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am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Posted by mothermayi (My Page) on
Tue, Apr 20, 10 at 15:29

Hi folks, I just joined today because i had questions about my DH being needy and clingy.
But from going over other forums i noticed info that i may be abusing him emotionally. case in point- he needs sex and cuddling daily. sex at nite, cuddling in am.He says he cant sleep without it. I like sex in the noontime, when my 3 yr old &16mo old are napping. (simutaniously? almost never)Plus he works 7-5 M-F, and wk ends are busy. Anyways, i am EXHAUSTED at nite, when my head hits the pillow, i pass out. no joke.Just thinking about doing ANYTHING after 9pm MAKES ME GRUMPY.I just want sleep so bad.Its the only thing im addicted too. Around 9pm, im so ready to hit the sack (to sleep). When we first met i was a single mom of a 10 yr old, i was 27, i had the "energy" every nite.Now, i dont. He tells me things like i "tricked" him into being with me cuz he thinks i hate sex. I dont, i just like it on the wkends when the kids arn't clammoring at the door/in the next room. So he has pinned the ever-pressing responsibility of babysitting on my now 13 yr old (who resents this intensly) which in turn created resentment in me. So i dont play into feeling amorous unless its appropriate. His friends have referred to me as a gameplayer. I think their immature-they dont have kids.He guilt trips me endlesly,every am if i dont wake up at 5 and snuggle him, or respond to his advances every nite.I do however initiate/folow thru anyways 2xs during the week but its difficult and emotionally draining for me when i im wishing he could just let me be, and not feel guilty that I dont Love him anymore as he likes to quote it.The guilt trips have gone from that to the sz of his um not being enough to even slamming my past ex's in comparison games that get quite crude about him not measuring up, blah blahh. So, I just read "one is being mentally/emotionally abused when partner withholds sex and affection".Am i withholding? am i an anaware abuser who is passivly aggressing????or am i just legitimatly sleepy? Maybe all this guilt tripping has made me subconsciensly un-in-love with the behavior and im trying to escape the rewarding system at nite to try and train him into understanding my body clock better? i dont know what to do anymore. Its been 4 years of this same fight, every other day for days at a time, untill I "give it up" He tells me i use the "power of the P----" How gross! He isn't known for his social grace and tact but that is offensive. Because i dont see myself that way. I just feel so wiped out at the end of the day and my giving reserves feel tapped out and I just want to be left alone for a few nites at a time or maybe just one, who knows if he actually tryed,but HE WONT LISTEN! i pulled the counseling cards years ago, he said ok..still havnt gone... ahhh! help! advice! please!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Oh my gosh. You've got to be kidding me!!! Every night and early the next morning to cuddle? With your life? First of all, there's no way I'd be interested in that frequency; where would the energy or even desire come from? Second, he doesn't sound attractive at all, and I'm not talking about his looks. Ick. In my opinion, don't for one second think that you're a DH abuser. That man sounds about as sexy and desirable as a sharp stick in the eye.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Yes, a bit much- i agree- other than that though we get along like p's and corrots. Famously, if only...Hes a sex crazed sailor- just like my dear ol dad, and grand dad, hmm, sencing pattern.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"....Its been 4 years of this same fight, every other day for days at a time..."

And yet within that time frame you've had two babies with him? Don't quite get that.

In any event, from your description, that counseling idea is about all you've got left. On behalf of your children, if not yourself, I'd get going with that right away. Since you're both unhappy, maybe a professional would be someone you and he could both listen to. Might lead to a breakthrough.....IF you're both interested in that.

Is the sex good on those occasions when you've been in the same place....or is the nature of it an additional issue? You didn't say anything about that. Don't see much sense to a resolution of the problem you described if you hate it with him anyway. May be an insurmountable issue. Different for everyone. Don't know where you're at with that.

IMHO you haven't described "abuse" in yourself, but you have in him. Constantly insulting one's spouse qualifies in my opinion. After four years you're both wallowing in habits that need to be broken. I encourage you to move on this before your children become twisted via being around the two of you.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

4 yrs of my way v/s your way. power struggle per say, rather than fight, should i do it just to keep him happy v/s im in the mood lets go.When i feel like it, 2-3xs a week, its super duper, reguardless of it all, and i think thats grrreat! i wish he did too is all. The nature of it is alot like vanilla ice cream unless i take over the rover,when i have the gumption, it is unfortunate,for our sex life. The kids and every other aspect is nice and cheery. No, dont hate it with him, just dont need the frequency or the B----y attitude when he dosnt get what he wants. Side note, this happens to be the same way all 4 of siblings act and both his parents. is this a terminal behavior problem or can it be remedied.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

OK, then. Sounds to me like maybe what you're describing is "mere" sexual inconsideration. Kind of like bad sexual manners. If you say its a family trait, I get it....although I have no idea how you would know that. Most people don't like bad manners. Bad manners always convey a message of selfishness and disrespect -- neither of which are very sexy. It also conveys ignorance -- which is also a turn-off to most folks.

Sexually satisfied husbands and wives are bedrock. Seems to me this can be worked out.........IF he's willing...IF he wants things to be better with you. Will involve owning his stuff (you, too, probably) and agreeing to behave differently. Counselors can, indeed, be very helpful in this kind of thing. If he's just a recalcitrant, careless grump I would have a different opinion but you haven't described him as being quite that bad. More like unreasonable, frustrated, and possessing stupid ways of expressing it. Actually sounds somewhat hopeful to me. Basically, it seems to me he needs to learn to be a better lover. Starts way before the bedroom. Men hate to see this in themselves but we all like to please our women, too, so that's another reason for optimism. It doesn't come from "duty". It comes from liking each other.

"The nature of it is alot like vanilla ice cream unless i take over the rover,when i have the gumption, it is unfortunate,for our sex life."

I don't know what you're trying to say here. Suspect it may be important or you wouldn't have written it.

