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Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Posted by bushduh (My Page) on
Mon, Apr 9, 07 at 16:19

I happened to look at my wife email's inbox at home computer(she didn't

sign out) and found recent correspondents with hers what seem to be her

ex. They would signed off the emails with "Miss U". I don't know what

to do the entire day today. Mostly I am just hurting really bad, because

I thought we had trusting relationship and that is what we emphasized

when we were dating(long distant).

Let's step back a little bit with the history. We are somewhat of a

newlyweds. We have been living together only for 3 months. We married a

year ago after two years long distant dating(she from another country).

We met through family introduction(not arranged). I am a very passionate

person and believe in loving someone whole heartily. During our dating

period I had some anonymous email telling me that my wife is manipulative

and should not be trusted. This person worked at her former company.

He/She would tell me stories of why my wife shouldn't be trusted and told

me that she/he has no personal interest in telling me this. He/she just

look out for me. At the time I didn't trust this person and asked for

evidence (pictures/emails/etc..). Of course he/she didn't have it. I

would told my wife about this and she would tell me that she/he just

jealous of her position in the company or someone just want to harm her

personally. After a while this person couldn't persuade me so they just

stopped telling me stories.

Now am question should I have listened to this person. In the email my

wife and her lover talks about their fondness for each other and they

miss, hug and kiss each other over emails. I am devastated and don't

know what to do. Although there is not physical contacts between them, I

feel that it's the same thing with the full blown affair when she's not

emotionally available to me. I do want to save the marriage provided

that she admitted to the emotional affairs and vow to make a total

dedication to the marriage. Here is my plan:

1. I feel bad for having looking at her emails but I feel that we

shouldn't have any secret in a marriage. I have always trusted her even

when others warned me not to.

I want to sit her down and ask her how she feels about the marriage and

her love for me. (We are financially in a bit of the tight situation).

I had a hunch that she wasn't herself when we got married and she was

pretty cold toward me. I asked her about it but she denied and said it

was just stress from the wedding day itself. Now that putting the two

together, I think she just married me to be here in the US.

Then I'll let her confess and tell her that I know everything. I'll let

her know that this is her last chance to redeem herself by telling the

truth and build the trust in the marriage again. If she doesn't

confess and continue denies until I proved to her by showing her the

emails then she still dishonest with me--and this is the 'last straw that

broke the camel's back' for me. I'll ask her to leave the house and stay

with her female friends and think about it for a 3 days and come talk to

me if she wants. Mean while I will talk to her parents and her sister.

This is the only way for her to come clean and change her way. She has a

lot of respect for her parents and would not do anything to make them

sad. I feel that this is the only way for her not to leave me. If she

doesn't love me and when she's ready on her own two feet(has a jobs) and

meet another person she will just divorce me. I want to protect my

emotional self and my assets (the house) that I work so hard for.

2. Even if we decide to start over I'll still have her sign a

post-nuptial agreement, for I already lost my faith in her. I took my

chances by not having her sign the pre-nuptial agreement to begin with.

I would rather annul the marriage then going through my life knowing that

she only married for convenience. I believe she has a conditional visa,

if it doesn't renewed within two years then she will loose her permanent

residency status.

Please let me know what you all think and how should I bring this up so

we can save our marriage. But I will divorce her if she doesn't love me.

thanks a millions.

bush, California


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

"I feel bad for having looking at her emails"
then why did you?

"she was pretty cold toward me."
on your *wedding day*?? & you still went ahead with it??

"I'll let her confess and tell her that I know everything."
but you *don't* know everything:
all you know is that you snooped into her emails & you think you've found that she has affection for someone.

"I'll let her know that this is her last chance to redeem herself."
What a nice guy.
What makes you think she needs to redeem herself?
Maybe she thinks you haven't been nice to her & you should "redeem" yourself.

"I'll ask her to leave the house and stay with her female friends and think about it for a 3 days and come talk to me if she wants. Mean while I will talk to her parents and her sister."
She's your *wife*, & you're going to tattle on her to her parents?

