We finally managed to exchange pictures, apparently he liked what he saw ("me" not so much) but by this point I was totally taken with him. What I liked about him is that he also had a way with words. The more we got to know each other the more grew on me. We arranged to meet in a different town (he came to Canada on business) when I saw him I liked him. We spent the day together down by the lake. The day went on like one of those romance novels. It was wonderful. He had me hook line and sinker! I was afraid to kiss him but when I did he had the softest sweetest kiss ever! I was in love!
Things progressed pretty quickly. We started talking in May of 99, by Sept of 2000 I left my husband, my house… the only thing I took with me (materially) was my furniture. Of course my children went with me. I gave my ex everything. I bought a little house for myself and my children. And my new American man moved in on Feb of 01.
Well let’s see…. He didn’t have a job…. But he had dependents in the US. When he did get a job he was bring in less than was he was sending his ex in the US. For example he was making 2000$ a month (Canadian) and sent his ex 1200 US EVERY month! He ran up my visa bill to the max, ran my van into the ground. Destroyed my credit to say the least….Oh…. all with the promise that he would make things right again.

His got a better possession at work so he now had an expense account that he took full advantage of. But the money was still lacking, bills were not being paid on time etc….. Yes I still loved him (rolling eyes)
However I had a sneaking suspicion that he was up to no good. Spending 200 hundred dollars on lunches for "clients" didn’t quite cut it for me. The suspicion grew and grew. (Oh I forgot to mention that he was a sex addict) I didn’t know it at the time. It was a bit of a novelty to me since my ex and I had sex maybe 3 times a year! This was a cool change. To an extent, it got to be a little odd when he HAD to have sex 5, 6 sometimes 10 times a day. (I kid you not!) He would try and have sex with me when I was on the phone talking to my friends, my mother…it didn’t matter. And he loved to have sex out in the open. (Come on, I like adventure, but not to the extent that he did) But I went along with it for a while, I figured that the "newness" would ware off soon. (I hoped) and it did. But it happened WAY TOO FAST! So as time went on I got a little computer savvy and found this wonderful little program call "Ghost Key Logger"

No, wait! Please just accept my response to whatever it may be, now: Ho hum. Now you can disappear and forget it.

Either this post is totally bogus or you are the western hemisphere's biggest idiot. If there's something in between, do let me know.

Yes I stayed with him. Oh my goodness you know something…as I read what I’m posting I feel like a total idiot. The moral of the story is…. its 2009 and I am still with him… he said he would stop all his fooling around but has yet to do so. As time goes by I feel more and more trapped, alone, scared and lost! I gave this man so much of myself that I don’t even feel like a real person anymore. I know what I sound like… I don’t need any smart*ss telling me that I need to see a doctor! After reading all this what do you think?

- This man is a serial cheater.
- He is controlling and physically abusive at times, and physical abuse escalates over time.
- The only time you are happy is when you are pretending he is something he's not. You recognize that you are pretending and admit as much.
- You know your husband's behavior is a result of WHO HE IS, and NOT the result of who you are or anything you're doing or not doing.
- You do know this won't change by itself, won't change because of anything you do or stop doing, and will only change if HE want's to change himself.
- He's said he wants to change and will stop -- but hasn't. Repeatedly.

Bottom line -- You know this is going to end unhappily. The only real question is how old you're going to be and how beaten down you're going to be (and perhaps who finally ends it) when it finally happens.

My advice? Leave on your own terms, and sooner rather than later.

Sweeby, I hear what your saying. I think about that all the time. What I posted here is just the tip of the iceburg. I wish I could pack up and leave him. It's not easy. So much garbage to sift through that I don't even know where to begin!

"I wish I could pack up and leave him."
You can. Thinking that you can't is always half the problem.
There will be sacrifices, of course, but the extra energy you get from reclaiming your life will be incredible.
(I know this from experience.)
And the difference it will make in your outlook will spill over to your kids, at work, your social life!
Frankly, there's a beautiful day out there! All you have to do is step outside and claim it.

I may not be very smart but I am smart enough to see you're on your way to unrecoverable personal destruction. IMHO a competent Dr. that deals with such issues is exactly what you need as soon as you can possibly obtain the service. You're 3/4 of the way to nuts and Dr./therapist for you is looooong overdue. In the process of describing your SO's sickness, you've also described your own.

"After reading all this what do you think?"

I think you're foolish, incompetent, and perhaps fatally resistant to reasonable advice. Personally, the original post and follow-ups still read like a hoax to me. If even 1/2 of what you've written is based upon your actual reality, you need professional help at once -- and ongoing.

