I'm a male in my early 30's and have been married for just over 5 years to my wife, who is also in her early 30's. 18 months ago, we had a beautiful baby boy, and he is truly a blessing, and I love him from head to toe....so here's the situation.

My wife works from home and has quite a lot of responsibility at her job. She watches him while she's working, but of course at 16 months, the little guy can be a handful, and during feeding times, he can be more than a handful...her day starts early in the morning, and she works off and on after I get home, depending on how her day went with the child.

My job starts basically at the same time hers does, however I have to go to a workplace, instead of working from home. My job is pretty demanding, and by 4pm I usually feel like I've had a lobotomy... I usually leave the house at 5:30am, and return from work at around 5pm, maybe a little sooner, but more often later. At that point, I get home, try to relax (I have a short commute, so I don't really depressurize much), and sometimes help feed the child. At 6'ish, I take him upstairs, give him a bath, and then put him to bed. From 7-9, I usually try to relax, and at 9:00 I usually do the day's dishes (using a dishwasher - unloading and loading) and take the garbage out (most days...I'm not saying I'm absolutely perfect here).

Over the years, I have become more and more resentful of certain aspects of our relationship...sometimes she is pretty sloppy leaving things laying around which I end up picking up....which isn't a big deal to me...the resentment comes in when I leave ONE thing laying around, I get the riot act because she picks it up...which is rare...usually she just complains about it.

Things have gotten much worse between us since our little one has been with us. For example, when I have a rough day at work...no matter what, it doesn't compare to the "two jobs" she has.

For example, I was doing a major home improvement, and was covered in grime, she was having difficulty with the baby, and basically demanded that I drop what I was doing to take care of it....but I couldn't...because of what I was doing in the house at that moment. She started in on me, to the point of her throwing a can of coke at me because she was so upset. I was so mad that I probably came as close as I ever did to leaving that day. And of course I acted like a raging lunatic because of my anger to the coke being thrown at me.

Whatever I do, I don't do enough because of her "two jobs". Talking about it does not work, it always comes back to what I'm not doing. I've suggested counseling for us(when making up from our major blow out fights), and she tells me I'm the one who has the problem.

It's to the point now that even when she is even keel, I don't really want to talk, and I'm not even interested in making love to her anymore. My home has become a place of coldness, and I'm really at my breaking point.

I don't know what to do. I have thought about divorce, but where would that leave my child? I couldn't imagine doing that to him.

I hope someone can help me. I am really miserable at this point in my life. The bright spot is my child.

Do you get to go out without your child ever?

I know that for me and my husband date nights always bring us closer.

As for counseling even if she says the problem is you try to get her to go. Maybe hearing an unbiased person tell you both what you need to work on will help?

Your wife needs more help- both yours around the house, and with childcare. Get a babysitter, nanny or a daycare- before you object to the cost, think about the cost of two households and child support.

I don't mean to sound ignorant, but I do feel that I pull my weight. I've watched him before on weekends (not that often though), and I know he can be a handful.....but I tell you...I loved every second of it (even though I was catching up with work myself).

I work 12 hrs a day plus dinner maincourse/bedtime/bathtime/garbage/dishes per day...but I don't cosider the last part "a job"... If I did, would that not be "two jobs"???

I love my wife and my child, but I resent being treated like I'm the root cause of all of her frustrations. Maybe I am, but I'm not sure I can satisfy what she wants from me.

Case in point...one day my child was being finiky about eating lunch (and I do feed him sometimes by the way)...I gave an opinion on what to try...and the response was..."I feed him 20 times a week...what do you know?" Is that really fair when I'm trying to help? And of course that conversation blew up into me saying "do you want me to quit my job so that I can stay home..." etc etc...pretty stupid to say..but emotions run high...

Any ideas? Am I screwed up here? Am I a neglectful husband that I am made out to be? I want to be happy with my wife and my child with a happy future...how do I make this happen.

My other suggestion is to look on craigslist or something for a college student that can come to your home and watch your child for a few hours while your wife is locked in another room working and your child does not go running to her while she is trying to work. This will probably be less expensive than daycare and will give your wife the piece of mind that your child is being taken care of well. (though if that is too distracting still she may need to hire a sitter outside of the home).

This way she gets to concentrate fully on her work and get it done quicker. Then her time with your child will be less stressful and more enjoyable.

Right now she sounds like she is not able to enjoy her time with your child because she is trying to do that, keep a home clean, and do a full-time job all at the same time. It is enough to make anyone miserable!

