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I found out my husband requested escort service.

Posted by leilani79 (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 7, 08 at 21:29

Hi. I really don't have anyone to talk to and need to talk to someone right now. My husband of 4 yrs, have emailed and requested some escort service in Las Vegas while he would be on TDY(he's in the military) and I confronted him about it. He says that he never follow through with it because the girl never emailed back. I asked him if he would've done it if the girl emailed back. He said he doesn't know. I really don't know what to do. We have 14 months old and he will be deployed soon. He said that he's not happy with our sex life. And that's why he did it. And I agree with him. I was never satisfied but I was willing to live with it because we were so happy except for that. I really can't believe this is happening to me. Is he lying to me? I think I need a separation. It hurts so much.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Of course he's lying to you. Actually, it sounds to me as if both of you have been deceiving the other about your apparently mutual dissatisfactions for some time. He probably can't believe its happening to him either.

He's being deployed? How much more "separation" do you want?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Please be sure to see your doctor asap.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I recently got my pep-smear and everything came back negative. I am not making an excuse for my husband but he's the most loving, caring man and I know he loves me dearly. And vice versa. From men's perspective, is it possible to do this to someone you love? Should I believe what he's saying about not following through with it? I really don't want to leave him. But should I? Can this happen again? We talked about getting some help. I personally believe he has sex addiction. It's not like he wants sex from me all the time but he constantly goes and search for new porn and long time ago, i found a piece of paper that had phone # to massage parlor while we were in Korea. Massage parlor thing happened b4 we got married and I didn't find out about it after a year or so into the marriage. Can we overcome this? Or is this too much that it's not worth me trying?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I'd worry more than just ruling out cancer from a pap smear. Have you had an AIDS test? If you plan on ever having another baby, herpes could create a huge problem. There are many sexual diseases to consider. Seriously, talk to your doctor/OB and tell them your husband has been frequenting who%es and see what they suggest... an affair with a secretary at work is bad enough.. but Vegas and Korean who&es would scared the heck out of me. Please, please protect yourself.

I don't know what your husband's problem is, or if you can overcome it. But the fact that he is probably lying to you won't help resolve any sexual addiction issue, will it? In order to even get help, I would think he would have to admit the problem.

Do you really think he will be faithful to you when he is away? Does he even care that he is putting the health and life of his child's mother in jeopardy? I'd tell your husband to come clean; or even hire a PI yourself if you have any question or are in denial over what is going on. You probably don't know or even want to believe what is going on yourself. Unless everything is out, nothing can be fixed and even then you may be fighting an uphill battle..

And, I'll tell you one more thing. If my husband had planned on cheating on me but didn't because the girl didn't return his e-mail, I would still consider that cheating and hold him accountable nonetheless. The fact that he told you he didn't follow through (due to the girl)wouldn't even matter to me. He wanted and planned on doing it. Even if you can't bring yourself to believe that he actually ever did cheat, that should be reason enough to hold him accountable and lose all trust in him.

Here is a link that might be useful: Infidelity


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I have to fully agree with carla35, further you need to know if he even cares enough about your quality of life in this marriage, meaning he may be willing to say the right thing and talk or even work on your sex life, but staying faithful is different, and something he may never do.

Your husband is obviously unfaithful, always being away, and thinking that the condition of your sexual relationship is an acceptible excuse, I would legally seperate, him being deployed I would take the opportunity to get myself secure situationally and get the custody of my child in order. This shouldn't take long, given his career.

During this turn up you guys can go to councelling or continue talking, and you will have to be strong, look ahead and determine if he is an acceptible LIFE PARTNER. Are you willing to LIVE WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE no matter what? Or is it better to seperate now, make a stand given the distance, and re-evaluate the weight of this marriage, and the cost of this marriage on your life.

You are already operating as a single parent and a single woman (only having bragging rights to a man who is absent), and now he is adding the weight of his selfish infidelity... I have to say seperate, not to punish him but to get yourself and your child together, and out of his sphere of control.

Also don't go through this alone, call in some live in help, your mother, best friend, sister, who wouldn't back stab you, or try to inflence you in any particular direction.

SEPERATE, then let him take some acceptible action.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Yes, men will go find what their bodies need if they're not getting it at home.

The only ways to avoid this are to make sure you're sexually compatible before committing, or if you've already found you're incompatible to go to a counselor, or consider having an open marriage.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"...men will go find what their bodies need if they're not getting it at home."

Yup. Women, too. Or did that not occur to you.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Come on... I don't think this is a case of people going elsewhere because they are not getting what they need. What kind of married men sleep with paid whor$s? Maybe I'm just naive. I would think there are a lot of unsatisfied married men out there; do they really go and call on whor*s?

Sexual addiction is an addiction problem. Furthermore, most affairs have to do with insecurities or other marirage problems not related to sex. This couple could be having the wildest, best sex of their lives together, and I totally believe he would still be trying to get it elsewhere too.

Him not being happy with his sex life (even if true) was used an excuse to get out of his wrong doing or change the subject and push some of the blame on her; I highly doubt it's the problem causing him to cheat. If only life could be that easy. Throw 'em a good sex book and all their problems will be solved, doubt it...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

What kind of TDY could he have in the military in Las Vegas?
The nearest base is way out of town. I have been there and its not a short ride. The military I remember doesn't put you up at Harrahs. I guess my point is--is this legit TDY or some kind of an excuse to get out of town for a few days.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Escort services operate "legally" all over the country so there must be a lot of men who make use of them. From what I understand it is rather expensive to use such services and the guys who make a habit of partaking are oftentimes large wage earners. Otherwise, those with less bread to spend might tend to go the more conventional route. Or, make a once in a lifetime trip to Vegas.

I don't know him, but I think that he doesn't feel that he is doing anything wrong. Because there is no committment in such an arrangement he is purely in it for the sex.

If this guy wanted a real relationship, he would go out and pursue someone and make an attachment to a "real" woman. However, that involves wooing and keeping someone with an expenditure of time and effort.

How immature!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

" the most loving?..." I think that the most loving and carrying men do not have sex with escort. It would be more honest to just leave you if sex life is that bad.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I would say your marriage is in trouble! Any man who even looks into an escort service is not committed to his relationship. And the fact that he told you he is unhappy with your sex life and that he might have met up with the escort had she returned his e-mail is a big problem. You have two options:

1. go to counseling with him and attempt to trust him, though with his current job I would think it would be so very difficult!

2. seperate and perhaps divorce

I do think that marriage is a huge committment and everything possible should be done to save a marriage. But, what he is doing to you is not just wrong, but could harm you both. He could pick up all kinds of diseases, some uncurable, and pass them onto you. You need to get tested specifically for std's and aids.....they will not show up on a routine pap smear. And many stds do not have symptoms that you will even notice!

In my honest opinion once a cheater always a cheater. And when trust is broken in this way things may never be the same.

I was cheated on once by a boyfriend. Found out he had a whole other relationship going on after we had been together 2 years! I had that feeling that something was not right and did a little sneaking around and found out about his other girlfriend. I went and saw the girl. She ended up not knowing about me as well. We confronted him together. He broke up with her on the spot and apologized to me. I called him a few choice words and left. He kept calling me and coming to my house begging for me to try things again with him. I could not get past the cheating and that disgusted feeling. I knew that I could never trust him because of all the lies about "working late" he had given me when he had another girlfriend. I told him I did not want to have to second guess my man and feel sick to my stomach every time he went to work because I did not know if he was lying or not. We had no kids together and were not married so I am sure it was a lot easier to walk away then it would be in your situation.

But, if you do not feel that you can trust him and your stressing out about if he is faithful during his deployments it may be best to end the marriage. It will not be easy, but it will be better then him ending your marriage in 10 years and a few kids later because he has found someone else!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I can't believe I'm reading this post! I just found out that my husband also requested escort service while away on a business trip in NYC. I'm devistated. We have had some issue with our sex life as well, but never really complained about it. We had a baby 2 years ago and I had to go for surgery shortly after her birth, that is when it occured.

I really don't believe him when he says it was the first time and neither does the counsolor. I actually went to counsoling for myself and she even said it sounds as though he may have a sex addiction.

Now he is away in Florida with the boys golfing and I'm really not feeling the trust. He went to confession at our church recently too confess which makes me think more happend that what he is telling me. I don't know what to do. This is my second marriage and he was my Knight in shinning armor when we met, I can't believe this has happened.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I realise that the original post is now somewhat old but I would still like to add my comments. I am basing my knowledge of escorts in england where being an escort or using an escort is legal
You say that he emailed the escort, this tells me it isnt something he does often, and it is possible he hasnt done it before, a regular visitor to escorts would just pick up the phone and book.
Although it is a good idea to have a sexual health check, in England it would be very unlikely to catch an sti from an escort. Although some silly women offer bb most do not and have regular sexual health checks.
The fact is that most married men either do not get enough sex or want something their wives will not give them,or they are to embarrassed to ask for. This does not mean they are unhappily married and so do not want another relationship and so instead choose to pay for the service they do not get from their wives.
I know that lots of women are probably going to disagree, and you can do all you like, the fact will still remain that I am right and if you are married I can safely say there is a 99% chance that your husband has had sexual contact with another woman during your marriage
The best thing I can advise is to be open to any suggestions and make suggestions yourself. I am not saying do anything to make your husband happy, but I am saying at least listen.
To the original poster I would like to say, if you are still together, talk to your husband, neither of you were happy with your sexlife at the time of posting, find out what it is he feels is missing and tell him what you feel is missing and take it from there. You say you were willing to ignore the sexlife as the rest of your marriage was happy , unfortunately men arent able to do this, sex is more important to them.
Unless you have told your councellor something you havent put in this post then get rid, they shouldnt be telling you they think he is lying and has seen escorts before, unless they have something to base that on. sex addiction? what a load of rubbish, he is a man, they have higher sex drives than most women.
I would say if he is emailing escorts rather than calling them then it isnt something he has done a lot, if he was confident about using escorts he would just pick up the phone and book.
You may all shock me but I am expecting some angry replies to this post so i will answer some of the questions i expect
Yes I am an escort
My reply to this post is based on what men have told me
I am a feminist
Escorting is something I chose to do even though I have another well paid job
I am single and no I wouldnt do this if in a relationship
I wouldnt have an affair with a married man, but yes I do see married men as an escort
Most escorts have made the choice, I personally dont know any that have been forced into it, but yes these women do exist


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"I know that lots of women are probably going to disagree, and you can do all you like, the fact will still remain that I am right and if you are married I can safely say there is a 99% chance that your husband has had sexual contact with another woman during your marriage"

Huh? Really, are you talking to everyone? Is that just a blanket statement? Come on, I would think at least 5%-10% of cheaters are really gay, so 99% cheating with woman may still be a little too high. Don't you think? I'm curious... about what percentage of wives do you think have cheated on their husbands? I'm betting you're still sort of young, aren't you... cause I gotta tell you... a lot of women's sex drives go way up in their 40's (like way up)... Do a big percentage of them hire male escorts?

I really couldn't care less what you do. But, I think you need to realize you are dealing with men that see escorts. You probably don't know the men who don't, so I think your percentage views are way off. Of course, 99% of the married men you see are cheaters (I'm guessing maybe 1% change their minds or can't perform) but just as I don't know your world, you don't know mine. There really are decent married men out there that don't cheat. Maybe someday you'll meet one and settle down yourself.

I'm curious, were you abused as a child? Why did you go into the business? What makes someone like you go into the business and someone like me, not? (missed opportunities, lack of education, lack of funds, sexual abuse, different views on ethics, drug dependence, different levels of self respect?). I really don't mean to sound rude, I've just never talked to anyone who was an official lady of the evening and I wondered what you think makes most of them choose their lifestyle.

Do you ever feel guilty that you may be the source of some broken up marriages and children growing up without their fathers? I know they may just see another woman instead, (just like you can always find another drug dealer too) but still, you are the one they end up sleeping with, so do you ever feel guilty or realize that you may play a part in breaking up the home? Or do you really not care? Would you care if you were married with kids?

I think you probably have very tainted views of men and the world in general and I think that has allowed you to be tainted yourself. In the reverse, when you think more positively and believe in goodness in people, it often tends to pull you in. Try it sometime if you can; do sometime really good with really good people (and I don't mean giving someone a freebie). I think you'd be surprised at how much more positively you'll feel about yourself. I wish you well.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

As a woman, I find this subject often very difficult to understand. That is to say, the difference between men and women or even if there really is one. Nature/nurture? Do men really have a biological imperative to go out and sew their "wild oats"? I don't know, cause I'm not a guy.

I know, for sure, though that I can't even imagine myself (women) going out to "get it" and not caring about whether there is some kind of mutual caring or attachment between me and the other person. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I don't know if most women feel the way I do.

I think that the men (maybe women, too?) who go to escorts to get sex simply decide that they want to be gratified in that area. They don't need the excess baggage of attachment or commitment or love that go along with that kind of an intimate connection. I can't think of any other human interaction that requires the complete and total abandonment of acquired boundries that go along with stripping down naked and tangling up with another human being. My feeling is that with each such connection a "soul tie" is made between the people involved which you carry with you to your wife and all other such intimate relationships. You would have lots of people in bed with you as a result.

I simply cannot relate to it nor would I want such a thing to wind up between me and my significant other.


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troll

escort post is a troll, most likely. seriously, why would escort woman post on marriage forum? she is not married, not in a relationship, so what would promote her to even seek such forum and offer her ideas here?

amd the funniest thing I ever heard is that she (or he pretends to be she) heard this or that from men whom she services. lol I highly doubt that men who hire prostitutes are representatives of majority of our society.

Yes, many people cheat but still most do not pay for sex. And women who have well pad jobs do not become prostitutes. It is a pretty easy and good money but doing it while having good full time job is just too risky and dangerous. i also liked that she is a feminist. lol I think it might be a guy who does not udnerstand what is the meaning of the word-feminist. No, selling your body does not make you a feminist. ha

Phoney post.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

You're probably right, finedreams. She/he is probably a troll. ....And, I was really hoping to gain some insight from her perspective! LOL


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I did not consider that the poster could have been a troll (LOL)! Yes, seems possible.

I would also be curious to understand/know why women would work in that (industry)?

Thinking that money $$$ would be the reason for doing it.

