HI....I feel very compelled to respond to your question. I am a little older than you...married 14 years. My husband and I have gone through the same situation. When I first got married I often felt like there was something wrong with me b/c of my lack of sex drive. (I got married at 21 and have been with my husband since I was 17). It bothered my husband more than I knew at the time. As I have gotten older it has changed...stopping birth control pills was a big help. I have to try harder to keep up the libido..kind of like don't use it loose it. Sex gets boring....you have to keep it interesting...easier said than done. Myself personally need the romanitc side of the relationship...with all the technology today...IM, text, camera phones...you can get very creative to keep it spicy. The one thing I can say is talk to your wife tell her how you feel. Be careful not to accuse or it will make her mad. It has to be a 2 way street giving from each side. She may need something you are overlooking. We have stayed married for 14 years because of love but also because of communication if you sweep it under the rug eventually it will be to much to handle and you end up not caring what happens. Kudos to you for not seeking other women to fill the need..it takes a big man not to fall into that. I can tell you love your wife and I hope what I say helps...because i have definatly been there myself. GOod luck to you

ok so let me ask this, is there a way to get her back to the adventerous state that we once shared? The things that I ask of her are nothing out of the ordinary, and they are nothing that we have not did in the past, I have talked to her and let her know how I feel about certain situations, I try my best not to attack her and i tell myself that if this is who she is then i just have to deal with it, but its tough because before we were married there were no boundries, nothing was off limits, I know its cliche' but i do believe that the samethings it takes to get a person is what it takes to keep them as well, I am a very patient person as I always tell myself "why rush if she says no now, its cool we're going to be together forever, i can wait" but just because i think this way doesn't mean i don't get frustrated, i want things to be spantaneous, i want to flip open my phone and its a pic of my beautiful wife urging me to get home quicker on my daily commute, which by the way she says she will never do, i want to use the brand new DVD camcorder i purchased in a intimate fashion, which by the way we have done on many occasions before we were married but now for some reason she doesn't want to experiment in that way, my wife is my dream woman, she's beautiful, sexy, a great mind of her own and she loves me unconditionally, but getting her to be "my mistress" (for lack of a better word or description) just isn't happening. I do not believe that I am making to big of a deal of this because i just let it go for the most part, I just want back what we had before the i do's especially while we are still young.

Without knowing your wife's side of the marriage, it's hard to offer help that really IS help. I strongly suggest a marriage counselor. Whatever you do, don't keep sweeping this under the rug. Love is fragile and it needs care, dies from neglect and resentment. Many marriage counselors charge on a sliding scale which means you pay according to your income. If your wife refuses to go, you should go anyway, set a good example for her. Take action! Good luck!

Man...your whole situation sounds much like what I/we are going through right now. OK...2 questions 1. Do you have kids? Sometimes I felt "wrong" about doing things because my role was to be a mom...whereas before I had them it did not matter. It was hard for me to distinguich between being the caregiver/mom/sexpot!!!! I had to work that out myself. I really think that what you are asking your wife to do is totally cool. We are not talking about a threesome or anything like that.. we're not are we???? Cause that is a whole other emotional scary place (speaking from experience) Question 2 has anything changed about your wife like maybe her weight maybe she doesn't feel as sexy any more...even though you love her no matter what. Sometimes that puts a damper on womens sexual side because they are to worried about being perfect. I can see how puzzleed you are that things have changed. I would be to..but there has to be a reason!!!! P.S. I am by no way some kind of psychologist...just giving you my experience...and hopefully wisdon...LOL

I'm assuming you have no kids from your post,since you didnt mention any.Which,if you did,would be the absolute most understandable reason for her not wanting sex (pregnancy does things to your hormones,and kids drain you of energy)