I see multiple issues here, but the one that stands out the most is your wife’s feelings of resentment. There are a few lines in your posts that are telling:

I've watched him before on weekends (not that often though), and I know he can be a handful.....but I tell you...I loved every second of it.

There are plenty of activities we enjoy doing occasionally, or even regularly -- when we can choose to do them of our own free will. But when something becomes a daily obligation, it quickly loses its charm. Sure, you loved hanging out with your son a few times, but if you were expected to do it every single day, while ALSO trying to perform a demanding job, you would feel very differently.

You said:

My job starts basically at the same time hers does, however I have to go to a workplace, instead of working from home.

Your choice of words implies that you feel you have it tougher because you actually have to get dressed and go to a different physical location. I would argue that you have it much easier. YES, you work very long hours in a demanding job…but so does your wife. The difference is, you get to do yours without distraction, in the company of other adults, and in an environment that is conducive to your work.

Things have gotten much worse between us since our little one has been with us.

Your wife sounds mentally and physically exhausted. I think you should ask yourself, and your wife, the following questions:

- Is she getting enough sleep? Many toddlers do not sleep through the night.
- Is she feeling isolated from her friends? Being home with a baby can be VERY isolating.
- Has she had to give up hobbies or other interests she pursued before having the baby?
- When does she get to relax?
- Does she enjoy her job and get any recognition for it?

Also, we don’t know the background of your situation: Has she worked from home for several years, or is that new? If so, that would make two very large adjustments to make at the same time. I’m sure you both love your child and your marriage can definitely be salvaged. But you need to:

A) recognize that she is working just as hard if not harder than you
B) VOICE to her how much you appreciate everything she’s doing – she is raising your son after all, and
C) figure out what would make her happier. The only way you can do this is by talking honestly.

You sound like a good dad, but you are not understanding the depth of what she’s dealing with right now. Be more sympathetic and try harder to communicate.

Also, is there any way you could cut down your work hours? You sound very overworked yourself. This is probably the reason you can't really sympathize with your wife.

I second the suggestions of getting some child care in the home to free your wife up to get her work done uninterrupted. And also for you and your wife to get out on date nights!

Also, is it possible for your wife to cut down on her work hours so that she can join a play group, or a library story time or something that she can do with your son and just enjoy being a mom? If she can do that for a few years until your son starts school, it can really make a difference.She may feel that doing this will hurt her career and it could, but enjoying the time to be a mom can truly be priceless.

You sound like you do do a lot to help. I don't think that you are the issue with your wife, it sounds like she just has too much on her plate. I hope you can work it out.

Is it necessary to have to two incomes ? Can you reduce your costs for a couple of years ?

I know, myself, I could be a mother looking after children, or I could be a woman who works. It is very hard to wear both hats at the same time. She needs some child care to help her with her work at home. Can she really do her best in that job, with a toddler around ?

You really sound terrific, you are helping and you love your wife and child. You have the basis for a loving home life, you are just having challenges thrown at you at this time of your life.

I applaud you for posting here, you have realized you need some objectivity to your situation.

It does get easier when the children get a bit older.

I really think the problem is that your wife is trying to work and look after the child. That might have worked okay when the child was little and sleeping in the day. A toddler needs more input, in fact I think they need your total attention. I can't really imagine how she is managing to get any work done ! Perhaps she is really frustrated about that, and could even be resentful about her situation. Having a child does take away your freedom and individuality. She may have trouble adjusting to that thinking.

So what are your options? Whatever you do, you must remain as calm as you can, it really is not good having a blazing row about futile things. Remember your little one is watching how his parent's react.

Have the child looked after, grand parents??, and go out for the afternoon with your wife, walk and talk, have a coffee, and just look for the girl you married. Once things are calm I am sure you will both see things with clarity and work through your problems together and find a suitable solution.

All the best to you.

Keep posting.

Yeah, I went three years without ever relaxing... Didn't even have an outside job... Ummm, I bet your wife is in the same boat. It may seem like you're doing a lot, but unless she is able to really relax for 2 hours everyday too, she's probably gonna resent that you get to. Try setting up your schedules so she can have 2 hours a day to relax (and that doesn't mean needed sleep... just pure relaxation) and then you go days, weeks, months, without any real breaks.. you'll get the picture... You may think you're the miserable one.. but what I would have given for even a 10 minute alone car drive.

But before I do that, I would like to say thank you for everybody's help. I do sense a little tendency to "male-bash" from just a small number of people, but you probably have some right to do so based on your circumstances.

Carla, my wife has the opportunity to relax a couple of hours a day too...fyi...

