scared

17 years ago

My husband of over 20 years started asking questions like if I did not come home when I work over what would happen, how would you like to separate and finally I am talking to an attorney on Monday. He did talk to the attorney and told me if we go dissolution (Ohio) we divide all assets 50/50 and if we can agree what to do with the children then it would be inexpensive. Well, I went to an attorney and he agrees all assets 50/50 but there is alimony and other stuff. When spouse heard I had the attorney and told his attorney, she refused to handle the case for him. We are going to counseling and he keeps a suitcase with him because I was ready to file for divorce and he is afraid I will, plus the "temper I have". Anyway, does this sound like he really wants the divorce/separation or was he just blowing smoke because he found an old ex that seemed appealing until he found out the cost of leaving? What would you do, I found out they have had lunch and met one night for a few "minutes" ending in a hug, 2 hour drive from the house we share. When I called her husband, she called and said that she was sorry and it would never happen again. My attorney says stay away from her, all this happened before I hired him. What would you do? I know the children and his family will blame me, but i am sick and tired of being lied to and not trusting him? Help me please.

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Comments (9)

asolo
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well, of course you talked with an attorney. Divorces are legal matters and both parties typically want a professional to look after their interests. I have no idea why his attorney would back away upon finding out you had one. That's weird.

He is correct about it being "inexpensive" if you can agree. However, that doesn't generally mean actually inexpensive. It typically just means less expensive than if you and your attorneys get into a p____ng match and run your legal fees up. However, both of your financial lives will be altered significantly regardless of method.

As to alimony, child support, and the rest -- well, duh! Those things certainly are considered on a case-by-case basis and may well apply in your case.

In my expererience (friends and self) the first question is simply "Do we want to fix it or do we want out?" What happens next is dependent upon what the answer to that question is. Next question is substitute "I" for "we" in the same question. If either of you want out badly enough, there's essentially nothing the other party can do except protect their own interests in the separation. If you want to fix it, there's obviously work to be done that only the two of you can do.

I don't know your circumstances and I don't know Ohio law. What do you want to do? Whatever it is will change your life as you've known it. Only you two know what's best. I do encourage both of you to consider the childrens' interest ahead of your own.
labmomma
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Your husband was playing a mind game with you of control and you just took back the control. Good for you. Don't let anyone do that to you. Do you really want to remain married to someone who is threatening you? Doesn't matter that it isn't a physical threat. It is an emotional threat of ending a marriage. At that point in my book, it's over.

Okay - The main thing I am wondering is why you call the "other" person's spouse? I have been reading that more and more on this forum and I just don't get it. Maybe you could answer for me, what did you think that was going to accomplish?

I am not trying to offend you but both males and females seem to think that calling another person's spouse and informing them of bad behavior is going to do ...what??? The only thing it accomplishes is makes more misery. Is it that you want everyone involved miserable. I don't think that is the conscious intention, but I just don't get it when people do that.

Can someone please enlighten me? I am a strong believer in deal with your own spouse. I don't care if he/she is cheating. Let the other people involved deal with their respective spouses. What is this trend with calling the "other woman/man's husband/wife" to tell them what is going on?

I wish you the best. Get what you are entitled to and dump the jerk. There are no more statutes for adultry at least insofar as punishment for same available in divorce proceedings. Make the divorce short and sweet. Don't quibble over stupid things. Don't make your lawyer's car payment. If possible, negotiate as much as you can with your spouse. Less money in the lawyer's purse and more money to split. When you use your lawyer as a psychiatrist and to fight your husband for the towels with the monograms, it takes money from the total amount to be distributed. It is just wasteful. Be as adult as possible, put your anger aside and handle it like you would any other business transaction. Every time you call your lawyer or your husband calls his, you are billed. If the phone call lasts 1 minute, you are billed for 6 minutes because that's how billing in these matters works. Six minute increments. There are ten an hour.

If you need to talk to someone, talk to a friend, family or a therapist - your health insurance will pay for the therapist. Don't pay your lawyer to be your therapist.

