Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

Posted by gardenfrog (My Page) on
Sat, Apr 16, 11 at 10:57

I recently found out that my husband has been viewing pre-teen girls dressed in next to nothing in seductive poses on the internet. Not just once, but every day for quite a while. I knew that he was looking at porn on the internet so the other day I looked at the history and found numerous sites that he had visited. I was disgusted. I still am. I am sure that he hasn't acted on anything. Just looking.

We have been married almost 16 years and have no children together. We recently moved to another state and I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this. I haven't told him that I know. I haven't told anyone.

He has a very demanding job. I blamed that for his lack of interest in sex. Truth is, he hasn't been real interested in sex since just after we got married. Two minutes and it's all about him. About 6 or 8 months ago, out of the blue, he started using condoms whenever we had sex. I thought it was because at times I am a little dry. When I asked him about it he said that he was doing it for me.

Any advice on how to approach the internet issue would be appreciated. I haven't seen this subject discussed. I don't know what to do...

Thank you!


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

Don't be stupid about this. The condom thing after 16 years doesn't make any sense at all, unless..........and you know where I'm going.

My suspicion is you've scratched the surface only. You've discovered a component of your spouse you were unaware of and about which he does not wish you to be aware. And I suspect there's still more you are still not aware of. It may mean nothing or it may be a deal-breaker. No way for me to predict or advise other than for you to decide what's important for yourself.

For myself, I wouldn't live in limbo with someone who I thought was hiding important things from me. I would confront and examine recognizing that there may be painful consequences. You may be pleasantly surprised or you may be wounded beyond recovery. Right now, I don't think you know what you're dealing with.

I encourage you to consider your options carefully.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

Thank you, Asolo. I feel so lost right now. I don't know what to think or do. I just want to curl up and cry. I honestly never saw this coming. My head is spinning and I don't know where to turn. What if I talk to someone we know about this and it turns out to be harmless curiousity. I have destroyed our life for nothing. What if I don't do anything and someone gets hurt. I don't think he would hurt anyone, but then again, I never saw this coming. I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. I know that looking at young girls is wrong, curious or not. I can't even look at him right now. I feel like I have a 100 pound weight on my chest.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

It isn't harmless curiosity. Please don't make excuses.

Perhaps you should consider your own safety. I think there could be very serious legal ramifications about downloading this sort of material, on your home computer.

I know in Australia we have very strict laws about such issues.

Your computer can be traced.

Protect yourself. Perhaps you should get some legal advice.

I can imagine this is a shock for you, but at least you have not got children and extracting yourself to a safer place will be a smoother transition for you.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

"....viewing pre-teen girls dressed in next to nothing in seductive poses on the internet. Not just once, but every day...."

"....what if it....turns out to be harmless curiousity."

Madame, please. Consider these two statements you've made. If it is what you've said it is, "harmless curiosity" doesn't cover the ground. I know you're upset but you must remain rational. What you've described is nasty business. Whatever else you do, please do see it for what it is.

I haven't seen what you've described so I can't be sure what it is. I'm cautious because I grew up in a community where the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue was considered pornography by many. I really don't know where you're coming from or what you've seen regardless of your brief description.

However, it clearly does upset you. And he clearly knows you would be upset if you knew....which is why he's hidden it. Both indicate bad times ahead.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

Sorry to say I agree with the others... what he is doing isn't harmless. It possibly could be criminal depending on what his job is. As for using a condom after all these years, well, he either is attempting to protect you from a STD or doesn't want children brought into this marriage. Either way you should have yourself tested for an STD. You do need to talk to him about his behavior. You are driving yourself crazy thinking about the situation. If you want that 100 lb weight off your chest you need to stop wringing your hands and fretting and talk. Sit at the kitchen table or on the sofa(wherever you feel comfortable) and tell him you know about the pictures he has been looking at on the internet. Let him take it from there. Hopefully he will be honest about his behavior...all of it. Than YOU can decide what you want to do. It's going to be hard to do. I understand that but the longer it goes on the more in harm's way he is putting you in. Good Luck, NancyLouise


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

Thank you to all of you for your responses. I am going to set up an appointment to see a counselor this week. It isn't harmless. I said something to him last night and he told me that it was just curiousity and apologized over and over again. It didn't make me feel better. He hasn't saved any pictures or videos to his computer, but he has deleted the history. I can recover that if I need to. I know more about computers than he will forget in his lifetime.

As for the condoms, I can't have anymore children. I had my tubes tied right after we got married and then another surgery a few years ago that ensured that I can't have anymore. He is aware of this. I am 44 and he is 56.

What he is looking at isn't comparble to children in a Sears ad. It is much worse than that. No nudity, but the little girls have on thongs and skimpy tops or other things that should be worn only by adult women. His Yahoo serches were for "preteen models" and from there it brought up little girl sites that you had to pay for. I don't know if he has actually gone into or paid for access to the sites. I can find out if I need to. Even if he hasn't the fact that the pictures of the little girls are still there to look at and he kept searching. He has his own laptop and I have mine. He doesn't have access to mine because I keep it with me, but he leaves his on the table in the living room. He doesn't work in a job where he has any contact with children so I don't worry about that. I have small grandchildren, though and don't feel like I can have them anywhere near here until this is straightened out.

I will see what the counselor says this week. Thank you all for your input.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

"I don't know if he has actually gone into or paid for access to the sites. I can find out if I need to."

If you know how to do this, by all means do it. It will answer the "just curiosity" question at once. And it will help you direct future conversation.

Do recover the history and save it clandestinely. You may need it.

Not suggesting playing cops-and-robbers. Just saying I think its important for you to know the extent of what you're dealing with. Right now you're still adrift.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

You've said that he's been doing this for quite awhile and that he has deleted the history. Do you think that the lack of history means that he doesn't remember at least most of the sites he's gone to? Don't kid yourself.

I'd also suggest that you consider going to authorities with the names of the specific websites. I don't know about you, but I read of busts on sites like these quite regularly.

If it's appropriate, you can ask him to use Tools, Internet Options, Security to set up web site blocks on his computer.

While it's good that you have a counseling appt set up, I think it's more than appropriate to suggest/insist that he see a counselor as well.

Good luck.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

how old are the children on these sites you have seen.I know he has googled pree teens but what is the youngest you have seen on there.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

This hobby could get him arrested and put you in the spotlight as well.

Porn site stings are done quite regularly.

I hope everything works out for you--and he gets help quick. (I don't think I could ever stay with someone like that, but that's me) Sorry you are going thru this.


 o
RE: Problem - Don't know where to turn.....

> He has a very demanding job. I blamed that for his lack of interest in sex. Truth is, he hasn't been real interested in sex since just after we got married.

He's plenty interested in sex. Just not with you.

> About 6 or 8 months ago, out of the blue, he started using condoms whenever we had sex.

Ah, how sweet.... wouldn't want you to pick up a STI or STD he caught from who knows who, and have it be all his fault.

> I thought it was because at times I am a little dry. When I asked him about it he said that he was doing it for me.

If that's a problem (or even if it isn't) there are lubes. Condoms are for contraception (not an issue for you) and STD prevention (which, um, is an issue for you now).

Downloading pre-teen porn (or even teen porn if 17 or younger) is very illegal. But what you're describing - scantily-clad girls in come-hither poses - disturbing as it may be, falls short of what would be considered pornographic or obscene.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here