Wife dancing with another guy???
guyguy
17 years ago
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Comments (38)
guyguy
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Need help after wife's infidelity
Comments (13)The only reason I would even for a minute consider staying in this relationship is if there were kids in the picture. You should consider yourself BLESSED that this is happening now, not after you have kids. Trust me, I've been where you are, my ex-wife cheated on me two times, 3 yrs apart (we have two kids) The first time around, I tried to see it from her perspective, give her the benefit of the doubt, convince myself that I was partially responsible for driving her to do it, etc. We "worked on things" (I put it in quotes because I tried, she never really did, just went thru the motions) for a couple years, but I could tell her heart was never really into it. Then she did it again. We are now happily divorced, but I feel bad for my kids, I never wanted to raise them in a 50/50 custody situation...but it is what it is. I would have NEVER even considered giving the relationship a chance the first time around if I didn't have kids with this woman. It was all the same stuff..lie lie lie, I had to drag every thing out of her...she never opened up, and I caught her in so many lies it was unreal. Get out now. Sorry to say this, but "she's just not into you" apparently. Count your blessings that you are not bound to her (like I am) by children, you can just walk away and not turn around and move forward in your life. Don't become obsessed with getting revenge with her or anything like that. The best revenge is by going out and living life to it's fullest for yourself! And screw what your families think....you are a grown up, you don't need to worry about what they think. Good luck. It sucks, I know, but I would have given anything to have this happen to me before I had kids, it's 1000 times worse when there are kids in the picture....See MoreWishing that a house would land on my boyfriend's ex-wife (long)
Comments (2)Your BF never should have gotten into a relationship until he had worked out the issues he had with his ex-wife. It's not fair to you, him, or his daughter who is emotionally invested in you now. I suggest looking into getting him some kind of counseling. Meanwhile, while it is real easy to place all the blame on the ex-wife, just remember there are two sides to every story. I mean, many many people are emotionally and physically abused and yet they are able to start new relationships and are able to utter the words "I love you" with no problem. So it just seems a little too convenient to blame the ex-wife for all the hurtful things your BF says and does. This post was edited by Amber3902 on Fri, Feb 15, 13 at 18:27...See MoreNeed Wife/Ex-Wife Advice
Comments (136)"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. If this can't be agreed upon between current spouses, it is not the ex-spouse's fault, and they shouldn't be dragged into the mess. If the CS arrangement is unsatisfactory to both current spouses, seek to have it changed instead of whining/nickel-and-diming/b.s. psychological games. If it's satisfactory to one spouse but not SP, or if expenditures just CANNOT be agreed upon no matter what, then maybe consider splitting finances. But acknowledge that it is the CURRENT SPOUSES who cannot agree on expenditures or come up with a workable plan, so it isn't anyone else's fault or burden to bear if you two can't work it out between yourselves....See MoreMy wife and child hate one another.
Comments (11)I am a Biomother and stepmother. So I have perspective from both sides of the fence. First off- your wife had an affair. You need to accept it or forgive her. There is no grey area. Trust me I know! My first husband had an emotional affair with a woman, and I was so angry and could not move past it. So hence, my marriage ended. Now please don't get me wrong, but I know now that it was not the affair that ended my marriage. Because looking back on it I should have solved the real problem. Which was what was I not giving my husband that he felt the need to stray. I am not holding him blameless, but he ended it. He was sorry that he did it. It was my bittereness towards him for what he did that I accept responsibility for. SO therefore, like I said, you can either work on your marriage and the adtermath of the affair, or you can make her miserable until the point that she really wants to leave you. The choice is yours. Sorry to sound so blunt, but I have been in your shoes. Now as far as your son. That is all I read in your post was about YOUR son. Now if I read correctly, you have another child with your wife. And apparently you are okay with your first son physically abusing YOUR other child. When my daughter was born, my step-son tried on numerous occasions to hurt my daughter and his own brother. Physically attacking, clawing at faces, throwing large items at. So my dh and I talked with a therapist about the issue. He told us that he was doing it out of jealousy, sibling jealousy. BUT that he should NOT be rewarded for his bad actions. So, if he did it again, then he would not be allowed visitation with his dad or our family. His dad was not to take time alone with the child away from our family, because that was basically rewarding his behavior. Kids aren�t stupid, and this was the desired outcome he wanted. So we told him, you ever hit or hurt either child, then you will be considered out-of-control and dangerous to others, and daddy will have to protect the other children from you, and therefore you will not be coming over. With that said, it was the last time he ever hit either child in our presence. Am not telling you that you need to forget about your son, but you need to make sure that he becomes a responsible young person who has consequences for his actions. I will tell you that if any child, mine or a step were to hurt another child of mine, then there are consequences, and you better be sure as hell that I am going to be pissed at the perpetrator. It seems to me that you are bitter at your wife for her bitterness towards your son. Perhaps you should allow her to disengage and have two relationships. One with her and your other child, and one with your son. Don�t expect her to like him, and of course don�t expect him to hurt her. It sounds like he is quite bitter at her two. You also have a responsibility for your other child as well. Do you think it is in the best interest of the child to have divorced parents, because the of the child�s older sibling. Don�t you think that will make your younger child bitter towards the older child AND you? So, my suggestions are: 1. Either forgive the affair and move forward. Or just end the marriage and save both of you a whole lot of grief. I will tell you that in retrospect from personal experience that letting go of that bitterness and anger will be better for you. People make mistakes, and this is just one of many that your wife will make. And this is from someone whoms ex-spouse had an affair on. 2. Be a part of your son�s life, but because of his behavior to the rest of the family, realize that you have another child to protect and thus must keep them apart. I hope you take this advice to heart....See Moredirtdiva
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