Return to the Marriage Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
who to pick

Posted by lostinlove (My Page) on
Mon, Apr 12, 10 at 3:58

Guys,

Please help me with this situation, i am 36 yrs old and I live with my bf for 12yrs, we don't have any children. doing the pass couple yrs, I cheated on him with someone online. My bf understand the reason why I cheated on him, so he said he will forgive me. but we have fight constainly about my cheating. he promise not to talk about it, but he brings it up everytime. and say sorry after that.

I am still keep contact with the guy online sometimes. every time I call him, he ask me when I am going to move in with him.

I feel so tired to have fight with my bf all the time, and everytime we fight, I move out, and I am so tired of moving in and out so many times.

The guy online, if I don't tell him when I am going to moving in with him or run out of excuses for not moving with him. he find excuses to hang up the phone or doesn't pick up the phone the next time i call.

What should I do now? should I stay with my bf to work things out? or move in with the guy online to have baby with him? b/c I feel that with my age, I am runing out of time to have baby, and I want to have a baby.

please help, honest advice greatly appreciate it.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: who to pick

Move out on your own. Don't stay with either one of these guys, they both sound like losers.


 o
RE: who to pick

I think they all sound like losers. And here comes baby regardless.


 o
RE: who to pick

As long as you're living with your bf, you shouldn't be having any contact with the guy on line. How can your bf rebuild trust with you when you're still cheating by talking secretly to the other guy? You don't deserve to be trusted, therefore fights are going to continue until you can honestly give up your childish fantasies and face your situation. You're not being fair to either one of these guys, because you're not mature enough to live a life of honesty and integrity. The adult thing to do is to give up the online guy, give your current relationship 3 months to see if any healing and forgiveness takes place, and if it doesn't work out, move out and stay single for at least 6 months while you work on your self-esteem and independence. Once you feel better about yourself you'll find that good things start happening for you and you'll be able to enter into a relationship based on mutual caring, not based on selfishness and fear. You still have a few years to have a baby, but a child deserves to have parents that are emotionally healthy and resolve their problems with mutual respect. You're not able to provide that yet. Work on becoming the kind of person people admire...honest, faithful, fair, able to accept responsibility, and self-sufficient. Then you'll be amazed at the quality of men you will attract. You won't have to settle for either one of these jerks.


 o
RE: who to pick

If this is a real question (and I have some doubts about that) I agree mostly with what Jarielle said except that I don't see why your BF is a jerk. Poor guy has caught you cheating on him, agreed to forgive you and wants to rebuild the relationship but you are still cheating. And you have the nerve to be mad at him for bringing it up that you cheat.

What would you expect if you were in his position? If your BF cheated, begged you to forgive him and then kept telling the other woman he was moving in with her you would be an idiot to stay with him.

Why on earth should he forgive you for something you have not stopped doing and seem to intend to continue to do? You hurt him, continue to hurt him and expect he will not mention it? Forgiveness is what you give to someone who is sorry for causing hurt and trying not to do it again. You are intentionally causing more pain, therefore you don't deserve forgiveness. I hope he gets the guts or brains to leave you and find someone who will treat him honourably.

Even the other online guy seems to have more responsibility than you do. Presumably he knew about your current BF (or did you not tell him about the BF?) so he agreed to a relationship with a cheater but you continue to string him along saying you will move in with him. That doesn't sound like you ever told him that the affair was over. Poor guy, maybe he trusts you love him and are on your way to setting up a life with him.

You appear to have lied to both these men and continue to do so. Why should either of them want you?

And no matter what you decide about these poor men, please don't have a baby until or unless you are able to grow up. Children deserve adult parents who will behave responsibly and put their interests first. You seem to be focussed only on you and your feelings and your needs. Learn to treat other people the way you would like to be treated and then think about bringing a child into the world.


 o
RE: who to pick

you don't sound responsible or mature enough to have babies, please use birth control.


 o
RE: who to pick

PS....this the "marriage" forum....a concept apparently foreign to your thinking.

Suggest you seek out a "having baby for fun" forum if you can find one.

