Arranged Marriages...

17 years ago

Do you think that you would do a better job than your son or daughter if "you" (mom) chose their spouse? How about if their dad chose? How would he do?

And how do you think your mom or dad would have done for you if they had chosen "your" spouse?

It would be great to hear from people who have had arranged marriages, and to hear how they are doing.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (19)

azzalea
17 years ago
Technically, ours wasn't an arranged marriage, but let me tell you our story.

My dad had a friend who he'd known from about age 10. Best buddies. They grew up, were still friends. Got married. Both couples were pregnant with their first-born, due within a few days of each other. My dad named me so that if I married his friend's son, my married name would be the same as that of his favorite movie star. After we were born, when we were about 4/5 weeks old (I really don't recall--LOL), they introduced us.

We grew up, but weren't pushed together. As a matter of fact, we knew about each other, but saw each other only occasionally (we lived in adjoining towns, so weren't thrown together in school, or anything). When we were 17, we happened to meet after not seeing each other for many years. We both had an instant crush on the other (had we bonded as infants?)--but were too young, too shy to do anything about it. Didn't see each other for about 5 more years, when our paths crossed once more. At that point, we both decided independently, that we were going to do whatever it took to get to know the other better. We started dating within the week, were going steady after 3 weeks, got engaged a year later, and married 6 months after that.

We're STILL together, still madly in love, after 34 years of marriage. We often joke to friends that we had an 'arranged marriage'. We didn't--no one ever pushed us to date or marry--but if they HAD....

Anyway, looks like Dad did a pretty good job picking out my husband, before we were ever born. I can't complain.

