My life with my husband is miserable. He is argumentative, controlling and a liar. I stayed with him all these years because of the children. We are complete opposites. Whatever I say, he will say the opposite just to get me angry. I do everything by myself now except go to see his children from his 1st marriage. I still have a good job and he has retired.

I just don't know what to do. I'm almost 60. Now I feel if we split up, his care (he is a 3 pack a day smoker and won't even try to quit) would fall in my children's lap. I just can't bear to do that to them.

I know this marriage is over but I just don't know what to do about it at this point in my life. I am a very happy person when I am not with him.

Well are you loved by your DH?

Are you giving him love ?

By your own definition, this is not what you are doing. So I think you have answered your own question.

When my mother died, I came to the realization that every moment counts and its a wasted life if you are not happy, or contented. So its important to strive for that.

I would not worry about the future, so much. You said the burden of caring for your DH will fall on the children. You stayed together "for the children". The children are gone, don't continue "staying together for the children".

Live in the moment and find that contentment.

All the best, Goldie.

You've heard, I'm sure, that the time immediately following a loved one's death is very stressful, so it's generally recommended for a bereaved person not to make any drastic life changes during the first year after a loved one's passage. While I think it's generally good advice, I wouldn't altogether hold to it as I also think it's a time for great revelations. And that some of the powerful insights we receive at that time and the courage we gain from their impact make drastic changes more possible then than at other times.

Goldie - If you know in your heart that your feelings are real and long-standing, that they're not just an impulsive reaction to your grief, then yes, go now knowing you've done your time - done more than your time. Go out and be happy, knowing that by being happy yourself, you will be better able to give love and receive it, and that your life and the lives of your children will be enriched by your happiness.

OTOH, I am willing and planning to take care of my Mom. She's the one who loved me and she's the one I love. The second happiest day of my life was the day she told us kids to pack our stuff because we were finally leaving my father. The first happiest day is my wedding.

As far as the loss of your mother making you think about your life, well death has a way of doing that. I think it is a perfect opportunity to make changes in your life if you really believe that changes are necessary. Why wait? What have you got to gain by waiting?

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

You knew before. Did you really need "another straw'?

Know it's painful. But not as painful as staying.

It will be a hard road...but you have made up your mind, so stick to it.

A good friend once said to me "you can do anything, P, you have had children". I think that is so true. If you can navigate that road, you can do ANYTHING.

So go forth, you will be better off, than you are now.

Take care and let us know how you are getting on.

Popi

How do you think your grown children will receive the news? I wonder if they might have suspected their fathers drinking also. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the support you will receive from them.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. ((Hug))

~Cat

Excellent phrase....need to remember that!

Completely agree with Asolo -- A fabulous phrase

And to answer the question "What will happen to him?" --
Whatever he causes to happen to him -- same as the rest of us.

well he had all this time to quit his addictions, he didn't, so let him take care of himself. maybe it would make him to go seek recovery and quit smoking 3 packs, but it is his life. you don't have to be his caregiver. enjoy your new life.

PS
unless you are already doing it, go to AlAnon meetings, it would make huge difference (either you stay with addict or leave him). Plus you can meet plenty of new friends there to support you.

no.

but it'll never be any earlier.

Life can be enjoyed, relished, appreciated.

It doesn't have to consist of misery & endurance until one day you finally, gratefully, exhaustedly, drop into the grave.

*Then* it's too late.

(& if your hubs is still around, he'll find somebody to take your place.)