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I am really lonely

Posted by bellegirl (My Page) on
Wed, Mar 7, 07 at 20:19

I posted before about the lack of sex in my marriage and that is a big part of it. But if my husband would be more affectionate it wouldn't be impossible. You know, if he would give me hugs when I leave for work or things like that. There isn't ANY expression of affection or closeness and I guess that is because there isn't any of that any more. I just hate that!

I've been thinking a lot since I posted before about what you people said in your answers and also things that have happened. I think the thing that is killing me is that I'm just so lonely. I didn't think you would be lonely if you were married. But I really am.

I go to work every day and I'm gone from home for over 10 hours. My husband is retired and he has lots of friends. A lot of times he isn't home when I get there. He is out with his friends. On weekends he usually spends most of the days with his friends. He is usually gone from before I get up til 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Well, what do you think? I think he doesn't really want to be with me. I usually spend the weekends cleaning the house and doing chores like grocery shopping, laundry or cooking ahead for the week. It isn't a lot of fun really but it has to be done. If I don't do those things on the weekends they just don't get done. I can't stand to live in a nasty house so I do it even though it isn't my idea of a fun weekend.

We don't fight or argue. Neither one of us enjoys that. And we usually just have a little conversation when he gets home in the evening about what we did all day and such. And then it's separate corners. He sits in front of the TV and goes to sleep. I go online or read or sit on the porch.

More and more we are sleeping in separate rooms. He was just staying on the couch in the living room - it's pretty comfy. But lately one or other of us has been going to the guest room. I go because he kicks. He snores and I don't really mind that. I grew up with a Daddy who snored and it was kind of comforting, you know? But when my husband snores he kicks. When he makes a loud noise he wiggles around and usually kicks me - as if it was me who was making the noise. He says I snore and maybe I do. I don't know cause I'm asleep. But I know he does and he kicks. So when he is already in bed I will usually go to the guest room. Sometimes he does that too when I go to bed before he does.

Anyway, I'm just so lonesome. There are people at work that I know. We don't socialize after work. And that's o.k. because they are mostly nuts. A strange group! Because I work so many hours I don't really have time to socialize with anyone else. And I come home to my husband who isn't there.

Is there a way to do something about this? I kinda know everybody is going to say "talk to him" but that isn't really practical. He really doesn't want to talk about things like this. I don't know how to explain it - it's like there is a shield up or something. You just don't GO THERE. Maybe talking about it is the answer but I really don't want to do it. I don't want to make things worse. And he really seems o.k. with how things are. He can afford to make things worse but I can't if you know what I mean.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I am really lonely

Bellegirl,

I feel for you. It sounds like your husband is having a grand ole life and you are working constantly, unless you're sleeping.

First, think of the things that you enjoy doing. Any particular interests? Check your area for classes, socializing. If you have to, cut back on your working hours to enjoy these interests. You have to think about yourself and what would make you happy. Even if it's just one thing that you change in your schedule, would make quite a difference.

I don't know much of your situation, but it sounds like you're really in charge of making yourself happy.

Keep us posted.


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RE: I am really lonely

Wanda, thank you so much for answering my post! It is really a great thing that there are people out there who will talk with you.

As for interests...I love to garden. I love my flowers and I'm working really hard to get ready for a nice spring season. Last year was rough with the weather and my flowers suffered but I'm hoping to replace a lot of them and make things pretty around here. Every few weeks I just ignore the housework and do some gardening things on a weekend. It puts me behind but I do enjoy it a lot. Unfortunately it is one more thing to do alone. I love it but it is also lonely. I don't even have neighbors to comment on the results! Still, I love my flowers and am really happy to be able to work with them.


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RE: I am really lonely

Belle-
I'm not in such a great place myself that I should be handing out advice, but seeing a counselor has helped me gain some perspective on my situation and perhaps would help you w/yours.

