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Asexual guy

Posted by TyC113 (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 17, 11 at 23:41

I have a question with this, but first let me explain who I am.

I think of myself as a simple person with tons of interests. I am a person who likes to write, read, and study. My favorite music genres are classical, jazz, and R&B (sometimes). I am also into things like sports, and video games as well. I go to college as of right now so that I can achieve my career. Those things aren't complicated for people, but this one thing seems to blow people's minds completely. I am a 20 year old virgin who is wanting to stay a virgin for the rest of my life.

I'm a virgin in every way. I have not kissed anyone (not really wanting to) or even hugged anyone except my family members and a few friends. I've never had a girlfriend (obviously) and I'm not really looking to have one because I don't care to have a romantic relationship. I would much rather just be friends with someone. I would rather be friends than have a girlfriend or wife because friendship is usually a non-sexual thing, while in dating, there is an expectation of sex or deep passion, which is something I don't want at all.

Now that is who I am. The people that are closest to me are quite up in arms. My family is always saying that I am missing out on things in life and that they would like for me to continue on the family heritage. But I have a brother, so I think that he will do that. Their words aren't the ones affecting me.

The ones that are affecting me come from my friends. They often say that I am completely rejecting life and that I am just not going to be truly living. Then they tell me that I am sexually repressed or are in fear, which I am not, and they just make fun more. I try to tell them that I am fine, but they don't think so. They feel that anyone who chooses to not have sex is weird.

So I ask you this: Do you agree with them? Am I weird? Is it crazy to want to die a virgin?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Asexual guy

I do not agree with them. You're fine. If you stay the way you are, that's cool. If you change over time, that's cool. Don't worry about it.

You're not "weird" but your attitude is unusual. You will have to become accustomed to people's trying to fix you up, etc., no matter what you do. Just learn to handle it gracefully and/or humorously because it will always be with you. However, if your friends/associates devolve into giving you grief over it, you may have to change friends/associates from time-to-time.

It's a private matter. You don't have to tolerate invasions of your privacy but you don't have to be making definitive statements all the time, either, unless the invasion is inappropriately aggressive. Innocent invasions will occur frequently and you should be able to handle them.

Your life is uniquely yours. Live it the way you want. You don't owe family or others any particular conduct other than civility .....and love where appropriate.


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PS to previous.....

About marriage prospects....

Yes, you can certainly do that. Just don't shine anybody on about your intentions. Along the way I suspect you may encounter some women who are sure they can "change" you. (Because of their own wonderfulness, no doubt.) Current literature is full of this stuff.

As long as you're on the same wave-length, don't worry about it. I would encourage you to be somewhat vigilant about that "wave-length". If you're a friendly, personable fellow you may find yourself frequently mistaken for a "father of my children" figure.

At the crucial moment, honesty is where it's at. I encourage you not to deceive...and to make sure those who may be interested in you are not allowed to deceive themselves.


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RE: Asexual guy

At 20 why would you come to that decision ?

Why define yourself as an asexual person ? You are just a person, a dynamic person who could change at any time, to take on something new.

It concerns me that you would dwell on this.

Your friends probably act out of concern for you.

If you just gloss over people's comments then they will just forget your sexuality...if you make an issue out of it, that invites comments.

I have a family member who is just like you. she is 55 now, and has never had any interest ( that I know of) in anybody. We have never discussed it. I have always wondered though... Now she is older..she has no partner to share her life with...I see loneliness looming.

Live in the moment and don't dwell on your "problem" you will be fine.


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RE: Asexual guy

To popi,

I am not dwelling on this at all. I am just a little upset that the people I know always are saying this and it is just getting to me.

And I know that I am 20 years old, but if I were going to somehow feel "sexual", wouldn't I feel it by now? I mean, wouldn't I have had those "feelings" when I was younger, like puberty. I won't say that I am asexual, but why can't I say that I am just not "sexual"?

And I know that my friends are concerned about me, but that doesn't mean that they should do what they are doing. It's like they are not listening at all to me. They always are telling me that I have to do things like this. It's basically peer pressure in my opinion. And to be honest, you're basically saying the same thing that my friends and society say.They always say things like this
1) You will be sexual one day. You will have sex,everyone does.

