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Confused - help

Posted by justme01 (My Page) on
Tue, Apr 17, 07 at 16:02

I've been married to my second wife for 7 years now, she was also married once before. We have two small children together. When we were dating she told me she had only seven sex partners before me. The other night the subject came up again and she said it was really 15, as the conversation went on she told me she also had an abortion. I have caught her in small lies in the past that were no big deal other than breaking down trust. It's not like I am trying to catch her in a lie, they have been lies about silly stuff when the truth would have been just as good. I feel like she is not the person I thought I married. Should I ignore the past? I can't get it out of my mind since she told me. Abortion, 15 guys, Am I being unreasonable? I really don't want a second divorce but I can't cope with not trusting either.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Confused - help

I understand your resentment and feel that its justified. I also suggest that you subjugate it on behalf of your children.

That was then. This is now. However, the trust issue is huge....and "now" if the lying continues and goes beyond the "little white" catagory. Because of personal experience, the hidden agenda thing is a particular hot-button with me.

Is she a good wife/mother otherwise? Do you think you can come to a fresh understanding with her?


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So many guys have such a double-standard when it comes to how many sexual partners a woman's had! And abortion is such a touchy and sensitive subject with very strong opinions and biases on both sides. It's not the kind of subject that is 'safe' for most women to talk about with most men. Seems every man wants a woman to NOT have sex with anybody else, but to have it with him early and often. Not fair.

My guess is that she thought you would view her as 'soiled' if you knew she had had 15 prior partners and an abortion, so she lied. She told you the truth recently because she trusted you and your relationship enough to do so. She trusted you to know the whole person, to know what kind of wife and mother she is, and not to judge her differently based on some archaic standard. But it sounds like you DO now view her as 'damaged goods', though you say it's the lie itself, not the subject of the lie. (Frankly, I don't believe that, and I'd be interested to see how many women here do.)

The best way to elicit total honesty from a spouse is to make telling the truth pain-free -- to readily forgive ordinary mistakes and shortcomings. I have never once lied to my husband because I've never felt the pressure to. He's readily forgiven every dumb, lazy, small and careless thing I've done, so I've been able to be totally honest with him. It's the greatest gift he could give me, and for that, I love him dearly and trust him completely. Hubby #1 (now known as Evil-Ex) 'punished' me with criticism, the silent treatment or insults for all my mistakes and human shortcomings, so as a result, I tried to hide them from him. In the process, I put up a pretty good protective wall around my inner self.

My advice is to examine your own actions - not hers. Be totally honest with yourself before you demand total honesty from her.


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I think that what happened before she met and married you is in the past and should stay there.

Why did you marry her ?

Do you still love her?

Move on and focus on your children and life now.

P


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I'm sorry,but you should just get over it. 15 guys is NOT ALOT in the larger sceme of things.Exspecially not in the day and age we live in,which isnt the 1950's. And of course she was probably terribly embarrassed to tell you about the abortion! She was probably afraid you'd react just as you are now! Maybe she wanted to be sure you were "The one" before she told you something so personal.She didnt have to tell you at all,honestly.

Please,worry about something that's actually important~like the kids you have now.


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You say she's been caught in other lies, about unimportant things.

When one tells a lie when the truth will do, that's usually seen as a pretty significant symptom of a serious problem.

Not only that--but what kind of example is she setting for your children? Do you want them growing up seeing this as normal and okay? Will you be able to trust her to take proper care of the kids? Will you be able to rely on her telling you if there is a problem with the children?

And 15 sexual partners? yes, that is a HUGE deal. That means you've been exposed to every SID any of them might have had--AND she didn't give you that information in a timely manner so you could protect yourself. That's big. And given her capricious relationship with the truth, is it really 15? or could it be 35? or 2? How will you ever know when she's telling the truth when she doesn't make a habit of it?