Consider the recent news on high profile officials (governors) who use their services and how much they pay for it. Thousands of dollars just to be with a women in a situation where they won't get caught. That is why these men with lots of money use them. Too much risk going with a regular person who might eventually want more from them.

The average run of the mill person who wants some added excitement in the romance department who are married (men especially but statistics are showing the women are doing it too) will seek out a married person to do it with. That is because there is less of a risk for them getting caught. The person they dabble with has as much to lose as they do.

I think, though, that a very wealthy and prominent person would not want to take that kind of risk. Too big of a chance that the person they get involved with might expose them. They may have more Power but the person they tangle up with could blackmail them.

I was once sexually harassed by a person with much more power then I have. Thankfully I escaped the situation. I simply could not understand why this "bully" targeted me.
Perhaps, the power differential was so great that the person felt that I didn't represent a threat. In other words, I'd keep my mouth shut out of fear.

What an interesting subject.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

If you really want to make your relationship work, you should try the couple with escort experience

Here is a link that might be useful: Couple with escort


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

ugh- I've tried to post a responce three times. It was really long- had my whole story and yada yada. I am an escort- I am not a troll :) I really am a woman sitting here typing. I don't feel like typing my whole story back into here- it's sad and full of ups and downs and pretty much comes down to- I just want my life back to where I can get back to college- after I pay off the last $30000 of debt that was left to me by my lovely ex.... Any questions you have or you would like answered- please respond to this and i will respond as openly and honestly as possible.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

here I'll make it easy- heres some questions that were asked, "I'm curious, were you abused as a child? Why did you go into the business? What makes someone like you go into the business and someone like me, not? (missed opportunities, lack of education, lack of funds, sexual abuse, different views on ethics, drug dependence, different levels of self respect?). I really don't mean to sound rude, I've just never talked to anyone who was an official lady of the evening and I wondered what you think makes most of them choose their lifestyle."

I was not abused as a child. I actually had a great childhood with wonderful parents, an older brother. I got strait a's all through school, went to college- met my ex. Thought he was the world- then two years later, he vanished and I was left with so much debt I couldn't see strait and had to drop out of college. I have worked two jobs for the past three years and I'm down to just under $30,000. I really want to get back to school- but then found out there was no way to get a loan until I had the rest of my debt paid off. I was desperate- looking for ways to make more money as my bills are 2500 a month and I was making 2000 a month working both jobs. I found a link... sigh internet... and it goes from there... No one pushed me into this but myself. It doesnt get any easier- I'm still working my two jobs- and I just started the other- and the only thing that is keeping me going right now- is the thought that I can be debt free in TWO MONTHS. I don't know if I can do this for two months. Laying under a sweating guy that you don't love- telling him how great he is- getting cash- and crying the whole drive home everytime, until I can jump in the shower- rub myself raw so that I don't smell him anymore- and pass out from exaustion and disgust.... The only lack of education I have is I haven't finish college yet- will hopefully soon- so I can move on with my life. Lack of funds- yes. No sexual abuse in my past. No different views on ethics- I dont think. No matter anyones ethics- if your pushed to the last thread- it's easier than you think to cross the line- no matter how bad you feel about it. I've never done drugs. I did respect myself- until now. I don't know how or why many other women choose this 'profession' but this is my only way out right now.

"Do you ever feel guilty that you may be the source of some broken up marriages and children growing up without their fathers? I know they may just see another woman instead, (just like you can always find another drug dealer too) but still, you are the one they end up sleeping with, so do you ever feel guilty or realize that you may play a part in breaking up the home? Or do you really not care? Would you care if you were married with kids? "

I do feel guilty- I do tell my clients that if they're married not to contact me- but if they're lying to their spouse- they could lie to me as well. I don't know if I will ever be able to find a man that I trust enough after what I've seen and gone through. I would like to get married and have kids someday- but I don't know if that's a possibility. But, if I found out that he was doing that- I would try to fix the marriage and if it didn't work- i'd call it quits. It can be exciting for a man to contact an escort or flirt with another mom on the school board or anything like that. Don't you think? But, if they act on it once- and don't come clean and show remorse for it- they're probably going to try it again.

"I think you probably have very tainted views of men and the world in general and I think that has allowed you to be tainted yourself. In the reverse, when you think more positively and believe in goodness in people, it often tends to pull you in. Try it sometime if you can; do sometime really good with really good people (and I don't mean giving someone a freebie). I think you'd be surprised at how much more positively you'll feel about yourself. "

After all that I've been through- I've needed help- couldn't find it; needed good people to talk to and help me figure out my debt (I've tried debt counselors- they stole money from me) you get the idea... I still want to believe the best in people- I still want to believe that I'm a good person. I care about people. I work so hard to pay off debt- but still give a dollor to the guy standing on the street corner and volunteer every wednesday- because I believe in the best. But it's just getting harder and harder. Especially with my new situation. I don't know- maybe there aren't that many good people left. I hope I find them if they're out there. I'm all alone- have been for a while. My parents are gone. My brother lives in a different country with his family- and wouldn't be able to help if I asked. I was given an option- to do something that could potentially ruin my future mental being and take it for what it is- a job and deaden myself to people- and then be able to move on with my life, with my schooling, no matter how many tears I cry. Or not. I still haven't decided if it's worth it or not. I don't think I ever will. But, at least I'm able to see the end.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Here are some more questions for you...

Why didn't you just declare bankruptcy? Yes, it could mess up your credit for years, but probably better than messing up your mind and self respect forever, no?

I know you are not the original escort, but do you think 99% of married men cheat? If not, what percentage would you guess?

What do you think makes some men more prone to visit you than others? Lack of self esteem or what? I know some men that couldn't pass up the chance where others I honestly don't think would do it even under the right circumstances. I don't necessarily think it's a matter of being in love, or how much sex they are getting, but more closely related to their values on sex and marriage. What do you think?

What kind of things do the men tell you that others may find interesting? Or do you really never talk.

Stay safe...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Carla35-
I didn't declare bankruptcy when I started making payments- because I ws told I shouldn't by credit counselors. I followed their advice and make monthly payments- but there just came more and more. Finally now- when I would consider it- I look back at I've paid over 100,000 off and it would just feel to me that I wasted all of that money if I didn't finish paying it off- plus the school loans- even a guarenteed school loan- they wouldn't consider me without a cosigner if I had a bankruptcy.
No- I think it's rediculous to think 99% of all married men cheat- I'd say 95% have thought about it, maybe 50% have seriously considered it and maybe 30% have gone through with it. Supposedly- I haven't helped a married man cheat- but again, you never know.
My opinion on why some will visit and others wont- A lot of the single men work really hard, are concentrating on other things and don't have time or aren't ready to find a commited relationship- They just want certain needs taken care of and then I leave and they don't have to worry about me getting mad at them for not calling me or anything. Also, men who have low self confidence. They've never had a great relationship- or they had one where they were belittled- they're willing to pay for someone to act interested in them and tell them how amazing they are. There's also the men that just got out of a relationship- They're usually angry and a little deprived- as their relationship was going bad- there probably wasn't a lot of physical contact- it's men's way of acting out and 'getting over' it and showing they don't need a relationship. As to married men- I think- especially now- marraige isn't taken as seriously. A lot of people around me are getting married in their early twenty's after knowing the other person for only a few months. I don't know how you could REALLY love someone then. The lust will die and eye's will wonder. You have the men- that look at everything, but would never touch. Then you have the men who think it's ok to touch. I hear guy friends of mine complaining about how they don't get sex in their marriage anymore and I laugh- because I also hear their wives telling how he fell asleep while she was trying to get him worked up... So, if it was REALLY an issue- i would think it would be something to talk to a therapist about- there are now suppliments, sex therapist, toys- just about anything to put an extra jolt- plus, i would think- just having the love there- would make it great. BUT- I do NOT think that is a reason to cheat. A man (or woman) would have to be able to reason why it's ok to go get intimate with another when they have pledged to love and be there and not hurt their sig other. I think a lot of it may come from broken homes- seeing parents dating a lot as a child- I don't know- I do know that our bodies are not meant to be monogomis- we can get short of breath watching a man lift weights (or whatever) but it's our mind and hearts that seperate us from other animals. If a man can say that he loves his wife AND was thinking straight AND he can't imagine how it would hurt wife AND still sleeps with another- I just don't get it- Sorry.
Um- lets see- interesting. I do think I'm not the normal, run of the mill, escort- I don't go, get to it, and leave. I do like talking- I feel a little better if theres a little connection or knowledge. I've heard some really interesting things. The majority- The more clothes the better... and looser rather than tight- they love being able to use more imagination. always ALWAYS tell him that he's the best- even if you've been married to him for years. It helps their ego's. Men love moaning... Not the full out O moaning- but just little moans. I don't know what it is- but it drives them crazy. i've been told a few times- that when they were in serious relationships in the past- they'd work, go home, sex, bed but everyonce in a while- the gf or ex wife would come into the bedroom with something naughty on and after seeing her in suits and pj's for a month- it was insane. Since I havent' slept with any married men- I don't really get any insight into that- but I do know the one thing ALL men want and need is to feel needed- to know that someone wants them so bad it hurts or needs them (even just to uscrew a lid) I do think some married men- may not feel needed or wanted after years in a marriage (even tho that is NO reason to stray)- it's the womans job to remember that and show him. In different ways- that's the main point. Some men just want to feel needed in bed, some in life, some at work, some as a father- but all men need it. Hope that answered some questions... feel free to ask anything.
God Bless


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

sophie64-
You say you are an Escort and I have some questions. First- I just reacently caught my husband using an escort service. He claims it was the first time he has done this and that there were 2 visits before I caught him. He also claims that he did not have SEX! He says he was too nervous to do it. Whatever!! He said it lasted an hour and that it was, as he called it, an all over body massage. He paid $200 for this. Is it possiable that is was not sex? Or am I just fooling myself!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Ugh, how awful. Sounds like this was a mis-match for you both, but now you have a little one to consider. Why would a less than satisfying sexual life be acceptable to you, kid or not? That's a lot of years to commit to being unsatisfied..

I'd get tested for STD's, get appropriate treatment if warranted and part on amicable terms for the baby's sake.

Unless you can both get some counseling and you can TRUST each other after this. I think that would be really difficult to develop a trusting relationship at this point, but I guess you won't know if you don't try.

A big decision, but please do not settle for a "mediocre" marrage/life because if you do that is just what you'll get. Then 20 yr.s later the kid will be out and you'll be sitting there wondering what happened to all those hopes & dreams you once had.

A lot to consider.


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Ins and outs of the escorting industry

I happened to come across this site while googling and thought I'd add some of my thoughts.

First, I am formerly an escort who had a client base in the US. I'm 34 yo, single (engaged!), don't smoke, hate drugs, barely drink, no children, never been married, no tattoos and no piercings whatsoever. I also have a college degree in marketing.

To begin, men who contact escorts periodically are called "hobbyists."

Next, you must understand this other side of society is quite extensive, the participating men come from all economic backgrounds/relationship statuses and you'd be astounded to learn at what length these men go to for an appointment and keeping their secret life hidden from their significant others.

Also, not all ladies in the escorting industry fit your presumptive mold of a typical prostitute. Some of these women I've met or know through former clients consist of a current police officer, active military member (being shipped to Iraq in 2 weeks), Doctoral degree candidate at Harvard, a successful lawyer in Boston, a Real Estate Investor, a Primary school teacher and an Accountant.

Women get into this for a variety of reasons and some of these ladies are highly intelligent! You may not understand or agree with their decision to escort/prostitute, but it is their decision to make and consequences to accept without choice.

Its MUCH easier to label and quickly judge someone whose lifestyle contradicts the fabric of your own. May I suggest moving past this anger/frustration and embrace learning about this other side of society so you may better understand why in the world your Significant Other is possibly cheating?

1. This industry has major online communities with discussion boards, legal advice, escort reviews and more. Here are some of them:

theeroticreview.com, bigdoggie.net, aspd.net, bestgfe.com, craigslist.org (heavily policed and used even more in more rural areas)

Register into these communities and read what's said. You'll also discover that some of these communities even coordinate social gatherings! I've been to some of them. People dressing business casual, meeting at a local restaurant or a hotel suite rented for the occassion. Everyone is expected to remain professional in demeanor and any inappropriate activity (including if someone is caught with drugs) is removed from the premise immediately. There are also tons of other websites and small online communities not indexed for SEO to protect privacy.

2. Cheating guys will do the following to attempt covering their tracks:

-remove small amounts of $ from the bank account until there is enough to *play*
-ATM withdrawls or buy gift cards of $150/$200/$250/$300/$350/$400 monthly
-has a written reference list of first names/phone #s on a small piece of paper
-has the escort's phone # under a relative or client's mobile phone book entry
-sets appointments typically around lunch time, before work or leaves early from work, when supposedly golfing, shopping or even before/after a doctor/dentist appointment
-text messages her to avoid phone calls (for discretion at the moment and to avoid detailed phone records)
-emails/IMs her with his work addy or has a private email addy his family wouldn't recognize

3. Why guys do it?
-doesn't have to worry about a mistress becoming attached/causing drama
-want to satisfy a higher sex drive than the wife
-has a fetish or sexual desire the wife won't partake in
-has a fetish or sexual desire his wife doesn't fulfill to his standards (I know...its downright shallow)
-has a fetish he THINKS his wife won't understand, welcome or accept so fears discussing
-he's really an open-marriage kind of person who married a closed-marriage person and happy with everything else in the marriage except being with only 1 person sexually
-some guys are "31 flavors" kind of men and go around meeting many escorts. Other guys desire finding 1 or 2 girls and sticking to them. The latter desires more the feeling of companionship rather than a blatent sexual act taking place
-Some guys strictly visit Massage parlors or FBSM independant providers who provide a full body massage with either a handjob, BJ (covered or not) or complete intercourse (typically covered)
-Single guys often hire escorts b/c they don't have time to deal with the dating scene, don't want to date anyone but desires temporary companionship or simply hooking up with someone w/o dealing with the "Meet at the bar/pay for dinner" games. They want someone who is confirmed to be good in bed (via listed reviews) and some guys also desire an escort they will have a mental connection with...all still knowing he won't have to worry with any attachment/drama.
-Men with wives who are mentally/physically/emotionally/sexually disabled also seek escort services
-Widowed men often seek escorts for companionship...literally
-men who are disabled and single also seek escort services

4. STDs/HIV
-One thing that shocked me over the 4 years doing this is the fact that MANY men (also married ones) try getting girls to have intercourse without ANY protection or partake in other sexual activities that are of a VERY HIGH sexual and personal health risk!!!
-If you THINK your man is cheating on you, GET TESTED! Make sure your Doctor runs the entire list of STD/HIV tests.
-In many states you can press criminal charges if someone passes HIV and/or "causitive agents of HIV" without your awareness prior to sexual activity taking place. See http://www.aclu.org/images/asset_upload_file292_35655.pdf for the most current list of state statutes.