2)It's normal to have sex, and if you don't your crazy or repressed. We're all sexual creatures, and not having sex is unhealthy and psychotic.

3)No human person can be happy and truly fulfilled without sex.

4)Sex is important for biology, you have to pass on your genes to the next generation.

But here's the thing: I don't want to have sex. I don't desire sex. Not at all. And I am just fine with it. I am happy with it. I don't care to pass on my genes. I don't think I am crazy or "sexually repressed". I definitely don't think of myself as psychotic and I think of myself as "healthy". I have a ton of interests like music and poetry that I like. And that's the truth.

But according to sex therapists, psychologists, and society as a whole, I am dysfunctional for not wanting sex.

And because of that I ask Why? Why is it wrong to want to be a lifelong virgin?


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RE: Asexual guy

I was about to unload on popi but you've done a much better job than I would have. Good on ya!

You're "different", OK? You know that. You still get to live your life the way you want to. Will you change? Maybe....but who's business is that but yours?

There's nothing "wrong" with you. Maybe you'll change, maybe you won't. You're OK and it's your business. Enjoy. Be productive. Revel in your accomplishments.

Caveat: Setting a "goal" of being a life-long virgin is weird. That is, indeed, a strange aspiration. Strange because it is meritless. I have had the impression that there are other things going on in your life that are quite worthy and admirable. If this particular thing is, indeed, a singular goal we're talking about nearly-religious stuff......at which point I will need to recede entirely.


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RE: Asexual guy

I don't think I am saying what your friends are saying to you. I don't like people telling me how to think and I get the impression that that is what annoys you about your friend's comments.

My point was that how you behave determines their response, of course I have no way of knowing that this is what is going on, considering the very broad outline of your life, that you have given here.

I don't like putting labels on people, that is my point. I think you should look at yourself in those terms, to ensure your happiness. I am not saying there is something wrong with you.

To add a lighter note, that tv show "Big Bang Theory" has a character in it, Sheldon, who comes across as someone who is like you. Maybe you are not a scientific genius, but he does make the point that he is not attracted to anybody in a sexual way.

If your friends keep mentioning this, perhaps you could explain to them that you don't appreciated their remarks.


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RE: Asexual guy

Luckily, we live in an age and place where we are more or less free to be what we want to be.

And I would add that we are all shaped (to some extent) by our hormone levels. Twenty is still very young to make lifetime decisions.


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RE: Asexual guy

To Asolo,

Thank you very much. I appreciate your affirming words.

To popi,

I am sorry for responding back the way I said. You weren't like my friends, definitely. I understand what you are saying about not putting labels on people. It is just that whenever I read the story of how you feel your grandmother is lonely without a partner, I just grew a little angry because it reminded me of them. That is why I grew upset. I hope you're not angry.

To scarlett2001,

I know twenty is young, but why is this something too young to decide on?


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RE: Asexual guy

I was just curious as to if you ever get atall aroused ?Do you ever get an erection,masturbate?sorry if thats too personal, im just wondering if maybe its something medical.


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty, you can always have asexual partners in life. There are many people who live together or hang out who are not sexual but depend on one another for companionship. My point is that you don't have to live and die a lonely person just because you don't want to marry/be sexual.

Do you want to be close to people? Do you like snuggling/hugs/holding hands or do you not like to be touched?

20 isn't too young to decide anything, we're just saying 'leave the door open a crack' for just-in-cases.

I decided many things at 20 that I look back on and laugh about now. The thing is, things that are so obvious then just don't fit in my life now.

Leave yourself room to be fluid, to change your mind, to form new opinions as the old ones cease to be effective or give you desired results. If being asexual/nonsexual works for you for the rest of your life, great! But don't tie yourself down just yet... to anything.

Life's that much better if you're open to possibilities.


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RE: Asexual guy

"I know twenty is young, but why is this something too young to decide on?"

Not sure "decide" or "decision" really applies. Things are the way they are. Sometimes they change. Sometimes they stay the same. Regardless, I think you're fine. You've described a productive forward-looking personality with accomplishment in the past and expected in the future. Seems to me that's fine.


