure as h#ll remembers caring for them and different things they did! Ask my fiance' about his childhood and he remembers VERY little. Most he remembers were in his early teen years and up.

I just am shocked and appalled at what these boys put up with coming from their mother. Any of you who are mothers, you would be, too! Can you imagine having kids and when they are in need of advice or someone to talk to, you just put them down and tell them what it's like and how it's going to be and send them off mad? Honestly, I don't know if my fiance' really truly feels she loves him. I think he believes she does just because she is his mother but other than that, there isn't a very deep love. He says he's just learned to not listen or care about what she has to say to him at all. He told me he honestly lies to her to get her to leave him alone. Tell her whatever she wants to hear just to get her to shut up and back off. For example, she told him that because he plays pool on the computer with a girl he met playing the game, he's cheating on me. He knows and I know there is nothing going on there, they're just friends and that's it. But to his mother just talking to someone once~ chit chatting and nothing more is grounds for divorce! And she told me she would kick her husband out if he did it just once! So now she's disappointed in him for really no reason other than he has a female friend~guess I shouldn't tell her he also talks to my friends on the computer or World War 3 will break loose!

So the more I think about it, maybe I am smothering my fiance' with love. I grew up hearing and knowing my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles loved me and would no matter what. He didn't. His father really wasnt' around until the past 4 years and his mother might as well of not been there most of the time! So I probably do love him more than he can handle because he's hardly had it before! I'm finding that to him if you get mad at someone enough times, no matter how minor the reasoning, you just eventually hide and just decide not to love them anymore! That's not how it is. You love someone no matter what! If they do something or say something that bugs you, say something and See if they truly meant it or if you understood it right. I've said little tiny things without thinking that I'm finding he's been holding agaist me for years! Stuff I don't even remember at all and I have a wonderful memory! Things that were probably said while fighting and he's carried with him and bottled up! I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much but it's like he's all messed up inside because of how he was treated. Thank goodness he's doing much better by our son! He's a wonderful father to him and I couldn't ask for better by anyone. Oh, time will tell and we'll see if this blows over and what we'll do about it. I'm just so angry about all this.

~Leslie~


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

You are you; she is she and the two of you are separate people with separate brains and separate bodies. You each have separate personal life experiences and very different personal views.

It sounds like whatever else, she definitely pushed one of your buttons by calling your family and asking particular questions.

First, it's probably important to get yourself back. Anger at others or the actions of others functions as a distraction to keep people from learning important things about themselves and how they can heal or even if they have a need to heal something they didn't really think was important before.

Take care of your reaction to having had your buttons pushed in that way. Then, and only after that should you worry about any response to her about what she did.

The problem of responding is that it is sometimes counterproductive. It can feel subjectively like a personal assertion of 'you can't do that to me' or about imposing 'consequences' for some bad action. The problem is the other person might be fishing for a strong reaction as a kind of personal reassurance that they are someone who can affect the world, or who can generate a strong response. A response in that case can lead to more regular button pushing and that is probably not wanted. This kind of thing may or may not even be deliberate or conscious (some people just have a higher internal threshhold for stimulation and they may require what seems like a 'huge' response from others in order to feel like they got any response at all).

In responding when full of button-pushed outrage you may inadvertently share more information with her than you would want to simply because of the degree of hurt/pain and outrage felt.

Who knows why she asked what she asked. Maybe she 'heard' somewhere, even on the news or someplace not even personal that emotional problems can be hereditary and she got worried? She may not be the most diplomatic person in the world, and a lot of people aren't when they are worried about something. Another factor might be that because of your family's own issues, every one might naturally much more sensitive to questions in that area so when you do find out that any questions were asked you won't get diplomatically put information about it. By the time the information about what she did in this instance gets back to you, not only do you have the issue of her seeming to question your basic (her specific stated concern); but you also have issues about family protection, and maybe insults and probably feeling attacked personally. Not only is there the issue of her call, or whether or not she has any right to think of or to even ask certain questions of certain people (much less whether she has any right to an answer); but there is also going to be stirred into that, any original 'personal stuff' that hasn't been thoroughly resolved yet and it will circulate and fester along with the feelings associated with that first part. It's important not to respond until you feel more objective and less 'attacked' or needing to express a 'counter attack' of some kind. Vigorous exercise, building things, writing, painting, 'doing' anything can sometimes help with at least taking care of the urge to _do_ something in a manner which will be both productive and in your long-term benefit.

