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what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

Posted by icaris (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 30, 07 at 12:24

i was wondering if someone could give me advice, my wife and have been going on and off with arguments over little things. and some of those things have escalated into large full blown arguments. it seems our marriage has been struggling for quite some time. and it has alot to do with both of us, not being the one to step down. although i have many times just to end the fight, she has not. and because of this i think it has given her an ego to the point that she is never wrong, or does nothing wrong. what would be hurtfull in my eyes, she sees it as not a big deal "so what" type of thing. we've been together for 11 years 6 of which are married, over those years she seemed to have gotten worse with her self, being angered more easliy, cursing all the time, and blaming everything on me.
before i got blamed for things being my fault occassionally, but now its all the time. i don't have to even be home, for something to be my fault. we've had some issues with certain computer things, those got resolved, but as she told me if i ever doubted her ask her.
so the other night we had another outing. i asked her about somthing i came accross, once again, as it was nothing new to me, she blew up, started screaming and yelling, as i am the only one to keep my cool. and talk in a rational manner. she thinks that screaming makes her right. now also which i forgot to add is over those years we have been together, in some of our older fights, items have been thrown at me 98% which of them actually made contact. our last fight we just encountered ended up with her scratching my face, hitting me on the side of my face and hitting me in my mouth resulting in a bloody lip.
in the first process of her scratching my face, i finnaly snapped, i sorta slapped her in her face to more or less try to push her away from me, but my intension weren't to actually slap her, it was more of an accessive push. but after that, she then hit me and i aquired a bloody lip. i have never laid a hand on her for the first time, in 11 years it happend. was i wrong in doing so. she didn't get hurt, nor was there even such a red mark on her. but anyway, i have delt with for 5 years of our marraige, is it time to call it quits? im afraid of it, because i know after that (devorce) i will only see my kids on weekends or every other weekend. i need to see my kids everyday. they are my life. do i stick with it so my kids can have me in there lifes everday and grow up with two parrents, or do i give up and let my kids see me on weekends or every other weekend and grow up with seperated parrents. i don't want my kids to experience that. but i don't want to be in a marraige that im getting abused in iether.
do i seek counseling. i do love her, but i can't stand this constant arguing and fighting, its not healthy for us or my kids. i just don't know what to do?
i appreciate all input you give, and responses, because right now, my only friends are you!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

I don't know what to tell you but I will pray for you and your family!


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RE: what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

Have either of you ever been to therapy? Seperately or together? I'm extremely concerned about how you are settling your differences. It may not be serious abuse, but it is still a form of abuse here. You,but mostly your wife,needs to learn how to "fight fairly",meaning no physical or verbal abuse.No name calling,no placing blame...
If there is any hope at all,you need to both go see a counselor. The sooner the better.You are concerned about not being able to see your kids~understandable...but you should be MORE concerned with what they are learning about relationships from you and your wife. It is VERY bad for them to be around such negativity and violent behavior.
Your wife may have some sort of chemical imbalance and need medication as well.Because this does not sound like rational behavior.
I really hope things get better for you and your children!


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RE: what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

If your children see this kind of behavior, they will think it is acceptable behavior. What will you do when you get a call that one of them has hit a schoolmate? Or how about when they are older and in their own relationships and you find out it is a abusive relationship? From either end, they could be the abuser, or they could be abused themselves.
This is unhealthy for everybody involved. If she won't seek a doctor or counselers help you need to get out and you need to take your children with you, she could possibly turn on them if you aren't there to take it out on, even if she has never done it before.


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RE: what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

You sound an awful lot like guyguy (look for his post). If you think you're doing your kids a favor, think again. Both your and your wife's behavior is childish and just plain mean. Give those little ones a break and cut it off. Believe me, I know.


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RE: what do i do? need anwsers please!!!!

Icaris

I think you are doing the right thing by posting here. By saying that you dont want to live like this and you want to have a happy home, and that you love your wife, well I think you are one step on the road to dealing with your problem. I applaud you for admitting that you are making mistakes, and you want to correct them.

Where to go to now.

Have you said all this to your wife ? When you are both calm, and in a happy frame of mind, can you bring up the behaviour that concerns you and talk about it, and see how she feels about it ? Maybe you will be united in your need for a more harmonious home life.

If that is the case then that is a good place to start from. I think that counselling would benefit you both. Learning how to communicate in a way that is not destructive, is a priority for your family.

When you come to the realization that you are teaching your children to behave in this manner, you will be shocked, and realize that that is not what you want. You must protect your children, you dont want to ruin their lives, by your inability to improve your behaviour, and of course you wife's behaviour.

I think there are reasons why people behave in this manner, but I think at this stage you need to take emergency action and work out later on why this is happening in your marriage.

Prioritise your problems.

All the best to you.

Popi


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