cybersitter (filtering program) filtered out words from my posting....sorry....marijuana and sex were eliminated, so if you see a blank, fill it in....thks!!

My ex-husband was (is) a smoker. He has used since he was 18 (according to him).

Our marriage was difficult at best.

Keep in mind that someone who uses depressants like marijuana or alcohol on a regular basis, never deals with the emotional "stuff" that you and I do. They just escape from it with drugs. Therefore, they usually are emotionally immature. My ex was still behaving like a 20 year old because he never learned to deal with things in a mature manner.

Users can be very fun and charming, but will not keep their word and are self-centered (what's best for me?).

We have a 12 year old son together, and our son behaves more like the parent than his dad does. That's not what a kid is supposed to be worrying about at his age.

If he agrees to go to counseling and rehab, you may consider staying with him.

But it sounds like he doesn't think he has a problem.

Change will only be pernmanent if HE decides to change for his own reasons, not yours.

BTW, my ex is still behaving in the same manner he did when we were married.

He lives with his mom, has an on again-off again girlfriend, sometimes works, doesn't live up to his promises, doesn't pay child support and has developed Parkinsons disease at the age of 47. I blame it all on his choice to smoke marijuana at least 3 times a day.

It's sad, but it's the choice he's made.

Keli

As a nurse, you should know the effects marijuana has on the body. His poor memory, lack of motivation and low sex drive are probably all contributed to his drug use. It sounds like his dependence is growing and growing. Does he smoke around your children? i would tell this man that he if doesn't get help soon you are on your way out the door. You are a health care worker and know the consequences drug use can have - use your knowledge and act on it.

Good luck.

Dr. Laura says the three A's are always a reason for divorce.

Abuse, Adultery and Addiction.

If he can't keep his word, and smokes that often, he is addicted, and that is not a healthy relationship for you or your kids. The kids must come first. If he won't get treatment, then he needs to stay single.

To be blunt, yes, you are in a bad marriage. You said it yourself, there's a 5 point list of serious offences, if you want confirmation and everything you say is true (I suspect it is as you are a christian), then you know the answer is to get out.

You will never change him. A piece of paper means nothing. If he wants to stop smoking, he will, but don't wait around for it. You may be surprised how much an addicted person can lose before deciding to straighten up. My father is an alcoholic- he lost his wife of 20+ years, 3 children, his accountant job (he now drives a cab which is really scary- don't get a cab in Baltimore), all his friends, his brothers and sisters, his house.... and he still drinks. No amount of yelling, begging, pleading, ultimatums, interventions, throwing the drinks out, throwing him out, did the trick. He doesn't want help. Neither does your husband. You and especially your children must come first. You are responsible for providing a healthy environment for your children, and he is not a healthy environment. It looks like you condone drug use- he is doing it in your home. You must get out.

If you ignore the drug use and just look at the rest of what what you've written about your husband - then that alone is enough for me to say your marriage is bad. When the addiction to weed is factored in, then the situation looks even worse.

I'm sorry to say this, but you're married to an emotional parasite who is too selfish or lazy to do any of the work of a healthy relationship. His lack of responsibility and his ease with lying (making promises he doesn't keep) are both fatal flaws in my opinion.

Then when your kids are added in, the situation seems even more serious. Your boys are learning through example that men aren't reliable; that they can make empty promises to get somebody off their back. They've learned that using drugs is fine. These boys deserve 2 fully functioning parents. If that's not possible then they need at least 1 healthy parent.

I agree with Meghane, you must get out. Forget rehab, because he'll still be the same person without the weed. And, YOU DESERVE BETTER than this.

Denise

I agree with the others. Him smoking marijuana is setting a terrible example for your boys. As the others have pointed out, he will change only if he wants to. I had a cousin who went through rehab 4 or 5 times to deal with his drug addiction. But he didn't really want to change & went back every time. Your husband doesn't seem to believe that he has a problem, so he's not going to want to change.

