Lonely Marriage

10 years ago

Just joined and my 1st post. I am so desperate to have feedback on my situation. I have no one to talk to about it. I am in a 10yr marriage to my 2nd husband. Dating was awesome, lots of outings, lots of affection and sex. We were both older, I was 35 and he was 43. He had never been married and I was married for 11 years. I have 2 older children and we have one together. Our son was born in May, 2004. The past several years have been so lonely for me. His affection toward me dwindled year by year. We constantly argued about my two older children. We have different views on raising and discipline. Found out little over a year ago he had an "emotional affair" with someone in town. He said she broke it off, because she didn't want to be the other woman and he said it's over. I believe it is, however,he never seemed remorseful enough to me. Always, like I shouldn't be surprised that he did because of the shape of our marriage, which by the way, he blames me 100% for, he has said numerous times. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I need him to "date" me and "be in love with me" but I don't think he can. He harbors so much anger and resentment for me. We are in marriage counseling, but he seems unwilling to do what the counselor says we need to do. My biggest question is this.....Am I WRONG to feel like he needs to be the one to initiate intimacy and affection because of his affair? I am the one with all this insecurity about how he truly feels about me now. He basically told this other woman he loved her and wanted to be with her and was always hers if she wanted him. I just want something from him to know he is sincere when he says he wants to work it out with me and not just saying that cause she broke it off with him. Any and all responses are greatly appreciated. Sorry it's so long.

Comments (6)

colleenoz
10 years ago
So, let me get this straight in my head. HE is angry and resentful towards YOU because HE had an affair? In what universe does that make sense?
You say you are in marriage counselling,but he is unwilling to make any changes? So how does that bolster his case for "wanting to work it out with you"? Oh, wait, it doesn't.
How can you possibly be "100% responsible for the shape of your marriage" if it's taken a battering because of HIS affair, emotional or otherwise?
I can't help but feel it may be over with the first (?) "other woman", but another is not off the table, if he's unremorseful and it's only over at her instigation.
Personally I'd drop this one like a hot rock and get on with appreciating yourself the way he doesn't and possibly finding someone else who does in the future.
amc0468
Original Author
9 years ago
Let me clarify...he is resentful toward me because he says I am not respectful to him in that I don't always make my older children comply with his wishes regarding chores around the house and such. That is what, according to him, is 100% to blame for our marital problems. But, the lack of affection from him started before that issue did. Just mainly curious if I am wrong in thinking if HE should initiate the affection between us? It's like he is saying "I can be loving toward you, when I get the respect I deserve."
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First of all, I wud like to thank you all for your valuable inputs. I feel much better having spoken my heart out. Nothing has changed in my life yet but atleast I can think more clearly now. Some of you have been very supportive, by that I don't mean agreeing with me but saying things the right way. Some of u are just being nasty & don't seem to have a broader view of life. I don't want to waste my energy answering carla35/mkroopy, but I wud like to reply to asolo. I see my future in the post titled "loveless/sexless marriage". Your reply to this post was interesting. You are advising this person that its ok to leave & be hopeful that she will find someone. I am not nit-picking & I had to give some example for the folks here to understand my husband's personality. Its all these small little things that makes a complete person. And the folks who are picking on me are completely ignoring the positive things that I have mentioned about my husband. Anyway, I came to this forum within days of me developing feeling for the other guy & the reason being I did not feel right about it. I was also worried like the OP of "loveless/sexless marriage" that my life would end up in a similar fashion which is not imagination, as u can see, someone is experiencing it. I do not want to spend all my life waiting for something to happen that may never happen. Another reason I came to this forum was I wanted to ensure I was not blowing things out of proportion. I got enough inputs & I am again thankful to everyone. I think I am going to quit at this stage as like I said earlier people start getting judgemental the moment u say u are attracted to someone. So I may not find any more useful suggestions. You don't have to agree with me but I wud like to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation & how they handled it, but not people who just use this forum to vent out their pent up anger.
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Lonely marriage
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I think that your problem is much more serious than taking a longer shower. If it were that simple, then it I don't think you would end up arguing when you discuss the issue. You seem to be willing to take positive action here. You said, "My wife is very critical of me and my body." This implies that there is much more going on. Initially you had sex during the courtship, but then she "suddenly" wanted to wait until after marriage. So, that was the first sign that something was wrong. I think that a counselor could help you both resolve this issue and take the appropriate steps. Three key questions come to mind in this situation: Is your wife attracted to you? What is she dissasfied with during sex? Why did she marry you? I think that it would be wise to stop having sex until you resolve these issues. If she is only participating "out of duty" then that only reinforces the negative feelings she has. It's not healthy for you either. I hope that you can work things out, and I think that a counselor is the best option.
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Well, thank you all for the comments. I don't think I really made myself clear, though. Probably because (as Asolo so smartly pointed out) I was kind of wallowing in self pity last evening. I do that. Wish I didn't. But I do. I was not actually asking for a solution. I made promises when I married and I take those very seriously. And I've done the math here for quite a few years. Yes, it's lonesome. No, it's not what I had in mind. It isn't even what I had reason to expect when I married this time. It wasn't like this in the beginning. But I have no intention of leaving. I have a lot invested here - literally. When we married I was the one who had a house and that went a long way toward buying the place we have now. If we split up, so does this place and it's all I have. Half of it isn't enough to keep either of us in rent. I went through one horrific divorce and came out with something (not much but something). But that was southern CA and that's a community property state. This isn't and what we have isn't worth nearly that much. So, for practical reasons alone, I won't leave. My ex is now a millionaire and I will have to work until I drop. (sigh) But I do have a home. It's not fancy or worth a lot of money but it's rural and private and pleasant and I like it. Besides that, I don't hate my husband. Far from it, in fact. I am just very disappointed. And I get very lonely and sad. I guess what I wanted from this post was a bit of encouragement. I read so many posts by women who seem to be in similar situations...I just thought that there might be a bit of comfort. Well...just goes to show, doesn't it? If I knew how to get what I want I wouldn't be in this mess. A few of you seem to have gotten the impression that I am happier alone than when my husband is home. That is not exactly right. I do enjoy the time I spend by myself because I get busy and work in my garden or do some chores around my house. I enjoy that. But not the way I would enjoy an affectionate spouse. I would much prefer to have his company IF I felt that he really wanted to be with me. That is the part that troubles me. He spends so much time elsewhere that it seems to me that he would rather be someplace else than with me during the short times I am home from work. If he doesn't WANT to be with me...well...I don't want to inflict myself on anyone. I only meant that I don't just sit and cry when he isn't around. Or, for that matter, when he is. I make a HUGE effort - usually successful, I think - to be upbeat and positive. I don't complain or pick fights. I try very hard not to give him reasons to want to be elsewhere. And for the short times he is with me he doesn't really seem miserable. He just doesn't treat me like a wife but rather like a roommate or a casual friend. I can only assume that it's enough for him because he is definitely setting the pace here. But it sure leaves me feeling rejected. I do value the (somewhat unexpected) advice you all have given, though. Thank you all for your concern and suggestions. "From what you've written, it seems to me you're living in wishes. This is your life. You've only got one of them. Act. If you don't, you'll be 58 next year and nothing will have changed." Asolo, you are always wise. Not always tactful - go ahead and laugh - but you do cut through the brush. You are quite right. I am living in wishes. And you are right that it's pointless. What I need to do is figure out some way to more fully enjoy the life I have. I don't really expect much change from the outside but maybe I can change what I am wishing for. Still, I think that the desire for a kind word -a hug now and then, I friendly glance, a compliment - is a real human need. If you are fortunate to have those things you probably don't even give them a thought. But imagine for a moment if you didn't have any of them. If the "thank you" at the fast food window was the friendliest thing you would hear all day...might you not even write a pitiful, whiny post online at night hoping for something more? Pathetic? Yes. But understandable, I think.
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Comments (1)
And this is in the Step-family forum why exactly?? There is a marriage forum for stuff like this. Please though...a little punctuation and capitalization would make it easier to read...
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colleenoz
9 years ago
"he is resentful toward me because he says I am not respectful to him in that I don't always make my older children comply with his wishes regarding chores around the house and such. That is what, according to him, is 100% to blame for our marital problems."