Every time I make up my mind to get on with my life, he makes a change. Be it naive or whatever you want to call it but I would like to think he "can" change. Logically I know I’m beating a dead horse and he will never be the person he professed to be in the beginning. So now its mustering up enough courage to get my sh** together and move on. I know he has an addiction to sex, I think I have an addiction to him. I have to keep reminding myself of the reality of my situation. I know I don’t want to grow old feeling regret that I didn’t have the nerve to do what "I know" has to be done. Thanks for you kind words Sweeby, I appreciate it very much!

There will be sacrifices, of course, but the extra energy you get from reclaiming your life will be incredible.
(I know this from experience.)
And the difference it will make in your outlook will spill over to your kids, at work, your social life!
Frankly, there's a beautiful day out there! All you have to do is step outside and claim it.

I agree 100% with what this person had to say. I understand completely when you say that you don’t feel like a real person. You have to put more value in yourself, and tell yourself EVERY day that YOU are worth it! Reclaim your power and do what you know is going to make you a happier person. Well there you have it, my 2 cents ;) I hope things work out for you Adia!
On a light note-- ;) when life gives you lemons find a person with vodka :) Keep smiling Adia!

But his bottom line advice was sound -
Professional help could be a lifesaver for you, and the very best investment you could ever make.

You already know (to some extent) that your marriage is doomed,
and that the 'man of your dreams' you occasionally see is mostly a creation of your own need and the rose-colored glasses you can occasionally keep on...
But sometimes just having a professional spell things out for us is the extra nudge it takes to get us moving.

I know I needed it. And thankfully, I got it!
I wasn't crazy - just desparately unhappy. Like you. So I went to the doctor!
And that's what finally got me moving in the right direction.

It's one thing to hear your friends say "He's a jerk!" --
But somehow very different to hear a professional describe the addictions and personality disorders that make his behavior intractable.

It's one thing to hear your friends say "He'll never change!"
But somehow very different to hear a professional describe exactly what steps would be needed and the strength and duration of committment it would take for your husband to actually make that change -- That is, after he has admitted he has a problem and wants to change, assuming he sticks with it.

My Ex's prognosis was ten years of 2x/week sessions IF he wanted to change. He didn't. And somehow, that gave me the 'permission' I needed to leave then and get on with my life. I knew I was not willing to invest another ten years of my life on a 'weak maybe'.

Please tell me you'll call to make an appointment with a professional therapist --
It'll be the best thing you've done for yourself in a long time.

1. Sell your story to the Lifetime for Women Channel. Your part could be played by Melissa Sue Gilbert.

2. Read what YOU wrote on this forum. If the answer to your problem isn't very, very obvious, then you are in deeper doogie than you think.

3. Think of your kids. Where are they in all this? What has this silliness and poor judgement done to them? I only see one little mention of them in all your posts.

4. Ask yourself if this was a one-time, temporary insanity kind of thing are are you this gullible in all your realtionships? Maybe you should call a time-out to "love" while you re-group and get some perspective.

Sweeby: I have reached out to seek a ‘professional’ help. As for as "depression" is concerned I am on an antidepressant which has helped me deal with the "sadness" Putting my life out here for people to read and critique is pretty painful I must admit. However what you lighthouse and asolo have said makes perfect sense. I know what I have to do, its just having enough faith in myself to get off my horse and do it.
As for my children, they are old enough to be on their own. One is a university grad, one is a college grad and one is on the way to university. I don’t let on to my children about the things that are going on with me and my husband. I am a great pretender, not a fool. So I know they can see right through me. Sometimes fact is stranger then fiction. Maybe I will take your advice scarlett2001 and sell my story to the women channel. Thanks to everyone for lending me an ear!

