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Any 'stay at home wives'?

Posted by Phyllis_Philodendron (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 15, 02 at 12:23

I hate the term housewife. I don't care for the term 'homemaker' either. I got married 8 months ago and have terrible luck finding a job - and just looking for one depresses me. My husband likes me being home and we're managing, but things could be better, I guess. We have no children yet, and when we do I don't want to work then. I would really like to work from home but am having some trouble getting started.

Anyone else in this boat? I'd like to hear from you! :)


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I had to stay home with the kids 3 and 15months for a half a day this week and just about tore my hair out. I don't know how people do it. One with kids they drive me nuts and ones without I get bored. I would prefer going to work and playing on the internet all day and get paid for it.

Oh did I say that out loud?


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I guess I sort of qualify... I quit working 4 months ago so that I can take a bigger load at school and finally finish this @$%@$% degree! For seven years, I have been going to school full-time and working full-time, and I have no idea how I survived. I love not working now, being able to focus on school, and having the time to cook (which I actually love) and keep things in order around the house. Now, if I wasn't in school I would die of boredom!


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I do enjoy cooking more; actually, once I got married I found out that I actually could cook. What a shock to both of us!

I really don't miss working all that much. I don't have kids yet, but I find plenty to do during my day. I have so many craft projects that keep me busy. But ironically, this afternoon I got a call about a job interview, so that could all change in a few weeks.

Just wondered about all the other 'wives' out there. :o


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

There's an adjustment period of a couple of years......

It sounds like you really need an outside interest. Volunteer work is great - you can do it one morning or one day a week. It gets you out of the house & you'll be with other people like yourself.

I always feel really awkward for the first couple of months after I start working with a new group & have to force myself to go back. Then, something clicks & I feel like I'm a part of things.

Check your newspaper, call your local United Way, or have your husband ask around about which nonprofits could use some help one morning/day a week. Hospitals, Schools and humane societies are always looking for volunteer help.

Good Luck!


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I stay home also, but I do babysit...7 days a week. I have taken up sewing to get a feeling of some sort of 'accomplishment' but not sure how long that will hold up.

This will be my 3rd year staying home and honestly, I'm ready to get back into the 'swing of things'. Have debts I REALLY need to pay off and I worry continually about them. It's not a very good feeling at all.

I do like staying home with my baby but she's almost 2 now and hopefully soon I'll either be doing respit friday - sunday and eliminating the monday - friday babysitting or going back into the 'field'. It's a lot of work staying home and with all the babysitting I don't even have the time or energy to go grocery shopping.

I miss the sense of the 'seasons' also. Nothing like the wind cutting thru you in December when you step off the bus downtown and walking into a nice warm office...or feeling the warmth of the sun and wishing I could play 'hookey' for a day..summer daze. Half the time I don't know whether it's warm or cold, rainy or sunshiny...Getting out just seemed to define the season for me with all the hustle & bustle or see'ing all the leaves changing colors and dropping..and the smell in the air was always a defining moment in time. I think I miss that most of all.


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Well, since we don't have kids yet I get the impression from some people that they think since you don't work you're lazy, as if you don't have a good enough reason to stay home. Maybe I constantly feel like I had to justify why I don't have a job to others and to myself. Sometimes I do babysit and a couple weeks every 2 months I do some freelance editing work (I wish I could do that full time from home!). I do enjoy staying home and I have plenty of things to keep me busy (I just finished a queen size quilt!) and I know I will miss having all that craft time when I go back to work, whenever that will be. Some days I just don't feel like leaving the house, and other days a trip to the post office or grocery store is an "event." Somehow that really doesn't bother me. I just wondered if others had "guilt" because they weren't working but not taking care of children, either.


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Phyllis, I was laid off a couple of years ago and decided to take some time off. I thought I would go nuts because I have had a job since I was 13. But I loved it! I was not bored, I was very busy, and got so much done and I had a great quality of life. Alas, had to go back to work but now that I've had a taste of it I am thinking of ways to have more balance, or at least retire early.
I know what you mean about guilt, I used the "laid off" story to expalain no kids/staying home even though it was more of a choice, to avoid the "lazy" label. Ironically I was much less lazy when I didn't "work" - my home was in order, my finances were in order, I had time for personal projects and some volunteer work, I did not sit in front of daytime TV. But society today doesn't recognize that really, so good luck. But I am really envious, you enjoy!! :)


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Lpolk,

Thanks for your response! I completely agree. I have gotten so many things done that I always wanted to do and never thought I would have the time for. I remember last summer when I met some of my husband's coworkers for the first time at a party - one asked me what I was going to do this summer and I told him, "Oh, I don't know, sit around and eat bon bons or something." He didn't know what to make of that remark!


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Phyllis, I have been a SAHM for nearly 20 years now and I hate the term "housewife" too - it seems to infer real drudgery to me. Now "Home Management Executive" certainly has a different ring. And it really gets on my nerves when someone asks me "Do you work?" Like I sit at home all day watching the soaps -not!!! DH and I decided that I would stay home while the kids were growing up and I was quite happy about that as I had worked for years beforehand. But having said that, for me I do feel that my confidence and self-esteem has slowly been eroded away by being at home - partly because being a SAHM has a stigma about it - even though I do think that bringing up children is one of the hardest jobs to do. My youngest is 15 now and I am starting to feel that I would like to get a part-time job. I was a secretary before marrying and something in this field would be great, but it has been so long since I was in the workforce and so much has changed, that I think my chances may be pretty slim. But you never know!!!


