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overreacting to stripclub??

Posted by beautiful_insanity (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 3, 09 at 17:51

Hi, I'm new to posting here but have been reading for a while now and would like your opinions on something.
A few months ago my dh told me he was going to go out of town and do some xmas shopping. He left that morning and said he would be back later that afternoon. I was pregnant at the time and made him promise to me that he would not go to any strip clubs. ( He knows I despise strip clubs anyway, but when I'm pregnant I have very low self esteem about my body)
I talked to him a few times throughout the day, and he said he was having trouble finding me a gift so it was taking him longer. Finally around 7 pm he called me and said he was on his way home so he should be there around 9 pm (the town was a 2 hour drive).
At 9:30 he still wasn't home so I started getting worried and tried to call him, got no answer. I tried calling him every 10 minutes after that. At 10:30 I was literally having a panic attack. I was positive something horrible had happened. I began looking up information to call area hospitals to see if he was there.
At 11 pm he finally called me. He was drunk. He said "I'm not going to lie. I brought Joe (his friend) with me and he wanted to go to the strip clubs."
I was crying from relief that he was alive and anger that he had done this to me. I had no idea he had even taken a friend with him to go "shopping"! He was so drunk he could barely put a sentence together. He said he kept wanting to leave but Joe wouldn't. I told him to leave Joe there then. I told him if he was too drunk to drive to get a taxi and get a hotel room and call me from the hotel to let me know where he was. That didn't happen.
Around 1 am he called me to tell me that tried to drive home but was too drunk, he had left Joe at the strip club, and he pulled over in a parking lot somewhere and was going to take a nap. At this point I was beyond p*ssed and really didn't care anymore so I went to bed. It was the first night I've ever spent away from my dh.
He finally made it home around 7 am the next morning. He tried to explain/make excuses and I told him to just shut up. He went and got into the shower and I grabbed his cell. I listened to his voice messages and there was a message from some slut who I assume was a stripper. It said "Hey this is Kylie, I'm just sitting here on your lap rubbing all over you. My number is xxxx give me a call so we can get together." I FLIPPED OUT. When he got out of the shower I asked him who the hell Kylie was and he said he had no idea unless she was the girl that gave him a lap dance. He had no idea how she had his number either, unless she grabbed his phone when he went to the restroom because he left it on the table.
Basically I don't know what the hell happened that night. Dh says I'm over reacting. He says all guys go to strip clubs. I say... maybe so, but I doubt they lie to their wives, make their wives think they are dead, and give the stripper their cell number. Am I completely crazy?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

I think your husband was a total jerk and should eat serious dirt over it hoping to regain your respect, if not your trust. Really sucky behavior.

He's got no place to run with this.

Is this the first time or does he have a history?

All guys do not go to strip clubs and even those that do seldom behave as sleazily otherwise as you've described. I'm thinking there's more at work here than you know about. Doing what he did at all is sleazy. Doing it with a pregnant wife waiting at home is sleazy squared.

So this happened before Christmas and you're posting in April. What's up with that? Or are you just having fun with us?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

All men do not go to strip joints. I have been married twice and neither went to them. Mine would have gotten one warning the next time he would have been single. The only way she could have gotten his number is if he gave it to her. Do you really believe a man can frequent strip joints and not get "excited" and ignore the women?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

You said at the beginning of your post that you asked him NOT to go to the strip clubs --
which tells me this is something he is prone to do and that has caused relationship problems in the past.
If he knows how you feel about strip clubs but goes anyway, that says pretty clearly he values his own sexual games more than he cares about your feelings.

Personally - I think strip clubs are tacky and offensive. Deeply and truly tacky and offensive.
And I agree with Asolo that for him to go to strip clubs when you're pregnant is "sleazy squared" -- (great line Asolo)
And blaming it on a friend is just cowardly.
To me, strip clubs are appropriate for frat boys and bachelor parties.
The end.

