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Confused and just need a little advice please...

Posted by texisgirl (My Page) on
Thu, May 24, 07 at 8:54

This is my first time here to this forum and would just like a little input on my situation.
Sorry so long but please read.

All I'm looking for here is just a little advice. I'm 23, married and have a 5 year old little girl.
I do not work right now, I am currently staying at home with my daughter while my husband works.
We have had a very rocky marriage and when we fight he's always telling me that I need to
figure out what I'm gonna do, cause I should find a place to go before our daughter starts
kindergarten in the fall because he doesn't want to be with me and he doesn't want for
her to start school here and then have to change schools later. Okay well I don't really know
where to go, I could go live at my Mom's house which is very tore up, the floors are very uneven,
it's very dirty and there are spiders. My Mom is not even staying there she is staying in her RV
in another town about 2 hours away for work and she'll be there for probably another 4 months
till the job is over and she gets laid off. She told me that the last time she was there, a few
weekends ago to pick up some of her stuff she saw a copperhead and wasn't able to kill it.
It was my father's house, he left it to my Mom when he pasted away. The house is close to 100
years old and is in very bad condition. The point I'm trying to make about it, is that I
don't want to have to resort to living there. I would worry my daughter getting bit be a spider
or a snake or something else like that. The other choice I have is I could stay with my
best friend that lives one hour away from where I am now (I should mention that my Mom's
house is two and half hours away in the opposite direction). She is married and stays at home
with her 4 boys. She has told me that I could stay with her until I get on my own two feet and that
way my daughter and her oldest son could start school together. Neither one of them has ever been to
school or any kind of daycare and they are best friends. But the problem with that is that I really
don't want to have to stay with her and feel like a burden. Although that seems to me to be
the best because then she could help me with my daughter. I would be paying her of course
even though she has told me not worry about that, just food for me and my daughter
but I would pay her anyways. If I moved to my Mom's I worry about finding a job that would fit
the schedule for my daughter going to school. I know that my Mom would help me when she is
there but she is always going out of town for weeks at a time, sometimes months for work.
I don't know how I could find a job that could pay my bills (since I don't have any kind of
schooling other than high school) and allow me time to leave to pick my daughter up from school
or what if I had to work weekends, I don't have anyone there to watch her really at all.
Where I live now with my husband, I have no family around just a few friends. Where my best friend
lives I also have no family and she is the only one I know there. I don't know if maybe I'm just being stupid,
I just feel like I don't know how to do it. I've never even been own my own, I married my husband
at 17 and we had our daughter about 5 months later. He would be paying child support of course.
He doesn't make a whole lot of money only about 2,000 a month after taxes and our insurance.
He is really mean to me a lot and I know that leaving is the best thing I just need a little advice
on how and what I should do with not a lot of people to help me out. I just want to be able to make is
on my own and not have to worry about where my daughter can go after school if I have to work and
who will pick her up. Please I don't want to be criticized for anything I just want an opinion.
Thank you Jennifer in Texas.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Jennifer,
In my opinion neither is a good choice. You got the reasons not to go to your moms; however, going to live with your friend could bring on problems with her marriage, not that it would but it could and in the end it could hurt your friendship with her. Have you gone to social services to see if you can get any help there or a battered womans shelter? If you go to church I would also recommend you go to the pastor and see if your church has any help most do or are willing to guide you in the right direction. It sounds like you need to get out for your safety and your childs.
You also need to look in to going back to school your self, yes it is hard but there are a lot of women who are and have done it. You sound like a smart woman and I believe that if you decide to go back to school you will do very well. Some collages have a day care right on campus you also should look in to that.
Also look in to grants, loans, government help etc.
I would recommend that you start at your church or the government see what you can do. I would recommend that you have a plan on how and when you get off of government help before you get on it or you will get in a trap that could be more of a hindrance than help.
Also as you talk to some of these people ask if there is anyone else you could talk to sometimes they have a list of organizations that might help you out.
I hope this helps, I know it is just a start, but it should get you started. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers .

Rick


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

First off, you need an attorney. Look in your yellow pages and find a women's shelter. They can give you names of very low cost attorneys. Because you are not working, your husband would most likely have to pay the fees, but you might have to come up with a something on your own to start.

Next, you need to make copies of EVERY piece of financial information in the house. I can't stress how important this is. Copies of tax returns, mortgage papers, bank statements, credit card statements, insurance information, medical bills for you and your child, paycheck stubs, check registers.....EVERYTHING.