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Well ladies, I have a different perspective. I'm 51 and have stayed at home with my children most of their lives. I worked full time for a few years after they were in high school and take occasional part-time consulting jobs now that they are grown. I earned my BA in history a few years ago - which was a wonderful experience. But it has been my privilege to stay home - and I tell people that. When someone inquires "What do you do?" I answer, "Oh, I have the privilege of not having to work - I'm much too busy gardening, antiquing, and entertaining friends & family." It was a struggle financially to be a stay-at-home Mom, but I honed my skills in decorating, cooking, reading, family involvement, volunteering, gardening, antiques, entertaining, etc. (how many people get to do that?). When we were raising our 4 children, finances were tight - but I did what I could with what we had - and I never apologized for being a "housewife" and neither should you.


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manoman i'd love to quit workin' outside my home and stay home workin' and doing the things i want to do, unfortunately, in this house DH is the one who gets to do that, and we don't have kids.
Lucky me, i'll be unemployed in 3 weeks i get to look for the same kind of position that BARELY pays ALL the bills since DH has no income that i've been doin' since 1977 and despise, when what i'd really like to do is take time off and find a position that really means something to me, but bills wait for no one, especially the mortgage company, so i do what i have to.


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I have been a housewife for 16 yrs. and I enjoy every minute of it.


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Well, I'm not married but we have an almost 3 year old that I've been home with since he was born. At first it was okay and I kept busy with my newborn. Then it got old. I was so lonely and bored and tired of watching TV. I remember having some sort of schedule where I'd watch only certain shows each day! Then when DS was about 9 months old, I bought a kit of cermic houses for winter. I started painting and found that I liked it and could amazingly paint small areas and not make a mess out of the house. From there I went on to other premade things and then started painting things in the house. I found out I was pretty creative. I also love cooking, as long as it's something I'm hundry for, though! I also have gotten much better about cleaning the house and keeping things organized. I say that comes with age! LOL Now there are so many days that my fiance' gets home and I tell him I have no idea where the day went at all. I actually have many nights that I crawl into bed with aching legs and I realize I hardly sat down all day and was from one end of our trailer to the next doing laundry and picking up and scrubbing things. I think I'm crazy because I love doing things I once hated! LOL It's also helped now that we have 2 vehicles. Up until a month ago we only had one and my fiance' took that to work. So if we needed it for an appointment or something I had to get DS up early and we would take my fiance' to work. Now it's a lot easier! I can actually go to the store and get groceries or go visit my Gran or something.

Being at home all the time does take work. I don't think people are generally lazy because they choose this lifestyle. There are people out there who do make us all look horrible and they are the ones who do plop they're butt on the couch all day and do absolutely nothing. I do have my days where I don't do much but then the next day I may work a lot harder than normal. As long as it all gets done I guess,huh? I really wouldn't want to do anything else right now. I'm so happy to be able to be at home with my son every day. I get to teach him what I want him to know and learn and I get to see all the things he does in a day to share with his father when he gets home. There are days he drives me nuts but those days are usually forgotten after a good one. I guess the best part is I get to make up the rules and make sure he follows them. I mold him into who I want not what some day care thinks.

Yes, we do wish we had more money sometimes but who doesn't? Is there ever enough? We've learned to get by and realize just how much people take things for granted. Money isn't everything and neither are personal possessions. There are so many people out there who think they can't live without they're cell phone or brand new car but I know they aren't what truly matters. As long as you have a roof over your head (that you can afford), clothes on your back (they don't have to be the big brand names either to look good), food on your table and your bills are paid so you have your utilities and other things~ you are okay. (Oh, and I told MIL that toilet paper is kind of a necessity, too LOL) So as long as you can afford to stay home or at least figure out a way to make it affordable and it's what you want . . .do it.

~Leslie~


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Cattknap-- YOU GO GIRL!!!! Yours was the perfect answer :)

Phyllis-- I stayed at home when we first got married also. I had just graduated from college, and we moved away from all family and friends. My DH is in the Army so we move every 2 years. That first year, I was a substitute teacher occasionally. I chose how often and when to work. I began subbing again this past year since my DS is in Kindergarten and DD LOVES her preschool. But, I have to say, I do enjoy the "privilege" of not being required to work. I have been so involved in volunteer work and organizations that I actually have a dayplanner to keep track of what is going on in my life!

All of my friends from high school and college work fulltime. Just attended our 10 year h.s. reunion and I was only one of a few who didn't have some high profile career. It doesn't bother me though. Didn't make me feel lazy even before we had children either. I know I do not sit on the couch watching tv and eating bon bons all day (at least not EVERY day LOL).

Just make sure you have enough going for you that you don't end up being a recluse and staying inside constantly. Don't let anyone talk badly about staying at home...I think it is truly a gift.

