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husband always wants to fight

Posted by tiredgirl (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 27, 09 at 18:21

I apologize if this is similar to older posts, I tried a search and didn't find anything close to my problem.

I've been married for 6 1/2 years. My husband consistently starts fights with me, or is angry with me about something, at least once per week. When he does get angry or start a fight, he won't talk to me for a minimum of 2-3 days. Most of the time I have to apologize to "smooth things over", but lots of times I don't even know why I'm apologizing. I'm not saying he never apologizes, but let's jsut say it's certainly lopsided on who has to apologize to who.

He will pick fights right before important events (ie: tonight, we were supposed to have a date night, and he picked a fight 3 hours before, and told me to have a nice night on my own). I would say most weekends we go the entire weekend without talking because of his anger. I rarely or almost never start a fight (because I know that means he wont talk to me for 2-3 days, even if it's something i'm upset about).

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore. I'm confused, tired of fighting, angry, sad, etc. When I ask him if it's more important to have a good marriage, or more important to fight....he'll tell me that i've angered him over whatever issue he's found that day, and that it's more important that i fix that issue. I'm sick of the fighting.

Yes we've tried marriage counseling. No it didn't work. He quit attending several times, because he got angry about what the counselors would suggest or say. He's punched holes in the walls, thrown things across the house, yells, or even worse...he just emotionally 'checks out' for days and doesn't acknowledge my existence in the house.

I don't know if this makes sense, or if I've given enough information. My first time posting anywhere. Any input from married people would be appreciated. Is this normal for someone to be angry this much at their wife?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: husband always wants to fight

There is definately something going on with him! This is NOT normal.

The picking fights before events, such as your date night reminds me of an ex boyfriend I had. He would do that to get out of going places with me. He would be so "mad" that he would instead go out with his friends all night! Which I think was the plan in the first place. Do you think your dh is trying to purposely get out of doing certain things with you?

His anger makes me think that he is either abusing drugs or alcohol, or maybe he is suffering from some mental illness such as depression or bipolar or something. Was he always like this? How long has this been going on?

He needs help. You should not have to walk on eggshells constantly to not set him off! To me it sounds like the beginning of what could turn out to be a physically abusive relationship.

Walking out of counseling also signals warning bells in my head.

Maybe it is time for you to seperate. Maybe that will show him how serious this is and maybe then he will get help. If not I think your better off alone.

I know it took a lot for you to post here. I commend your for recognizing the problem and looking for solutions.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I've got to agree with Mom2emall 100%.

Your husband's behavior is not normal. And either he's doing it intentionally for selfish reasons (which could not possibly be good enough reasons t hurt you repeatedly), or he's not aware of it or able to control it, which is awful in its own way.

Of course a good marriage is worth letting some things slide, and if your husband can't be made to see this (on a good day when he isn't angry, then there's really no future for you two.

I'm so sorry --


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RE: husband always wants to fight

He gets angry.
He doesn't talk to you for days.

Sounds like he is manipulating you.

You are sad, confused, tired.

Do you want to live like that ? I bet you don't?

He punches holes in the wall. Violence. Are you fearful for your own personal safety ?

Plan to leave - I hope you don't have any children - please don't get pregnant.

A better life is out there for you, where you don't have to live in fear.

Is there someone who will help you ?

All the best to you.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

My step dad used to act the same way...except his fits of temper were always Saturday mornings. We were all on edge the whole weekend, I now think that was his plan.
It took me a while after I married to realize that people do not act this way.
My hubby does not nor do I.
My mother finally left.
Does your father in law act this way?
Maybe thats all he has ever seen.
There may be no changing him unless he really wants to be married to you and stay married to you.
I know thats really hard to hear.
Do you have children?
Its really not what you want them to see...take it from me.
Oh, and I have now been married for 28 years, it did take a year or so to realize that my husband would never act the way my step father did.
Best of luck to you.
Karen L


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RE: husband always wants to fight

My ex wife used to pull stunts like that, I think to avoid intimacy for one. If the kids were away, you could guarantee she would pick a fight and in the rare instances when she'd discuss it, it'd be because of the 'pressure' she felt.

