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Love lust or just infatuation

Posted by naari (My Page) on
Tue, May 29, 12 at 1:36

Hi,

This is Naari. I'm married for last 8 years. I'm a mother too. The confusion of my lfe is my strained relationship with my husband. Ours was a love maariage. But love seems to have ended in my marriage. My husband is not exactly a drunkard but whenever he drinks he gets on to my nerves, become intolerant & i just hate him then. He always takes me me for granted & uses me as if i'm an object. He works in night shifts. We don't see each other & hardly talk face to face or over the phone, through out the week. He's just concerned about his looks. He has only 20-30% existence in the life of our baby. And, in my life he hardly exists. He just need me for his physical needs. I force myself so that he doesn't feel bad about it.We have discussed this numerous time but nothing seem to affect this nerd.

There is a guy in my office & for the last few months i've started feeling for him. I realised it only when he made some statements which made me feel that he's kind of interested in me. His body language changes when he's around me. He's a bit reluctant in looking into my eyes. None of his gestures are cheap. He is a very decent person & he is also a married guy & is a father too. I have also started liking him. This liking seems to have become quite intense between us. I can easily make out that he feels the same for me but just because we both r married & parents too stops us from being vocal about our feelings.He looks for an opportunity to be around me & tries to talk to me. He's not cheeky or a womenizer that i need to avaoid him or be rude.

I'm verrrryyyyy confused. I've started feeling very strongly for him. Please help!!!!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Infatuation - sort out your marriage. Consider your child.

What do you think about that ?


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Human beings need love, & when we aren't getting it, we get so desperate that we reach out to almost anyone who seems like he might offer it.

The results are almost always disastrous;
the object of one's affection isn't in this world to fulfill our fantasies, he already has a life of his own;
if your husband found out, there'd be no chance of salvaging your marriage;
what about your child? could you lose custody of your own child?

If you & your husband can possibly find some common ground, if he'll cooperate, that's the best way.

If not, *end the marriage before you think about another man*.

Do whatever it takes;
find another job,
move your desk,
keep yourself insanely busy (obligate yourself to do things & you're more likely to actually do them),
spend tons of time with your women relatives & friends,
take on an absorbing project such as making a quilt or planning & running a school fundraiser, etc.
*whatever it takes*.

Once you've resolved your marital difficulties, whether you keep it together or dissolve it, this man at work will resume his normal human size & will no longer seem larger than life.

********

Years ago I read a book called "Some Men Are More Perfect Than Others".

One story was about the wife of a very successful man.
Out of loneliness & hunger for affection, she started an affair with a poor student;
she brought him homemade meals, she did his laundry, she doted on him.

She finally divorced her husband...
& ended the affair.

She said that the attraction to the student was that he needed her *& her husband did not*.

Once the man who should have relied on her but didn't was out of her life, she no longer needed to be needed by the student.

something to think about.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Infatuation. You are having an emotional affair. If you follow through with it and make it a real affair you will ruin two marriages, and hurt both your children and his. Work harder on getting through to your husband, do counseling if you need to, but don't give up so easily.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Infatuation. As Popi says- sort out your own marriage. See a counsellor, decide how you want it to go. Tell your husband. If you want to reconcile, he'll probably need to see a counsellor to if anything is going to change. Or resile yourself to more of the same. If you decide you've had enough, divorce before you even start to look at another man, and even then, be very careful as your child will be involved in this too.
The guy you're infatuated with now, stop looking. He's not available, and you know that. If he's trying to engineer opportunities to talk to you, sorry but he IS cheeky and a womaniser and as such unreliable. Do you want to be hooked up with a guy who thinks it's OK to chat up other women despite his vows? If he's willing to cheat (even a little bit) on his current wife, he'll cheat on you.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Hi All,

Thankyou so much for your advice. I sure would do as suggested by each one of you. I'm really thankful to this forum also who gave me an opportunity to have an open & healty discussion of my problems. All those who know me might have given me some biased opinion. But, you all don't know me so your advice have stopped me from getting into a big problem which would have ruined my daughters life & ended my marriage. I cant live with so much guilt.

I'm really greateful to you all that you spent sometime in reading my problem & giving your suggestions.

Naari


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

"I'm married for last 8 years."
"The confusion of my llfe is my strained relationship with my husband."
"love seems to have ended in my marriage."
"whenever he drinks he gets on to my nerves, becomes intolerant & i just hate him then.
"He always takes me me for granted & uses me as if i'm an object."
"(We) hardly talk face to face or over the phone"
"in my life he hardly exists."
"He just needs me for his physical needs."
"I force myself so that he doesn't feel bad about it."

Whatever you do, do not let this wonderful marriage come to an end.