I am a Christian as well & I certainly agree with you on that point about the drug use. This is not a good environment for you or your children. You certainly don't want them to learn from him & be lazy, irresponsible drug users when they grow up.

IF he's using the marijuana to self-treat depression & can get medication & counseling, there might be hope for him. I've been through depression & know that it does make you feel like sitting around doing nothing. But I have read that depression is often a side effect of marijuana usage. In that case, antidepressants won't help & he'd need to kick his addiction. I'm sure as a nurse you know all of this. I just wanted to point it out.

Aside from the issue of your boys being exposed to the bad behavior of their stepfather, what if your ex (or your ex's family, or even an outsider) used your current husband's behavior as a reason to interfere?

People sometimes act very vindictive after relationships have broken up. Aside from any actions arising from bad feeling, many people would call Child Services right away if they knew there was a chronic pot smoker in the household. This puts your family in a very vulnerable position.

Good luck, I'm sure there must be a very difficult situation for you. Is there a clergy person or counselor you could talk to?

I am not a regular here but I saw this and had to respond. You are in an awful situation. If he is using and keeping illegal drugs in a common area of your property, e.g.; beroom closet or garage. Not only is his use appauling but also his lack of concern for yours and your childrens safety.

If someone catches wind of his illegal use and reports it to the authorities. And they come in to your home and find it, you could be charged also. As an accomplise or aiding and abedding type charges. All common area property in a marriage belongs to both. So the law will hold you both responsible of its storage on your property and its use on your property.

Knowing an illegal act is being committed on your property and not reporting it makes you also liable. PLEASE, PLEASE, get the stuff out of there and tell him to use it somewhere else. YOU have to stand your ground for your own safety and your childrens.

I will be praying for you, your spouse, and children. The lord will resolve the issue, please don't make him have to go to someone else to get it done.

You can't change your spouse, but you can make him accountable. One way or another he has to be held accountable. It is a very tough spot.

Dave

Run! run like the wind.

I see nothing in what you've posted that indicates your husband is remotely serious about his commitment to YOU, let alone your kids.

I am not freaked out by the use of grass; but several times a day, every day would alarm me. This is NOT the way you want your children introduced to something that is still illegal. It is ILLEGAL and all it would take is one too many D.A.R.E. "classes" and you could find yourself in "a world of hurt".

Be very careful!

You need to hear it..You are in a BAD MARRIAGE! Get out. You and your kids are worth a whole lot more. My ex drank, took the dog's pills (my dog, Kay, had seizures and was on phenobarbital). He loved the dog, but an addiction is a compulsion regardless of the consequences. He was lazy too. I was in denial. He even lied about taking Kay's pills..Said he would "Never ever do that." Finally he admitted it..after I said I would look night and day until I found them. It is living in a crazy existence. Get out of it for your own mental well-being and your kids.

Thank you all for your advice. We are seeing a counselor together this week. He claims he has cut down on his usage, but being totally free from it - is what I want, not cutting down.

I just want to clarify to all that posted about having illegal drugs in my home. I DO NOT allow or accept ANY illegal drug in my home. My DH NEVER smoked in front of the kids and of course, never will. I DO NOT know where any stash is, if he has any! If someone at work offers him some, I have no control over that, except to say I will not tolerate his usage NO matter where he is when he is using.

I have a feeling that some people are assuming that my DH is a loser-pot-head and we have bags of the stuff all over the house. That is not the case. I admit that he has an addiction problem, but he does not walk around high in the house all the time. He works long hours and I rarely see him high, he knows better, I just know that he does it.

Thank you again, I have given him the ultimatum, I am just hoping that this counselor will help him see that he is an addict and he will quit for good to save our marriage.

MC

I'm sorry if you felt I implied that, it wasn't my intention to sound that way.

