Dying mother or pregnant wife?
sadwife
15 years ago
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Comments (19)
dotz_gw
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agosuzieque
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Caregiver Wife And Nervous Breakdown
Comments (2)This is a terrible situation to be in. It does sound as if your wife is deeply depressed and breaking down under the strain. Unfortunately, when people are depressed they aren't very rational and it can be extremely challenging to change fixed notions. You are lucky that it appears your in-laws are encouraging your wife to get away for a while. You might have some luck if you remind your wife that her collapse in her parents' home is adding to their pain and burden. Ironically, by pushing herself to the breaking point, she is now making their lives more difficult by adding one more point of concern. This argument might get some traction with her as it's a form of selfishness she might not have sufficiently considered. If you can talk her out of the country, then her time with you is an ideal opportunity to come up with an action plan that's more balanced and manageable before she returns. Your MIL's treatment center should be able to suggest respite resources to assist. It is crucial your wife schedule breaks in her duties. Otherwise she's no good to her parents or to herself. You have my sympathy. It must be incredibly difficult for you to be so far away, unable to offer the support you so badly want to provide....See More34 weeks pregnant; so unhappy with husband
Comments (20)I feel badly reading your email. It's not a good feeling when you so need help and the person you love doesn't recognize it and react. There are probably parts of you that resent your husband right now that he's not reacting to the situation, that he's not stepping up to the plate, especially since you know he is capable of doing so. I am sure that's frustrating and hurtful - and hard to get past. I am a person that has trouble asking for help and when I do, I expect the person to react. The resentment I feel just having to ask, I can't quite explain. Admittedly for me, I expect my husband to be a mind reader. But the reality is, I know another person can't be that "gifted" but in my mind, I know I have felt this way. Some times guys just don't get it. And they literally need it spelt out for them, which sometimes in my mind X's out the good that they do b/c I had to ASK for it. I agree whole heartedly with that advice on communication. As hard as it is to admit when you need some help ... and as hard as it is to say the you are hurting - you need to do it. BUT how you do it is key. In a screaming argument, isn't the best of times for someone to really listen to you (I know from experience). But I think with your situation, some actions might need to take place before a real conversation can happen where there is a positive connection for both of you. Now, having said all of the above, I hope you realize that I do understand where you are coming from. However, I'm in a different boat (feeling more and more like I'm on my own island as I can't find ANYONE out there feeling the same feelings I do) ... my situation is opposite. My husband is very helpful and doing all the right things on a daily basis with helping around the house. This is our first. We haven't been intimate since I told him we were pregnant. As much as I love him ... it hurts a lot not having that connection. It just doesn't "feel right" ... it really makes me sad. I'm sure there are a bazillion reasons why we don't -- tired, working too much, etc. But I feel myself making comments, not nice ones, and part of it I can't explain. I do get mad at myself and try to figure out where this "mean streak" comes from b/c I'm really not a mean person by nature. It's like this underlying frustration I feel ... I hate it. I hate the lack of connection ... and I hate how I react to that. Even when my husband does something nice for me, at some point I'm making a comment about something, critizing him. He's left feeling hurt, I'm sure and frustrated and definitely not wanting to be intimate with someone like that. And I'm left feeling frustrated and feeling terrible about myself for reacting that way. Sex truly is a big piece of a relationship. Sometimes it's used in horrible ways, keeping it from someone as leverage ... I don't believe that's the case with me. But it does feel like I'm being punished, though I know he doesn't mean it. I've talked to him about it -- I remind him how long it's been. I'll even mention that I'm in the mood ... or call him at work and try to say something flirty. We come home from work and nothing ... sometimes I think it's because I'm not the best wife, i.e. my picky comments and I admit I'm not the best housewife. I could be better organized ... I'm definitely not one of those girls that does the cooking every night (he mainly does but sometimes we share) and I don't go ironing his shirts for work. That's not how our relationship has been. I work two jobs so I'm gone more hours during the week than he is. I guess I'm trying to get you to see the perspective on the other side. I guarantee if your husband knew how much he was hurting you, he'd hate it. I know I do. I may not say that to my husband, but I do hate when I'm mean. though I like the idea of going away for a weekend with marriage counseling, that might be tough depending on your guy. If he's up for that, you have a HUGE bonus as not many are open to that. If he'd be willing to do that then absolutely go for that. If that would be too much, I think you should clear an afternoon and evening. If someone could take your 4 year old for an overnight that would be perfect. Plan something that you used to do before any children - whether it's a restaurant you used to go to or whatever ... something that brings that connection back to when you first got together. The key here is to communicate what you are planning, meaning say to your husband, "I am planning something special for next week" For the dinner or activity, just enjoy each other. Avoid talking about work, bills, household stuff ... put yourself in a good frame of mind, i.e. focus on fun things - focus on things you used to do -- things you used to find fun together -- then, this one might be hard but focus on 3 things that you love about your husband (again keeping out the negative, they do have a way of creeping in). Bring up these good times, reminisce about them together. Then slip in, "oh I love how you did this or that" .... thinking if you're anything like me, that's going to be hard but force yourself to do it at least 3 times. BUT catch is, you CAN NOT follow it up with, but you don't do that anymore, or why don't you do that anymore (again, something I've learned/still do and it's counterproductive). Be the first to reach your hand out to his. I know, it might be hard especially since how you have been feeling. BUT this is a reminiscing night, you're focusing on the ONLY POSITIVE things in the past that brought you together, and the things you love about him. I'm