I'm having a difficult time in deciding on a starting place.

This boy is 11 years old. Yes, what he did was horrendous. Yes, there are seemingly insurmountable obstacles to overcome. But, in my humble opinion, placing him in foster care or with a grandparent who also has emotional problems is not the answer. Tell me, if this were your biological son who abused your step daughter, how would you handle the situation?? I think the whole family needs individual AND group counseling to work through this and this boy needs to be included in the process. And, yes, if you bring him back into the home, he will require close supervision by you and your husband to prevent any future abuses. Don't you think he deserves a chance to heal and become the best he can be? Why throw the baby out with the bath water? His behavior is a loud cry for help. Someone needs to answer the call.

I also think if you abandon the marriage now, no one will heal from the harm that has been done.

I wish you the best of luck. I know the road ahead is not a smooth one but if you seek the help you need you will overcome.

Wow, there are so many issues here, and I do not think you will find anyone here that is able to help you with this decision. This will take counseling for you and your husband, and your family to make this decision. You have my sympathies, as this is a huge challenge for you, for your husband, for your children and for ALL of his children. Please remember too that his son has a problem (to abuse like that at that age, he may have been abused by someone himself).

Please remember too, if you continue to treat the abused children as victims they will always see themselves as victims. Yes something horrible happened to them. But if you can help them by keeping them in therapy until the counselor says they have had enough, then they can become survivors, and conquorers. Girls can overcome the abuse, they don't have to be victims their entire lives. I know, I have lived it and I not only survived (to me surviving means it still runs your life) but I conquered it. It does not define me, and I do not let it run or ruin my life.

Vickey-MN

I think you are totally justified in putting the safety of your child before the welfare of your SS.

You are trying to do everything, be a mom to everyone, its tearing you apart.

Are there other relatives around who will take on the responsibility of the SS ?

I know this sounds bad, but could your DH move out and live with the SS, for a while, just the two of them ? With this sort of intensive parental attention, being with him every step he takes, talking to him everyday, teaching him what is right and wrong. You could then focus on the other children, who thankfully you seem to get on well with.

The time with the grandmother, seems to be doing more harm than good.

I am not a qualified counsellor, I only speak from my experiences as a mother.

Keep posting here, in a very small way, just typing it all into the computer will help you get it off your chest.

I know when things are bad, its very difficult to think clearly, you have so many worries.

Take care, Dcubana.

Popi

if it were me, I'd have my "babies" out of there instantly. Figure it out from a distance.

Thank you all for your posts.I'll try to answer all your questions.

"if this were your biological son who abused your step daughter, how would you handle the situation??"

I would do everything in my power to help him and make any sacrifices that were required of me.

But the problem is that my husband is not willing to ignore the rest of his children and focus on helping him.He has alot of anger towards him because of what he did to his other siblings.He doesn't feel comfortable showing the girls affection because he doesn't want them to think he is trying to be sexual...One of the twin boys has also been really affected by the abuse and is really confused as to his "sexuality" he seems to thik he has to act feminine because of it.To top it off,my husband has never had a close relationship with the oldest at all.When his wife left and he was alone raising the 4 children he took on his moms role and was very abusive toeards everyone,including my husband.He blames his xwife and his mother for making him the monster he has become and he just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life dealing with his mental illness.HIs x wife left him because she couldn't she deal with him anymore.although he is too young to be diagnosed,i honestly believe that he is a manic deppressive like his mother.I can only imagine what he will be like a few years from now if he indeed is-because he has so many other issues along with that.The fact that the 2 women who raised him were both selfish,controlling,deceitful,cunning and verbally abusive doesn't do much for his personality either because this is exactly what he is like.I feel for him, i truly do..but i don't want to spend my life trying to undo such horrible parenting.I never would have gotten married had i known that i would have to neglect my own children to help fix this child in the first place.The fact that he also abused my daughter adds the fact that my daughter would probably resent me for the rest of my life for having put her abuser's needs ahead of hers and i don't think anyone would be willing to do that.