Not sure you need to get divorced--you haven't said anything about your general relationship, how the marriage is working in other areas. But I'd think that some marital counselling would be in order. As would--if you can get her to agree--a psychological evaluation for her. She may have issues that need to be treated or they will just become worse and worse.

Were I in your shoes, I'd do a couple of things. First, document everything (and keep the record someplace where she cannot get to it). I'd let her know in no uncertain terms that no marriage can survive when it's built on lies, and that some changes need to be made. I'd lovingly let her know that I want her to be the best, healthiest person she can be, and I'd insist that together we get the counselling that will help our marriage and her mental health. Standing by her side could work miracles for her. And I do think you need to look into her past and find out WHY she feels the need to lie so much--did she have an abusive controlling husband in the past? She may need a lot of help getting over something like that. A counsellor will be helpful there, too


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I've been married 5 years: dated DH about one and a half years and was engaged the following year prior to getting married. Shortly after we started dating, I moved out of town (for a job) and spent the first year in another city. In that city I met someone else who I dated and slept with, and who DH (my boyfriend at the time) thought I dated and slept with. DH asked me to tell him the truth but I would not, I swore the other guy and I were just friends and that nothing had ever happened between us. Soon after that I ended it w/the other guy.

Fast-forward to recent times: I was in touch w/the other guy again, mostly b/c he contacted me and I was unhappy dealing with marital issues and he was a sympathetic ear. DH was very suspicious of my emails to the other guy and he eventually accessed my email and read it. Nothing physical had happened between me and the other guy since I broke it off w/him prior to getting married, but we did write about the past, what had happened and why it ended (that is another story in itself but basically I stopped talking to him and that stopped everything else and he never knew why and I felt guilty to handling it that way), and DH saw that and was hurt that I had been lying to him all these years.

DH and I are in marriage counseling and the lying issue has been discussed. DH has, in the past, been someone who was critical of my mistakes and mis-judgements--even w/everyday stuff--and I don't believe he would have handled the truth well. However, I also believe it was wrong of me to lie to him, I should have been honest back when it first happened and, if he was going to leave me for that reason, he should have been given an opportunity to know the truth and make an informed decision. Handling it the way I did was another mistake at the time.

I think my point here is that people can learn from their mistakes and those lessons can lead to change. We're at the point in counseling where DH is trying to learn whether or not he can deal w/knowing that I've lied to him all these years and if he'll be able to not "throw it back in my face" when he's angry etc. I know I will never lie again to someone I love the way I love DH. But he also has to know if he can live w/me after I've lost his trust. He will never be able to trust be completely again, or if he can it will be a very, very long time. It's a tough situation.

I hope you can forgive your wife and move on. I believe that when she sees that you can love her when she is honest, she will find it easier to be honest and will stop "protecting" herself with lies. The things she hid from you are very sensitive issues and things she may not have felt comfortable revealing to you at the time, but now she is opening her heart. It would benefit your relationship if you told her how you feel when you discover another lie. Let her know that it breaks down your trust, be honest with her.

Give your relationship an opportunity to grow.


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She may not be proud of how many partners she has had. She may not be proud of the abortion she has had. She may have even been afraid of your reaction. Your obviously not takin it well. Is it the lying that bothers you or what she has done in her past that really bothers you. There is a risk of disease with one sex partner. I think after 7 years of marriage she would know by now if she was carring something. It sounds like she has been faithful and hasnt given you any reason to question her. This is her past. Let it stay in the past. We all have some skeletons in our closets. It doesnt mean we are not better people today.