Best of luck to you, and if you can answer my question I would surely appreciate that.
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micke
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
labmomma is correct on the lawyers billing you for everything. If you go through with this make sure the paperwork is simple as well. go through the house and make a list yourself, go over it until you are sure you have everything, every time a lawyer sends a letter to the other lawyer you are billed for each sheet of paper sent(my mother was billed 50.00 for each one) That is why she is saying try to do most of it between you two. If you are arguing back in forth over issues using your lawyers as a go between means more paperwork, more phone calls, more money for the lawyers.
Labmomma, you know I have never had a problem like this with my spouse and I think if I did I would just deal with him as well, that is what I am saying NOW. But how would I react if he cheated??? I would be so flaming mad I just may want to take it out on all parties involved, why let the her off the hook? In reality I doubt if I could go through with that, I would be afraid of some dude coming unwound on me and accuse me of trying to cause problems. But if I was her husband I would think I would rather know she had been cheating, than to be left in the dark maybe contracting lord knows what kinds of diseases as she makes her merry way around.
It is a double edged sword.
lizzie2
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Why did I call her husband? I called him because I believed he needed to know how she operated. My husband knew her from high school, they attended a camp together. They exchanged letters for a long time until she wrote him that she was expecting and would not write him again. It was not his baby, they never had did anything (he had told me differently, but whatever). Then she judged a contest our oldest daughter was in. She took the email addresses off the contest form along with cellphone numbers. He spent 2 hours looking and calling the hotel management trying to have us meet during the contest. He emailed her work, she asked which email she should use and then she started emailing me as a friend. When I would ask about her husband, no reply. When I asked about all of us going out to eat so we could meet, no reply. It was odd. So when I found the emails she and my husband exchanged, I decided her husband needed to know...for months I knew there was something going on. The day I called him, she and my husband were meeting again near where he works. This was not the first time and she was describing what she was wearing, color bra, how it closed, etc. So it was like ok if my husband can know maybe her husband should also. Within a few minutes of leaving a voice mail, asking her husband to call me, she calls me at home, why did you call "sam", I am so sorry, this will never happen again, I am so unhappy with him, I needed someone to talk to, etc...same excuses my husband used with me, but hers let on there was more. To make a long story short, that night when I checked my husband's email there was another email from her about when they were meeting and so on, he ripped the laptop out of my hands in front of the kids and I decided there and then I needed an attorney. Since I had attend the area college and one of my old professor's wife is now a family court judge, I asked whom to retain and she have me the name of the one that is most hated in the area from the male cheater stand point...a real tiger. Since I hired him, husband's attorney turned down the case unless it is a dissolution and he is no longer talking divorce. I am in counseling but the attorney has all the emails and stuff. Am I happy I called her spouse, you bet. My husband called his parents and mine and told them all I told you...hard to handle for him. Now if we do end up in divorce, I will not be to blame except for his family. My girls now see their dad and what he did. They understand why I am not so trusting and know I am working on this and going to therapy. He needs to go with me next month and if I can learn to trust him again...we will survive this. Can we? I do not know, he did tell me he called her from a payphone to check on her to see what her spouse is doing and if she was ok. I am staying away as per attorney from both of them. I will never forget how my old professors helped me, they really are caring people since I have been out almost 20 years. Sam did call my husband and threaten him, but that is his story and I cannot believe Sam would do that although I do not know him after all who knows what she told him about my husband. As of now, the emails and all the proof of the affair is in my attorney's hands and a lock box. I do not trust my husband with them as they are the only proof I have and until we divorce or one of us passes away, they will stay there as a reminder and as a security blanket.
labmomma
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Am I happy I called her spouse, you bet. My husband called his parents and mine and told them all I told you...hard to handle for him. Now if we do end up in divorce, I will not be to blame except for his family. My girls now see their dad and what he did."

Two comments:

1. I feel sorry for your kids. Don't involve children regardless of their age in your divorce. Their dad didn't cheat on them. Hurting them because your husband hurt you is wrong in my book. Any therapist will tell you the same. It's their dad, don't you get that at least? Things that go on in a marriage should be private and not involve making one spouse or the other a bad guy in the children's eyes.

2. Why would you care what your husband's family thinks?

I could go on, but I will defer to the posters who will support your behavior. I on the other hand, think there is probably another side to this story, especially in light of all the facts you did not include in your original post.
lizzie2
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Labmomma, the night he did not get home until 1:00 am I had the 9 year old in my room crying because her daddy was still at "work" and she wanted to say good night to him. The older girls (18 and 16) were told that he never had done what he did, so when I had proof they got it. He lied to all of us, if it was just me I would not have done that, but they knew there was something wrong. also the 9 yr. old asked him, why can't I write her anymore when you can go see her and email her...he could not answer. Yep, i agree, it should not have happened but he let the cat out of the bag. He is not a great father either.
labmomma
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
lizzie2 - Your responsibility as a parent is to make sure your children are well both physically and mentally. What you are doing is WRONG. Your child should not be awake at 1 a.m. asking where's dad. You should be putting her back to bed and telling her not to worry.

This is a real shame that you have drawn these children into your problems. He may be "not a great father", but what you are doing is not a shining example of a great mother.

Sorry if you are offended, but you need a wake up call. I have little tolerance for weak women, and you are acting very weak if you are allowing the lives of your children to be affected more than is absolutely necessary.

You are the adult, the 9 year old is a child (the others as well). Act like the adult. Don't use your children as a sounding board regarding the acts of their father. Your job also is to protect your children, not use them as a shield.

Get a therapist and one for your children as well.

Best of luck to you.
popi_gw
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with Labmomma, please dont destroy the relationship of your children with their father, its clearly wrong. You can twist it and say that they know what he did, that he let them down, but you should be brave and strong and say, "Daddy loves you".

I know you are in a very difficult situation and you feel badly let down by your husband, but please try to rise above "blaming" and work to a "postive" solution to the situation.

All the best to you and your family.

Popi
coolmama
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think Labmomma's comments were a bit harsh...but her and I have been known to have major difference of opinion on this subject.
I dont think you were wrong to contact her husband.He does have a right to know what is going on! I also think if it made you feel better,then what is the harm? If they want to go about in their immoral acts,they have to pay the price.

My husband's ex was writing him love letters,I posted about it on here under "surrounded by exes". The advice I got was good and told me my husband had to tell her to stop contacting him.He did so,but I also e-mailed her and was criticsed for this.I followed my instinct,and afterwards I felt a huge relief.So,I dont feel that I was wrong for doing so.
I think it would have been more wrong for you to NOT contact her husband.He is going along thinking everything is fine,while his wife is being unfaithful or at very most being inappropriate in her marriage.If she had done this behavior with one of his friends,they would have told him.It's the right thing to do.

I urge you not to involve your children though.They are innocent in this and dont need to know what their dad is up to.All they need to know is they have two parents who care about them.

scared

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scared

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asolo

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