~Heidi


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I'm not married, I'm living with my BF. I'm divorced and I consider this relationship to be much more of a marriage than my real marriage ever was.

I stay at home too. I can't say stay at home mom since we aren't having kids, and I can't say housewife since we're not married! LOL

I worked for a few months after we moved in together but then my BF got a new job that required a lot of travel. He is in a wheelchair and requires an assistant (me) when he travels. Since I wanted to go with him and I could never find a job that would allow me that much time off, I quit. His new job pays very well and my old job didn't, so it was no big deal.


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I worked for the same employer for 26 years and then they went out of business. I have not worked for 2 years now and I love it. When I worked I never had enough time for anything. I was a retail store manager, nights, weekends, and whenever the phone rang! Now my house is tidy, the laundry gets done and we eat much better. I am tired of everyone asking me if I'm bored yet! Bored?! I have a million things yet I'd like to do. Don't get me wrong, we're not rich, but we manage. Differently now than when I worked, but we get by. It just depends what kind of life you want!


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i think that if u wanna do this, then no one should bag you for making a choice whch suits u and your DH...

i don't know what i'm gonna do when we have a child. i always thought i'd stay at home with my child, and i suspect i will want to when the time comes, the only trouble is that i have a great career which i love, my boss is great (i work in politics so it's a kinda pressurised, one-on-one situation), DH and i are great friends with my boss and his DW and family and this job seems more like a project we are all working on together rather than just a job...

plus i earn great money and i guess we would have to decide if we could do without it once again, mush is so right, it does depend what kinda life u want and i think when i have a baby i won't care about all this other BS!!

Phyllis, you go for it gal, i think it's all we can do in our lives to be happy and if you're happy, stick with it!

ed


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I agree Mush, I worked most of my adult life and still do part time but, I finally have enough time to do the things I have wanted to do all of my life... I stayed at home with my children when each were little but, always returned to work when the time was right so, I never really have had the opportunity to spread any wings so to speak and actually have some time to myself... It's great and I love it. Bored? Not a chance.... LoL


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I never worked outside the home..

And to those who might have thought I was lazy my reply was...I don't work because "I DON"T HAVE TO" kind of a na na na na na naw thing....

Patti


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I'm a stay at home mom. I haven't worked in 3 1/2 yrs. I have an 8 yr old and a 9 1/2 mo old. I worked my butt off before I met my husband. And I never got to spend time with my daughter. I was a single parent. Then I met George, a few months later we moved in with him. After that he asked if I would like to stay home with my daughter. At first I just couldn't do it. I was use to having my OWN money for one thing and the other, I just didn't know what to do with my time. Well, we went looking for houses and found one. Just before we moved I got pg and then miscarried. It was hard. Once we moved in here my daughter started kindergarten the next day, (year round here) and we got married. I cried the first day she went. I just couldn't figure out what to do with my time. After cleaning and cooking, what else was there? I enjoy keeping my house clean and my family fed, I feel like a good person that way. I take pride in our beautiful home. But, I needed something else. So I started crafting. At Christmas time I do annual Christmas ornament exchanges, I'm the host. That takes up a lot of time. I also decorated our house, painted, bought the furniture. Did my daughter's room, the family room, the guest room. Still have more rooms to do. Then after 2 yrs of living here and trying to conceive I got pg, and now I have my little boy here. He keeps me busy all day long. I enjoy my time with him. Sometimes it's hard and I need a break when hubby gets home. We decorated his room as soon as we found out we we're having a boy. His room was my craft room and my daughter's play room. But now the loft is our activity room for all of us, computer, toys, crafts, you name it. I am just starting to sell Mary Kay, it seems to be really popular here. I wanted to make some extra cash, this year is hard with all that is going on in the world, it's affecting my husbands company. We want to take a vacation, a road trip with our kids. So I've been mapping out everything, looking for acmpgrounds with hook ups and so on. You just learn what to do as time goes by. It drives you crazy at first, but I can honestly tell you, I don't want to go back to work unless it's my own company, which is what we are working on now. It's not for everyone. I have a friend who just can not stay home no matter what. She has 2 jobs and a boyfriend. She is also my son's Godmother. She was married but recently divorced, and once she stayed home for 2 months and almost lost it, LOL. I plan to go to school next year. So this way if anything ever does happen, such as death or divorce, I will have something to fall back on. But I have to say, I have a wonderful life, husband and kids. And I wouldn't change any of it for anything.


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I have been a "stay at home wife" since the birth of my first child, almost 16 years ago. My husband and I agreed that if we were gonna have children, we didn't want others raising them (babysitters). Times have been tight but I wouldn't change anything! I have had several part-time jobs and probably should look for permanent work since my "baby" is almost 13 but it seems like I don't have time to have a job...I'm always busy, and I don't mean busy eating bon-bons!


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phylis,

im a SAHM and before the kids i was a SAHW, i prefer to think of it as "semi-retired". don't feel guilty about staying home, my dh loves me home, he comes home from work to a clean house, happy kids and dinner in the oven. we save money because we don't eat out, not with me home to cook. we have nice flower beds in the summer, and i tend to redecorate the house or sew or do other crafts in the winter. and yes i enjoy a little day time tv some times to. i allways figure that women who are "caddy" about SAHW are just jelous. for the most part we don't "sit and eat bon-bons" all day, but i have to admit that once a month i stay in jammies all day and catch up on the soaps. GOOD LUCK!!!


