I would have been out the door and filed charges when he hit my ( you say our!) son...
Cut your losses...get out while you can. He could be dangerous....well actually he is dangerous. The fact that he hit your son proves that.
You say he has emotional problems? Poor kid! No wonder! You owe it to your son to get him away from this angry, violent and unstable man.
Linda C

I almost stopped reading at "two black eyes". He did this to your child and you are still with him? It doesn't sound like it was a one-time thing or the boy came after him with a sledgehammer or something. Get out.

I wish I could find where I read it, but I recently read that people handle something truly horrible that happens and is done with better than they handle constant, unpredictable dribs and drabs of always changing horrible. In other words, people handle losing a limb better than they due a chronic illness that is unpredictable in how bad it will be every day (think chronic pain). That is what you are going through. Your life is a different, unpredictable hell everyday. On your own you would be 100% responsible, but it would be predictable.

I'd feel horribly guilty for abandoning him when he's obviously not well.

It is not your job to make him well. Only he can do that. He chooses not to, and sucks the life out of you and your son in the process.

Advice? In a nutshell: Get out. It won't get any better - in fact it will most likely get worse. Don't sacrifice yourself and your son.

Yep, me too. Once I read that he gave your son 2 black eyes, that was it. You have to leave, that's a deal breaker.

You have it tough, dear person, life has sure thrown you some challengers.

I wish you well, I hope that you find peace, and tranquility, its what you deserve.

All the best, to you and your son.

P

Has your husband considered trying to get mental disability (or whatever it's called)? I would think he may qualify for that. I would also think about trying a different therapist (maybe wait until after you apply for disability though).

I know BiPolar disorder can be very serious. I would think there may be some support type groups and other people in your same type of position that may be able to advise you and help you. Could you remain married to your husband but live away from him for the sake of your child until your son is on his own?

Hopefully your therapist will help you sort out your own feelings. Good luck. Keep your boy safe. Your first and foremost responsiblity is to him.

While I acknowledge the "He hit the boy - that's it!" crowd's views, please note that this was before he was diagnosed as bipolar and began treatment, and that this happenned during a very, very stressful time. That certainly doesn't excuse the behavior, but the OP didn't say anything to the effect that it ever happened again or that verbal or physical abuse is an ongoing problem.

And to the poster who said only he can make himself well and he's not -- He IS going to therapy and he IS taking medication. It's not simply a matter of 'trying harder' to snap out of it. BiPolar disorder is a serious illness, and if he is making a genuine and sincere effort, that has to count for a lot.

That said, I'm certainly not without sympathy for your position April. Dealing with someone else's mental illness is very, very difficult for both you and your son. It would probably be easier to simply 'cut your losses' and go it alone with the known and predictable issues, rather than hanging in there with alternating cycles of hope and despair. Only you can decide what is best for you and your son, so it sounds to me like going to counseling yourself is a really good idea.

You wanna keep your son in an environment where *he's* stressed & vulnerable & afraid?

People get Post-Traumatic Stress from living this way, & it lasts their whole lives.

You are a mother, you are supposed to be your *son's* protector, & you're keeping him in a dangerous situation.

Does your mother know what you're putting her grandson through?

does your ex?
does his mother?

Any of them could be in a position to file for custody.

I wish you the best.

I don't see why the OP should waste a perfectly good life with this person. It doesn't sound like his contribution to the marriage is anything worthwhile, he appears to be a threat to the boy, and honest efforts to help him pull himself together have not paid off. Whatever the root cause of his problems (bipolar disorder or addictive behavior) he does not seem to be able to pull out of them. It looks like the OP is strong enough he doesn't really have to.

I thought Sue's point about chronic stress was a good one. The famous analogy about frogs-- was it frogs?-- who will jump out of a pot of hot water but will stay put and cook if the water is heated over time.

It's funny as I am monogamously married to a lovely person for 18 years, together 22, and a fervent believer in the value of a good marriage. But, ironically, I think life is too short to waste years in a bad one.