IMHO, your entire universe stinks. Please don't bring an innocent, choice-less human being into this. Get a dog or cat or something.


 o
RE: who to pick

First comes happy stable relationship between a man and a woman, where you trust each other, you have a decent income, decent home, good morals, value education and value commitment and are willing to do whatever it takes to protect any offspring that may eventuate, hopefully planned for.

This is what you need before you ever consider bringing a child into the world.

Ask yourself if you are in the situation where you can bring a child into the world ?

It really is not about you wanting a child it is about you providing a good life for the child.

Only YOU can decide which man you want to spend your life with, but I think your method of figuring that out screams immaturity. You cannot treat you current partner the way you have, cheating on him, and expect to be in a situation where a child should be brought into the mix.

Perhaps you should focus on your own behavior, read some books on how to form loving bonds with people. I am sure this would enable you to make the right decision.

Think very hard and long before you bring a child into the world. It is a very rocky road and takes a lot of money and time to do what is best for them.

I applaud you for asking for advice, it shows you are willing to learn and perhaps change your habits for the betterment of yourself and your partner.

All the best to you.


 o
RE: who to pick

The grass is usually not greener on the other side, and having a baby does not make life right. You sound quite immature for a 36 year old. Perhaps you need to be on your own to figure out who you are and what is important to you.


 o
RE: who to pick

If you're 36, you're a very immature 36. You're expression and lifestyle is more in line with someone around 17-19. So I'm a little suspicious about the legitimacy of your post.

However, if indeed, you are who you say you are, then you need to stop dating around, and work on yourself. You're much too old to be leading such an unsettled life. Take time out of the dating scene, work on yourself--on your career, your self-esteem, your skills, your education. And for heaven's sake, you need to define what ethics mean to you, and what kind of morality you need to be following to run your life.

In all honesty? It's clear from your post, you don't love either man. IF either was the love of your life, you wouldn't be bouncing back and forth between the 2 of them. You wouldn't have come here and posted this question, because--if the bf was the love of your life, you'd never have considered cheating on him (I'm going to be 60 next month--have been marrried to the same man since I was 23--I have never even CONSIDERED cheating, because I love him too much, and respect myself too much). If the new guy was your soulmate, you would do the responsible thing and tell the 'old' boyfriend that your relationship has run it's course. It's totally irresponsible to string both along.

It's time to grow up, and learn how to be responsible to yourself, so you will be able to stand looking at yourself in the mirror when you reach my age. And just so you know--I'm not being harsh here. I'd tell my dd the exact same things I told you, were she to come to me with a question like yours.


 o
RE: who to pick

Yo, Azzalea....you do realize she has no idea what you're talking about, don't you? She's going to do it. Betcha anything. I detect "nitwit"....but she is going to do it.


 o
RE: who to pick

This sounds like one of the "novels" that are being written on this board.
This can't be a real story; it's too outrageous.


 o
RE: who to pick

Agree, pretty typical. Probably best not to feed the trolls. Mea Culpa.

Except...actually....I've personally known people like this. They are among us. And they vote. And they procreate.


 o
RE: who to pick

There ARE people like this among us. Lostinlove, you're headed in the wrong direction with either of the guys and the direction you're going in. I don't blame your boyfriend for not trusting you; you're not trustworthy. If you were, you'd have no contact with the on-line guy.

You're wondering if you should move in with the on-line guy to have a baby with him. Your writing sounds as though you are from a non-American culture; Chinese, perhaps? Do you think that you would be happy just being with the guy so that you can have a baby and that would make everything Ok? Don't you need love, from a stand-up guy? By the way, you've never mentioned marriage in either of the "choices" you've given.

"Work things out" with your boyfriend, after 12 years??? Come on - why isn't there a ring on your finger and his after all that time?

Please, please, please forget about having a baby. You are in no way ready to have a child, for the child's sake. You're 36; time to figure your life out, find a man that you love and want to be with forever, get married, and have a child ... in that order, if that's what you want.