So, according to this logic, that then made it OK for him to have an affair? Interesting logic. How would he feel if his lack of affection led you to seek it elsewhere? I thought so.

Different attitudes to child raising are often a big cause of discord in blended families. However, the usual solution is to talk it out and compromise, not go off and have an affair.

And how can he argue that his lack of affection and emotional affair are not at least partially to blame for your marital problems? I guess his position would be that your perceived lack of respect for him led him to behave that way, but c'mon, he's a grown up. That's a really juvenile response to an issue, right up there with taking your bat and ball and stomping off home.

"if I am wrong in thinking if HE should initiate the affection between us?" Do you mean, should affection between you _only_ be initiated by him, or do you mean, are you wrong in wishing he would sometimes instead of you having to do it all the time?

(And what is his response if you do attempt to initiate affection between you? Acceptance? Rejection?)

He is being controlling with the attitude "I can be loving toward you, when I get the respect I deserve." At what point will he decide he has his required level of respect?

The other points I made in my first reply still hold.
calisha46
9 years ago
It sounds like his resentment is a little more deep-seated than it should be if it's just over the kids not doing their chores properly. Some men start feeling like they were coerced into marriage when they weren't ready, and they use that to justify abusive behavior. Rather than worrying about who should initiate affection, ask yourself why you hang in there with someone who clearly doesn't want you.
amc0468
Original Author
9 years ago
Colleenoz, thank you, everything you say makes sense. To answer your question, yes, I have been waiting and hoping for him to initiate all affection between us. I realize this is not right and I have decided to suck it up and try to treat him the way I want him to treat me and see where we go from there regarding affection and intimacy. Any other thoughts or questions are appreciated. Thanks.
popi_gw
9 years ago
I think it is worth initiating affection with him. Always good to treat other people how you would like to be treated.

Step parenting is always going to be difficult - what did he expect !

He sounds a little immature and caught up in a blame/resentment cycle. Perhaps he doesn't even know why he is feeling this way.

Good luck with it all, I hope things get better for you.

Like sure is complicated, try and simplify things.

Lonely Marriage

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