5. What are some of the things married men ask for?
-I'm not sure its wise I list the biggest gripes/requests here. Please email privately.

6. When married guys get busted.
-If they're busted by police, they're typically issued a ticket and sent home. Sometimes, local police departments let the Media know about a prostitution sting taking place so the Media could possibly be there to video the people being busted. The police department posting the guys' photos & full names on the city website and/or local Media airing/writing about the bust is what causes more havic for the man b/c severely impacts his family in the community religiously, civic and even in the childrens' school/extra-curricular activity environment.
-One man I knew was busted by his wife when she was teaching her daughter how to use the Internet search engines as part of a school project. She googled his personal email addy and it pulled up about 30 reviews from Escorts.com. He said he made up fake reviews for free access to XXX photos. When he told me this, I said he either has a stupid wife or he completely insulted her as I highly doubt he'd marry a stupid woman. UGH!
-Another man I knew was busted by his wife of many years and paid dearly in their divorce. With the assistance of the wife's lawyer and accountant, she had their bank accounts audited and the husband had to pay her (as part of the divorce decree) all the money spent over the years for his escorting activities. It pretty much bankrupted him, but........she had a legit right to request it. The judge approved the decree and she moved on quite happy financially.

I sincerely hope this insight helps someone in a positive way and I am more than welcome to answer any questions of a positive, productive nature.

Kindly,
Formerly His.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

How LAME is a person who has to pay for sex anyway? HAHAHA. I'm sorry. If you have to pay to get some booty you are a pretty sad person, I don't care how wealthy, intelligent or attractive you are. You are a loser who has to pay someone to get you off. HAHAHAHA. That's punishment for being busted in itself:)


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

No merit is gained, except self-rightousness, by quickly judging a stranger's life choices b/c they contradict your own. That lifestyle is simply not your desired way to spend time with someone.

Prior to my involvement, I had a distorted and ignorant perception of people who participated in this industry. Don't get me wrong, there definitely are people with sexual, alcohol, drug and monetary addictions who do this, but these are not the only groups of men and women involved.

As I already stated, many men (of all ages) do it for vast reasons. Many single men (who don't want a relationship at the time being) would rather pay someone for companionship and intimacy to eliminate potential drama, attachments and time wasted. The reasons behind guys hiring escorts are similar to someone just looking for a casual affair. Having a business side to the matter typically ensures the guy won't be hassled after meeting, they know the person is skilled intimately and socially (prior to meeting) and they also know the escort will typically go above and beyond to ensure discretion always. Also, many guys desire sticking with 1 or 2 girls and develop friendships yet always respecting there is a business side to any time the pair meet for what's refered to as a "date."

Again, this concept of a no-strings-attached arrangement may conflict with someone else morally or spiritually, but its that person's choice to make and potential consequences to live with.

All the best,
Formerly His


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I'm not judging. I'm just saying you are a lame person if you have to pay for sex. I din't say hooking is wrong but the people who pay for the hookers are pathetic. Maybe it's because I'm female and have always had to BEAT the men off of me so I can't understand literally giving money to have them hound me. I just think you would have to be pretty hard up to dole out cash for sexual favors. I don't care how kinky you are....there are other kinky people in the world who will poop on your face for free. HAHAHAHAHA


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Yeah, but you risk the "Fatal Attraction" problem. Plus, no matter how attractive you, normal women may not always be able to be at your beck and call around the clock; You really think at any given time a guy can just leave his house and find an attractive non game playing woman to bang within an hour without having to do at least some things for her (buy her drinks first, small talk, etc). Yeah, guys that pay for sex may be lame, but not for the reason you think. They're actually probably 'smarter' than many cheating men. They know they could get it elsewhere, they just don't want to have to work for it or chance having to deal with a pyscho or someone who thinks they are falling in love.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Well regardless I can't see giving someone 200 bucks for a handjob. I think I'd just find a one nighter and then give her a false phone number and name. How hard is it to blow someone off? Gas is too expensive so my husband and I have had to cut back on our prostitute expenses;) I doubt they give coupons for that sort of thing and you sure as hell can't write it off on your taxes. HAHAHA. I'm sorry. It's just funny to me. I'm allowed to have my opinions and there you go.

Hubs and I are in really populaar local bands and take my advice....if you want to get sex learn to play guitar. Then you won't NEED a trick turner because all the opposite sex will be flinging themselves at you and they KNOW nothing will come of it because, Hey...you're a rockstar. You're SUPPOSED to love em' and leave em'. It's like the musician's code. LOL. I'm just kidding but in an honest way. Hub's toured with all kinds of famous musicians and I can say he got his wild hair out in his EARLY years on the road.

If I was the OP I'd go get checked for the clap and leave his nasty lame ass. Honey, if he is deployed all the time he's going to bring you back some Korean Ninja (and I'm not talking Jackie Chan here)and then you'll wish you'd looked more closely at the writing on the wall. He has ALREADY cheated the last few times he was gone and just didn't get busted till now. Sorry to be blunt but it's the truth. I hope things work out for the best.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Technical question for the escorts here - past and present.

A girl I grew up with worked as an escort for a few years, and it was something her mother bragged about to some of her friends. She said her daughter was merely being paid to "go out on dates" with these men (the girl was truly beautiful - easy to see why men would want to date her) but that she was "certainly not expected to provide sexual favors" -- just be a beautiful, charming, intelligent date for the evening. That she was an "escort" -- not a "prostitute" and that there was a big difference. Clearly, this is what Mom believed, since she was bragging to her friends about her daughter's glamorous part-time profession.

So my question is this -- Is there really a market for "escorts" who won't have sex with the men paying? Or was her mom simply naive?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hey Sweeby,

Good question. "Escort" is 99.999999% a term used to sugarcoat "prostitute". Other terms are "companion", "professional companion", "provider", "geisha" or "Courtesan".

Even though an escort's date will typically include some form of sexual favors, it is VERY possible for her to be requested for non-sexual events such as a companion to social events, weddings, etc. Some women in the industry truly are examples of a modern Geisha and conduct themselves in a professional, well-educated and appropriate manner. Its just the guy's job to figure out who has their head on straight and who is a loose cannon. If she worked with an agency who is well-known for providing a high-caliber type of lady then its feasible she was only hired as a public trophy on his arm for an evening. However, I doubt it ended there. Guys won't hire someone just to stand and look pretty. They want to know the *other* side of the person and will pay for it. If she was a high-end escort, the man probably could afford the added fees to discover her *intimate* side.

Just as society has social classes, there is the same within the escorting industry. On the very high end of the scale are ladies presumed (by men of course) unattainable in real life. This includes women who either are/were or could easily be Haute Courture/super models, Playboy centerfolds/models or very famous porn stars. These women are used as public trophies and also hired by men (who can afford the rate) to enjoy more personal encounters. The rates usually start at $1500/hour with a minimum of 2-4 hours required. The girl is more than likely part of an escort agency than working alone too.

This level of escorting is commonly reported in the media b/c its just unreal for everyone in social classes below the high-end Wealthy to ever consider paying this kind of money for a person to hang out and/or have sex.

Its NOT good that her mom tells friends...even if the daughter really isn't being utilized for sexual favors. The daughter probably, as I did for a long while, sugarcoated what her typical day was like. My family eventually learned what I was doing as I gradually opened up about some of the people I met and why they got involved (clients and escorts). My family knew to remain quiet about my activities and they weren't comfortable either, but there was reasoning behind my involvement and it was not to attempt living a distortedly-obtained glam life.

The high-end escorting really is a very glamorous lifestyle. I was more of an upper-middle class, but knew others who lived the glam life. The clients can easily pay $20k-$50k for a weekend in addition to the expenses for traveling the world, 5-star dining/hotel accommodations and lavish gifts given. You commonly see movies/tv shows about this end of the escorting world (Showtime's Diary of a Call Girl, etc.). However, this level of escorting is minut compared to the middle class of the escort world.

If your friend's mom still talks about her daughter's escorting days, I'd recommend she stop. Having this *work* in her past could affect her future if the wrong people know. Our society is unforgiving and many men of good, well-educated backgrounds are equally unforgiving b/c they risk their political and/or financial reputations being damaged/tarnished by the media and other conservative groups who may control their ability to advance in life.

If she is still single, she faces the reality of this type of men having to walk away b/c his family or political career can't afford to have her past disgracing them. It sounds elitest, but it is what it is.

Her mom could simply tell a friend and state it was legit and innocent what her daughter did, but people talk and the trail of words take on different forms, opinions and can return to sender in a humiliating and distorted way.

Hope this helps...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Formerlyhis

I don't want to come across as being "conservative" because I'm really not but I am a little confused. You mentioned that a escort could be judged by many good men that are well-educated and come from elite families...etc. etc. Did I miss something? Has hooking become accepted? The thing is I thought it's not just the elite that frown on hookin'. It's my understanding it's a pretty universally frowned upon profession period.
No matter how "glamorous" it is and not matter how much bread you make you are still sleeping with men for money.

It's not a job I'd be proud to tell grandma about and if you can't tell grandma, chances are, you shouldn't be doing it. Not to mention the countless marriages that prostitution wrecks on an annual basis. I understand a cheating man is going to cheat one way or another BUT I would be triple insulted if my husband cheated on me with a prostitute. It would be a public embarrassment.

I think to each their own and all that jazz but I hardly would consider escorting to be a glamorous job and it certainly doesn't contribute good things to society. If an escort gets busted she is treated no different then the crack whore who is standing on the corner giving BJ's for $15 bucks a pop. It is what it is. It isn't being elitest, it's having standards and most people have prostitutes on the the scum of the world list....right below drug dealers.

One of the highest insults in the woman kingdom is for someone to call you a hooker or a hoe. This isn't a coincidence. I realize you are retired and I don't mean to sound like I'm attacking you but I don't see how many ways escorting could be misinterperted or distorted like you suggested. Like you said, it is what it is and I'm not certain it would be entirely wrong for a mother to NOT want her son marrying one....retired or not. I wouldn't want my child to.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Thanks Formerlyhis, for your perspective and candid indulgence of my curiosity.

The events in question took place around 25 years ago, so whatever harm has been done has been long done. The mother has passed on a few years ago, and her daughter, my childhood friend, moved on. She worked for a high-end agency and married a man who could certainly have been a client. He was very wealthy and had been married more than a few times before. (Daughter told Mom she was wife #3 but confided in me she was really #5 -- Don't know why this didn't concern her, or if her view of the future simply didn't include 'marriage for life'. It was the 80's...) But Mom sure was proud of the rich hubby her daughter had landed and threw a large and lavish wedding. Butjust a few years later, he began beating her and filed for bankruptcy -- not anyone's version of a happy ending, sorry to say. I figure with Mom's definition of glamour and 'success', the daughter really didn't have a great chance to develop the kind of judgement that would have avoided that kind of trouble. I hear through the old neighborhood grapevine that she now lives very quietly in a small town with a 'nondescript but nice older man' -- and I wish her well. I suspect she's had more than her fair share of pain in her life.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Formerlyhis or any else who can off some advice.

Recently, I came across a charge on my credit card bill. The charge was for $69.99 for a membership to Fredericks of Hollywood. A friend of mine told me that the 'Duet' membership that Frederick's offers is actually a membership to a Escort Service. I called Fredericks about this charge and could not get any info. The Fredericks website just mentions discounts etc.

Does anyone know anything about this?

I have had reason to suspect my husband of infidelity. There have been missing Viagra when he has traveled on business trips and recently I found 3 Viagra in his desk drawer at work. I hid the prescription and just found out that he ordered more online even though we have 20 pills left.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I'd call the number on the site and ask again. This time act like you are interested in setting up escorts for yourself and your boyfriend on trips. If they are operating in a legal escort area, I would think they should just come out and tell you the perks.

If they're not into the escort service, I'd still be questioning why your husband is buying 'coupons' so to say for Frederick's stuff. Does he normally buy a lot from there for you?

The whole concept does seem fishy. What does...
"DUETS also offers Entertainment insider .... packages" mean? The whole thing is just ODD, IMHO.

Hopefully some guys (or escorts) can share some insider info. or know your answer.

Here is a link that might be useful: Do you DU-ET?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Thank you for responding Carla. I have called Fredericks and did not get any info. They will not talk to anyone unless they are already a member of duet.

I do not and my husband has not ordered me things from Fredericks in the past. Also, he has never liked or joined discount groups or bought memberships for discounts.

He tavels a lot. I do not think that he is having an affair. But, I would not put it past him to use an escort service. I will be confronting him soon and am just trying to get as much ammo as possible.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I found the below link about duets (it's a couple years old)... thought you may be interested. Of course it still sounds like your husband would have bought something from Fredericks that he didn't give to 'you'... which would probably tend to suggest an affair and not an escort, wouldn't you think?

Here is a link that might be useful: Duets Scam


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I know that no charges from Fredericks have showed up on his business or personal charge card. I have been been monitoring them online for the past 3 years. He has no idea that I figured out his password.

I also ran a credit check on him to see if he opened another credit card account. There were no new accounts.

He always carries around a lot of cash. That is why I am thinking Escort Service. He is home every night and often comes home early. He is in sales and spends a lot of time out of the office locally. 90% of the time that he travels out of town, I go with him.

I mentioned missing Viagra in my initial post. He reordered more even though we did not need it. What I did not mention is that he ordered 90 MORE. He only takes a half of one at a time). He had this whole spiel about what a great deal he got ordering that many. He also made a point to tell me I could count them and all 90 would be there. My point is that I found out online that when you order that many, you get 6 FREE.

He had them delivered to work. We have fought about missing viagra before and having them delivered to work. He promised to have them delivered to our home. He says he forgot to change the delivery address. (YEAH RIGHT!)


