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When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

Posted by intherain (My Page) on
Fri, Mar 4, 05 at 0:39

My heart is breaking for my sister. Her husband of 5 years told her in January that he doesn't have the same feelings for her anymore. At that time they had a 2 month old baby! (They also have a 2 year old.) My sister says she did NOT see this coming. She thought things were going "well" with them. Since then, he has pretty much detached himself from the family in so many ways. They haven't been intimate in months, he maybe pecks her on the cheek now and then, and they just don't talk. They are seeing a therapist, but he continues to say he's not happy. He told his therapist that he doesn't want to have any regrets when he gets older - that he doesn't want to look back and realize he missed out on something "better". Everyone has asked him if he's having an affair and he says no, but he does talk about a female co-worker all the time. She happens to be having marriage problems, too. My sister no longer trusts them together. We are a close-knit family - they live just a mile from our home. We have family dinners with my parents almost every week. I knew they didn't have a "perfect" marriage, but I never saw this coming. I guess I am struggling with how a father can walk out on his 2 young children. He says he is unhappy because of little quirks my sister has always had - not being real organized, not balancing the checkbook each day, not closing the cabinet doors (!), etc. He is practically begging her to kick him out, but she doesn't want to. She fears he will then tell everyone it was all her fault because she kicked HIM out. She'd rather he leave on his own. Their marriage counselor suggested he see his own therapist on the side, so his first appt. is next week. He has a lot of "baggage" - his own father abused his mother, then remarried 5 times. He never had a father-figure in his life. He definitely suffers from self-esteem issues. I'm not sure what I expect anyone to say here. I'm just trying to be there for my sister and know what the right thing to say is. I have talked twice to her husband about this and he has excuses for everything. I have decided I can't talk to him anymore about it. This is all so hard!


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

My ex walked out on a 1 1/2 year old and a 6 month old saying he wasn't happy. I never saw it coming but he did have a girlfriend. He tried to make a go of it but cared for her feelings way over mine. He had never known his real father and his mother remarried when he was a teenager. I always thought that someone who didn't grow up with a father would want his own children to have one. Not him. He didn't meet them until they were almost adults and that was on the insistence of his 3rd wife. He's now on wife #4.

I'd say that he and that co-worker might just be friends now but if they are crying on each other's shoulders, it will turn into more. I don't see how anyone can stop him from seeing her. That would have to come from him.


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If he is determined to leave, he's going to do it. Therapists are only helpful when the client wants it otherwise the counseling amounts to going through the motions and that's it. I think your sister shouldn't kick him out immediately, that's too convenient. She's got the children to consider. But if he stays in it for guilt, she may spend her youth and many more years after that living an empty hollow existence with a resentful, emotionally absent spouse. That wouldn't be worth it to me. If I were her, I'd try to work it out, sure, but I'd also be quietly making some plans for the future for myself if it doesn't.


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Thanks, everyone. He confessed tonight that he's having an affair and my sister kicked him out. Supposedly this has been going on since right after baby #2 was born in November. Everyone he talked to asked him if he was having an affair and he was adamant he wasn't, but we all know now it was a lie.


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OH, I am so very sorry for what your sister is going through. I knew from your first post he was having an affair it was painfully obvious.

She must just be devastated. My husband and I both agree that an affair is a total deal breaker when it comes to our marriage. No questions asked, no nothing at all - just DONE! Sounds like your sister is the same maybe? I am sure her heart is just breaking to pieces. He's such a coward, abandoning her with two small children and a life in ruins to move on to some "chick" who has no idea what responsibility is like.

I'd kick him 'tween the pipes for her if I could!! Please just be there for her to cry on your shoulder and support her in her chaotic life. I imagine she'll have lots of tough decisions to make.

I am hurting for her and what she is going through right now. And for you too, it's hard to see a loved on hurting like this.

~P


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Thanks, Pashan. She was so strong until she talked to him on the phone this afternoon. He gave her his sob story, how sorry he is, how he loves her and wants her back. Now she is considering it. As her sister, this is hard to watch. I honestly don't know how much I should say to her. I gently tried to remind her of everything that has happened, and what he had said to her over the past month or so, but she is more concerned that he has nowhere to go, and that she doesn't want to be alone. Bottom line is that he is a manipulator and a liar. Even his own sister told my sister this. I know he's using her.