The past few days have been a lot better. We had a little bickering, but not bad. Here's what I did....

I tried just a little harder..

....and that goes a long way. So all you guys out there listen up...ask a "can I help you with that" sometimes, or "what do we need to do this weekend?" every once in a while. Try to put your resentment aside a little, and you'll see that you will have less of it in your relationship as a whole. Be a human being instead of a jerk.

Thanks again everybody...I think I can make this work. Its worth it for my son, and its worth it for my wife.

;)

He is taking it all in and someday he will have the tools to have a healthy loving relationship of his own. You are doing a good job.

Your family will be fine, all the best to you.

What I think is your wife is resentful, and she probably has good reason. I think you need to stop comparing yourself and all the wonderful things you do to her and her reactions to the same or similar sets of criteria. None of it is the same. You are not her and will probably never understand. She likely doesn't understand either and also does not recognize her feelings of resentment. An example is you saying you enjoyed watching your son that day. My response is so what. You don't have the daily buildup, and the baby does not respond to you or act the same with you as s/he does with her. I have a son who as a toddler would not allow me to work (I worked at home at that time). I could do anything around the house, and he would busy himself. I could sit in the family room for hours watching television, and he would busy himself. I could sit at the dining room table reading a magazine or balancing my checkbook or whatever, and he would busy himself. But he absolutely would not allow me to sit at my desk in front of the computer. From the moment I walked into the office room, he demanded my attention from that point on.....until I left out of that room. So I couldn't get any work done, and I was very resentful because work had to get done. My son never did this to my husband. He was accustomed to daddy being away all day. My husband was also helpful after he got home, but it was too late to help me through my day, and it was too late to reverse the frustration. My point is, you don't know what your wife goes through. You babysitting your child is not the same.

She needs to recognize it isn't necessary to take everything out on you, and you are not the cause of her frustration. You need to stop responding to her the way you do. You acknowledge things are done or said out of anger, so how can claim to be so miserable when you know you are contributing to the problem. Find a way to get yourself and your wife into counseling. You need therapy with a step-by-step plan for you both to work through, not someone to sit and talk to every visit. That cannot accomplish anything except you both having your bit_ _ing sessions. Six months later you will still have the problems and will still be attending your bit_ _ing sessions.

My kids are both is school all day and I still stay home. My days are not that stressful (grocery shopping, cleaning the house, doing laudry) but once the kids get home I am in over-drive. Help with homework, make dinner, clean up, give baths, drive to this activity, drive to that activity.... What I don't do during the day I make for at night.

We have a very "traditional" marriage but it really works. I give him a pass on scrubbing toilets and washing floors because he works all day and allows me to do what I do.

If you can't change the working situation I would agree with the other poster -- things will get better when your son matures and is more self-sufficient -- that is unless you have another baby!

You say your home is cold, that you are not interested in having sex with her anymore. That to me is the red flag in this whole thing - not to say there aren't other issues. I tend to think the work/chore division, or lack of (depending on one's perspective) is a surface issue - not to say it's not important, but I don't think it's the root issue.

I think the real issue here is that both you and your wife and very unhappy with each other. Neither of you thinks the other is pulling his/her weight.

I do think a totally objective, unbiased marriage counselor could be a real blessing for both of you. S/he could help both of you gain perspective and begin to focus on each other's needs instead of looking at marriage as a point system. I wish you both all the best. The very best thing you can do for your son is to truly love your wife. That will give him the security he needs, as well as the modeling for him to learn how to be a loving husband and dad.

I don't have a paying job, but am at home with a 3 year old. At times I feel resentful towards my DH because he comes home from work and leaves all his projects there. Sure, he might still be thinking about it, but he can't be tempted to do anything about it. When I sit down and try to relax my work is still all around me- 24 hours a day. There are a hundred things around me that I meant to get to, but didn't- and I didn't notice them until I tried to relax among them and couldn't. I can't imagine having a paying job lurking around the house when you are already strapped for time and energy.

Is your wife's paying work contained in one room? One that can be closed off at a certain point of the day so she's no longer "at work?" You said she works off and on through the evening, so I'm guessing she's not shutting off either one of her jobs from the time she gets up until she goes to bed. Even if she stops to take a break, her work is still there at the house, haunting her.

She sounds overwhelmed by her jobs and perhaps is taking it out on you. I don't know the answer, but I'm sure she's tired and overwhelmed. I can't imagine trying to work a paying job and watch DD at the same time once she got mobile and talkative. There are some days that she's so time consuming and needs so much interaction that even the basic household chores go undone.