Different affection behavior, what do to?

18 years ago

Hi to all!

I'm new to this forums and I'm really glad I found such a good comunity; I have been reading some of the old posts and they are wonderful.

Anyway, I'm 27 and planning to marry my girlfriend (same age, divorced and with a 2.5yrs beautiful daughter) on Feb next year :)

What worries us a little bit is that we are somewhat different when it comes to showing affections, specially in the day to day.

I come from a very loving family; my parents divorced when I was 6 but both of them always show a LOT of affection. Gezz, I still sit on my parents' laps at the family meetings (and so do my half-brothers, and so does my half-sister with me... you get the point).

On the other side, she comes from a family that shows less affection (it's just how they show it, I know they love very much their daughters), so she's somewhat "colder", even thou she shows love in a thousand different ways.

Maybe it's because this will be my first marriage, while being her second; she has an experience that I still miss. I tell her that I see marriage as a veeery long dating, with plenty of love and tenderness every day; she tells me it isn't usually such a happy-fairy-tale, and that she's worried a little about my desire of constant affection versus her more independent/less affective behavior.

Anyway, we really want this marriage to work and this coming week have an appointment with a pre-marriage counselor, but I'd really like to receive any inputs you might have for us.

Oh yes, comunication is a top priority for us, it is a non-negotiable thing for us, so that's not a problem.

Thank you for your time

Best regards

Domy

Comments (13)

asolo
18 years ago
"Communication" is fine. However, it doesn't cover the ground. If you need what your intended can't provide, that's the ball game. Not that you're great and she's bad -- it's just a mismatch. That kind of mis-match can be critical.

"What worries us a little bit is that we are somewhat different when it comes to showing affections, specially in the day to day." Know what? That's how you live your life -- day-to-day. Every day. Day after day.