"This is the only way for her to come clean and change her way. She has a lot of respect for her parents and would not do anything to make them sad. I feel that this is the only way for her not to leave me."
So you'd rather coerce or her into staying with you than let her go if she isn't happy?

"I want to protect my emotional self and my assets (the house) that I work so hard for."
She's working, right?
but you don't think she's entitled to an interest in the house?

"Even if we decide to start over I'll still have her sign a
post-nuptial agreement, for I already lost my faith in her. I took my chances by not having her sign the pre-nuptial agreement to begin with."
news flash : you can't have a PRE-nup POST-nup.

"I would rather annul the marriage then going through my life knowing that she only married for convenience. I believe she has a conditional visa, if it doesn't renewed within two years then she will loose her permanent
residency status."
What makes you think you can have the marriage annulled?
& you're going to threaten her with deportation?

Reading through your post, I can't see any indication that you care for this poor woman at all.
You aren't emotionally devastated that she may care for someone else, you aren't asking what you can do to make her love you, you're planning & scheming to force her to stay with you.
Why?
If she doesn't love you, why would you rather force her hand than let her go with your blessings?

no advice for you, really.

but if I were married to you & you did all that stuff, I'd choose divorce.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

What's to save? Doubt "annulment" will apply. This will be divorce. In your mind it's already over anyway. She won't comply with your demands. And if she did, what would you then have? Is this how marriage works in your culture?


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I can see why you wouldn't trust her, and would want to protect yourself emotionally and financially. But your emotions are still raw, and you're going in all sorts of directions. You want her back / you want your marriage annulled / you want her deported / you just want her to love you and be trustworthy / you want her parents to bring her in-line / you only want her if she truly loves you.

I can see why you're feeling this way, and your feelings make sense on an emotional level. But going in so many directions at once is counter-productive on a practical level, and won't solve any problems.

You really need to sort through your feelings and your rational thoughts and decide on a course of action with fewer options. Do you really love your wife? Do you feel she is a good person with good character at the core? Are you willing to work hard to built the kind of marriage you want? Do you think she loves you, is someone you can trust, and is willing to work hard to build a good marriage with you? If she really is manipulative and married you only for residency and material reasons, and if she has not grown to love you since you've been together, then trying to hold onto her will only bring you pain. Better to let go now.

But it is also possible to 'miss someone' without carrying on an affair - either physical or strongly emotional. She may be more homesick for her home country and culture than for any person in particular. Does this seem likely?

My advice is to slow down, think things through, then decide what you have and what you really want.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Wow wow...reading 'sylviataxas's reply somehow I became the perpetrator instead of the victim all of the sudden. I had my doubts after the ceremony when reflecting on it but not right at the moment that's why I went though it. I admit that some of thoughts on what to do next might be immature but I have no intention of forcing her to stay in the marriage if she doesn't want to. I am pretty new at all of this that's why I post this for advice. I think I treated her very well including supporting her in the old country and now while she is in school. Emotionally I have always been very supportive when she's up and down but until recently when I discovered she has an 'emotional affair' I feel a distance between us. I just don't want to be the victim later knowing in advance all of these warnings from others and from my own discovery. I take Sylvia's opinion with a grant of salt since she only gave one sided criticism of me and nothing on my wife's action. Is this an acceptable thing to do in a marriage?


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Totally agree with Sylvia. You are not a "victim". If you didn't want to hear from posters to the forum save kind words to you and trash your wife, guess again.

Some significant problems I have with your tale:

"I happened to look at my wife email's inbox at home computer(she didn't sign out) and found recent correspondents"

Stop spying on your wife. This is the biggest turn off for me when I hear husband/wife reading spouse's email, snail mail, monitoring cell phone, etc. If you don't trust your spouse, get out of the marriage.

Second problem with your post:

"I had some anonymous email telling me that my wife is manipulative and should not be trusted. This person worked at her former company. He/She would tell me stories of why my wife shouldn't be trusted and told me that she/he has no personal interest in telling me this."

Sounds like this person is not anonymous at all.