I'm not trying to be mean here...but it could be possible she is just bored.Since you've been together since age 17,doesnt sound as though either one of you had much time to exprience other people. Usually many of us who are married had some exprience with others before we said "I DO". So,we knew the grass wasnt greener being single.
Also,EVERYTHING DOES NOT CHANGE WHEN YOU SAY I DO! I get so sick of that cliche. If it changes it's because both people are no longer on the same page.
However,in EVERY relationship,married or not,the sex does dwindle slightly after a while.It is completely normal.The infatuation dies down some,and real life takes over.You cannot expect her to be as excited as when you first met,SORRY.
Maybe if you focused less on being kinky,and more on being ROMANTIC,she would open up more to you.
I'm talking nice dinners,flowers,taking a romantic walk together...Sometimes the best foreplay for a woman is something NEW.A change of scenery,for instance.I feel weighed down at home sometimes,and going to a hotel can be great for changing someone's mood.
Also,dont pressure her so much.For me,nothing kills my mood faster then when I'am being pressured into it.

I'm going to go out on a limb and agree with the viewpoint that things DO change when you get married. You go from being a girlfirend to being a 'wife' - whatever that means to you - and your identity and self-image changes. Some of those changes are good -- like maybe being more considerate, more mature and more financially responsible. Some of those changes are bad - like perhaps not feeling as sexy as you used to. It does sound to me like she is slipping into a new role - 'the wife' - and you want to help shape that role into one that works for you both.

I'd suggest having a talk with her, but planning carefully the kind of talk you want to have. Maybe ask her about the kind of marriage she wants you two to have, and share your vision with her of how you'd like your marriage to be. Help her see herself as a sexy, romantic, beautiful and loving wife, and help her realize how much more wonderful married sex can be than pre-marital sex, with the comfort, security, trust and true intimacy that comes from marriage.

athome2.... no we don't have kids and we are not talking threesomes! and no nothing has changed about her, she looks exactly as she did in high school.

coolmama....yes we have had time to experience other people, we went to college 1000 miles apart, we had a very open policy, and trust me we got it all out of our system as two teenagers were suppose to, as far as being romantic, i am a very romatic husband, the getting home from work and a warm bath is ran, flowers for no reason, even small things like just laying on the couch and rubbing her feet, notes, random text messages, weekend spa trips, I honestly don't think that me not being romantic has anything to do with it, i'm a very sweet and thoughtful person, i'm far from perfect but she is my weakness we've been together for a long time i've never once called her out of her name, and i still open the car door for her, i read a lot and i have read that sometimes a woman can just be tired, i am not a man who expects my wife to do everything, and i am probably more active in our home than she is, i cook, clean, do the laundry etc...i'm by no means saying that she doesn't do these things as well, i'm just saying i'm comfortable doing them on a regular basis. and I don't think I pressure her, i've gotten so timid about the subject and her, i walk on egg shells cause i don't want to cause extra stress.

Obviously what you are doing isn't working--so try something else. Get busy at the gym,go play basketball, drop off her radar screen for a few days- she may start wondering where you are for a change.
It is tough being newly wed--its much easier when you live separately, but it works out eventually.

No timidity. And to hell with walking on eggshells. There's some kind of game afoot. Get to the bottom of this now. Yes, it will be risky. If you don't mind living like this, don't take the risk.

"....it works out eventually."

No it does not!

I think your situation does change when you marry. You go from being BF and GF to a married, committed couple who have to plan for the future. You may be saving for a deposit on a house, or for children, whatever it is, it is added pressures, and stresses to you both. The fairytale wedding is over, life is beginning.

The fact that you are living together adds pressure, who is doing the cleaning, washing, cooking, dividing that between you is a task, lets face it. Its tough living with someone, they get on your nerves, you see them warts and all. Not very romantic is it !

So, I guess I am saying that its time to make an effort, both of you, to still remember that your marriage comes first, that all the stresses and strains of life don't detract from that.

YOU work on keeping the romance alive, research what women want from men, how you can make her feel like a woman.

I think woman do make the mistake, sometimes, on "mothering" their spouse, we dont want to do that ! Some gentle words, in non-confrontational manner needs to be uttered in her ear.