I'm not sure I've got the whole picture but from this little bit I would advise you that this worry you've described can be a killer. By all means see a counselor. And listen to what they say.
Karen_sl
18 years ago
And here's the other thing to think about...she sounds a little scared from the first marriage.
Just keep showing it and she will catch on. My dh of 26 years came from a non showy family also, it gets easier as the years go. He now is huggy most of the time. Our boys are not....but they always used to be. Could be cause they are 20 and 23....
Karen L
Related Discussions
how does different soil mix initially affect the plant?
Q
Comments (5)
Plants usually need an adjustment period after repots if root work was extensive. When potting up, usually there is little noticeable difference, just a temporary increase in vitality. Repot/root-pruning will cause the tree to sulk for awhile & the time period varies. (BTW, Acers tolerate total bare-rooting very well, so don't be reluctant to remove all the old soil from the root mass). Also, timing of the repot impacts recovery. Visible signs are temporary slowed or nonexistent growth, temporary loss of vitality, possible loss of some buds. I would tend to consider leaf burn a result of a root system that is yet unable to keep up with water demand put on the tree by other cultural conditions (wind, sun, high temps), or fertilizer salt issues. Also, cellular pH has the ultimate affect on color, but soil pH affects cellular pH to a certain degree. Couldn't guess at soil pH unless we know soil make-up. Do you know? I can tell you how to test container media pH if you wish to know & don't, but it will vary widely over time. If I remember, we had some off forum discussions about soils for your Acers? Are you the one that linked me to another forum site discussion about Acer nutrient preferences? If so, I was impressed by the knowledge of the posters. I have always found that the fast soils I grow in require more N than I would at first think. However, I also know that generous applications of N in containerized Acers can bring about some unwanted problems. If you still have access to the folks you were talking to previously, I would seek nutritional advice from them. That works for me doesn't mean it will work for you. Are you the one who spoke of adding some extremely large pine bark to the mix? Is it possible the soil is simply becoming to dry between irrigating? What else is in the soil aside from the bark? Pam comes here often - also grows lots of Acers in containers. Perhaps she will read & offer her advice, which is always sterling. I'm at work now, but I'll link her to this tonight. Al
...See More
Different flooring affecting resale?
Q
Comments (6)
What you do in a old house and what you would do in a newer modern house are two different things. In a old house it's totally acceptable and very often expected that flooring is not going to match. Houses were very often built piece meal. You couldn't always get what you wanted and things ended up mismatched. What it comes down to is what are you willing to live with?
...See More
Do you think furniture style affects buyer's decisions?
Q
Comments (33)
Hmmm, here in New England many of our houses definitely meet the definition of "old". From mid-eighteenth century on...yep, that's "old". Creepy? Some of the basements in these homes have to be seen to be believed. I'm just the opposite of you. I'm strongly attracted to the "old". They talk to me. I love running my hands over the old timbers. I'm also quite sure you'd find our furnishings "old" since they are mostly from that eighteenth century time-frame. We have a few "newer" pieces...as in c. 1800-1835. Even our dishes can be dated to c. 1848-1850. Every time I reach for a plate I think about all of the historical conversations they've witnessed over their lives. When I clean the pre-Revolution corner cupboard that stores those dishes I think about women washing dishes together and, in hushed voices so as not to be overheard by the men, talking about whether war will come soon. Every morning as I'm rummaging for a pair of clean socks in my c. 1825 New York City dresser I think about the woman who was fortunate enough to have such a lovely piece & wonder what she thought about as she looked in the dresser's mirror by the candlelight coming from the attached candle arms. Was she happy? Did she love the beautiful mahagony dresser as much as I? Did her husband commission it or was it a dowery gift from her father? It's no ordinary dresser so I know there's a story being hidden in one of the secret drawers. My DH loves his collection of 17th & 18th century wine glasses & flips & I know he frequently wonders about their previous owners & ponders what history they have been privvy to overhear. The very fact that a fragile glass with its 7" air-twist stem is still here after 300 years says that we are not the only people who have treasured its beauty & grace. I've got one shelf in an old bookcase that's known as my "archaeology" museum. Here in New England, it's common to find pits & pieces of other people's lives buried in your gardens. I've got the handle to a redware pitcher, several keys of varying designs/sizes, half a dozen intact bottles, many pottery shards (a couple large enough I've been able to identify their patterns), & lots of other fun stuff. My dream home would be a 17th century cape anywhere along coastal New England...as long as nobody had "gutted" it's interior and history. So, there's somebody for most all types of houses. Some like only new...never used by anybody but them. Others, like me, seek out the old. If I purchased a home that had been furnished with "old" stuff...I'd be very anxious to see what they'd missed & left behind for me when moving out! (grin) /tricia
...See More
At what age do you stop -- or start -- giving a "pass" for behavior?
Q
Comments (39)
On another flight the child behind me was almost constantly kicking the back of my seat. His mother did notice and several times and said "Don't kick the back of the seat, its not very nice" the kids response each time was to kick the back of my seat more violently and more frequently for a minute or two. And the mother's response was nothing. Then later at the end of the flight, the flight attendant came by a couple of times and asked the child "Are you done with that glass? I can take it." To which the child petulantly responded "No! I want it!" Which is fine. However the last time the attendant said "You have to give the glass to me now, so I can finish the final sweep of the cabin." Which is a command, not a request. Again the child petulantly responded, "No! I want it!", pulling away as the attendant reached for it. Which is not fine, and in fact refusal to comply with the directions of a flight attendant is a violation of federal law. The attendant explained she needed to finish the final sweep of the cabin before the pilot was allowed to land, the mother tried to talk and coax and wheedle and bargain with the child for about 30 seconds, the child's response was to kick the mother, kick my seat, scream some more, and squirm to prevent the glass from being taken. At that point I undid my seat belt, stood up, reach over the back of the seat, and plucked the glass from the child's hands, and handed it to the flight attendant. She thanked me, and finished the going through the last few rows of the cabin, reported in, and within 30 seconds the pilot started the final parts of the landing process. Meanwhile the mother is ranting at me about touching her kid, (I didn't touch him), defending her complete lack of parenting, and threatening to file a complaint with the airline about me or file assault charges against me. The worst of it though is a burly moron from the row behind her took up her cause, joined in with verbally attacking me, and then even proceeded to follow me through the terminal, asserting he was a lawyer, threatening to file charges on her behalf, and threatening to assault me to see how I liked it. So to answer the original posting, when I stop giving a child "a pass" for their bad behavior, is certainly when the child's behavior is breaking federal law, and (very slightly) endangering everyone around them.
...See More
Vickey__MN
18 years ago
I also "read into" this message, so I could be wrong...

You said that that even though she showed affection it wasn't the same way as you.

Specifically you said "even thou she shows love in a thousand different ways"

WOW that's a LOT, but yet you make it sound like that isn't enough so I have to wonder why, and the only thing I can come up with when "a thousand different ways" can't be enough is ....because it isn't the way you do, and some people feel that if they are not shown affection the way they show affection it's not "RIGHT". (my husband and I had to work through this so that's why I have this speculation)

Now did I "Love his less" because I wasn't in my words "clingy" to him...NO, clingy made me feel uncomfortable. So we've come to a common ground over the years (as Karen SL mentioned He and I caught on over the years).

Just food for thought

Vickey-MN
domy
Original Author
18 years ago
First of all, thank you very much for your replies, they are truly apreciated!

I don't want to give the impression that I'm complaining about my fiancee's behavior; we are both aware of our differences and want to start working on them as soon as possible so they won't affect badly our marriage. As much as I can feel unconfortable due to the differences, so can she and I want her to be truly happy with me and never feel asphyxiated by my "huggyness".

Those of you that live/lived a similar situation, how did you find a common ground?
I'm happy to know that we'll catch on over the years :)

Best regards
domy
gurley157fs
18 years ago
I once heard a man tell his son

"Don't marry the girl you can live with; marry the girl you can't live without"

It sounds like you feel this way. Does she? If you both feel this way then I think any other obstacles will be overcome.

My first marraige was to a man 'I could live with'. It was 20 years of work.