You're going to tell mama and sister on your wife. Don't they live in the "old country" from which your wife came. You mention the emails are from an ex, is he from the "old country? Since you post your wife came from the "old country" to marry and live with you? Also, isn't your wife an adult?

There are so many holes and odd statements in your post, I am wondering if this isn't a troll.

Oh, by the way, don't make a foolish statement in public that you are going to get a post-nuptual agreement. Head's up, no such thing and besides, the horse is already out of the barn.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

It does sound like she only married you to be in the US. I know how painful it sounds, but maybe she married you to get her green card and never planned on breaking things off with the ex. I don't know why you would marry somebody you had never even lived in the same country with, but you did, so now you just need to deal with the consequences.

I don't think you should involve her family, it's really none of their business unless she wants to tell them, and it would just look like you are tattling on her. Besides, you don't want them to "talk her into" staying with you. You want her to be with you because SHE wants to.

I would sit her down, tell her you read the emails and that you know she is carrying on this emotional affair. Ask her if she wants to be with you or not. If so, you should tell her she needs to end correspondence with this man and you two should go to counseling to try and repair your marriage. If not, then either annul (if that's still possible) or get divorced.

That's my advice.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Is it my imagination or is the English better in the second post?


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Much better and not all double spaced, etc. I am wondering if this is a troll.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I fail to see what is so suspicious about this post. The OP does admit to being from another country, he admitted to snooping, and he admits some of his thoughts are immature. Yet his suspicions seem reasonable and well-founded, and many people do marry for immigration reasons or to improve their prospects.

I can see disapproving of his having snooped, but otherwise?


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I think his sin is very minor and forgivable in the whole scheme of things.

It does sound to me that he is the big victim in all of this. I don't think his wife ever intended to have a real marriage with him; it sounds to me like she really was just using him for a green card.

I can see where the OP may be so upset that he really doesn't know which feelings he can even have. May I suggest to the OP that you not try to plan everything out so well ... just confront your wife and see how things go. Trying to catch someone in a lie is hardly ever a good idea.

And, normally, I wouldn't think you'd have a chance with an annulment but maybe because a 'green card' was involved you still do. But, otherwise, I doubt you can get her to sign away her rights to your money if you didn't have her sign and pre-nuptial. And I would guess consideration (something substantial given on your part) must be given for a post-nuptial and I would think your blackmail wouldn't fall into that category. Take it easy; maybe things really aren't as bad as they seem. MAYBE she was just talking very nicely to an old friend. Worse case scenario, she was using you and you get rid of her minus some money. Some lessons just cost a little more than others.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I agree with sweeby and carla....if a person has a "gut" feeling that their spouse may be cheating or thinking of cheating, naturally you are going to go a little further and ease your mind if possible. I would say everyone is going to react in this way. bush does not seem like a troll to me. I have known a couple of people I have worked with in the past who have married someone who was not a US citizen, then was used and hurt by this person - just like it sounds in this man's situation. I feel for this man, women do use the US men to get here, they think the person is lonely enough to believe what they say. Bush...this woman is doing things she should not, I hate to say it, but sounds like you need to dissolve this marriage (my personal opinion) - MOST things that are said (you being warned before), do have some sort of truth to it in the end. Good luck!


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

For those of you who attacked poster for reading his wifes e-mail....I cannot believe that if "your" spouse started acting different/distant, and you saw subtle signs that made you wonder if something was going on...and that very same spouse forgot to shut down the computer, that "you" too would not scan the e-mails to confirm/dismiss your fears.

I would be more concerned about the person (like another poster) who justs sticks her head in the sand and thinks if she doesn't look, than she can pretend everything is OK...but worries for months and months on end, about where her husband goes everyday after work, and about the phone call he places before he leaves work everyday. She does not want to spy on him, or check up on him, and so she worries. She asks us what we think. I cannot imagine that any of you would actually take this course. I imagine that everyone of you that attacked the OP, for reading his wifes e-mail, would have done the same, and had the courage to find out the truth.

