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Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Posted by adia (My Page) on
Sat, Mar 28, 09 at 23:13

I guess I need a nonbiased sounding board, so this is it.
I met my husband on the internet almost 11 years ago. We were both married (yea I know) He was in the United States and I was here in Ontario. I wasnt looking for anything outside my marriage. but my marriage was not a bed of roses. (Im not going to go on and on and give you the history of my other life. Because as I see it now, there was no excuse to end my marriage the way I did)
How does that saying go "hindsight is 20/20?" Well, I always tell people I have the smartest ass in town!
When I first started chatting with (my now new husband) I found him to be funny and somewhat charming. (I should have seen it coming) after talking to him on (ICQ) I dont know if there are any "old timers" out there that remember that chat program. He asked me to call him on the phone. I was a little shocked but I have to admit a little intrigued as well. So when the coast was clear I called him. I had mixed feelings at that time, and I was a little worried about my phone bill (couldnt let my husband know that I was chatting with some strange person from the US) so I asked him to call me (yea first mistake) I gave him my "home" number, and he did a little thing called "reverse look up" (I was very new to the internet and not aware of all the different utilities that were floating around out there) I gave him a fake city (same prefix) so he wouldnt catch on "yea, right" So the next night while I was chatting with him on ICQ he promptly said "I know where you live." I said "WHAT, HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT" so he went on to explain how he went about it. (#1 Clue) at that point I told him that it was best not to chat or call each other again and left it at that. Well the next day I checked my email and there was a 2 page letter telling me how sorry he was, that he was not a "creep" that I had nothing to worry about, that he finally met a "wonderful woman" (me) and he screwed it up. And to please give him another chance to prove that he was not some kind of freak or ax murder. So after mulling it over for a while I decided "to give him a chance" (gawd why didnt someone slap in the forehead and say I should have a V8) Butthen again, I dont think I was have listened, I was so miserable in my marriage (my husband was abusive) that to have a man say "nice" things to me was "WOW" out of this world!! I felt like a person again. (Someone actually wanted to hear what I had to say.AND not only that, they seemed interested I mean "really interested") I stepped a little lighter I smiled a little more etc (Keep in mind, neither of us knew what each other looked like. YET) so we continued our chats and phone calls. Somewhere in the middle of all that chatting I told him I used to be in a band and that I sing and write poetry and "Try" to write songs(Im not that good) so he talked me into sending him a sample So I sent him my most intimate poem/sonnet/short story thing. (I call it his blue print) Because everything I had written about i.e. Love, romance, sex, etc he personified my "dream man" (yea right) This seems a little like a novel doesnt it?
Well Im going to post thisand if its too long I will shorten it "cut to the chase" sort to speak.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Other than "look what a stupid thing I did", what's the point?


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

It's a cautionary tale. Go on, please, I'm listening.


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Part 2 of 100 Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

The point of this (pris)
Is to vent! You dont have to waste your time reading! I mean that with love!
Ok so for the next part

We finally managed to exchange pictures, apparently he liked what he saw ("me" not so much) but by this point I was totally taken with him. What I liked about him is that he also had a way with words. The more we got to know each other the more grew on me. We arranged to meet in a different town (he came to Canada on business) when I saw him I liked him. We spent the day together down by the lake. The day went on like one of those romance novels. It was wonderful. He had me hook line and sinker! I was afraid to kiss him but when I did he had the softest sweetest kiss ever! I was in love!
Things progressed pretty quickly. We started talking in May of 99, by Sept of 2000 I left my husband, my house the only thing I took with me (materially) was my furniture. Of course my children went with me. I gave my ex everything. I bought a little house for myself and my children. And my new American man moved in on Feb of 01.
Well lets see. He didnt have a job. But he had dependents in the US. When he did get a job he was bring in less than was he was sending his ex in the US. For example he was making 2000$ a month (Canadian) and sent his ex 1200 US EVERY month! He ran up my visa bill to the max, ran my van into the ground. Destroyed my credit to say the least.Oh. all with the promise that he would make things right again.