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This is kind of a hard situation. I believe in honesty up front. If you are dating someone and you know they are say Catholic, they most definitely do not believe in abortion and have stated that, it is wrong to hide that from him. That is his belief and he may view it as unacceptable. That person is very wrong for hiding that. That is his right to know. Same as a devoted Christian who believes sex before marriage is wrong, that is his/her right to know and if you are not honest with them, I can see where you would not be forgiven. It is that persons business you are marrying. If you hide these things before the marriage, chances are you will hide more. You want them to view you as the most wonderful thing, lies lead to more lies. Not all men look at what you have done in your past, rather than the lies you have told. I can not stand a liar, nor can my husband. I was honest with him during the 4 years we dated. He knew how many partners I had and I knew how many he had. I had more, he had 4 - when we married he was 40. I think it just depends on how you can handle a lie, it will either eat you up inside that the person who is supposed to love you, has lied, and you will never trust that person again, then it will eat you up inside. Depends on your values. Abortion is a VERY BIG THING TO HIDE. My husband does not look down on me for my past, but if I lied about it, he would.


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It's both, the lying and what she did. I am not taking it well at all, though I am trying. To some 15 may not be many, to me it is. She is a good mother and wife, I truly believe she is faithful and for these reasons I want to make it work. I am struggling with the trusting part and trying not to feel differently towards her. Guys are supposed to be strong, I don't feel very strong right now. Thanks for your advice.


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If you truly believe she is faithful, then it can work. If you love her that much, forgiving and trusting will come back in time. Do not look for anything, if there is anything wrong, you will see it. It just depends if she is really good wife and mother. My husbands ex was very much a liar....he did not catch on until about 5-6 years into their marriage, this being that he is a VERY trusting person. Go with you gut instincts. Sounds like you are a very good person, good things happen to those that are good.


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justme...you say that she is a good wife, and a good mother. Forgive her. Love her.

Our culture and the expectations that are put on young people in our society today, encourage this lifestyle. Pick up many of the womens magazines (teen and magazines for guys for that matter), and the stuff on TV, movie, music all make this lifestyle seem as though it is what is expected of people today. It can take time for people to develop their own beliefs, that stand firmly against the tide of society, and wish they could do it over, because they would make different choices this time around. She cannot do anything about what has passed, but she can decide who she is from this day on, and be the person she strives to be. And it appears that she has done that by being a good wife, and a good mother. Don't punish her for what she cannot change. Love her for who she has grown to be.

In some cultures, intimacy is sacred and cherished, but in our society, it has become so cheap and treated so casually and with so little respect. How sad and tragic.

Forgive her, and love this wife of yours, who is trying to be a good wife to you, and a good mom to your children. Regarding the lying issue...work with a counselor on this. Does she by any chance have a parent who intimidates her with their anger or moods, or controlling? Sometimes, a child can learn to lie, because they find it easier to side step a parent by telling them what they want to hear, and avoiding confrontations, or disappointing them, and they are able to remain the "good" child. A counselor can help you get to the bottom of this behavior and work on changing it. It is a bad habit.


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You asked a question, got an answer, now you're upset becaue you got an answer you didn't like. Why did you even bring it up? It was a different life ago..it was the PRE-YOU life ago. For goodness sakes let it go. Life began when you two became a WE. The abortion is only an issue when the doctor ask..and how many pregnancies have you had? SHe can now answer honestly. Why didn't she tell you before, be honest with you before. Maybe she was afraid you'd take it badly...don't know why..maybe because YOU ARE.

Vickey-MN


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"Why didn't she tell you before, be honest with you before. Maybe she was afraid you'd take it badly..."

This is pretty awful justification. Of course people lie because they think someone will "take it badly". Personally, I always take it badly when I'm lied to. Especially when it results in my being taken advantage of by the person who is deceiving me. I think you've missed the point and provided an unsupportable justification.


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Give me a break though.Everyone stretches the truth here and there. If you say you dont,that in itself is a lie. Who hasnt lied to take a day off of work or something? People shouldnt act Holier than thou unless they know for a fact they themselves are saintly. What matters is the big things~and it seems like she is doing fine with those.
Go to any college in America and I bet those girls have had more sexual partners than your wife.
You have two healthy children,so obviously she hasnt any diseases from it,so move on.You cant change the past. If you really think this is divorce material,you must be one heck of a shallow person.