Bushduh, sometimes after marriage (and expecially after a baby) a woman may start thinking about a past boyfriend, and become obsessed with the fantasy of "what if". It does not always mean that if she actually had the opportunity to be with him again, that she would really want him, but sometimes women fantasize about that person, building him up in her mind to more than he ever really was in real life. Perhaps he was more romantic or made her feel beautiful, or wanted/loved in a way that marriage and the reality of real life cannot measure up to. The "reality" of marriage, responsibility, laundry, and dirty dishes, make some women yearn for the carefree life of a single woman just wanting to be loved, and the romance and excitement of it all. Real life with all of its responsibilities of being a grown up intrude on the fantasy.

Have a heart to heart talk with her. See what it is that she is chasing and why. Does she feel that the marriage was a mistake, or that she misses her country and perhaps this guy and all he represents from her past? Does she want to go back home, and live the life she knows? What are her true feelings for you?


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

wow.Once again I'am completely shocked how some on this forum always side with the cheater and not the one being cheated on.
The man had every dang right to snoop if he felt something was amiss. Every one of you women would do the same!
Am I not the only one who feels sorry this woman has used this poor man to stay in the country while she galavants around with some other man be it physical or not???
Totally heartless...yet if it was your man doing it to you it would a whole nother story.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

coolmama writes: "Once again I'am completely shocked how some on this forum always side with the cheater and not the one being cheated on.
The man had every dang right to snoop if he felt something was amiss. Every one of you women would do the same!"

Not this woman. I am not into "checking up" on my husband. I don't like violating anyone's privacy and don't want mine violated either. If you have an issue with your spouse's fidelity, you can actually speak to that person about it - no snooping involved. Most times, granted, not all, the cheating spouse will either admit the affair or, the spouse who has been cheated on can tell something is wrong by how the cheating spouse responds.

"Totally heartless...yet if it was your man doing it to you it would a whole nother story."

Not for this poster. Relationship over.

You all need to get yourselves in "check" with the snooping thing. I don't care what the reason (of course with the exception of criminal activity) - I don't think anyone should read their spouse's mail, email, whatever. What happened to the trust in your relationships. This guy knows he has a problem and is coming here for someone else to tell him what to do. IF this is a true scenario, I think we can all agree that he knows what to do, but is having trouble doing it.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Trust is very important in any relationship. If you have a suspicion that your spouse maybe cheating or contemplating, I believe people will "snoop" - you may not realize you are snooping, but in some form they will. You may ask your spouse straight up, but their are some really good liars out there! You never know until you are put in that position. I do feel a couple of the posts here are not sympathetic, and I feel if it were the other sex, you would have a different approach. There is no reason you should be so harsh, maybe he should not have snooped in your eyes, but that does not justify that he be "slammed" for it. You do not know what you will do until you walk in someones shoes. I know I would snoop in my daughters life if I thought for one minute she was doing something she shouldn't! If they will not tell you straight up, and you know something is going on, then as far as a child, you snoop to maybe save their life. If a spouse is doing something, and you know they are not telling you straight up, well their is a thing called self-respect, and I for one will not be made a fool out of.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Yes,I agree with Jenny alabama. Op didnt come here to get slammed.
Personally,I dont see the big deal with snooping. Trust,to me,is having nothing to hide. If you are worried about snooping,it's because you're trying to hide something.An honest person wouldnt care if you looked at their things because they know they are innocent.My husband can look at whatever he chooses if it makes him feel better,because I have nothing to hide! Only when a person is lying or cheating do they then become offense about their property in my opinion.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Some of the responses here show a lack of familiarity with the customs of other cultures. While I don't expect eveyone to know these things, I would hope that those who do not know refain from commenting.

For many Asians, informing the in-laws of a cheating spouse on her behaviour is acceptable. It is not considered "tattling". It's more like free marriage counseling. The in-laws try set the wayward spouse straight. It is a matter of honour to the family. While these practises are becoming more anachronistic, some follow them still.

I was in a long-distance relationship for years before we married. When e-mails are all you have for months at a time, words and their meanings are very important. In this context, seeing "Miss U" would cause me concern.