If you need legal advice about how to protect yourself and your family from her, talk to a lawyer. Someone or some agency associated with threat assessment services can help you work out what kind of threat maybe exists and to what degree from her (you can get a consultation and these professionals will help you). It's probably not a good idea to actually respond-- maybe not ever. But, definitely not until you can even possibly be dispassionate because the likelihood of creating more problems is relatively high when responding passionately.

try to get objective advice about what, or if any threat exists and advice about how to maintain your (your nuclear family's) personal safety or privacy of information

P.S. Talk therapy might be helpful. It would give you an objective place to go for confidential advice based on your own situation, and they help you develop more effective techniques for managing the difficult people in your life.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

My sister got a divorce because of the unhealthy relationship with her in laws. Let me tell you that her husbands family is absolutely WHACKED, but now she is a struggling single mother. Relationships are hard and it is frustrating how we pick our spouses, but unfortunately we can't pick our in-laws. Maybe if we did it the other way around ! LOL

I should add that my in laws do drive me nuts, and I swear I feel guilty because my father in law has cancer and I just hope he goes early to put him out of HIS OWN misery. He is a control freak with the sickest concept of what "father" means. They are extremely well-off and there was a time early in our marriage that my husband had lost his job right after we had bought a house (and therefore we had depleted our savings completely) and they acted like we needed to LEARN A LESSON and we actually ended up on food stamps for 3 months...it was the most difficult time in my life. His parents using "tough-love" (that is exactly what they said) because we had some unfortunate circumstances. They acted as if we had lost all our money at the track or something!!! I will NEVER forgive them for that. I was pregnant and losing weight, eventually I ended up in the hospital and lost the baby...and they still would not help. They are millionaires. I am getting so mad just thinking about it again! Maybe I'd better stop. I'll think about my own mom, who would give the shirt off of her back (and by the way, she is not a wealthy person, but will help any way she can). My mother in law is typically a sweet person, but when it comes to money she is not. She is even stingy with her grandkids. Money means EVERYTHING to them.

Wow. Thanks for letting me vent!!!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Really as much as I want to say something, I dont' know how. I know no matter how we go about it, when she finds out we found out, she's going to blow up and get nasty. She does not like to be wrong or lose. My fiance' said that eventually he'll say something~like I'm sure it will come up at some point. But for him to call his Mom and tell her how wrong she is, will only make matters worse. Right now neither of us are really communicating with her. And after she got into his e-mail or at least said she did, my fiance' said he's backing off and waiting for her to contact him and stuff. He's tried of doing all the giving and her all the taking. Space from her seems to help us a lot. She's always stirring things up and digging for new things. Always talkign about the other families to us and getting me all fed up. So space is really best. I also don't really have to worry about what she said because I've thought it over and over and told my fiance' that his mother knows I dont' suffer from mental illiness or there are dozens of times over the years it would have came out! I know I'm happy and how I feel so her telling me I have a low self esteem, I think, was to make herself feel better. Because I can remember talking to her and how after she said that and went on and on I was different during the conversation. I think it was done to upset me and get me to say more than I would have normally said. (?) I really need to work on not worrying about what others say. Others are always involoved in our relationship and telling us how to feel and act and everything. I'm going to have to speak up and tell them that they're entitled to their opinions, but it's our life, our decisions. I will certainly be a little different around his mother from here on out. I won't trust her like I did because how can I? Do you think she's digging for something, anything to make her not like me? The other SIL's she has really specific reasons for not liking~like one cheated, the other is mean to her son, etc. Honestly I don't do anything bad to her son or grandson, nothing to compare to those and it's like she could only dig up that I loved him too much, trust him too much and allow him to do too much and now she's digging to see if I may have a real problem that could make her not like me for? There is something about everyone in this woman's life that makes her not like them. Not one person is good enough!