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RE: Confused - help

justme - I can understand that you are unhappy about the lying. I also agree with some of the reasoning here about why she may not have told the truth earlier. She has now.

You said that, to you, 15 is a lot. Is that a lot because she's a woman or because 15 sexual partners is a lot? How many have you had? I don't ask that to be judgemental, really - just wondering if there's a double-standard going on.

How old were each of you when you got married?

I do think that honesty is best - even mandatory. But sometimes people have reasons ... insecurity, fear, whatever. That doesn't automatically mean that they should never be trusted again or should be cast out.


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I also just want to add that you are assuming your wife just had casual sex with these men. Did it ever occur to you that maybe they were men she was hoping to be Mr. right and for whatever reason it just didnt work out? Maybe she trusted some of these men and they used her? She certainly isnt to be blamed for that! It is very hard to find a good person to be with these days.Lots of people go through several before settling on one who is right for them. If she is to be judged for how many men she has slept with,then certainly men should be judged for how they use women and think it's ok.

Sweeby raises a very good point that~all people make mistakes.Exspecially in marriage.A strong marriage is one where the husband and wife forgive each other of little things and dont nit pick at each other.


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I hate to see a woman's 'virtue' being measured against a number. Somehow, that seems really, really wrong to me.

Hey Popi - Are you here? Show THIS thread to your daughter so she can see how a young man preceives '15'...


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It really does seem as if all of you are attacking this guy. He already said it was an issue with him....abortion is nothing to be taken lightly. If it is your strong belief that it is wrong, then why judge someone? It almost seems as if a guy is posting here with a problem, you do not see it as possible that he has the morals and not the other way around. To me, lying about an abortion is just as bad as lying about an affair. vickey...you are really judging this guy, there are men out there that are not "whores", and that really value their beliefs. Maybe he did not bring it up, maybe she did and feels comfortable enough now that he will not leave her. Obviously she knew it was not what he wanted in a person, or she would have never lied in the first place.


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I understand I posted on a open forum and some will critize for my question. I plan on talking with my wife in the next day or two and explain my feelings. Believe me, I don't want to feel this way. It's something I can't stop thinking about. I very much want to trust her, it may take time. The other day I saw a sign in front of a church that said "a lie cannot stand on it's own, it needs other lies to support it" At this point I'm not sure what else I've been told that was not true. To some this may be a minor issue, but I can't help the way I feel. I have never lied to my wife and never will.


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I encourage you to clear this up between you and make a new start. I'm not as concerned about the "15" as you are but the abortion deception is troubling and I would wonder what else (if anything) there may be. Would make me feel like I had been taken advantage of.

On the other hand, if you've got a good wife and mother on your hands with seven years of good experience I see no reason this can't be put behind both of you. Your "feelings" are legitimate but can be managed unless there's something more in the mix. I think you would both be better off by putting this in a box and putting on a shelf where it doesn't need to be handled ever again.


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I'm sorry,but the abortion had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with this man.SHE DID NOT HAVE TO TELL HIM. It was a personal decsion made long ago,and really none of his business.He is lucky she told him at all. It's not like he'd have found out otherwise.
I dont think I'm being overly harsh here. I do not condone sexism,and that is what this sounds like to me.Sounds like a typical Madonna/whore complex if you ask me. He finds out his virginal wife has a sexual past and suddenly feels threatend by it. If he really loved his wife,he would see past his own jealousy over this and support her for having been through something so awful.Instead she is being judged unfairly by the one man in the world she thought she could trust.Sounds like a great husband.


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Agreed Coolmama.

Boys - If you don't want to know, or think you may not be able to handle the truth -- DON'T ASK!


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Why is the abortion deception troubling ?

This happened before he new the woman, I fail to see why it is any concern of his, now. Did she "lie" about it or did she just omit mentioning it, and why does she have to mention that anyway ? Its a very personal event, and a very heartfelt one, and she may have felt that is the way she wants to keep it.