Perhaps I did sometimes 'pressure her' but really only by being nice or giving her a hug. I became very starved for human contact to say the least. The upshot of it is, at the end she said she thought that everything was 'fine' and 'normal' and she didn't see what I thought was so bad...yet she would often say I was 'cruel' or 'horrible' for calmly and quietly saying to her "just listen to yourself, how you talk to me - how would you like it if I spoke to you that way, or called you the names you called me?"

If you still want to be married to this person, you have to insist on counselling without walkouts and that he sees it through, in my opinion - it's up to you though.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Wow, thanks to all of you for your feedback....

I wanted to answer some of the questions that were asked...No, we don't have kids yet, although this year was the year I wanted to start trying. He has never hit me but he has grabbed my arms and left bruises. And yes, I feel very starved for human contact because of him not speaking to me for days at a time. He never grew up with a dad, his dad left his mom when he was a baby and never came back. I feel like the anger he has gets worse over time, because when we met and for the first few years of dating and marriage, I never really saw him act like this. It's gotten progressively worse.

I have an awesome family, and a few close friends, so I do have people who will support me if I leave.

I think it is probably manipulation of some sort. I just don't understand what he gets out of this. Power, control...but nothing good comes out of this. I've told him I'd leave if he continued to pick these irrational fights and he told me go to hire a lawyer.

Thanks again for everyone's support and feedback. It's nice to confirm that this isn't "normal" in a marriage.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Grabbing hard enough to leave bruises is physical abuse.
Blaming you for whatever "issue" he's found during the day, isolating you, punishing you via the silent treatment, picking fights so that you never get to go out or enjoy your week-end, physical intimidation are classic behaviors of an abuser.

Punching holes in walls is a prelude to punching a human being.

People who feed off rage, power, manipulation, intimidation & other people's misery *never* "get better", counselling or not;
they like themselves & their lives just fine.

"I've told him I'd leave if he continued to pick these irrational fights and he told me go to hire a lawyer"

well...
I think that's a good idea.

& be sure you're safe & secure before the husband is served the papers.

I wish you the best.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

All I can say is, don't count on having kids to 'fix' things, that's a mistake people have made over and over and over....

Things should be 100% before you even consider it. Trust your deepest gut feeling...but since you ask, you obviously have some doubts.

Having said that, you shouldn't use the comments of a bunch of uniformed strangers (us) to make any important decisions, we can play devil's advocate, but what you do is up to you.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Whatever you do, please do not have children with this man unless he changes his behavior and has kept it changed for awhile. It's not a good environment for anyone, much less children who cannot control the situation or get themselves out of it.

Based on what you say, he is almost always angry. He yells, sulks for days, has put holes in walls, throws things, and has put bruises on you. He thinks it's always your fault, he resists outside professionals trying to address the situation, and he sees no reason to change. When he told you to get a lawyer, he basically told you that he thinks it's more important for him to be this way than for him to stay married to you.

I don't think it matters why he's doing this. Power, manipulation, sad childhood, whatever. What matters is the fact that he IS doing this at all. It's not something that needs to be understood. If he isn't open to change (and it sounds like he isn't), I think you need to find a safe way to get out.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

"It's gotten progressively worse." And it will continue the downward spiral. He's a rage-a-holic. He deliberately uses anger to control and manipulate you and if you don't do something, you will be permanently damaged emotionally, if not physically. There is only one question here: do you want to live like this or not?


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RE: husband always wants to fight

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN....and thankfully, you don't. This man is emotionally abusing you and by leaving bruises, I think it is physical. Get your "affairs"....i.e. important papers, bank account information, birth certificate, etc.....in order, and prepare to go to a safe house if he even acts like he is going to harm you....and do not look back. He definitely needs some anger management....but doubt if he will do that unless ordered by the court. I certainly hope this is not the life you want to live the rest of your life....and it can and probably will get worse!!!


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I just wanted to say that these posts got me through the weekend of still another fight. I don't feel so alone after reading everything you all have written.

Not sure what I'll do at this point, but I know I have a lot to think about and decide right now.