His got a better possession at work so he now had an expense account that he took full advantage of. But the money was still lacking, bills were not being paid on time etc.. Yes I still loved him (rolling eyes)
However I had a sneaking suspicion that he was up to no good. Spending 200 hundred dollars on lunches for "clients" didnt quite cut it for me. The suspicion grew and grew. (Oh I forgot to mention that he was a sex addict) I didnt know it at the time. It was a bit of a novelty to me since my ex and I had sex maybe 3 times a year! This was a cool change. To an extent, it got to be a little odd when he HAD to have sex 5, 6 sometimes 10 times a day. (I kid you not!) He would try and have sex with me when I was on the phone talking to my friends, my motherit didnt matter. And he loved to have sex out in the open. (Come on, I like adventure, but not to the extent that he did) But I went along with it for a while, I figured that the "newness" would ware off soon. (I hoped) and it did. But it happened WAY TOO FAST! So as time went on I got a little computer savvy and found this wonderful little program call "Ghost Key Logger"


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Ohhh! I knew it, I knew it!!!! LOL! suckers. :)


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Will you please just publish the whole stupid thing in it's entirety?

No, wait! Please just accept my response to whatever it may be, now: Ho hum. Now you can disappear and forget it.

Either this post is totally bogus or you are the western hemisphere's biggest idiot. If there's something in between, do let me know.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

sounds like a fake story to me. can't possibly be real.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Um, is it not obvious someone is selling a wonderful little program?


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Ohhhh... sign me up! How do I buy this wonderful program? Tell us more tell us more!!!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Its not a "stupid story" Its my life!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Just to clarify for any boneheads considering buying a product that will protect you from cheating. Here's a clue - you can not control another person. Pe.ri.od. Save your money and call a therapist instead, to figure out what is really going on in your marriage. If you picked an antisocial psycho, and you have nothing to do with his behavior, it's all him, then you'll benefit from understanding what it is about you that led you to pick such a person. You're not going to get any closer to peace in your life with a computer spy program. You'll just get closer to insanity.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Its not the answer, I agree with you amyfiddler! But this is my life! as messed up as it sounds, this is went went on...day after day after day.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 3)

When I put the logger on his computer I found out that he was on a dating site. His password was saved in this program so I was able to go on his profile and see what hed been up too. I found a correspondence between him and some woman from Huntsville Ont. He gave her his cell phone number and offered to have her to his hotel for breakfast. And proceeded to tell her how good he was at pleasing a woman. I felt like someone dropped a bucket of cold water down my back. I didnt know if I should scream or cry, honestly I didnt know what to do. I was devastated. I called him and told him what I found. I packed his clothes and threw them in the garage. He came home and cried, telling me that he was sorry, that nothing ever came of it. He would never do it again. Hes 65 ok so to see a man his size cry on my lap touched me. I was so in love with him that I wanted to believe every word he said! I gave him another chance. I asked him if he would show me his email. He was a little hesitant but did it just the same. And behold an email for this woman called "Janet" I cant remember what it said, but I remember she signed it "Warm hugs and wet kisses" I flipped! I slapped his arm and ran into our bedroom He came up behind me and ripped the closet door off and threw it at me. He missed. That was a side of him I never thought I witness. After everything cooled down we talked. He said sorry and that it would never happen again. That the email I read what the ruminant of the conversation he had had with her during the first contact. I wanted to believe him therefore I allowed myself to be talked into it. After all he could be telling me the truth. A short time after that we started getting phone calls; every time I picked up they would hang up (typical) I asked him if he had given out our home number. He swore up and down that he had not. (I still that that logger on his computer) I decided to check, and sure enough, he had written this Janet person and said.. "Look it, my wife found my passwords to my email so if its you calling the house please stop. My cell number is blah blah) I felt like an idiot for believing that he was telling me the truth. And yes like a horses backside I believe him when he said he was sorry "Ill never do it again honey, it was a moment of weakness and stupidity" As time went on things were ok but they were never "really ok" some people call it bull when they hear a woman say "you just know there is something going on" I knew! I felt it every time he looked at me, the way he talked to me, the way he touched me everything had changed! Even my friends noticed that something about him was different. Im great at pretending and lying to myself so I ignored it. I wanted to have this "fairytale" life where love was real between a husband and wife! I wanted it more then you can imagine! So I was suckered in AGAIN, and AGAIN and AGAIN. If you guys think Im an idiot now wait till you read on. (Please be nice, its painful to put this crap in print, especially out here where any tom dick or harry can read it and sit in judgment of me)
I forgot to mention we were not married YET. Even after all this crap I decided to marry him. For one I was afraid that he was going to get deported back to the US believe me you have no idea what kind of crap was going through my mind at that time. (Oh one point to add I was a very independent woman I had just left my band, I was a volunteer for our local youth group in our area, I organized this thing called a "Y" over. We had arranged for 40 kids and about 15 adults to have an all nighters for the kids I was in charge of setting up activities for them. I had a friend that had a black belt in karate to come and give the kids a "self defense" lesson the list is long. So some might say that I had a responsible head on my shoulders ) One thing I will mention just to give you the kind of mind set that I was living under with this man. Keep in mind he is 65 Im 58 give or take an inch. I have claustrophobia, so what he would do is (when we wrestled) he would wrap me up in the blanket and hold me till I would scream bloody murder. He would whisper in my ear "settle down quit fighting it" I would scratch and claw at him, I would go nuts! He would finally let me go when I started to cry. After he let me go he would say.. "Man you are stubborn, Im gonna break you of that one day"
What a mind game!!!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Adia,
Do you need advice, or are you giving it? What's your intention being on this board?