I don't see your wife as a lier, she has just not told you things, so what ?

A man can have no concept about how a woman feels about an abortion.


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I'll ask again, since you didn't answer: how many sexual partners have you had, justme? I only ask because you said that her having 15 partners bothered you - not just the lying.

And how old were each of you? If 20, then 15 partners by then might be a lot. If 40, maybe not.

Suzieque


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May I assume that all of you abortion apologists would have a similar opinion if this fellow had a child by a previous woman that he chose not to disclose to his wife-to be? Maybe gave up parental rights so there's no strings...no effect on present situation. Or maybe impregnated several who then had abortions, but no strings now. No big deal, right?

I think we've stumbled over a political trip-wire.

The man is troubled by what he perceives as deception and non-disclosure. I think his concerns are worthy of consideration.


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"abortion apologists"? I take offense to that term.I also highly doubt the man is troubled by what he perceives to be deception.Seems like a troll post to get everyone all ralled up about abortion if you ask me.Exspecially in light of the fact that partial birth abortions were just banned.

And to answer your question,to me,No I wouldnt care if a man impregnanted someone before me who had an abortion. The situation is between those two people and their doctor~ NO ONE ELSE!!! As for having a child he gave up parental rights to,that is a completely different issue altogether...because the child could in fact enter his life at any given time.


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May I assume that all of you abortion apologists would have a similar opinion if this fellow had a child by a previous woman that he chose not to disclose to his wife-to be?

This is a entirely different situation, as Coolmama says, the child could come into their lives, and that child would also be related to any subsequent children born into the marriage, of course everyone should be aware of that situation.

Or maybe impregnated several who then had abortions, but no strings now.

Not relevant to present marriage.


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I agree with popi and coolmama that the issue of whether your wife had an abortion should have nothing to do with whether you trust her. A woman's sexual history (number of partners, abortions, etc) has nothing to do with her trustworthiness.

But more importantly to me is the question of your expectations. You seem to think that you are entitled to know everything about her because you married her. Why would that be the case? I believe that you are entitled only to information that affects your life together - the fact she once became pregnant and had an abortion does not fall into that catagory. Neither does the number of partners she had. You are entitled to know if she has an STD though because that would affect you.

It would help if you could see the fact that she told you about it at all as a sign that she now trusts you enough to share this piece of herself. But that was a gift; not something you were owed. Even if you had asked her about this specifically ("did you have an abortion before you knew me?" - a question it appears from your original post that you did not ask) she did not owe you this information. It is part of her past and as long as it doesn't affect your life or health or children, it belongs to her to share, to forget or to conceal as she wishes.

I hope you can change the way you interpret the information you have been given by your wife because if you continue to focus on what you percieve as her dishonesty, your feelings will result in a situation where a divorce might be the best thing for all of you.

Can you honestly say that you would be willing to end a marriage with children over this? To deny your children the security of an intact marriage? When you say that in other ways your wife is a great wife and mother?

Ask yourself please why you think you are entitled to know everything you might wonder about your wife or her history. Is she not to be allowed any part of her soul that is private just because she is married?


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""abortion apologists"? I take offense to that term."

No intention to offend and don't understand why you would take offense. Definition of "apologist" is a person who offers an argument in defense of something controversial. Basically an explainer. Seems appropriate usage to me.

The obviously controversial nature of the topic seems to me to easily explain the trouble in mind the OP is having. Same could be said of the "15". It is not difficult for me to respect both points of view but both are certainly controversial.


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I'm not defending it for being controversial though.I'm defending his wife.Men will never understand how awful a thing it is to go through.It couldnt have been easy for her to decide to do.Obviously part of her may feel ashamed and that is why she didnt tell him sooner.
You would hope after 7 years and two kids you could tell your husband something like this though.
I didnt tell my husband for many years that I was molested,so does that make me a liar too? Did he hold it against me when he found out and think I was "soiled"? Certainly not.He loved and supported me,and was there for me.