Thanks to everyone. I really can't express how much I appreciate the support I've received.


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It is good you have a good family - a place to seek refuge.

Please don't fall into the habit of making excuses for your DH.

You know the way things should be in your marriage, don't settle for less.

Doesn't sound like it will get better for you, without you taking action.

Your safety is important.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I just don't get it!

How many times do women come on here, tell us these awful things their husbands do: torture them physically/mentally/emotionally - then they say they just can't decide whether to stay or leave. To me, that's like saying, "Gee, I'm sitting my butt on top of a red hot stove, I wonder if I should jump off or not?? Maybe if I stay, the red hot stove will get better in time...maybe if I vent that my a$$ is burning to a crisp, that will help and I can then stand it. Sure, for the rest of my life."

So I have to confess to losing patience. Let's face it, men make their relationship mistakes by thinking with their (insert your favorite word for the male appendage) and women are fools because they think with their "hearts" and "fall in love".

Trouble is, "love" is often a disguise for many other emotional states: dependency, need for humiliation, poor self-esteem, thirst for drama, negative attention, etc. I'm not Freud, but something ELSE is definitely going on with these women.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

When someone is under the thumb of an abuser it is hard to get the courage to leave.

I was once a scared 19 yr old with a newborn baby seeing the warning signs in my boyfriend. I kept thinking I could change him and thining of the good times. I was scared to stay and scared to leave. I was miserable but my self esteem was so low I thought this is all I could get. NEver occured to me that nothing was better than what I had!

It took me quite a while to muster up the courage to leave.

Now I look at abusive relationships and am like "how could anyone be that stupid?" Then I remember.....


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I have to say i'm really appauled at what scarlett2001 said. I don't know what your situation is, but I didn't come on this site to be judged by someone who doesn't know me. I am highly educated, have a non-abusive familial background, and have great self esteem. To say that you don't know why women in horrible situations don't just run away, shows me even more so that you've never been in a situation like that, probably not been married, or helped anyone who has been in a tough marriage either. It's not easy. You should feel ashamed for judging someone in an honestly difficult predicament. It's difficult to see anything outside of my own reality, which is why I drifted to this website. It helps to hear that this situation isn't "normal" or could get worse. It's like giving me a little more courage to do what I need to do. I'm not sure putting down someone who is in a tough predicament is the way to help them.


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I come from a home where I was abused daily by a parent. I finally got away and adopted a personal motto, "I don't take no S---t!"

Yes, I'm married, and God help him or any man if he ever abuses me verbally or any other way because he will be wearing his butthole for a halo. He knows it, too.

If my post offended you, Tiredgirl, that is because it hit dead center in a place you don't want to look at. Pick up your balls, throw them over your shoulder and take back your life.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

"Is this normal for someone to be angry this much at their wife?"

No.

"He's punched holes in the walls, thrown things across the house, yells, or even worse..."

I don't know why you're still there. This is nuts. And I suspect increasingly dangerous.

"It's difficult to see anything outside of my own reality....."

Precisely your problem. You're not seeing reality. You've described a clearly intolerable situation and you're apparently mentally paralyzed over it.

Scarlett's pretty strong sometimes -- we snip at each other all the time -- but there are a few pearls in her post even for you. Don't confuse "judgement" with the expression of strong opinions. None of us know you other than what you've written. Scarlett was, in fact responsive and on-topic even though she may annoy you. It's the nature of forums.

"I am highly educated, have a non-abusive familial background, and have great self esteem."

Then for heaven's sake use your brain and your professed self esteem. Think, decide, and act. You've described a monster who's getting worse, refuses to acknowledge his sick behavior or consider changing it. You've only got one life, kiddo. I encourage you not to live it with a yelling, throwing, wall-puncher. You've got some serious sickness growing within those walls.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

TiredGirl - What you're describing qualifies as emotional abuse. He's blaming you for things that aren't your fault and punishing you with his behavior. Do some research on 'emotional abuse' and read for yourself.

