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no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Posted by Shessy (My Page) on
Sat, Feb 11, 12 at 20:28

Hi everyone,
I am just about to be 21 years old and recently married. I think its about to be the biggest regret of my life. Don't get me wrong I love this man dearly, but unfortunately he is a terribly bad person. I guess its somewhat my fault for getting into a situation like this. I should have never looked twice at a guy I met at a party through a mutual friend. He was even the one throwing the party, and he even stole alcohol from the store. Hes not normally the type of man I would be with at all to be honest. I have very high moral standards, never lie about my past, I had never even come remotely close to shoplifting before I met him, I don't cheat, none of it. In the past I have held myself very high and proud. I went through a very bad phase which I was still into when I met him, so I guess I needed a lesson, and trust me this is more then enough to put me back on my path. My ex fiance of 5 years left me 6 months before starting to date my husband. It was so rough, I really loved/love that man (in a different way now of course). I tried some drugs nothing really bad and only a couple times but nothing im proud of. I went from having only slept with one man to having slept with 5 in a matter of 6 months (super disgusting please don't judge). Only two of those were hookups where I never dated the person. I finally began to trust my husband when it all came crashing down. I completely transformed his life for him. I got his drug doing criminal roommates out, I found him a good job (like literally found it for him and told him to apply), found us the car we now have, and found him a great deal on a nice trailer we were just about to buy. Here comes another problem, my job history is shot and all I can work is food service, so im sitting home pondering where I will live. Even if I had a job it wouldn't be enough to pay bills.My husband drank an entire bottle of wine last Sunday and proclaimed his love for one of his ex- girlfriends. He told me he would leave me to go be with her and he saw this dream where they had a baby and it shall happen blah blah blah. Then he said its all a lie and stuff, but I was going through his emails seeing if he has been talking to her, and I saw right before I met him he was literally begging girls to have sex with him. I then finally dragged it out of him that he had had sex with a 15 yr old 5 months before we met(he is 21 sick right). He could go to jail at any time for that if she says anything! He also begged another 15 yr old to have sex with him but she said no. He also now admits he also cheated on the girl of the only other long term relationship he has ever had. He also "forgot" to mention one other girl he had slept with. So hes a cheater, and a pervert. How could I ever feel sexually inclined to that again? Did I mention yet that he has hit me hard on several occasions, never with any intention to kill me but still. Hes super verbally abuse, and calls me clingy if I try to spend time with him. I gave him one more chance after he had proclaimed his love for an ex and then I find out all this other info! We have only been married four months. I think I now realize why god didn't give me this man's child. I should be 3.5 months pregnant right now, but I went through an ectopic and had to have surgery and loose a tube, and know that I may never have children. I was also told I have cin1 which is cervical precancer caused by hpv a sexually transmitted disease, which my husband probably gave to me (having hooked up with more then one nasty chick) and lied to me about it. Now I may get cancer and die. I am so confused what should I do? Did I mention I love this man with all of my heart xxx, but also feel its broken.... why must men lie?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Same run-on style; same just-arrived status; new version of the same impossible nonsense; and the numbers provided don't add up. Don't know whether this is one person or a coven making this stuff up, but It's too typical/familiar to be real.

And, of course, it always ends with "I am so confused what should I do?"


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Let's recap: he's no good, gave you a disease which may have cancer ramifications, a cheater, drinker, druggie, technically a child molester, etc. etc. Oops, I forgot he's also a liar and has no respect or affection for you AND you "love this man with all of my heart". Well, sure you do, what's not to love?

Marriages under a year old are not at all hard to dissolve, or are you having too much fun?


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

@ asolo sorry if this sounds typical/familiar to you, but I didn't post this to be funny, its the complete truth. Pretty sad that my relationship is so bad people assume I am a troll.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

So....you were engaged at 15? (Or was it 14? May be a few months off.) You have very high moral standards notwithstanding that you did drugs and bonked five guys (in addition to your ex) just before hooking up with your thief-husband who assaults you physically and verbally? You even got knocked up along the way with an ectopic pregnancy? But, notwithstanding your own behavior, you blame your loser-husband for your STD? And you still love him with all your heart even though he's a terribly bad person? And you've even brought god into it. Nice touch, that.

Oh...was that judging? Yes, I say troll. Not to be believed. And certainly not funny.


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RE: marriage fail

No I was not engaged at 15, I was engaged to him later on (the entire duration of the relationship was 4.5 years), I did however start dating him when I was 15. I slept with 5 guys altogether including my ex and my husband so you also have that wrong. I did not get "knocked up" with an ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I got pregnant on purpose before I knew about all of this other bs he lied about, so think twice before saying a bunch of stuff you didn't even read correctly.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Just read what you wrote...which is quite a mess.