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RE: Asexual guy

To Tracystoke,

Arousal does sometimes happen, but it happens very rarely. I masturbate very seldomly, but I don't feel much. There's no joy in it to be honest. It just happens. I really don't like to do it. I am wanting to just stop altogether.

To Silversword,

I know that there are people who do not want a sexual marriage, but those people are probably a rarity. And I really don't care to have relationships. It's not really in my plans for the future to find a wife.

I have no idea if I like to snuggle as I've never had a girlfriend (of course) and as far as hugging, it's okay in small doses. I actually prefer shaking hands with people.

To Asolo,

Thanks. I appreciate the nice comment.


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RE: Asexual guy

Although I have to admit I do find you unusual,I dont see what your problem is ,if you are happy ,then thats all that matters ,sod what any other people think.Thats if you are truly happy .There is always gonna be people wondering,and asking whats wrong with you, and Im one of them,can I just ask is there any deep rooted problem, are you shy,any childhood bad experiences?If not, then just get on with being you and dont worry what other people say


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RE: Asexual guy

Hmmm... I like to snuggle. And not just with my husband. I will snuggle with my best friend while watching a movie, with my daughter on the couch, I will snuggle up next to my dad or other family members.

The reason I'm asking about stuff like that is because some people don't have the same closeness needs. It sounds like you're good without it. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I'd just be concerned because it's proven that people are healthier with touch. Have you ever had a massage? That might be a way of getting touch without sexuality or friendship.

Besides that, I'd just practice saying something like "thank you, I'm fine, please don't concern yourself with this personal matter".

There are so many people in the world (and it seems they're all thinking about sex... I know, because I get asked frequently when my husband and I are going to make a little one... um.... none of your business!!!) you should be able to find friends who will accept you for who you are.


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RE: Asexual guy

To Tracystoke,

I am a shy person, I am an introvert, but I don't think of that as anything. It's just my temperament. I don't feel as if there are any deep-rooted issues. There are no childhood experiences with sex or stuff. I've never experienced it. I guess I am just an unusual person.

To silversword,

Thanks for that. People are so obtrusive when it comes to relationships. That must suck. I'll take your advice and try dealing with my friends in that way and see if it works.

Oh, and I've never had a massage.


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RE: Asexual guy

Do you think the shynesss is getting in the way of you being intimate with a female.Are you scared atall?be honest.


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RE: Asexual guy

I can kind of see where Popi is coming from. I do think it's a little premature to decide at 20 that you will die a virgin.
THIS IS NOT TO SAY that I think you SHOULD have a sexual relationship. What I am saying is that one day, who knows, maybe decades from now, you MAY change your thinking. You may not, too. What difference does it makes? Neither attitude is right, and neither is wrong. They just are. So just be who you are, and when your friends make pests of themselves, look them in the eye and simply say, "Thank you for your concern." Repeat as necessary. Hopefully they will get the message that YOUR sexuality or lack thereof, is none of their damn business.
But, I also get Popi's "loneliness" comment. To me it's not so much that her relative might be lonely because she doesn't have a sexual partner, but because she hasn't anyone with whom she has a shared life experience, someone to share her life on an intimate (not sexual) level. I get that, because I am now the only person left in my side of the family. I don't have anyone I can say, "Oh, do you remember how we used to....? what our home/Mom/school/whatever was like?" to. I no longer have a shared childhood, and that makes me sad sometimes. If I had no married family, I would have no shared adulthood, and in old age that would be (to me) sad too.


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty, my husband has said "are you asking me when I'm planning to have unprotected intercourse with my wife?" to people who ask. Usually they're so embarrassed they don't ask again.

;)

I would recommend massage though. When done professionally it is very relaxing and not sexual at all. I think people need to be touched. But that's just my opinion and you're welcome to discard it if it's not something you want to do.

Colleen makes a good point. It's not about the sex for me either (although for me that's a bonus). It's about having a shared relationship. The closeness. Do you have a friend with whom you can be 100% honest and candid with and you are comfortable?

Or animals? Are you an animal lover?