I think Pjb might be onto something with the 'avoiding intimacy' issue. Not nexessarily sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. What would happen if something very important to you were to come up where you would need his emotional support? Or an event that would normally bring two people closer together? How does he typically respond? Is he there for you? Or does he push you away? If you approach him for physical intimacy, how does he respond? Is he eager to please you? Or clearly 'every man for himself'?

Your 'weekends' stories sound an awful lot like my first marriage -- which was emotionally abusive. It started out fairly subtle -- and actually, it didn't even really start until our wedding day. I don't feel comfortable going into particulars, but at exactly the times when a man and woman should feel closest, he would deliberately do something to spoil my mood. At first, he'd accuse me of being 'too sensitive' or not having a sense of humor -- But then, if I glossed over or ignored his 'offensive conduct', he'd get progressively more insulting or digusting until I eventually withdrew. It was awful.

Like you, I came from a background that wasn't abusive, and when I first got married and for a while after that, my self-esteem was pretty healthy. Plus we were both well-educated and financially successful -- and those weren't the traits of an abusive relationship, were they? Abused women were poor, had little education and few options; abusive men were dirty, unshaven, had bad teeth, drank too much and drove ratty pick-ups to dead-end jobs. They weren't Yuppies. (Remember them?) It couldn't be happening to me, because I wasn't stupid enough to get myself into that kind of situation...

Except I did. And so did you.

Admitting that my husband was abusive was *very* hard for me to do.
Until I finally did it.
Then it was the most liberating thing on earth! And I felt like shouting to the world that I wasn't crazy, over-sensitive, humorless and unattractive. That my husband was simply a defective jackass who used custom-made suits to disguise his deep-rooted emotional problems. And that I deserved better and was going to get it.

And I did.
Within a year, my life went from miserable to wonderful.

Happiness is out there.
At first, merely ending the constant pain will make you feel wonderful.
A few weeks later, you'll realize that it's much easier to do more work alone than it is to do a little less work but live with constant criticism.
A few weeks after that, you may stop doing some of the work because you realize it doesn't matter to you at all if it gets done or not - whoopee!
You'll find yourself meeting tons of interesting new people because of the smile you just won't be able to keep off your face, and they'll be attracted to the vibrant, positive, take-charge person you've become.

The hardest part is admitting to yourself that your husband is an abuser and that you unwittingly fell into an abusive relationship.
Think of that famous 'frog in hot water' story -- How a frog will stay in the pot until it cooks if the water is heated gradually. But plop that frog into hot water and he's out in an instant.
That's what an abusive relationship is like.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

When I hear of people being abused, it brings back a LOT of anger for me. Like most women, I was raised to be sweet and forbearing, to patch things up even when it was not my fault, to go along to get along, etc. Didn't Cinderella and Snow White do that? Aren't those our very first role models?

It wasn't until I tapped into my outrage that I got free of my abuser. Being nice and sweet is allowing their boot to stay on your neck. Why is it "wrong" for a woman to come on strong, if we ARE strong?

There are bullies and abusers everywhere: at school, in the workplace, even within our own families sometimes. The lower level ones, you can make them back off just by standing up to them. A bully must have a victim, so if you refuse to be that victim, they will look elsewhere.

But suppose this guy is more pathological and standing up to him gets you beaten or killed? Then you must go to the next step and put distance between yourself and the abuser.

Or third choice, stay, suffer and get the Nicole Simpson award. Tiredgirl said she didn't see any other posts here with the problem she has. There are at least six, and all of them end the same way. Everybody gives sympathy and good advice, but not one has said, yes, I'm ending this. And so my post, "I just don't get it."


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Tiredgirl~ Could there be something in your DH's life that is bothering him that he's just not telling you about? I hate to admit this, but your DH's actions kind of sound like me. Not too long ago, I was feeling very "used" by my DH. He was drinking a lot, which I do not like, and when he would drink he was verbally & emotionally abusive to me. Then he would come home (he works out of state for 2 wks. @ a time, home for 1 wk.) & expect me to want to be "lovey" w/ him & have sex w/ him whenever he thought the time was right, etc... Also, it seemed like sex or something related was all he could ever talk about. He made me feel like that was the only reason he kept me around. Well, I eventually got so screwed up emotionally that I would subconsciously pick fights w/ him right before we went to bed or during the day when I knew he was expecting to have sex that night. I honestly didn't even realize I was doing it until later, usually after he had left for another 2 wks. Sometimes we would constantly bicker the whole week he was home b/c of me picking fights over stupid things that didn't matter. I suppose that was my way of controlling the situation. If we were fighting, he knew we weren't going to fool around, but I never really had to say that I didn't want to, it was obvious.