Carry on, then. I promise to stay out of it.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

If you're not a troll, then if you can't see that you have so far managed to totally f*** up your life to date, and it's going to stay that way as long as you insist you luuuuuv this loser, then it's not just your marriage there is no hope for, it's you. Why you are even vaguely considering staying or that this can be salvaged is beyond me.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

How do you think this story ends?

He's already hit you, and he's proved that he's not committed to you for the long term. Think of all the possible outcomes, give each one a likelihood, then make the decision that gives you the best shot at a happy, ethical life.

Hint: It won't include him.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Shessy, at least you've come back hear, read responses, and commented, which is more than a lot of people do. Thank you for that.

I also ask: What is there about this jerk to love? Seriously, that's a real question. What is there to love about him?

You're not even 21 yet. Fortunately, you've finally discovered what you should've known before you married. Why would you spend one more day married to him? The only hope for you, from what I have read here, is for you to get away from him and try to turn your life around.

Good luck to you.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Get an annulment. You are way to young and immature to be married. And please,PLEASE don't get pregnant. That would be the 2nd mistake you have made in your young life. The first was marrying this loser. NancyLouise


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RE: no hope for my marriage..

@ suzieque
Well the things I can easily think of that I love about him are:
1. When he is loving he is really genuine and fun to spend time with.
2. He turned his life around for me in a lot of ways already. He has never cheated on me (yes I am sure)and he hasn't done any drugs or drank very many times since we met. He found a good job and has been responsible.
3. He lets me stay home well he works to take care of me and provide for us, honestly doesn't mind doing it and never has complained.
4. He is really good in bed and very good looking (lol tmi)
5. My husband is very artistically inclined/ talented. He is a great guitarist/songwriter and does his own photography.
6. For the most part he is very peaceful (the arguments where he has hit me do no happen often at all and he is usually just a back away from the situation type).
7. His outlook on life is always choosing to believe the best will happen and not the worst.
8. He doesn't worry about anything, which really helps me because I have an anxiety disorder.
9. I think he genuinely felt bad for keeping it from me that he slept with 15 year old and cheated on his ex. He said he was scared he would loose me. (I do tend to be kinda reactive sometimes.

See so in all fairness I left everything good about him out of the posting.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

I think you should seek an agreement with your husband to BOTH work on becoming responsible people.

Most "normal" happily married people just don't put up with crap.

It is simply not a good idea to get married so young. It not sensible to have children, when you are in such an unstable relationship. You don't have to have children, why did you think you wanted a child ? Children are such hard work, and they extract all the spare money and energy you will have. You need to be realistic about that !

You have found some good points about your husband, but do they outweigh the bad points ?

Do you have some good role models in your life, of happily married stable people ? Do you wonder why some people can be happy in married life - they show utmost respect for each other - that is the standard you both should strive for.

You don't have to settle for a crap life, put your shoulders back, expand your horizens and LEARN how to have the good marriage, the good job, and do it with humility and pride.

All the best to you.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

1. When he is loving he is really genuine and fun to spend time with.

That's how most abusers are. It's how they keep their victims around. Sadly, typically the good loving times get fewer and fewer and the abusive times get more and more often.

2. He turned his life around for me in a lot of ways already. He has never cheated on me (yes I am sure)and he hasn't done any drugs or drank very many times since we met. He found a good job and has been responsible.

He hasn't cheated on you- yet. Generally with cheaters it's only a matter of time. If he cheated on his last long term relationship odds are better that he'll eventually cheat on you.

3. He lets me stay home well he works to take care of me and provide for us, honestly doesn't mind doing it and never has complained.

If that's one of the big reasons why you stay, it's tantamount to admitting you're a kept woman.

4. He is really good in bed and very good looking (lol tmi)

And there are lots of good looking, good in bed, non-abusive men out there.

5. My husband is very artistically inclined/ talented. He is a great guitarist/songwriter and does his own photography.

Presumably he's doing all this while you want to spend some together time, and so he gets verbally abusive and calls you "clingy". Is it a good trade off, and does this outweigh being a person who will hit you when all else fails?

6. For the most part he is very peaceful (the arguments where he has hit me do no happen often at all and he is usually just a back away from the situation type).

The arguments where he hits you should not happen AT ALL. And violent behaviour tends to escalate, however slowly. Think about how you'd feel going from saying, "Oh, he only hits me every couple of months" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of weeks" to "Oh, he only hits me every couple of days".