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I dont think Im in any possision to give anyone advice. I want advice. However I felt like I needed to give people background. I would love to get a males prospective. Thank you Silversword for asking an pointed question.!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

This really is a sad story and I'm torn between believing you or wondering if you are selling something....if you wanna talk, drop me a line.... http://www.liveperson.com/phill-davis or advice@abetterus.com

Here is a link that might be useful: A Better Us


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I swear my life sounds like a horrible "G" movie!
His reply was "Get over it" I was infuriated and hurt that he would say that. I yelled at him, he tried to walk away I stood in front of him. He pushed me out of the way without much trouble. He put on his leather jacket. And while he was bending down to put on his boots I slapped his back. (Thick leather jacket.58 versus 65) he didnt feel a darn thing. He turned around with boots in hand and kind of backhanded me with his boot. He cut open my nose I was bleeding so I ran upstairs and called 911. The police cameand guess what.I was arrested! Why? Because he was trying to leave and I was the first one to strike out. (Gotta love the small town mentality of police around here!) They took me to jailI spent 5 hrs in this tiny holding room, or whatever you call it. They told me that we couldnt be in the same house together. My parents live 3 hrs from here. They called him and he assured them that he would leave. They brought me home to an empty houseI felt beaten, abused numb. I wont go into the all the details with regard to that.

Yes I stayed with him. Oh my goodness you know somethingas I read what Im posting I feel like a total idiot. The moral of the story is. its 2009 and I am still with him he said he would stop all his fooling around but has yet to do so. As time goes by I feel more and more trapped, alone, scared and lost! I gave this man so much of myself that I dont even feel like a real person anymore. I know what I sound like I dont need any smart*ss telling me that I need to see a doctor! After reading all this what do you think?


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 4)

abetterus I'm not selling anything! This honestly is my life. I could go on and on... I hired PI's... I put a GPS in his car... I put a digital recorder in his suitcase. The PI never found anything because my husband is on the road so much and 15 cents a KM adds up. He just came back from one of his "trips" and I have him on tape calling an escort to his room. He doesnt know about that because I have so much to work out before I tell him I want a divorce. Im scared out of my witts. Im angry with myself for becoming so weak. Allowing him to take over my life they way he has. I gave him all the powerand Now I feel as though I have nothing left to build up from. I dont know if that makes any sense. I feel like Im losing my mind half the time.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 5)

abetterus
I dont have the means to pay 99 cents a min to talk to you, but thank you for the offer nonetheless


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

You want advice?
After typing this, you need advice?
What can we possibly tell you that you don't already know.

- This man is a serial cheater.
- He is controlling and physically abusive at times, and physical abuse escalates over time.
- The only time you are happy is when you are pretending he is something he's not. You recognize that you are pretending and admit as much.
- You know your husband's behavior is a result of WHO HE IS, and NOT the result of who you are or anything you're doing or not doing.
- You do know this won't change by itself, won't change because of anything you do or stop doing, and will only change if HE want's to change himself.
- He's said he wants to change and will stop -- but hasn't. Repeatedly.

Bottom line -- You know this is going to end unhappily. The only real question is how old you're going to be and how beaten down you're going to be (and perhaps who finally ends it) when it finally happens.

My advice? Leave on your own terms, and sooner rather than later.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Would anyone like to figure out when adia and abetterus signed on here? They're both selling stuff.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Amyfiddler with all due respect you are out in left field! I am not selling a darm thing! And for your information I signed up in June of 08!