In the last few months, things have started to look up for us though. He has quit drinking (4/14 will be a month) & started to do things that make me feel like he values me as his wife & not just as some one who is convenient to have sex w/. I do believe that his drinking was the root of our problems, but I was also to blame.

I'm just wondering if there is something like this that is bothering your DH that you're not completely aware of. Maybe not, maybe he does have something wrong that goes way deeper than I did, but maybe if you sit down & talk to him on one of his "good days" you could figure out something. He might feel threatened by a counselor being present, I think my DH probably would, but we've never been to counseling.

As far as scarlett goes, I can kind of see where she's coming from, however, I understand why there are a lot of women out there that do stay for too long. I'm one of them & at this point in time, I'm glad I am. Let's just hope I don't eat my words in a couple of years! :) I remember telling my DH when he proposed to me that when we got married, divorce was not an option. I think too many ppl go into marriage thinking of it as disposable & don't take it seriously or think it through before actually getting married. So, the reason I'm still here is b/c of pride, partially & also b/c I feel I'm strong enough to overcome any obstacle that gets in my way. I love my DH & want to be w/ him for the rest of my life & will do whatever I can to make that happen, but I will not sacrifice myself to do it. When the day comes that I'm too beaten down to exist w/o being on some kind of drug, that will be my cue to leave.

I do hope this gets straightened out. I would also agree w/ the others to not have any children right now or until you are 110% sure this behavior is over. But, I think you should try w/ everything you've got to make it work if you truly love your DH. If there's nothing you can do, you will know when the time is right to get out.

Good luck!

Shannon


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RE: husband always wants to fight

It's very hard for women not to come to think that the relationship is more important than we are, & not to take resonsibility for its success or failure...
to the point that we assume responsibiity for someone else's failure.

One thing I've noticed, with myself & with friends & people I see on tv or read about, is that "bonded" women-married women, women in relationships-seem to get brainwashed into believing the unbelieveable & accepting the unacceptable.

if we meet a guy at the supermarket, & he says something unbelieveable, we don't believe him.

If he does something unacceptable, we don't accept it.

but bonded or married women routinely believe the unbelieveable & accept the unacceptable.

& it isn't that we're all lacking in character or brains or that we all somehow like being treated badly.

It's a vulnerability that so many of us seem to share.

& a loving, decent person will protect his (or her) partner from her (or his) vulnerability, not take advantage of it.

I wish you the best.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

how would you like it when your husband tells you "someone oughta put their fist right in your mouth and shove all your teeth right down your throat?


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Actually, he wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to be the "bad guy". He's forcing you to make the decision so he can always blame it on you. I would spend this next weekend when he pulls this stunt again, documenting his behavior. Install a granny cam wherever you think most of this behavior will be recorded and Monday morning make an appointment with your lawyer and show it to him. Have you noticed that these stunts happen at his convenience? Usually not when he has to be somewhere important like work the next day. You won't need documentation to get a divorce but it will put the blame back where it belongs.


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Oh, right, pris! She's at physical risk, but let's go for documentation. She's waaay beyond the Rubicon but let's get the video. No, no, no, no, NO!

Be away. Be gone. Be not there. Safety ahead of documentation. Get the hell away from the situation. Don't pretend you know what will happen next.

You are correct in saying not needed for divorce. Handy for criminal proceedings....after the injuries have been bourne....assuming survival.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

he is verbally like that no physical. just always blame,blame me for things, then when i know he is really ticked those words come out, i leave and then he says he's sorry, (but if you just wouldn't do things like that to get me mad etc) YOU know those guys. weve been married 27 yrs and have 3 kids under the age of 12. (we waited a while to have our kids) HE will do anything for his kids really, JUST thinks im too fat, don't work hard enough at my own job (because i'm not tired when i get home) etc! oh well. I just keep my chin up. ignore him, but i know it's not good for the kids to hear etc. i tell the whole family we need couseling, they all think we can do it on our own. WE can't and it has not gotten any better. and YES at work, everybody loves him!