Have a look at your behaviour, before you lay the blame.

Good luck to you.

Popi

I agree that things change when you marry. It doesn't necessarily have to mean that things go bad but both of you will have a new perception of yourself based on your experiences with and beliefs about what it is to be married. Brace yourself...there will be another jolt of this when/if you have children.

It sounds like (and not having your wife's input here makes it risky to judge) she may expect marriage to be a very serious, forward oriented, grownup thing. She may have gotten that idea from watching her parents or some other significant couple's married behavior or from something she has read or who knows where. And she may or may not even be aware of her concept or how it is affecting her behavior.

And you have some kind of expectation about marriage, too. Are you sure that your behavior hasn't changed as a result of this redefinition of yourself?

You might be able to get to the bottom of it yourselves if you are able to talk about it openly, without blame and anger, in a common effort to make your life together as mutually satisfying as possible. You might have to have a good couselor as a referee. I do hope you will try to figure it out. It won't fix itself and 24 is awfully young to start being as unhappy with your marriage as you seem to be.

lindakimy.... its funny that you say that because she does get her perception of marriage from her parents, and her mom is one of the most serious, straight foward people i've ever met, ain't she's turning into the spitting image of her, not to disrespect my father-in-law, i love him dearly but he is the type to just tuck his tail and let her mom call the shots (I can't quite blame him) but thats not me, i do think that she is trying to model our marriage after her parents. not a good thing.

Well, o.k. That is an insight. Can you talk with her about it? Be careful if you do because she will likely feel attacked and defensive - that's natural.

Maybe it will help you to know that we ALL get our views about how to be married from somewhere - usually parents, but sometimes others. Try to figure out what yours are and where they came from. Cut your wife a little slack here - she is trying to be married the only way she knows. Too bad there isn't a training manual or lessons or anything for this. If you can figure out how to talk with her about this and find a resolution, your marriage will probably be better than about 90% of others.

Popi,sweeby and lindakimy:

I never said the RELATIONSHIP didnt change when you got married. What I meant was the saying that your sex life goes away when you get married isnt true! I'm sick of people saying ,"Well you dont have sex because your married".Rubbish! Lots of married people have wonderful sex lives~

Kcils~
You could just be going through a slump right now. How long would you say she's been like this?
Honestly it could be anything.She may be stressed,feel depressed,feel fat~who knows? I know when I feel any of those things I'm not exactly miss sexual adventure myself.

Honestly,the only way to really know is to talk to her. When you asked her before,or when you "Tried" before,what did say??? Does she tell you she is tired?

Anyways,lots of married people (or anyone for that matter) sex life has ups and downs. You get in a slump,you slack off for a little bit. You get on a roll,you do it alot more. It happens in spurts (no pun intended,LOL)

Am I the only one who wondered about nothing has changed about her, she looks exactly as she did in high school. Because people mentioned other changes, not just physical ones. It just kinda leapt out at me.

It's really hard to know what to think from the little you can glean from a few posts but I wondered (don't know, just a thought) if you are focussing on where the physical side went while she is focussing on where all the other things that make a marriage are going.

The first year can be bumpy for many people. Reality versus unrealistic expectations of what marriage/life really is all about.

How did it go from "I worship her to I can't be here even with a baby?. Check out your other topic- Facillatating a Change (?)..

dastowers, kcils has been struggling with his commitment to this marriage for the last year, and has been married for a very short amount of time. I remembered his earlier posts from last spring/summer, and I went back and re-read them. He was struggling with whether to stay in the marriage or divorce, and posted last spring and summer about what he should do. And then (in the midst of the struggle about staying married or not) in August/Sept? the two of them got pregnant. I should not have responded to this post from 9 months ago, because it confuses the issue, which is that kcil is about to have a child. When he sees his beautiful child, and gets to know his son or daughter, so much of what he once thought, will change and evolve.

this is an old post and should be allowed to move to the end of the forum so that kcil can have a clear perspective of where he is now, and not go back into old stuff from last year.