Also,Op is taking it a little too personally.It's not like it was his child she aborted,and didnt tell him.This was between her and someone else.Or maybe that is his problem,that she had someone else before him.


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You are all still not treating this guy the way you would if it was a woman. If this man feels that abortion is wrong, then it is wrong whether it be his child or "Tom's" child before he was around. I am not a religious fanatic, but whether any of you want to admit it or not, their are people out there with strong family values, and abortion is not to be taken lightly, numerous partners are not to be taken lightly. That is his right to feel that way and if he strongly believes that abortion is killing a child, then he has EVERY right to be upset. That IS his business. Why, because it may be against his religion, maybe she knew that and if she did, then she is the one to blame. If a gay man marries a woman, knowing he is GAY, then 10, 20 years later, lets his wife know, is he wrong? Or is she wrong for getting upset because he lied to her before they married knowing that was against her belief? You may say that is different, but it's not. A lie is a lie, belief is a belief, no matter how you try to go around it. Abortion is nothing to be taken lightly, no matter who's child it was. I do not say he should just go ahead and divorce her. We do not know everything involved. This man feels deceived and you should have more compassion for him and advice, rather than think because he is a man that he does not deserve to have any morals. I believe alot of you feel this way, just from reading your posts. You may think that is her business and her right to keep this from him, but it is also his right to know. And yes, I believe if you could lie about something so important, than there could be lies to follow. You should never go into a marriage with not being upfront with everything. Maybe there would not be so much divorce if you "washed your concience" clean of everything.


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I'm not Catholic, so I'm going to have to imagine this, but play along with me.

Imagine you go to confession to "wash your conscience" and the priest, instead of offering absolution and urging you to do better, started yelling, judging or blaming you for your sins? Imagine he viewed you differently from then on? As 'soiled goods'? A liar? Or worse, a murderer? How would that feel? Would it make you want to go back to confession? Ever?

My point is only that if you want to hear the truth, then you have to make the truth 'safe' to tell. To refrain from judging and condemning. Doesn't sound to me like the OP has done that.


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I don't think the analogy of priest and husband is a good one although I understand your point.

Appears to me the OP is simply feeling deceived. He's not a preist. He's a husband. Who -- apparently, right now -- is wondering who he married.


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I really dont care.I still say OP is a troll.Everyone starts arguing over the rights and wrongs of abortion.He is asked over and over how many sexual partners he has had and never answers,but mysteriously disapears.

And as much as I want to respond to what Jenny said,I'm not going to continue debating and being played by some troll.


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I can assure you I am not a "troll". I didn't intend this to be an abortion argument either. My personal belief though is it's wrong. I have had less than 15 partners in my lifetime. There would have been more but I'm not the kind to bed anyone that comes around. I'm a few years older than my wife if that matters. The double standard for men and women when it comes to the number of partners is not right but most guys probably feel like I do and don't want their wife to have had several partners.

How can anyone say what they did in the past is not their mates business? Doesn't it help define who we are and what our morale fiber is? What if there were drugs involved or the number was 100? I think you have a right to know. We all make decisions in life, good or bad and must live with the consequences. Do not be dishonest about them though, that only makes it look like you are a liar and will continue to lie. This is an internal struggle for me and I'm trying, right now I just don't know what else I've been told that's not true. I almost feel deceived. These are not the only things that I now know were not true, just some of the more serious ones.


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Even without disclosing my personal opinion of the issues you brought forward, I think you have a point. Trust is a great big thing in marriage. If a person feels lied-to or deceived or taken advantage of, it hurts. And it affects everything else. Here's hoping you may come to new understanding and be able to move ahead. Here's to new beginnings. Here's to working it out and getting the trust back.


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No blame to the man who got her knocked up,probably threatened to leave her and make her support a child by herself.
No blame to men who use women and think it's a game either.