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I am so sorry to hear that there was another woman involved! But that does seem to explain everything. It's just rotten of him to have lied to her when she asked him about this, however. It probably made her feel as though there was something wrong with "her". She is trying to save her marriage because of her children and also she has built a life with this man, financially, family connections, community and social circle. The changes for her will be huge and scary. Your sister ought to be tough and tell him if he wants to come back, he has to go through the counseling, spend more quality time alone with her, change his job definitely to get away from this other woman. She should make it very crystal-clear that if this ever happens again, he's history. She should also still visit with an attorney to see what her rights are, and get some plans going for herself (at least a part-time job in her field or further education if she needs it) in case this is just a bump in the road on the way to an eventual divorce. Good luck to your sister, she's so lucky to have you for support!


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When I posted this:

Please just be there for her to cry on your shoulder and support her in her chaotic life. I imagine she'll have lots of tough decisions to make.

I almost went further with my thoughts and didn't. I had a feeling she would consider reconciliation.

See, my first husband was very abusive but I was a very strong person... I left him. He came crawling back with the "Oh, I'm sorry, I will never ever do it again, I love you, I miss you, I want to make it up to you, blah, blah, blah" so I went back to him. He changed - for about a week!!! I had the support and love of my family throughout all of this. They didn't support my decision to go back to him, but they were still there for me. They made it clear that they loved me and would be there for me, but they didn't approve of me going back to him. When I left him again (for good) they were all there for me.

She may feel the need to take him back in case he does mean what he's saying. What if he really has realized what a fool he is and that he needs to change. She will never know if she doesn't give him a second chance. Now, I agree with Mary that she should go into this EYES WIDE OPEN no more BS. Lots of counseling, therapy, honesty and quality time.

You are a great sister, stay strong and continue to care - that's all you can do right now. You won't be able to make decisions for her, but you can guide her and support her!! (which you seem to be doing a great job of already.) She'll see him for the snake he is, but she will only see it with her own eyes. That time may not have come yet... it will!!!

Keep us posted, I'm thinking about you both!
~P


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I don't think a guy who's not willing to close the closet doors for his wife...

or to sit down and really work through the simple fact that the reason the open doors bother him is HIS issue from HIS past (his father may have used it as an excuse to beat him- for some reasons, abusive people seem addicted to threadbare excuses for their sadism, masking it as 'discipline' or some such nonsense)

isn't much of a catch...

but then, it took me nearly 20 years to find a guy who agreed with me- and trust me, I looked!

but it sounds like dude's free ride just blew a tire- it's EASY to get involved with someone when there's no responsibility- I commented elsewhere that there's a certain 'all sushi, no dishes' appeal to the 'other person'-

but even in those relationships, garbage builds up, and since cheaters are inherently lazy people, it's easier to just move on than to pick up the trash- as your brother in law seems to have found.

'therapy' is nice and all, but this guy sounds more like he's a candidate for 'binding arbitration' since he's so ready to skip out on his responsibilities...

honestly? I think a second chance should be given- but it would take some real sacrifices on both their parts. if dude wants something better- he's got to learn that 'better' is something you build, not something you can buy, or find- and that a night course at the local college would do him more good than a night out once a week...

and I think your sister needs an equal amount of work-her claiming that she was SURPRISED by this tells me that she's either not paying much attention to things- or she needs to take off the sunglasses before she goes inside, because she's choosing NOT to see things.

denial and avoidance are fine when you're single- but who wants to raise a kid to believe that's the way the world works?


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I don't agree with someone not being able to be surprised. Some of us are definitely surprised. The only hint I ever had was when my ex went on a "business" trip half way around the world and told me not to go into a bag of his. I never thought about the bag until one Sunday night at 11:00. I'll never forget that night. I sat there reading the love letters and found out he was on vacation with his girlfriend. By the way, the business trip was supposedly about a transfer to a country that he said he would be able to get me a maid, etc. So, he was buttering me up so he could lead a double life while I was home with our 2 infants.


