I'm so very, very sorry you're going through this.

You asked for input, so here goes. Only you know whether or not you want to continue the marriage. You and I both know only you can decide whether or not it's worth it. But yes, love is stirring peanut butter. I cannot fathom being married to a man who wouldn't be happy to stir the peanut butter, open jars, lift heavy packages and hold the umbrella so I won't get wet in the rain.

You deserve to be married to a man who thinks you are beautiful and calls you a princess as an endearment. I am sorry your husband isn't that kind of man. You are young, and it would be hard to go through the rest of your life with a man like you describe. I wish you the very best as you decide what to do.

"The hard part is going to be finishing off our house so it's rentable/sellable in this market."

Sell it as-is for whatever you can get, split the proceeds, and get out of there. No....got that backwards.....get out of there and then sell it. Seems to me the "hard part" would be enduring another day of proximity to the slug you've described.

You're young and ambitious. You can make up any money lost. But you can't get back the time and life that's being sucked out of you. Act sooner than later, please.

And be ready to resist the complete turnaround he'll promise you once he knows you're leaving. They do it every time.

Thank you absolutely from the bottom of my heart.

Yes, love is stirring the peanut butter. I have carried the bags for too long.

And yes, the complete turn around has already started. Dinner was made last night, concerns were said about my hand, etc. But I honestly have nothing left.

This has been such a hard year. My childhood friend committed suicide in March 2010, my aunt was missing and then found dead over the summer, my step-grandmother died in August, my childhood best friend died in December. I went to her funeral in January and another friend died of melenoma that same week. And last month my maternal grandmother died, and yet another friend's little brother died of a drug overdose.

Life is too short indeed.

But Asolo, get out of where? Here is my issue. I have a daughter, who is almost 10. She has school. She has a life. I have a VERY GOOD job. Where do I go? Back to my home state? I'm so tempted, my dad, my daughter's dad both live there. I would have a place to live. I could get a job. BUT. The house is in my name. And my home state is across the country.

As/is... I would be LUCKY to break even. And I would still have to do prep things... finish planting/paint interior/move DD etc. There is a lot of prep regardless.

I don't want to jump from frying to fire. DD goes to her dad's for spring break (2 weeks) and then to summer with dad in June. I have a bit of time that would not make it traumatic for her. And I don't want her affected if possible, as much as possible.

I am not so worried about money as DD is pretty set for life from her dad. I am SO fortunate compared to others in my situation. My biggest concern: DD. financially and emotionally, is taken care of.

Ex-DH, says he will help. I just need support and I am so grateful for your responses. It's happening, I'm just feeling very alone at this point. I told my neighbors tonight and they were wondering what took me so long. Same with my boss, and my aunt.

Ok, so what now? Do I move home? Do I move home to my ex, or to my dad? I could not sell this house for the mortgage right now, so it's either we continue to pay this house from our other rental (paid off) until the market gets better... or?

I'm so mad. And I'm so sad. I feel like a Dr. Seuss character. Drinking pink ink in the sink.

I know this is an internet forum, I know there are two sides and everyone has an opinion. But I've been on GW for 6 years or so, the time I've been remarried almost. I respect both of you, Daisy and Asolo. I am so grateful, weird as it sounds, to have the both of you to respond unsolicited and without bias.

1. I have a great job. I get paid well, but not enough to cover the mtg and all bills myself. But, well enough and DD can come to my work anytime and I can leave anytime for DD,etc. Practically perfect as a working mom.

2. I am 2000+ miles from my home state. DD's dad lives there, in our family home. We broke up for many reasons but are still good friends. He still lives in our home/his home, lol. I need help raising DD, I've felt guilty about her being so far from her dad. My BFF, etc.... all live there. BUT... small town, etc. and I have a LOT of family here too.

3. The house, the mtg, etc.

I'm tired, so this may be a little wordy. Any other thoughts are appreciated. I'm working on getting a loan modification for interest rate to lower everything right now. Working on the small stuff. Still not telling most of family until I can straighten my head.

Thank you.

Silver - you sound very tired so when you have had a good sleep and are thinking straight..how about considering my comments.

Perhaps you could make a list of all the positives to staying where you are and the negatives. Then do the same for the place where you could move to. When you see it in front of you, it may give you clarity.

It sound like, to me, your best option is to move back where your father is and your child's father is. That sounds like the best thing for your daughter. If she is happy you will be happy.