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Cinder52....this suspicion thing you've got going on will ruin both of your lives. Suggest laying the entire thing out with him. Get your answers, reach a fresh agreement about how things need to be and leave this behind. Even if everything's on the level, you're going to drive him away if you keep this up. Nobody can live together with this elephant in the house.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Ok, why would any sane man prefer to have his viagra sent to work? Wouldn't there be a risk of being embarrassed there? I don't know how viagra works; could he be taking it at work so when he comes home to you, he's ready?

It sounds to me like cinder has already layed everything out on the line with him, or at least tried too, but of course if he is cheating, he's probably not going to come clean. I'm sure he's more than aware of her suspicions.

One thing that I didn't read the first time was that the duets charge was on your credit card. It sounds like a credit card error. I would report it as such to your credit card company. Have you ordered anything from Victoria's? I'd call your credit card company tell them you don't remember the charge and see if they can provide you with more info... (the name of the person who charged it, etc)

Back to your husband, you're doing most things right but you made one mistake that most people make and that is you have made him aware that you are onto him. He knows that and will probably plan accordingly.. hence using cash instead of opening a new credit card, etc. I would seriously talk to a PI. You should be able to know once and for all what you are dealing with if anything.

You could seriously be jumping at conclusions, and he may just be hiding things from you so that he doesn't have to answer to you and he can have some control over his own life, so to say. I've seen men do it with controlling women.

You need to know once and for all if anything is going on so that you can proceed as necessary. Guessing and living in constant worry and accusation as you as doing will only create even more marriage problems. Call a PI.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I have gone the PI route. He went out of town and a half of viagra was missing. He did not know that I had been keeping track of them. The PI said that he went out, drank in a bar, but there were very few attractive female customers in this bar. He was in a small town. The PI said he flirted a bit with one lady, but he went to his hotel room alone. This cost me $500.

I still saw an attorney and planned on divorcing him. This was not the first time that Viagra was missing when he went out of town. I confronted him and he made up a story so ridiculous, I wont bother to share it.

Anyway, he begged me to stay, told me that he would never give me reason to doubt him yadda yadda yadda. Our marriage started to feel normal again. We have had a very happy 15 years together.

Last February he ordered 20 and had them delivered to his work. We had agreed the last time we fought about missing viagra, that he would have them delivered to our home.

Anyway, he ordered 20 even though we still had 8 tablets left. He only takes a half. Then he brought the prescription home and added the 8 we had left to it. The prescription bottle said 20. I knew we had 8. He did not know I was counting them. Well, we only had 25 in the bottle. Simple math - 3 viagra missing. I questioned him and he said that he counted them at work and some fell out of the bottle and he found them later on the floor and put them in his desk drawer. I made it very clear that I did not believe him. The next day he brought the missing tablets home and told me I could keep track of them. His idea not mine.

After that, my husband would ask me for a half of viagra when we wanted to have sex. Usually we would be out of town and partying. He would claim to have taken one, but yet we did not make love. Not only that I know how he is when he takes one and there were no signs. He rarely has sex with me even when I initiate it. So............I stopped giving it to him when he asked. I told him that the last 3 times the viagra was wasted because he drank too much. I said we should wait until we can both really enjoy it.

Even though he knew we still 20 viagra at home, he ordered 90. 90!!!!!!!! Up until now I have thought that he gets and occasional BJ at a mens club or calls and escort service. But 90 viagra makes me think he is having a full fledged affair or something. He makes a lot of money and he is very attractive for his age.

He said he got such a great deal at some online pharmacy. $275 for 90 Viagra. I have checked online prices and you can buy 90 for $169.99 and when you buy that many, you usually get six free. He made a big deal yesterday that he would bring the box home unopened. I am thinking he asked the pharmacy to put it in two boxes. I am waiting for it to come in. Then I will go to the site and check the pricing. If it does not match up, I will leave..........

He thinks I am making a big deal over nothing.

Thanks for listening,

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

This is nuts. If I were you, I'd leave him. I were him, I'd leave you.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"Up until now I have thought that he gets and occasional BJ at a mens club or calls and escort service."

And you were OK with this? (Simple question - no incredulous tone.)
The reason I ask is that we all have different tolerances for extramarital sexual activity. Some women won't even handle an oggle or flirtatious comment at a cocktail party; others can tolerate serial long-term affairs so long as they are discreet. Most women fall somewhere in between these two extremes, and if Hubby is possibly crossing over your line, you need to be very clear with yourself exactly where your line is.

If you're OK with an impersonal BJ at a strip club or from a paid escort, admit to yourself that this is something you can tolerate and don't let it wreck your marriage. If you're OK with it so long as it's rare -- again, figure it out and come to terms. If you can forgive a one-time error if he proves he's trustworthy thereafter -- that's OK too. Or if you can handle a series of 'meaningless' out-of-town one-nighters -- also your own decision.

But make your own decision. Examine your own values and decide what compromises you're willing to make for the sake of a 15-year for-the-most-part-happy marriage to a good-looking and financially successful man. I'm NOT suggesting you roll over and play doormat, or that you accept any kind of poor treatment for the sake of marital security. Just that YOU decide how much you're willing to compromise in this area and act accordingly.

However, it does sound like whatever it is he's doing, it's a habitual and deliberate thing rather than a one-time slip. Sounds like he plans to "get some action" on his out of town trips and that he's trying to hide it from you - but not really trying to stop it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Sweeby,

Thank you so much for the good advice. Infidelity of any kind crosses over my personal limits. I have never cheated in my life. It's a matter of my own personal integrity.

I realize that my husband is and has been unfaithful. I believe that I deserve better. If the past 12 years before all of this started, would not have been such happy years, I would not even hesitate to leave him.

He is 57 and I have been attributing his behavior to a mid-life crisis. I have been waiting for him to get through it and tried to be loving, supportive and even tried to spice up our sex life. He has no interest in me. But.....this last episode is too blatant (90 viagra!!) He has absolutely no respect for my feelings. I also feel that he is very sure that I would never leave him.

As far as I'm concerned, I have no choice. He has had enough chances. If he wants our marriage to survive, it will be up to him. He will have to admit to what he's done and be willing to go to counseling.

God, I hate saying this, but the fact is I am still in love with my husband. (I feel so incredibly stupid) That's what makes this such a difficult decision. If he is still in love with me, he will do what it takes to save our marriage. If he isn't still in love with me.....there no reason for me to stay.

I know that in the long run, whatever happens will the right thing for me and I will be fine.

Cinder



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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

That's very clear-headed thinking on your part, Cinder.
Your analysis and conclusions make perfect sense and fit perfectly into your stated value-system.
Of course, that doesn't make them any less painful or any easier to live by.
But overall, your last few sentences sum things up perfectly:

"If he is still in love with me, he will do what it takes to save our marriage. If he isn't still in love with me.....there no reason for me to stay.

I know that in the long run, whatever happens will the right thing for me and I will be fine.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Ok, let's stay calm for a second and take a breath. I'm not really all there that your husband is having an affair. You're all over the place with accusations but no real facts to support anything.

Ok, case in point, I really don't think that duets thing was anything more than an error on YOUR credit card. Did you ever figure that out?

You hired a detective for one night, and he did not cheat (although maybe he was not given the opportunity) but I would bet he could have called an escort if that were his normal way of fooling around. And, he didn't, right?

He orders way too much viagra and sort of, maybe, hides 3 of them from you. I'm really not 100% sure there's much more going on here than him maybe just being a horder of sorts. My mom has like 6 bottles of Calcium that will last her into 2020; she likes to stock up. Just be careful were you are going. If he knew you where on to him, which it sounds like he does, and he wanted to buy viagra without you knowing; I'm pretty sure he could do it.

I'm not saying signs aren't suggesting some infidelity, but you went from "I don't know" to "I know he's getting BJ's and maybe having a long term affair" in one post with nothing really happening in between.

Don't let suspicions get the best of you. And, "Love" is a word that doesn't mean much by itself. He could seriously love you the best that he knows how but still have a sexual addiction problem, or he could be totally indifferent to you, but not want to be alone or be embarrassed by a divorce. It's not always about love.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I hope you're doing all right Cinder --

There's one other thing that comes to my mind, and I've filed it under the heading of "The best advice my mother ever gave me" -- and that was:

"Don't let your pride stand in the way of your happiness."

Her advice was delivered under similar circumstances. I had just found out that shortly after proposing marriage to me, my new fiance had had a "goodbye encounter" with his former long-term lover. (He had ended a seven-year live-in relationship the week before we met.) I gave him a chance to come clean; he denied it; so I cancelled the wedding and threw the lying bum out into the street. The very day my parents flew 2,000 miles to my city to first meet my intended...

After crying my heart out to my mother and venting a huge pile of 'poison' about him (something I had never done before, even during my prior divorce), my mother commented on how deeply I must have loved him to be hurt so badly. Which started me crying about how wonderfully happy we had been and how kind and considerate he had been and how we were so comfortable together and how much we laughed and enjoyed each other's company... Well - That led to Mom's advice.

And I realized that the happiness had been real. That Hubby's good qualities were real, and were really important. And that he had screwed up badly and needed the s#!t scared out of him. So I left him to bunk with his mother for a month before agreeing to even talk with him again, but eventually took him back and have been HAPPILY married for fifteen years now. And we trust each other completely and have a wonderful marriage.

The whole point is that twelve happy years are nothing to be tossed away lightly -- not that I think you're making this decision lightly. Just that sometimes, you can have more happiness in your life if you sacrifice some pride and righteous indignation in exchange.

There's a point, of course, where the sacrifices are too big -- where the hurts are too egregious. But be sure it's the 'inner you' that's determining where that point really is -- not some arbitrary standard of 'how wrong is too wrong'.

It's a hard decision, and I wish you peace with it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Sweeby,

Thank you so much for your reply. Let me preface this post with there have been issues with trust from the very beginning of our marriage. I actually walked in on him getting a hand job....... He was very drunk and I forgave him. Another time, he was out of town. There was a family emergency. I called his room all night long and he was not there. He said the front desk must have been calling the wrong room. I could go on but, basically, I have been burying my head in the sand for many years. I love him, we have fun together and he treats me like a queen.

I hate the idea of giving up my marriage, but I feel as if he is just really pushing me and not respecting me. He has promised me 3 times that he will not order viagra and have it delivered to work. Well, he ordered it again, ordered 90 (when we still had plenty of viagra at home) and had it delivered to work. I know solmething is going on.... Not only that, he told me that last week he had a business dinner and went to a Men's club. He does not know that I know where he was. He ordered the viagra 3 weeks ago and has not brought it home. The price he paid for the viagra is enough to order 120 not 90.

My feelings are obviously very unimportant to him. I am hurt and angry. I do not trust him and have very little respect for him and quite honestly I don't love him as much as I used to. I am trying to financially and mentally get prepared to leave him. I want him to be honest with me and admit what he has been doing. If he can't do that then our marriage can not be repaired. I need the truth. We need counseling.

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Sweeby,

Thank you so much for your reply. Let me preface this post with there have been issues with trust from the very beginning of our marriage. I actually walked in on him getting a hand job....... He was very drunk and I forgave him. Another time, he was out of town. There was a family emergency. I called his room all night long and he was not there. He said the front desk must have been calling the wrong room. I could go on but, basically, I have been burying my head in the sand for many years. I love him, we have fun together and he treats me like a queen.

I hate the idea of giving up my marriage, but I feel as if he is just really pushing me and not respecting me. He has promised me 3 times that he will not order viagra and have it delivered to work. Well, he ordered it again, ordered 90 (when we still had plenty of viagra at home) and had it delivered to work. I know solmething is going on.... Not only that, he told me that last week he had a business dinner and went to a Men's club. He does not know that I know where he was. He ordered the viagra 3 weeks ago and has not brought it home. The price he paid for the viagra is enough to order 120 not 90.

My feelings are obviously very unimportant to him. I am hurt and angry. I do not trust him and have very little respect for him and quite honestly I don't love him as much as I used to. I am trying to financially and mentally get prepared to leave him. I want him to be honest with me and admit what he has been doing. If he can't do that then our marriage can not be repaired. I need the truth. We need counseling.

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"I want him to be honest with me and admit what he has been doing. If he can't do that then our marriage can not be repaired. I need the truth."

He's scared that if he admits it, you will leave him, and figures that if there's a chance he can plant 'reasonable doubt' that his odds are better. It sounds like he's really sorry.
Sorry he got caught, that is...

From what you've written, it sounds like you believe on some level that by 'coming clean' he (or your relationship) will somehow be 'cleansed'. That with verbal honesty comes behavioral integrity. Common belief -- But is there really anything to it?

You've got too many facts to believe a lie.
There's simply too much objective evidence against him.
And it's not a one-time thing.

Your guy has proved that he's a habitual cheater, and anything short of admitting that he has a sex addiction (if that's at all what it is) and getting into treatment wouldn't make much of a dent, I'm afraid...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Sweeby,

Thank you for your reply. This sight has been good for me. I need a place to vent. I have prayed every day for clarity and sorry to say each day, the facts point to leaving. I need to be emotionally ready to leave. I have been mentally detaching myself from him.

Finances are another matter. He has become more and more controlling with money. Next week he has a very large check coming in. I plan on taking most of that. I already have two places to go. I will keep in touch.

Thank you for saying what I need to hear.....

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"He has become more and more controlling with money. Next week he has a very large check coming in. I plan on taking most of that."

Good luck with that!
Sorry to say this, but I suspect his heightened financial control may be his response to your emotional pulling away. He may think (subconsciously or consciously) that by depriving you of financial resources, he'll be able to keep you from leaving him. Lots of men think that way...

Just make sure you have that contingency covered.
Your attorney will know how to acces the money ;-)


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Just a quick update...

I left my husband yesterday. I am in another state staying with my best friend.

I called my husband to let him know that I left him. We were having a factory rep over for dinner that night and I did not want to put my husband in an embarrasing position, so I thought I would warn him. These were my husbands concerns:
What am I going to tell the factory rep?
What am I going to tell our friends?
Who's going to take care of the dog when I go out of town next week?
Where did you get the money to leave?

He said I was stupid for leaving over such a silly thing like him ordering viagra. He said he would give it all to the factory rep. I told him I threw all of it away.

He never said:
I love you.
What can I do to work things out.
Please come home.........

So I guess it's really over. I have not heard from him since. My attorney is filing for a legal separation.