If you want to know if he's been frequenting them without your knowledge, look for restaurant-type charges on his credit card statement. Strip clubs generally don't post charges under their own names so men can deduct the charges on their expense reports and wives won't get angry. But if you see a restaurant you haven't been to or don't recognize as a national chain -- that's where you'd research. Just looking them up in the phone book to check the address might be all it takes. If you're still not sure, call them up and ask. Tell them you were planning to go to lunch with your lady friends and could they verify their location. (My Ex had a strip club habit.)

Anyway -- You have my sympathy.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

asolo- yes, it happened a few days before christmas. I thought it was just my hormones making me over react because I was pregnant, but the baby is a month old now and I still can't get over it which is why I'm looking for other's opinions. I think about it every single day.
When we first got together he told me that he used to go to strip clubs when he was married to his ex wife and I told him I wouldn't put up with that, so he's always known my feelings. As far as I know this was the first time he's gone since we've been together in 4 years.
And I stress the *as far as I know* part, because he's lied to me about a lot of things.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

History repeats itself. He did it when he was married to his ex, now he's doing it while married to you. And to say that it was because of his friend? Heck - even if that were true, where's the spine on him that would have him say to the friend "Nope - sorry, I don't do that anymore; I don't want to destroy my wife and my marriage". Now that is a man that I'd have respect for.

You now have a child - and in my opinion, a loser for a husband who does not keep his word or honor you.

Suzieque


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

What jerk! Wife's six months pregnant, it's near Christmas, and he stays out all night going to strip clubs with a fellow drunkard.

Have other things happened since then or was this an isolated event? Has he made up to you or stuck to his initial (really stupid) statements? Is he jerky in other ways or does this stand alone?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

A very wise Forum poster is often known to say:

Women believe what they hear;
Men believe what they see.

Your husband may have heard that you won't put up with strip clubs --
But what has he seen?
And what does he believe?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

i would not tolerate it for a minute. i would not be able to sleep with him ever again. no, not every man goes to strip clubs, only jerks do. and he might lie to you that he stopped going, but it doesn't mean anything. as about credit card charges he could pay cash. i would end it, sorry, there is no hope here. guy is a moron and his first marriage probably ended for the same reason. i'd maybe even call his ex and asked whta happened, you migth learn some things.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

It sounds to me he lied all that day.he probably slept with another woman that night,Wot a slime ball i dont think you are overacting atall,i think he is a lying cheat.I agree with fine dreams.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

Well if he has lied to you about a lot of things I would have to think that his strip club adventure was not only planned, but far from innocent. I think your gut is telling you something...

Has he done anything since then? Any out all nights?

If so I would have to say its time for some type of action to show him you won't tolerate this.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

He hasn't had any more all nighters since christmas. There were a few times last summer that he would disappear for a few hours and come home drunk, and he told me he was just driving around to clear his head.
Basically I became my own detective to catch him lying to me. I installed a keylogger on the computer and found he had been looking at porn daily and deleting it. I also installed a gps on his cell phone and found out he had been going to the bars during the day when he told me he was working.
Saying (typing) it out loud makes me realize that it looks like he has a sex and/or alcohol problem. And obviously a lying problem.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

I think you're right. Add to that empty promises and a disrespect of his wife. As was said above, men believe what they see. And he sees you putting up with it. Woud he attend counseling to try to save his marriage? Are you willing to end the marriage because of this?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

"Saying (typing) it out loud makes me realize that it looks like he has a sex and/or alcohol problem. And obviously a lying problem."

Sounds like you're right. I see three possible problems:

1) - He has genuine sexual addiction and alcohol problems.
2) - He's immature and thinks he won't get caught.
3) - He gets more pleasure from his binges than he gets pain from your consequences -- so it's worth it, even when he is caught.

So you know that if you don't do anything different, he's not going to change.
He may not even change if you do everything different.

So take a little while and decide if you're willing to live with it.
Some women are. Others aren't.
Don't let anyone else's opinions factor into YOUR decision.
Some of your friends would invariably think you're over-reacting if you end your marriage over this.
Some of your friends would invariably think you're nuts if you put up with this.
So don't even CONSIDER what others would think.
This has to be your own values!