I understand your pain and make no mistake it is pain. I remarried again about 3 and 1/2 years ago. I had expectations and hopes and dreams. My wife was still not totally over her divorce experiences and maybe I wasn't either. She was torn between her teenage daughter's needs and our needs as partners, although she did eventually stand with me, in the process she broke a lot of my trust in her. That part I can understand because it involved her daughter. But after that when things had settled down in my opinion, she then was angry inside and did things that created a very abusive situation for me (in a passive agressive way) and that made me relive my 28 year marriage and made me traumatized so much so I sought counseling with her and alone. In counseling not much was resolved except for issues from my past which actually helped me a lot. I have forgiven what she did, but I'm not over it, I now 'protect' myself a lot of the time and if I see the on-set of signs of passive aggressive behavior or actions in the bedroom that seem the same, whether they are or not, I basically withdraw. I trusted this woman totally, which given my experiences with abuse at the hands of women is amazing in itself. Then when she starting saying things weren't happening that were, or only happened this time, then next time they happened reverted back to 'it never happened", I felt like my head was spinning and didn't know which way was up and I started to shake when I was in a vulnerable position with her. I have now reached a point where to a large degree although I still love her, I don't respect her, nor care a lot about any hurt that I do to her. I'm holding on hoping something happens to change all that, or that time itself will. I'm not sure.. I also feel she can't support herself and I don't want to make her life hard in anyway, how can I do that, not hurt her and protect myself? The answer, I can't, something will break, I hope it is my fear and distrust, and not us.

Let me add my voice to the chorus - WHAT more will it take to see that this has gone on long enough? Your husband's illness is very unfortunate. It us not your fault and you have done the best you could. You must think of your son's life now. Be brave and make a fresh start.

Damaged goods. OK to bail.

What does the son say? Not that he gets total say-so, but if he's fine, he's fine, and the decision is yours to make free from guilt. If he's not fine, get the hell out.

To reiterate...he was in arrears on the mortgage and car payments 5 and 6 months respectivly...what did he do with that money?
He lied to you about being up to date on the bills...and again what was he doing with the money?
He did a complete turn around and has been abusive since 2 years after you were married...so you have been living with an abusive man for 5 years..
He caused you to borrow money from your parents to save the house ( are they getting paid back???)
He has been diagnosed as bi polar but won't take his meds.
He has had 7 jobs in the past year.
AND he hit your son and gave him 2 black eyes....
And still you wonder if you should stay!
My God, woman...get smart and get out before it gets worse!!
Do not ask a kid for marital advice....just get out!!
Linda C

Ask the kid how he feels about his own personal environment, not marital advice. Then decide. Forgiveness is in order whether you leave or not. Teach him to forgive, not condone his behavior. He'll learn a greater lesson in the long run. Oy! Such a disposable society we live in.

Forgive? This from the person who won't forgive her husband for some un named crime for 4 years unless he confesses?
Forgive is one thing, but continuing to live in chaos with an abusive person who lies and hits your son is quite another thing.
Yep...forgive him but tell him you can't live there any longer, nor can you be responsible for his debts.

Linda,
If we must be without fault to share any pearls of wisdom, then hang us all -

Rob's suggestion is based in truth and wisdom, regardless of her own imperfections.

Sometimes we learn from our own mistakes, and it is that growth that motivates us to reach out to others and give them a hand up -

Give her a break, benefit of the doubt, and don't judge and assume she is still stuck in a bad spot.

Please don't put this boy on the spot by asking him what he thinks;

just like any abused person, whether they are spouse, parent, or child, your son is living in an environment in which he's vulnerable to assault, & he knows that he can't afford for whatever he tells you to get back to his assailant.

just like any other abused person who can't get away, he'll say something like oh well, these things happen, no hard feelings, I've forgiven him, it's all in the past, etc.

Get your son to safety.

I have a great deal of sympathy for the OP. My husband has bipolar disorder, too. Nowhere near as bad as the OP's husband, but bad enough that it has put a strain on our marriage at certain points through the years. He finally started therapy and went on medication last year, and it's been a godsend for him (and us). His highs and lows are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. The important thing, though, is that my husband recognized that he needed and wanted help, and did something about it.

The thing that's really hard for people who don't have this disorder to understand (even myself, after dealing with my husband's for years) is when you're in the low phase, you don't care about anything. You can't just "snap out of it" or pull yourself out of it, or anything like that. There are certain coping mechanisms that my husband has learned through the years, and I've learned how to help him somewhat (usually by telling him to do something, rather than just moping in front of the computer).