I love gardening, too, and I don't like to feel lonely. I like alone time, sure, but that is not the same as feeling lonely.


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RE: I am really lonely

maybe you should tell your husband that you and him need to set aside one day a week,where there are no friends and no work,just the two of you.

This may sound silly,but do you have any pets? They can be wonderful for companionship.I know it doesnt help with your marriage,but it could help with some of your loneliness.


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RE: I am really lonely

Bellegirl

First of all, hugs for you.

I have felt lonely in my marriage too, its just aweful, isn't it? I think its because I have felt that nobody takes an interest in me. I think the longer I felt lonely and sorry for myself, the harder it became to move out of the doldrums.

Exercise is important, that really perks you up. Perhaps if you just stepped out the door, on the w/e, seeing you are so busy during the week, and just walked around the neighbourhood. I have even commandeered my son's bodgy mp3 player and put talks on it, to listen to whilst I walk. Its really nice and relaxing, and I do feel happier after doing that. These are inspirational talks.

I can understand your reluctance to "talk" to your DH, perhaps you could just ask him to do things. Little things, like help you with the food shopping, (if you can stand that !), or move something heavy in the house, 'cause you want to move the room around. My point is, perhaps if you got him to gradually be envolved in something at home, it might have flow-on effects.

How do you see the big picture of your marriage ?

Perhaps its time to part ways, can't recall your other postings.

Keep chatting here, we will sort you out !

Popi


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RE: I am really lonely

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like your retired husband is playing all of the time while you're busy working and keeping up your home.

You need some fun time and friends to share the activities with.

First, hire a cleaning service and have them come once a week to clean and wash and fold laundry.

Second, I'd start to depend on microwave meals for 3 or 4 nights of the week so you wouldn't be cooking so much during the weekends.

I agree with others who suggested taking a class in something you're interested in.

Check your local paper. You may find gardening classes at your local Home Supply store, or at a local nursery or University.
If there's a Michael's craft store near you they offer one day classes on painting, knitting,flower arranging, etc.
Go to enough of these and you start to see some familiar faces over and over again and a friendship could develop.
Go to Barnes & Noble; grab a book and get a cup of coffee. At least it gets you out of the house.

Don't count on your husband to change right now. Life is working fine for him so why should he rock the boat? Change yourself first. Be a little selfish and start doing things in a different way so that your life becomes easier.

You haven't mentioned how long you've been married or if your husband has always been this way.
How long will you be working before you retire?


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RE: I am really lonely

Thank you all for your good suggestions. They are all thoughtful and sensible. I wish I could take your advice. I hate to sound like I'm just whining and not willing to try but there are reasons why some things won't work very well.

Coolmama, we do have three sweet dogs and they are very dear to me. They are outside dogs and that's good for them because they have lots of room to romp and play but they are not close by like a house dog would be. They are supposed to be guard dogs but they are a little too quick to make friends to be really good at it. I don't care because I love them anyway.

Close1972, I would be happy to talk with a counselor but I'm afraid I just can't afford it. My insurance wouldn't cover it and I don't know when I would be able to make an appointment. Do those people work on weekends?

The same applies to the cleaning service, Monablair. My job doesn't pay very well although it is the best I can hope for in this area. Since I've been working there I've gotten a raise of 35 cents an hour but my health insurance premiums have gone up about $25 a week. So I'm gradually working my way out of a paycheck. I don't have any retirement plan and will just have to work til I can't work any more. There isn't any possibility to retire for me. I'm just glad that my husband could. He has worked even longer than I have starting with picking cotton and potatoes when he was only 6. I am really glad for him to have the chance to play a little although it would be really nice if he could see that it is hard for me to carry so much of the work at home when you think of my heavy work schedule. At least he isn't one of those husbands who complains that I don't do more! Most work nights I don't cook. We just snack if we are hungry. He is a good cook but he doesn't get around to it and I'm usually so tired by the time I get home that I am not hungry anyway. Thank goodness for that. If I had to stand over a stove after the days I put in I would really get upset.