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RE: Asexual guy

To Tracystoke,

I honestly feel that I have no problems with my shyness. I really do not feel that I have any fear of sex and I have never faced any molestation or trauma. I'm just not into sex and want to never have it. I don't care for it.

To colleenoz & silversword,

Thank you for the advice, but I honestly feel that I would be fine without a life partner. I may not have a really close friend or pet, but I often feel fine whenever I am by myself. I have so many things to keep me busy, like my career and hobbies (poetry, music). Those things really keep me busy and happy. I love my hobbies.


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty, you seem from these posts to be well-adjusted and content. If your friends are critical, get different friends. If your friends are caring, explain that you're happy and content and their affection for you, shown thru their concern, is appreciated. Explain that, as friends, you expect that they will accept you as you are just as you accept them for whom they are. If they can't let it go, let them out of your life.

Things may change for you as far as your feelings go. So what? Go with what you feel and what you want as you feel or want it. Only you know best. If you seemed to be having a problem with it or other angst, perhaps I'd suggest that you seek some therapy to help you with it. But it doesn't seem to me that you need help. Don't let others decide that you do; if things are ok with you, so be it. Don't let others get you down.

I applaud you for listening to your own instincts; they are not hurting anyone and not hurting you. At some point if your instincts change, you'll know it.

Best to you.


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RE: Asexual guy

Yo, suzieque...well said.

Yo, Ty.....you've probably got sixty/seventy years before you're in the ground. Live them your way.


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RE: Asexual guy

Thanks, suzieque and asolo, for the words. I'm glad for them.

To Tracystoke,

I will admit that I have some antisexual feelings in me, but those don't impact my feelings that I don't want sex ever. But that's really all it is. It's not a fear thing.


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty you have opened my eyes to a different view on life.

thanks for that.

I wish you well, you seem like a very nice chap.

Just wondering, if you have any nurture feelings ?


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RE: Asexual guy

To Popi,

Thank you so very much for the lovely compliment. I am not sure what you mean by nurture feelings, but I am going to guess that means whether or not I want to have a family of some sort. The answer to that is a more likely to be no. I am not really wanting to adopt any children or have a wife, so the answer to your question is no.


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RE: Asexual guy

I just struggle to find thats all there is to it,but wil beleive you.Aslong as you are being true to yourself and are happy ,then that really is all that matters.hey its overated anyway LOL.


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RE: Asexual guy

To Tracystoke,

Thank you. Most people that know me struggle to believe it too, so you're not alone.


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RE: Asexual guy

No I don't mean wanting to have a family.

I was thinking more along the lines of when you were a child, did you want to have a pet, did you look after a pet ?


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RE: Asexual guy

To Popi,

I did have a pet growing up. I liked my dog. He was a really great dog. Loved him. What does that have to do with anything, though, if I may ask?


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RE: Asexual guy

To Silversword,
I don't know what a massage feels like. I don't have the money currently to get one right now, but I'm don't think I would really like one.

But to everyone,I have 2 questions that I need to ask:
1) Why is it that people don't like to be just friends with someone but want to be someone's lover?

2) Would you be willing to be in an nonsexual relationship with someone? Why or why not?


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty,

I so don't like to use the term "normal", but the feelings that you describe are definitely not normal; especially at your young age. According to Maslow's Hierarchy, sex is a basic physiological need on par with food, water, sleep etc.
Without having your basic needs met, you can't reach "self actualization" which is said to be necessary to be a completely functional human being.

My advice to you would be to see a physician and have your testosterone level checked. Low testosterone is responsible for decreased or total lack of libido and is far more common than many people realize. And it's easy to remedy.
It can be done with injections or a patch.

Good luck to you.


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RE: Asexual guy

To, MarkB

Well, then I guess I am not normal. And you know what? I don't care if I am abnormal. I know that for many people that sex is a need for them, but for me it's just not. Even at my young age. I don't really care for it, and I feel just fine about it. And I feel just fine with who I am. I may not become a self-actualized person, according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, but I feel just fine with who I am. I don't really care if I become self-actualized.

