Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

Posted by tuanh (My Page) on
Sat, Apr 24, 10 at 17:18

my wife have her sister stay with us for litle over 6 months now. dear wife said her sister is student and don't have no money ,so we can help her out till whenever she found Mr right of she can find a job to support herself and that was it, no more discus or input for me after that.
well the problem start when sis-inlaw start bringing boyfriend home and sleep over for serveral times. i told the wife that her sis can not does that because we have 2 litle sons (1,2 yrs old)in the house and we don't need stranger(s) leeping over! well i thought that was it, but then her sis bring another man and sleep over.
i told the wife she need to tell her sis- that bf need to leave because it is late 1200 am, my wife refuse to do so and stat argues that i am being selfish plaint old and cranky. i was speachless! i have no idea that we were argue over her sis- like that!
i know dear wife would not kich her sister out of the house no mater what, should i file devorce then?
any commends i would appreciate.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

Tuanh, it feels like a giant GIANT leap to me to go from this argument to discussion of divorce. However, that said, all you can do is explain to your wife your concerns. If this is a deal breaker to you, then you can explain to your wife that if she will not take your concerns into consideration, then you will take the children and stay in another place until she is willing to treat you as a partner.

While it is concerning that the sister seems to be disrespectful as a guest in your home, and the impact on your children, I'm most concerned that your wife is disregarding your concerns as unimportant. It's not about kicking sis out of the house, it's about coming to terms with you about what is acceptable, and presenting those requests as a team to the sister. There is a solution where everyone can win, but it requires being considerate to everyone's concerns.

Do you know what her concerns are about her sister?

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

You are quite justified in feeling concerned about your children's safety in this situation.

Perhaps the three of you can sit down and have a calm discussion about your concerns. Having arguments in the middle of the night is not a good plan.

I think it is very fair to ask the SIL to NOT bring home men for the night in YOUR home. She should show some respect for your home. You are providing a home for her and she should show some respect for that.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

thanks for the input Amyfiddler and Popy,
well , her sister finnally move out because she was and is having an active case of TB! but she didn't move out soon enought that cause us have to deals with county health department now.Base on the health inspector that more than likely we have to take TB drugs for six month, due to exposure to TB. Dear wife don't wants to let the childrent have to go through that , but we have no alternative solution anyway. Now her parrent decided to move in and live with us for some months? :-) i do not like the idea but dear wife already made her mind, so i just have to go along for the moment. marriage life seem too complicate for me at this time. I am praying everydays just so i can have the courage and patient to stay and be marriage.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

What?!?!? TB? Sister-in-law has TB, now the family has to be treated, and parent-in-laws want to move IN? Wife says yes without conferring with husband, and continues to totally go against husband's wishes? Tuanh, between your first post and this update, I can only ask what the heck kind of family dynamics or family culture allow this madness?

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

Yo tuanh....

If you act like a doormat, don't be surprised if people walk on you. The spinelessness you've described in yourself is astonishing. Do you have a real marriage document or is it a contract of indenture? I'm thinking you'd better check. You've described yourself as being utterly unwilling to assert yourself in even the smallest of matters. Does your wife own you? Does she have all the money? Is she or her family your employer? How is she able to dominate you so completely?

"I am praying everydays just so i can have the courage and patient to stay and be marriage."

Why would you -- or anyone -- want to stay in such a marriage? Your relationship with your wife and your home life are both disasters.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

Tuanh, the drugs for TB exposure are very hard on the liver. Please discuss with the doctors ways to decrease the harmful effects on you and your children.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

A good marriage is a democracy, not a dictatorship. I'm sorry to say, if your wife is making all the decisions, either without your input or in spite of your disagreement, you really don't have a marriage at all.

You're in a position right now, to stand up to her and state, "Look, look where your last bad decision (allowing sister to move in) has landed us--we've all be exposed to TB, and have months of treatment ahead of us. Our lives, our children's lives could be at risk because of this. Before you make another decision that could have long-term effects on us as a family, we MUST sit down together, discuss it, and decide what is the best for us and our children." There is NO WAY I'd allow anyone to move in for free--even a family member (mind you, my dd, once she was out of school, working, and still living home, paid us rent--it's how you teach people to be responsible rather than encouraging them to freeload). If her parents do move in, it should only be if they are willing to follow YOUR house rules and pay some amount of rent and board. It's not your responsibility to support your wife's entire family.

But honestly? Your relationship sounds rather disfunctional, and I'm not really sure you can put your foot down, nor that your wife will pay you any attention, even if you do. It might help to have some sessions with a really good marriage counselor--at least then, you'll know you've done all you can to fix the marriage. But if I were you? I'd be starting to squirrel some extra money away where my wife couldn't find it, so I could get out if that became necessary.

Good luck--I think you have a tough row to hoe there

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

up date, well the sister in- law move out for a year and she is about to move back in next month. i have ask meself that many question just like your said. but every time i remembered the vow that i have exchange with wife in front of god, that just make me just stay firm to the commitment. the parent in law have moved in and live with us for 9 months( no pay!), but now they have to move back into live their oldest daughter because mother in law have found out that she have lung cancer. i do felt sorry for her and wanted her to stay ,but i can not help with doctor appointments so they thought that would be better for them with their oldest daughter can taking care of the mother while she is on that long treatment process. i know my wife she have kind heart trying to take care of her family , i am praying and hoping that one of these day she will understand.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

"...sister in- law move out for a year and she is about to move back in next month."

Interesting statement because you said only six months ago that she was still there.

"...the parent in law have moved in and live with us for 9 months( no pay!),..."

So...they were already there, too, when you first posted. Interesting that your last post said they just moved in at that time.....six months ago, not nine.

And what happened with the family-wide TB treatment?

Losing credibility fast, I'd say.

You just go right on praying, tuanh. Pray and hope and honor your vow and commitment. And all those people you mentioned will keep right on dumping on you because they know that's all you're ever going to do.

RE: in-law problem? or just me being selfish?

you made vows and commitment to your wife, not to her sister or her parents.

 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!

Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.

Learn more about in-text links on this page here