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Funny,I was just discussing the "head in the sand" habit with my pastor's wife.I happen to count among my clients a detective .Over the years I have been tempted to use his services,but what keeps me from doing it is that if i knew for sure,I would feel the need to take action.I know that taking action right now would not be in the best interest of my family.I would rather be able to wonder,than to know for sure and not be able to take action.My pastor's wife shares the same opinion.
Sometimes I think it is nothing short of a miricle that keeps two people together through a lifelong marriage.When you consider that individuels grow emotionally at such differing rates,and how different a man and a woman's lives are,it is never a suprise to me that one or the other of a marriage runs off and has an affair.I suspect some of the longer marriages I've seen owe alot more to forgiveness and understanding than they do to faithfulness.Unfortunately,most marriages are about a family unit,not just a husband and wife.The committment has to be to the overall continued sucsess or lack of sucsess of the entire family.I wish your sister the best with her struggle.Hopefully your BIL will grow up soon.


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She should get professional advice on this. I think back to when I had a 2 year old, and a 2 month old baby, and very, very little sleep. A baby is up so much during the night, and her two year old will keep her running all day. She needs financial, and emotional support, and another set of hands at this time. She needs to think really carefully whether she really wants to "go it alone" at this time. If they divorce, and this loser of a husband has to support himself and the girlfriend? how is your sister and her children going to survive? Does she have the resources to pay for child care for two babies, while she goes out and earns a living, only to come home throughly exhausted and have two babies who desperately need "her" and will keep her up half the night?

This is the time that her "loser of a husband" needs to "become a man". Real men take care of their woman and their children, and protect them whether they feel like it or not. Real men are able to put their childish impulses aside, and "do the right thing" by their family, whether they feel like it or not. Real men are able to see the BIG picture, so HIS CHILDREN are not calling someone else Dad, because he chased after foolish impulses and short term desires. Like a soldier willing to fight to protect this family, he needs to grow up, stand for this family whether he is happy or not, and lead this family. He needs to make it a priority to stand up and make your sister feel loved and cared for. to protect his children and make sure that they grow up in a home with both parents striving to make them feel loved and to succeed in life. what a fool he is, to chase these fleeting desires, allowing them to destroy his own family, and the lives of these beautiful children.


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I also want to add that as hard as it is for you if she takes him back, to remember what a difficult place your sister is in right now, and how difficult the decisions she is making are. they will affect her beautiful children for years and years to come. If she chooses to divorce her husband, it will have a tremendous affect on her financial and emotional well being. He may start off with good intentions regarding child support, but as the years go by and he is trying to support himself, and perhaps another wife and future children, he may become one of those dead beat dads...his newest wife or bimbo of the moment, upset that money is leaving "her household" to your sister who she may not like, and resent. She will have to send her beautiful children for visitation to this guy, and his bimbo of the moment, and the two of them may not be the kind of influence she had hoped for her children.

People makes mistakes, and only she can decide if he is worth the work involved in trying to help this family survive. What he did is scummy behavior. His wife has just given birth. She is trying to nuture and care for her children and family through all of the physical and emotional changes a woman goes through when she has a baby. She should not have to worry about whether her family is about to fall apart, or where her husband is. She should know without a shadow of a doubt that he is there for her, through thick and thin, and that her husband is looking out for her best, and the best for his children.

Her husband is at a defining moment in his life. That is the moment where he "CHOOSES" what kind of man he is. Will he choose to be, and is he a MAN who is strong, honorable, and a man of integrity who can be counted on, or a loser who lies, cheats, and deceives those closest to him? Will he choose to be the kind of man who will stand strong, staying the course, or is he the loser who is always blown about this way and that, based on his "feelings"? Our feelings deceive us. They tempt us down a path that will destroy everything we care about, and is important. Becoming a man is knowing this. It is recognizing that our "feelings" are fleeting and sway with the wind, or the moment. It is the utter fool who allows them to rule over him and follow them.


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I know this is old, but I want to add a few things in case it will help.