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RE: husband always wants to fight

tiredgirl, I agree with virtually everyone here. As long as you tolerate what your husband is doing, as long as you are willing to put up with it, he will continue mistreating you -- he will have no reason to change. It's that simple.

scarlett was blunt, but it seems to me she was just trying to give you a wake-up call while there is still time -- BEFORE you get pregnant, BEFORE he takes his anger out on you instead of the wall, etc.

You said: "I've told him I'd leave if he continued to pick these irrational fights and he told me go to hire a lawyer."

Sounds to me like he's daring you to do something -- and that he does not believe you will.

Call his bluff. Hire an attorney. Get help from friends/relatives so you can enforce a trial separation (with a restraining order).

See what he does at that point. If he is still not willing to get counseling to address the source of his anger, to quit mistreating you and become a real husband, then you will know that he is not willing to change.

I sincerely hope this helps.


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I should add...

If you do decide to enforce the trial separation w/restraining order, and your husband does agree to counseling, I would still advise you NOT to be quick to go back to him. Personally, I would advise at least a six-month separation to see what happens. And he will need to be accountable to a neutral party.

I knew a couple like this, a few years ago. What I've advised here is exactly what their pastor advised. Her husband was willing to do everything necessary -- including dealing with the root of his anger -- in order for them and their marriage to be healed and restored.

He roomed with another guy in their church, to whom he was required to be accountable (he had also cheated on his wife regularly -- that had to stop) during that six months. [BTW, that wife (who is a friend of mine) learned that uncontrolled anger and insatiable lust are often "twins" in such people's lives.]

The pastor would have required an even longer period of time if he had needed it. The husband was NOT given a six- month window of time in advance -- all he knew was that he could not return if/until he was a different person.

They have been back together for more than 10 years, and not once has her husband mistreated her in any way, with anger, infidelity, or anything else. I myself was amazed at the transformation in him, and of course I don't know him nearly as well as she.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

"at work, everybody loves him!"

They always do.

These guys are Jekyll & Hydes:

haven't you seen stunned neighbors on tv, all of them mumbling, "but he was such a *nice* guy. I just can't imagine him cutting up his wife & children like that."

I once got tangled up with someone like that, & it took me years to get away, & then for years afterward, I'd run into people who had known us both, & they'd say things like, "He was so *nice*. Y'all were such a *cute* couple."

I finally developed a stock reply.

"He was a Jekyll & Hyde."


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Syliva, I am going to have borrow that. I'll give you credit though! Jekyll and Hyde. Yep. On the dot!


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RE: husband always wants to fight

The Jekyll and Hyde analogy is often used for people with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). They often function very well at work/in public, but make their family's lives a living Hell.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

totally hijacking (you're not alone)... I am addicted to this thread. Something keeps bringing me back and I see something new every time. Sylvia, my little one came home the other night furious with hubby (STILL not ex). I said, "Kinda like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, huh?" and he said, "Only it's not one thing during the day, and the other at night!!!!" "So you mean it'd be better if you could at least predict it, right?" "Yep. Ever changing all day long." And to me, that is the worst part of it. Which thing to believe. You're not crazy tiredgirl, you're confused, rightfully so!!!!

I don't know why I didn't see it Sweeby, you are so right on it. I feel heard. It means so much to me. Count me as identical to that, even the yuppie part:
"Abused women were poor, had little education and few options; abusive men were dirty, unshaven, had bad teeth, drank too much and drove ratty pick-ups to dead-end jobs. They weren't Yuppies. (Remember them?) It couldn't be happening to me, because I wasn't stupid enough to get myself into that kind of situation...

Except I did. And so did you.