Popi, I'm sure exercise would be good for me. I do better in the summer when I do more in the garden. In winter my arthritis really gives me fits. Exercise would be good for that, too, though and I should do more. We live WAY out in the country so there isn't really any neighborhood to walk in. I don't like to even go outside the fence to the mailbox on account of stray dogs and such but there is room inside the fence to take a turn through the woods. I'm lazy I guess. I just hope housework counts as exercise.

You are right about getting down on account of dwelling on this problem a lot. I try to fight it but I do get blue when I think too much about myself and how things are not the way I thought they would be at this time in my life. I have had a hard time with depression in my life and sure don't want to get there again. In a way I guess it is a good thing that I have such a stressful job that keeps my mind completely busy so much of the time. At least that's eight or nine hours a day when I'm not thinking of myself.

As for your questions, Popi and Monablair, I've been with my husband for about 15 or 16 years. We have been married for 13 years but we were friends before that. We used to spend a lot of time together and had a lot of fun. I honestly thought we would always be like that. We both worked in the yard or on projects in the house. We cooked together and made jams and candies and all kinds of things. We used to go out to eat often or to listen to music or see movies. It's been at least 5 years since we went to a movie.

But I am completely committed to the marriage. I would never cheat on him and I don't think he would cheat on me. I promised to stay with him in good times and bad so there is no reason for me to quit just because things are not as I would like.

I'm sure you are all right about trying to find ways to make friends and have fun things to do sometimes. It is just really hard to find time and money to do that. I can't see to drive at night and it's such a long drive to town that I don't even do that every weekend. And weekends are so filled up already.

I do thank all of you for your suggestions. I need to think about them some more and try to figure out some way to make some of them work.


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RE: I am really lonely

Bellegirl

I, too live in a rural area. Although, I dont have to cope with stray dogs, when I go out for a walk, actually come to think of it, everyone has a dog, but they usually stay in the boundaries of their properties.

I have a fair amount of bushland on my place, and countless weeds. I could spend every waking hour pulling out weeds, which I don't want to ! Do you have lots of weeds at your place, in the bushland ? This is a good way to get some exercise. I have built up some nice muscles doing that over the years.

Housework is boring, lets face it, please don't make that the focus of your exercise. I know that you have long days, and you must get awefully tired.

I am in Australia, and we have an organisation called the Country Women's Association, and as its name suggests its all about country women getting together, and dealing with any issue that might arise in the rural areas. It came about because women where often isolated and lonely. Perhaps there is a similar organisation in your area.

Other sorts of community groups might be worth checking out. Perhaps there is a local gardening club....there is a very popular one near me.

There must be something we can suggest to brighten up your life !

Take care, Bellegirl.

Popi


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RE: I am really lonely

Bellegirl,

You mentioned that your DH has a lot of friends, and spends a lot of time with these friends. I imagine that those friends of his, who are spending so much time with your DH, have wives at home, who might just be as lonely as you are. Would it be possible for you and these women to start getting together every week? Perhaps you will find that you really click with one or two of them, and can do some things together, like see a movie, or go to lunch.

Think about what you enjoy. Would you enjoy spending time with them learning to knit, work on a quilt together, needlepoint, or some other artistic/creative outlet?

What type of things does your DH do with his friends? Perhaps on Saturday nights, you could tell your DH that you would like a "date night" with just him again, and learn to have fun together as a couple again. Perhaps every other Saturday night could be movie night. Or you could get together with another couple or two, and have dinner.

There are also small groups that meet at church, where you can go and see what you think. Perhaps you will find it interesting. There are all sorts of groups that get together that are looking for friendship.

You may also think about calling and spending phone time with your girl friends from highschool, and laugh about old times. It may lighten your spirit, and just plain feel good.