7. His outlook on life is always choosing to believe the best will happen and not the worst.

Well so it may, for him.

8. He doesn't worry about anything, which really helps me because I have an anxiety disorder.

I'd have an anxiety disorder too if I lived with someone who might hit me. Seriously, there have to be better treatments than living with someone who treats you badly, is verbally abusive and calls you "clingy" if you want to spend time together. If you're in a relationship why wouldn't you want to spend time together? It's a reasonable expectation. Otherwise you're the housekeeper and bit on the side while he plays the guitar and takes pictures.

9. I think he genuinely felt bad for keeping it from me that he slept with 15 year old and cheated on his ex. He said he was scared he would loose me. (I do tend to be kinda reactive sometimes.

But he didn't feel constrained to keep it from you that he wanted to get back together with his ex and have a baby with her. Especially knowing that you have just lost a baby and may not be able to have another.

It's good he's turned his life around somewhat since you've been together but you both need to know that being verbally abusive, pining aloud for the ex and hitting you are all deal breakers for any marriage. Don't put up with it for the sake of a comfortable bed.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Icould tell straight away this was not a hoax.and asolo you are pathetic arguing with a twenty year old,you must be so bored.shessy, its just part of life ,you wont end up with this man,your only 20 ,when your older it will be just another story to tell whomever, but you will be stronger and wiser for the experience,I was there myself .my first love was an heroin addict,i adored him ,i too was 20.thought he was everything.my world revolved around him,and i had his child and that was it,i grew up,my kid was more important,Im CERTAINLY not saying have kids ,definatly not but you need to not make this man your everything,go to work and meet people.you are too young to be stuck in the house.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Congratulations on correctly spelling "pathetic". Good job. Next, try "clairvoyance" since it seems to be among your gifts.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

He lets me stay home well he works to take care of me and provide for us, honestly doesn't mind doing it and never has complained.

This is a common abuser strategy. You think it's a privilege to stay home but it also means over time that he can isolate you and exert greater control.

Here comes another problem, my job history is shot and all I can work is food service, so im sitting home pondering where I will live.

Do you see how vulnerable you are? It is terrible to base your decision on whether to remain in this relationship based on fear. No woman should be that dependent. Even if he were the best husband in the world, he could be killed tomorrow in an accident or perhaps disabled. Stuff happens in this world. We all need to be able to carry our weight.

You do have some skills and you must have lived somewhere before you met this man. Even a part-time job would keep your skills and job history active and up-to-date.

The extra money could be used to take a community college class or two. Community colleges also offer career counseling. They are experienced in assisting students with challenging life issues and marginal work histories.

Regardless of what you decide about this marriage, do not assume you can't get pregnant and do not have a child with this man. You both have too many issues of your own to resolve.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Hi there,

I would go wait tables, get into college and make something of myself. YOU have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need a baby now, you need to find yourself. LOVE doesn't fail and it certainly doesn't hurt like your love from him does. Get your head in the game. Go into nursing, it is great pay, always find a job, and doesn't always have to be patient related.

Perhaps he may grow up too but he has to make the choice not you for him. good luck!

Quit choosing to make bad choices!


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Who cares if this is real or not.

So here is why women stay with rotten men...they are addicted to the cycle - particularly the part when the dude screws up and then sucks up. It feels really good to the confidence deprived woman.

When I was in grad school my supervisor used to look at such clients and say, "well, the sex must be mind blowing." See item 4. I'd hazard a guess, that this guy doesn't have rocking bedroom skills, but that sex is validation for her that she is so called "loved."

it's sad, really. Fathers, mothers, teach your daughters confidence and self esteem. Even if this story isn't real, there are such stories out there that are.


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RE: no hope for my marriage..anything I can do?

Shessy, try this:
Draw a circle on something. Now divide the circle into four equal parts. This is a graph of your life.

You can cross off the first quarter, that is the first 20- years of your life, you are done with that.

Now look at the next quarter - what do you plan to do between ages 21 and 40? Most women plan marriage, child raising, etc. in those twenty years. (Maybe even some education or job training!)

Now go to the third quarter - you are 41, your kids are probably grown or at least big enough that they don't need you every second. Look - you have half of your life left! What are you going to do with it? Make some plans.

My point is that women who have a plan for their lives do not have to live from one painful romantic relationship to the next. By having a plan and working toward some goals, you will gain respect for yourself and attract the kind of man who also respects you and treats you right.


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