And second, you are saying this like I want to and should be changed. I am not wanting to be changed. I don't want to be cured. I feel fine with myself. Even if I have low testosterone levels, I wouldn't want that to change because I think of myself as just fine. I like the way I am. I don't think that I should change because I am different from the norm. I like myself and that is all that should matter. So I appreciate the advice you gave me, but I am not going to take it. No offense.

TyC


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RE: Asexual guy

Ty,

Just who are you trying to convince ...... me or you? I believe you do have a problem with it otherwise you would have no need to post on this forum.


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RE: Asexual guy

To MarkB,

I am trying to convince you and find a way to express it so that I can convince everyone else I know. Everyone I know is telling me exactly what you are telling me. And I want it to stop. So I came on here so that I can tell them sincerely. You may think I have a problem, but in reality I don't. I just have a problem with people telling me I do and I want to find a way to stop it. So I came here for advice.


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RE: Asexual guy

I agree with markb...if he were truly so content and happy with how he is, he wouldn't be on here defending his choices to a bunch of strangers.


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RE: Asexual guy

I can see it either way but don't see that it matters much. There have been MANY times in my life that I wished I knew how to handle things verbally and got ideas about it from books, movies and strangers in overheard conversations.

I don't see that the OP's position is much different from a person with a crossed eye or a facial port-wine stain that frequently attracts comments -- sometimes even from friends that think the person would be better off if they did something about it. (I've known several, which is why I used those particular examples.) Or a person who doesn't want to get married. Or a person who doesn't want children. Or a homosexual person. Or any person with any "difference" that attracts comments. At 20 years old it seems natural enough to me to seek out polite ways to handle such things which will likely occur quite often.

OP knows he's "different"; seems quite comfortable with it; is apparently productive and forward-moving; has no desire to be otherwise except.....wouldn't it be nice be to be able to politely handle the intrusions? I suspect this wasn't on his mind five years ago. As a maturing adult, of course it is. Seems natural enough to me that he's finding these intrusions to be a regular part of his now-adult life and to want to get an early handle on how to deal with it so that he can live harmoniously with his fellow citizens.

I don't see "defense" coming from him. I see explanations and requests. The "happy" and "content" part of it or degrees thereof I don't think we can discern from anything he's written.


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PS to previous......

I do have one other thought for OP......

If you have friends who are priests, nuns, or monks you might find good advice. Nothing to do with your religious views -- not insinuating anything like that. However, like you, these people have chosen "asexual" lives that involve their interacting with "other-oriented" friends and associates -- and they are generally well-respected wherever they may be found. They are quite accustomed to handling such questions and intrusions as you've described. I suspect there may be a wealth of information of use to you available among them.


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RE: Asexual guy

Look - if you hear any message over and over, pretty soon you come to believe it. Ty has hear from his "friends" over and over that there's something wrong with him. So he came here to get other people's viewpoints and perhaps be validated. That's happened, almost completely.

He doesn't feel there's anything wrong with him and he's not defending his makeup. More power to you, Ty; you're happy in your own life with your own choices. Lots of people can't say that no matter what the thing in question is.

Ty doesn't need fixing, whether you believe it or not.


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RE: Asexual guy

Thank you very much, Asolo. I really thank you very much for the advice. I will try that. I never thought of your advice.

And to Mkroopy,

I am not saying that I am defending. I am just coming to get some advice as how I can deal with the people, who think in a way that is similar to your thinking, and tell them that I want to live the way I want to for the rest of my life. I know you don't think of me as being content, but let me tell you I am. I am just great with how things are, it's just that I am trying to get the people around me to be OK with my way of living.


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RE: Asexual guy

Hi Ty,
The only reason I encourage you to get a massage is for the touch. It's not sexual, and I think touch is necessary for human health. It might be a good way to get that without being sexual with someone. And they aren't that expensive.

But some people don't like to be touched, so to each their own. :)

You have two questions:

1) Why is it that people don't like to be just friends with someone but want to be someone's lover?

2) Would you be willing to be in an nonsexual relationship with someone? Why or why not?

1) because being sexual is the next step, the 'closer' step, one way people can "really get to know another person". A lot of people don't know how to be close with someone without moving on to that next level.