Just seems wrong to me.Have you bothered to ask her the circumstances to any of this?

I realize my opinion differs here because I'm only in my thirties and know what it is like to date in this day and age. It is a jungle out there!!! I wouldnt want to be single again for anything.
I once dated a guy,who I thought was was perfect. Then he tells me,"I usually dont talk to women after I sleep with them"
So I say,"Well,I'm not sleeping with you then"

He says,"Oh no,I wouldnt do that to you~I really like you!"

What do you know? He dumps me after. And I cant tell you how many times this sort of thing happens to my girlfriends. Men tell us what we want to hear to get us in the sack and than BAM! Out the door.
So excuse me if I can sympathize with your wife.
If it is not ok for women to have as many partners as men,and it is not ok for them to have abortions,Then it should ABSOLUTELY NOT BE OK for men to use women and think it's funny and cute and make games out of it.


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I think this is the problem the OP is having here. He brings up his concerns and you launch into your own issues and society in-general and how things should be. This is a here-and-now thing.

Yo, justme01....maybe you could lay this thing out with enough clarity to avoid these diversions? Personally, I'd like to hear suggestions. However, I'd like to hear them without the agendas attached. Maybe asking too much.


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I think the abortion part is irrelevant too.

But what bothers me is when coolmama said:
"Go to any college in America and I bet those girls have had more sexual partners than your wife."

So you think every woman pursuing a college degree is promiscuous?
15 partners IS a lot.... and many college girls are too busy with school/work/activities to be that sexually active. To assume all college girls (ages 18-22 to boot!) are is unfair and, dare I say, wrong...


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Shall we just open a separate thread where ALL personally-important issues can be brought forward to the near-total exclusion of consideration of the originating post? I think I'm bowing out of this one. The controversial nature of the topics on the table seem to be hitting everyone's personal/political hot-buttons.

Good luck, justme01. I think you're on your own.


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justme01 - again, how old are each of you???

You did answer the one question about how many partners you had. You had "less than 15".

If your wife is 20 years old, my opinion is that 15 partners is a lot. If your wife is 40 years old, my opinion is that that might not be a lot. If she's 50, well, you get my drift. But there's no official cutoff.

I sympathize with both you and your wife. It seems that the trust has been broken - that's the croux of the whole thing. If her disclosure of her history, and her apparent, according to your terms, original deception, is making you question her trustworthiness, then I'd say that's a huge problem, whether you're justified or not.

Trust is the basis of a good relationship. If you can't get over your feelings of betrayal (and I'm not saying you should or shouldn't), then I think you both need some counseling (if you want to save the marriage) or you really can't move on. I can't live with someone I don't trust. But ... trust (for me) could perhaps be regained, with help.

I really do feel for both of you.

Suzieque


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RE: Confused - help

"So you think every woman pursuing a college degree is promiscuous? "

These are your words,not mine. I dont think in 2007,that 15 partners is all that much. If you re-read what I said,I think this because I said,"The dating world is a jungle". I think alot of college age adults are into being "Players".
I had many college students living in my apartment building,so i know what goes on. I'm sorry if I tell you what you dont want to hear...but then,no one wants to hear about abortion either.

Anyways,I agree with asolo. The topic has gotten way off hand here.
Op should just get both himself and his wife in counseling and work this out.Instead of talking to us,he should be talking to her about it.It is the only to resolve his feelings.


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RE: Confused - help

I think the issue, here, is that the OP feels lied to.

I say his wife has not lied to him.

I say that you married this woman, you love her, warts and all.

She is a good person, isn't she ? Don't judge her on her past. Support her, love her, and move on. Look to the future and don't dwell on a past that does not concern you.

If you have strong feelings about these issues, then perhaps you should have voiced that before you got married.

Forgive and forget, thats what I say.