But I also know how smart kids are, and how one transgression THAT YOU WEREN'T AWARE OF could spell big trouble for you. My personal opinion is that it should, at least, be decriminalized. I see cigarettes and alcohol as equal threats... . But making something against the law is rarely the solution.

I hope things work out for you. It's tough to be a "tight spot" and face decisions that can be very hard. Please know I wasn't judging you, your concern about your circumstances was very evident in your post.

Chelone,

Sorry if I hurt your feelings with my earlier post. I was focusing on your comments numbered 2 through 5. I hope he can completely fix those issues and stop smoking. I wish you the best.

Denise

Sounds like you have things under control. Sorry for sounding harsh or judgmental. A marriage is worth saving if both are willing to save it.
Your on the right track!

No problem everyone! I knew you weren't judging me, so to speak. I just wanted to clarify a few things. Yes, I do have a hard decision to make. Do I throw my marriage away and compromise on how much he can smoke? - but then my kids are not seeing a happy mother because I can't stand what the substance is doing to the DH.

We start counseling thursday, keep you posted.

MC

Honestly I have to say it doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage to save. I must commend you for trying though. He sounds immature, addicted, needy and self centered. I'd have thrown him out on his hiney long ago!!

My first husband was also very abusive and I know exactly what it takes to get out of that situation. Congratulations to you for doing what you needed to do!

From what you have described I have to say that you should run like the wind! Even without the drug use, I'd say the same thing. The pot just seals the deal in my mind.

I am also a christian and I don't personally find divorce a problem. You are entitled to be happy. You've worked hard and been through so much. You deserve to be happy!!

Good luck finding your happiness.
P

I don't know what decriminalizing has to do with the issue. Alcohol is not illegal, and most people drink it with no problems.
But there are those that are affected by it in a bad way, become unhealthy to be around for others in the relationship.

This man is affected by his substance use. She states, when he doesn't have it, he's 'depressed' and 'half-empty'. He has an overall lack of responsibility for anything. He breaks promises. His memory is 'shot', she says.

Anyway, I'm glad you are going thru counseling. Maybe it will uncover whether he might be depressed or whether his behavior is due to the substance use.

How fast can you pack his suitcase and open the door?You do need to think about those Children.
MskeetPod

My first visit here since this forum has been reinstated....
Yes...you traded one abusive loser for for one who abuses you in a different way.
Dump him....no "I'll try to cut down"....just "out"...
It's just a matter of time until his pot addiction graduates to additional substances...if it already hasn't done so. Cut your losses and get out.
Then get some counseling to find out why you marry men who are unsuitable parent material.
Linda C

If he's willing to go to counseling great things could happen. I know a lot of men that wouldn't be willing to do that. I hope you can work it out.

You asked so I'm going to go against the grain here. Read your Bible if you are a Christian and see what it says for yourself about grounds for divorce. You can get a concordance and do a study on it if you really want to know.

Only you can live with your choices, and you need to have peace about your decision regardless of what you do. On the other hand separation while you are working on the relationship may be in order. If your kids, or yourself are in harms way you need to remove yourself and them.

You said:
"I thought that I could turn him around when I married him."

Then you said:
"he refuses, states that I was aware of it when we met, so I have the problem."

I think the above statements say it all. You knew what you were marrying, but were *hoping* he'd change. He hasn't. He probably won't.

Chelone took my words away from me. She said "run - run like the wind." I say, "run, run like hell!". Your life is going to be nothing but miserable with this jerk, not to mention what it's doing to your children. If you think for one minute that they don't know what's going on, then you need to think again.

all the facts you gave about depression are true, as I live with it every day. DH is not motivated to do much but a lot of it is because he's so exhausted after coming home from work but mainly it's the medications.

This man can't take medications even if they were prescribed because he's already taking drugs. Please get a divorce and find someone that is worthy of you and your children.

Run! Seriously. Cut your loses and get out of there. You may think this is as low as it can go, but people generally sink much further before they get better - if they get better. You owe it to your children to provide a house free of abusive and descructive behavior.