Sweeby, I hear what your saying. I think about that all the time. What I posted here is just the tip of the iceburg. I wish I could pack up and leave him. It's not easy. So much garbage to sift through that I don't even know where to begin!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

No, it's not easy.
But how easy is your life now?

"I wish I could pack up and leave him."
You can. Thinking that you can't is always half the problem.
There will be sacrifices, of course, but the extra energy you get from reclaiming your life will be incredible.
(I know this from experience.)
And the difference it will make in your outlook will spill over to your kids, at work, your social life!
Frankly, there's a beautiful day out there! All you have to do is step outside and claim it.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

"I dont need any smart*ss telling me that I need to see a doctor!"

I may not be very smart but I am smart enough to see you're on your way to unrecoverable personal destruction. IMHO a competent Dr. that deals with such issues is exactly what you need as soon as you can possibly obtain the service. You're 3/4 of the way to nuts and Dr./therapist for you is looooong overdue. In the process of describing your SO's sickness, you've also described your own.

"After reading all this what do you think?"

I think you're foolish, incompetent, and perhaps fatally resistant to reasonable advice. Personally, the original post and follow-ups still read like a hoax to me. If even 1/2 of what you've written is based upon your actual reality, you need professional help at once -- and ongoing.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

If I'm in left field, my dear, then you are picking daisies. I echo asolo. What you need will not be found on a site like this, but rather at a rate of 150-200 per hour.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

You are a mean horrible person! Why do you feel the need to be so nasty? And last time I checked this "site" was not yours. So waste your time reading something else and let me talk to people who are nice!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 6)

Sweeby:

Every time I make up my mind to get on with my life, he makes a change. Be it naive or whatever you want to call it but I would like to think he "can" change. Logically I know Im beating a dead horse and he will never be the person he professed to be in the beginning. So now its mustering up enough courage to get my sh** together and move on. I know he has an addiction to sex, I think I have an addiction to him. I have to keep reminding myself of the reality of my situation. I know I dont want to grow old feeling regret that I didnt have the nerve to do what "I know" has to be done. Thanks for you kind words Sweeby, I appreciate it very much!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Normally Im man of little wordsmy wife likes it that way :)
Ive been reading your story Adia, in a way I understand where you are coming from with regard to the confusion
--should I stay! Or --should I go!
I was on the other side of the coin. My ex wife cheated on me with several men and this desperate need we feel for them to change is just that "our need" Your husband seems to be happy with the arrangement he has. He can come and go whenever he pleases and you are always going to be there and when hes in the mood to be "nice" as you put it it destroys all your resolve. I understand! I was in my marriage for 23 years. Its not easy. Nothing in this life ever is.
Im not going to bash you as a few small minded people have done on this forum. My reason for commenting on your lifes story is because I hear what you are saying. As sweeby said

There will be sacrifices, of course, but the extra energy you get from reclaiming your life will be incredible.
(I know this from experience.)
And the difference it will make in your outlook will spill over to your kids, at work, your social life!
Frankly, there's a beautiful day out there! All you have to do is step outside and claim it.

I agree 100% with what this person had to say. I understand completely when you say that you dont feel like a real person. You have to put more value in yourself, and tell yourself EVERY day that YOU are worth it! Reclaim your power and do what you know is going to make you a happier person. Well there you have it, my 2 cents ;) I hope things work out for you Adia!
On a light note-- ;) when life gives you lemons find a person with vodka :) Keep smiling Adia!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Asolo was pretty blunt and didn't waste words with diplomatic niceties --

But his bottom line advice was sound -
Professional help could be a lifesaver for you, and the very best investment you could ever make.

You already know (to some extent) that your marriage is doomed,
and that the 'man of your dreams' you occasionally see is mostly a creation of your own need and the rose-colored glasses you can occasionally keep on...
But sometimes just having a professional spell things out for us is the extra nudge it takes to get us moving.

I know I needed it. And thankfully, I got it!
I wasn't crazy - just desparately unhappy. Like you. So I went to the doctor!
And that's what finally got me moving in the right direction.

It's one thing to hear your friends say "He's a jerk!" --
But somehow very different to hear a professional describe the addictions and personality disorders that make his behavior intractable.

It's one thing to hear your friends say "He'll never change!"
But somehow very different to hear a professional describe exactly what steps would be needed and the strength and duration of committment it would take for your husband to actually make that change -- That is, after he has admitted he has a problem and wants to change, assuming he sticks with it.