I went through this with my ex, right down to the toddler, infant, and him being with her only weeks after the birth. When he finally admitted to wanting a divorce (not the affair, I found out about that on my own-and yes it is easy not to notice when you are taking care of two children and the youngest is breastfeeding and has colic so NEVER sleeps)

The hardest part for him was the fact that once I got over the depression, i informed him that his leaving me was great because now I qualified for assistance as a displaced homemaker at the local junior college. So that is something she could look into to broaden her horizons. And she wouldn't have to go full time. Going to college got me out of the house and made me feel like a fully fledged member of society, not just a failure.

Another thing she should know, if she hasn't yet is that: You can only charge the divorce to adultry if she doesn't sleep with him EVEN ONCE. That resets the divorce because if she knows about the adultry and sleeps with him she has forgiven him in the eyes of the law. And Adultry usually comes with alimony. And as a single mother, every penny that comes in is worth a million dollars.

I may sound like a money-hungry bish, but it's a lot harder to get along as a single mother than part of a couple. So she should take every advantage she can to see her over this. So give her my good wishes, pass on what she might take in, and if they did call it quits,she should look into a divorce recovery group. They are usually run by churches or rec centers and they help to get through the grief process. Because divorce is the death of a relationship that was a living breathing figure of HOPE. And if the grief process isn't allowed, issues build up inside.


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

Hey, I can post again! (Now that it's free - I let my membership lapse). I am the original poster of this thread. Thank you all for your advice/responses.

My sister and her husband have been trying to make it work, but it's been more than hard. They are now considering separating. He thinks it will bring them back together; my sister feels it will lead to divorce. It's been a very difficult year, to say the least!

Sheryl


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

Is posting free now?


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

Yep!


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

I am bumping this up for those to read who advise others to leave a marriage, simply because they may not feel happy right now. My opinions are posted on this thread if you scan to Wed. Mar. 16,05 and Mar. 17, 05 under bnicebkind.


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

So very sorry about the coward your sister is married too, i know it doesnt help but i went through the same thing with my first marriage, out of the wood work he just said one day i dont want to be married anymore after 3 yrs of marriage, thank GOD I didnt waste too many yrs of my life with that idiot, soon as i read your post the first thing that came to my mind was the show CHEATERS i said UT OH another CHEATER. 98% of the time when a man just up and says i dont want to be married anymore what he's really saying is im cheating and i dont want to be married to you anymore, men leave it up to us to read between the lines. 98% of the time its a red flag, dead give away when he starts to not pay any attention to you, shows you no affection and no sex, yeah he's cheating, he doesnt have time to do those things for you anymore because he's saving it for the trick on the side, shame on him and trust me what goes around comes back around all the time, its murphys law in effect, watch and see he is gonna regret leaving you and the kids once he learns that the grass wasnt never greener on the other side, my exhusband found that out needless to say i didnt want him back, once a cheater always a cheater, tell your sister its gonna be real hard im not gonna lie but base her faith in GOD, go to church just for the uplifting and strength, pray and read healing scriptures and stay around positive people that will uplift her not keep rehashing what that idiot did,its always hard on the kids, they wont always be little and they will know the type of man and father he was once they grow older.


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

Update:

It's been a year since my sister's husband told her he wasn't in love with her anymore. They are still together, but it's been a rough road. They are in counseling together and separately. The hardest part is that he still works with the Other Woman. He claims he's looking for another job, but he says he can't make as good of $$ anywhere else. (Go ahead and say it, I feel the same as you all do.) My sister is just trying to focus on herself (on the advice of her therapist). It's been one long year!


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Like I said before tell your sister she is only dragging out a unwanted death of a marriage, some marriages were never meant to be, others one or the other partner just decides to forget about the vows they made to their spouse and GOD and decide to step out the marriage.
Sounds like this marriage has been dead for years and she's trying to hold on to a man that is no longer emotionally or sexually attached to her, she needs to let him go and move on with her life and get mentally and emotionally healthy before she even thinks about another man.


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Rosewood, it's not that easy for her. But I hear what you're saying!