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I don't know if I fit in here.... we have been married for 28 years. I worked out of the home for the first 7 years of our marriage. When we were building our home out of the area of my job - we decided that I should quit to facilitate the move, which I did. From that point on, I have been at home. A few years later we had our first child and then started a business for which I do all the office work - out of our home. It has been absolutely wonderful because I have had the luxury of being a girl scout leader, soccer Mom, etc while still keeping my hands in the pie so to speak!! I know that I could never leave my kids in day care. They are now 16 and 15 and have never had a baby sitter. I could never find anyone that I thought was adequate to care for my most prized beings. Since my DH and I are workig together - we do have some differnces of opinion sometimes and we ultimately work them out for the best after much discussion. Fortunately - or unfortunately (depends on the perspective) - I am a very strong willed woman. I love being a businesswoman when I want to be. DH has also gotten to love being his own boss and we often call "days off" . I think we have the best of all worlds. Life is good.


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Rosie, I appreciate your point of view. I sometimes think people get the impression that the only reason to stay home is because of children, which we don't have at this point. You said you work from home - I would love to do that! I am still "freelancing" and now I will be working from home and can't wait. But I did wonder, how can I make myself more marketable? Do any of you others work from home, specifically in the writing or editing field (or some other home based business)? I'm not sure how to get started with it all.


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Phyllis, I don't have kids - if I had, I would definitely have stayed home with them. I tried the SAM route after moving to Michigan but it lasted about 3 months! I couldn't get over feeling guilty that I wasn't working, though $$ isn't an issue, and it was nice spending a lot of time working in the garden & spending days fixing up the house and being creative. Well, I'm a mom for my dogs and they enjoyed me being around all day! But I've always had businesses & employees and lots to do work-wise, and I felt like a kid getting an allowance, which I hated. If you stay home & don't have kids, how do you deal with that feeling? I tried telling myself I was keeping up the house & property, which I was...but truthfully I have time to do that on weekends & evenings...I couldn't justify not being employed at all. Like Rosie, I *like* being a businesswoman when I want to!

So I work out of the house part time, doing painting & faux finishes (done that for 23 years, now I have no employees, I'm doing smaller jobs & keeping it simple.) I also started writing a few months ago, and my goal is to do that full time eventually. I just finished a book which is going to be published, so I'm very excited about it. Just sent the first draft to the editor (so she can shred it to pieces I'm sure, but that's her job.) :)

What do you freelance in? I can give you some book & website recommendations to get your engines revved up if you're interested in the writing field, feel free to email me.


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I'm doing copy editing and page design for a small newsletter here in the Buffalo area. I like it but because the organization is so small (and practically broke) they haven't decided how to pay me without breaking the bank. Also because of legal issues, they aren't sure how to pay me without hiring me on as an "employee." (they are non-profit) I'm sure there is plenty of literature out there - I'm just not sure where to start! If you could email me some info, I'd appreciate it! And if you need a newsletter done, call me! :) phyllisphilodendron123@hotmail.com


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Im a SAHM/SAHW I only worked for 4 months at my own business in the last 10 yrs. I like being home he likes me home and im fortunate that his salary affords us that ..alot of girls would like to be in that position and cant and I feel very fortunate and for that i am greatful!


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I'm with you Eileen, everyday I'm grateful to be home with my kids and home for my hubby, who loves to come home to a clean house, food on the table and 2 healthy happy kids. He likes me home. We can afford it and I'm thankful for that.


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Im marrid 32 years. My husband always said as long as he could provide for me & 3 kids I was not to work.He did a wonderful job were living good. But he likes all the good things of having me home. Home cooked meals,[Pies] I do all lawn work. Each mowing job is 5 Hours!!!!I take care of all the animals.So i do more than my share around here.


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I know I'm chiming in late, don't know if anyone's still reading this thread, but here goes.

Having kids to look after really does make a difference in other people's perception of you as a SAH wife. If you have kids, they'll nod and say "great!" If you don't, then surely you're just a slacker, right?

I'm not one of those who believe a woman's place is in the home, necessarily - a woman's place is wherever she needs to be. I see running a home sort of like running a business. By supporting your DH - making sure the home is nice, his clothes are well cared for, he has great food to look forward to, family and social obligations are organized, etc., you're working right alongside him. AND there are lots of things you can do to earn an income at home, if you choose to do so. It just takes time and thought to find the right niche.

I'm a SAH mom of two young children, and I feel very fortunate to do so. It drives me crazy at times, since it was hard to adjust. I really thought I'd be working FT all the way through, but circumstances changed. My mom worked while I grew up, and I feel very fortunate to do things for my kids my mom couldn't do - be a GS leader, take them to classes and sports, have adventures on a whim, just have a lot of time to get to know them. Money is extremely tight, but we'll make up for it eventually. I do some freelance writing, which helps a lot. And even when the kids are old enough that I could work outside the home, I'm hoping I can still stay home and write.