pretty confident you can focus on 3 things to get yourself to reach your hand out and grab his. I'm not sure your reasons for not being able to have sex. If it's a health thing that you can't then of course, that is off limits. BUT if it's uncomfortable, possibly there is something else you could try, i.e. another position or "other"things to try. I think the key here for you to communicate that it feels uncomfortable BUT that you think having a physical connection is important and you are willing to be "creative" if he is willing to be patient ... let him know that you can't guarantee anything but that you'd like to try. I'm hopeful that after an evening of connecting with your husband at a basic level that you will get some "feel good" feelings and genuinely want that physical connection yourself. Again, hard part -- keep your mind focused on positive, no matter what. Reality is, you don't want a divorce ... you don't want to lose your husband when you have two children with him. You want the husband you had earlier. I believe you can get there ... but it'll take effort on your part. Relationship are all about the give and take ... right now, it might feel like you are giving a lot by doing something like this. But put that aside, because if it works, the feelings you'll receive in return will far outweigh the effort you put in. best of luck to you .......See MorePartner's Daughter Returns Pregnant & To Live As A Single Mom
Comments (33)Thanks everyone for your advice. My comment about SD22 looking after our son on 2 nights in 5 years was to mention out how little time we have had as a couple. We have days together but next to no nights together. This is, I believe one of our problems in that we never were a couple. My partner initiated the relationship while she was still married so we went from a secret relationship to a family of five very quickly. My partner has had extensive family commitments with socialising teenage children. I had little involvement in this and I realise this has affected our relationship. I've never been able to relate to SD22, SS21 father was still on the scene, SS19 always had obscure interests (rollerblading, karate - not much interest for a spectator). I know these are excuses, but its the way it panned out. My partner had plans for her ex to have the children on alternate weekends. It was only occasional that all three went and the weekends my partner elected to have them were the weekends I wasn't working. This was so she could drive them around. This limited our time together. Unfortunately this has created resentment as I've mentioned above. When I raised this in previous counselling, in that I feel our relationship came second, the response has been as mentioned (competing responsibilities, feeling guilty with not spending more time with her children). Partner states we have Fridays together (we both have Friday off), when you take into account school drop-off / pick-up it's only half a day. I know this is family routine, but during counselling Fridays together seemed to be the only compromise. I saw a solicitor 1.5 weeks ago to discuss my options. He suggested one could get a property settlement agreement in case the situation becomes more pear-shaped. A bit like a pre-nup during the relationship. I would lose a lot but I would imagine I would lose more further down the track. If I suggest a property settlement agreement I would imagine this will be a turning point. She may decide to leave. I saw a psychologist 2 days ago to discuss the situation. Only the first visit. She felt the children haven't developed life skills to date. Obviously everything is from my perspective. SD22 is not the only dysfunctional family member. The youngest SK (SS19) - finished attending school, working casual in a supermarket (fired from previous supermarket job for stealing, bludged for 3 months after finishing school before he got this job), owes his father $2000 (car accident insurance excesses x 2), owes his mother $5000 (car accident insurance excess x 1, mother put in 2K extra for car, spent 3K on DJ equipment - part-time interest / job). It gets worse - lost his driver's licence (4 infringements) and blown the engine in his car ($2500 - 3000 repair - parents rightly refused to pay). You could accuse me of making this up, but its true. He also smokes (incl dope at times). Fortunately he spends half his time at a friend's house, so I'm able to tolerate his loud music / non-contributory lifestyle. My partner accuses me of only having negative comments about her children. I know this is true, I know they have positives, they are just overwhelmed. The only SK getting on with his life is SS21. Sometimes I think the only way I could be happy is if SD22 didn't live here. The trouble is I will be seen as cold and callus, and I doubt I would have a relationship with my partner. SD22 does have a father to return to. She was living with him 6 mths ago. SD22 doesn't seem to be working, isn't studying. The reasons she moved back here don't seem to apply now. I doubt our relationship would survive this ultimatum. I know I could tart it up as an option if she didn't contribute (which would seem likely) but it would be seen by my partner as a way of getting to live with her father. Sorry for rambling, I had a bit more time today....See MorePart 2 - spouse's ex 45 & pregnant w/ love child
Comments (13)I agree a little with all of you. Yes this hit a nerve about the baby thing within me - - and I do think he is very male and didn't see the deeper issue with how to a woman this is a special, intimate thing that an ex should not be involved with even if it's in good fun. Maybe I take it more serious. But I do think he is still too entangled with the ex, she still hasn't learned to let up on asking his opinion about things and he still hasn't learned to set boundaries. He's gotten better but there's still a way to go. I told him how I felt about it after venting on this board and he said that he agreed with me. I told him that this baby has a father and the last thing this baby would want to find out it that his mothers ex was involved with his name! This is a biracial baby (father is black) and the mother wants to give him her last name which is Irish and I find it odd that everyone is pushing for an Irish first name as well when this baby will have many ethnicities to celebrate within his family. That's just my opinion and I am keeping to myself (and to ya'll). I know - it's not my call but it's the way I would handle it. My concern is now that she has asked about names I could very well see her asking him opinions on schools, etc in the future. My husband is very intelligent and a "leader" type so people often look to him for guidance, but in my opinion he is no longer her "pack" leader and the perks of having his opinion and advice in her life was over when the marriage was over. I explained this very point to him in the past when we argued about something else to do with her and he agreed at the time. But he doesn't realize when he's doing it! So frustrating....See Morephoggie
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