If funds are tight as you mentioned, and they might be in your area for everyone, perhaps you can have a movie night at each others homes just to give you two something to look forward to and work on making life fun again. Or have a pot luck every 3rd sunday after noon, and have a few friends over. Have him invite his buddies and their wives and perhaps over time, you will cherish the visits, instead of seeing them as more work. Try one and see how it goes. Put the bulk of getting things ready on your DH since he does not work, and loves to be around people. since he can cook, choose recipes together and let him do the shopping, cooking and on the day of, you can both get the house picked up. Or with a pot luck, everyone can just bring something, so you do do not have to worry about the food. Or with spring coming, you could sit out in the garden/yard. Plug in some music for background, and everyone will relax and enjoy it.

Sometimes, when we spend a lot of time alone, it becomes harder and harder to socialize with others. But your DH is so comfortable in that role, let him help you to re-learn being comfortable being around others socially But after a few times, as you get to know these people, you will begin to relax and feel more comfortable.

The only cure for lonliness, is to begin to build friendships with others. And to laugh again, and learn to relax and have fun again.

Any help?


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RE: I am really lonely

Oh, Popi! I've seen shows on television about Australia and it just seems so adventurous! I'd love to see your part of the world. "The bush" sounds so much more exciting than "way out in the country". I've never heard of anything like your country women's group here. Well, not since my Grandmother was in a rural women's club. I don't think they have them anymore. But there might be a gardening club somewhere. I used to live closer to town and there was one in the neighborhood that I never joined. I didn't see the need then. Out here it is all very independent and unconnected. But I will look into the possibility. Even though I have been gardening for a long time there is always a lot to learn. And gardeners are usually a good sort.

Bnicebkind, you just make me want to throw a party! It sounds so nice how you describe getting together with people. You are so right about how you lose the ability to socialize when you don't do it much. I'm there. I never was as sociable as my husband. He is always the center of the party. I'd be off to the side or in the kitchen. Ha.

As for the wives, most of the friends my dh has are a lot younger than we are. I'm not sure they would be interested in friendship with an old lady like me. His best friend's wife works at a hospital about 30 miles away (long hours and longer commute) and they have a little girl who is about 10. All that poor woman's time is taken up with doing things for and with that child. I don't blame her cause I would do the same and I did back when my own children were young. But when we have had them over it has been awkward because the little one is bored and even when she brings along another of her friends it doesn't work very well.

We had a big Christmas dinner at my house last year for all dh's friends and their wives and children and I didn't mind the cooking and preparation. I did kind of mind the people who didn't bother to use coasters and put their wet glasses down on my furniture and the child who picked all the blooms off my winter pansies. Oh well.

The wife of another of dh's friends has that problem with being with other people. I can't remember what it is called but she is terrified when she is around people she doesn't know well. We are careful when she comes over not to push her at all. Tricky.

Altogether I don't think the wives are a very likely group for close friends for me. I like them fine and we get along o.k. when I do have them over or go visit them. But I've never really hit it off with any of them because of the age difference and we are just so different. Still, I probably should try to plan more gatherings with just one or two couples at a time. Parties around here tend to get out of hand with more and more people invited, no real beginning and ending times, and no plans for anything other than food. That leaves an awful lot up to chance. You don't really get to know anybody when it is such a crowd. I wonder if any of them would be interested in playing cards or watching movies together. I need to think about all that.

As for high school friends..oh my. High school was an AWFUL long time ago. It's been almost 40 years! And I went to school in another state. I have no idea where any of them are. I wouldn't know how to find them. And I was about as lonesome in high school as I am now. I once had a neighbor who had stayed in touch with her school friends through all the years. They got together every month. What a nice thing that was!


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RE: I am really lonely

"You know, if she would give me hugs when I leave for work or things like that. There isn't ANY expression of affection or closeness and I guess that is because there isn't any of that any more. I just hate that!"

I'm a man that feels your pain and I'm damn sick of it.


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