I am exhausted just reading about all the things you have been doing all these years. All wonderful skills !

When my sister told me she had a second bought of cancer, it turned my life around ( and hers). I realize that it is so important to get up everyday with hope and joy in your heart because each moment is so precious. Perhaps you should be trying to achieve this in your life.

I have given up work, and am now working on creating happy memories for all the members of my family. It is really important to work out what is important.

If it means that you sell that house and loose money, but gain peace of mind then that is worth doing.

Good luck my dear.

Oh Silver, I'm so sorry to see you posting this. Endings are always sad, even when they're necessary. While I'm also sorry to hear that your current husband is such a jerk, I'm glad you've recognised this and are not willing to put up with it. You're right, love is stirring the peanut butter. And what your husband is doing now is too little, to late. As soon as you relax your guard I bet it stops.
If you're concerned about disruption to your DD and getting the house sold, I'd plan to move back to your father's town when your DD goes to her father's for the summer. Start now on fixing up the house to sell and get it on the market before summer holidays if possible. Don't get too elaborate with redecorating etc as most buyers want to put their own stamp on things anyway. If things in the US are anything like here most families want to move in the summer holidays so that should be a good time to sell if you can get it on the market early. Frankly, I'd even take a loss if it meant getting away from your jerk of a current husband.

Silver, my advice is to go very soon to see the very best divorce lawyer you can find. Explain your situation, tell him/her you haven't decided yet whether or not you want a divorce, and get advice on how to protect yourself financially. Then take your time deciding what to do. But get any financial protections you need in place now.

I had a friend who was thinking about getting a divorce, but not sure. She went to see a divorce attorney just to get advice about what to do in case, and it turned out to be a wonderful decision. He gave her good advice about how to protect her assets and what to do in preparation in case she decided to get a divorce, and it turned out to be a very good thing she followed his advice.

Not only was she able to document all their assets, but she snagged the best divorce attorney. So go ahead and get the best legal advice you can. The other decisions about whether or not to move, etc., can be made later.

I'm so sorry you've had a rough year. What you've been through sounds terrible! But this terrible year has probably highlighted that you don't want to go through your older years of life with this man.

I know what you mean about getting advice over an internet forum. Sometimes it's so nice just to vent or get opinions from someone you don't know in real life.

Hang in there. I know it's overwhelming, painful, exhausting. You will recover and be fine, just hang on. And your daughter will be fine. It sounds like she has lots of love and a strong, supportive extended family. She will be fine. And even though we are just internet acquaintances, we are "real" people and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Yeah - I HEAR this. My second husband was like that. Now that I have had many years to get a perspective, I realize that I came from a family that worked - a lot. We never hired handymen, painters, gardeners, etc. However, Ex DH came from a family that valued education - he was a perennial student who spent all his time studying. The house could have fallen down around his ears and he wouldn't have noticed. After 11 years of working myself to death, I realized that I was part of the problem. I was a compulsive worker. The more I did, the less he did.

So ask yourself this question: are you ABLE to let go of some of the work? Can you farm some of it out to hired
people? Would the cost of that wake him up?

If the answer is no, you may have to realize that some people are just not workers. They really don't care. But you should also look at yourself: do you have an addiction to work? It is one of the recognized addictions.

Move home to your ex. You said he will be supportive and your DD's relationship with him comes before her relationship w/your dad.

Forget your dad, he is tied to your step-mom....how much help do you think she will let him provide?

Hi Scarlett,

Yeah, I'm a workaholic. But he used to work too. He has done so much work around the house. But at some point in time things changed.

And it's not so much even the work, it's that he stood around and critiqued my work.I'm tired of the attitude, and I've been tired of it for a really long time. I've just hit the wall. I don't like him, I've asked him to look at himself and he's not willing. He throws it back on me.

If I'm that awful, why spend time with me? And I think I'm pretty fine, so I couldn't care less if that's how he thinks at this point.

***************
Jessy... I don't know. My ex says he'll help but I don't know what that means. He's a business owner, so his real time available is small. I would have a place to live no matter what, rent free. I'm pretty sure he'd want to get back together.

So confused. One day at a time.

My marriage is over. My husband moved out over the weekend. Such a relief. Thank you for the support.
~Silver

OK, good. The biggest decision's made.

