I think this is one of those biggies where you two just HAVE to go to marriage counseling. You have a great marriage it sounds like, so it really needs to be on the table for discussion and his fears about this out in the open. Then you can decide together how to proceed..

I wish you all the best, sounds like you two are great together. I'd strongly encourage you both to get all the fears out in the open with a non biased professional to help you sift through..

Hugs..
~Cat

You're doing a lot of thinking, and IMO, thinking the right thoughts. You're also talking about it, and neither of you are behaving badly. So lots of good points --

Cattlettuce's suggestion about going to counseling is a good one, I think. Especially if you can both genuinely regard it as "We are working together to make a major decision and getting an objective third party to help us." rather than as "We are gong to marriage counseling." (Which I don't feel would be an accurate perception.)

But if one or both of you don't want to go to counseling, I also suspect you will be able to work through it together on your own -- though perhaps not as neatly and with more hurt feelings and less 'closure' to the decision.

For now, I'd say that a "No" by either party needs to translate into a clear "Not right now" for you both. So tell him that and go back to whatever birth control method worked for you both before. Let him know the issue isn't resolved for good -- but that it's postponed for now until you've both agreed on a course of action and are sure of it.

For what it's worth, there is no one best decision -- just the best decision for the two of you.

So what are his main reasons for not wanting kids? And are they work-around-able?

I am not sure guys "want" to have children... My DH just went along with it. He liked the idea, so did I...just had the children. But I was younger than you..26 when I had my first one. Now...he is thrilled to have a son and daughter, greatest thing he ever did !

We didn't think about it and analyse it as much as you. Maybe that is a generational thing, and maybe it is a good thing that you are giving so much thought to having children.

Now..22 years later, well..it has been fun! You certainly won't regret it, especially if you have a stash of money to make things secure for you.

p

I know that children are a blessing, but in this world as we know it today, is it really a blessing to that child....we are leaving them debts that they can never repay, a world full of stress and fear. I worry about the kids/grandkids I already have and hope there won't be any more...but love all that God has blessed me with. Maybe these are some thoughts and fears that your DH is having also.

some men want to have children. i know my dad did. he really wanted to have the first child. he wasn't as sure about the 2nd one though.

My X actually wanted to have children. He wanted us to get pregnant wiht DD as soon as we were married. and he has 2 younger children now and neither was an accident. I wouldn't be suprised if he has another one. some men like the more the marrier. but it is true that many men just go along wiht what woman wants. i would hesitate though to have children with a man who clearly does not want children or is not sure. i think counselling is a great idea. you want to be on the same page.

That window of opportunity closes much faster than you think! Men do not understand this at all. I waited with an ambivalent spouse for so long, I finally had my daughter when I was 38. Spouse is long gone, daughter was the best thing I ever did in my life, bar none.

Thanks so much you guys for the variety of perspectives. And Scarlett, thank you for that thought, this is my biggest fear that he'll take years to finally make up his mind and it will be decision by default, or we'll have to do IVF (which I dread, I know so many people who have had to do it and the process sounds awful), or my parents will no longer be around, etc. For me the sooner the better.

By the way, I finally coaxed the 'reasons' out of him, and aside from just basically enjoying the freedom right now, I think 'diapers' came up about two dozen times...he can't see past that for some reason, you'd think diapers was a pit of poisonous vipers to hear him talk about it!

So after a week of fighting, making-up, heartache, tears and laughter, we agreed to put the plans on hold for one year, and then we could revisit it. I'll be 31 at that time, so hopefully with child by 33, I can live with that. In the meantime I'm going to keep busy with hobbies, traveling and reading, in the hopes that I'll have no regrets if I use the time wisely to do things that would be more difficult to do with kids. Me time! Try to turn lemons into lemonade, what else can you do, right?

Thanks again, everyone...I love this site...so many positive insights, and so few judgements. Rare for a messageboard.

PG, We didn't have our first child until I was 33, the second one came at 36 years old. You still have time to decide what is right for you. We did not want children right off the bat after we were married. We wanted to travel, build up our savings, buy a home with a yard for the children we planned on having, and that is exactly what we did. So you are doing the right thing for you.
You would not believe the pressure my MIL put on us to have her grandchildren early in our marriage. Whenever we went for a visit she always would make comments about when are we going to start having her grandchildren. It got so we did not want to go for visits any more. We finally told her we will have children when WE want them, not when she does. Her harping stopped after that.
Good luck with the counseling. I think a year is long enough to think about a subject as serious as children. You may also want start thinking about what you will do if your husband decides that he does not want to have children after all. Can you live with that decision? NancyLouise