While the OP may be guilty of snooping, his wife may have actually BROKEN THE LAW. You see...entering the US on a conditional visa under the pretext of marriage requires one to declare under oath that the marriage is indeed genuine. This covers not only the marriage certificate of the issuer country, yet also the "feelings" of the couple towards each other. If either of the partners has no "real feelings" for the other, than the marriage can be deemed "not genuine" - even if all legal paperwork is in order. The arrangement is considered instead a "marriage of conveniance". Anyone who enters the US under these conditions has entered illegally.

Some of the OP's plans to address his dilemma made sense to me; some did not. However, he's going through Hell right now. I doubt all my thoughts would be rational ones under the same circumstances.

Bushduh...I wish I had some good advice for you. All I suggest is that you confront her about the e-mails. I hope you get an answer that satisfies you. If you are wrong about your suspicions, be ready to apologise unconditionally.

However, if your wife truly has no feelings for you, let her go. If she has to leave the US because of her actions, so be it. By allowing her to stay with that knowledge you are breaking the law, as well. This will also give you an excuse to "cheat" on your wife. Do you want to be that kind of person?

Life is too short to be with somone who doesn't love you back.

Peace.

Marco


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Hi everyone. I am so touched by all of yours thoughtful comments and suggestions. You're like my invisible friends whom I can turned to during this difficult time in my life. I can't really share with anyone in my circle of friends/family at this stage since I want to protect my wife's just in case we are going to work things out. ( For those who want to correct my English and have bias, please take your comments elsewhere. It's not welcome here. The last thing I want to do now is to correct my English. I just type away hoping that it makes sense). So far I haven't taken any action. I just want to think it through carefully and consider all of my options. I am actually very upset but I want to give myself sometimes to cool down and to collect myself so that I can sit down and talk to her in a respectful manner so that I don't hurt her pride.

It's amazing that there are so many thoughtful and observant contributors on this forum. Marco keenly identified that I am actually Asian. And yes that is how things work in our culture. Case and point: Her parents ask to meet me first and talk to me before they give the OK to take their daughter out for a coffee on our first date. Not like in our culture here where one doesn't meet the parents until both are serious about getting married.

For those who replied and took the moral high ground of respecting privacy, trusting and all that. Give me a break. I am glad you happen to have good marriage and you never have to think about snooping around. Like 'Jenny alabama' & 'labmoma' said one will be curious to find out what's going on especially when your spouse is behaving cold/distant from you and constantly deny and often refuse to talk about the subject of the heart. I can't recall when was the last time she look me in the eyes lovingly. And as I said am a very passionate person.

This is where I got an uneasy feeling but didn't confront her on the wedding day. I wanted to make it the happiest day of my life. This is where it hurt me second to the recent event. During the ceremony she didn't even look me in the eyes as she repeat after the pastor and exchange the ring with me. During the entire day she seem to be pre-occupied with thoughts and didn't seem to pay attention to me. Am I too sensitive of a man? I asked her about it later she told me that she was nervous planning for the rest of the day. My thinking was, what else could be more important than spending those precious moments with your spouse in front of God as a witness. And now I am thinking maybe she didn't want to look me in the eyes because she ashamed of facing God for making a decision not from the heart. Yes this is what I get for trusting too much and thinking that how can I go wrong with an educated catholic girl.

Of course I respect others' privacy and I think I have placed enough faith in her for the past two years. We agreed that because of the long distance in order for our relationship to work it has to base entirely on trust. I even mentioned to her about the anonymous emails and have never question her. I didn't call around to check her out then knowing that I could very capable of doing that, since it's a small town and I do have relatives who live in the city. She came up the explanation that made sense to me at the time that it was co-worker jealousy. Right before she came over some of my relatives did give me some vague warnings that they just recently heard over the grapevines but they don't want to tell me everything because they don't want me to be unhappy or talk bad about my wife. It's hard to hear that your wife has been around the block.