Now, please do your best to prevent the divorce from becoming a war. If you can at least obtain his cooperation in that, you'll both save a TON of money and triple that in aggravation.

Time will handle the emotional/readjustment part. You appear to have a well-utilized and rational brain. I think you can trust it.

Silver, I wish you and your daughter the best as you make all the decisions and changes you need to make. You sound like a wonderful person and a wonderful mom.

Agree with the others....keep it from becoming an ugly mess, keep the lawyers out of it. My ex and I, while it could have gotten very ugly with all the sh*t she pulled, went thru mediation, cost us maybe $3,000 total....mainly because I decided to put the past behind us and do what was best for the kids. Compare that to the 20-50K that most other divorced couples I know spent, and continue to spend on lawyers, court fees, forensic accountants, etc.

Even thought part of me feels like I had to "swallow my pride" just to be able to do this divorce thing in a civil manor with her, it was well worth it in the long run.

All the best to you, silver. You have one of the biggest hearts on GW and I hope all works out well for you and your daughter.

Thank you. We're getting along better now, and he really wants to be friends. It would almost be easier if he were being a jerk now (lol, not really,,,, but...!!)

*sigh*

I wish you the best. It takes real cajones to take the step.

Divorce is a rollercoaster ride. At first you are elated to be free, you're on a high. Then comes the down part. Then you are up again. It's a predictable pattern, you have to realize that your emotions are on alert and try to ride it out until it's over. Be your own best friend as much as you can. Good luck.

I have a friend who owns many shopping centers, his wife is a doctor. When they were divorced and each got a lawyer to represent. Total cost for both of them reached up to $50k. (the more money you have, the longer it takes to settle.)
He came to my house and mentioned to us that he wished he hadn't get a lawyer. That $50k could pay for his children's education later when time comes.

One Saturday the husband went shopping in the mall with his children, the little girl (3 years old) saw her mother and said to her dad, "daddy daddy, that is my mother, that lady is my mother" She didn't even know that her mother and father knew each other. Because on weekend when the kids got drop off and pickup, husband always sits in the car and wait until his ex open the door for the kids.

that is the saddest story I've heard all day, and I hear sad stories all day long.

I agree that is so sad, the child didn't know that Mum and Dad knew each other. I wonder how the parents felt about that.

Silver I'm so sorry to hear about this. Normally I never go on this forum, and the one time I do I see your post.

Wow I admire your strength, so many people just choose to put up with it. Good for you for looking after yourself and your DD. I do wish you all the best, you seem like such a nice and upbeat person. I was going to write 'you're going to be ok' but I know that you already are ok!

>>

Glad to hear you are starting over, and have good self esteem. If he realizes what he lost he may be sweet for awhile, don't buy it, he just wants his work horse back. Sorry he treated you so badly, I've been married a long time, we have our ups and downs, but I was never treated poorly like that...Good luck to you..

Silver, I am sorry to hear of this. Your husband sounds like my ex. Glad he moved out. You will need to make sure that your assets (any bank accounts, etc.) are protected. Close any credit cards that you have jointly. Some exes are cooperative but some are not.

I agree with the others - do NOT believe him if he starts courting you and promises that he will change. There is something twisted inside some men that makes them feel they can take advantage of people. Please do know that not all men are like that.

If you must stay in your current city because of your job, maybe you can find a room to rent for a while so that you can save enough to buy a place for yourself. You are young and have energy and pluck; you will soon be back on your feet and feel so much better to have gotten rid of him.

Best wishes. The beginning steps are hard, but in the end it is worth it.

Thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart.

It's been three weeks since he moved out. He came over last weekend, I was napping and woke up to him kissing me. It was awful.

My boss said "change the locks". I hadn't because I was thinking he'd give the keys back, etc. Of course, he should have given the keys back the moment he moved. So, I called a co-worker who was at my house a few hours later and got them changed out. Thank goodness for friends.

I'm at a total low right now. You're right, it's a roller coaster Scarlett. I was pretty high this weekend but I'm dragging right now. DD is back from her dad's... she says she is "scared". I don't know about what. I'm worried about her.

Ex came over yesterday to see DD, I told her if she didn't want to see him that it's ok. She says she does. I don't know what to do about that.

For now, I'm keeping my house. It's in my name. I cleaned out the guest room, painted it and have a roommate moving in at the end of the month. I've cleaned out my closets, moved DD into my room (if I'm having roommates I don't want her apart from me).