Your kid will someday thank you for providing him/her with a model for dysfunctional relationships.

Continue to "force yourself" to succumb to your husband's "needs". It will boost your self-esteem immeasurably.

He'll feel bad if you try to reign in his alcoholism or complain about his intolerance. Succumb to this too.

.

(yes, i'm being facetious. Get divorced before you waste another year with this sad excuse for a man. Your child will thank you. You will thank you.)


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

You're telling someone you have never met, not knowing the whole truth, to get divorced.

This will be the last time I say this, I sound like a broken record. This site is an unhealthy imbalanced place to go for people who are lost and confused. I believe a lot of disgruntled folks regular this site. I came here over 10 years ago interested in the topic of marriage and families, and at one time it was an uplifting site. I come on occasion and now it's the same old thing, partners complaining about their rotten spouses and folks getting up in arms..."loose the slug" they say. That does nothing for this person who is looking for real change. Divorce is not the answer as often as we think it is - it's "overperscribed", rivaled only by depression and add meds IMO.

It's been an interesting run, but I've grown weary of it. Blessings to all, and may we all find what we're looking for and be emotionally and behaviorally healthy enough to earn it.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Each in our own way are ALL "broken records" response-wise, aren't we? Among the regulars, many are pretty predictable. Nothing unusual there.

I disagree with you, though. Seems to me each post is responded to according to its merits. For example, garek007's recent threads got a pretty thorough airing from many viewpoints.

Anyway, please don't go away. I like you.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

I wouldn't recommend divorce if this were just a case of miscommunication or seeing things differently or hitting the inevitable rough patches. But, assuming the OP is not outright lying, this isn't a case of two people seeing the same situation differently. Would you really try to preserve a marriage to an intolerant alcoholic who almost never talks to you, even over the phone? Do you think it's healthy for a child to grow up thinking that's the norm for parental relations?


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Asolo's right, people didn't immediately tell me to throw in the towel. They told me to be patient, to work on it.


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lee

Lee, I still agree with Amy Alcoholism is a disease, like cancer (sort of). Would you abandon your spouse if they had cancer? Marriage is a commitment, and people throw it away far too easily. They need to work harder to try to work it out. This guy may totally change if he realizes how close he came to losing her.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

well amy dont bloody come on this forum then,if you dont like it then why come here ?


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

I like Amy too.

It helps me in my world, to respond to other people, because I reflect on my own situation.

Reading other people's predicaments oftem makes me realize my problems are not so bad - or even - I am resourceful enough to solve them myself !

Infatuation is an emotional response to inadequecies in one's personal life. I have had this happen to me. It will never end well because the relationship does not have a good foundation.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Hi All,

Please don't argue. I think its just difference in opinion. Let me throw some more light on the situation. Mine was a love marriage. I never discovered that he becomes hostile when drunk untill we got married. If he was frustrated because of anything, he would take that out on me. We often used to to indulge in fights & when he couldn't control me he would beat me like mad. I used to become numb,quivered because of trauma. The next day he was all normal as if nothing happened, sometimes he was apologetic. This continued for 6 yrs. Although this beating thing happened atleast 15 times in these many years. My dog(german shephard) & my child both used to get scared. He claims to love me like mad & says that he would never let go off me. We went to Psychiatrist(who is also a marriage counsellor. He took some medication also to relax his tensed nerves & also for leaving alcohol but all in vain as he stopped all the medication after a few weeks. He said that he loves to drink. This morning also he came at around 4:30am, all drunk. He forced me for sex but i didn't allow him. Fortunately, he was too tired that he went off to sleep & couldn't force me for long. Ohhhh i feel my life is cursed. He wanted to marry me because everybody found me beautiful. He likes to take me in public gatherings where he can boost of my beauty. People says that we look awesome together. No one knows the bitter realities of my life. My daughter, she also likes her father but doesn't allow him to touch me or sleep next to me. She would sleep between us whenever he's at home.

Oh my God! i'm in a fix. DOn't know what to do. Life sucks. The other guy in my office, he is nice with all the women & respects all. He has never tried to come close to me or express his feelings to me. It's just that i could sense that, see that in his eyes. I never paid much attention to it until I overheard him talking to my boss that he's not quite happy in his reltionship. Sounds funny sometimes. Everybody is looking for some cozy shelter. I took your advice & tried to avoid him but he's so nice & courteous & most importantly not pushy that I find it so difficult to avoid him.

Thanks all,

Naari


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

1. People who beat other people almost never change & they definitely don't change without some outside force (court order, etc);
they like beating on someone & they get away with it, so there's no reason to stop.

2. People who are beaten can't afford to stay around their assailants;
the likelihood is that the assaults will get more intense & the victim will end up in the hospital *at least*.
(Who will raise your daughter if you are dead? her father? You cannot afford to die.)