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She has a 2 month old and a 2 year old. A hard, hard time to "go it alone"...both financially (two kids in day care) to simply exhausting to work all day only to come home to two very over stimulated, (day care) cranky babies that would be her responsibility. Think of the sleepless nights with a baby, and the energy a two year old takes non-stop, on top of a full day working to pay the bills.
Perhaps he needs to live there and be a responsible father and man and help raise these children he brought into the world, until she can get them both into school...
Why should he be able to "bag out" and go run and play with his latest girl friend, instead of helping to raise the children he brought into the world?
Just throwing this out there for discussion, for what ever it is worth.


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I am not sure that I agree Rosewood, even though what you suggest is the direction most people are taking.

I stand by my entries on this thread that I made on Wed. March 16, 05 and Thursday, March 17, 05. Scroll up. Please read if you passed over it, because I still feel the same today, ten months later.

After hanging out in the step parent forum for awhile, my views on this are stronger than ever. Letter after letter talks about re-marriage after the divorce, and when many of these men re-marry, several of these new young wives on the forum resent and hate the children from the previous marriage...especially after they have new babies with the husband...and they want to have their own new little family, without the previous children, in fact, they want those children to just disappear!
To some extent, I am now beginning to think that when we become parents, it is no longer about following our whims, or our feelings (which are fickle at best, and deceive us) but about what is in the best interest of the children we have brought into this world, and loving these innocent, beautiful children enough to fulfill our responsibility to them, by giving them the best possible childhood we can, whether we feel like it or not. IMO, when he made vows to love and honor his wife, and brought these two babies into the world who have their whole childhood ahead of them yet, he lost the right to chase after the new honey at the office. IMO, he has lost the right to whine and say he does not know if he is happy right now, and run around with the girl friend while he decides. It is such an incredible injustice to his wife and two babies, who trusted him to lead this family like a man, and put aside his childish whims. He is robbing his wife, by threatening her future, and the future of her children. It will affect them on every level, for years to come. He has robbed his wife of the ability to enjoy her new baby, and her two year old, because she must now worry where he is, who he is with, why hasn't he called, and the security of knowing their future is safe.
Then, I imagine he will marry one of these honey's - and then, the step parent issues begin for these children. His new honey will hate money leaving her household, to his ex-wife, and his kids, and will resent her and the kids for this.
It cheats his wife and children out of the future they SHOULD have had. A future with two parents who love them and strive to give them the best childhood they can. A family of their own, with two people who are willing to step up to the plate and do the right thing...whether they feel like it or not...with a smile for these beloved children. Giving them the gift of a family who loves them and are on their side rooting for them every step of the way.
Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances. But we are called to do our very best, for these children, and not give up! There are days in parenting and life that we all will look at our spouse and wonder "what in the world was I thinking, when I chose him/her". Or we will look at them and may not feel anything at all. But on other days, we are so thankful that this person is by our side, and feel so blessed to have them share our life. Our feelings evolve over time, and can become so rich if we treat each other with excellence!


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You would think that her husband of all people would understand what damage a divorce and step parents could do to children. His mother dragged her children across the country so that she could pursue a relationship with a married man. That man left his wife and married her, and these children were suddenly thrown into a new life in a new home in a new state...with a new dad. A new step dad who was mean to them, especially him, the only boy. He overheard his stepfather say, "I never wanted a son." He has more issues with his stepfather than of his biological father (a whole other story). My sister's husband had a sad childhood, with parents who were NEVER around. So here he is, starting the same cycle again. Cheated on his wife not once, but twice (she found them together again over the summer, kissing in a parking lot). Continues to say he's not happy. Is never satisfied with anything he gets...is always buying something new for a "quick fix". Does not understand why my sister won't let him attend a work party where the "Other Woman" will also be. My sister does not trust him at all. She has days of feeling no love for him. He is very controlling, very selfish, very immature, and has little respect for my sister. And yet, she is not ready to make a decision because she still has hope that something, somehow, will change. I have no idea what direction their marriage will go. It's very sad to watch, very hard to know what to say.