A neighbor told me it was my fault X was kissing me. I told her I have the right to wear a short skirt without getting raped. I had forgotten the judgements that happen when divorces go down. I need to remember to protect myself from those types of comments.

"I was napping and woke up to him kissing me...."

HUGE bad indication! Anyone -- including him -- would know that! Please be careful. I don't like the idea of that at all.

"A neighbor told me it was my fault X was kissing me."

Hope you reamed them out on-the-spot.....as they deserved to be. What an incredibly nosey and stupid thing to say! Then, again, how did they come to know about it?

It'll take a while, but you're going to be fine. Put it in the bank.

Your neighbor is ridiculous. Completely, totally ridiculous. If your daughter overhears something so totally, jaw-droppingly stupid, it will be a good opportunity to make sure she gets the message from you early that she has the right to say "no" to being touched, no matter what she's wearing.

Hang in there, it will get easier for both you and your daughter. I hope the roommate arrangement works out well.

"I'm in my early 30's. I'm reasonably attractive, 5'3, 125, with a degree, a good job, and an excellent work ethic. I'm not afraid to get dirty. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I'm fairly easy to get along with. Most people tend to like me and find me interesting. I don't go out and party, I don't spend money on clothes or shopping. I'm not a nag."

And does yard work? If my marriage doesn't work out you can come live with me in Cali LOL! No seriously that was a joke. But I always seem to find the opposite; women who mostly care about money, clothes and shopping. My wife now is not a nag, not really, occasionally she yells at me.

Anyways, he sounds like a major douche. I too don't know why you stayed so long. Get outta there asap.

Asolo, she found out because I texted her and her husband, both friends of mine, to ask if he could change out my locks. She came over, she gave me the "I've lived in this neighborhood, I wouldn't sleep in my yard, you're brave no matter what" spiel.

I don't give a hoot. I was in my back yard, well off the common road, in my cabana having a cat nap with a friend.

My mistake was thinking people would take it as serious as I would. My boss did. My co-worker did. Took all of 30 min to change out the locks and now I know how for next time.

Fricking side note of shame:
Tonight my 10 year old, as she is doing homework, says she feels like a liar. I don't know why, but I feel it's truth-30. I tell her that she knows the hole in the wall is from SD and that I lied to her. She acknowledges that. We discuss that anyone who will punch a wall has bigger issues. And that the only way to stop being a liar is to stop lying.

To yourself.

and to others.

f-me.

I have a really great kid. And I really messed this one up.

They say the first step in solving problems is to call them what they are. Another version of "owning your stuff."

You've never done this before. You're committed. It's going to be OK. Yesterday's mess-ups don't have a claim on your future.

Thank you Asolo. That's what I keep holding onto. That yesterday does not define today.

I am so relieved today. I am so happy. My happy meter is off the hook. It feels so good to be honest. I was lying for so long. Lying to myself, lying to other people... when people would ask about my marriage I'd lie lie lie.

What an absolute relief. I feel like a giant weight is gone. Thank you for your kindness.

So annoying that other women, who should be supporting a sister, say crap like that. That's about HER issues, not yours.

And kids are very resilient. You are being a role model for her to take charge of her life, when needs be. The basic family unit is parent and child - if she has one parent who really looks out for her, she will be fine.

Keep hanging in there!

Thank you Scarlett... that was part of my outrage. I have a really hard time seeing her now. I forgot the first time that people get divided over divorce who aren't even involved. But here I go again... lol.

I am so fortunate that my daughter's father is in her life and she has a really large extended family who cares for her. She knows she is loved, she knows she will be cared for. I am so grateful.

And, now I'm really really really mad at my husband.

I do not have too much advice, as I am not an expert. Take my opinion if you wish, but I think you should most definitely leave him. The lists of things you mentioned infuriate me putting myself in your shoes. You DO deserve better, and I don't think you have done anything wrong. So what if it's your second marriage? Everything in life are learning lessons. Perhaps you had a couple to learn before you find Mr. Right. Please ditch him and discover your own happiness.

Thanks Bentley, he's been out for nearly four weeks. I'm doing so much better. And you're right, the lessons were so painful, and so worth it.
~Silver

I saw this thread quite some time ago, but lately, have been wondering how you're holding up? Thinking about you!