I do find comfort in reading 'bnicebkind's' reply.
Yes she does miss home naturally from being apart from her parents and friends and adapting to a new way of life. I do my best to understand and comfort her. She talks to her sister who live in a different state on the daily and call her parent on weekly basis. I find that this might be what she is going through: "Bushduh, sometimes after marriage (and especially after a baby) a woman may start thinking about a past boyfriend, and become obsessed with the fantasy of "what if". It does not always mean that if she actually had the opportunity to be with him again, that she would really want him, but sometimes women fantasize about that person, building him up in her mind to more than he ever really was in real life. Perhaps he was more romantic or made her feel beautiful, or wanted/loved in a way that marriage and the reality of real life cannot measure up to. The "reality" of marriage, responsibility, laundry, and dirty dishes, make some women yearn for the carefree life of a single woman just wanting to be loved, and the romance and excitement of it all. Real life with all of its responsibilities of being a grown up intrude on the fantasy. " Thank you 'bnicebkind'. I wouldn't have the experience and the insight to think of this. As you can see this forum helps me alot. Back home her mom cooks and if needed she simply swing to the corner cafe and get something to eat. Now she has to go to school and go home and cook. She certainly not ready to do that day in and day out. I offer to help cooking and I do the dishes. The problem is most people from a third world country form their perceptions though movies and think that the US is a piece of heaven. I have never promised her of heaven but did tell her as much as I can about how impersonal and busy life here is. Yes money is tight because I am looking for a job. But we live in a nice home. Some how she had a vision in her head that when she come I'd take her traveling before settling down to work/ or go to school and I'd take her on a shopping spree. So she was kind of disappointed when that didn't happen and I only took her to sight seeing locally and shop just enough. I am sure if I were to be well off go out eating often, travel, and shop without thinking then she's not as sad as she is today. But if she can find happiness in little of what we have and build a life together with me then we're in for the long term.

I sure hope that it's a phase that she is going through. But for now I have a lot of doubt that is the case. For the life of me I can't understand writing to someone else about missing, hugs and kissing them while being married. But there is more...there is a little details I almost forgot to mention. She actually writing to two guys, one from her home country and the other I don't know(could be here in the US) with similar tone of voice. I am not sure what this fact tells me. Either she is as manipulative as others have warned me or this is how she deals with missing her home.

Until we have the 'talk' then I can better judge the whole
situation. I hope I am not naive then and accept one excuse to the next. I hope I have a clear vision to see though it and decide once and for all. Like Marco said: "Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't love you back."

Thank you for reading my lengthy writing...please check back with this posting regularly and give me some insights....

Bushduh


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I hesitate to say anything but the advice you are getting here assumes that she married you because she loved you and that everything can work out.
My own experience as an immigration lawyer years ago suggests that there are a lot of women from foreign countries who marry Americans for other reasons. That is especially true when they correspond and marry without much extended contact. You go over to that country to visit, and everything seems so wonderful. But, they write to several men because its hard to know which one will marry them. So its no surprise she is still corresponding.
If you look at it from her standpoint--the man to pick is the most idealistic and the one who is most easily manipulated. Somebody who won't check to determine if she has children, other lovers. Somebody who will ignore advice from family and friends, and hang around long enough for her to get her green card, without getting nasty and violent.
There is no magic solution. It is not your fault if this has no happy ending --it wasn't going that way to begin with.
Ignore the posters who tell you not to check--I suggest you pull your credit report and put a freeze on it; and make sure you don't put all your money in joint accounts. Sometimes these ladies take off suddenly with whatever $$is available, and tell the next guy you are so brutal and nasty. You are not going to win in this--at least cut your losses.
In California, you can't easily get an annulment for immigration fraud--lots have tried.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Now THAT sounds like sound advice from someone who knows...
Sorry Bushduh