The amazing thing is while I am hurt and worried to a certain extent. I am really doing reasonably well. It's better to leave now than waste more time being in a relationship with a liar and cheater.

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Can I ask, why did you decide to file for a legal separation instead of a divorce? I thought most attorneys generally advise against that (as separations really don't do/mean much). Are you hoping for a resolution still? Are you going to try counseling, or is it over and done with? Just wondering...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Good for you Cinder --

And his questions reflect an astonishing degree of self-centeredness and a pretty shallow viewpoint.

Carla - The legal separation thing probably varies by state. I had NO intention of even considering a reconcilliation with my Ex, but my lawyer advised a separation agreement. I think it was just a 'quick and easy' way to formalize how things would work between 'now' and 'divorced'.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

That's odd, sweeby, there are numerous lawyers in my family, I used to work in a law office and one of my friends even specializes in family law. I didn't think it varies by state, most every lawyer I know says legal separations are just a huge waste of time and money. Either you want the marriage to end or you don't.

I know there sometimes are some exceptions... if there are health problems where insurance needs to continue on, if your spouse is in the military and waiting for that 10 year mark, or if your religion is against divorce, etc... but filing for a separation usually provides for no benefit to someone who seriously wants to end their marriage.

I don't know why your lawyer told you that... maybe they were trying to get you to have to pay for both a legal separation and a divorce, or maybe they thought you would change your mind. It just sounds odd.. Does eveyone in your state file for legal separation first? Just wondered if Cinder was hoping maybe for a reconciliation or if she did have health/insurance concerns or other matters that factored into a separation over a divorce. I would think putting yourself in that limbo would be an even bigger torture. Either end it or commit to try to make it work.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

It was an 'interim' agreement of some kind, perhaps not a "Legal Separation" technically. It just specified that he would move out, that DS would live with me in the house, that I would allow visitation on certain days and times, that he would contribute $X toward household expenses, and that neither one of us would do anything to the other marital assets. I doubt my attorney was trying to run up the bill, as my total bill was under $1,000!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Good for you Cinder. I know it is painful but think you did the right thing. He still doesn't seem to accepting any responsibility for his actions..I admire you, moving on with your life.

~Cat


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I was filing for a legal separation to freeze our assets. And also because I thought there was a slight chance of reconciliation. Nothing is going to happen now because my home is south of Houston and the hurricane is about to hit.

My husband has not called me since the day I called him from the airport. I am guessing that he does not want to reconcile. When my attorney is back, I will file for divorce.

I am doing ok with everything except worried about the hurricane. My husband has decided to stay in our house and ride the storm out. Our city is voluntary evacuation. He should be ok, but I am still kind of worried. I don't want to stay married to him, but I still care what happens to him.

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hang in there Cinder --
We're in Houston too (central), so I'll cross my fingers for the both of us!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Cinder,

I have to say that I kinda thought your filing for a 'separation' was maybe more of a last ditch effort to try to wake up your husband and that maybe you were still hoping for a reconciliation.

I know others, maybe even you, may not agree with me, but I think you still love him and I think you still want to stay married to him. I think you are mad at him, don't trust him, and want him to come 'clean' for things you think he may be doing. I think this circle of doubt and mistrust may actually be causing your current problems. I'm generally not always into counseling, but I sincerely think your relationship may benefit from some. Don't confuse clarity with your stubborness or even your mistrust. It sounds as if you deeply love him; don't think you have to leave just to make your point. You came here originally with talk about a charge on your credit card that seemed to escalate into a lot more and old stuff got dug up. Just be sure you aren't creating problems because of a past history. A good counselor may be able to give you guys both a new start and a new way to look at your lives together. I don't want to appear to condone cheaters or even suggest you stay with one; I just think there's probably a lot more going on here than we all know about and I'm not sure we're really seeing the truth. I think your emotions are clouding it heavily.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I have told my husband that in order for us to stay together, he needs to be totally honest with me and go to counseling. Yes, I would love for my marriage to survive, but any marriage needs honesty, respect and integrity. I still love my husband, but not as much as I used to.

The reason I asked about the Fredericks charge on our charge card, was because I called Fredericks to ask about it and they said that my husband made the charge and would not give me any information about what it was. This charge appeared at the same time as the charge for viagra. I did call the Visa and dispute the charge. It was credited to our account.

I finally called my husband earlier today because of the hurricane. Several friends and neighbors called my cell phone because my husband was not answering our home phone or cell phone. He was very cold to me. I just told him to stay safe and keep in touch to let me know how everything is going. I not only worry about him, but my dog and my house.

I sent him and email yesterday explaining how I felt and asking him to be honest with me and go to counseling. He claimed he never received it. I sent it again and have not heard from him.

I don't think that he wants to be married to me.

Thanks for listening,

Cinder


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

It does sound like maybe he doesn't want to be married to you. Do you have any idea why?

Do you think he even wants to work on the marriage? Right now, personally, I would drop the "be honest with me" part. You generally can't beg or barter for that kind of stuff. It's either something he's going to do or not. And, I would bet you both know that the truth especially right now (via email during a hurricane) is probably not going to help anything.

I think if you would focus on trying to get him to go to counseling instead of insisting he admit to something he's obviously not ready or willing to admit to, you'll stand a better chance of saving your marriage in the long run. Can you let him come clean at his own pace? Is there a chance there is nothing current he has to come clean about and you are literally driving him away with your current accusations? If he truly were innocent now, don't you think your actions would be cause enough for him to not want to be married to you?

I still don't understand the credit card thing. Did they actually give your husband's name as the signee or just say it was a guy? Why was he allowed to sign on your card -is he a complete idiot? And, why would they agree to take off the charge if your husband did charge on it? Are you are still insinuating that he did something wrong on this card or not? I think it's stuff like this that you may be jumping at the wrong conclusions on that may just be driving your husband away from you.

When you can talk to him face to face, I'd tell him you still love him, but don't trust him. You don't want to live in a marriage without trust but you would be willing to give counseling a try to see if the trust can be rebuilt. See what he says... don't necessarily point to him as the sole problem of the mistrust. It' something you would both have to work and compromise on, even if he was the original cause of the problem.

And, I say this time and time again, counting pills or smelling for perfume on collars is not going to get you anywhere. Try a PI again. Yes, waste some more money... it's still cheaper than a divorce and could give you some real closer. You're more likely to get some real info rather than trying to interpret tidbits when you can't really be objective because of your emotions.

I think it's fine if you really know that he is cheating and you really believe it and are fine with leaving him... but I just don't think you're at that point yet. You're still reaching for hope... Oh, and not to throw a monkey wrench into everything, but have you considered he is having a long term love affair, and not just seeing escorts or having one night stands?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Look people, most of these postings are from women who don't have a real understanding of men. As a man, here is our prospective. ALL MEN CHEAT. Those that haven't just haven't had the opportunity or can't afford an escort or build up the courage to do it. For those women who say "not my husband," you just haven't caught him yet. Women cheat too, just not as often as men. For men, there is a difference between love and sex. I love my partner, but I still crave sex with others. For all those women who have let themselves go physically, your man might say that he loves you just the way you are, but that's what he has to say. Deep inside he still wants a young fit woman, hence the escorts. 90% of escort clients are married men. One solution to all this, become swingers.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"As a man, here is our prospective. ALL MEN CHEAT."

Do you feel better about yourself now?
So you're not the only low-life -- everyone else is just as unprincipled?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Well given that logic, All women cheat too... don't fool yourself...we don't dig your pot bellies or receding hairline either, and we lie to you too. By the way, many escorts are not as attractive as the men's wives or girlfriends so I think your "we like young fit women" isn't the real answer...Just look at the stats even about mistresses (who are more often than not less attractive then the wife) or take Hugh Grant for example.. If you're going to cheat, now be honest, it really doesn't matter.

Human's crave something, someone different. If you've studied human sexuality, you'd understand why this is.

Women 'crave' sex with others too

In the words of a Ray Parker, Jr. song...
So when you think you're foolin' her
She just might be foolin' you
Remember if you can do it
She can too

Women, in the past, just weren't given as much opportunity as men. But, as we have entered into the work force, and been able to pay to have others help raise our children, we are now finding more opportunity too. Given the same opportunities, I have no doubt that women wouldn't cheat just as much as men... so if you're factoring in lack of opportunity, you'd have to say EVERYONE -- MEN AND WOMEN CHEAT with your logic, right? Come on why only give it to the guys? You know we're smarter, can hide it better, and aren't dumb enough to admit to it as much on surveys, right? We even have you fooled into thinking that you are dogs of the race... the laughs on you...

We are all human and all have biological urges (unless we're sick in some way). Some people really are able to control their urges more than others, and those that can't control them often can't comprehend those that can.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Well,
there is a variety of opinions here. From what I have read most of the postings are from women. Some of you ladies have an open mind and some of you just don't.
Some consider masterbateing cheating, or watching porn or even haveing a sexy thought about another person cheating on your spouse.
Keeping an open mind to new ideas and experiences even in the bedroom can take a person to new levels of experience never imagined.
yes I am a guy, and yes I am a married guy. Even more I am a married older guy who has, called even seen an escort or two. No, I have not talked to my wife about it and no I have not gotten any STD's. What I have gotten is a great time and a satisfying experience from my encounters.
I am extremely happy with my wife, and marriage of 20 years. To be honest with you, I need to experience others. There are things that my wife can't do. I don't what to die without experiencing them.
do you prudes really think that the porn industry is supported by single guys in their 20's? how about the strip club down the road? don't forget about all the internet porn which has single handedly improved video streaming technology because the money is there to support it.
There is something to what everyone is saying but what no one has said is keep an open mind and men will seek out what pleasures them, that is why it is called the world's oldest profession..


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Could you please share... what can't your wife do that these other women can? It is something to do with being double jointed? Or, more along the lines of giving you a genital wart?

Seriously, let's say your wife was the most beautiful woman ever and she did everything you could imagine, would you still seek out other women or not?

I bet yes...It's all about the numbers, the variety. It's not because your wife won't do something; so don't go there and try to put it on her. Maybe you even like it that it's wrong and obviously you don't have to deal with any commitment, no? Could that be a big part of it?

By the way, dumb idea admitting to your ho@kers online. You put it in writing? You don't think your wife can read your history? See, if you were a women this mistake would never have happened. Quick, change your name.

I can't imagine how you can say you love someone and still imply this kind of thing is just the way it is. I'm not going to argue numbers with you. But, I know for 100% fact that not all men cheat on their wives. Why are you in the bunch that does... my guess... insecurity... I'm not being mean, I have a lot of male friends and aside from a wife that won't sleep with them or some other real issue... it really does seem to generally boil down to how secure a man is with himself and his sexuality. It's not about how young or hot his wife looks or if she agrees to do 'naughty' things, it about how secure a guy is inside.

But I really am serious, I would think I've seen it all but maybe I haven't, please, please do share, what do these women do that wives won't?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

You are obviously NOT extremely happy with your marriage of 20 years, if you were you would not be seeking the company of others. Be honest with yourself and your wife. She doesn't deserve to be disrespected.

By the way, not ALL men cheat.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hi there,
Still new here, however I did reply but something happened and it did not post.
Ok, so to put in all into perspective, you all have preconceived perceptions as to what men, escorts and maybe even what wives do in the bedroom. I can only speak for myself and my own situation, and what I know from talking to other guys.
to answer your questions in order,
____________
what can't your wife do that these other women can?

For a couple of reasons, Because she isn't comfortable putting her mouth in places, no matter how clean they are. She is not really that interested in having sex and so she isn't good at doing anything imaginative in the bedroom. I have tried to spice up our love life with no success. I have found that I have a over active sex drive, when I dont get the opportunity for 5 or 6 weeks there is frustrating, even irritating when I try to talk about it and all I get is apologies.
It is something to do with being double jointed? Or, more along the lines of giving you a genital wart?
Most escorts are extremely clean and mindful of STD's after all its their business if they are not clean no repeat customers. and personally, I have walked out before doing anything with an escort no foul, it was just not right and I left. The women I have seen are a little younger and flexible than my wife yes, but always clean and I always ask "have you had a positive test for STD's in the past month?"
Most of the time escorts are beautiful women that A)love sex a lot and are good at it B) need money quickly and don't have another method to get it.
However, yes you are right way you say it is partly because I crave the variety, and the different experiences that are out there. Also that I don't want or need the extra baggage of having an affair. I don't mean to be crass but this way for a few hundred bucks I can feed my addiction to sex and not have the relationship that can hurt everyone so much.
as far as writing about it, no one knows who I and I know my wife wont see this. I don't talk about it at all and I dont write much about it so why not.
I really have to disagree, I AM HAPPY WITH MY MARRIAGE or I would not stay in it. Sex is one big area that I am not satisfied with in it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I think calling them "escorts" is humerous. Does it make you feel less slimy to call them escorts rather than prostitutes, hookers, or other? You are violating your marriage contract - plain and simple. You promised, and broke your promise. Repeatedly.

I think you're kidding yourself and making it work so that it makes sense and justifies it for you. You think (most) of those "beautiful escorts" are in that line of work because they love sex? Right - I've got a bridge to sell you. Or they need money and have no other way to get it? Gee - Dunkin' Donuts is hiring. And, at least there, the workers get to keep some measure of self esteem.

You, sir, are deluding yourself and betraying your wife. If you really think you're not, try telling your wife about it and see how it makes her feel. I venture to say it would destroy her? Is that worth getting your rocks off for?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I call them "escorts" because that is what they like to be called. They too are people as well.
I am not kidding myself, and I am not trying to justify it to myself.
thanks for the news flash suzieque, but your wrong when you say that I am deluding myself. I am and have made contious decisions about what I am doing. I never said I was right or that my wife would agree with it. I do it pretty much becuase I can, and I like it so I keep doing it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

chazlie, in your post above you stated that the reason you pursue the behavior in question is, "I can feed my addiction to sex".