My Ex's prognosis was ten years of 2x/week sessions IF he wanted to change. He didn't. And somehow, that gave me the 'permission' I needed to leave then and get on with my life. I knew I was not willing to invest another ten years of my life on a 'weak maybe'.

Please tell me you'll call to make an appointment with a professional therapist --
It'll be the best thing you've done for yourself in a long time.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Assuming this is true, I think you should:

1. Sell your story to the Lifetime for Women Channel. Your part could be played by Melissa Sue Gilbert.

2. Read what YOU wrote on this forum. If the answer to your problem isn't very, very obvious, then you are in deeper doogie than you think.

3. Think of your kids. Where are they in all this? What has this silliness and poor judgement done to them? I only see one little mention of them in all your posts.

4. Ask yourself if this was a one-time, temporary insanity kind of thing are are you this gullible in all your realtionships? Maybe you should call a time-out to "love" while you re-group and get some perspective.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Lighthouse09 said; Thank you for your encouraging words!

Sweeby: I have reached out to seek a professional help. As for as "depression" is concerned I am on an antidepressant which has helped me deal with the "sadness" Putting my life out here for people to read and critique is pretty painful I must admit. However what you lighthouse and asolo have said makes perfect sense. I know what I have to do, its just having enough faith in myself to get off my horse and do it.
As for my children, they are old enough to be on their own. One is a university grad, one is a college grad and one is on the way to university. I dont let on to my children about the things that are going on with me and my husband. I am a great pretender, not a fool. So I know they can see right through me. Sometimes fact is stranger then fiction. Maybe I will take your advice scarlett2001 and sell my story to the women channel. Thanks to everyone for lending me an ear!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Please acknowledge that what you've described is a whole lot more than depression. Such troubles as you've written about are not solved by pills.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I agree asolo! let me give you more insight

Just to give you an idea of the type of "mind games" he played
-- he had me convinced that I was suffering from schizophrenia. I went to my doctor and told her that I thought that this is what was wrong with me. "I was convinced". She sent me to see a psychiatrist. It was a month before I could get into see him. When I did, he asked me what "I" thought my problem was. So I told him. He preceded to tell me that to make such a diagnosis would take 6 months. I was fine with that! "Frankly if I was suffering from such a thing then of course I want to get help". I saw him for 1 a year and a half. He put me on so many different types of medications that I felt like a walking advertisement for all the major pharmaceuticals companies. I felt like a guinea pig. I gained 35 lbs. So now 'not only did I think I was nuts,' I looked horrible to top it off. "It did wonders for my self-esteem, let me tell you!"
After every visit I felt like hell. I would walk out of there feeling as though there wasn't any hope for me.
Every visit was the same old crap rehashing things over and over again. To cut a long story short. He weaned me off the meds 'slowly.' (Im still on a small dose of antidepressants) he asked me if I knew what schizophrenia was. He told me that people like 'him and I build castles in the air' A person that has schizophrenia lives in them. He assured me that I didnt fit the bill. He decided that I really didnt need to come in week after week to rehash my wonderful married life, but he suggested that I continue with my meds and allow my GP to monitor them. I agreed. Before I left the office he said "my name" I have one more prescription for you to try. I said ok he hands me prescription paper with the word DIVORCE written on it. When I first looked at it I though what kind of med is this..? (I was prepared to see some weird medication written there) so it took me a sec to register. I laughed and cried at the same time. Hows that for crazy? So I know that leaving him is the answer. And he is sucking the life out of me! That I know.
I just dont know how to do it!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Sounds like you went to a professional with the wrong problem, and unfortunately, that doctor allowed you to self-diagnose.
Very wrong - especially when you factor in the kinds of drugs he probably gave you.

What you need is a therapist who will help you internalize that you are NOT crazy!
One who will work with you to understand your husband's behavior and your own responses to it, and then find better ways to cope.

As far as the depression --
I'd be willing to bet that leaving your abusive marriage will flat-out CURE your 'depression' --
Because right now, you've got VALID REASONS to be depressed!

Please try again with a new therapist and a new definition of the problem.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

With all the information/experience you already have, I am frankly baffled at your apparent inability to decide and act. Whatever that inability is, that's your nut. Find somebody to straighten out your head on that issue and the rest will fall into place. Can you say why you've chosen this mental paralysis instead of rational thinking and action? Is it fear? Doubt? Hope? What's the barrier? If your daughter was doing as you've done, what would tell her?