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intherain, pick up the CD that just came out called "Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and have someone give it to him to listen to. What ever your thought are about Dr. Laura Schlessinger...there is tremendous wisdom in this latest book or CD. I had a really good childhood, but picked up the CD because I was going to be in the car alot on Wednesday. It was an incredibly insightfull CD filled with much wisdom...and he needs to listen to it. Please let me know if he does. IMO, it will help him more than years of therapy. It helped me, even though i did not have any of the problems he did. Just tremdous insight.


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

intherain, pick up the CD that just came out called "Bad Childhood Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and have someone give it to him to listen to. What ever your thought are about Dr. Laura Schlessinger...there is tremendous wisdom in this latest book or CD. I had a really good childhood, but picked up the CD because I was going to be in the car alot on Wednesday, and I was curious what she had to say about the subject. It was an incredibly insightfull CD filled with much wisdom...and he needs to listen to it. Please let me know if he does. IMO, it will help him more than years of therapy. It helped me, even though I did not have any of the problems he did. This CD or book if he will read it could literally be life changing for him. If you can get him to just sit in the car or a room for an hour or two, and just listen, or read, it WILL help him. It contains just tremendous insight.


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Funny you should mention that book. My assistant told me the exact thing. Whenever I mention my sister's H, she mentions this book, in fact! I'll make sure to mention it to them.

My sister called me this morning, very upset. Last night her H told her he was taking the afternoon off today to go to the car show with a buddy of his. This morning she realized it was the birthday of the "Other Woman". Immediately her thoughts "went there", that he was possibly lying and was going to be with her instead. She called her H, explained how worried she was, and he put her on a 3-way call to the buddy to assure her that yes, it was just the 2 of them going to a car show. My sister said, "See? This is what my marriage is like now. I never trust him."

Sheryl


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This book (although I would get the CD) is so important, that if I were you, I would pick her up and drive her there and get it now! It is that good, and that important...period. And then perhaps you could watch their children for 2 hours (so there are no interuptions) and your sister and her husband could just sit and listen to it (turn off the telephones), or go for a long drive in the country. Tell your sister to try and just sit still and be very, very quiet (no commentary...nothing) just listen together and let him just absorb what he hears, without having to defend himself, or his family, or anything. To just be still and hear, so the healing can begin. I wish good things for each of you.


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Thank you so much, bnicebkind. I have so appreciated all of your suggestions!


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Ok, I have to say this orginal post sounds way too familiar. I too, have had my husband do the same thing back from July of last year til he actually got caught sept 11. He wasnt paying any attention to me, and our neighbor who is also married hung out with my oldest daughter. She befriended my daughter to get into my husbands pants. He acted stranger and stranger til one night he came home and didnt want to be married anymore. This went on a few days til i checked the phone service website and saw he had text my neighbor about 500,000 times in the past 11 days, he was confronted and I had gotten advise not to leave to wait it out. 3 days after i confronted her stupid husband who didnt want to believe it all of a sudden my husband wanted me back. The only reason I agreed is we have been married 15 yrs, and he USED to be an awesome husband. Its very hard and I am still here, but I give him hell NON stop all the time and when i do see that stupid buck tooth whore she will get it also. I want it to work and i love him, but sometimes i hate him for all hes put me through UGH.. If your sister needs a shoulder to cry on, tell er to remember she is not alone :)


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

This was 5 years ago these people are probably divorced and remarried already....


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RE: When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'

First I believe the 2 sis have a better relationship the the married couple. First red flag. Sis mind ya business.
Second he is a coward because he is suppose to be there thick or thin..
My girl once cheated on me with her co worker and I was so hurt. She also cheated on me with a another girl back in our highschool days. I just so afraid to move foward.we just move to california and she is preggo. This our 3rd child the second child dies at birth and my first born is three. She so grouchy,complain about any and everything. She yells at my 3 year old for sleeping next to her. She makes him sleep on a hard floor while she is comfortable. I feel this pregnacy a window for her to complain. I don't feel she is that happy. I feel like I should have step along time ago but I want my some to have some type of sence of family..... what should I do... I have no to talk too execpt god in prayer. She have her twin sis who crazy as hale. Idk


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  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


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