Just to give you an idea of the type of "mind games" he played
-- he had me convinced that I was suffering from schizophrenia. I went to my doctor and told her that I thought that this is what was wrong with me. "I was convinced". She sent me to see a psychiatrist. It was a month before I could get into see him. When I did, he asked me what "I" thought my problem was. So I told him. He preceded to tell me that to make such a diagnosis would take 6 months. I was fine with that! "Frankly if I was suffering from such a thing then of course I want to get help". I saw him for 1 a year and a half. He put me on so many different types of medications that I felt like a walking advertisement for all the major pharmaceuticals companies. I felt like a guinea pig. I gained 35 lbs. So now 'not only did I think I was nuts,' I looked horrible to top it off. "It did wonders for my self-esteem, let me tell you!"
After every visit I felt like hell. I would walk out of there feeling as though there wasn't any hope for me.
Every visit was the same old crap rehashing things over and over again. To cut a long story short. He weaned me off the meds 'slowly.' (I’m still on a small dose of antidepressants) he asked me if I knew what schizophrenia was. He told me that people like 'him and I build castles in the air' A person that has schizophrenia lives in them. He assured me that I didnt fit the bill. He decided that I really didn’t need to come in week after week to rehash my wonderful married life, but he suggested that I continue with my meds and allow my GP to monitor them. I agreed. Before I left the office he said "my name" I have one more prescription for you to try. I said ‘ok’ he hands me prescription paper with the word DIVORCE written on it. When I first looked at it I though ‘what kind of med is this..?’ (I was prepared to see some weird medication written there) so it took me a sec to register. I laughed and cried at the same time. How’s that for crazy? So I know that leaving him is the answer. And he is sucking the life out of me! That I know.
I just dont know how to do it!

What you need is a therapist who will help you internalize that you are NOT crazy!
One who will work with you to understand your husband's behavior and your own responses to it, and then find better ways to cope.

As far as the depression --
I'd be willing to bet that leaving your abusive marriage will flat-out CURE your 'depression' --
Because right now, you've got VALID REASONS to be depressed!

Please try again with a new therapist and a new definition of the problem.

You present your concerns as layer upon layer of insoluble complexity. I don't see complexity or insolubility. I see pointless dithering on your part. You can't change him. He's not going to change. How do you want to live the rest of your life? You're going to have to decide and act some time. Why not now?

If its a money thing, I can tell you with certainty that whatever the money-problem may be, it's not worth it to go one like you've been. It doesn't really matter at this point who's to blame. Take charge of your life. Get out of there. Figure out the rest from a distance.

What I really do not understand is you have no problem whatever making stupid decisions and doing things you know will not turn out well and will make you unhappy, but you cannot force yourself to make good and logical decisions or do things that will make you happy. You prefer giving others control of your life anyway, so you might as well give all your power to your children, who are less likely to harm you in any way. You need someone to protect you from yourself. Tell them you need them to take care of everything for you and that you want them to tell you what to do. Caring children will make sure they get you out of that terrible predicament. Coming here is pointless because no one here can help and anything they say you already know. The rest can only be unkindness that you don't want, but again you seem to seek it out while claiming you don't want it. Maybe it is attention you need, and the worse type of attention you get the better you feel.

I personally do not need any more information. I'm having "information overload" already. I think you should leave him. I don't think people change that drastically that soon. The question you need to ask yourself is:

1. How do I want to live my life
2. Is the sex worth it
3. If money is an issue, will it be more expensive (both financial and emotional) to keep buying PI services, GPS trackers, computer trackers, etc. as well as doctor visits for STD's and the potential, inevitable (IMO) cost of having AIDS (both financial and physical)
4. Who am I, anyway? What kind of a person am I? What do I want?

Remember, we enter the world alone and we go out alone. There is no man who can save you. Even Superman doesn't stick around after going into the burning building. He flies away.

You need to pick up your dignity and get out. And unless you're willing to really look at your situation without those foggy, cracked, rose colored glasses I don't want to talk anymore. No offense, but I have no desire to discuss life with someone who is not willing to recognize lack of logic.

I hope you get some help, and fast.

Godspeed.

I'm not sure why this isn't totally obvious to anyone else but finedreams.

If Adia had registered the same day or day before, I'd be inclined to believe that also -- but she didn't. She registered almost a year ago.

And while I admit, some of the things she accuses her Husband of doing sound improbable, having survived an abusive marriage, I'll bear witness that some of the things these men do are down-right crazy! Really bizzare. Unfortunately, I don't have trouble believing them.

As I'm sure you've heard, the truth is stranger than fiction...

Posted by adia (My Page) on Thu, Mar 12, 09 at 15:21
I think you should really think of k*lling the bas***d

Here's what has me wondering -because I too have plugged products of great worth in my mind. It is the bait - name of product at the very end of long story, and when called on it, no follow up. That's the switch. That's when I turned to the most amazing product - Truth Be Gone.

I think some of you are being taken for a ride.