Please.


 o
Chinese? why?

why did you assume she is Chinese? I am completely puzzled. Based on what? She writes like a foreigner? But why Chinese? Plenty of Americans cannot write coherently and certainly many sleep around and make awful choices. And what does it mean "nonAmerican" culture? What do you mean by "American" culture? White Protestant?

She could as well be Chinese but why would you assume she is?


 o
RE: who to pick

WAIT>>> Don't get a dog or a cat... get a plant. If it's still alive in a year, THEN get a fish... and so forth.


 o
RE: who to pick

Oh, settle down, finedreams. Seems to me suzi was appropriately delicate in attempting to ask a simple -- and obvious -- question. FWIW, I thought she was likely Chinese, too. See no need for this knee-jerk/hair-trigger response.


 o
RE: who to pick

"I thought she was likely Chinese"

But why?

Settle down? LOL i am pretty settled just want to know why Chinese? She might as well be, but why not Cambodian or Vietnamese?


 o
RE: who to pick

Thanks, asolo. Finedreams, sorry for apparently being non-PC; that was hardly my intent. Perhaps I should've said Asian. I know many people, and have relatives, whose native language is Mandarin or similar and they speak English, in varying degrees, the way this poster wrote.

And if you're asking why it matters, I was wondering if there is some cultural aspect that might be taken into consideration.


 o
RE: who to pick

I my case, I happen to have known quite a few Chinese personally who's speaking and writing is similar to the way the OP wrote. I personally have not known any Cambodian, Vietnamese, or dozens of other Asian nationalities that might otherwise have caused me to think of those nationalities. For all I know she may be Inuit or my cousin's daughter. If you want to split hairs about this, or get into some battle over political correctness, you'll have to do it with someone else. Seems a pretty trivial thing to me.


 o
RE: who to pick

Oh! I've got just the guy for you! He's 37 and really hot! He's got six-pack abs and a great car (limited edition), and best of all -- he wants to have a baby too. He just loves children! You've got a house and a good job, right? (He doesn't.) But he's really fun and really sweet and I bet you two could make beautiful children together.

Should I give you his email address?


 o
RE: who to pick

But Sweeby, is he Chinese?


 o
RE: who to pick

Something tells me that lostinlove will be one of the posters who posts once and doesn't come back to acknowledge people's input.

Lostinlove, please prove me wrong.


 o
RE: who to pick

Whether real or hoax, she got slapped around pretty well. Why would she return?


 o
RE: who to pick

You're right, of course. But some people are at least mature enough to respond. Wait - what am I thinking???


 o
RE: who to pick

it is nothing to do with political correctness, just wonder about Chinese.

I meet plenty of people who think that every foreigner is either Chinese or Polish: Asian looking must be Chinese, blond hair speaks with accent must be Polish.

I can write a novel here about what funny things I heard over the years, it would be off topic here but I find these assumptions very funny, even when they are true they are still funny. I am not arguing, just wondering.

Yes cultural differences could be the case, but it seems that OP's actions could be of any culture. I work with all White American population and many have up to 5 children with different men never married.

I think what OP is trying to do does not indicate any cultural differences. In fact Chinese woman would more likely look for marriage rather than for a baby out of wedlock.


 o
RE: who to pick

"he promise not to talk about it, but he brings it up everytime. and say sorry after that."

Hu? Why would he need to promise not to talk about it? You totally betrayed him. He NEEDS to talk about it - respectfully - but talk nonetheless.

But it's pointless since you are continuing your affair. It continues to be a betrayal because you are doing something that would hurt your BF if he knew.

(Shaking head - oh the humanity.)


 o
RE: who to pick

omg! im so not PC blog savvy! what does it mean?
DH
OP
FWIW
asolo and silversword- your posts were real. sad tho, when its true, people like that r everywhere. And these too are the voices of our future.Trust that the higher spirit puts forth a voice to help guide the weary in the right direction, be it her or her offspring. maybe posts like yours will help open the eyes of the blind, if their willing to look in the right places. One can only hope.


 o
RE: who to pick

DH = dear husband
OP = original poster
FWIW = for what it's worth


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Marriage Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here