I'm also concerned about this business of making the 13-year-old the baby-sitter other than occasionally -- especially since insisted upon by husband. Suspect she's got a enough emotional stuff on her plate without being regarded as an indentured servant by her step-dad. Certainly she should have chores and duties as a family-member, but I would be careful about this especially regarding her 1/2-siblings. Thinking there may be things going on with her that deserve consideration -- especially at her age. Many pitfalls along that road unless managed carefully and compassionately.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I know it is going to sound inappropriate but my grandmother told me that grandpa constantly wanted sex with her at least every other day up until he passed away from illness age 74. he was very athletic and in excellent physical shape looking about 15 years younger than his age, and he always wanted to do it. LOL she said the same thing, no matter how tired he was he wanted to do it LOL i guess some men are like that, seems crazy to me though. LOL


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Well, everyone's different. The sexual compatibility thing is a perennial issue here and among everyone I've ever known who was willing to talk about it. Some people have a lot of desire. Some people have none. Most are somewhere in between. Good to know about where your partner's at when considering spending a lifetime with them. If it's there, it's not going away. If it isn't there, it's not going to magically appear later.

From OP's description it seems to me there's actually considerable mutuality here except for timing and etiquette. I think those are likely solvable issues.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Can this post possibly be for real?

If so:

Daily demands & fights go waay beyond "sexual manners" (not that I think sexual manners are optional-
a partner who doesn't practice sexual manners is telling you that your enjoyment doesn't matter & that your opinion of him doesn't matter).

Someone who demands sex from an exhausted spouse,
who demands "cuddling" (oh for cryin' out loud!) at 5 AM,
& who says his friends call his spouse a "gameplayer" (& from whom do they get their "information"?) is manipulative & sadistic.

He wants you to do something you do not want to do,
something you are too exhausted to do,
& he ridicules you to his friends for not doing it.

I never have bought the "withholding sex because you're angry is baaad" argument.

If your spouse or partner is angry, the best thing to do is give her/him her/his space;
demanding sex & telling her that she's "withholding" "it" is insult, intimidation & bullying.

"Withholding" one's own body is not withholding something to which the other person is entitled.

Assuming the original post is for real, you're married to a demanding brat who's also a bully & a sadist.

I'm sorry.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Can this post possibly be for real?

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder about a lot of the initial posts lately in this forum. A lot of them have really bad spelling/grammar, and follow the same kind of format in how they are posted. Just seems odd.

Maybe people just can't spell anymore...


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser? Addendum

Also, I can't help noticing that all of the posts I'm thinking of are from people who just registered that day. Maybe they're people who signed up just to post here, but part of me is starting to wonder if someone is yanking our chain.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I am guilty of assuming people are just making up unreal stories. Often it turns out that those stories are true. Yes they all sound exactly alike like written by the same person. But saying that...bizarre stuff takes place in people's homes.

I once knew a lady whose husband did not allow her to be on the phone or leave the house when he was around, she had to be home and had to immediately hang up the phone no matter what is going on. Educated professionals and no, did not come from a different culture. If she would post here, we would think it is not real, right? It is. Just one example.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Is there such a thing as a time when you know your Hubby would absolutely not want to have sex?
If there is, I suggest you approach him at that time (no matter when it is) and ask him for it. Use as much foreplay on him as he generally uses on you. And if he 'withholds', start to pout, accuse him of not loving you, and basically -- do everyting he does to you right back to him.

Then, in the next day or two, in a calm time, discuss it with him. How he felt when you approached him at a time you knew wasn't good for him. (Conflicted, Aannoyed, Catch-22'ed?) How he felt when you then began to pout and apply the pressure tactics. (Resentful, Annoyed, Strong-armed?)

Then let him know that for you, on most weekdays, bedtime is one of those times.
You've got two little kids, and taking care of them all day is exhausting! (Has he ever taken a day off from work to take care of the kids all day? VERY worth trying if he hasn't done it before. Then see how much energy HE has left at the end of the day...)

Try to sit down and discuss it -- see if you can reach some compromise. There are also ways for you to 'meet his needs' that don't require much energy from you. A few of those during the week when you're exhausted, and some more energetic and responsive efforts on the weekends when you're able might help.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Hi, thank you all for your time and input on my problem here. I'm married... I'm also a gardener... I thought this forum was a nifty way to help me work through this ongoing issue i have. I am sorry for my spelling and grammer flaws too. Yea, maybe i am dumb for putting up with a sadistic selfish brat. Yes, I do feel that way to. I'ts way below my standards and the respect i have for myself and my kids. However, no matter what the underlying problem is, the reality is I have 3 kids, 2 that are his, babies, that need a solid home. I havn't got a career established, I have several degress and certifications for various fields, I have had my resume posted for over a year, I've answered every ad in my field and still can not find work. Moving out has not presented itself as an option for me as of yet.
lately it seems olot of people are all to eager to run away and hide when they discover things get too hard to manage with the skills and experience they have. I believe in growing and learning with another and taking challenges as an oppoutunity to better oneself and god willing, another. My DH's family is a head-case. The whole family. Both sides, show severe sadism, manipulation, bully-brat, behaviors and thats just the tip of the ice burg. Things I was unaware of untill 6mos into our relationship, engaged and preg.with our first. Not everyone in life lives in the "ideal world of harmony and fluid communication and optimum spiritual and emotional and mental health. I feel like I do as my own self and for my kids I can teach them this and hopefully my DH too..., but some families have suffered an emmence deal of suffering and trauma. My DH's fam is one of them.
I'm sorry if this has been to big of a dose of reality to some. I will get therapy for my self at least, to truly hear what is acceptable, what is not . I needed a forum to help me center and remember how I really feel based on who I am. Somtimes living with such dominating crisis junkies can make one feel nuts and forget their own values in order to kep the peace. I need the opinions and thoughts of others. The ones here so far have been insightful and thought provoking.
The thing I love about my DH aside from his selfish nature, is that he despises where he came from in terms of the abusive nature. He does want to change. He does recognise that his behaviors have been hardwired into him and will take alot of work to untangle befor he say he's emotionally healthy. Those who are are truly lucky and fortunate people who have alot to offer others who were not so fortunate. Anyways, yes this thread is true, sorry if it has affended anyone.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there are all kinds of lives out there. Different ones. I can't see how anyone would think a post such as this would be a hoax????? That is just confounding. Her claims are not far-fetched, just honest. Y'all perplex me.