The following is an excerpt from Wikipedia with a link below if anyone is interested in reading the entire article:

"Epidemiology
Sexual addiction is hypothesized to be (but is not always) associated with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Narcissistic personality disorder,[19][20] and manic-depression.[21] There are those who suffer from more than one condition simultaneously (known as a dual diagnosis or a co-occurring disorder), but traits of addiction are often confused with those of these disorders, often due to most clinicians not being adequately trained in diagnosis and characteristics of addictions, and many clinicians tending to avoid use of the diagnosis at all.[3][22][23]

Specialists in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and addictions use the same terms to refer to different symptoms. In addictions, obsession is progressive and pervasive, and develops along with denial; the person usually does not see themselves as preoccupied, and simultaneously makes excuses, justifies and blames. Compulsion is present only while the addict is physically dependent on the activity for physiological stasis. Constant repetition of the activity creates a chemically dependent state. If the addict acts out when not in this state, it is seen as being spurred by the obsession only. Some addicts do have OCD as well as addiction, and the symptoms will interact.[22]

Addicts often display narcissistic traits, which often clear as sobriety is achieved. Others do exhibit the full personality disorder even after successful addiction treatment.[19]"

What would happen if you could not afford to pay for escorts and could not obtain a willing partner?

Here is a link that might be useful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

chazlie, I meant that you are deluding yourself if you think that the women love sex or just need quick money. I'm sure that you're just fine with all of this and have made what you think are rational decisions.

Interesting that you are sensitive to the "other women" ("I call them escorts because that's what they like to be called") but not so to your wife ("I never said that my wife would agree with it"). (And by the way, of COURSE they want to be called escorts instead of prostitutes or hookers or other. Sheesh. Are you daft?)

You say you do it because you can. That's just beautiful. I'll bet your wife could do similar things. Would that be Ok? Doesn't matter - you've got this all worked out and wrapped up and are happy with it and with yourself. You are a gem, for sure.

My best wishes to your wife.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

And I think you will have plenty of time , Chazlie, to think about the baggage of affairs, few hundred bucks a month spent on escorts, how uninterested your exwife was in the bedroom(hint... YOU)laying on your futon in your basement apartment after your wife catches you and cleans you out...Which will in most probability what will be happening...Just because your wife doesnt want to get busy with you doesnt make her stupid.....


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

alot of married men use escort agencies, espically in manchester escorts are very in demand, i think that most men dont want to break up a marriage that they are happy in, but do need satisfing and an escort is perfect for this.
i know its not morally right, but it does show that he still wants his life to be spent with you and your child.

Here is a link that might be useful: Manchester and Leeds Escorts Agency


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I feel so sorry for Chazlie's wife in many ways. One of which is he may have given her an STD and she's doesn't know it (yet). What a lovely gift to give someone you truly love. You say that you ask the escorts if they are clean, they say "yes". How do you know they are telling the truth. They will tell you anything you want to hear. All they are interested in is your money, not you.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Robyn, I can't believe you mean what you posted. What if your husband did that. Maybe you are of another culture or you are glad your husband is not "bothering" you so often.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Star, Robyn is an escort, drumming up business(or so she wishes)...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Geeze,
You ladies seem pretty closed minded.
You assume all escorts have STD's
You may be right that I have OCD, but if I do, I've been manageing it well over past 40 plus years. My parents were alcoholics, that was dangerous to themselves and others around them but that is socially acceptable.
You think that I am fooling myself in many ways but I am aware of the risks and the dangers. Your incorrect, I have tried to curb my urges but sometimes a person comes around that I don't want to miss the opportunity.
I have a question for you, if your husband told you that you stink in bed what would you do about it?
After trying many ideas unsuccessfully what would you do then? Would you be open to seeing other couples in a swinging situation, would you want your husband to shut up and go masturbate in the corner? Or just ignore it all together?
My wife and I have tried many different ideas but not swinging, she is not interested in sex that much. I know this. There are also plenty of postings here from women that dont enjoy sex but try to participate it in it for their husband only. When was the last time you had fun with any activity that you really enjoyed (like shopping) that your spouse didnt like at all. Isnt it more fun to do the things you like with others that like to do it too?
Sex is no different.
What would your solution be?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Aha - I think we've got it now. His wife told him he stinks in bed (no wonder she's not that interested in sex). The hookers ... excuse me, the escorts, tell him he's great.

I see the addiction now.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

thanks i didn't know that.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Yeah,
your really a know it all - NOT
your reply doesn't even deserve a comment. Try to answer the questions instead of judgeing incorrectly.

I forgot to say thanks to Robyn for her input.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazlie - As we know, intimacy and sex are an important part of marriage. You have said in another post that you are extremely happy being married to your wife. Doesn't the lack of both sex and intimacy filter into other areas of your marriage? Do you resent her? Have either or both of you tried counseling?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazlie: I am curious... if you discovered that your wife use's male "escorts" and has throughout your marriage...would you be OK with that? It's not like you are not ready and able to be intimate with her, but that she just wants variety, and although she is very happily married, sexually she is attracted to other men. She doesn't want a divorce, she just has some needs she needs met by someone other than you, or she gets irritable. Oh, and she has zero interest in the swinging you proposed. Not her thing.

So you would be okay with this??? Because you are an open minded guy, right?

Robyn...you would feel okay if your darling husband did the same......right???

Because you are both so open minded and all. And it's not like it's an affair with all the complications...so it's okay by you two...right???


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P.S. In addition to last post

And for what it's worth I cannot imagine how you can have a healthy marriage or honest and healthy relationships, while doing what you are doing. There is this whole other side of you and your life, that exists, and yet is something you know must be kept hidden and secret, from the person you claim to love.

They say that we are at our most brilliant, as we deceive ourselves, and justify that which cannot be justified. Or that, which we know is wrong.


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In addition to the addition :)

And last, Chazie (and Robyn) if you discover that your wife (or darling husband Robyn) had been seeing "escorts" throughout your marriage, would it change how you felt about her (or him) and change how you thought about them, and who you believed them to be?

And last, for the sake of discussion...would it make a difference about whether you were okay with your spouse using "escorts" if she (or he) were honest about it up front, explaining that they were happy in their marriage to you, but that this filled another need within them, that had nothing to do with you.

So would you be okay with a woman (or man Robyn) that was honest with you up front, but needed something that they wanted from someone other than you? They loved you and all...and wanted to stay married to you....but there is this other side to them...................

Just for the sake of discussion, and enlightenment of those on the board who you don't think get it, could you talk about your thoughts on my last 3 posts?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

If the OP's DW is aware of the situation then I would think that they are both engaged in an alternative life style and it is acceptable to them. If the is not aware, then it is an unhealthy marriage because it lacks consent from her. The OP would be wrong to continue on as he does as his DW should be given the right of choice. Without consent from the spouse the OP's behavior is both negligent and abusive. Also, grounds for divorce.

The OP's relationship with escorts is contractual and not personal. Please note that it is illegal unless in Nevada.

There are many different kinds of marriages. What may be acceptable to one couple could be offensive to another even within what may seem the "normal" range.

I would prefer not to judge the OP's marriage if the DW consented although I would find it offensive myself.

My opinion and not my judgment is that the OP lacks integrity and tend to feel that because of the lack of it that the flaw would permeate other aspects of character as well.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching"......


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Good day everyone,
I guess I have some more questions to reply to.
There is a gap in our intimacy but apparently it is only with me. I have not said I don't get intemate with my wife, I said I see escorts to help feed my sex drive. So, not the lack of intimacy does not filter into other aspects of my marriage.
I may resent her only for the failed attempts to liven up our sex life with, toys, movies oils, different positions, books, all with no success. We are intimate in other ways that seem to work for her. For me I still feel I need to fulfill my animal lust, which is why I do this.
For me and most men, there is a difference between just having sex and making love, but it is a little difference. In my opinion it is a bigger difference for women.
So, Bnicebekind actually yes I would be ok with my wife seeing an escort. This could open the door to another chapter of possibly being swingers, going to strip clubs sharing our experiences. It is a 2 way street. I am sorry you have a limited imagination, youre missing allot.
Tenderchichi - you must be in the legal profession or at least you type like it. I appreciate that you don't agree with what I am doing but you don't judge, thank you. I "OP" do have a lot of integrity, just in this one area of my life I consider it to be selfish. I really want to experience sex for all this world has to offer and this is the only way I can accomplish this. But to what end or what cost? I don't know, I feel that I am careful and participate in moderation.
In my opinion society has many faults, and making escorts, non addictive drugs like marijuana Illegal (I gave this up 15 years ago) makes people seek them out even more. Part of me is still a rebel, maybe this is how I express this side of myself. Psychologically, I dont rationalize my behavior.
I really logged in to see if suzique has answered the challenge of answering my questions, I guess shes busy.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

You know what's really funny is I totally don't think your wife is satisfied either. I'm like shaking my head going... you just don't get it... You totally think men are one way, and women are another...but I think they really aren't all that different.

Your comments about "There is a gap in our intimacy but apparently it is only with me.... We are intimate in other ways that seem to work for her"... I'm like, yeah..... She's probably banging a guy from work and couldn't care less about satisfying you. You assume she doesn't need or want as much sex as you, what if she is just getting it elsewhere? I know, I know, you would be happy about it... but what if she's just cheating on you and doesn't want any open swinger life with you and prefers to be satisfied by another man? Would it bother you if she really just preferred someone else, and used him for her sexual fantasies and you were just the guy who paid the bills and she never let you in on it one way or the other?

Like someone said, it's one thing if you agree to an open marriage... but if she has been cheating on you (and not saitsfying you because of it) all this time, would you really be ok with that... with the dishonesty behind it?

And, maybe she's not cheating, but I highly doubt your wife is happy with you... and I think deep down you know and sense that, and you look elsewhere because you need to feel better about yourself and think sleeping with other women may help or maybe even get back at your wife a little. Many of us have probably cheated (even if it was just a kiss in high school when our BF was out of town), we know what goes into it. It's not all sexual no matter what you try to say. You've got an emotional void you need filled too. 'Cause, Hey, deep deep down, you gotta know...If you wife thought you were all that, she'd being wanting to please you in bed... and that's probably got to bug you that she doesn't....


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I would suppose that most married men would like to engage in extramarital sex as the urge to do so is built into the species. However, most men do not. Some of which may have an affair, ending it when it starts to threaten their marriage.

I do not want to make an extreme comparison but am going to put forth one to make a point:

As we all know, sharks are very dangerous predators. There are only a few creatures on earth that can match their "passion" for killing and when the blood of their prey surrounds them they enter into a feeding frenzy.

However, they usually do not target humans and will not go out of their way to find humans and eat us. Occasionally, though, a "rogue" shark will crop up. The "rogue" eats people. The reason, it is thought, is that the "rogue" was hungry when people were around. He ate one and found out how tasty we are. And, easy to catch. As a result, the "rogue", who probably would never have eaten people learned to do so unlike the rest of his kind. "As a shark thinketh, so shall he be."

The moral, the "rogue" got into the habit of feeding on something that all the rest of his kind would avoid.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hi Chazlie - you're right; I am busy and getting back to you really isn't at the top of my priority list. Frankly, I thought you might not be around here much; I figured you'd gone off to meet Robyn - :-)

I will try to answer your questions:

>> I have a question for you, if your husband told you that you stink in bed what would you do about it?

I would ask HIM how I could do better, and for specifics. In other words, did he mean I rush too much, that I don't seem to mentally be there, that I don't touch him in the way that he'd like, or what? I'd have a serious conversation (or more) with him, ensuring him that his enjoyment is as important to me as my own is. In fact, a good part of my enjoyment is seeing that what I do pleases him.

>> After trying many ideas unsuccessfully what would you do then? Would you be open to seeing other couples in a swinging situation, would you want your husband to shut up and go masturbate in the corner? Or just ignore it all together?

None of the above. Swinging is distasteful to me. I would not take any pleasure in my husband being intimate with another woman nor would I find pleasure in another man being intimate with me. I made a promise to my husband when I married him, and I intend to keep that promise.

What would I do? I'd explore our whole relationship and see what modifcations to it might help. It's not all about the act. My pleasure starts with wanting my husband. If I don't want him or feel attracted to him, absolutely nothing he did in bed would make it good for me. However, if the rest of the relationship is positive, if he and I do little (non-sexual) things that show we value the other, etc., that is the sexiest thing in the world.

Suzieque


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazie- But what if she was seeing the escorts simply because it filled a need within her? That again, it had nothing to do with you, or her marriage, and would NEVER lead to swinging, or going to strip clubs, or viewing movies, etc. That she had ZERO interest in participating in any of that, she just wanted to do it her way, with another man. Period. She still loved you and wanted to be married to you, just not into any of those things that you are drawn to.

Would you, in your open way of thinking, be okay with your wife doing this???

See, you mentioned you would be okay with it, because you saw it as a way to benefit you somehow...as in it would help her to be open to swinging with you, or going to strip clubs together, and watching movies, etc. It was still about you. What if it was only about her, and meeting some need she had that had nothing to do with you, and would never benefit you?

Would you still be okay with your wife doing such a thing?

I am just asking because I have heard men call in on some radio talk show and talk about doing what you are doing, and mentioning that they thought it was fine, with a wife at home. I have always wanted to ask these guys if it was fine for their wife's to do the same.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazie: By the way, I am only asking hypothetical question's, simply to help those opposed to your choices, to hear your reasoning.

I do not in any way imagine your wife is interested in any such thing, I just wondered for all those into the oldest profession, if they were as open minded when it came to their wife...or women into this profession, were they agreeable to their husbands doing the same thing.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hi ya folks,
this is quite the hypothetical thread we are having here. Carla, your being a little harsh don't you think? I get it, but only some men and some women are that way. My wife works with disabled people, so, no she's not boinking any of the ladies she works with. There are no assumptions being made either only the truth.
suzique, thanks for answering the questions, my wife and I have been there, done that. She has told me that she is not interested in sex, it is not a priority for her and she can't understand why it is a big deal for me. you Besides remember my wife and I have been married for alomst 20 years. we never have had a good sex life. This is not without trying, on my part anyway.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Most women cannot understand men. Sex is the medium by which men make attachment to a women. Women need to feel connected and attached before they commit to sex. The end result is attachment takes place. There are many different styles and approaches but the end result is the same. A relationship between two people is born and intimacy, love, connection, committment is formed. If all goes well, the relationship sustains.

The instant matter is not the same. The OP is not interested in making attachment/connection with another women. The OP is not coming from the same place. It seems "odd" and it is. Just because you would feel guilt does not mean the OP does. You can't shake him up by drawing attention to moral issues.

My feeling (just as mentioned in the article on sex addiction) is that the OP may have a personality disorder.