I'll be honest -- as someone who doesn't get depressed very often, I get really fed up with him sometimes, and the way his emotional state affects our time together. There are points where I've been like, "I just can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to be with someone who is depressed all the time." And again, my situation is nowhere near as bad as the OP's. I'm so thankful that therapy and medication have helped my husband and our marriage is stronger than ever.

April -- I think you've put up with more than enough. Yes, this is a mental disease, but part of controlling it is wanting to change his behavior and find healing. It sounds to me like he's not making the full effort that he could or should be; maybe he needs better meds. Maybe he needs a better therapist. Regardless, for your own peace of mind, and the safety of your son, I would leave the marriage. You've tried your best.

From reading the other post I may sound like a nut and the lone ranger, but I think this is the time when for better or worse comes in. No one ever said that it would not get tough, but that is the time when you have to really lean on the higher power(GOD). He has a problem and by him going to therapy lets me know that he care about you and is trying to make an effort to do better.

You said in you post that you did not want to get into a religious debate and I am not trying to. But I know that prayer really works. It worked for me and my family. I love self help book and there is a book called "power of the praying wife" that is awesome. I hope I did not offend you by including this in my post. LOL.

I could have written Rivadr's post.

All I can add is that if you decide to stay with him you MUST set boundaries and be willing to keep them.

My DH KNOWS I will leave if he discontinues his meds.

He KNOWS I have to manage our finances.

He also KNOWS that I am here for him, I love HIM but not his disease. HE is responsible for his illness so he doesn't lose what he's worked so hard for.

He KNOWS he cannot act in an abusive manner. He is allowed to get cranky but the moment he starts playing the blame game I leave the the room.

What kind of Meds is he on? I didn't see it in the posts and maybe it is too personal but for BP a lot of people say that Lithium is where it is at. My father was BiPolar and it took several years to get the dosage and meds right. However, he was only verbally abusive and the scary thing is that people can have very manic episodes with either the wrong meds or if they go off of them. I am starting to see somebody myself because it is hereditary and have started exhibiting some of the characteristcs of the damn disease. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

If it was just you and dh I would say stick it out and try to help him through this all.

But it is not just you and him, your son is right there with you. While you may not have had enough yet to leave I think your son may have. A child with no emotional problems would likely deteriorate in a situation like this. I can just imagine the toll it is taking on your son.

You asked when is it time to get out? The time is NOW! Is it possible to stay with family to help you get on your feet? There are also state programs in some states to help you with childcare while you work. You may be able to get some type of disability money from the govt. for your child's emotional disability. There are many options out there. (I only mention these things because I know that financial issues can keep a person from leaving a bad marriage)

Good luck and best wishes.

April,

I read your post twice. Not once did you say you love this man or are in love with this man. Something to think about, Don't you think?

April...I have just read your plea for help with an imposible situation. As you know, I lost a daughter who was bipolar. Her life for many years was a hell that I know I still don't fully realize. We lived more than 100 miles away so weren't involved in her life on a daily basis. Fortunately she never had an addiction to battle along with the disease, but I know that for her husband of more that 20 years, everyday was an "unknown".

What I want to tell you is that Terry's father and I gave our son-in-law our blessing the day he came to us and asked us to become more involved with her because he just couldn't take it any more and had to "get out". He assured us that he had no intention of leaving her abruptly. That he wanted to try to make sure that she had a network of family and friends that would be looking out for her before he did anything. He said divorce was not in his plans, because that would leave her without medical insurance. He spent several hours with us that day telling us many things about her that we needed to know if he wasn't in the picture to help in a crisis. That was 2 years before we lost her. They were in marriage counseling for most of that time...not counseling to save the marriage, but to help ready her for his leaving. He was still with her trying to pave the way for her to be on her own the day she died. And we were still supporting him in his decision to leave at some point. Some might think that we were wrong to show compassion for him, but there are times that this "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" stuff cannot and should not be honored.

The bottom line April is that you have endured more than enough and your son is the one you must have the most concern for now. You cannot "fix" your husband. He can't fix himself. It is the nature of the illness. Go to counseling and a lawyer. Find out the way to best get out...not only for yourself, but for your husband. He is a danger to you, your son, and himself. Don't sacrifice yourself or your son for something that cannot be fixed.