Not something I'd ever do for (to?) my dd, though. I think everyone should have the opportunity to meet and fall in love on their own. I just hoped that she'd not jump into an early marriage, since at 18, 19, 20, one still has SO much growing up to do. Of course, that wasn't too likely as she's always told us that we were WAY too young to marry (we were 23). She's now in her mid-20's and picky enough to still be looking for her perfect mate. Hope their paths will cross soon, for her.
coolmama
17 years ago
No.I dont believe in arranged marriages. It is hard enough to do good in a marriage where you already know the person and have a chemical/physical attraction. Throwing two people together and hoping for the best is not my style. I respect cultures who do it,but it is not something I wish for my own child.
Related Discussions
when is it time to go? (LONG one, but please help)
Q
Comments (10)
Definitely...get out. Don't waste any more of your precious life with this man, and get your son out of a situation that he very well might repeat when he marries. Not necessarily the alcoholism, but how he thinks relationships should be. Not to mention the obvious effects things are having on him right now. Two suggestions: 1. Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and GO. Even if you don't like the first meeting, GO again. Attend at least 4 or more meetings, you will get something out of them. 2. Get one or both of Patricia Evan's books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out. If they don't have them at a bookstore near you, you can get them on Amazon. When I read them, it was as if *my* marriage was being described. Here is her website. Your line: "When I try to explain to him how I feel, he either ignores me or gives me all of the reasons why it is wrong for me to feel that way." is SO typical of what abusers to to their victims, telling them how to feel, and that their perceptions are wrong. They also have a great talent for twisting things around so the issue at hand is YOUR fault. I wasted 10 years of my life hoping/thinking my soon to be ex would change. Never happened, because they DON'T CHANGE. They enjoy what they do, and it works for them. He's now got his sights on wife #3, who I'm sure will also divorce him. I would love to warn this poor woman, but I know she won't listen. He is SO charming and wonderful at first. Don't let your parents or anyone else influence you. YOU are the one living this! YOU are the one suffering. YOUR SON is suffering. I am pretty sure your husband doesn't treat anyone else like he treats you. Everyone else thinks he's a great guy, right? Finally, please re-read your post. In the first two paragraphs you describe what is really an intolerable, unhealthy and dangersous situation. In the last paragraph, you make excuses for him and actually blame yourself somewhat. Really, you do. Please recognize that none of this is your fault. He CHOOSES to be this way, and if you don't think so, consider that he only treats *you* badly, not anyone else. So he can absolutely control his behavior, he simply chooses not to. And you do not OWE him anything because you are a SAHM. Don't ever let anyone (including yourself) think that way. Please seek some help. Go to Al Anon. Read some books on Domestic Violence. Call a local women's shelter to get information on resources in your area. Look at the NDVH website. Just because he hasn't actually hit you makes no difference. He is abusing you emotionally, and in most cases, this will escalate to physical. Besides that, most agree that verbal and emotional abuse is much worse than physical. Finally, use another computer for this. If he has access, he can see what you have been doing, including websites and email. He can easily install a Keylogger, which will record everything you do, and they are undetectable. That might sound alarmist, but better safe than sorry. If you can't use a friend's computer, your local library has them. Good luck to you, and never forget, HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
...See More
I'm totally blown away by people's generosity (longish story)
Q
Comments (30)
Thank you for this story, that lifts one's spirit in these difficult times, Nicole. And thank you for your kindness to the lady. Does she have an easy chair? I think that I have one here ... and a chesterfield, but I can't put that into my car. Does she have some skills that she can use? Though many are helpful ... would that more people in our society were so willing to help others when they are in need. Good wishes to you and Claude and your young ones ... and to the lady and her young ones, as well. Please let her know of the good wishes expressed for her, by several persons, here. ole joyful
...See More
So would YOU have ever considered being married at first sight?
Q
Comments (22)
Ravencajun, there was a divorce in the first year's show. The couple hadn't merged thoroughly, and were only together about a month and a half, so I'm guessing it was just one of those walk away with what you brought situations. They may also have them sign pre-nups off camera. The harder part would be if this weren't "an experiment" and a TV show where they're told they have to decide to stay together or split at the end of the show's timeline. I always wondered what that meant, and it may be that the show pays for the divorce if they decide to split at that time, or something like that. After that, it's like any divorce. :) Pickyshopper, for a TV show, I agree with you 100%. There's a certain amount of peril in being legally wed in a state where divorces take time. Peril makes for great drama. In answering, "So would YOU have ever considered being married at first sight?"my answer is no, but I might have considered being engaged and committing to a goal of marriage. What I definitely would not have ever done is do it on TV! My cultural underpinnings take engagements very seriously, and marriages even more so. I couldn't go into a marriage with the idea that if it just doesn't work out we'll decide to divorce in six weeks. This is also why Jewish couples usually have the signing of the marriage contract (which is, essentially, a symbolic pre-nup, but some people make it their actual pre-nups) right before the wedding. It has as much weight as a marriage, and is as hard to undo, so they wait until they're really sure they're going through with it. :)
...See More
What if your parents had chosen your mate?
Q
Comments (37)
>but it does seem that the inlaw drama is virtually nonexistent, again, maybe b/c decision to commit is a group rather than a couple effort.>> For Asians there is a cultural difference in viewing marriage. A woman LEAVES her family and marries INTO her husband's. There is "in law" tension but it is not something you are ever going to see unless you know one of the principals very, very, very well. Asians do not display 'dirty laundry' in public; it is a serious "loss of face" for a family's reputation. One of the biggest tension points between me and my in-laws was that I am thoroughly American in attitudes and upbringing, and they were very traditionalist Asian; e.g., the social equivalent of my grandparents who emigrated to the U.S. in the late 1880's. It wasn't easy for them to accept a DIL who was a different religion and non-Chinese. I give them full kudos for doing it graciously. But as I said to a friend once, "It wouldn't break their hearts if I died in a car crash and DH married his father's goddaughter, the way they secretly wanted him to."
...See More
suzieque
17 years ago
What a great story, azzalea.
patti43
17 years ago
I love your story too, azzalea. Hope you have many more happy years together.
shwetagarg
17 years ago
Mine is an arrange marraige. And from wht i have seen married life is not easy anyways . The only consolation one has in an arrange marriage is that they can belame their parents to wht ever they r going through but in love marriage i guess they belame themselves.
Well when both know and accept that there wil be differnces in opinions and likes and dislikes all wil be fine. But i wud like to point one thing ...when going for arrange marriage make ur expectations clear. and convey to the person concerned as wht do u want from the other person. Let them contemplate if they fit in to expectations . and then let them decide.
rikkyo
16 years ago
Arranged marriages are not unusual in the culture where I am from. And even in the Bible, for a great example, some of people were arranged to marry (Abraham asked his servant to find a wife for his son, IsaacÂwritten in the book of Genesis.) Most of wise parents know what a son/a daughter needs to have in their life. I know some people from my culture who arranged marriage and live happily. If you have a strong connection such as the same faith, I believe the marriage will last forever even if it was arranged. GOOD LUCK !!!!
vintagegardener
16 years ago
When I read this post I felt the need to reply.This is a second marriage for both of us.The first time around we both had weddings with our ex's.