That said, mothermayi, here's where leaving him is hard: "that he despises where he came from in terms of the abusive nature. He does want to change. He does recognise that his behaviors have been hardwired into him and will take alot of work to untangle befor he say he's emotionally healthy." All you want is him, but with a reasonable change, a change he wants, so why leave before the change has begun? Whether it can or not remains to be seen, but why not give him a chance. I can see that's what you're thinking. You're not abusive, you're a human being with feelings and needs. So is he. Just keep yourself and your kids safe and stand your ground when you know you're right. But make sure the boundaries are fair. That's all you can do. Talking it out here and with him help. Counselors have a better view of it and take you seriously. I hope you can talk with one. Take care!


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

OP has bad spelling & grammar & yet she has "several degrees & certificates".

On her first post, she says her husband is demanding, unreasonable, selfish, & he gossips to his friends about her inadequacies.

In her last post, he's aware of the effect of a bad upbringing & eager to change & overcome it.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

So how are those things mutually exclusive???? Why can't he be demanding, unreasonbale, selfish... and aware of his upbringing causing it (and incapable of rising above it/just not done it yet)?

And I'll say it again, don't post to their posts. Ignore them if you don't believe them. It serves nothing to finger point. I love what you have to Sylvia, I think you're profound. Often, the only voice of reason. And I respect you fully. So please take it with the heart it's given.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Thank you Rob333, You showed me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

sylviatexas- maybe you should post on some college essay threads and use your overly observant error detector skills there. You are not really helping here. Thank you though.
Seriously, your point? It's missing

I was not aware I was being judged on my typing here. I'ts typing. Not an English contest. Gosh. By the way, im typing here with a 16 mo old and a 3 yr old and a puppy all on top of me, talking to them, training them and trying to get some unsolicited advice at the same time. Whats it to ya if i use a little slang anyway. have a good day.


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RE: I confess! I dont spell well

sylvia- at first it seemed like you had some real solid points. you picked apart the good the bad and the ugly. I was understanding how valid your views were. Then you got mean. What gives. Do I really need to be critisized for spelling? Good for you, you can spell corretly every time and im sure your happily married too. Share the love why don't ya.Is it that surprising to you that I can graduate on the dean's list with a 4.0 and not spell well or that i cant achieve a happy marriage. which one are you having a problem wrapping your head around. Holy cow. I came on here for a litle friendly chat and i get attacked? nice


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Nature of the forums. Everybody says what they want. Let 'er buck.

Carry on, all.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

sweeby- you took the time to respond, i will try to reply.
No. There is no such thing as a time he does not want sex. He has a very high sex-drive. Mom-in-law told me "nymphomania" (no doubt spelled wrong) runs in their family.Is that even a politically correct term? The foreplay he uses takes me back to the "vanilla ice cream" comment. Which means he uses a very boring technique. usually applies said tech. for 30secs and thinks that should do the job. When he is told the "better" method by me, he acts out and gets sensitive. Strange because outside the bedroom he is strong, confident and well posed, highly intellegent- He owns and operates an aviation maintainance and restoration outfit and has done nothing else for 13 years. Everyone loves him, he knows GOBS of high society people and all of them respect him. At home he watches me ever so closly with the babies and imitates my methods as to be best effective with them. Its so cute. he helps me with the chores when he comes home. We love all the same things outside the house, share all intrests, and yet in the bedroom....duh nu, duh nu,sigh. He just gets so wounded when ever I try to talk about sex with him and what he should try "instead". Yes he's admitted that he desprately wants to please me, and it wouldnt be at all hard if he would just folow a few simple rules, its like he just cant get it down. Like trying to make a frog sing like a sparrow. Any whoo, thanx for writing.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

As I said, this post is incredible.

incredible.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Got it, sylvia. Give it a rest.

FWIW, I've got two close Dr. friends, one an ophthalmologist, the other an endoscopic surgeon, both at the top of their field with national reputations, both of whom spell and write at about sixth grade level. However, I do prefer to understand what I'm reading. Decent sentence and paragraph structure are helpful even in otherwise "who cares" internet blurbs.

Um...the word your MIL is looking for is "satyriasis".....the male version.

From OP's last post, sounds like very typical, very solvable problem. Everybody -- men and women both -- thinks they're sexually competent. Big ego-thing both ways...although typically more so with men. More important is learning what works with your partner...which involves actual interest, willingness, receptiveness, and observation. I don't know why so many people take instant offense at that concept but that's where it's at. Again, I say counselors can be wonderful for this kind of thing....IF people are willing to listen and accept and learn. It is, in fact, learned behavior. Obviously the desire is there. Seems to me a little tweaking is all that's required.


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Additional thought......

If it would be that your "styles" must remain mutually exclusive (although I don't believe it) there are still turn-taking alternatives. Doesn't have to be "just so" every time.

For example, I know there are some things my SO likes that I don't particularly care for...they're boring and take too long. However, with some frequency I mentally designate particular nights as "her" nights and do all those things anyway. Yes, I do pretend to enjoy them even though I don't, really, but I'm getting better at it.

Other nights, apparently, are "everything for me" nights. We've never discussed it but clearly there's reciprocation going on. We both learned how the other "likes it" and we make sure those desires/fantasies get appropriate fulfillment.

Other nights it's same ol'/same ol' but still mutually satisfying.

And some nights everything's just not much good. It ebbs and flows...but mostly flows. In the meantime, we both always know we like each other. Sounds to me like you have that going, too, which is why I'm optimistic about the rest.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

asolo- would you recomend a sex therapist or a marriage counseler, both?

sylvia- why in the world is this so incredible to you?
if you cant be open minded, why the h--- are you even poking your nose around people's business you clearly know nothing about.Like i said befor, go find a beneficial forum for yourself.Your sooo smart, im sure you've heard the saying, "if you cant say somthing nice...." YOU are incredible


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Not sufficiently educated about it to say for sure but I suspect sex therapist would be overkill. You haven't described dysfunction, only behavioral anomalies...which are typically easily modified....assuming willingness of the parties. Seems to me that would be marriage-counseling territory. If I'm wrong, that person would set you straight right away anyway.

From your posts, I just can't see this as huge, insoluble problem....unless he's much more bullheaded than you've described....or unless you are....but I'm not seeing that from what you've written so far.