You present your concerns as layer upon layer of insoluble complexity. I don't see complexity or insolubility. I see pointless dithering on your part. You can't change him. He's not going to change. How do you want to live the rest of your life? You're going to have to decide and act some time. Why not now?

If its a money thing, I can tell you with certainty that whatever the money-problem may be, it's not worth it to go one like you've been. It doesn't really matter at this point who's to blame. Take charge of your life. Get out of there. Figure out the rest from a distance.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Reading from the time that you first began writing your story, my first thought was that this cannot be real, that you are writing a book and looking for feelers to see if it would sell. I didn't want to be your guinea pig, so I didn't respond. I still don't know if this is real, especially with the last post about the doctor's divorce description. Just too theatrical and the cherry on top of the fictitious mud sundae. But if by some chance it is real, I will say there was no point in seeking any responses here. It is evident you know what your problem is and it's also evident you are incapable of taking charge of your own life. The only thing I can think to say is you need someone to do it for you, so find someone you can trust, perhaps a family member. You say you have not told your children but they are still aware, then go on and confide in them and enlist their help.

What I really do not understand is you have no problem whatever making stupid decisions and doing things you know will not turn out well and will make you unhappy, but you cannot force yourself to make good and logical decisions or do things that will make you happy. You prefer giving others control of your life anyway, so you might as well give all your power to your children, who are less likely to harm you in any way. You need someone to protect you from yourself. Tell them you need them to take care of everything for you and that you want them to tell you what to do. Caring children will make sure they get you out of that terrible predicament. Coming here is pointless because no one here can help and anything they say you already know. The rest can only be unkindness that you don't want, but again you seem to seek it out while claiming you don't want it. Maybe it is attention you need, and the worse type of attention you get the better you feel.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1) correction

I meant to say "the doctor's divorce prescription" not description.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

oh com'n people. you think it is real? she was arrested after her boyfriend/husband beat her up? LOL at least they would both be arrested. apparently her children are university graduates. i find it hard to believe. he tortures her by wrapping her up in a blanket. com'n no one is that stupid. I think she came here to cell ghost key locker but people didn't get excited she proceeded making up stuff.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Well I for one can tell you that her story is very real. I know it really does not sound true but it is. I have been friends with her for alot of years. We chummed together when she was in her first marriage and I can tell you I know he did abuse her. When she started talked to her current husband I tried to tell her don't do this it is crazy of course she did not listen. The first time I met him I said to my hubby he is an idiot, boy did he ever prove to be one. Current husband is a total jackas? They no longer live near me so we are computer/phone buddies and I have begged her to leave the idiot before she dies from Aids. He is truly the idiot she describes and she has caught him in many lies. I have been a member of this sight for a long while now and no she did not ask me to write to this, I happen to go on this morning to check if any more comments had been written about a rescent post of mine. I would love nothing more then for her to leave the idiot and I hope that someday she finds the strength to do so but until then I will still listen and yes everytime she says something I do push her to get out of the hell she lives in.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Adia,
You wanted advice from a male perspective. Asolo gave it. You did not respond. That tells me that you don't really want advice.

I personally do not need any more information. I'm having "information overload" already. I think you should leave him. I don't think people change that drastically that soon. The question you need to ask yourself is:

1. How do I want to live my life
2. Is the sex worth it
3. If money is an issue, will it be more expensive (both financial and emotional) to keep buying PI services, GPS trackers, computer trackers, etc. as well as doctor visits for STD's and the potential, inevitable (IMO) cost of having AIDS (both financial and physical)
4. Who am I, anyway? What kind of a person am I? What do I want?

Remember, we enter the world alone and we go out alone. There is no man who can save you. Even Superman doesn't stick around after going into the burning building. He flies away.

You need to pick up your dignity and get out. And unless you're willing to really look at your situation without those foggy, cracked, rose colored glasses I don't want to talk anymore. No offense, but I have no desire to discuss life with someone who is not willing to recognize lack of logic.

I hope you get some help, and fast.

Godspeed.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

So....
Go back to the original 2 posts. You have this dramatic reading, which abruptly ends with a reference to a product. Does that make any kind of sense? Then, when called on it, there is never again any reference to it, and the story develops from there with the poster taking a victim stance.

I'm not sure why this isn't totally obvious to anyone else but finedreams.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Possibly, Amyfiddler.
But I've also highly recommended a few specific products and companies on these forums before. Why? Because I thought they were fabulous, and they really made a difference for me.

If Adia had registered the same day or day before, I'd be inclined to believe that also -- but she didn't. She registered almost a year ago.

