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Advice to a newlywed

Posted by waddles28 (My Page) on
Fri, Apr 5, 02 at 14:22

I recently had a friend that just got engaged ask me what would be the best advice I could give her about getting married. I told her to try to keep some of the same interests. Watch a little football it won't kill you but at the same time he can do some candlemaking with her. It seems to me that my DH and I do have a lot of the same interests and I think that is what has really kept us going. I get into his sports while he helped make some soaps for Christmas. I don't think you never need time apart because I love the girls night out but I just think doing lots of things together has kept me out of the divorce forum.

What is the best advice you could give?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Advice to a newlywed

My advice would be - be honest about everything and don't get married with the intent of changing your spouse.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Be responsible for your own happiness. Take care of yourself and your marriage will likely follow.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Ditto on the not changing your spouse, also don't think of them as your own idenity, you are still your own person. Don't go to bed angry, as silly as that sounds, it makes a big differnce. Never ever lie! Never take your SO for granted.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

I agree with the above... my other advice would be to pick your battles. Few things are really worth arguing over!


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Don't move into his place and don't have him move into your place. Get a new place for the two of you so you have "ours" instead of "his" and "hers".


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Another ditto on not expecting to change him...I'm still considered a newlywed, I guess, but have known my DH for 7 years. Communication is key! Talk things out. Also, learn to compromise.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

communication and compromise, without those, there is no marriage


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

My advice is to keep the lines of communication open and always be honest with one another. Be faithful to each other and give each other space. Men don't look at things the same way women do. Men get quite to think over problems and to find a solution to the problem but women talk to find solutions to problems. Never give your husband unsolicited advice and him never to be Mr. fix it unless your wife asks for a solution from you.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Remember it's not always 50/50. Sometimes you need to put in 70% or even 100%. COMPROMISE, pick your battles, but always keep the lines of communication open!

I would also say it's okay to have separate hobbies, or go out without each other at times (Girls Night Out, or the men go on a golf trip)


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

I would rather share advice with someone before marriage, because I think it's critical to marry the right person. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, but only 1 person to screw it up! Currently, the divorce rate is running at 50%-60%. So 1 out of every 2 marriages will fail.

Marriage is nothing like it's portrayed on t.v. or in the movies. The best marriages seem to me to be based on mutual respect and friendship. I think it's way more interesting to live with someone who shares a huge interest for the some of the same things you do; oherwise, you're just living in the same house, but you're not really friends. That doesn't mean that you have to spend every waking hour together - that gets old very fast. You still need to be your own separate person - but there's a balance - too much independence and the marriage won't work. Too much dependence and the marriage starts to be suffocating.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

You are so right, Denise! A perfect example of marriages not being like they are on TV would be that show, "Mad about You." When it first came out and I was daydreaming about my future somebody, I thought, Marriage is so cool! You get cool jobs and get to live in a cool apartment, blah blah blah," and all that crap. Now that it's in syndication on Lifetime telvision I occasionally run across it - after watching one or two episodes I was like, "this is SOOOO contrived!" First of all, both Helen Hunt and Paul reiser are writers/producers for the show - but only Paul Reiser has a successful marriage. Helen Hunt was divorced after a year. And too much of her seemingly "I'm afraid of commitment" attitude comes out in the script, especially the episode where she gets pregnant. I just think it's so cheesy! I mean, some things might ring true, but married life is not like it is on tv. Think of your relationship and how you will support the other person - financially or emotionally or whatever - through personal losses, major life changes, everything. It's easy to give up when the chips are down, but you have to remain committed to each other.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

I would say that first and foremost.. Make sure you understand what it is your getting into/doing before you say those vows... Take those vows seriously, and don't ever go to bed mad, or with a bad conscience about something you've done, or haven't done. ALWAYS put the other one first. If you do that.. neither one of you ever loses, or gets taken advantage of..... :-))


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Another thing...talk about things like finances and other major issues first! When my mom remarried, she assumed that their finances would be combined; my stepdad refused. For 20 years it has bugged her but she has "dealt" with it. And all because they didn't discuss things like that beforehand. Talk about things like: how much are we going to save? How much can I spend before we have to discuss it? Do you mind me working or not working when we have small children? Sometimes these things are implied (but most people get married because they agree on these issues) and you enter a relationship thinking the person agrees when they really don't.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Definitely talk about the issues before you get married.

Make sure you understand each other's expectations. For example, if you are marrying a man who grew up with a stay at home mom, but you are career minded, you're going to need to sit down and talk about the household responsibilities. We made a list of all the chores that need to be done, then we divvied them up according to who minds each chore the least.

Same with money- decide ahead of time how you are going to manage the finances.

We used a great book by a Christian guy named Les Parrott. It gave us a bunch of questions that we needed to talk about before we got married.


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RE: Advice to a newlywed

Run like the wind. ROFLMAO. I actually say that when I am asked - tee hee.

Then I wait for their panic to subside and I tell them:

1. It is 200% harder than you think your worst day will be. That is not a bad thing, just a surprise thing. We all expect it to be so easy.

2. Take a good long look at his parents/childhood. He will either want to recreate that or do the complete opposite. Make sure you understand which he wants, and how that fits into what you want. And read between the lines - he may say he never wants to be like his parents and we like to say we aren't our moms, but guess what? And another thing. If you dislike his family now, then don't get married. It will never get better, you will never like them more, and they will NOT learn to like you. It will always be you against them. Always.

3. You must share, but really share. Make sure you know what is going on financially, where and how the bills are paid, where the important papers are, your name should be on everything from the bank accounts to the mortgage (unless there are legal reasons not to, such as if you have a horrible credit record or amazing debt). Make sure you have access to money that is NOT shared as well. This is in case - you leave/he leaves/he dies/something else equally horrible happens.

I have seen it too often, a man trades his wife in for a younger model and she doesn't even know how to write a check. "DH always took care of that". Or the other way around, which is my case. I'm expected to take care of everything and know what to do. When we did have an event that kept me from doing it, he let things get behind because "he didn't know where to go to pay the gas bill". Now for sure he knows how and where to pay the bills!

4. Make sure this is what you REALLY want.

I think if people have second thoughts they should address them NOW instead of stuck in a life they don't want, or end up divorced later. Trust me on this one.



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RE: Advice to a newlywed

My other advice is make sure you want a marriage, not just a wedding. Too many young women get so wrapped up in the fantasy of a wedding (Cinderella for a day) that they forget to prepare for the marriage.


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