Thanks everyone. Sometimes it really helps to hear from others outside the situation. All my closer family members are telling me to distance myself from MIL and even though I keep saying I'm going to do or say something, I know it will do no good. So space and time will be my route with this situation. I think I'll go do some paiting and make something to get my mind off this and move on. After all, all she's doing is making me unhappy and miserable and that's probably what she wants. And really she has no idea that I know anything! Oh, and my Gran only told her that she didn't really know what was going on with our situation and she didn't because we had not discussed it. My Aunt told her that my fiance'and I were adults and let us deal with our own problems and situation.

BTW~We also think she has problems dealing with the DIL's because she has no daughters of her own~All boys and she can't relate to girls. She actually said that she was hoping her one son and DIL would not be having a girl because she doesn't like them. She perfers boys and does not want any more granddaughters!

~Leslie~


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Tracy, I'm so sorry about your situation and what you went through. That's terrible! Fortunately my in-laws are the opposite - they are also 'well off' but figure they can't take it with them so they help their children out whenever possible. They have done so much for us, and for me, even before I married their son.

That said, things sometimes do get on my nerves. It's funny, Leslie, my MIL said the same thing about her children - my husband and his sister are 15 months apart and she told me one time she almost doesn't remember what her daughter was like as a baby. I hope that never happens to me.

Amygdala, we've heard some good advice from you..but don't you have a mother in law?? Just wondering. LOL


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I don't have problems with the woman in my life who fills that role. It's difficult to phrase that sort of thing without using words that might objectify her and she is a human being and any 'ownership' pronouns should be her own.

I think the problems that usually arise, when the people involved are all generally within normal parameters anyway, involve individual factors of reaction which cannot be controlled by external factors. That is to say that one person can say something, anything and the people within earshot will have their own physiological response which is determined by their own hard-wiring and which is internal and personal to them. Some parts are predictable; people can know their own sensitivities and allow their immediate reactions to pass before responding when they are feeling a need to express outrage more than a desire to actually communicate. People can also reasonably predict sometimes what responses in others are likely before they speak or do something questionable; at least normally. Common problems for the people within earshot/responding would be being subject to particularly intense immediate reactions all the time; or being subject to recycling reactions where they don't know how to stop the cycling and escape or change their cascading feelings of reaction-- some of which might 'demand' some kind of immediate retalliation. Common problems for the people who speak or act would center around impulsivity, even just a trait of that without obvious ADHD 'symptoms' or any other 'disorder' can cause them to blurt or act without a real capacity to stop and think first. Minor problems with immediate and automatic empathy responses can result in people appearing 'insensitive.' There are real brain physiology issues involved in these traits and patterns. Forms of talk therapy are available to people who notice problematic trends and who would like to learn how to maximize their strengths and manage their relative weaknesses. Even weaknesses which are usually insignificant will be magnified when dealing with people perceived as 'difficult' and people can opt to get effective help if they want.

Saying or doing something to make a point isn't likely to have the expected result when there is a basic communication problem simply because it's usually clear already that the two people think _very_ differently.

there is such a thing as healthy distance emotionally, offering up complete and total trust before taking the time to thoroughly know someone and how they manage themselves (over the course of years) is not a good idea; the balance is that simply because we are all human beings with strengths and weaknesses and are all negotiating this world it's probably a good idea to figure out how to allow for some basic human rights level of trust that ought to be offered and available to everyone

P.S. It seems like 'impulsivity' can masquerade as 'decisiveness' or 'taking action' in a swift manner and this is sometimes considered a good thing. The people with the cascading feelings which can be problematic don't really have the same kind of positive general support or socially acceptable rationalizations. Some people value traits of emotional sensitivity, but as a whole there isn't the same kind of support as exists for traits of impulsivity. Minor 'defects' in the automatic flow of empathy can allow some people to experience life in more objective terms. Clearly that is good in some cases and for some entire professions; and less good for others. These kinds of things are just traits people can have and notice in themselves or others. They can be functional strengths and weaknesses situationally; and it's important for people to know themselves well enough that they can manage their own traits when dealing with others and with life situations in general.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

My MIL, fortunately, lives in Europe, and I've only seen her twice in the four years we've been married. She is 80 now and I know if she lived close, we'd have a real problem. She's controlling, manipulative, and jealous of her fav. son. She has a nice side, but the last time I visited for 12 days, she got pretty nasty.