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It's ironic that this post would pop up again, just as I'm starting a new part time job! My first day was yesterday. I'm excited to be back in the work force and working for a newspaper, and it seems that they're flexible with hours so that when I do decide to have a family it will work out. Thank you for all your answers and support. : )


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I like the term Homemaker, it is what I do, I make a house a home. I made our home a peaceful place for my husband and kids to come home to. I worked 3 years and applied the money to the mortgage, paid off the house in 15 years instead of 30. My home is not like a picture in a magazine, it is full of things that make it interesting and unique. When people come to my home, they enjoy walking around and looking at my "things".


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And I thought I was the only woman in the world who stays at home and has no kids. Yes, I feel I need to explain it to everyone. The first thing someone will ask you is "What do you do?" Our society defines you by your work. Stay at home Mom is one thing, but stay at home with no kids? When I tell people I don't work I get a "look", like they can't comprehend what I am telling them, LOL.

I worked as a graphic designer for 15 years. Towards the end I hated it and am glad to be done with it! I love toodling around the house, working on my garden, playing with my dogs. I keep busy too, always have some kind of project going and I am not lazy! I'm just lucky that I have a supportive spouse and got to "retire" at 37. I will never go back to impossible deadlines, rude bosses, middle of the night press checks or mind-numbing meetings (that go on forever) if I can help it. Why would I want to?

I know some people thrive in the business world and would consider my life a bore but I'm happier than ever. And now I see I've got good company in many of you all who have chosen a similar path. :^)


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I'm a stay at home wife too...no kids. I get the "What do you do all day" question all the time, so I composed a huge list of items to rattle off.

The funniest thing is that when I tell a man that I don't work, they say "good for you" or "that's great!" but when I tell a woman, they say "what do you do all day" or "oh, I would be soooo bored!".

Well I have never been bored at home and I have tons of things to do, every day! Plus I have the benefit of being able to be on hand if my aging parents need me. When my mom needed someone to take her to some medical tests, I was able to do so without the problem of having to rearrange a work schedule.


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Blueridgeroses, You sound like you did what I do. I do some page design work from home and love it - although I love it alot more now that I'm getting a paycheck for it. Although sometimes the group I freelance for can be impossible - simply because they don't know what they're doing. So there's a lot of last-minute changing around stuff that drives me nuts.

I'm glad more women without children responded. Somehow it's completely different than if you don't have kids - somehow, as I've mentioned before, you have to justify it even more because it's like you don't have a real reason to stay home. I enjoy my mostly 2-day a week job (they are cutting my hours already) but have resigned myself to liking staying at home even more. I've gotten over the paycheck contribution thing, and even though I work very little, I'm contributing something monetarily, which is better than nothing. Although my home isn't a model showpiece, it's still our place and I take care of things my husband wouldn't have a clue about. He's willing to admit that, and somehow it all evens out.

I do a lot of sewing, and have managed to complete some things I thought I would never have time for, which is very fulfilling. Somehow it doesn't bother me to know that I haven't left the house at all on a certain day, which I think will prepare me for motherhood ;). Some people would go stir crazy if they had to deal with that! But not me. : )


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After my husband and I got married 7 years ago I hated my job so I quit with the intention of NOT going back to work. I think that was one of the best things that we did. From the start of our marriage we learned to live on one income so I didn't have to go back to work unless I wanted to, of course I didn't. We do not have children and it could be real easy to be lazy but I have gotten myself involved in church and various activities to keep me busy. I am "proud" to say I am a homemaker and am loving it.

Christy


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I am a SAHW wannabe! In a couple of years I'm planning to quit working. No kids here and at 43, I'm at the age where some folks "retire early" from a corporate job or such anyway. So I don't expect any flack. I've worked since I was 17, so when I retire I'll just tell folks I'm retired - end of story!

Our friends tend to be older than we are - we are business owners, so we hang out with other business owners/entrepreneurs/self-employeds because we have more in common. So some of my gal friends are already retired or semi-retired in their late 30's to early 50's, and they enjoy every minute of it. Some keep beautiful houses/gardens and love cooking. Some aren't interested in homemaking but are active with sports, classes, hobbies. Everyone's different. It gives me a lot to look forward to.

DH will probably never retire - he's the type who MUST be doing some kind of business and loves it. But I am ready and willing to stay home.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