#2 amyfiddler
You are intitled to think/feel whatever you want with regard to my post. I really don’t care nor do I understand your hostility toward me. Whatever! Maybe directing your anger toward me is leaving someone in your family alone. I will not respond to any thing you write here again. I’m am trying to understand—you feel so much hostility toward me and yet you keep coming back and posting. That’s a little strange!
#3 Silverswood
I did reply to what asolo commented. And in fact I didn’t even know that "asolo was a man until you mentioned in the above post!
#4 turkeytrott
Thank you girlfriend for coming to my defense! It was sweet.
suzieque the comment you made reference to was sent to my good friend turkeytrott!
#5 sweeby
Thank you also for believing me! Some people are rather brutal…but to be honest I didn’t expect everyone to adore me or even like me. What some of these people have said kind of hurts, but it ticks me off at the same time… But I won’t lose sleep over it! In fact, I am thankful for your advice! This week has been a trying one to say the least. We have discussed putting the house on the market in the month of May.
And yes "money" has been an enormous issue!

(((((And for the people that are on here convinced that I was selling something.))))))) If I were, I would recommend a computer program that takes screen shots as well as log the key strokes! If anyone knows where I can get one please post it here so I can download it. Because I’m sure you or I can find one that’s been hacked. (I hear people do that kind of thing)

That is what I was referring to.

Pay attention to the house sale, sweetheart. He'll rake you over the coals on that deal, too. I anticipate you'll be back here with that topic in due course.

If you've decided to get out of there, don't be naive about it. If you have a contested divorce -- which you will -- the court will undo any inequitable claims anyway.

If you can do it amicably -- which I doubt, from your post -- that would be best and cheapest. However, don't think he's going to turn altruistic when he learns -- or even suspects -- you're leaving.

yes some people do bizzare stuff. A friend of mine was married to abusive (more emotional than physical) man and when she told me what he did, I couldn't believe my ears. She is not crazy and I know what she says it is true.

Like she would get ready for work, and her car would not start, so she opens her car her engine is gone. Her DH later admitted that he took it out to punish her for not talking to him nice enough a night before.

Then once she left her work and her car had her tires missing. She called the police, later it turns out her husband drove to her job earlier on and took tires off so she cannot drive. why? to punish for someting.

then another time he took her car keys wiht him, so she wouldn't be able to drive. so she had to miss work. why? to punish for something. Not like she worked in a strip club, she is an accountant, he just wanted to hurt her the most. She was getting in trouble at work for not showing up.

My friend was only married to him 2 years or so, he tried to stock her after she divorced him. he had grown daughters whom my friend got along nicely. only after she decided to divorce they told her that he mistreated their mom the same way, but they didn't say anything because it would sound they are jealous that daddy gets remarried and they hoped he changed his ways, he didn't.

yes there are crazy people, but if it is true story, aida stays for so many years wiht this man, not like a year or two, why?

And in regards to the "100% of the house" comment... don't believe it. My ex-h said the same thing. He's living in the house now. He never wants to leave!!! LOL!!! I can laugh about it now.. but boy was I pi**ed that he was such a liar!

I have a very important appointment coming on the 13th of this month.. I’ve been waiting 6 months to see this doctor for a serious matter pertaining to my health. I’m scared to death to go alone. So me. my "dumb, wacked out self" thought that he would have offered to take me. (what the hell is wrong with me turkeytrott?)

I dont believe him silversword!!!

I tried to talk to him this weekend with regards to the house. He didn’t respond, so I asked "are you going to leave it all up to me?" ‘Yes’ he said!!! Then he reminded me that "I was the one that wanted this marriage over with" "If only I would stop with my "suspicions"" we would never have a problem! He told me that it had been "years" since he’d been unfaithful to me! YEARS!!! (yet I have his phone bill proving that he called several escorts services, I also have him on TAPE calling a hooker to his room, I hear her when she comes in all the "small talk" then the rest of what that bas***d did with her) I was advised by my lawyer not to reveal any of this to him. Even though there is a thing called "no fault" divorce. It could be an ace in the hole ‘sort-to-speak’ when it comes to explaining that he was playing Russian roulette with my life every time he was intimate with me. I don’t know people I’ve been crying my freaking eyes out all freaking morning! This is so tough!

If you're really scared to go alone why not find a friend to go with you?

When are you going to leave him? I do feel for your situation but I'm of a different mindset. Get out, and get on with your life. There's nothing there for you but more heartache.

Our common sense should tell us to just get out and not torture ourselves at that point.

And, due respect to "...a serious matter pertaining to my health..." if you were willing to wait six months, how serious was it?

Do what needs to be done or don't. But, if you don't, you'll be consigning the balance of your life to a dung hill.

I'm betting your indecision is money-based because everything else between you is clearly in the toilet. Would love for you to tell me I'm wrong.