"Don't you think he deserves a chance to heal and become the best he can be? Why throw the baby out with the bath water? His behavior is a loud cry for help. Someone needs to answer the call."
I agree someone does need to answer that call,the problem is that the only person who is willing to take him in and raise him is the grandmother-who thinks he is just misunderstood and spoils him to death.She basically excuzes all his bad behaviors and tries to justify his cruelty to others by saying that he can't help it because of the way his mom raised him.So he is never held accountable-and he plays right into it and pulls on her heart strings every time he is in trouble so that she can bail him out.This little boy lies,steals,beats other kids up,runs out of the classroom in school,yells at the teachers,refuses to bath with soap,thros dirty toilet paper on the floor,breaks whatever he gets a hold of when he is angry,has full blown tantrums that last for hours,is direspectful to adults in general and cruel to animals and she says its normal because he is becoming a teenager...My husband can't stand his mother because of it so it makes co-parenting virtually impossible because she will ignore my husband and do whatever she wants with him.I know that she is not what he needs-but what am i suppose to do?Put everyone elses's needs on the backburner to try and make him the best he can be? Its not fair to the other kids-especially his that have had to live in his shadow all of their lives.Besides i am dealing with alot of guilt since i was spending so much time trying to "help" him,exhausted and streched to my limit-i wasn't emotionally available to the rest of the children when he was abusing them.Maybe if i hadn't been so tied up deling with him all day my daughter would have come to me sooner...or i would have picked up on signs that it was going on.Because thinking back,there were many signs-i was just too drained to put them all together.

if you abandon the marriage now, no one will heal from the harm that has been done.

I agree with that statement totally,I love my husband and my stepkids but i have stayed in this relationship mostly because i want these children to have some closure from the harm that has been done.I don't think i could live with myself knowing that i just ran away from this situation not to have to "deal" with it.Its important for all of us to get through this,it will teach them a valuable lesson in life.We shouldn't "run away" from things,we should confront them and find a way to overcome them...

Are there other relatives around who will take on the responsibility of the SS ?
Unfortunetely the only relative availableand willing is the grandmother.
My husband would not be willing to move out and stay with him,he has a hard time going to the visits to see him and when he does he usually comes home feeling all mixed up.He says he has conflicted feelings,he loves him because he is his son,but he acts so much like his xwife and his mother-who he can't stand to even speak of,that he feels as if he is just just like them..I think they call it "transference" in other words he sees him and he sees "controlling,abusive,crazy mother and x wife" whom he chose to get out of his life when he realized that their toxic behaviors were making him "physically ill".This is his son-and he is just as toxic as they are.I think he struggles with the fact that he is so much like the two women who have caused im so much pain and misery in his life and nomatter what he does he is destined to have to deal with his toxic son for the rest of his life.Its just all really complicated...Right now i am just focusing on the kids i am raising and helping them heal from the trauma they suffered.
There is no way i could focus on his oldest and remain sane.Its just too overwhelming.

I can understand you are overwhelmed.

I think you are perhaps focusing on 'why' this boy is the way he is, more than 'how do we fix it, or make it better'.

You say your DH is having a hard time visiting this child, the fact of the matter is that he is responsible for this child and must do all that he can to provide him with a happy, stable home. I know this is obviously really difficult in this situation and I know he has other children to care for, as well.

But can he really be a good father to them, when he is in such tourmoil with the older boy ?

This child needs intensive parenting and the only way I can see he is going to get that is if the father lives with him and there is just the two of them for a year or so. Its an emergency situation, its really tough. But he is going to have to do something?

Why don't you talk about this with your counsellors ?

I read in the paper here, about a an organisation called 'Pathways foundation', its basically a field trip with just fathers and sons, as a way of creating a positive relationship between to two. I know this is in Australia, but you might have something similar, where you live.

I have been thinking of your situation, and my heart goes out to you.

Popi

Here is a link that might be useful: pathways foundation