As far as the menopause, change of life thing that may be going on with the MIL. I can tell you that it's no joke that your moods swing...I'm there now. I feel so strange, depressed, angry, and every other emotion I can think of at times that I feel like a different person. I'm not a place yet where I can realy start any estrogen (due to the fact that I'm 49 and in peri-menopause and not full menopause yet), so I'm riding it out, but if she's going through this, this could certainly account for some of her moods.

Ruby


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Our children were 16 months apart and I remember every little thing. I do know that at that time of my life, I was 100% Mommy and didn't have work worries, etc to distract me. When our second was born, there were months that I was so tired I was slam dunking into walls for sure!!! One would wake up and as soon as he got settled - our daughter would realize that I was awake and she would get up. I nursed my babies which meant every 2 hours at the beginning. Its easy to see how someone could get amnesia!! But it was the most wonderful, messy, disorganized time of my life.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I feel sorry for all the problems you have with MIL. I don't know if I'm lucky or not for not having MIL (passed away before I married DH). One thing I know my son doesn't have any grandma (my mom also passed away long time ago).


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Well, guys I still haven't told her what I know. Some things happened and I had to talk with her and needed her advice and we've talked a lot. I will never understand her and well frankly neither does anyone else who knows her. I just now know and believe my fiance' a lot more when he says it will do no good and not to listen to ANYTHING his mother really says. Even my fiance's brother called yesterday and he said not to take anything his mother says about me to heart. She'll knit pick just to find something no matter how trivial. Oh, well, I've learned a lot from this about her and myself. That's something at least.

~Leslie~


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I'm staying at my mother-in-law's house while my husband is serving a year in Iraq (he's due back in May 2006) and this has got to be the worst experience of my life. Ever since her son and I began to get serious, she has started to turn her whole family against me and now that my husband is gone and I'm staying in her home (we pay her $400/month) she thinks that she can treat me however she wants. Every time she hears me pick up the phone to call someone, she'll pick it up and tell me to get off so she can use it. I had to put a lock on my bedroom door because she has a habit of going through my things and I came home from a vacation to find my room broken into. The door was broken and the next day I realized it was completely useless. Since she was the only person home I know that she did it so I took the hinges off of a door that we dont use and put them on my door to fix it...She went crazy and told me that I was paying for everything or she would have my bedroom door removed. A few days later she took my son into the room where I took the hinges from, and he is never allowed in there, and he pushed the door over. It almost hit him in the head and the next thing I know she's screaming to my 2 year old son that I'm trying to kill him. She's always telling him stuff like that and I catch her lying about me to her family and making up incidents where I just started verbally attacking her and how I'm training my son to be 'evil'.Not even a week ago she was banging and screaming my name at my bedroom door at 2:30 in the morning (I also share the room with my son) because she didnt feel like looking for the tv remote and wanted to know if I had seen it. It happened to be sitting beside HER seat in the living room. I tried to discuss this with m husband but he believes his mom over me any day.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Wow....how did I get an e-mail about this post and I have a different screen name?

Anyway...A LOT has changed in the last almost 4 years. I don't have the issues that I did with my MIL. She had a sort of break down or something and she's changed MAJORLY!

We had our differences but I think over time she's realized that I do love her son and I'm a good hearted person. She wasn't too sure about me and mostly that's because of some mistakes I made in the beginning and also my family. Today we're pretty close I would say!