And while I admit, some of the things she accuses her Husband of doing sound improbable, having survived an abusive marriage, I'll bear witness that some of the things these men do are down-right crazy! Really bizzare. Unfortunately, I don't have trouble believing them.

As I'm sure you've heard, the truth is stranger than fiction...


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

The only other post that Adia has made on this forum, at least according to Search results, is the following. It is in response to someone asking about that person's husband chatting with his ex-fiance on Facebook. I agree with amyfiddler, btw.

Posted by adia (My Page) on Thu, Mar 12, 09 at 15:21
I think you should really think of k*lling the bas***d


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Not sure why I compulsively return to this, but it is what it is. Anyway, no doubt I could believe any story. Particularly because if you knew mine, you'd be hard pressed to believe it as well. Aside from that, it's not the content of this story that has me doubting - in fact, I couldn't retell the story because I skimmed most of after the plug.

Here's what has me wondering -because I too have plugged products of great worth in my mind. It is the bait - name of product at the very end of long story, and when called on it, no follow up. That's the switch. That's when I turned to the most amazing product - Truth Be Gone.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

My take from her first post on March 12 (pasted above) is that Adia 1) tries to be funny and/or 2) likes to get a rise out of people.

I think some of you are being taken for a ride.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Or at the very least, hystrionic.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Well, let's see if she comes back...


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

#1-- The woman I said that too happens to be a friend of mine! That was in reference to a joke she and I were talking about over the phone with regard to my husband.

Posted by suzieque (My Page) on
Thu, Apr 2, 09 at 17:35
The only other post that Adia has made on this forum, at least according to Search results, is the following. It is in response to someone asking about that person's husband chatting with his ex-fiance on Facebook. I agree with amyfiddler, btw.
Posted by adia (My Page) on Thu, Mar 12, 09 at 15:21
I think you should really think of k*lling the bas***d

#2 amyfiddler
You are intitled to think/feel whatever you want with regard to my post. I really dont care nor do I understand your hostility toward me. Whatever! Maybe directing your anger toward me is leaving someone in your family alone. I will not respond to any thing you write here again. Im am trying to understandyou feel so much hostility toward me and yet you keep coming back and posting. Thats a little strange!
#3 Silverswood
I did reply to what asolo commented. And in fact I didnt even know that "asolo was a man until you mentioned in the above post!
#4 turkeytrott
Thank you girlfriend for coming to my defense! It was sweet.
suzieque the comment you made reference to was sent to my good friend turkeytrott!
#5 sweeby
Thank you also for believing me! Some people are rather brutalbut to be honest I didnt expect everyone to adore me or even like me. What some of these people have said kind of hurts, but it ticks me off at the same time But I wont lose sleep over it! In fact, I am thankful for your advice! This week has been a trying one to say the least. We have discussed putting the house on the market in the month of May.
And yes "money" has been an enormous issue!

(((((And for the people that are on here convinced that I was selling something.))))))) If I were, I would recommend a computer program that takes screen shots as well as log the key strokes! If anyone knows where I can get one please post it here so I can download it. Because Im sure you or I can find one thats been hacked. (I hear people do that kind of thing)


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Adia, Asolo wrote "You present your concerns as layer upon layer of insoluble complexity. I don't see complexity or insolubility. I see pointless dithering on your part. You can't change him. He's not going to change. How do you want to live the rest of your life? You're going to have to decide and act some time. Why not now?...Can you say why you've chosen this mental paralysis instead of rational thinking and action? Is it fear? Doubt? Hope? What's the barrier? If your daughter was doing as you've done, what would tell her?"

That is what I was referring to.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

"We have discussed putting the house on the market in the month of May.
And yes "money" has been an enormous issue!"

Pay attention to the house sale, sweetheart. He'll rake you over the coals on that deal, too. I anticipate you'll be back here with that topic in due course.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

(asolo) According to him,(my husband) he said that he would give me 100% of the money from the house. I went to see a lawyer for a free consultation today. He said we have to get this on paper. In his experience he told me that husbands say a lot of things, but when the ball starts to roll the stories change. Whats funny (its not funny at all) but, since I posted my life on this forum... it forced me to take a hard look at my life. Ive read and re-read what I wrote about 30 times. As I read it I started to think "What the hell am I doing?" so I called the lawyer. I dont know how this is going to turn out. I hope and pray that its over quick. I'm scared out of my wits... I just know that I can't live my life feeling like this day in and day out!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Don't be silly about this. As soon as your husband sees that paper, he'll know what's coming next and will act in his own self-interest.