The quote below, link to article at bottom of page: "Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity
The Somatic and the Cerebral Narcissist"/Dr. Sam Vaknin

For all of the women who have fell under the spell of an individual who hurt them and treated them like an object and then discarded them, this might be a good article to read.


"Sex for the narcissist is an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's arsenal he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) he resorts to sex."

When you ask why would someone be like that? The answer is because they can. It is not about having a good or bad wife or uncomfortable life circumstances.

It brings to mind the story of the Scorpion and the Turtle:

"Once a turtle and a scorpion found themselves stranded on the side of a rising river. The turtle was going to cross the river before the current became too strong. The scorpion asked whether he could ride the turtles back across the river. The turtle rightly answered NO!

The scorpion said, "Look, why would I sting you? I will be on your back and if I sting you and you drown, I will drown with you. I dont want to die so trust me I wont sting you." The turtle thought, yes why would he sting me and kill himself so the turtle agreed and allowed the scorpion to climb onto his back.

Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the turtle on the soft part of his neck. The turtle turned around and asked why the scorpion would do that as the turtle was becoming paralyzed and no longer able to swim. The scorpion simply answered, "Thats what I do, I sting things." The turtle then answered, "But now we will both die." The scorpion simply said, "You knew I was a scorpion when you allowed me to climb onto your back".

The Turtle didn't understand what a Scorpion is and allowed calamity to climb onto his back and the Scorpion couldn't help himself!

Here is a link that might be useful: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

There have been many articles recently in magazines, and I think Oprah did a program on the subject of an epidemic number of women who have little interest in sexuality. I imagine that there are many reasons, but perhaps fatigue, stress, work, family responsibility, aging, etc. all play a part. So Chazie, I imagine that you are right in that this is how your wife feels. And apparently, there are many, many who feel the same way.

This forum also has posts of women married to men with little to no interest, and their frustration in their marriage, in this area.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hello again,
yes I realize that if my wife was filling a void by seeing an escort, male or female, it would hurt me as her husband. However, after all I have tried over the years I would feel that would be just to hurt me. Before anyone says that is what I am doing to her, I know.
Tenderchichi, I don't mean to be ignorant but I don't know what a "OP" is or what a "DW" is, but really do you talk like that too? you really need to tone it down a notch considering you don't know who your audience is here.
Yes I would like to know more about Robin Suzique.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

tenderchichi,

You may be on to something... the fact that he has an ongoing pattern of cheating (and it's not a one time thing) points almost directly to a deep seeded insecurity.

Deep insecurity is usually linked to/causes a Narcissist personality disorder. And, what really suggests the narcissism to me, is that he really doesn't seem to think what he is doing is wrong.

So you have a very insecure man, who cheats, and doesn't think it's wrong. It really doesn't sound like a difference in opinion about the marriage contract, or have anything to do with the fact that guys think different than girls (which he tried to convince us of). And, as accepting or open you may be about different types of marriage arrangements, this is not an open marraige. He is lying to and cheating on his wife. His opinion that this is ok within his marriage, is just irrational.

A good example of this that may help explain it better is Rod Blagojevich... not only was he doing wrong (which we can easily see and believe), but he really, really doesn't see it as wrong (and continues to somehow excuse himself). And, it's not some ploy; he really appears to believe he is innocent. He's a big time Narcissists. That's how they think. He's not rational.

I don't know if this poster (OP) is really a narcissist or is just really insecure and trying to convince himself it is ok. I hope for his sake, that he really "knows" deep down what he is doing is wrong. If not, he's...well... it's not good. He could probably benefit from some counseling either way... but as I would guess you know, narcissists are probably the last group to agree to or be able to be helped by counseling (They've done nothing wrong, of course, so don't need help).


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Hey Carla,
who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
First of all, if youre a psychologist then I would accept your diagnosis of "deep seeded insecurity" but chances are youre not. This makes it your opinion. "Narcissist personality" would mean that in your opinion I believe that I superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. to me this type of person would be like this all the time.
Second I never said there is nothing wrong with what I have done, I have rationalized it to be an activity that I have chosen to participate in to experience other women without emotional "baggage", and relieve sexual tensions.
I keep this secret to all I know because I do realize that may have bad judgment, but also as to not hurt the ones that love me and I care about.
Youre not going to be convinced of anything, and I don't really care if you are or not. It's a free country and you or I cannot change the facts. There will always be women and men out there that will sell themselves for sexual favors, and there will always be sexually deprived individuals who will pay the price. There will also be people like you who insist on imposing their will upon others and trying to suppress human behavior like this. Personally, I am of the point of view that if it is accepted and regulated, not advertised openly then society could benefit from it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

>> "...the ones that love me and I care about".

Now I really am laughing out loud. In other words: "People love me; I care about them".


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My husband requested escort service.

Sorry, I submitted too soon. Chazlie, I wish you well in your relationships, and especially feel for your wife. What you are doing and expressing in words is not something that is acceptible behavior or attitude in my opinion, but it apparently works for you personally, and I think you're doing your best, unfortunately. I would imagine that it wouldn't work for your wife if she knew. Therefore, I feel that it's unfair to her and you're lying, cheating, and invalidating your promises to her. But heck - it works for you.

You can because you can; you said that. You have a great way of blaming your wife and justifying, but I suspect that, even if you were good in bed and able to satisfy your wife, you'd still frequent hookers. From all you've said, trying to no avail to make yourself look like the poor, denied man, I think you'd look for any/every opportunity to experience other women, despite any situation at home. You've been pretty clear about that.

It's not my business, you're not in my life (thank God), and you will just go forward with the attitude that this is Ok and you deserve it. I'd venture to say that your wife deserves more than she's getting, too, but whatever. Good luck to you.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"There will also be people like you who insist on imposing their will upon others and trying to suppress human behavior like this"

Ok, Rod, you're right, you're not doing anything wrong and who am I to try to suppress this type of human behavior?

It's not your cheating behavior that I'm worried about. Many men cheat. It's your rationalization and excuses behind it that seem odd. But, I'm certain you don't see it; that's the problem...


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I see it,
I don't think I am imposing my will upon you or anyone else. I am not making excuses for what I am doing, I know I am doing for pure self gratification, I know that. I could be doing more hurtful things like haveing an affair with emotions involved. This could be with a man or women. I believe that having an affair with all the emotional events that goes with that is worse than seeing an escorts. I also realize that you folks don't see the difference.
Please don't compare me to "Rod" he's just a A**ho**.
What about Bill Clinton, what about all the other guys out there who have no other way?
if your partner is asking you to do a couple of things outside your sexual or emotional comfort zones and being refused, why is everyone surprised when they go outside the relationship to get it?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

As opposed to taking "No" for an answer?
Oh, the horrors!

And for what it's worth, if I thought my Hubby was seeing escorts, or wasn't pleased with our intimate relations, I wouldn't exactly be thrilled about sleeping with him.
You say your wife's lousy in bed?
That's probably WHY she's lousy in bed!

A woman doesn't feel sexy unless her man seems to find her sexy;
and a woman who doesn't feel sexy doesn't act sexy.
And the last thing a woman wants to do when she's not feeling sexy is something that crosses her personal comfort line.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

The OP is attempting to make the point that going to escorts causes the least amount of harm to the most people. In that, if he were to divorce and find a suitable mate or just continue seeing escorts without marriage, that it would do more harm. Divorcing his wife or apprising her of the situation would do more damage because no one is the wiser if he does not tell. As a result, the OP must live a lie. Up to this point it has been working out.

It does not seem like an authentic way to live. How do you appear to yourself to be happily married? It is an oxymoron.

The OP uses Bill Clinton and "all the other guys out there" who have done the same thing. Consider, that "they" were caught. That they suffered the consequences of their actions. And, we do not know how their wives, families, close friends reacted to the deception.

It seems a lot harder to maintain this lifestyle than it would be to divorce and live an authentic life with or without the use of escorts.

On the other hand, if you were to say that the burden of separating your finances as a result of a divorce would create havoc in your life then, at least, that would make sense. But, remaining in the marriage as it is at the present time is unfair to your DW unless you disclose to her what you are doing.

You might want to consider the 'non divorce' as an option. Many couples who cannot strike a happy balance are entering into such a relationship. At the very least, it would offer you the opportunity to live an authentic life.

I would never consider it an option for myself, though.

It does not seem like a very healthy way to live as it defies the way marriage is defined in our culture.

Quote from article:

'Though the situation varies, a couple in a nondivorce usually remain living together under one roof, more like passionless roommates than spouses. There are no hard statistics, but some divorce experts say they're seeing more of this unromantic phenomenon, driven by three big financial factors: the high cost of legal fees in divorces, the expense of setting up two households and the difficulty in obtaining adequate health insurance, especially if one spouse has a pre-existing condition.'

Link to article:


Here is a link that might be useful: http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/SuddenlySingle/UnhappilyEverAfterTheNondivorce.aspx?GT1=8996


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Salutations,
first things first, I have tried for 15 years to make our sex life what it could be between my wife and myself. is that not enough trying, experimenting and getting turned down and refused every time. I try to make her feel sexy, wanted and needed in the bedroom, again rejected. Once or twice a month we do have relations but it is always my wife disconnecting, she does not tell me what feels good and what does not. It takes 2 ya know.

Tenderchihi, I'll ask again, what is an OP? and what is a DW?
Your kind of right however, I don't want a divorce - my parents were divorced and growing up in that environment was terrible. My Wife's parents are still together, but they apear to be unromantic with each other. I have never seen them kiss, hug or even hold hands. My wife and I have 2 kids that we love dearly.
Yes I am too cheap to give up the home we built together and I am certain that my wife could not support herself. I don't know what you mean by "a authentic life" but this is about the only way I have found to hold on to my sanity and enjoy being a family.
I am not looking to be analyzed by you nor am I looking for your approval. I think it is important for a person to express themselves sexually durring their life time.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"OP" translates to "Original poster"

"DW" is "Dear wife"


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

When posting, there should be an expectancy of contrasting opinions. Especially, considering that this board is confined to marriage and the post is controversial.

By authentic, I mean Honest with yourself. Not necessarily to your significant other, family and friends. There is a wide gap between who you are and what you are pretending to be. The persona does not match up with the reality of a happily married man.

It is a form of "Doublespeak" which helps a person to accept the unacceptable to avoid the consequences of having a conscience. Deceiving both the deliverer and the receiver of the ambiguity contained within one concept. Eventually, gnawing away at the individual's freedom to make choices about good, bad, right, wrong, moral or immoral. The person that practices this becomes amoral.

Who are you? What do you stand for? Even, if 'people' judged you badly, at least you are standing for something and not living a lie.

DW has a right to know, and decide to approve and stay or disapprove. The ball would then be in her court.

If you remain as you are it must be out of fear of the consquences for yourself and not about you not wanting to hurt others.

That is my take on it. It all seems very fake to me. Marriage does not allow for the use of escorts. It negates marriage unless both parties agree.

To read about the concept of "Doublespeak"

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.damronplanet.com/doublespeak/whatisdoublespeak.htm


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I understand the rules,
I understand the fourm, I disagree with your advice that my wife should know.
she is happy not knowing, and would be hurt if she did. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't what to hurt myself by stopping my behavior. So for now I am happy with living with the secret.

I really don't care if you agree or disagree. I am happy with the fact that we can agree to disagree. Since none of you can fathom the heart ache that brought me to this point but you are quick to judge, not understand. You too take the easy path as I have. it's human nature.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I will admit that I haven't read through every post on this thread. I just want to make a couple of comments.

I have told my husband that if he wants sex at night he needs to start working on it in the morning. A point not always taken.

I don't think the question is really should someone tell their spouse that they have cheated on them but rather what type of person could live with that on their conscience and not confess, ask for forgiveness and try to work out things in their marriage. Some marriages can survive, others shouldn't.

If you want to behave as a single person and sleep around, be single.

Men usually don't cheat for the sex alone, don't blow that smoke up my chimney. They cheat because they need to be feel appreciated or valued. I suggest they do something to be appreciated and valued for and see how that works for them. Breathing and belching and farting don't count.

Contrary to popular belief, most woman don't live for doing the laundry, dishes, cooking and acting like a whore in the bedroom. They have been given other gifts that they ENJOY using...if they had the time. A lot of men will do for their mistresses what they wouldn't do for their wives. Married men can be very attractive. No cooking, no laundry, no kids, no cleaning. Add all that to the mix and she'll look at you the same way your wife does....like another child.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

What is lacking from a self indulgent sex life is emotional intimacy, for which there is no substitute.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"I have told my husband that if he wants sex at night he needs to start working on it in the morning. A point not always taken."

Priceless Believer!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Silver,

Thanks!! At least if I know he is working on it in the morning I can tell him "NO' a head of time and save him all the trouble he'd have to go through during the day!!! LOL


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

i think its funny how this thread has so strayed from its original topic and purpose. So bring it back, not to freak you out but i was on the america's most wanted website and i read this story about a man who got killed by the owner of a escort agency because he was paying the call girls directly!(http://www.amw.com/fugitives/case.cfm?id=54657) if your husand is getuing involved with this type stuff, suggest help cause thats dangerous!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I have read every post here, and I just want to commend Chazlie for what rings true as a male perspective.

I was raised with many older brothers, and watched and learned in amazement what lengths men will go to keep the truth about their sexual escapades away from their significant other, and what lengths they will go to to experience that pleasure.

At times it seemed superhuman effort (and no sleep) was involved in getting what they sexually needed/wanted.

I envy males for their ability to experience pleasure without attachment. I don't know how 'escorts' can give of their bodies night after night and not get emotionally attached.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Okay, so from these last two posts, you'd think that all women are destined to exist with men who cannot or do not control their sexual urges and that the only option in life is to learn to live with men who have no sexual boundaries or self control.

This is unfortunate. Sex is a human need, indeed - that doesn't justify infidelity. Sex, with a girlfriend, a prostitute, or office supplies is still sex outside the marital bond - and the secrecy is what creates the betrayal and the pain.