Midwest Jim my DH takes a combination of Lexapro and Zyprexa. There are lots of drugs out there other than Lithium.

The most important thing is to never just take an antidepressant alone if BP is suspected. Antidepressants can set off a psychotic episode.

It's really frightening how so many doctors hand out antidepressants like candy to their patients without fully evaluating the cause of their being down.

Then we read about how that nice neighbor suddenly went off his rocker. Sadly unless people are informed no one considers the bipolar factor in so many of these cases.

Good for you for realizing that you may have the same crappy disease. May your life have gently rolling hills and adventures without the horrible roller coaster of manic-depression.

Below is a link to an organization that can be a great help to those suffering mental illnesses and their friends and families.

Here is a link that might be useful: NAMI

Anti-depressants alone can also enhance manic episodes. Lamitcal is another good bi-polar medication. But it's better for those whose mania is harder to combat than the depression. That's not to say it doesn't help depression, it does. It's a good stabilizer.

I think you mean Lamictal, rob333. It's what my husband is on, and as I mentioned earlier, it's really worked well for him. He doesn't go as high or as low as he used to, and he's much more...stable, as you said.

It's been a while since the OP has posted. Are you still here, aprilflower?

This is my husband! He is in construction. His computer addiction is ebay (starwars collection). He is bipolar and short fused. He jumps from job to job. But in addition he is addicted to drugs and alcohol. He drains the bank account with drug withdraws. He disappears all the time. He just got his first dui and they found xanax..(felony charge). I just got laid off after 5 yrs (business closing) so he is the bread winner. So he feels he is entitled to spend anything he wants and do anything he wants. He spends no time with our 2 yr old. (I mean NO TIME) We just went camping and he found excuses to leave us (Had to work or go to store) He would disappear for hours and I just found withdraws from atms an hour away for our campsite. When he isn;t working or partying, he sleeps and would yell at our son if he makes too much noise. He falls asleep driving and has had four accidents this past year. I've become use to pretty much being a single mom, house repairer, accountant, and maid with a abnoxious roomate that doesn't realize our marriage is doomed. I know the right thing to do is leave him. But I love my home (I have put so much into it). My son loves our yard, our neighbors, our dogs, our pool, his room, his playroom. My husband is so rarely around, my son's relationship with him wouldn't be any different. (And he would have to care for him on his weekends without my supervision)My husband can't take care of himself, let alone our son. I;m afraid he wouldn't watch him and my son would get hurt or worse.

My opinion, you should seriously consider a separation.
If you don't feel comfortable with the "D" word, don't consider it yet.
But, given what you have said, I do feel that you are justified to consider separating from him.
"On the other hand, I'd feel horribly guilty for abandoning him when he's obviously not well."

Taking care of yourself and your son, is NOT "abandoning" your husband.

You have a DUTY to yourself, and a duty to your son, to model self-respect. Your husband has already struck your son once.
Unacceptable.
You are carrying the whole load in this marriage. I don't believe anything will change without a separation. Truth be told, you don't love him anymore, but you feel guilty about abandoning him. He abandoned you long ago, with the duplicity, not providing for his family, and striking your son.

The welfare of a minor child ALWAYS trumps duty to one's spouse. Decide what the best thing is for your son - then do that.

Good Luck

This reminds me of my brother in law. Very similar story on some level. He met a wonderful girl while he was employed. They were together for a year before they were married. She knew that person. The person who had a good job, seemed to be somewhat successful, they got along great. We could only hope she had "changed him for the better". 8 Months after they were married, the real him came back out, no more job, drugs, she was the only one working, supporting his drug habit and mood swings. One year later she was smart enough to get out. Its been over 10 years since that marriage was over. She has a wonderful life with a new man, they bought a house and live a peaceful life. He on the other hand, is still doing the same thing. Just last week he called to see if he could "rent a room" from us until he got his feet back on the ground. My DH's response (his brother). Your feet haven't been on the ground for 20 years, I dont see that changing anytime in the near future, you're on your own. GET OUT NOW, DON'T WASTE ANYMORE TIME. Either something happened to him to make such a drastic change, or it was always there and you didnt see if in the year before you married him. You've already lost respect, I can't imagine that comes back. Life is too short to be miserable.