Good luck to you, nlasea. I'm sorry you're going through all of this right now. You have enough to deal with your DH being overseas. You don't need this now!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Nlasea, I want to encourage you to try and find another place to live...and before you brush this aside, take it from someone who lived with my MIL for 5 months, and without a doubt, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. After moving out, it literally took me well OVER A YEAR to recover emotionally from THAT experience...and affected me like nothing I have ever experienced. My MIL and I had been really close BEFORE we moved in with her... while one house had sold, and the other was not yet ready. She had a side to her that I did not know even existed before we lived in the same house.
In looking back, if I had to do it over again, we SHOULD have moved out. The price of staying there was too high emotionally, and your situation is much worst than mine, AND my DH was there with me. There MUST be another place for you to stay until your husband returns to you and your son. I was disappointed to read that your DH would believe his mother over his wife. If this is a problem when he returns, ask him to quietly have lunch alone with each of the relatives that she has talked poorly to, about you. Have him quietly ask them what his mother told them about you. If she is honorable, she would not be telling all of these people bad things about his wife, because it not only hurts his wife, (whom he loves and cares about)... but it hurts your husband too. because how people see you reflects on him. And if she is trying to paint a bad picture of you, she is disrespecting him, because YOU are HIS wife. As a man with a wife and a child, he MUST do one of the hardest things to do in life, to be a man and stand up to a parent...for you (his woman. Otherwise, he fails in his role as a man. He is no longer a child. As a man, husband and father, you and your son, MUST come first!!! He MUST stand up like a man to her and protect you!!!! She will learn that by treating you like this, she is disrespecting him. He shows the courage of a man as a soldier in Iraq, and he MUST show courage by standing up to her, in that he will not allow her to treat (HIS WIFE) and the mother of his son that way. She will learn to respect him, if he respects himself and his marriage enough to tell her no more, and mean it!
On to other places that you and your son could live until your DH returns. Would one of your own relatives be an option to live with until he returns? If so, quietly make arrangements, and get your things together. If not, are there places you can turn to that helps the families of military who are struggling and need a place to live? Churches may be able to help...or there are places in many towns and cities that pay part of the rent to help people who are in need. Some older people may exchange room and board for help around the house and yard, and some may rent out a room, once their own children have moved out. Or maybe if you and some friends put your money together, it would me enough to rent a whole house, and you could help one another with the children. But be careful that you use great wisdom in who you choose...because you want people around you who are grounded, good role models around your son...not partiers leading you astray, or leading you down the wrong path.
Also, I heard on the radio last week that there is a whole chat forum with other military wives, and you can find the ones in your area, and they evidenly get together and support one another, and develope friendships with others who are also military wives...whose DH are away right now.
I am sorry that you are being treated this way. Remember, that no matter what she says, (and I know that words can be really painful) IT DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE TRUE! Hold your head up, and pray for peace within your spirit. Try to makes friends with other young moms with children, and meet at the park, or take long walks with the children. It will help you emotionally begin to heal from her abuse. Until you find another place to live, IMAGINE/PRETEND in your mind each morning as you are getting dressed, that you are putting on a suit of armor (like the steel armor worn during battle to protect a knight during battle in medieval times). Imagine that her words are like arrows meant to hurt, but that they hit the armour instead, and bounce to the ground, because YOU are protected!!! Her words are FALSE, and her behavior is ugly, and mean spirited. Try and see it for what it is, and rise above it. You need to find another place for you and your son to live until your husband returns. Not only for your emotional/mental well being, but because her behavior is harmful to your son. ANYONE, who would tell a child bad things about his mother, is harmful to be around. It is sometimes difficult to see the situation clearly when you are in the midst of it. Step back, and re-read your post. If that were someone you loved who wrote those words, what advice would you give that person? Sometimes we allow situations for ourselves, that we would not want for people we love and care about. Love and care for your self, your son, and your marriage enough to protect it. Find a happy and healthy place to stay until your darling husband returns to you. Also, be the better person, and speak to her with respect, kindness, etc. so that you are without fault. I wish you happier times!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I want to thank bnicebkind and sweets98 for showing your support. It helped a lot. My mom and I went house hunting today because I played her a rude message that my MIL left for me and she understands how critical it is for me to get out. The reason I didn't leave before was because my husband liked the idea of his mother 'keeping an eye' on me while he was gone and he wasn't giving me enough money each month to move out. I recently got a car so I can get a job now which will give me enough money to share house payments with my mom. My husband doesn't completely understand or support the decision, but my son does come first and that means that I have to take care of myself as well. Thank you ladies. I'll keep you posted.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Handle this as best as you can with the wisdom and grace of woman with class. Try not to allow her to drag you down to that level, and you will never be ashamed of your behavior. Instead, act with such grace, that she will be ashamed of HER behavior. Hopefully, your mom is able to do the same. In the quiet moments, when these hurtful feelings inflicted on you by your MIL resurface, pray for help in rising above it, and for peace within your spirit.
Be a GREAT MOM to your son, and make your husband proud of the woman you are growing into, and the wife you will be when he comes home. Make him feel VERY, VERY SECURE in your love, your loyalty to him, and the decisions you are making for your little family until he returns. He is so far from home...let him know that you and your son are waiting for him, so that he feels safe and confident in the decisions you are making for your little family. Make him proud, and I wish you the best!


