confused

brian1998

16 years ago

i have been with my husband for 10 years and i feel confused about my feelings towards him.

I have always felt as if there are some things that i genuinely don't like about him. But he has been very devoted to me and done some really special things for me like stood up for me when other people have been unkind, comforted me when i am needy and bought me really thoughful gifts. We also have a young child together and he is a great dad.

I cannot say that i would consider him a friend. We do talk about intersting things and he is smart, educated and a critical thinker which i admire but I cannot talk to him in a way that i could talk to a friend. sometimes i feel like he doesn't really like the real me but the version of me that i present to please him. i am much more conservative around him that i am around my true friends.

he is also controlling and i often feel as if he has no respect for mine or anyone else's opinion. he is quite domineering in a conversation. he considers himself to be very smart.

He has a lot of positive qualities too but i often dream of a life away from him.

I wonder if i take him for granted and have a "grass is greener" mentality or whether i am just unhappy with him and would be better off finding someone that i am more compatable with.

I am also scared to leave unless i regret it in the future but the idea of being with him for the rest of my life depresses me.

Comments (8)

marge727
16 years ago
I was just in Australia. brian doesn't seem like a typical name for a woman there. But your husband actually sounds like some of the guys I met there at a wedding. Australian men seemed pretty conversational to me and fairly sharp but you could be a female Einstein and they would still argue with you. If you trade him in for somebody else--there is going to be something different wrong with the next one. I don't believe the conversation any woman has with her husband is the same as the one you would have with a girlfriend unless she plays Rugby or fixes motorcycles.
If you are dreaming of life away from him you are forgetting that you have a small child who is going to be unhappy you have dumped his dad for no good reason. There are perfectly nice looking guys out there who chase other women are nasty to their wives or have a gambling problem and since you don't want a guy who is good to you your odds of getting one of those is pretty good.
rob333 (zone 7b)
16 years ago
I'm guessing Brian 1998 is your son who was born in 1998? But only because you told us you have a young child. :)

That said, I understand fully what you're saying and I can feel like that on our worst days. Most of the time I'm pretty happy with him. What do you feel on your best days? There are ups and downs and can they can last for any period of time, days, weeks, months, years... But I have to agree with marge, he can't fill the spot your girlfriends can. Nor can he be your son, your dad or... your husband can't be your world, he is only supposed to share your world. Hope this helps!
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sweeby
16 years ago
If you feel you aren't truly yourself when you're with him, then I think there's a real issue -- one that will fester and grow over time.

Do you think you could sit him down for a talk (well - he would listen, you talk) and try to explain some of what you wrote above. Be sure to mention some of his qualities that you like and admire, then also that you feel he sometimes disrespects your opinions, and that you find yourself editing your personality to try to please him, and that this makes you feel 'false' and puts up walls between you. Clarify that it's not your behavior that you're editing, it's your personality, and that you need to try to be more 'who you really are' and would appreciate his help and support.

It's a fine distinction that not every man can grasp -- and it's OK to say that he may not understand and that you may not be explaining it well.

But try to be truly yourself after that. Be who you are, and you might just get the most wonderful surprise in the world. (I did) If your husband loves the real you, the result will be a wonderful marriage.
tracystoke
16 years ago
I agree with sweeby.you must be yourself.
Do you love your husband?maybe youve become a bit bored and need to spice things up a bit.
It depresses you to think of spending the rest of you life with him.That isnt a good sign.
maybe he just isnt the man for you.
demeron
16 years ago
What would happen if you told him (gently, of course) what you told us-- "you're attentive, smart, a great dad etc etc, but when I talk to you I feel like I have to edit myself to gain your acceptance" ? Do you think he would be able to conduct that conversation?
scarlett2001
16 years ago
Hey, if you find The Perfect Man, let us know...we would LOVE to believe he exists.
I'm not sure from your post if you are just not letting him KNOW the real you, trying too hard to please him and conform to his ideas or if there is really no chemistry? Were you brought up to bend to the husband? Cause that doesn't last. Even an accomplished actor can only keep up a role for so long. Do they have Assertion Training where you live?
close_1972
15 years ago
brian1998-->

Although I am not in exactly the same situation as you, I think I'm in a SIMILAR situation. I've been w/DH for six years; for a long time I also felt like I couldn't really be myself b/c he seemed so SENSITIVE to the things I would say or comments I would make.

Here's an example: last night, around DSs bedtime, I called him into DSs room and said that I'd appreciate it if he would help keep DSs room clean (DS is three and DH had left used tissues on the dresser, multiple dresser drawers pulled open, and dirty jammies on the bed...I am not a neat freak but I see these particular things happening over and over and I wanted him to clean up after himself; I try to clean up after myself when I'm in DSs room). DH was offended b/c he said I was implying that he never cleans in DSs room. I was not implying that, especially as DH always works w/DS to clean up his TOYS. The problem is that he makes DS clean up toys but won't clean up after himself (DS did not open the drawers, generate the tissues, or throw his jammies on his bed). As I think about it this morning, I wish I'd been more direct w/DH and said that I would like him to clean up after himself in DSs room, but I'm still working on developing my assertion skills.

That is just an example, but often I find that when I bring things up w/DH he says I'm implying something bad about him, or I am being picky, or I should appreciate the things he DOES do. Well, for a long time his responses WORKED on me. I began to doubt whether or not I was being reasonable to ask him these things, I began to wonder if I was really implying that he was lazy, that I didn't love him, etc--whatever he accused me of implying. He often would say that it wasn't what I said that mattered, but what I implied. It really confused me b/c I think DH is helpful and I do love him.

We've been in counseling now for over a year, dealing w/lots of problems but it seems that many of them can be reduced to communication/personality conflicts. The counselor has been working w/me, lately, on being more assertive and trusting how I feel about things. He says I shouldn't worry about whether or not DH will think I'm being reasonable or whatever because that just makes it into a head game and I end up feeling like I'm responsible for DHs response.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about what your DH will think of what you say or how he might interpret it. If you're treating his opinion w/respect while also being honest about your own, you are being assertive. Ideally, once you start being more assertive about your feelings (not aggressive, not demeaning of DH, but HONEST and direct about yourself) you may find that you don't question your life with DH as much and you may find that you will know whether or not you can live with him for a lifetime.
popi_gw
15 years ago
Yep, I agree with Sweeby...find out who YOU are and then you will see things more clearly. Its easy to loose who you are, when you are married (you are a wife) and a mother. Its a slow process, but I think it can happen to all of us.

What were you like when you where single, think along those lines.

I married quite young, 22, and I was still growing up then, when I look back, not sure I had found out who I was, then.
Now 25 years later...I am finding myself.

Get out on your own...go for a long walk, enjoy the freedom.

What are you passionate about ?

All the best.

Popi

confused

Comments (8)

marge727

rob333 (zone 7b)

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