Men and women both can really be "sexual babies" if they let their egos dominate. You've described so much other mutuality and attraction I am compelled to believe this issue can be turned into history. In time to come, you may even laugh about it.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

If you don't want to risk having people question you or your story, or if you don't want to hear opinions that tell you something other than what you want to hear, internet forums are perhaps not the place for you to air your paradoxical story.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I don't suggest you leave him because it seems that your issue could be resolved. But i think people need to be prepared to leave if they have to, but that i mean you got to have some back up plans.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Sylvia, Mothermayi seems perfectly willing to hear people's opinions whether it's what she wants to hear or not. You, on the other hand, are calling her a liar,a troll, and uneducated with what you're saying. You have the option of not reading her posts or the responses. As said above, give it a rest. How perfectly perfect you and your life must be.

Now - back to the important person here, mothermayi. I totally understand when you say that your husband is aware of his background and wants to change but that he still does what he does. It's admirable that he acknowledges at least some of what we're considering his bad behavior. I hate to throw around the oft-recommended therapy thing, but I do think that, if he indeed wants to work on himself, that would help.

I, myself, wouldn't be able to go on with what you described. If my husband were as great as yours says otherwise, and was willing to work on it, then I would. Otherwise, after trying, trying, trying, I'd be gone. Of course I also understand that that is easier said than done. Best wishes to you.

Suzieque


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

sylvia-
you mean paradoxical to your own assumably perfect life? Why do you have to doubt the authenticity of someones story if it dosnt ammount to your perspectives. I'd say your a narrow minded person.I appreciated ALL opinions on the forum. I dont appreciate your ridicule. This is a tough situation im in involving alot of lives, discretion is only polite. Now how about those manners? I believe you spoke earlier of your convictions on manners, and yet you lack them yourself. Pity. Sorry to cloud up your cotton candy life but mine is not the only story on these pages that seems "odd" or unbelievable or whatever you think about what happens outside your sheltered cushy existance in the place called the world.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

From reading your posts it sounds like you've got some positives. Your DH is a good provider, a great father, helps you around the house, and you share many common interests. You say he is aware of his abusive upbringing and is willing to change. Maybe he's afraid of counseling. Have you told him that you will find a counselor, be willing to accompany him if needed and most importantly support him through the process? Some people need hand holding no matter the age or gender. You both want change, but it sounds like no one is willing to step forward.

Good luck!


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Thank you all for the constructive posts.

Yes counseling has been on the back burner for a while. TOOOO long. We are currently waiting for his business to finalize the medical insurance ben. pkg. and then I will be finding a decent and thorough therapist. i'm scared too, that They might just say what Im afraid of hearing and thats that he's all messed up and leaving is the best thing. I dont want that because 1. I can not be without my babies, even for a day, and 2. I dont think he could handle that responsibility without handing them off to his crazy family. I have to stay. At least for a few more years. If he can change? Wonderful. Life will be darn near perfect.

Im tempted to just quit trying, let him permeate and percolate with negativity and see just how far he'll actually take this. Will he leave? will he blow up? Find someone else? Should I call his bluff? Should I let fate run its course and relinquish control? I feel like it. Just to see what would happen when I truly give up. But the babies keep me strong. Yup, were going to do counseling. Thanxs again for all your incouragement.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"I know there are some things my SO likes that I don't particularly care for...they're boring and take too long. "

Asolo, I cracked up when I read this... and you've got my curiosity piqued. You don't need to share...but what could possibly be boring and take too long? How long is too long? LOL. My imagination is working overtime.

I find it interesting how often new posters are called trolls. And called liars because their second posting has more information than the first. I know from personal experience how hard it is to convey the intricacies of my personal life/beliefs/people in my life/attitudes on this board.

My DH is also very smart, college educated, professional. Can't type a lick, can't spell for shite. Always asking me things like, do you spell always allways? He can't even reliably spell the name of the road he grew up on. LOL. It is hard to spell, but shocked me when I realized it the first time. Some people are like that...

Ok, to the OP. Sounds like you are having a communication problem. Not a sex problem. Find a quiet time (lol) and tell him in a non-judgmental way what you'd like from him and ask what he'd like from you.

The "power of the ___" remark... well... men... ahem. Ok. When my DH says something I think is rude or crude or not appreciated I just tell him. Gently. I've realized that a lot of times people, myself included, will say something and not realize how others are taking it. Once again, communication. Non-threatening, loving.

I think Asolo's on the mark on this one. Good luck!!!


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Sorry, silversword, that's all you get. Intended to be illustrative without being descriptive. Imagination's good. Let that roll a bit.

Mothermayi....you haven't described "messed up", IMHO. You've described a man with lingering bad habits -- that he knows about -- from a family that taught him bad habits -- which he also knows about. Seems to me you've described someone who wants to be a better person but doesn't know quite how to go about it. And he's smart and considerate in many other ways so he's not a total monster. I remain very hopeful.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Wow, now this is nice. Forward motion- I like it.

I've never been referred to as a troll in all my life. I guess there is a first for everything. The closest I've ever come to a troll was yesterday actually, when I went to petcock there was this little dog that had the cutest troll face ever and I went to say hi and he acted like he was going to lick my nose and then he tried to rip my face off! Just a threat, didnt actually bite but definitely made my heart pump! You never know how some things will respond until you try is what I took from that.