The second time around my DH had an arranged wedding.I contaced the JP and inquired about a marriage license.When he came home from work.I proposed to him and he said yes.That has been almost 23 years ago.If I had waited on him to ask me we would still be living together.

That is how my DH had an arranged wedding.Little did he know that while he was at work that day.I was planning our arranged wedding.

I know this is not the "arranged" wedding that the OP is talking about, but this is our arranged wedding.
sweeby
16 years ago
Whatever works!

And I gotta say, I like your style!
honeyb2
16 years ago
The idea of my parents picking out my husband? Unthinkable! The idea of me picking out mates for my children? Brilliant!
mom2emall
16 years ago
I have known quite a few people with arranged marriages. One was a girl that I worked with. When she was 16 she went with family to another country for a family members wedding. While she was there a man met her and was interested and her family arranged the marriage less than 2 weeks later. She told me of her horrified experience of consumating their vows on their wedding night, since this man was a complete stranger who was almost 30. After marrying him, her mother sent her to bed with this man and gave her a pin, told her if she did not bleed as she was supposed to then she needed to prick herself somewhere (maybe a finger?) and put blood on the sheets! The girl did tell me that she was "lucky" because her marriage was a good one, because this man does treat her well. Her cousin had an arranged marriage and gets beaten, but the family does not believe in divorce.

I also know an older couple with grown kids that are friends of my family. They had a marriage arranged by their parents. He has always been unfaithful to her, bringing random women over to my parents house and out with my family when I was growing up. Always made me feel bad for his kids and wife! As we got older his kids would tell me how mean their father was to their mother and even they knew about affairs!

So, I guess that my experience with arranged marriages is that 1 out of 3 that I know of are good. (guess that is almost right there with regular marriage statistics!)
emmhip
16 years ago
One of my co-workers has an arranged marriage and she seems quite happy. She is from India, and at our summer picnic told my friend and I about it. We were shocked! I guess it is normal in her culture, I just didn't really think about it much. She told us that they do it by horoscope and caste. (Cue me and my unmarried friend: HUH????) She was apparently very sheltered growing up and although she is very book smart, she has no common sense. She grew up with a maid and a cook. Her mother stayed with her for 6 months after she had a baby to do everything. When her mother left, she basically freaked out. At work sometimes she needs me to find the creamers for her coffee for her (which is just weird). Then she proceeds about her day as a software engineer. Once a group of us were talking about marriage and she said, "you have to realize that there are going to be problems and tough times. There will also be good times and happy times. This is marriage, this is what you signed on for." This from a woman who needs help with her coffee.
bnicebkind
Original Author
16 years ago
honey2be...I agree!
scarlett2001
16 years ago
Ditto, HoneyB2.

I think marriage is a pig in a poke no matter how you do it. First of all, people usually get married when they are young and then they keep evolving and changing and pretty soon the person you meet at the breakfast table is not the one you knew at the altar, and neither are you. You may as well use astrology or numerology or your shoe size divided by his IQ or whatever. Sure, you can do this or that to make it work, a ton of people have made their fortunes trying to sell marriage adjustments: Dr. Phil and Dr.Laura and Dr.Whomever. But when it all comes down, you're either lucky or you aren't.
amyfiddler
16 years ago
Lucky? I think not. That leaves all us generally unlucky people without hope- it just isn't so.