Admitting that my husband was abusive was *very* hard for me to do.
Until I finally did it.
Then it was the most liberating thing on earth! And I felt like shouting to the world that I wasn't crazy, over-sensitive, humorless and unattractive. That my husband was simply a defective jackass who used custom-made suits to disguise his deep-rooted emotional problems. And that I deserved better and was going to get it.

And I did.
Within a year, my life went from miserable to wonderful.

Happiness is out there.
At first, merely ending the constant pain will make you feel wonderful.
A few weeks later, you'll realize that it's much easier to do more work alone than it is to do a little less work but live with constant criticism.
A few weeks after that, you may stop doing some of the work because you realize it doesn't matter to you at all if it gets done or not - whoopee!
You'll find yourself meeting tons of interesting new people because of the smile you just won't be able to keep off your face, and they'll be attracted to the vibrant, positive, take-charge person you've become."


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I see this post is a few months old; wondering how the OP is making out.

If the OP is still following, I want to add - is it a certain time of the year when he gets like this or is it all of the time?


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I resemble all of these remarks and agree with most of them.
My husband gets mad and then five minutes later he brings me a sandwich or coffee and pretends nothing terrible just happened.
I tell myself to stay cause the good outweighs the bad, but that's not working either.
Mine mostly complains to get me to comply cause I do the thing to try to get him to leave me alone. No physical, but it almost seems like if he beat me it would be over quicker and be less painful. I need meds!
We all have problems and I wish everyone well.
I too am making preparations for security reasons and the kids. But I could be risking too much.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Hi,Shaula, & welcome.

"Good" never outweighs "Bad".

Someone who dishes up "Bad" is not your partner, not your lover, not your advocate, not your friend.

He's just another predator/parasite (they're really the same, it's just that one devours you from the outside, one from the inside) using you for however many meals he can get.
The only reason he dishes up any "good" at all is because it keeps you on the hook, & it preserves his image in the neighborhood.

Once you're all used up, like last night's dinner, he'll burp & find a fresh victim/host.

"five minutes later he brings me a sandwich or coffee and pretends nothing terrible just happened"

That's part of the classic abuse cycle;
there's a build-up of tension, then an explosion, then what's called the honeymoon phase, where the abuser treats you extra-nice.

It's a very temporary thing;
you'll get badgered & heckled & bullied again very soon, & it'll get worse.

The cycles will get shorter, the bullying will escalate, & your children are growing up thinking that this is just life.

If you sense that you'll be at risk at all, please get some advice from a battered women's shelter or similar;
they've got vast experience with this kind of thing.

I wish you all the best.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Maybe he is acting that way to make you leave him, that would make it easier on him. I know someone who tried that.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

I've been thinking about this since last night; I don't know if you're still together. This is an old post. Anyway.

Your husband is very very insecure. He loves you very much and is afraid of you leaving. All he thinks about is you leaving him. He is trying desperately to control you any way he can. Unfortunately, he's acting like a toddler.

He is afraid. Who knows what he's afraid of. Many things.

Here's what I recommend:
1) Start going to Al-anon. It's for everyone.

2) Stop justifying and rationalizing. Stop argueing. Tell him, "I love you." Once a day and mean it. That's it.

3) If he pulls away, just let him go. See it as an opportunity to do your own thing. He's going to pout for 24 hours? That's 24 hours for you to do whatever the heck you want. You don't have to cook for him, clean for him, etc. You can go to the mall and hang out with your girlfriends. Let him pout! Once he sees you're not going to kiss his ass, he'll stop.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

registered yesterday, pulled up a thread whose last previous entry was in 2011, & recommends showing an abuser that 'you're not going to kiss his ass'.

which is a good way to get killed.

OP & anybody else, please do not take this very bad advice.


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Short answer, yet again. If he is picking fights and not responding for days, you have a problem. Get away from it now and do not try to analyze it.

You know it is wrong, so just get away. Deal with it, and just get away from it. It is not normal.

Cheri


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RE: husband always wants to fight

Before anyone takes Cheri's posts to heart & feels inadequate, read her own thread in which she scolds posters for not having already applied 'simple solutions' to their problems.

Here is a link that might be useful: cheri's point of view


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