You can always request job changes. Beyond that, being on a business trip doesn't mean that an escort service is part of the package. It's not like, here sir, is your towel, your hand soap, your meal ticket, and your warm body. If it were that way, we wouldn't be having this discussion. Sounds like there is a lot of justification for his behavior, which will only lead to more of it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

You are right! Any sex outside of marriage for me in considered completely wrong and only serves selfish personal needs. I have always been very clear in our relationship that if this situation every came up I would be gone. I did leave for a few days and after some soul searching I needed to see if we can work things out.
I do not in any way agree with his decision. I am only in control of my actions.
I am tracking our bank accounts and credit bills more closely. We have set up an account with GPSed which tracks where his blackberry is (not fool proof because he can leave it where ever). I have located private eye services that can track and report his activity when away for work which I will do at some point in the future when he will be unaware. I will be travelling with him for a while.
We have a long way to go in terms of trust and I am not sure we ever will have that back. I have said several times that you do not have a marriage if you do not have trust.

Here is a link that might be useful: escort services


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

It's been a while since I have posted here -
I would like to first thank xminion for not be ratting me or the my decisions to seek the company of beautiful sexy women, yes even if I pay them.
For the folks that agree with Believer that sex should be earned and not enjoyed your missing the entire point.
Like many things in life there are levels, steps that one goes through.
Seeing escorts is no different - the more you see the more you learn to enjoy yourself, seek out your sexual wants - experience what the body can do - and can't..
how many of you can honestly say you have an excellent sex life? How many of you can say that you have had the opportunity to spend more than 5 hours having fantastic sexual experiences that you will fondly remember?
my guess is not many, epically when sex is used as a weapon or a tool to get what they want, not just for the enjoyment of it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"For the folks that agree with Believer that sex should be earned and not enjoyed your missing the entire point. "

Chazlie, that's not what Believer meant, IMO. And I don't see sex as something I want to share with someone I'm paying to pretend to like me. That is gross to me. I have a EXCELLENT sex life with my husband. It gets better and better as time goes on and we get to know one another better, what works, what doesn't, what's fun, what isn't. I would rather "...learn to enjoy (my)yourself, seek out (my)your sexual wants - experience what the body can do - and can't.. " with someone I love.

I have a very attractive, sexy husband, and I think I'm rather good looking and sexy as well. I'm sorry that you cannot attract a beautiful, sexy woman who is both interested in you and willing to be with you without payment. That sounds like a personal problem. If I were you I'd work on my social skills and personal hygiene to make myself more attractive to the many women who are good looking, sexual beings who would love to explore sexuality with the right man.

Xminion "...commend(s) Chazlie for what rings true as a male perspective.

News flash. All men are not the same, just as all women are not the same. MOST prostitutes are lesbians and do not like men. It's business. It's acting. It's not real, boys.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Wonderfully said, silversword. I agree. It is always interesting to me how men who engage hookers actually seem to believe that the hookers like them and enjoy sex with them.

And I, too, think that enjoying sex over a period of time with the man whom I love, trust, and loves and trusts me is the ultimate.

Suzieque


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Isn't that the oddest thing? How so many men will believe that these women like them and find them sexy? Despite having to PAY them?

But then, just as many women seem to fall for the "You're so beautiful -- I've never met anyone like you." line, and give it up for free -- so I guess it's probably about the same.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Thanks Suzie. This thread just got on my last nerve. I think it's sad that these men are really so disconnected with their emotional sexuality that they would believe sex with a prostitute is the answer to learning about sex/getting sexual fulfillment.

To me, sex is a lot more than the actual physical act. Like Believer said (and this is what I think she meant...) if you want sex with me, you need to act like it all day long, not just jump into bed expecting some. This means building up to the intimacy all the time. No, not spreading flower petals from the front door to the chocolates on the pillow every day, but it's the little touches, eye contact, loving moments that warm a person up and make them want to get closer.

Yes, a prostitute will get into bed with you when you want, act really interested, compliment you on your size and brevity and do what you like. But that does not fill the cup. It's like empty calories. An hour later you will be hungry again. And I'd rather fill my plate with sustainence than fluff.

Sweeby, you're right, it's not very different. But, I think the difference is that women know they are not "the one" but are willing to hope and dream for that because of low self esteem. They pay for feeling wanted, desired, loved with their body. These men actually believe that the best sex to be had is with a play-toy girl rather than a real woman. And they are willing to pay for the deception in dollars.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Re: "To me, sex is a lot more than the actual physical act."

But this simply means that you are a woman and have no understanding of men whatsoever.
For men sex has nothing to do with love, it is a physical act, and they don't cheat as a way of doing something bad to you. I cheat on my wife on regular basis and I'm proud of being honest with myself and not cheating myself thinking that one partner is sufficient - no matter how sick this makes you. But at the same time I love my wife dearly and wouldn't want to lose her, but I would choose sexual freedom over marriage. Unfortunately as a woman she also has no understanding of men's nature and needs.
What many of you may be forgetting is that less and less people get married and more and more get divorced or cheat.
For example for me the main reason to get married was for convenience - have a soul to talk to, someone to cling to, and to raise a family. Later I've grown to love my wife, but without these benefits I rather wouldn't have strong motivation to get married. And I started to cheat after I realized that these benefits are just that - benefits, but I cannot cheat on myself by subduing my sexual nature and sheer curiosity.
The world cannot be perfect unless everyone can become a swinger, but of course 80% of women won't accept that. And because of not accepting this you will usually be cheated on and feel hurt. We're not in heaven, pain is part of life, so either get used to it or learn how to live with men and support what's natural for them.

Re: "I have told my husband that if he wants sex at night he needs to start working on it in the morning. A point not always taken."

Wow. There is nothing worse you can do than withold sex! This is not only a turn-off for a guy but it can cause an emotional disaster while providing 10x stronger emotional stimulus to cheat.

If your husband doesn't cheat then in 80% of cases he is either ugly, or sufferring, or you are swingers. 10% may be getting a lot of sex from you (good). The last 10% are just gullible loving hubbies.

And why am I even writing all this? Because you women never ask why men cheat. Go to a bar, find a man and ask, discuss, learn. Hey, talking to your own husband before you even know that he cheats may also not be a bad idea.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"Re: "To me, sex is a lot more than the actual physical act."

"But this simply means that you are a woman and have no understanding of men whatsoever. For men sex has nothing to do with love..."

How presumptuous of you. Do you honestly think you can speak for the whole male population? Where's Asolo when we need him??

"If your husband doesn't cheat then in 80% of cases he is either ugly"

Are you a statistician? Ugly guys get sex too. If they have enough money to pay for a drink and enough brains to listen to a drunk woman at the bar, they can get laid easily. Getting sex is not hard, and getting sex with women who are not paid for their services is not hard either.

"And why am I even writing all this? Because you women never ask why men cheat. "

Why would I ask you why men cheat? It's obvious you know very little about relationships and make broad assumptions about the lives of others based on your poor rationalizations.

"...for me the main reason to get married was for convenience - have a soul to talk to, someone to cling to, and to raise a family. Later I've grown to love my wife, but without these benefits I rather wouldn't have strong motivation to get married. And I started to cheat after I realized that these benefits are just that - benefits, but I cannot cheat on myself by subduing my sexual nature and sheer curiosity."

Here's what stands out for me:
1. Convenience
2. Someone to cling to
3. Subduing sexual nature and sheer curiosity
4. Having a soul to talk to

I didn't marry my husband for any of those reasons. I married him because I love him to the bottom of my soul and back. I am thrilled every night to climb into bed beside him. I don't need to subdue my sexual nature with strangers, I can do that with my husband. I don't want a soul to talk to, I can find people to talk to on every corner. I want to talk with him. And I don't want anyone to cling to me, nor to cling to them. That just sounds icky. I got past those types of relationships in high school.

"I love my wife dearly and wouldn't want to lose her, but I would choose sexual freedom over marriage. Unfortunately as a woman she also has no understanding of men's nature and needs."

And you have no understanding of women. To say you love her, but would choose sexual freedom over being with her, yet keep this a secret from her, exposing her to disease, not participating fully in your marriage... this is not love. If you had integrity you would leave her. To stay because you like the comfort is what disgusts me. Were you just out sowing your oats I'd have no problem. Most people are not mature enough to nurture a stable relationship.

"I'm proud of being honest with myself...lately I've grown to love her..."

I'd be interested to know what is your definition of "love". Does your wife know how proud you are of yourself for being honest with yourself? Does your wife know you only married her so you would have a clean nest to drag your dirty a** back to when you finished tomcatting around?

I know why men cheat. They aren't being sexually satisfied at home. And I know why women cheat. They aren't having their needs met at home either. Sexually, emotionally, mentally. I don't need to go to a bar to ask the drunk degenerates why they are cheating.

Swinging has no appeal to me. Do you know the statistics for STD's? One in five Americans have genital herpes (yet at least 80 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it). Lovely. Yes, I'd like some casual herpes... oh... I mean sex, please. And don't tell me you use protection. That's a joke.

I'm sorry you married a woman to satisfy your nesting needs rather than a partner with whom you are compatible. Not everyone has that problem. Your attention span is so short you attributed Believer's comment to me. It's no wonder you can't satisfy your wife. It makes me laugh to consider the different sides were we to question some of your sexual conquests. I daresay they would have a different opinion of quality and quantity than you would.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Well said Silversword!

Wife_cheater - So you are proud of being honest with yourself and not cheating yourself in thinking that one woman is sufficient. Wow! at least you are honest with someone. What about the woman you entered into a marriage/partnership with and claim to love dearly, doesn't she have an equal right to the truth?? Let HER decide if she wants to stay with a cheater.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

"Do you honestly think you can speak for the whole male population? Where's Asolo when we need him??"

Be calm, my lovely. And don't feed the trolls.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

*s* I'm still learning *s*


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Wow, that is lame that he would do that. I would get a divorce.

Here is a link that might be useful: pheromones


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

As long as nobody is feeding trolls, has anyone tried pheremones? LOL I actually have, and found them to be quite effective....


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Aloha, My husband of 7 years has done the same thing. I know that he loves me and is not "cheating" He just seems to need something else. We have a great relationship and a great sex life. So, what is it? A sexual addiction? I think so. Any advice?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Find a new husband?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Is he ok with you getting "satisfaction" elsewhere?


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I've given up on most of your hypocritical opinions here folks.
Wife_cheater - Bravo! nicely said.. but watch out the riotous silverword will rip you apart with the quotes and comments of the emotional.
Suzique, there are guys and gals that have been involved in this "hobby" for decades. They are smart enough to understand that it's all about the money, and sex but foremost the money. No money, no playtime.
however if one can get past the initial barriers of monogamy and trust, and open one's mind to being sexually free this can open more opportunities that these "working folks" can open up to one person.
you really don't get the idea that an escort can provide services that no one else can. Yes you need to pay them for their services. But with my personal experiences this lifestyle has opened a few doors for me to enjoy more than one woman, yes at a time and even some other mutual enjoyable activities that most of you would find discussing. Ladies, how many of you ever wondered what it would be like to have 2 or 3 guys within you at one time?
Getting wild in the bedroom is not for most, and definitely not for the frigid.
Personally, I know of more than a few ladies that are married and their husbands are aware and support their decisions to see other men for money, some only do it because they totally enjoy the sex during play time. Some do it for the money.
I've had the pleasure of getting to know both the wife and the husbands of these folks, and their open mindedness is enlighten to say the least.
They do it because, basically, everyone cheats, in some method or another. Whether it be looking at a guys bum walking down the street, or screwing the milk man to hiring a escort or two to provide services you know your wife wont do.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazlie,
I guess it all comes down to what you value. If "not" having a craving to have more than one man 'within' me makes me frigid, then I am OK with that label...because I know I also carry other labels that I value.

To each his own. Sad, really.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Amyfiddler & others that find my posts "Sad" I am surprised and it is I that feels sad for you. I say this because of your closed minds.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

chazlie you are definatly the sad one


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Chazlie,how sad and pathetic it is that you have to pay for physical intimacy. What is it that prevents others from engaging in personal relationships with you that lead to a bonding of sorts? In spite of your braggadaccio, you sound lonely and sad, like the last kid picked for the team.

Don't kid yourself into thinking you're special because you have partners willing to play for pay. Without the cash you're willing to fork over, your "friends" would go to the next playground and leave you to play alone.

But maybe you're not the Payer, you're the Payee. If so, your talents will fade and so will your looks and your "market value". If you think you're lonely now, just wait until age starts to show its marks on your face and body.

Come back then and tell us how great your life is.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

For anyone who may be wondering if Chazlie is the norm, let me clarify. Chazlie is a classic case of a person who has been wounded at a crucial point in life - maybe more than once. He has a deficit of compassion, love and respect for women as a whole. He justifies his acting out by belittling those who live a life he cannot fathom, one of true intimacy and security. I can predict fairly easily that such a man does not have a partcularly close, loving relatioship with his own mother, and I would also guess that his wife struggles with some codependency. He would probably argue both these points, since it is so hard to look internally when such a deep pain exists.

The brain works exceedingly hard to "feel good" - and such acting out (yes, it's acting out, it's not socially acceptable, reasonable, nor is it normal) - is an attempt to make up for the pain that exists mentally and emotionally. That is the ONLY reason people are self destructive - and yes, blocking real intimacy through multple partners and infidelity is without question self destructive.

This is sad, no matter how you slice and dice it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

The initiative taken for the concern is very serious and need an
attention of every one. This is the concern which exists in the
society and needs to be eliminated from the society as soon as
possible.

Here is a link that might be useful: local escorts


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

Yo, atul....wasn't one of those your mother? The one in bed with the goat? No wonder you're ugly and stupid. She certainly is...and the goat, whoa! Please do eliminate yourself from society as soon as possible. Everyone who knows you will be pleased. The initiative taken for the concern is very serious and needs your attention. Yes it is true and exists.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

DIE THREAD DIE!!!!!!


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I found out my husband hired escorts very often, He travels for work so he would hire them where he was traveling. I had been using his computer and to my surprise I discovered his e-mails to several different girls to arrange meetings. We have been together for 27 years and he says he has been doing this for the last 10 years. I am devastated. We had a pretty good sex life until now. I made him go to the doctor to get a STD check. His results just came back negative. It still doesn't matter to me. He says he wants to try to work things out. He has an appointment with a sex addiction therapist. I feel like my head is spinning. I don't think I can forgive him. I'm giving him the opportunity to try to fix this but I don't know if I can stay.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

No end to it.


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Amazing responders to dead threads.

No end to it.


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Amazing response to a dead thread.

No end to it.


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RE: I found out my husband requested escort service.

I've looked at them out of curiosity but would NEVER hire one. The fact that he joked about it says to be that he is curious but not really looking to do anything.

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.direct2u-escorts.com


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