This has been very helpful over the last few days, keeping things in perspective for me. I tired out my friends and family with all this. His family suffers enough. I hate to see the sadness in my friends eyes if I talk about it, I just don't say anything. I spoke up once to some good friends of ours and she was floored. I watched her age with exhaustion as she was listening. I felt horrible. She thought we seemed so perfect.
We went for a special outing last nite for some "us" time that I suggested and it was so nice. He was soft, romantic, sweet and thoughtful and I was definitely in love with us. He helped with bath time, and then at story time he just vanished and ditched me with the kids and went to BED! The one place he knew I wanted to be more than anything and he just goes there! It was like a big HA! HA! Look what you cant do and I am! I was feeling amorous up till then and he shot himself in the toe. Actually, he blew off his whole foot- which he's so proficient at anyhow. UHGGG....I asked him if he really thought that would better his situation to which he replied, "treat others how you wish to be treated",???? So now he's trying to make a profound point? He's emotionally infantile. Yet so smart. He said that if he doesnt pay any attention to me and ditches me with the nite duties then Ill understand how he feels when I dont love on him at nite. He says he doesnt understand why I'm so wiped out. He thinks it's REALLY because Im not attracted to him. He asked me if I thought he was repulsive. I told him, of course not, but when you act like this it's a turn-off. And the negativity is repulsive. Like 2 magnets, and one is flipped around reversing the polar magnitude creating them to repel. He got quiet, he apologized, and he went to sleep! This a.m. I cuddled him for an hour, in & out of sleep, wasn't enough because he jumped out remarking something about rubbing one ---.... OK. I may have a problem because I cant get in the mood so early and without any coffee!? I tended babies, and coffee and made his lunch as usual... He emerged from the room A NEW MAN! He was gleeful and cheery! OMG- WHY!

I spoke with womens health DR. about this. She gave me testosterone cream. For me. Said it will make me more on his level of need. I just havent been able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I sincerely apologize for any TMI here. I really need to get this off my chest and cant afford therapy just yet. We already have to many medical bills. Thanx again everyone.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Due respect that Dr., you haven't described a medical problem. Nor have you described sexual dysfunction, which can fall into that category.

You've described behavioral issues....and not particularly complicated ones as far as I can see. Lots of folks get out-of-synch once the kids come. Common as nails.

Am I missing something?


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"I was feeling amorous up till then and he shot himself in the toe. Actually, he blew off his whole foot- which he's so proficient at anyhow. UHGGG....I asked him if he really thought that would better his situation to which he replied, "treat others how you wish to be treated",???? "

Ok. IMO asking "do you really think acting like that will get you some" is feeding the fire. Try making it an "I" statement. "Honey, when I get finished with all of the mommy bedtime duties I often am too tired to be in the mood. Do you think you can help me out and then we'll have more adult time together tonight?" Otherwise you're in a vicious cycle.

I heard something at some point in time, sometimes you just gotta fake it. Yep. That means, tired, not in the mood? Fake it. It doesn't take that long, it's exercise, and it improves your relationship. Unless some sort of forced thing is going on (you REALLY don't want it)...

Believe me, I'm not always in the mood. But I'm more often than not happier after I force myself to get in the mood and be intimate with my love. And he's happier.

Start giving him some, even if you're tired. Stop the "you did it to me so I'm gonna do it back so you see how it feels" routine (unless it's something mutually beneficial, like a neck massage!!) and then start talking to him when he's not feeling neglected about how you want to be treated and how you want to be happier and healthier as a couple and it's something you want to work on together cause you love him and you love your life.

My friend said yesterday to make today a good day. Find one person in your life, and try to make their day better. A checker at the grocery store, a person on the street... whatever. I had a situation yesterday where I could have been entitled to be very grouchy at the receptionist at my Dr. office. She canceled on me and I didn't get the message because their system was messed up. I was put out and it was their fault, she admitted it, she was sorry. And instead I just tried to make her feel better about it. And by the end of the interaction we were both laughing, and I felt a lot better too.

You can turn this around. I still don't think it's the sex :) And if it is, thank GOD because that's something, if you're willing to work on it, (wink wink) can be fixed.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

It sounds like you are both playing games with one another, with the latest being "don't get mad, get even." Nothing will change unless one of you breaks the cycle.

I agree, I don't think this is truly about sex, but rather poor communication. Sex just happens to be the bargaining tool at the moment.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I will definately affirm the communication is poor between us. Always light topics like work, the kids, the dog. It gets so boring. I like to talk more about metaphysical things, stone powers, art, analyzing behavior, even politics, weird stuff like that... Hes so right brain, I'm so left. It does make it harder to fess up my emotional needs when he acts like I speak another language.When he's with his bro's they can chat for hours, I get envious, wondering what that is like with him. Befor the kids we would stay up everynite never running out of things to say. Now I just walk on eggshells.

The proudfull power struggle- silversword- you are so right. I shouldve been more direct in owning my feelings. I was just hurt that he made such an immature gesture to hurt me.He wanted to and it worked. I hate the deliberate attacks and the GAMES, I'm not sure I want to back down and smooch his wounded ego when he acts like that. I think its stupid. I want him to act more like a grown man. A man that is confident and mature is the sexiest thing I can think of. Everything would fall into place. Thats why im worried. Will he mature? quickly?


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"I want him to act more like a grown man. A man that is confident and mature is the sexiest thing I can think of. Everything would fall into place. Thats why im worried. Will he mature? quickly?"

What do you suppose his version of a statement like that would be regarding you?

Assuming you both want things to be different in this department, I think you're both able. However, be advised if you want to turn him into your vision of what a "man" should be.....well, I've completely missed the boat and you can disregard everything I've written above.

You've known him for a long time. You know what's in there. Until now you've described what I regard as easily modified behavioral anomalies. Basically small changes that he's already expressed an interest in making. However, from what you've just written, I'm thinking the man you just described might find himself confronted with an even more combative wife. I think you'd better be taking a real close look at yourself in this deal, too. Seems to me you'd like him take the lead....except that you want the lead, too.

I think I've missed a few things -- maybe all of it. I'm seeing two domineering egos in conflict, now.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

All I'm saying is its not manly to me when he constantly whines about sex. The frequency,the availability, him saying i'm repulsed by him. it's not desirable. It has gone far beyond old and im frankly just hanging by a silk thread at my wits end.It would be confidence inspiring if he was just cool and mellow and conciderate to me when I need space to just go to sleep at nite without browbeating me and guilt tripping me.These things I do communicate to him but he disreguards it. I just want him to be confident in himself. He's not and it shows behind the bedroom door, in all ways. And I feel hopeless about being able to do anything about it that i havnt already done. He is a supurb man, dont mis- read anything here. He just lacks feeling passionate about who he is sexually. Things that I hope a therapist can help him with. How can you feel sexy about yourself? I would say, if I eat well and exersice, and do things i feel good about. ask him he'll say, if my wife had more sex with me. More than 2-3xs a week mind you. And its not like i starfish it or fake it either. I wait till im good and passionate and then, well, nuff said. The only way he feels good about himself is if I smother him in constant love- problem, I dont have enough energy to go around. If cuddling on the couch to a movie was good enough I'd love that, but it isnt. It always has to be about sex.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

How close to the leaving-point do you think you are right now?