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

So....I finally sat my wife down and asked her if she has been not totally honest with me either in action/ thoughts/words/emails while we were apart one year after were married and up until now(we are together for 4 months now after one year of paper work). I reemphasized our agreement of being totally honest with each other and asked that she think twice before answering, hoping that she will confess and there would be some light at the end of the tunnel for us to work things out. Despite her recent emails to two of her former lovers with similar language of missing and yearning to seeing them again, she adamantly denied any wrong doing. I just feel violated how could she possibly being married to me and at the same time write this kind of emails to her former lovers? Is she really in love with me(my gut feeling tells me she is not) or I am just the ticket to her permanent green card and then dump me? I didn't tell her that I did read her emails. She is still thinking that if I don't know about it then it's alright up to now. I'll tell her eventually. It sounds like a harmless case or not enough ground for a divorce/annulment. What do you think? Life is too short to live with someone who doesn't love you completely. I am a believer in that statement. We haven't spoken since last night and I just don't know what to do next. Please help.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

This is silly. Lay it all out and work it out or don't. No sense in both of you sneaking around. Life's too short. Maybe its a huge misunderstanding. Maybe its betrayal. Find out and act.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

From what you've written, she sounds deceitful and like she is using you. Of course, if she is dishonest and manipulating you, she will tell you that she's not, and perhaps even 'make nice' to fool you into non-action for a few more years. Or worse - get pregnant, and then leave you with her citizenship and your child support checks.

Do you have any unbiased contacts in her home country who could be relied upon for some discrete investigation as to how she conducted herself while you two were apart? Or perhaps it would make sense to hire a professional detective to look around. Or someone else from her old job -- not the person who wrote to you, because you know that person was out to discredit your wife (maybe honestly, perhaps not).

At this point, I'd seek the advice of a lawyer who is knowledgeable in family and immigration law to see what your position is and what your legal options are. The longer you stay married and living together, the harder it will be to get the marriage annulled, and the more claim she will have to your assets in the event of a divorce.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

At this point you need to give a lot of thought about protecting yourself, your assets.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I recommend getting out of the marriage. Like stated earlier, she is not going to be honest with you. You have proof that there is someone else. Why stay? Whether she is acutally seeing someone (past lover) or emotionally in contact with someone, she is not being faithful. Doesn't sound as like she loves you. You life could be total hell if you do not end this. Like said earlier, she could get pregnant, you are stuck with paying for a failed marriage in the end, child support, alimony, etc...


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

Bushduh -- You are in California--you do not need grounds for a divorce here. You fill out the paperwork and get to fight over the assets.
An annullment is very difficult to get and would be more expensive. You are in your marriage--look around you.Is she smiling and happy near you--making dinner and planning vacations. Or is she distant and secretive. Do you have things to talk about & go places together. You ought to know if things are not right. If they aren't good and you are a newly wed--it doesn't improve from here. Green card marriages have a high rate of divorce. If you are going to get a divorce--stop talking to her about it. Just do it, otherwise she can claim that you were abusive with her; she can get her green card anyhow and you can have criminal problems. One of my clients told me that his wife threw a t.v. set out the window, called the police and then claimed the husband did it and threatened to kill her. He had to get an attorney to defend him on the criminal charges. I almost believed her story until one of her girlfriends had a similar t.v. set out the window incident. However both ladies got their green cards.


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RE: Curiosity kills that cat. I need help!

I just talked to a lawyer and she told me that's it's hard to get an annulment especially I can't prove that she married for the green card (besides we have been married longer than normally allowed in an annulment case). Infidelity doesn't prove it. The lawyer told me that in California what ever I earned after we married will be community property and if she moved out I have to support her. Officially we have been married almost two years come this July. Either way I am going to loose--the price I have to paid for making a rushed decision. I am still blaming myself for not listening to my gut feelings and others' repeated warnings. And that is one lesson I hard learned from all of this my friends: your gut feeling tells you a lot! Should I tell her my discovery and intention of getting a divorce now or get my financial life in order first? I need to have a tax accountant look at my tax fillings make sure that I have done my taxes properly for the past two years, because if she were to hire a lawyer they will dig up these things to ask me to pay for support. I just want to make sure I establish the right footing with the court before we go on this case. The lawyer adviced me to start soon because the longer I let it go the more she will claim from my earning/assets.
Thanks for reading and advising.


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