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

My MIL drove me crazy when me and my DH first got married, it was hard to even go to her house. Now that I have children I see her in a diffrent light, for some reason it brought us very close, I spend lots of time at her house and talk to her non stop on the phone, My DH evend sometimes gets mad and says I hang out and talk to her to much, (I think he gets jelous) but the one thing that I have learned about being married is that it is never good for you or your husband to discuss problems in a relationship to your family, if they are upset they need to vent to someone else. The family memeber usually always takes the side of there child. Tell you HB not to discuss your problems w/ her and you will probley get along alot better.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

There isn't a word strong enough to describe my mil. B**ch is too much of a compliment. Satan's assistant is close, but that still doesn't describe her. We finally have no contact with the in-laws after 9 years of pure hell. There is not enough money in this world that would convince me to let them get their foot back in the door of our lives. I have searched high and low for even the smallest reason that I would even consider letting them back and I just can't find one.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

pcj42...what in the world happened?


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

bnicebkind--There isn't enough space on here for me to tell it all. Suffice it to say that she undermined, interfered, and manipulated everyone around her. We just caught the brunt of it because we lived closer and were more available to her. I bit my tongue constantly, tolerated it for 9 years and let it roll off of me. Finally had enough and when I tried to talk to her about it, she didn't like it. Luckily my husband stood with me, or I guess we would be divorced by now. She is just an evil person and after 5 years of being totally away from the entire family, we have peace. The stress of it was creating health problems for me, although at the time I didn't recognize it. Afterwards, all the health problems quickly disappeared. That is what made me realize how bad stress can be. We have all the normal stresses in life, but we don't have outsiders contributing to the stress. I have healed from it, but I will never forget it. Even after this much time, none of it has lessened in my mind. Occassionally someone tries to "pop in" on our lives, but we have managed to quickly knock them back in their holes. In fact, just recently SIL tried to contact us, but I quickly stopped that one and let her know in no uncertain terms were any of them welcome. I refuse to allow them the opportunity to create that kind of havoc in our lives again. When people make your life miserable, then you need to remove them from your life. It doesn't matter who it is and I don't believe in "blood is thicker than water". We have no regrets other than I regret I took it for so long. I do occassionally wonder who her vicitm is now, because I know she has one, but I am thankful it isn't me anymore.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I am sorry that this relationship caused you so much pain. I wonder why people do and say the things they do, that bring about so much pain.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

nadastimer...How are things going?


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

nadastimer...How are things going? Have you moved and are you OK?


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Her name is Thora, enough said.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Is there some story behind Thora? Don't get it.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

I am so very fortunate to have a great mother-in-law. Has never interfered, always loving. Accepted my kids as her own grandchildren. She is my blessing as is my FIL.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Hi all I really have no idea where to begin, my MIL is so evil and terrible and coniving that I could go on forever! The thing with her is that she is an actress as well as a terrible dispiciple lady! Well here it go's she will do very mean and hurtfull things to me and this is only to me when no one is around she has learnt how to make it look like she loves me in front of my husband and her family. On special occasions she acts like a loving and careing woman and she acts quite normal, but underneath it all she is the worst person I've ever met in my life!!! Weh I tell my husband he just sayd I'm overreacting and blows it off as well as the others in her family. She has learnt that by being terrible to me behind everyones back it makes me look bad when I act like I don't like her even hate her cause she puts on such a good act. I don't know what to do anymore I'm at my witts end!! I need help, advice, ect. PLEASE!!! I can no longer live this way she badgers me and calls me all day asking about our bills asks me when I'm going to get a job cause I'm a stay at home mom. Like I said before the list go's on and on forever! Please help me!! someone!! Thanks


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Mine had the good grace to pass away. Now we speak very kindly of her....and I just smile sweetly.


 o
RE: Mother-In-laws...how is yours? (vent, kinda)

Mine is an evil troll. There's not enough space here to explain it all. Basically a classic case of passive/aggressive behavior.

I made the decision to simply not speak with her unless I have to. Fortunately she lives in another state and we only physically see her a couple times/year. DH calls her several times a week and I simply stay off the phone. Life is too short to spend it dealing with evilness.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here