Dwell on that a bit. You've described quite a few years of tolerance already. Where are you at? By which I'm hoping to get a feel for how big the problem is.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"She gave me testosterone cream. For me. Said it will make me more on his level of need. I just havent been able to bring myself to do it."

You just haven't been able to bring yourself to use it --
VERY telling. To me, that says you are angry at him and resentful of the 'baby-duty dump' he does on you each night, and that you are sexually withholding. (Note - I'm NOT judging you for this. I'd feel the same way, and suspect most exhausted women would.)

Try making it an "I" statement. "Honey, when I get finished with all of the mommy bedtime duties I often am too tired to be in the mood. Do you think you can help me out and then we'll have more adult time together tonight?"

Excellent advice. I'd find six different ways to say this - ALL of them positive. All carrot and no stick. Maybe "Honey, could you put the kids to bed while I 'get ready'?" with a suggestive look that tells him what 'getting ready' might be... Then praise the heck out of him for taking over kid-duty.

Or go to him with a problem you want his help to solve... The problem is you want to have more passionate nights with him, but you find yourself too tired at the end of the evening to have the energy you want. Can he think of any ways to help you be less tired at night? Maybe a way to help you recharge your batteries so you'll have the energy for him? This is such a common problem that the answer is well-known. (Hubby pitches in with evening child care.) But if he can think it's his idea, then he gets an ego boost from that, plus the rewards of a less-tired wife. (And it might tire him out too!)

There's a thread on here about 'How he asks for it' that is worth looking for. Your husband's 'whine and pout' strategy is, unfortunately, a classic... There may be something useful in that thread.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Glad to hear that counseling is on the horizon. Meanwhile, I suggest this compromise (and what is marriage if not a compromise?)

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are "his" days. You agree to give him the sex he wants, no negotiating. He can bank on it and you will do it with as good a heart as you can muster up.

Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are "your" days. You can do it or opt out, your choice. He has to accept either choice with as good a heart as he can muster. Saturday is your date day. This can be either a traditional date like dinner and a show or even yard sale-ing and lunch. Just spend at least a few hours together. This is an optional sex day, depending on how the date goes. (That adds a little mystery.)

I have personally road-tested this and it works pretty well.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Whoa, Scarlett2001!....except I agree. As nearly as I can determine from OP, this is a fly that deserves swatting.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Sorry, Asolo, I'm not quite tracking what you said re the fly and swatting? Can you please clarify?


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Referring to the the sexual out-of-synch problem OP is complaining of. It is an annoying problem that should be attacked and solved....."a fly that deserves swatting".....like an annoying insect that is spoiling an otherwise satisfying meal together. Should be gotten rid of.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Oh, now I see. I thought you meant the husband was the fly.

I think that when they get into counseling they can clean up the real problems that are affecting their sex life and things will even out. Meanwhile this system eliminates the daily sex fight that leaves one person always angry and resentful. It's a stop gap measure, but helps until they get stuff resolved.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Well, I dwelled. I did some serious soul searching and worked myself almost out the door. However after some careful consideration I believe I owe it to us to try. Some more. I will try scarlets schedule method. I have tried something similar to that. Weekends were a surefire for him, but he had to wait for the kids to nap, and he most always got too ticked off and developed an unappealing attitude that would just shut me down.Im really trying here as it is, and I have recently sought the intervention of his family. His little sister and he have a very tight closeness and the ability to talk so I have told her how close to the breaking point I truly am. All in the family dont blame me for feeling so frustrated but are desperate to make it work. His mom is a devout catholic who insists the only way we will succeed is if we go to church and confession and um, stuff like that. He's baptized catholic and I am not. I wont go; he doesnt want to go either. After this last weekend things are better, I can see he is trying very hard to be nice. His sister took our kids for us on Sunday and we took a nap and then after that we had the best time together... Then we went out to dinner. It was perfect. But I know well by now that one perfect day is followed by 2, 5, 10 really hard days. And its sucking my will to live. Frankly, Im too tired for all of the games. I need a team player, not a game player. I need help with my life, not another adult acting like a child all the time. Hes also a functioning alcoholic. I didnt mention that before but to those who know will know a lot more now. I went through this with my mother growing up and now Im doing it all over again. Ive gone to alanon, alateen, AA, 12 steps, group therapy, anger management. I've been to 5 parenting class courses. Like I said, I was a single mom for 10 years, and I had some time on my hands to make myself a better person. So how could I attract someone who needs all this help him self but its too much work for me. It really is. Its too much work. I cant carry this load on my own anymore. He needs a swift kick in the ... to get going into self improvement but has been dragging his feet hoping I'll just keep being my gentile forgiving self. But my heart, my mom, my sister, by best friend and even his biz partner's wife all are telling me the only thing left to do is leave... And I cant face the truth of hurting him and separating our kids from their parents. I just cant justify the hurt that leaving will cause to my own hurt by staying and constantly being in a state of nervous tension and hopeful wishing and praying that this will get better- That he will change his behavior without going off the deep end. This has all been so draining and trying on me, I feel as if Ive aged 30 years in the last 4. I feel like I dont want to try anymore for our love, I feel like its gone away. I have to try for the kids, and maybe in the process our love will renew, but I know myself-I know what happens to me when Ive reached the enough is enough point. Some people disregard verbal and emotional abuse. Some people think Im a week wimp for not being able to endure it, for letting it get to me.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"Hes also a functioning alcoholic."

Well, thanks for that tidbit. Did you think it was unrelated and therefore not worth mentioning?

"... I can see he is trying very hard to be nice."

"I know well by now that one perfect day is followed by 2, 5, 10 really hard days."

Actually, that's pretty typical of how alcoholics "function"....how they get people to stay with them and around them. They're typically pretty nice...except when they're not. They lose perspective but they continue to act anyway. No one around them can depend on normal stability or actions or what "mood" they may be in at the moment. Having been to all those classes, you should know this by now.