Little story. A boy sits in an airplane terminal, watching people come and go. He sees a man reunite with his family- several children and a wife- they hug and kiss and chatter - the boy stares, watching the scene - the man looks over at the boy and smiles. Embarassed for staring, the boy says, "excuse me. Looks like you're very happy - I hope I'm so lucky one day." The man stops smiling and looks at the boy very seriously and says, "son, my happiness is not luck. It is a choice."

I believe in creating your own reality - if your spouse is willing (and it may require your change first for him or her to be willing), you can make your marriage better than you could have ever imagined. Mine was once grounds for many a divorce - now it is the sweetest, deepest most precious thing - after years of tears, pain and willingness to become someone new. I believe any marriage can be happy, arranged, or otherwise. It just requires you to want to be happy, and to want it badly enough to do something about it.

Granted some people are "unlucky" enough to get the angry wife beater type, but that's not what I'm talking about - that statistic is relatively small compared to the number of people who are just stuck and generally unhappy.
popi_gw
16 years ago
Yep, I have to agree with Amy, here.

The secret to a successful life, including marriage, is knowing how to make yourself happy. If you are happy you can weather any storm and come out shining.

Since I have headed down the "happy road", things are rosey.
scarlett2001
16 years ago
And what if the shoe just doesn't fit? Or you choose the Happy Face and the other person doesn't? It's not that simple.
amyfiddler
16 years ago
No, to say 'put on a happy face and all will be well' is misleading. No one in their right mind would agree to such a philosophy -

However, it must be aknowleged that often times, people don't recognize the power they have in themselves /the relatnshp to make changes.

In an arranged marriage, there is the assumption that marriage is an agreement, rather than a romantic bond. Philosophically, that agreement requires a lot of work - and where in the western world we believe that there must be feelings of affection to make the marriage work, the arranged marriage would suggest that, even though there are not necessarily fuzzy feelings of affection, a union and commitment and family solidarity can still exist. Sometimes, such commitment leads to those feelings of affection.

We could use some of that philosophy here, where it seems that when the feelings are dead or even waning, perhaps it's not 'meant to be' and there might be greener pastures elsewhere - it's difficult to find reasons to trudge through life's pain, and the hardships of a long term marriage, when divorce is commonplace for reasons of "I just didn't love him any more" or "I found love elsewhere".

No simple answers, but we cannot ignore the fact that divorce in the US is commonplace, and it might have something to do with our emphasis on "me" and on "feelings" rather than on "us" and "work" and "what can I do differently"-

Note, i'm not talking about the beaten woman who thinks that making a better meal will stop the beatings, so let's not go there! LOL
shortgirl
11 years ago
I am a living proof of an arranged marriaged. When my mother told me that she picked out a guy for me, I was saying no no no.....but she gave me details about him, and I agreed to meet. The guy didn't talk very much and I didn't like him at first. Well, he was nice and kept asking me out and after 1 year of dating, we set a date. That was over 20 years ago and I never regret... I am very happy with him.
He is very gentle and a hard working man. Doesn't smoke or drinking, he helps me with so many things around the house and gave me the whole paycheck every 2 weeks.

Shortgirl
mkroopy
11 years ago
"he helps me with so many things around the house and gave me the whole paycheck every 2 weeks"

Yep...sounds like incurable love to me!!

Arranged Marriages...

Comments (19)

azzalea

coolmama

Related Discussions

suzieque

patti43

shwetagarg

rikkyo

vintagegardener

sweeby

honeyb2

mom2emall

emmhip

bnicebkind
Original Author

scarlett2001

amyfiddler

popi_gw

scarlett2001

amyfiddler

shortgirl

mkroopy

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Arranged Marriages...

Comments (19)

Related Discussions

bnicebkindOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

bnicebkind
Original Author