This information is critical in a divorce, and you will not be able to get it easily once the process starts. I say this because I can guarantee he won't willingly give it to you, and your attorney will have to subpoena it, which is not cheap. You must have a complete financial picture so you and your daughter will be fairly taken care of. You are entitled to half of everything, no matter if your name is on it or not, and no matter if you contributed financially or not. This includes bills as well as assets, so your portion of the assets will be reduced by your portion of the bills.

Make the copies while he is at work, and keep them someplace he'd never find them. Mailing them to your best friend would be a good idea. Anyone locally might slip and say something, and it could get back to him.

You should absolutely take your friend up on her offer. Does she live in your state? Even if your husband says to take your daughter, you should probably not cross state lines. Will he agree to his daughter being an hour away?

Does your friend live in a decent sized town? If there is a women's shelter there, they can help you with getting a job and getting job training. Their goal is to help women in crisis, and to help them become self sufficient.

When you respond, please use paragraphs - it is much easier for others to read.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

This may sound like criticism, but it honestly isn't meant that way, so please try not to take offense.

You need to start by making a long-term plan for your own life -- one in which you take care of yourself and your little girl. This is your responsibility and you have to approach it in a determined and organized fashion. You will not be able to rely on your husband, your friend, or your mother to do it -- They're not able, and it's not their responsibility. (Except for husband -- but unwilling or unable -- same result.) Don't count on child support because you may not get it. (Yes, he HAS to pay, but many don't. Don't count on it.)

A good long-term plan should involve more education and training -- enough to qualify you for a job that will pay you enough to live on in a few years. Do you have any special talents or skills that can help offset a lack of education? (Be completely honest with yourself.) For example, are you a fabulous salesperson? If you don't have any extraordinary talents - just the 'regular' kinds like most folks - then some continuing education will be a must. I'd suggest either Community College or Trade School, both of which are geared to helping people who have some obstacles (like a young child) that complicate things.

Be prepared to start at the bottom of the career ladder -- even though you can't afford to. Entry-level jobs won't pay enough to live on for the first few years, but a job that offers a real chance for advancement can get you OUT of poverty in a few years -- possibly before you've exhausted the help available from your hubby, mom and friend. Taking a short-term (but dead-end) job that pays best now IS NOT the answer and you'll be living hand-to-mouth for the rest of your life. Look around, and you'll see people doing it all over -- chronically under-employed and one paycheck away from disaster. True, school and work is much harder in the short term, but will lead to success in the long term.

Consider a roommate. Seriously. There are so many single mothers of young children in your same situation, and being able to split rent and childcare would be a lifesaver. These women are out there -- all you have to do is find them. Talk to the social service agencies, look online, ask around at your church. Or consider renting a room in the home of a family or older person for minimal rent plus household chores. Those options are also out there. I know they're not popular -- but they're relatively safe and they're cheap. And having someone to split childcare duties with or help in an emergency will enable you to work and go to school.

Your Mom's house is also an option. Yes, it's dirty now. But a thorough weekend's cleaning will solve that problem, and the spiders and snakes will go away with a good cleaning, and stay away with people living there. Uneven floors are a livable hazard if the roof's not caving in. If there are decent job and school prospects in that area, the location shouldn't be a huge problem.

Do talk to some social service agencies. Right now, you are much easier to help than if you wait until you are nearly homeless. If there's ever been any domestic violence, mention it! That might qualify you for programs you wouldn't be eligible for elsewhere.

But above all -- make a multi-year plan that, in a year or two, relies only on yourself for support.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

I have been wanting to go to college or a school where I can further my education, I was planning on going when my daughter started school but with the way my husband is I'm not sure.

I will def make the copies for future reference, I never thought of that before and it is a good idea. However, I have no money saved for an attorney and I know my husband would not want to pay for one and just the mention of it would throw him off the rocker.

As for my friend, her husband works nights from 6pm to 6am and she is always lonely and always wanting me to go just spend the night with her, with my daughter of course but I know my husband would never let me. If I would even ask him, he would say stuff like "go ahead and don't come back". She has a big two story, four bedroom house right outside of Austin, TX so yeah you could say it's a big city or close enough at least.

Honestly I don't think my husband would care where I took our daughter but no, I have no family or anything that would take me outside of Texas. In fact he has told me that he wouldn't even want us to live in the same town because it is so small with a population of 5,000 and everyone knows everyone and everyone else's business.

I don't know I need to do something, I feel like staying with my bff would be good cause even after I get on my own our kids could continue to go to school together and if I need her to help me like watch my daughter after school or something I know she would and my daughter could just like take the bus home with her son.