My opinion's changed. Heaping that onto everything else there's a whole different picture for me. Unless you have some reasonable hope of his acknowledging a required change and turning himself around, I would advise making plans.

You previously described some acknowledgement on his part. After all this time gone by, I think its past time for an ultimatum.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

So there's an elephant in the room.

Reminds me of the lady who goes to her doctor complaining of a little pain in her finger, then she says her chest hurts a bit, then she has some bruises and a contusion. Finally admits she was run over by a bus.

Mothermayi, are you also an alcoholic? Or a codependent? If not, why are you with him? That seems like the central question to me. What are you getting out of this relationship?


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Yes I do know having had all those classes that I'm up against a disease. I'm not a therapist, but I'd say more than one. I know that alcoholism is related as it is the fall back solution to his conditions. The behaviors are the problem, the drinking is the cruch, the vice to numb his perception of reality. The reality is that he struggles with anger. The anger is about his upbringing. The anger is directed at anyone who tries to "change" him.

The ultimatum? Yes, the big dilema. making plans? Yes, in the works. is there a way to do this harmoniously?... He DOES NOT see his drinking as the problem because its when he drinks that he's nice. Mornings? Sober? Irritable and moody. Until he has sex. Then he's nice again. Only five times in 4 years did sex not make him nice again.

He only drinks beer. We have learned that hard alcohol makes him focus on homo sexuals. Now were getting past the tip of the iceburg. Now I dont want to see any farther. I do have a speck of reasonable hope. he loves his kids. He loves me. He loves his life. He's battling anger. His entire family battles anger. On a very large scale.It's not as easy as puting all the blame onto the alcohol. When he quit for 2 weeks just a few months ago, he was super cool. And then the 13 yr old made a mistake. And he went right back into the routine. it's not healthy. He's not ok. There are angry demons lurking beneath here. I can't say leaving as as ultimatum will go over easy. He is extremely emotionally unstable. The whole family his. All 4 of his siblings, his parents, all 7 of the grandchildren. They all have the inability tp process emotions. But the parents and his siblings are by far the worst. I've never ever seen so much fighting and anger in my life. And I thought I had seen it all before. These family secrets are only now starting to leak out. There was terrible neglect as they were growing up- alllowed to live like barn animals, only with free will. This is the saddest and most disturbing thing I can think of. And its been kept a secret. They all try to move forward and carry on like normal people. But they cant move foraward because they are all so angry.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

After all these years; with the whole family having the same characteristics; with the never-ending anger and instability; with expressions of need for help/change (which I suspect were ploys) but no action.....what hope do you have for meaningful change at this point?

Angry, unstable alcoholics with family reinforcement can be real time-bombs. You've already amply described a sputtering fuse. You've sequentially piled on so much in addition to your original post, I'm practically lost in the mire. I'm getting the impression that you are, too.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I am lost in the mire.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

what the heck??? when he drinks hard alcohol he focuses on homosexuals? in what sense? he wants homosexual sex or he wants to talk about gay people? what are you talking about?


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

In four years you've had two kids. You've discovered your husband is an alcoholic with an abusive family and a "focus" on homosexuality. His mother is a devout Catholic to whom you have turned for help although she raised him like a barnyard animal, and you've turned to his sister for help even though she is extremely unstable.

My mind is reeling...


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

my mind is reeling too. Yea, so as you might imagine it didnt get me far.

Homosexuality- first time: Went to neighbors to start a fight with a guy he didnt know. Did this by opening his front door, helping himself into said guys house and called him all slang HS words to get guy mad.?????

second time- gave my best guy friend a massage and talked sweetly to him while rubbing his forearm for 20mins....???

third time- shared 3 bottles of whine and 3 shots with older rich gay man and ditched me at funeral for his boss and went gay mans hotel room and when i found him 2 hrs later was in his skivies and was getting prepared to go to sleep in gay mans room, all the while never thinking about where his wife might be.

Things have gone badly people. This I know. How to make it stop? How to keep the children safe and with me always? How to tell someone you love that their too hard to love?
Things I dont know.

Anyways, all your insight has been helpful. I realize up to this point how difficult it is to comprehend. Trust me, I do. And why i could'nt just come right out with it all- Theres alot. These are things that happen and I've been trained to overlook it all. I'v fallen into the grip of turning a blind eye to the bad instead of doing somthing about it. I believe i am doing somthing about it by staying- encouraging my DH to be a better person, teaching by example whats appropriate, bounderies, that stuff.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

I'm sorry, but each new post gets more bizarre. I'm finding it difficult to believe any of it at this point.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

first you just complained that he wants too much sex and now he is a drunk psycho, he rubbed guy's arm for 20 minutes and that guy said nothing? then he undresses and attempts to cheat on you with a rich guy at a funeral? what is it? a joke? either your DH is on drugs and mentally ill or you have too much free time and make it all up.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Jesus wept. If this is all true, do you think your husband is a good example to your children of how a "good" man should behave? This is the model they will be basing themselves on if boys or looking for in a husband if girls. Presumably (and I hope) they are not privy to the more sordid aspects of his personality, but they do see the clinginess and anger. You owe it to them as well as yourself to get them out into a healthier atmosphere.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Yo, finedreams. What are you talking about?

Regardless, I'm lost. I'm done. Have a good life, y'all.

PS: Get your children the hell out of there.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

No it won't get better, not for the long haul anyway.
Too much bizarre to digest, but alcoholism is enough to get out and start over, the focus will always be on him....


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

Yo finedreams. Please disregard my previous post. Don't know what's going on with my ISP but OP's last post didn't appear until a couple of minutes ago...long after your response to it did. Weird....and embarrassing.

Yo, mothermayi. Having now received and read your last response, must say I am astonished. Reiterating my last: I'm done.