My second is to a man I can't live without. It is his second as well. Don't get me wrong - we still have our problems - but it is so much easier to deal with them when we know the bottom line is that we just can't stand to be apart.
rivkadr
18 years ago
I can understand where you're coming from (well, more where she's coming from). My husband is very huggy and physically demonstrative...I am not -- due to a lack of such of demonstrativeness in my family, as well as some sexual abuse history on my part. I personally start to feel physically threatened or uncomfortable if someone, including my husband, invades my personal space when I'm not expecting it, or not "in the mood" for it. This is something we've had to overcome, by both compromising -- I push my physical comfort boundaries whenever possible, and he knows not to push me when I ask him not to. The important thing is for both of you to be aware of this issue, and work together towards a mutally comfortable level of affection -- it is possible for those of us who are "colder" to learn to appreciate snuggling on the couch for a while, and for those that are more physically demonstrative to occasionally just say "I love you" without diving in for a hug every time. I think it's very important that you find out if you can make each other happy in this regard before you get married.

I do also think that lack of physical affection can be a sign of a major issue in the relationship, though, if it's accompanied by actual physical pushing away by one partner, or a refusal to discuss the situation. My poor brother-in-law was married to a woman that would push him away if he came over to hug her, and they had no sex life (they just recently divorced; not a surprise to any of us who had seen how she avoided ever being close to him). If the lack of demonstrativeness is extending into all areas of your romantic life, then you have a major problem.
domy
Original Author
18 years ago
Oh yes, she's definetly a woman I can't live without! I feel as she was made exactly for me as being with her is very easy and natural for me; sometimes I feel so much love for her that it almost hurts... well, those of you that live with somebody you couldn't live without know the feeling ;).

rivkadr, there's definetly a lof of demonstrativeness in our relationship, both ways; so I think this is something we can work out and not a mayor problem.

Well, it somehows feel good to know that we are not alone with our differences.

Thank you again for your replies!
Best regards
Domy
gurley157fs
18 years ago
Domy,

As long as she feels the same way you should be O.K..

Best of luck to you both.
april_bloom
17 years ago
One word, COMPROMISE, on both sides. She needs to learn to stroke you, and you need to learn when to back off.

Sounds like you have the makings for a good marriage otherwise!
popi_gw
17 years ago
Domy

I think you are wonderful, thinking about all this before you get married. It has taken me years to figure all this out whilst being married.

I think you should work out what actions show affection. I know for me I love being hugged from behind and gently kissed on my neck. I love my hand being held and patted. I want to be kissed when I am going out, and coming home. A gentle hand at the bottom of my back. Words also come into it, encouragement, interest, compromosing. Lots more.

I dont think I would feel comfortable sitting on my brother's lap! But I guess its what you are used to.

I have a friend whose husband is always kissing her, and professing love, in front of other people. I think she finds this a bit embarassing. Its a bit obessesive.

You are starting off on the right road to marriage, all the best to you.

One more thing I wondered...how does she show affection to her daughter ? Maybe you could think about that as well.

Take care.
fluffed
17 years ago
There is a book called Love Languages or something like that. It talks about the different ways that people show love. Usually people SHOW love in they way in which they want to receive it but it usually is NOT what the other person wants. This book teaches your to recognize these love languages and how to satisfy the person you love in the way that makes them FEEL loved. I suggest it for all couples.
domy
Original Author
17 years ago
Update: well, we started seeing the pre-marriage counselor and it is somehow helping us; I say "somehow" because we feel that we have achieved more by openly discussing how we feel than by seeing the couselor. The counselor is definetly a welcome help, but 80% of work must come from the couple itself (obviously).

Anyway, as time passes we are more and more in tune; she's tender with me and I respect her when she want's to be a little more by herself. When one of the two feels unconfortable, it just says so to the other one.
One thing I have come to realize lately is the need to express the things we miss or that bother us; it's amazing how many times the other person doesn't event know the other one is feeling bad. This doesn't mean one should complain constantly, but when something's wrong, it's important to make sure the other person knows about it. Of course, picking the right words and the right moment is critical. ;)

Again, thank you all for your inputs! 213 more days to go for the big day! :)

Regards

Domy

PS: at the risk of starting a flame war, I'll add that reading togheter Cosmopolitan (yes, the magazine...) can do wonders to a couple's life! *wink*
popi_gw
17 years ago
Glad to hear things are going well for you and that you both have input into how to make your communication tip top.

"when something's wrong, it's important to make sure the other person knows about it. " - I totally agree with you here. My DH and I had this exact conflict this week....he says I should tell him if I an unhappy about something, but I get myself into a mess 'cause I dont want to upset people and then I dont say what I really think. I realize now this is not the way to go, as the situation can build resentment after a while.

Its important to work at sharpening your communication skills. Its very exhausting sometimes !

All the best to you, my friend.

Popi

Different affection behavior, what do to?

Comments (13)

asolo

Karen_sl

Related Discussions

Vickey__MN

domy
Original Author

gurley157fs

rivkadr

domy
Original Author

gurley157fs

april_bloom

popi_gw

fluffed

domy
Original Author

popi_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Different affection behavior, what do to?

Comments (13)

Related Discussions

domyOriginal Author

domyOriginal Author

domyOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

domy
Original Author

domy
Original Author

domy
Original Author