I just worry so much about working and her being in school and me not being able to get off or have someone pick her up and things like that. I know I could get an okay job that could pay okay but I would have to work many hours and don't know who could watch my daughter. I just hate it that he has to be like this, he's so selfish and I hate it. He doesn't even care about how hard it would be for me live somewhere where I don't have people to help with my daughter. He feels like if he's giving me child support he's doing all he needs to. He never had a father growing up at all, his father left him and his blind mother when he was 6 weeks old so I really don't think even at 27 he really knows how to be a father.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Stay with your best friend. That's what best friends are for. Get a job while your daughter is in school, or in the evenings if your friend will watch her, and start saving money. Give a little to your friend to help her out, but save, save, save. You will qualify for public assistance for awhile. You can probably even find programs that will help you go back to school. Contact your local Dept. of Health and Social Services (or the one near your friend's house) and find out what they have to offer. After a few months of staying with your friend, you should have enough money saved to rent a small apartment. Even a one bedroom would be fine for awhile and you and your can share, or you can sleep on the couch.

You CAN do it. It would also be nice for you and your daughter to both have the support of your best friends while going through this rough time.

Good luck!


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Many schools have free legal services for students- I'll bet Texas A&M does. You can use them to help file your divorce and other pertinent paperwork at no charge once you are taking classes. You can take online classes at most schools so you can still be with your daughter and/or work. Student loans, despite the rising interest rates, are still a good deal, and you can take out living expenses as well as enough to cover tuition (unsubsidized). If you don't have a decent computer for online courses, you can take out extra in your student loan to pay for one. Student loans don't have to be paid back until you are out of school and hopefully making a decent salary.

My mom went through the same thing with 3 kids. We were older, but she still had to support us all while working a retail job that didn't pay much. We lived with her mom for a couple of months (no spiders or snakes to worry about though) then she rented an inexpensive 2 bedroom apt. My sister and I shared one bedroom, brother had the other, and Mom slept on the sleep sofa in the LR. Eventually she got on her feet and started working for the SSA and in a few short years she paid for one year of my college tuition and all of my sister's 4 years at DuPaul (very expensive private college). You can do it too.

My advice on where to live is to find the best school system you can afford for your daughter. You may have to get a roommate or perhaps your best friend lives in a good school district, but that is the most important thing right now. You don't want to set your kid back by not giving her the best education possible. My mom probably made a financial mistake by moving into a cheap apartment in a bad school district but then paying for private school for all of us. A couple more $ a month for an apt in a better public school district probably would have saved her a lot of money in the long run. It all worked out eventually for us, but in the beginning it was really hard for her.

You're not as stuck as you think you are. If you can handle raising a child and a mean husband, you can certainly figure this out. Really, you can, and you'll be OK and so will your daughter. Just take all the help you can get- you need it and you and your daughter deserve it and that's what it's there for. Good luck.


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Cope while there's still hope

What is meant by coping? In the broad psychological sense it is the way we respond to our environment and the people we live and work with. That is, coping is making the best of a situation; it is coming to terms with or successfully dealing with whatever comes our way. It is rolling with the punches and going with the flow. It is about handling or managing our life. Coping is about survival, about not being beaten into submission, and about not being pushed around by life. It is about rising to the occasion and taking charge of one's fate.

Coping is more complex than it first appears. After all, when we do so, we have to cope on three levels, for we have to manage our environment, our feelings, and our body. Let's look at an example. Suppose a coworker that I'm obligated to work with always treats me rudely. Since I don't want that to continue, I have to handle my coworker (the environment), my feelings of frustration, disappointment, and anger, as well as my headaches, the knots in my stomach, and my tense muscles, all of which are symptoms of stress.

Imagine a seed pushing through the soil, and after breaking free, stretching upward, twisting and turning to face the sun, while digging deeply for the sustenance of water. The lives of plants and animals are lives of coping. For life is, depending on how we look at it, an endless chain of difficulties, challenges, or opportunities. This being so, it is important to learn how to cope. Failure to do so will block further progress and stunt our growth.

Coping does not mean abandoning one's responsibly by acquiescence. For example, if the lights go off during an electrical storm, you don't have to call a 'Coping with the Darkness' support group. Instead, do what you can: light candles or get a flashlight and check the fuses. Coping, then, is proactive, not passive. Take charge of life; don't let it just happen to you.