Hi, I'm Muffie and I am a stay at home wife aka Home Executive, that's right I don't have children at home with me full time. I do have a step son that comes to stay with us every other weekend. Most people find it odd that I chose to be a stay at home wife and assume I am either unemployable or worhip my husband, lol! My Husband knows that I am an extremely valuable commodity and can do anything I choose with great success and grace. (That's why he married me) People think a stay at home wife is not a career, a mother, now there's a career! Well, I am a mother. I am a stepmother and very proud of it. My step son, is brilliant, funny, caring, and tends to ask a lot of questions...(like that car commerical! ) lol! While I do play the role as a stepmother, it is far from having little ones aorund a ll the time. A little about me. I am 27, I live in Atlanta Ga, my husband works for a major technology company and owns his own infosec company. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful husband that supports me in everything I do ( Sorry, I don't mean to gush). I am college educated and well traveled. After college, I had a string of jobs, and I excelled at all of them but I was never fulfilled. Infact, I searched for a career because I needed to be able to identify myself to others and to myself, but nothing fit and I became frustrated. I always enjoyed HGTV and DIY network, I dabbled in interior design and I started to toy with the idea of staying home and doing all the things I want to do but never make time to do. At this time my husband was my fiancee'. I finally worked up the nerve to tell him what I had been thinking. To my surprise he was very supportive. I thought, WOW now I can clean out the closets, clean the fridge out, catch up on laundry, plan menus, etc. But... as you suspect, none of that happend atleast not for the first year :). The first year was filled with failed attemps to organize and run a household. I started thinking man, maybe I made a mistake. But, the beginning of the second year I found a site www.flylady.net and my life started to change. It was an easy way to start a routine. Now, my house is ready for company at any time during the day. I started to look for more sites or groups on homemaking and started to study even more... My days now consists of nonstop challenges and order in my life. My husband and step son could not be happier... For women who think they will be bored and spend their days being lazy, obviously have never truly managed a household. It is very simiar to a business and it's all about the money .. the money you save by doing those creative things everyone has been posting about, the quality of life with your family and/or mate. We have been able to save enough for wonderful vacations to Paris, London, Hawaii, Las Vegas, NYC, Hong Kong, and many more I hope. Bottom line... a lot of money can be saved by being a wife with no children at home, Plus, I am able to take classes and have fun on my schedule no one elses. And that my fellow Home Executives is very rare


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

Interesting thread...and I have a lot of history with it.

During my first marriage I was "not allowed to work". That, by the way, is NOT the way to be a stay at home. It should be your choice. But...

I dealt with all the "What do you DO?" questions. Horrible. What other demographic has to justify its very existence? It was better after I had children but shortly after that I split. Other issues. It turned out that not only did my husband's colleagues doubt my usefulness but my husband had no respect either. Or faithfulness.

The point is: I believe that staying home is perfectly honorable. It is deeply satisfying to make a home. You who do this are providing very valuable support service. What you do at home is important. Especially if you have children but even if you don't. And I enjoyed it tremendously even though I got no respect. I believe the time I spent at home was particularly good for my children. I didn't want someone else to raise them. And I was a very involved Mom. We did all kinds of things that helped them learn and grow.

But then came the divorce. Like I said, there were other issues that drove that. It had to happen. Things got outrageous. And then I found out that for all those years I hadn't worked I got a big fat goose egg on my Social Security tab. I also had no retirement plan. My ex is now a millionaire. He has real estate all over the free world. I make $11.85 an hour. (And I'm a college graduate working in a very skilled position.) All the years when I could have been building a career and increasing my earning power I was trying out recipes and redecorating. Now I will never be able to retire because there will be no income if I do. Not to mention insurance.

If you do this - if you stay home - be very sure that you can count on your situation. Whatever it takes, be sure that you are covered. It is devastating every time Social Security sends me my "estimate" and there are 16 years of zeros. And a very, very small amount in case I retire at 75. Well, that isn't going to happen. I'll work as long as my mind and body hold out. I wish I could still be home. I would love to garden and I'd never run out of things to do around the house. I have a husband now and I'd love to dedicate myself to making his (our) life sweet. But he's retired and I'm up and out to my job at 7 every morning because I have to. At 57 that is no longer easy.

I did work - started a successful business and ran it for years - after the divorce. I worked from home because I STILL didn't want someone else to raise my children. I was contributing to Social Security but not to a real retirement program. That never did happen because I didn't work for any company that long. So now I don't have that option.

IF you stay at home...be sure that (1) it is because you want to. And (2) be sure that the person you are depending on for your support is dependable. That's difficult cause you can't see the future. So (3) be sure that you have some kind of plan to cover you in case the worst happens.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

Good advice Linda, thanks.


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I SO relate to you

I've always been treated like some kind of ALIEN! it's ok in society if you have kids, but when ppl find out you dont have any..it's like you've thrown a bomb at them!!

I'm NOT lazy, I'm NOT worthless, useless or anything else that those looks seem to say.

I always feel the need to pull an excuse out of my back pocket when those looks arise. My husband works shift hours, making enough money to live in a posh place with plenty left over. His job requires about 80 hours a week, alternating days & nights each week. If I worked, we would never see eachother! Nothing would get done either.

I consider myself the decision maker. I handle all our finances & even look for smart investments. Something my husband definately would never do. Honestly, it's the least I can do. I would never want him to worry about all these things at home.

And I do mean this-- if the shoe was on the other foot. if I was a successful business woman, I would not want him to work. I really do feel someone should be home. As I've explained to my husband before "If it's not filthy, it's being cleaned & looked after". Things dont just STAY immaculate 24/7. he knows tis though. I think I was just being insecure again.

I've wondered if it's jealousy?! These woman that give these dirty looks, they seem so jealous! Really! They act as though, having children was the only way their husbands would allow them to stay home! I feel so apologetic when they go from so open to throwing a wall up.