Then you'll be in a clearer position to determine your next actions: 'blindness', threats, counseling, divorce, etc...


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

Sweeby has some great advice (as always!)

The only thing I can add is think about your happiness.

Does this situation make you unhappy more than your happy with your husband?

Do you feel like you get any time with your husband? Does his porn addiction make your sex life non existant?

Does he help with your child? Or is he too busy at the bars?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

I'm with Sweeby on this one. I'm really sorry. I'm not against strip clubs but the lying about them, and the drunk driving are what scare me.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

"....a few times last summer that he would disappear for a few hours and come home drunk.....told me he was just driving around to clear his head. ......lying to me..... he had been looking at porn daily...he had been going to the bars during the day when he told me he was working....he has a sex and/or alcohol problem. And obviously a lying problem."

Husband material? Father material? Hoo boy! What choices you've made! How many babies are you going to make with this pantload?


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

My husband goes to strip clubs/gentleman's clubs when one of the guys in his office is going to get married. I don't have a problem with that. I have been to a couple of them myself and also have been to male strip clubs. If I was that insecure about that issue I wouldn't have married my husband. I trust him and he trusts me. I have a problem with the lying and drinking and driving around town (yeah, I believe that one) that your husband has done. I wouldn't trust him with the truth as far as I could throw him. He isn't setting a good example for you or your children. He isn't worth your fretting over night after night. I would get out asap. I don't see him changing his ways any time soon. But you and your child are the ones that has to live with him. If he doesn't change his behavior that is something your child will see when they are growing up. Do you want your child to think that it is acceptable to lie and cheat and get drunk? NancyLouise


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

Nancylouise, I completely agree with you. It's not the clubs. It's the way he's dealing with them that is the biggest problem.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

I guess women sure do believe what they hear for anyone to believe her husband has to go two hours away to purchase her present. Then there was nothing else to believe throughout his whole story the entire day, the second of which was that he couldn't find you the gift that was 120 miles away, whatever it was supposed to be. Obviously he had nothing in mind, so why did it take such a lengthy trip? He might happen on something that no other clothing store, jewelry store, or appliance department could possibly sell? yeah right. You believed it from the start, which shows the pile of snow and denial his elaborate lies have you under. And just for the record, there was also no friend in attendance, so he didn't finally leave his buddy two hours away from home.....this was a planned trip.....hubby did not attempt to drive home.....he did not get a hotel room upon your advice because he already had one. And, you should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting he drive home drunk anyway.

I don't understand why women make idle threats like that. Exactly what does "I won't put up with it" mean anyway? He's not your child, so what did you plan to do? Not get over it? Think about it every day? Is that what you not putting up with it is? You spy on him, listen to his phone messages, make sure you know his every move, argue and cry like a baby, and keep taking his crap. Is that what you not putting up with it is? And why for goodness sake did you get pregnant through all of this?

Well, whatever you decide not putting up with it is supposed to be, you might also want to learn about self esteem. That is not his responsibility. He has and will continue to trample you because you don't have any, and whatever little bit you are able to muster is the pidly little he affords you. It should not depend on him. If a person has something to abuse, they will abuse it as long as you allow until you determine what not putting up with it means, that is unless continuing to put up with it is what you decide it should be. What is up to him is respect for you, but that is not forthcoming and never will be. He will never change, not even with counseling. He'll just always think he's slick, so he will get worse, his lies will get more and more elaborate, and he will continue to trample you. All the while, he will dish you out a little momentary security and self esteem with the hugs and baby I love yous so that every single time, you determine "I won't put up with it" means putting up with it.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

That was really well said thermometer!