There are many ways to cope, some are effective, others ineffective, and still others are harmful. Take Tony, for instance, he's a teen that turns to alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs to 'overcome' his shyness. Instead of gaining freedom, he's become enslaved. Even if he doesn't become addicted, he's become dependent on crutches to get by. Emotionally, he's become racked with guilt, regret, and feelings of worthlessness, all of which makes him even shyer. Add to this the anxiety and worry he will experience after learning about the damage he is doing to his body. This is an example of harmful coping. But harmful coping is actually non-coping. For coping is about resolving problems, not adding to them.


if we are to successfully cope, we must stop before we act, go over our options, study their consequences, and choose wisely. Cigarettes or work-outs in the gym? Drugs or self-improvement? Alcohol or helping others? Progress, stagnation, or regression? Happiness or misery? We have inherited an incredible coping machine called the human brain, but it's not much help unless we choose to use it. Don't rely on crutches, rely on your brain. We can use rational thinking to handle our problems. Yet, we often abandon reason by giving in to fear, succumbing to anxiety, and by being swept away by stress.

When it comes to effective living, if I were to choose one trait over any other, it would be courage. After all, it is a powerful tool for coping. When we face life, we also have to face death, so how can we live without courage? Much ineffective or harmful coping arises from fear. We try to 'solve' our problem by avoiding it, denying it, repressing it, or hiding it. However, the courageous face their problems squarely. They prefer planning for the future instead of worrying about it. They prefer learning from the past instead of feeling guilty about it. They prefer forgiving and accepting the weaknesses of others instead of harboring resentment and anger. They prefer to focus on the right thing to do instead of focusing on their fear.

The good news is, if we're a little low on courage, it's very easy to boost our level. We need to get into the habit of deliberately choosing to do something we dislike and something we fear every day. By doing what we dislike, we develop discipline, and by doing what we fear we become courageous. And by acquiring discipline and courage we become successful at coping. Moreover, if we master the art of successfully coping, we become unstuck; we gain our freedom and can move from one 'problem' to the next. Most of all, we gain our happiness.The weather-cock on the church spire, though made of iron, would soon be broken by the storm-wind if it did not understand the noble art of turning to every wind. Someone once wrote, "It is a wise person that adapts themselves to all contingencies; it's the fool who always struggles like a swimmer against the current." Both sentiments reveal another characteristic of successful coping. We need to accept what cannot be changed. Why bang our head against the wall? Why be stubborn? Why be rigid when it's so easy to go with the flow? Would you stand up and fight for something of no value? Of course not. So, it should come as no surprise that those who consider themselves worthless, can't cope. Before they can, they need to learn to value themselves. They can begin doing so by reading and applying what they learn in some of the many books on self-esteem that are available in libraries and bookstores, as well as the resources on the Internet.

Study the lives of successful people and you will discover they all had a positive attitude. They have a take-charge disposition. They may take some punches, stumble, or even get knocked down, but they refuse to stay down! They are survivors because of their inner strength or resilience, which comes about because of the discipline and courage I mentioned earlier. Where others see disasters and catastrophes, they see challenges and opportunities; where others trek on the road to despair, they pave a path of hope. It's all a choice they made, a choice we can make....
You say he tells you to leave and never come back?Sadly,That goes to show you what kind of a father he really is.I can tell you from experience-its better to be alone than in an emotional abusive relationship.Not only for you,but for your little girl.Believe me,those kind of scars(the invisable ones) take alot longer to heal.When i was struggling to get out of a really bad relationship,not knowing where to go with 2 kids and no job (i was totally dependent on him)i remmember my therapist asking me...what if he were to die tommorow?What would you do?To which i answered:"i'd have to find a way to survive" i realized at that moment that i could do it and i did....
Hope this helps-
Dcubana


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Why are you letting your husband push you around?

If YOU are going to have the fulltime care for your daughter, then YOU should be able to stay in your current residence--if he wants to end the marriage, it's up to HIM to move out (and if you get a good lawyer, he will probably still be expected to pay most, or at least a good portion of your housing bills). Generally, if you have a good lawyer, you shouldn't be forced to move at all (unless, perhaps, you're living with your husband's family?)

You need a lawyer--your husband is already trying to take advantage of you. The money you spend for a good attorney will be an investment that will pay off many times over in the long run. It's one of those things that you can't NOT afford to have. And as someone above stated, because you're married and don't work, it's possible your husband will be forced to pick up the tab for your attorney--you don't have to ask him to, the attorney will take care of that.