3. Your daughter's reality is that physical assault, alcohol abuse, & terror are normal, day-to-day parts of married life;
this puts her at risk for becoming a victim of violence herself.

4. She's assumed the role of parent, protecting you, instead of the other way around.

You are the subservient person in this marriage;
you have no power, so you cannot negotiate with this bully.

The only way you can re-gain control of your life & recover your self-esteem & raise your daughter to be a happy, well-adjusted human being is to get out of that environment.

*Forget the guy at work*.

You need all your energy & presence of mind to create a better life for yourself & for your daughter.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Forget the guy at the office. But you do need to sort out your own life and marriage. If you are so miserable, why do you stay? Do your reasons for staying outweigh your unhappiness?


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

> You're telling someone you have never met, not knowing the whole truth, to get divorced.

You got that right.

> Marriage is a commitment, and people throw it away far too easily. They need to work harder to try to work it out. This guy may totally change if he realizes how close he came to losing her.

Please.

Why should he change? He knows, like millions of other abusive husbands everywhere, that he doesn't need to change. Rather, he needs only to follow his vile actions with crocodile tears and sworn apologies that he didn't really mean it, that he's really a nice guy if you give him another chance, whatever he needs to say and do to keep his wife in line until his next flame-up. Violent men rarely act like monsters 100% of the time. They would never keep a woman under their thumb if they did. Rather, they'll act like your husband does, following their violent episodes with sweet-talking their way into you forgiving him, repeat ad nauseum as long as you continue to allow it.

naari (and everyone who is encouraging her to work it out and not to give up), please go back and read your own words:

> when he couldn't control me he would beat me like mad.

> I used to become numb, quivered because of trauma. The next day he was all normal as if nothing happened, sometimes he was apologetic. (just like I said....)

> This continued for 6 yrs. (yeah, but give him even more time and "he might change". Right.)

> Although this beating thing happened at least 15 times

Garek007, I'm not telling her to immediately throw in the towel. I'm telling her to throw in the towel after 6 years of being a chronic wife-beater. I wouldn't abandon my spouse if she had cancer. I would abandon my spouse if she beat the daylights out of me for the 15th time.

> my child used to get scared.

Hey, why not stay with your hubby and scare the kid even more?

> He claims to love me like mad & says that he would never let go of me.

Nothing says love like beating you to a pulp 15 times. But he's serious about the "will never let go of you" part...

> We went to Psychiatrist (who is also a marriage counsellor). He took some medication also to relax his tensed nerves & also for leaving alcohol but all in vain as he stopped all the medication after a few weeks. He said that he loves to drink.

As you can see, he's willing to mend his ways

> This morning also he came at around 4:30am, all drunk. He forced me for sex but i didn't allow him.

This would have constituted rape had he succeeded. But he was drunk. I guess that excuses it.

> People says that we look awesome together.

Sure. I bet he doesn't throw punches and attempt sexual assault in their presence.

> No one knows the bitter realities of my life. My daughter, she also likes her father but doesn't allow him to touch me or sleep next to me. She would sleep between us whenever he's at home.

Well at least one person knows the bitter realities of your life - your daughter. She seems to have a much better grasp of your circumstance than you do.

One word: LEAVE.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

lee, when I wrote that, she hadn't brought up the beating yet. Now that I know that he beats her, I agree. leave


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

Funny, I had to go back and read again because I thought she already mentioned that. She didn't explicitly, but I was reading between the lines, as I've learned to do over the years. Usually, in my experience, "He just need me for his physical needs. I force myself so that he doesn't feel bad about it." = he forces himself on her without her consent, but she doesn't want to roil up things by saying no, or filing charges if he uses force. And when I read "he uses me as an object" in this sort of confused, weepy diatribe, >90% of the time, that unidentified object is a punching bag. My intuition about these things continues to startle me in its usual correctness, as it has again here.

As for Office Guy, don't start anything with him now, because it will give your husband plausible grounds for you being at fault. End this (and I know what a seismic shock this is to make it happen, but you can and you will), then when that's settled, you can think about other men. But probably not Office Guy, unless things have so broken down with his wife that he pursues divorce as well. Otherwise, if he wants to embark on a clandestine relationship with you whilst hiding it from is wife, well, you know he doesn't mind being a cheater, and won't with you, either (as others have noted earlier). Even if he was single or already divorced though, I'd be concerned, simply because I don't really trust the kinds of men you are attracted to. If you see mostly good qualities in your current husband despite how he treats you, I wonder what you're not paying sufficient attention to when he still has your utmost interest.


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

(the new guy that is)


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RE: Love lust or just infatuation

I guess I may have read it fast and am not too good at reading between the lines.


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