I'm awful Rob. This is so very difficult. I don't know what to do. Taking it one day at a time, trying not to freak out at the details. I really appreciate you asking. It is kind of hard to admit how much my Gardenweb friends mean to me. Your support means a lot. Thank you so much.

Been a couple of months, babe. Your supposed to be well on your way to stabilization. What's happening? What "details".....although I'm guessing financial....because it always is?

Silver, I have been thinking about you, too, and hoping things are going as well as possible with you. I hope you feel a lot better when your daughter comes back. Hang in there, things will get better.

Yeah Silver it'll take some time. Y'all will get it all sorted out. I remember the high after he left and how much calm, peace, serenity there was in the house. For both me and the little one. Then the reality sunk in and it was time to get down to business. Let yourself mourn the loss. Then get on to gettin' on. Don't rush it. And if he's anything like my ex-, he'll try things you never thought he was capable of doing. Don't take it personally. My guess is, after having been through it, it was his way of mourning. I found myself looking for joy after the peace came, so you'd be pretty normal if it went something like that. If not, that's ok too.

I'd be cautious about excusing someone's vindictive behavior as "mourning".

Vindictive behavior springs from anger, often outright rage, that the angry person feels because he isn't getting everything he wants & it's all your fault.

Be careful.

I'm not excusing-I'm forgiving. It's not my fault and I won't take the blame. Which makes him even angrier. But tough noogies. The court told him whose fault it is. And he has have to live with it. It turned out ok, and I don't have stress since I forgave him. He does. Probably beause living well is the best "revenge". Bless his little ol' heart!

:)

:) Thank you everyone.

He has decided not to sign the papers for the refi, for one. No changes to the loan, except hundreds of dollars less per month. I'm down to the absolute wire, already transferred the funds to close... and find out the agent didn't get his signature and now he won't sign.

Fairly stressful. He's moved out, but most of his stuff is still here and I don't know where he's living. And he's calling people to tell them how great his life is, how non-stressful it is now that he's not living with me.

This has been a really hard two months. I've been trying to stay positive but I've hit a few bumps and I'm starting to run out of steam. I just have to keep reminding myself this will not last forever.

I'm getting a lot of validation from others who know him. Evidently he's done a few things to people that I didn't realize, similar things that he's doing to me now. So at least it's not personal, he just has a personality flaw.

Glad it's in the process of being over. Really tired of the process.

Silver,

Yep--pulling his punches. He wants to be in control. Shaking my head.

you reminded me. What I found out? He was telling people that was doing _____________ when it was really him doing it! Complete and utter projection. NPD. But then, I know you know about that. It makes me sad there are some that believed him, but then, what do I care if they want to believe him? I know better.

Chin up! You know better too. (hugs to you!)

I read a book, "The Object of my Affection is in my Reflection". It pegged him, exactly. It was uncanny how many of his personality traits were in there.

It amazed me that I didn't see his game for so long. I could feel something wasn't right, but I was fairly convinced it was my problem.

He refused to sign a re-finance that would help you & that wouldn't hurt him...

This boy needs some guidance in looking ahead;
how does he think he can make a judge think that was a good, or at least benign, idea?

That's the deal with NPDs. They don't think (beyond the end of their nose). They feel. But only about themselves. Regardless of what the consequences are down the line. Even if it shoots them in the foot. As long as they exert control, that's the important part. 'sides, they're above the rules and laws. Doncha know? (wink, wink)

Or so they think. My judge told him otherwise. I assume Silver's smart enough to know (from all the interactions I've seen, she is SMART!), to just give him all the rope he needs. Their judge is likely to see it all; they've seen it too many times! He's gonna hang himself in court. It won't be pretty. She knows how to handle herself with poise and composure. She'll come out on top.

I know, you too, know about abusers Sylvia. You've said some spot on things. I respect both of you deeply!

I don't know ladies. Rob, you've hit it on the nose. He doesn't care as long as he's the smart one, the one in control.

I hope he hangs himself in court. I feel so stupid.

You may be a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them. Just let him say all the idiotic things he normally says and he'll hang himself. Undoubtedly.

Judges generally don't much like divorces. And they especially don't like stupid arguments from silly people. I suspect you'll come out fine although your attorneys will be happier than either of you.

All I have to remember is it's only money. I got out. :) And he has to go home with himself.

that's the best revenge