Besides, 11 and 12 are the ages that kids start doing drugs now. It may sound absurd, but it is the new reality. If you can tell he is smoking pot, the kids will be able to tell. Don't kid yourself.

I know it's been a while since anyone's posted, and I'm hoping Dusencha will still get this post and give an update.
I am a Christian as well and I agree with ponderinstuff. You are a Christian and need to research what the bible and God say about divorce. I am praying that counseling is working for the both of you and that he realizes what he is missing and losing out on by not changing. Addiction is incredibly powerful (I am an ex-drug addict and recovering alcoholic) in so many ways and I do pray that he is healed of his addiction. In today's society, so many people are too quick to say run when things don't work out like they thought.
As a Christian you also understand the power of God and what he can do to turn a person around.
Hoping for an update...........
Michael

It's been almost three weeks since Michael posted and we still haven't heard from you, Duscencha. If you get this, please post here and let us know you're all right.

Your story sounds like mine. Eight years ago after seven years of marriage I finally escaped. My ex never smoked in front of my daughter, but of course she knew what was going on. Fortunately, she has a good head on her shoulders and is now a better mother than I ever was. We have had long talks about this and she's told me how much she hated her stepfather. I feel so guilty for making her live in that environment.

After I left, my husband begged me to return. He started therapy, joined AA and claimed to be clean. Friends told me otherwise. Not even my leaving could shock him into cleaning up his act. It was hopeless. When I think of all the years I wasted putting up with his sh*#, it makes me sick.

If your husband has not turned over a new leaf by now and your marriage has not improved, do yourself and your children a favor and fly like the wind!

As a Christian (or any other religion), how could you even think of compromising on how much to let him smoke? Are you that desperate that you are willing to put your children in jeopardy?

You shouldn't even have to ask if this is a bad marriage. You know it is. And, I'll venture to say that he probably won't change. Get out now and make a better life for yourself and your children.

I truly hope that you work things out with the counseling, but I must say that I don't believe for ONE MOMENT that you didn't realize what was going on before you got married. Does this guy have a lot of money?

Your statements don't really jive either-----one moment he's a louse-------next moment he's a hard worker, etc. etc.

Again, I'm hoping this works out, but I must disagree with what one poster said about the religious aspect of divorce. There's more than ONE interpretation of divorce. Good luck to you and especially your innocent children.

Yellowhair, MANY spouses change after the wedding ceremony. I don't understand it, but it's true. They are on their best behavior up until it's legal. A person CAN be a louse and a hard worker too. There are many Jekyl and Hyde spouse stories out there, both male and female.

Now this is my way of thinking on this is...

Did he just start smokeing like this now. Was he smokeing
weed like this 4 1/2 years ago. Did you smoke weed with him
4 1/2 years ago?? Did you not know he smoked dope before you married him??

I was a dope smoker myself about 20 years ago. Im now 48 and have not smoked it in years.. Thanks to work drug testing
family, church.. I myself did some some on weekends with friends. Never at home near the kids.
Wife smoked at one time in college but when babys came
that, cigs, stopped. Never started nothing back which
is great.. I hated cig smoke, and that taste kissin.. nasty

Things need to change. You have kids and he has to be a example. You give it good shot let him know what he has to lose. It will be hard but you may have to do it if he can't.. At least you are trying and he should see it.
Some men are just past that stage and have can't stop it.

If a 40 year old man has been smokeing weed like this
for a while he still can change. It will be hard, you have to give him some incentive, yea I know do it for the kids, family la dee da. He has to see the light him self.
Now if you have had enough, you can not live with it tell him its his choice hit the door. Are you ready for that?
Can you handle the money loss. With your comment on
you really didn't love him was trouble from the get go.
Did he have pretty good money coming in that you liked?
Thought the love would come later? Not being mean just
speaking out aloud because we all care.