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

When I read the title of your post, I thought to myself, yep overreacting! Because personally, I dont think its a big deal for a man to go to a strip club if thats what he chooses to do for entertainment. But I think you have bigger problems here. Your husband lies to you, seems to have a problem with strip clubs and porn and seems to have a problem with alcohol. Just the fact that you are installing a GPS on his cell phone and a key logger on his computer shows the lack of trust. (Granted its probably well deserved) Where do you live that your husband could sleep drunk in his car overnight in December and survive it? Things arent adding up, you need to take a good honest look at things. Your husband has all the classic signs of a cheater. BTW, strippers generally don't give out their phone numbers to patrons. Its a job to them that makes them lots of money. Unless your husband appears to have lots of money, or is Gods gift to women, they generally wouldnt be interested in some drunk in the club. They are a dime a dozen.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

Overreacting to going to strip club- yes.

Overreacting to lying- no.

Overreacting to him getting drunk and then trying to drive (if he indeed tried to drive)- no.

He sounds like a drunk loser to me- that's what people who drink instead of work are. That's what people who drive drunk are. That's what people who lie to their wives are. Drunk losers.

As the child of an alcoholic, I know he will not change. He will always be a drunk loser. You can't help him. You can't change him. Drunk losers are still losers when they are sober, and he a truly a loser. Not worth putting any effort into him. Get out before the child sees you like this. It will affect him forever.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

beautiful_insanity -

If you're up for it, take some control of the situation. In short, you need to a have zero distractions, everything out on the table, conversation with your man. You have to know what you want - presumably a faithful, honest, supportive husband. You have to find out what he really wants. I'm not really sure, I haven't seen anything in this thread to tell me that you've asked him that question. Anything less is disrepectful to yourself and your child, as we are talking about your future.

Just so we're clear, the trajectory which your husband is on is pretty obvious - strip clubs and drinking are a sure fire way to drain household finances, in and of itself a very poor use of resources. Also, the reason he had "Kylie's" number was for take-out - i.e. he either did meet, or was planning to meet her at a short stay no-tell motel for some play time. Apparently the extras at the strip club just weren't enough. By the by, eventually he's going to figure out that spending money at a strip club is a waste of time and money for the possibility of getting lucky. He'll eventually graduate to just calling up escorts directly.

Here's where I take off the rest of the sugar coating and tell you how I see it:

There's no doubt in my mind that he spent all day out of the house back in December because you were driving him out of his mind. Clearly he knows that you are spying on him. The fact that he's driving you nuts by his behavior, well it seems like the two of you are playing a mental game with each other. I personally think the excuse of taking a whole day to buy you a Christmas gift is exceptionally thin. I mean - come on now! It's almost as if he's tempting you to call him on his bluff. In this day and age, he should have had that gift sent to his work from amazon.com, just to save on 240 miles of gas!

Where am I coming from? I'm a 35 year old guy, married nearly 10 years (not entirely happily), 2 awesome kids, and a devoted hobbyist.

Why am I weighing in? I've seen too many people let themselves continue to be victims of circumstances in which they should recognize that they can take control. As was previously stated, guys react to your actions, not your words. Get yourself a support group of friends or family. Rehearse your "come to Jesus" discussion with them if you need to. Then make it clear you mean business by acting on whatever comes of your discussion.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

The whole thing, looking at it from another perspective shows something incredibly messed-up and we're not seeing that point.

"Overreacting to stripclub??" - The point is, husband says "I'm going shopping," the wife says "don't go to any strip clubs."

When I say I'm going shopping, my wife says "Can you get some Parmesan and some olive oil." See what I mean.

To misquote "The Big Lebowski" - "The plane has crashed into the mountain!"

It's not even a question of 'overreacting' - if both people are ok with it, it's ok. If both aren't, it's not. Doesn't really matter what it is. Even if you replace "stripclub" with something reasonable, if the other person's not ok with it, there's a problem there.

A step back, some perspective, follow up with couples therapy at the very least.


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RE: overreacting to stripclub??

Good point Pjb. It's not the overreaction to the strip club it's going to a strip club dishonestly in the first place. I too would never imagine my spouse stopping off at the strip club when he says he's going to the store. On the few occasions he has gone (bachelor parties, etc) I've known about it ahead of time and had no problem with it.


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