2. Yes. I have a LOT of men and women in my life with whom I am not sexual. Would I be willing to be partners with someone without being sexual with them??? I don't know, honestly. Depends on who they are.

*** I just have to say you don't seem defensive to me. And to let you know that it doesn't matter if you are sexual or asexual or bisexual or homosexual or heterosexual because there will always be SOMEONE who thinks you're doing it wrong and wants to get involved and tell you what to do.

Sex is kind of like religion. Everyone has an opinion about it, and many will think their way is the only way.

I think the best thing for you to do is find some friends who like you for you... who accept you... Practice with them, or in a mirror, saying "Thanks for asking if I want to be set up on a blind date with your cousin, but I'm really happy in the place I'm in right now" and "I'm really focused on my (skydiving/belly button lint collection/college) right now but when I do want to meet a nice girl you'll be the first to know".

Practice nice, firm statements to say to people. And then have a "shut-down" response as well. I'm not sure what that would sound like, but something like my husband's response of 'are you asking when I'm going to have sex with my wife without a condom'...

He says it with a smile... so it isn't as rude as it sounds... and it makes people realize they are WAY OUT OF LINE inquiring about our PRIVATE SEX LIFE (or lack thereof).

Bottom line? If you're cool with it, figure out a way to say that so that people realize you're drawing a line and they have to respect it.

People will always think there's something wrong with someone who doesn't live life the way they do. Doesn't matter if you're an atheist, lesbian, tree-hugging republican. Someone will think you should be a Morman bisexual big-business democrat.

Actually I find it refreshing that you don't want to talk about your sex life or have that be a part of a friendship. I wish more people were like that!!!


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RE: Asexual guy

I do commend the OP for not doing what I think a lot of people do, however, which is to get into a relationship and/or marriage on the pretense of having a 'normal' sex drive...only to either have to fake it as years go on (which is not healthy for a relationship), or eventually come clean about how they are....which will also cause problems. I've known people (usually ladies...) that have told me or my ex wife that if they had the choice they would never have sex again...they just go along with it occasionally to not upset their partners. That's no way to live...

If this is how you are, and you are cool with it...great. As for anyone who gives you sh*t about it...tell them to take a hike. It's really nobody's business but yours.


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RE: Asexual guy

Thanks, Suzieque.


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RE: Asexual guy

Thanks, MKroopy, I am glad for your statement. Thanks for that. And that is really why I don't want to get into a relationship. I don't want to get into a relationship with someone because I feel that sex will probably come up and I don't want to do that.


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RE: Asexual guy

I have a hypothetical question for everyone. Do you think that in what is being described as the "sexual age" that there will be anyone who wants to be a virgin for life? Or is a person who is like me going to be alone forever? And explain, please.


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RE: Asexual guy

Well there must be some other people out there the same as you,but I do think its going to be one hell of a job to find them.


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RE: Asexual guy

Such loaded questions.
A virgin for life? Hmmm. I don't doubt that there is a percentage of the population in Western culture who remain virgins for life, either by conscious choice or because that's just the way things turned out. I also don't doubt that there are people who were content with their virginity when they were young, but whose outlook changed as they got older- our opinions, hopes and dreams almost always change as we get older. And there are the ones who had a sexual life in their youth and then let things drift as they got older and for one reason or another stopped having sex. So, honestly, even in this "sexual age" it's not like everyone everywhere is at it like rabbits.
What do you mean by "alone forever"? Do you mean not even in a Platonic relationship with someone? I don't think Platonic relationships can really be actively pursued, they tend to just happen. So you may, you may not. I think it's easier to find a special someone who would like a sexual relationship, than one who doesn't, there's a lot more of them out there.
Do you mean, the only adult virgin in Western civilisation? For the reasons stated above, I doubt that very much.
To be honest, in your shoes I would stop agonising over the whole issue. Either you will want to have sex, or not. Fine either way, there's no law that says you have to do either. And because I know the me at 20 was almost a whole different person to the me at 50 I suspect you will be too, and that may include your current outlook regarding sex.


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RE: Asexual guy

All right, Colleenoz. Thanks for the help and advice.


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