I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

But really, there is not point in arguing over futile things - like the dog- but you know this already.

He is somebody who hasn't grown up- I guess you know this already.

I have a concern as to what this behavior is doing to the children in the house. They are learning to behave in an inappropriate way - do you think ?

The question for you is - what do you do now.

I really think you both need counselling - there has to be a change in behavior coming from him. He has to stop with the blaming and vindictive mentality - but I guess he has to acknowledge that he is doing that and make amends.

Perhaps that is the direction you need to consider at this point. Doesn't sound like a good home for children with all that anger going on.

And if he won't go to counselling (which I suspect he won't, then in your shoes I'd start working up a good exit plan, even one that included moving out of state if I thought he would continue mean and vindictive. Because really, life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells and sitting in the car in a parking lot because it's better than being at home. You know?
And as popi points out, this is not modelling how to maintain good relationships for your children, besides the stress they must feel living in a powder keg environment.

I agree with the others. Do you have a job? If not, please contact your County or City office for assistance. You will need an attorney, a safe place to go to, and counseling for you and the children.

My ex was like that. I arranged an apartment and moving van without telling him. Moved out while he was at work. Had already packed up a lot of stuff and stored the boxes in closets so he wouldn't see them. But I didn't have children.

Good luck. Kudos to you for recognizing that you need to get out.

He is using his anger to control you. Believe me, this is not going to get better, it will continue to get worse, much worse.

I would seek a counselor and a lawyer. If you just move out without telling him, you can be accused of desertion and that will affect custody. Examine your options before you make your move.

Wouldn't it be nice if OPs came back with an update or even a thank you?

momof4plus1, what you describe isn't just a short fuse;
when a person has to walk on eggshells & escapes the house to sit in a parking lot, she isn't living with just a 'short fuse';
she's living with abuse that's about to turn violent.

This guy doesn't have a an intolerance of minor frustrations.

He's a rage-a-holic.
He *likes* being enraged.

If the dog hadn't had an accident, it would have been something else.

Maybe he wouldn't have approved of the paperback you were reading when he came home, or maybe the soup would have had too much salt.

Nothing you or the dog could have done would have made any difference.

As Scarlett said, these things never get better;
they always, always, always get worse.

Taking your things isn't just about doing something you don't like;
it's punishment & control.

The next step will be to take away your car keys, your cell phone, your computer.
If you have a job, he'll make you quit, or he'll engineer it so that you lose the job.

When screaming at you doesn't give him the release he wants, he'll hit you, & once that barrier has been broken, the violence accelerates.

Please get yourself & your children out of there.

You can get advice & guidance from women's shelters;
please let them help.

They've seen it before, & they know how you can protect yourself.

Please let us know how things are going.

I wish you the very best.

My husband became angry last year and has not let it go. It seems when things start to calm someone want to stir the pot. Now the same people stirring the pot want me to drug my husband on the fourth so they can strand him a fair distance away. I just figured out I wont do it. If he finds out how he was stranded he wont worry about the law, He will kill all involved. I know this will make his father and friends angry. But I have to draw the line somewhere.

This isn't normal, it isn't 'just life', it's craziness, & it will get you killed, & then they'll all keep playing the same game anyway.

Please get away from this entire messed-up family;
your husband is a powder keg, & his family wants to pull you into their manipulative, disfunctional, plans, plans that would be absolutely suicidal for you.

& their 'plan' is irrational:
not only is it guaranteed to result in a rage, it's not necessary.
If all they want to do is enjoy the holiday, they can have a party at a restaurant or at a public park.
Even rage-aholics are less likely to throw furniture & beat up on people in a public place.

When people are brazen, bold enough to suggest something like this, they're also sneaky enough to punish you if you don't go along with it...by telling your husband some made-up story about you.

Time is short between now & the Fourth, so your short-term action must be to move the party to a safer place, but that won't change the long-term danger factor;
please get away from the lot of them.

I am so surprised at the long answers in this post.

My short answer?

Get yourself as far away from this situation as possible, and get rid of him as fast as possible.

There are times you can work at a marriage, and this is not one of these times.

Sorry, but this is not an easy fix. I have had some bad times, but NEVER when my husband of 20 years was this wierd-crazy-irresponsible.

get while the getting is good.

Cheri

I totally understand your situation, but I do want to ask about his "growing up" time. Was he raised in a family without a lot of stable conditions? By that, I mean "of the same" or "not normal conditions, should I say? My husband too was brought up in a "not so good environment, and he's #4 of 8 children, and it was a rough up-bringing for them all to some degree. Some areas affected some more than others, but this being said, does help to know the basis of the stem. Most of the 7 children (as 1 did die at the age of 18 in 1990) are on anti-depression medication, and have been diagnogsed as bi-polar, or something of similair. I've been married to the love of my life for 27 yrs this Oct. and let me tell you the last 3 haven't been fun at all. Most of the marriage has had it's times, but, it's like in full force now with the anger. In fact we've really fallen apart bad a few times lately, but we're starting counseling and marriage classes with a christian church this Friday. It's going to be ongoing. I just know it will. But I see you're stuggle, and you're doing the right thing by researching, and reaching out for advise or anything that may work. I've been there for quite some time, and you may want to google....Passive Aggressive. It sounds like you're really in a relationship with a husband with that condition. There's no cure, but it helps by you understanding. And not calling him out on it, as I knew I couldn't either as I don't have a degree to do so, but maybe even baby steps to help him see what he's actually doing. That's been my husband's problerm, and a passive agressive person always blames YOU! for everything. Even if it's black and white plain as day, and you had nothing to do with it, but it's you're fault and it will come down on your shoulders. Look it up, and not just one site, but many to fully understand, and let me know your thoughts. I'm the type that I believe I can fix anything, and i've been scared on this, even though i'm giving my best effort, but I can't throw this away until I know I've tried and down all that I can do. Sex, was getting scarce for a couple years, but i've even got that back to a couple times a week now. Awesome on that, until we argue, and then it just seems that he must take it to the extreme, and it doesn't stop until I take the larger part of the blame and reconcile. Just not what I intend to do for the rest of my life. I am 46 and he is 49, and we've just got to make this work, or else. 3 children, all grown and moved out, so that's a struggle also I'm thjinking, but it stems from his passive aggressive behavior and upbringing in such a passive household. Good Luck, and keep me posted

Cheri's 'advice' can be understood more in context if you read her own thread in which she scolds people for not recognizing that most things have a 'simple solution'.

'I believe I can fix anything'

'we argue, and then it just seems that he must take it to the extreme, and it doesn't stop until I take the larger part of the blame and reconcile. Just not what I intend to do for the rest of my life'

Well, guess what?

You can't fix everything, & you will be doing this for the rest of your life unless you do something different from taking the blame.

"You can't fix everything, & you will be doing this for the rest of your life unless you do something different from taking the blame. "

Wise words from Sylvia. Why do we keep doing the same things and expecting different outcomes ? Funny old human beings.

This guy is a creep and you cannot deal with his anger - that's his problem, not yours. This is also known as emotional blackmail. Find some support (mother, sister, etc) and get out of this toxic relationship. You do not want to be a statistic on the 6 o'clock news. meo