Now, as to your future. For now--if possible, get a job in the school system. There are loads of positions for someone with a high school education--teacher's aids, xerox lady, cafeteria workers, janitor staff. That way your hours will pretty much coincide with your daughter's. If that's not possible, check out nursery schools--often they only have a few certified teachers, and a lot of aids, so you probably could get a job at one of those.

Then, as a longterm plan--look to your community college. They usually offer a number of career paths that involve apprenticeships. They'll help you find a job in the field you'll be studying. I'm not talking about becoming a plumber, either--you can apprentice to become an optician, or a paralegal, or many other para-professional careers. An apprenticeship track is a good way to earn and learn while you get yourself into a decent career.

So, if you stay in your home (kick HIM out), get a job at your daughter's school for now, and in a year or so, get yourself into a good apprenticeship program at the local college, you should be just fine. And your daughter will be so much better off--she doesn't need to be learning that it's okay for men to treat their wives 'mean'. You'll be teaching her it's okay for a woman to stand on her own 2 feet. You'll be able to provide adequately for her. And you'll be feeling pretty good about yourself. Good luck.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Keep in mind that texisgirl is very young and her husband is 'mean'. (read: verbally/emotionally abusive.) I think that her posts convey a feeling of low confidence and that she feels she has little control over her situation. A mean husband, no income, few friends and no family where she lives. She has a child to consider, which can make someone feel they have very few options. Even thinking about what she should do, (move and start a new life), must be overwhelming.

In her situation, I doubt that she will be successful in trying to kick her husband out. IMO, that requires more than texisgirl has at her disposal right now, financially and emotionally.

I think the advice given by several - to start looking into places and organizations that provide women with help and guidance is the first step. Texisgirl, I do hope you take this advice. You will find that you are not trapped, that there are options, and that there are people who are willing to help.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Weed 30--I totally agree with you--which is why I think it's absolutely essential for her to get a professional (attorney) on her side to do her fighting for her. I realize that she's in no position this minute to make this guy do the right thing by her and his child. Whatever the cost, a good lawyer's advice and support will pay off for her in the end, and she'll be in a much better financial position.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

I am an attorney, and of course you can get a divorce, and you would be entitled to child support. That won't be a big fight., I would guess that you and your husband don't own anything you would have to fight over, like real estate or a business.
I don't know what state you live in but most states are going to expect you to support yourself. Since you aren't working now I would suggest that you check into getting some work skills. I have lived in several states and many of the high schools have adult centers some of which provide child care while you learn computers, or other skills. I believe that getting more education would help you in a lot of ways. When your child is in kindergarten you have 4 hours a day to improve the rest of your life. While you are married, your husband would be able to help pay for books, etc.
I know that stuff is hard and its a lot of work. You are going to have to do it, and try to inspire your child as well.
You could be a child care provider, you could work with the elderly. There are plenty of jobs out there even on a part time basis.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

Good on ya, Marge727!


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

If you're buying the house, chances are it's community property, & the courts look out for the child's best interest in the division of property & possession of the family home.

Get an attorney *right now*;
that's the only way to get the information you need to make decisions.

I wish you the best.


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RE: forgot to say...

...that if you move out of the house, your spouse may claim that you "abandoned the family home" & that you shouldn't have custody of your daughter.

If he is awarded custody, I'd bet some other woman will end up taking care of her, maybe a new girlfriend, maybe his own mother, but she likely will not get the same care & love that she would get from you.

Please take action, & let us know how it works out.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

I don't know why I try, today is our 6 year wedding anniversary, he had to work tonight, so okay that's fine, but he didn't even tell me happy anniversary even after I told him.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just asking too much and I should just be happy with what I have and make th most of it but I just feel like I deserve more. I do everything for this man and he acts like I do nothing.

He spends all the time he's at home on the computer working on his websites and I mean ALL his time that he's home.

I've decided that the only thing I can do right now is get a job. I live in Texas and I applied for a job in Austin (which is an hour from here) that I can more than likely get, and I can stay with my best friend (she lives 10 miles outside of Austin) until I save enough money for a small apartment. I know she can help me watch my daughter also.

When I think about just being able to make it on my own, I just want it so bad and I pray to God every night for it. I know that this is what I have to do, I know it won't be easy but it'll be worth it.

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of my daughter having to see it all, and me taking my anger and frustration out on her. She is so strong and so wonderful that's why I know I have to do it and I'm not wasting anymore time. I'm through!

I know that my husband would not want custody of our daughter, he just wants to be free and not be tied down, he wants to be able to go out and get drunk and whatever else he does. I have God on my side and he will help get through it all.


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RE: Confused and just need a little advice please...

It would appear you are no longer confused.


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