Purpose is what I beat myself up over. I feel that I have no PURPOSE. I'm looking into online degrees- Floral Design, Interior Decorating, Professional Landscaping. I want to learn anything I get my hands on. I want to be able to say "I am a _____" Look someone right in the eyes & say that.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I suppose your job, defines who you are. Whether that's good or not, I don't know. You can still be an interesting person and not be a wage-earner, its up to you to do interesting things, so you have something to talk about.

I think being a homemaker should have more prestige, but it doesn't these days. It's a shame.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?


Women are lucky, we often live longer than men, so at different times in our lives we can stay home and/or work if we want to. Men who don't work really face criticism. When I wasn't working I never really got any flack over it, but I lived in a neighborhood where you got criticized for either going to school or working. So I had to put up with neighbors who claimed that simply by Mom not working their children automatically got better grades, their houses were cleaner, etc. Times change I guess.
Personally I think it depends on your philosophy. When I was not working, I made sure to get more education, or a license. Because I always figured if you have to work--you might as well get as much per hour as humanly possible and jobs that pay well tend to be more interesting. They require training and education though. I have worked at home, personally I think the t.v. ads about making a big income at home are a bit much.
Now that I am older than a lot of you I can also add that your energy level and/or your health only lasts so long, and you can outlive a husband, or they can leave when you least expect it. Its always a smart idea to be able to support yourself comfortably if you have to, or have resources like a pension or savings or a house because life has some surprising twists to it.
Lindakimy really makes my point. One of my most annoying former neighbors now 60 and single works at Target and she is angry that she's not an executive somewhere.
I have my own law office and my husband and I travel a lot. I give my Mom credit for that philosophy, she lived through the great Depression and family reverses.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I have no experience except clerking in a retail store. I made more money at home taking care of the money my husband brought home. I used coupons, stocked up on sales, etc.. If I had worked I would needed a car, clothes and used gas to get back and forth. My husband's ex worked and thought I would work also. After a few months, he didn't want me to work, he like the home I made for him and he would have had to share the chores if I worked. No one has treated me any different than a working woman and I don't have to explain to anyone why I don't work.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

My husband and I got married over a year ago, since my son from a previous marriage has a serious health problem (type 1 diabetes) he felt that it would be best that I be a stay-at-home mom. We were having so many problems at public schools not allowing my son to carry his insulin with him and other issues, that we decided that it might be best if I find an online home school program. I found one that supplies the computer, all the books, the lessons, supplies for each course and they pay for the internet. I now have 3 at home jobs, caregiver, housekeeper, and teacher. I stay very busy and I LOVE it. My son has not been ill since we started to home school (before he would come home with colds and viruses and spend time at the hospital).

When I tell people what I do many tell me I have the hardest job in the world, then there are others who tell me I must be lazy.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I think it depends what you do for a living. I do like my job but I also like when I am on vacation and I usually don't want to go back to work. lol

If you can afford not to work and don't have a particular career that you want to follow, then it is really your business to work or not.

Who knows maybe if I could afford I would not work either, certainly wouldn't be bored. Whatever works for you and your husband, who cares what others think


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I am a stay at home mommy. I have 4 girls, one is 17 (from a previous marriage), ones almost 5, 3, and almost 2. I wouldn't want it any other way. I worked for years and at one point I worked in daycare for 5 years and I have a degree in child education. I can't imagine having any one else watch my kids because no one could do as well or love them more than me. I don't trust people especially in this day and age. Daycare gave me a bad taste in my mouth so to speak because not everyone is so nice and caring. I don't knock anyone that works especially if they have to financially. We make alot of sacrifices financially and it is very tight money wise, but I truly am thankful we are able to do it while we can. The only ones that I never understood were people who have children for "status quo" who don't need to work that are financially secure and they put their kids in daycare full time even when they are sick. Believe me it happens far more than you think. Good luck to you and you do what makes you happy because in the end that is all that matters, screw what anyone else thinks. Take care. :)


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

Ladies who are homemakers, my hat is off to you and I have to admit- yes, I'm jealous, too! I have two months off every summer and I love it.

But here's the flip side -I see women at my workplace who are coming for services because after 30 or 40 glorious years at home, "something" happened to their husbands and they find themselves in the position of looking to support themselves at 50 or 60 years of age. It's a very tough situation! So enjoy your freedom but be your own best friend and possess a job skill or two, "just in case".


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

I am another one that has stayed at home to raise our kids for the last 13 years. During pregnancy DH would say he wanted me to stay home, what was the point of having a child and then a stranger spends more time with the baby then the parent (meaning daycare) during the day. Then after baby, he changed his tune slightly, saying if 'I' thought I can take care of baby and work AND take care of the house - go for it. When I tried to get out of him just how much 'assistance' I could expect from him, he implied he was way to busy with his job and other 'projects' (that also earned income) to help much. So I decided to stay home! Best thing I could have done for my kids, I know I would not have had the time to spend with them at night with bathing, reading, homework when they were in grade school had I been the working mom, coming home from a day in the office and having to make supper/laundry/grocery shop etc, while DH lies back on the couch with his feet up watching the news for 2 or 3 hours. But it was the worst thing I could have done for me (if I could be so selfish to say so). Sadly, he does not realize he led a good life with having the SAHM, in that I didn't press him for help, he had many weekends away for sports, and evenings out that were justified because 'he worked and I didn't' and now we are at a stage where he is so resentful that he has worked all these years and I haven't (for money). He will never understand how hard I worked, my hours everyday, including weekends, 6:30 am to 9:30 or 10:00pm at night, and then I'd sit down to read or watch tv. I've only had one night in the last 13 years away from my kids, he's had the equivalent of 3 months. We go out very occassionally as a couple, he seems to prefer to be 'out' with the guys, and this is causing big trouble between us. Now I am at a point that I regret removing myself from the workforce, with my present skills I can only earn 1/4 of what he does, and he's already implied that I am undeserving of 1/2 our assets since I didn't work for it! Scary to me.


