My fiance's new friend...

17 years ago

My fiance recently met a guy through his work. They became fast friends. This man drinks alot and smokes marijuana. My finace tells me that he is not doing any of that, and I believe him. The problem is, ever since he met him, he has changed. We used to spend alot of time together. I'm lucky to see him two times a week. He will hand out with him until two am on the weeknights. On the weekends, they are golfing, and fishing and playing cards. These are all things I used to do with my fiance. I have expressed my feelings to him, and he gets defensive. He tells me that we can do something together whenever I want, but whenever I try to make plans with him, he already has plans with his friend. I bought us tickets to go to an exhibit that was in town, and he invited his friend to come! I have not done anything with him in almost three months. I've been very angry lately. Now he is saying he can't stand to be at home because we fight so much. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to marry this man, and I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I'm ready to call off the wedding, and count my losses. When i told him that, he told me that was a stupid idea. What do I do?

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Comments (7)

sweeby
17 years ago
That doesn't sound 'stupid' at all to me. I'd be inclined to postpone the wedding indefinitely. Don't negotiate about it. Just do it. It's not intended to be a 'threat' if he doesn't 'shape up' -- it's a well-thought out response to a very real problem.

Your guy doesn't sound ready to settle down, and he's showing a callous disregard for your feelings. Not to mention the wisdom of haning out until the wee hours with someone who's doing things that are illegal.
asolo
17 years ago
Lucky lady, actually. Most people don't get to see it coming. Time to bail. This isn't marriage material.
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From the limited info you gave, it would not be unusual if your daughter resented another woman coming into your life after having you to herself for 11 years. She has already seen two women come and go and maybe she is leery of this one too... maybe she sees her as temporary as well so why bother to establish anything close? It is more concerning when you say your fiance treats her sons like kings but hates your daughter. That seems more of a problem than your daughter not liking her since your daughter has cause to be cautious with her feelings. As a stepmom, there is no way I would have entered into the marriage if I didn't want us to be a family. I've had difficulties, as most parents and stepparents do, with my kids and my stepdaughter... and everyone getting along. However, it is something that we work on all the time because we all want this to work... and it is a lot of work to blend two families. It does not get easier.. it usually gets harder. I would also have a problem being married to my husband if he did not want to at least try to make things better. He has his problems with how my grown son behaves, but he actively looks for ways to improve the situation. The fact that you say your fiance does not want to give any is a HUGE red flag and perhaps it's time to control what you can... maybe consider her a girlfriend and not a fiance for a while? I wouldn't be planning a wedding/marriage with someone that wasn't willing to give any to make the family situation better. I agree with kkny, that your daughter is getting the short end if you don't stand up for her. She is still the kid and your fiance is supposed to be the adult.
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bnicebkind Please read my posting carefully and dont misunderstand or assume things. I did write that it is the husband that should tell her. Her 'business' is limited as well. What she does in her house is her business and what i do in mine is mine. In most situations, the biomom is jealous of the relationship adn has left over emotional baggage that has not been dealt with. I'm a very understanding person and please dont tell me to take the high road. I've given millions of chances to my husbands exwife and all i've become is an escape goat to everythign when seh doesn't get her way. And no she doesn't think of her kids. She doesn't even appreciate on how well i treat them help them in homework and i'm always considerate of her and never talk bad. But all i get to hear is how the kids love me and how she hates me for that. I understand but i am the one being the big person here. Not the biomom. Considering she is also a druggie i dont think highly of her either but i never say anything bad of her in front of the kids. She is the one who is controlling and to the point where she will damage her kids in the process without a second thought. You do not know my situation and Like i wrote before. Please read carefully. If you did , you would know i am married already. and havea child of my own. My eyes are very wide open and have been since young. I've lost my mom to cancer at the age of 11 years old. Have had two stepmoms. So i have much experience and knowledge. Plus not everyoen is understanding or kind. Take that into consideration for your thoughts. People who are jealous dont give a hoot about anything but themselves and this is waht this biomom is. If cookie is worried that the ex is going to snap then there is obvious reason to worry. Its biomoms business to know who will be involved with her kids. But beyond that, especially if she is purposely sabotaging relationships, it is NONE of her business. If she wants to know something she may ask her husband but chances are when the tables are reversed and her exhusband asks her, she will tell him its none of her businesses. You see, people like this, are not understanding. Therefore there is not much you can do. It would be great to all get along in this world. But its reality here. Not a dream.
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popi_gw
17 years ago
He is immature, count your blessings that you have figured this out before you go down the marriage road.

Read all the marriage problems on this forum...you will see that the sort of behaviour your fiance is showing, turns into huge problems in a marriage.

Please reconsider, what the wedding means, its not just an event its the door to a whole life together with this person. Is that what you want to embark on ?

Popi
carla35
17 years ago
"What do I do"....if you're asking us that you really need to s l o w d o w n. We can't decide for you, but you really should not be getting married if you are not sure about it. Put it off for a while if nothing else. Here's an odd question...but is there a chance he is a closet homosexual or using this guy as a front and there is another woman? ...just seems like strange behavior for an engaged man.
azzalea
17 years ago
I don't believe for a second that your fiance is spending that much time with this guy and NOT also engaging drugs.

He's obviously just telling you what you want to hear--not doing drugs, we can do something any time, etc.

I don't know if he's having a romantic relationship with this guy (or someone else and using him as a cover), or if he's just not that into marrying you--but it's very, very clear that you are no longer a priority in his life.

You have to make up your own mind, but were I wearing your shoes, I'd be looking at this situation and saying, "this is NOT how I plan to spend the rest of my life. I will NOT be a doormat." And then I'd be moving to change things drastically.

Really, you deserve so much better.
ninos
17 years ago
Luckly your not married yet. Im curiuos in how long till the wedding. He is obviously showing signs that he is not ready for marriage. It is possible that he may not want to marry you and this is his way of making you call off the wedding. This way he is not the bad guy(in his eyes). I know this must be really hard and painfull for you. The best advice given was to call off the wedding at least until you see him act like himself again. You need to not make any compromises with him. This is your future. Although the sea might look empty now. There are plenty of fish out there.
debo_2006
17 years ago
Sounds like the exact same problem as cupojoe (she has a posting on here dated today). What's up with these guys?

Since you threatened him and he practically laughed it off, I'd follow through with it. There's a better man out there for you.

Do you actually believe that your fiance is NOT partaking in the drinking and smoking that this other guy does. If he's around this guy as much as you say, you bet he is doing those things. Lying is not a good way to begin a marriage. Good thing it hasn't gotten to that yet - marriage I mean.

My fiance's new friend...

Comments (7)

sweeby

asolo

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