Except for a PS on behalf of your children: get them out of there...PLEASE. After that, you can dither all you want.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

No this is not a joke. Yes, Jesus wept and Im reminded of that daily. No I dont think reckless and irresponsible alcoholism is a good example to raise children with. Look at him, look at me, we were raised by alcoholics. Im trying to ascertain if all of this is in my head or if I make mountains out of mole hills? He didnt actually cheat with a gay man-- He said he felt like he was drugged, he was there to promote his business and had to be on his best behavior, and then he drank vodka. He said he didnt remember a thing and couldnt wrap his head around why he would forget about Me.? Yes, that was real bad and he swore off alcohol for 2/3 weeks. The massage on my friend? I intervened and took friend home, he said he thought he was just an affectionate guy, I dont know, it seemed closet gay to me but I dont know any gay people and I have no idea about that.

What I do know is he was abused as a child, sexually and physically and emotionally and so on. I think this is the underlying cause of it all. I grew up with it as it occurred to my mother, grandmother, aunt, brother. None of it is unbelievable anymore, just sad and sick and scary. I watched my mother pull it together to be an awesome provider, but she kept all the pain inside and released it with alcohol at nite after we went to bed. Still harmful, even to this day when she likes to drunk call her fiends and family. It surrounds me. I've done everything but slip away to the other side of the world.
Look people, Im biding my time here. Im gaining insight, strength, and weighing tolerance against recourse. What Im saying is, I need back up, and I need to know Im not crazy, I need to know that when the other boot hits the floor as im sure it will, can I load the kids up discretely and go to my moms? Call the cops? How do I run away and where and do I present the ultimatum at that point? Do I give him another chance? Its so firkin hard because his other side, the functioning side, when hes happy, is so pleasant and wonderful and lovable. So funny and sweet and charming. The two sides of him are like Jeckle and Hyde. The kids adore him, especially our daughter. She deserves a dad, they both do. A Dad who tries. Will he succeed? Yes I do think he can. Im waiting it out, for the insurance to seek out a marriage counselor, and a therapist Im sure will be referred. Thats an important step in all this. If not to just prove that a great deal of effort was applied. Anyhow, thanks all for the support.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

you are describing sick behavior, not gay behavior, LOL I know a lot of gays. Normal gay people do not randomly talk sweetly and give massages to heterosexuals or go to people's rooms and take their clothes off or get drunk at funerals. Not normal.

Nobody says your kids should not see their father, of course he could still see them if he acts appropriately, but he sounds too sick and crazy to enjoy life with him.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"Now we're getting past the tip of the iceberg. Now I don't want to see any farther."

You're squeezing your eyes tightly shut against the even uglier thoughts that you haven't admitted to yourself...
Surely it's occurred to you that your husband might have homosexual urges? That maybe he's in denial due to his Catholic upbringing and messed up family, and that he's quite possibly not even admitting it to himself. That drinking hard alcohol loosens his inhibitions to the point where he might (might have) act on them? (For goodness sake - What else was he doing in his underwear with the rich gay guy in the hotel room?!) Could it be he ALWAYS wants sex with you because the sexual itch he really has is not getting satisfied?

And yet you worry that you're making mountains out of molehills.
Sorry -- But you're trying to convince yourself that the mountains you sometimes can't avoid seeing might actually be molehills. No dice.

"What I do know is he was abused as a child, sexually and physically and emotionally and so on. I think this is the underlying cause of it all."

Probably is. Which makes your husband a 'broken person'. I get that there are reasons for his problems. There are always reasons. But the problems are still there, still real, still serious, and still not fixed. Staying in a marriage because you feel sorry for him -- for his broken childhood... I'm sorry, but that does make you uh, OK - not crazy, but misguided certainly. You can't fix him! He's not fixing himself. So he will remain broken, and as long as that's what your children see, then that's what they will grow to expect in their own lives.

Don't wait for the other boot to hit the floor. You know it will - someday. And if the boot is decisive enough to make you leave, then it will do some damage to the people you love -- permanent damage. The only reason to wait for the other boot is to make leaving easier. So you can leave in a fit of anger. (But then you'll realize you left in a fit of anger and second-guess your decision for that reason.)


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

sweeby and finedreams,
you are both very correct in your analysis, as I feel this way too. I just cant help but to question if im over analytical or paranoid. Basically i feel like i dont have enough hard evidence and im building a case. If and when I should ever be up against the courts I need a solid case or my babies will taken from me. Im afraid of the family, as they have all threatened me in some fasion. Being that MIL's brother is a lawyer, a VERY crafty lawyer, I have been told if I try to leave I will lose. The family itself sits on prestige in the county as FIL is a big time respected DR.that knows EVERYONE in the county. I've been up in the courts befor when my first was a baby. It was the scariest thing I ever had to do. I was slaughtered for being an unfit mom because the father took pictures of my house with dirty dishes in the living room, late bills on the table. It was so hard to be up like that taking unfair and unjust insults. I know that if it ever came to it, that family is so scary crafty, I too gentle and softspoken, I will crumble.Thats my only fear. I have nothing.

I know he's a broken person who is not very good at respecting bounderies. He dosnt really know how. I've been seeking to offer that guidance to him. Just last nite, we actually talked for a few hours. I told him " I feel like you dont see me for me, that all you see is what you want and all you see is what your not getting". It silenced him for 2 minutes and then he said point well taken, I guess its just a problem of view points. then he said, "Im sorry im so attracted to your spirit, your body, your mind, your like a bowl of cookie dough icecream that i cant stop eating". (thats our favorite ice cream). For the first timein SO long we had a conversation exchange. Minute I know. Like one shooting star in an entire galaxy. But it was progress none the less. It was opened the path way for therapy. I can gently nudge him into it.He needs it reguardless to be a better father , to be strong and confident wihout me around all the time to offer example. If i can see him into therapy, thats my only desire.


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RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

"Basically i feel like i dont have enough hard evidence and im building a case."

You know, sadly I can relate to this statement, for some reason it rang a bell for me. But, I realize now I could build my case forever, but it doesn't change anything. I don't need anymore evidence-the evidence is our consistent unhappiness. He won't change if he doesn't want too. No one will.

No advise as I am not in a poistion to offer it except to remove your kids from this situation.

~Cat


 o
RE: am i guilty of being a dh abuser?

not enough evidence? you don't need much evidence to get divorce nowadays. where are you? in my state you just have to say you don't want to be married anymore. who would take kids away from you? you might end up sharing custody. if he drinks you could get witnesses of his drunken behavior.


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