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

Nofaves,
WHEN will men ever "Get it"?? Your husband sounds like he is stuck in the 1950's but I know a lot of men still see it that way!


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RE: Any 'stay at home wives'?

nofaves....

In many ways he sounds like my husband, but in some ways they are different...

My husband NEVER wanted me to quit my job (we had very comparable jobs and baiscally earned the exact same amount of money... whoever had the last raise made the most money)... although I wanted to SAH. I agreed to go back for 6 months and then decide what I thought then. Well in that time his life did not in any way change. I and I alone was responsible for all that I was prior to our daughter, plus everything relating to do with her, after all his job was IMPORTANT (I took that to mean mine wasn't???).

When the 6 months were up, I told him I was NOT staying at work... but that I was not leaving right then I would stay no longer than one more year... but if I got really ticked at work, I would give my notice then and there... so in other words you are on notice that sometime between today and 48 weeks from today I will be quitting my job....

So, I made it through the year, but about 3 weeks before I am planning to go talk with my boss, he decides to quit his job and start his own business! I explained to him that was fine... but that I was still quitting my job as planned, after all we had a full year to plan for the loss of my income (50% of our total remember) and I went in to resign as planned and was talked into staying 1/2 time by my boss (we worked out a great deal)... then about 3 months later I was (oops, surprise) pregnant again... in no way planned.... so we talk and I say I will leave my job after the second is born... he agrees... mind you in all this time he is still not picking up anything to do with our daughter... although now I've switched to an alternating schedule of 3 days per week/two days per week...

Anyway the second comes along, I stay home, a few years later we adopt a third, and then fast forward to the last few years... DH has become very hostile over the fact that he is my 'beast of burden' and that I have not contributed to the household. and btw, I do nothing at all all day long, nothing. I can't tell you haw many times I've heard that I have done nothing at all...

Then I caught him having an affair... this was of course my fault, as I have no interest in life with him or doing things with him relating to business... what??? basically what he meant was since my life is revolving around our children I am no longer capable of having a conversation with him on anything he is interested in... OH! so that's how you justify screwing around???

We're in counseling, I took a part time job (mind you he was upset that it wan't full time or good enough) to get my children use to the idea that mom won't always be available for them, and low and behold that causes all sorts of conflict in our life now too... first the job is not good enough (I no longer am qualified to go back to the management position I left after 12+ years of not working), second now he has to step in and fill gaps when I'm not available... and don't you know he has work to be doing he can't deal with doing things for the children, his job is important, mine isn't, so I should figure out how to get out of mine to take care of what needs to be done....

Well jack, you can't have it both ways, you said get a job and you'd fill in when necessary... either I wasn't doing squat before and I should have a job, and you'll step up to the plate as promised, or I was actually doing things, maybe not important in your eyes, but certainly things that need to be done (as he agrees... driving to/from private schools, sports lessons, practices, games, dance etc) I think he now realizes he was foolish about his harping on me about a job but is boxed into a corner... he complained I was doing nothing and needed a full time job and now that I have a part time one he can't handle what is being requested of him... how can he get out of this gracefully??? He certainly can't tell me to quit what he wanted me to do...

We had all sorts of conflict over the past 18 months over trips... we typically would take 2-3 trips away per year... well part time workers with a regular schedule only get so much time off work.... so that curtailed trips... he'll come out with some wonderful idea... how about for a break we take the kids to ... and I'll say you're welcome to take them but I have no more time available to take from work... and he'll do a double take and say oh... he certainly wouldn't consider taking all three by himself... maybe the older two, but not with the youngest too.

I've given up trying to figure him out... he's really not a bad person, although the affair has truly tested my limits... this job thing is testing my patience... time and time again we go around and around over whether or not he's going to step up when needed... and I'm not quitting without him saying to .... I know that's very 'in your face' of me... but enough is enough already....

Why do I stay after the affair... like I said he's really not a bad person, he's just very self centered and thinks the world should revolve around him.. I knew this at the beginning... I and the counselor are trying to get him to see life from other perspectives, not just his, but mine, the children's and "other" looking in... Sadly, he thinks the world views him positively... professionally this is probably true, but privately, socially this is not the case any longer... I have said in counselling with him there how I get calls from mutual friends wanting to know am I alright after we're together because they don't like the way he acts towards me or the children when we're together... this took him so by surprise I thought he was going to faint...

How do you get a 52+ YO man to understand that the world does not revolve around them and that others have ideas and thoughts and feelings that are just as valid as theirs???


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