If you've decided to get out of there, don't be naive about it. If you have a contested divorce -- which you will -- the court will undo any inequitable claims anyway.

If you can do it amicably -- which I doubt, from your post -- that would be best and cheapest. However, don't think he's going to turn altruistic when he learns -- or even suspects -- you're leaving.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

"I'll bear witness that some of the things these men do are down-right crazy! Really bizzare"

yes some people do bizzare stuff. A friend of mine was married to abusive (more emotional than physical) man and when she told me what he did, I couldn't believe my ears. She is not crazy and I know what she says it is true.

Like she would get ready for work, and her car would not start, so she opens her car her engine is gone. Her DH later admitted that he took it out to punish her for not talking to him nice enough a night before.

Then once she left her work and her car had her tires missing. She called the police, later it turns out her husband drove to her job earlier on and took tires off so she cannot drive. why? to punish for someting.

then another time he took her car keys wiht him, so she wouldn't be able to drive. so she had to miss work. why? to punish for something. Not like she worked in a strip club, she is an accountant, he just wanted to hurt her the most. She was getting in trouble at work for not showing up.

My friend was only married to him 2 years or so, he tried to stock her after she divorced him. he had grown daughters whom my friend got along nicely. only after she decided to divorce they told her that he mistreated their mom the same way, but they didn't say anything because it would sound they are jealous that daddy gets remarried and they hoped he changed his ways, he didn't.

yes there are crazy people, but if it is true story, aida stays for so many years wiht this man, not like a year or two, why?


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correction

I meant to say her DH took some parts of car engine out-somehting what is important whatever that was, not the whole engine. LOL


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Wondered about that FD ;-)


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I wouldn't be surprised. That guy was wacko enough to take the whole engine out. :)


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

My dad would take the distributor cap when he didn't want me driving!!!

And in regards to the "100% of the house" comment... don't believe it. My ex-h said the same thing. He's living in the house now. He never wants to leave!!! LOL!!! I can laugh about it now.. but boy was I pi**ed that he was such a liar!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I gotta tell you, this weekend was hell! We didnt say much to each other. He informed me that he was leaving on Wednesday for Ottawa for the entire week. Im ok with that.

I have a very important appointment coming on the 13th of this month.. Ive been waiting 6 months to see this doctor for a serious matter pertaining to my health. Im scared to death to go alone. So me. my "dumb, wacked out self" thought that he would have offered to take me. (what the hell is wrong with me turkeytrott?)

I dont believe him silversword!!!

I tried to talk to him this weekend with regards to the house. He didnt respond, so I asked "are you going to leave it all up to me?" Yes he said!!! Then he reminded me that "I was the one that wanted this marriage over with" "If only I would stop with my "suspicions"" we would never have a problem! He told me that it had been "years" since hed been unfaithful to me! YEARS!!! (yet I have his phone bill proving that he called several escorts services, I also have him on TAPE calling a hooker to his room, I hear her when she comes in all the "small talk" then the rest of what that bas***d did with her) I was advised by my lawyer not to reveal any of this to him. Even though there is a thing called "no fault" divorce. It could be an ace in the hole sort-to-speak when it comes to explaining that he was playing Russian roulette with my life every time he was intimate with me. I dont know people Ive been crying my freaking eyes out all freaking morning! This is so tough!


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

No fault divorce is just that, I'm sorry to say. It doesn't matter what he did and with whom.

If you're really scared to go alone why not find a friend to go with you?

When are you going to leave him? I do feel for your situation but I'm of a different mindset. Get out, and get on with your life. There's nothing there for you but more heartache.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

I am sorry for anyone who's been mistreated, but when you start spying on each other, things are pretty bad.

Our common sense should tell us to just get out and not torture ourselves at that point.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Good luck to you, adia. You already know in your heart what must be done.


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RE: Once a Cheater Always a Cheater (part 1)

Aida, I don't know how to communicate with people like you. What has to happen before you're willing to act?

And, due respect to "...a serious matter pertaining to my health..." if you were willing to wait six months, how serious was it?

Do what needs to be done or don't. But, if you don't, you'll be consigning the balance of your life to a dung hill.

I'm betting your indecision is money-based because everything else between you is clearly in the toilet. Would love for you to tell me I'm wrong.


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