P


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RE: Confused - help

Does NO ONE value marriage anymore? When you pledge to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE together you must mean it. How can you marry someone and not share the important information with them? # of sex partners...none of his business. He does need to know about one so he can get tested if he wishes but it only takes one to give you an STD. The abortion is another matter entirely. It is now part of WHO you are. It is something you can never forget and will come up in your mind at odd times throughout life. A friend of ours was married for 18 years when his wife left him out of the blue. He insisted on counseling and during the course of the sessions he discovered that his father-in-law did NOT spend two years volunteering with the peace corps but instead spent two years in fed prison for cocaine dealing. This man had been a guest in his home on several occasions...he should have known that he had a drug addicted felon around his kids.

NEVER marry anyone unless you trust them with your life. ALL of it.


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RE: Confused - help

justme...I encourage you to do what is in your heart. If that be to talk or talk with a marriage counselor. You have every right to question ANYONE that is to be involved in your life. Obviously you were lied to and you were lied to because she knew you would not approve. I agree with you about how many partners someone has had, should matter. Due to the spread of aids now. That is your right, and to me when people say it is none of your business, then that is not valuing marriage the way it should be. EVERYTHING is a man or wife's business, or else in my eyes you do not have an honest marriage. The abortion thing, that is a touchy issue with many, and that again is your right to know. Only you know if you can get past the deceipt. You say there is more she has lied about, you need to dig deeper with her and get EVERYTHING out in the open. If she continues to decieve you, and you will find out, then to me that is not a true, loving marriage. Marriage is based on truth, nothing hurts worse than to be lied to. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having the morals you have, we all need morals in our lives.


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RE: Confused - help

justme01 ... I am sorry for contributing to the off-topic posts. I am also bowing out now....


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RE: Confused - help

Does anyone here think that it is possible a husband and wife are both going to be posting on the same forum about their problems??? Doesnt make much sense to me...why anyone would.

close 1972,in the shame thread claims to be justme01's wife. She says she cheated on him as well. Now,does anyone think I may be right about the troll thing???


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RE: Confused - help

no, she said that she *posted her story* on the justme01 thread.

See her post above where she addresses OP & says, "I hope you can forgive your wife and move on."

see?
your wife.
not me.

It was a little confusing though...


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RE: Confused - help

Thank you for the light sylvia texas. She didnt actually say she posted her story on justme thread,she said the short version was on this thread.
Sorry,it sounded to me like she meant he was her husband.
I need a break from this I think,LOL.
Good luck justme01.


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RE: Confused - help

Why do you insist that I'm a troll? I'm sorry that you have been mistreated but all men are not the same.


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justme01

I dont think you are a troll now. I was confused because you were mentioned in another post and it sounded like she said you were her husband. Also,it just seemed natural with the abortion law being passed that someone would troll about it to stir things up.Because if you go on ANY forum,it is ALWAYS a very heated discussion when it is brought up.

I was mistreated alot when I dated. I have been lucky to find a good husband now though. I know all men arent the same.
I apologize if I have seemed harsh to you. I still dont think your wife really "lied" though,but just with held information. I DO think in a loving relationship people should tell each other everything...I just also know it is easier than it sounds sometimes.


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RE: Confused - help

Update!

I appreciate all the good advice you people gave. After tearful talks and several sleepless nights we decided what we have is worth keeping. With two small children it helped make the decision easier. We have started attending church and decided to leave our fate in God's hands. 10 commandments of a good marriage is a good book I would recommend to anyone having problems. One thing that I have realized is I was holding my wife to a higher standard than myself....I guess that's what guys do. I'm no saint and if we compared I probably would have a more checkered past than my wife. We left our past at the foot of the cross and are now looking forward to the rest of our lives together.


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RE: Confused - help

Congratulations, and very best wishes!


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RE: Confused - help

I'm so happy to hear this. Hopefully, counseling will help you appreciate your very different backgrounds and former values and help you build a mutually fulfilling, nurturing future. Best wishes, and please hug your DW and kids for me.


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RE: Confused - help

OK, then! Religion is good for something!


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