If he was this way when you married him and you thought you could change him it don't work that way to many times.
Have you smoked the weed with him?
I bet is safe to say he has been a smoker for awhile

Does he go to church with you? That really helped me alot. I realize time to change. God the family comes first.
I'm still not perfect I do have drink every now and then.
I make a few bad desions but not as many. Who is perfect.
If you can leave him and find that perfect man go for it.
Tell him time to give it up... Make a choice.

Now when I retire that's another story/
When Im a older man 62, got pleanty of money, comfortable.
The first thing Im gonna do is roll up a big ol
hog leg and get stoned. Get high laughin feeling good.
Praise the Lord take me as I am..

Get honey pie in bed whip that roasting ear out and go to town Humping to please.
Keep me a bag of dope, box of Viagra.. set me free baby.
hehehe.. am i sick puppy or what???

Fatdaddy

I have to be honest & say I didn't read the long post, BUT I know if you have to ask if you are in a bad marriage then you are.

Michie

Wow, you sound just like my sister did ten or fifteen years ago. Her husband worked hard laying carpet and smoked dope several times a day. They have four kids and I used to worry about them. She'd say they don't know about it, they were young, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and smoke it.

Then when the kids got older they'd recognize the smell and roll their eyes when Dad went into the bathroom again. But my sister said it wasn't that bad because the kids all knew it was wrong. Then when they were teens it was like they knew what he was doing so there was no need to go into the bathroom.

The boys would help their dad sometimes at work and they'd see him smoking it. But they were good kids, she said, so they knew better than to ever smoke it... blah blah blah.

Fast forward 5 years and guess how it turns out - yep, the three boys don't see anything wrong with smoking dope now. In fact one was caught in a police sting that "wasn't his fault" so he did time in jail for a year. The oldest smokes regularly and his girlfriend "his baby's mama" complains about him being unmotivated, doesn't feel like working or doing anything, etc.

All because my sister kept making excuses to keep from leaving. Oh, by the way she was a CHURCH SECRETARY and took the kids to church every Sunday and Wednesday night!

So if that's the way you want your kids to turn out, stay with the guy! Oh, and keep telling yourself it's not that bad and your kids aren't affected by what goes on in their home.

it's not the smoke, it's the slacker who's abusing it.

the prayer goes 'blessed art thou who has sanctified us by thy commandments, and given us the herb of the fields' by the way...

and 'treat your body as a temple' applies just as much to things like white sugar and Pringles as it does to anything else...

but as a long-term smoker with no other bad habits (don't even own a TV) I can tell you this-

you made a really, really bad choice. Raising your kids in an anarchist household that's centered around personal responsibility and an awareness of the actualy cost of bucking the law is one thing. raising them in an atmosphere of deception while you enable Mr Slacker to twist your guts in knots and drain your resources?

as a christian, your first concern should be for your own spiritual well-being, and that of your children.

unfortunately, religion is one more thing that makes a convenient excuse for not taking responsibility for your own situation...dude makes that pretty obvious, if he's talking about christ while sitting on his keister.

yes, I'm an opinionated twit...but I've also managed to sidestep most of the common potholes common to our generation.

and no, rehab's not going to help- if it were going to, he'd have put himself in the first time you brought it up as a problem.

#4 tells me all I need to know- he is neither a moral, nor an ethical man. and that trumps any good feelings you may have for him.

divorce him before he gets busted, and YOU lose your house AND your kids.

"3. He has absolutely NO sense of responsibility for his obligations as a homeowner, husband or step-father...."

after reading your post, I'd say the dope smoking is only a small part of his problems. I ask you to re-read your post. Or just re-read #3 and #4...it makes me think, "why does this woman even think the marriage SHOULD be saved?"

It sounds like you and your kids are gaining nothing (except financially) from being with this man. Get out! Show your kids that it's important to fight for a happy life.

I am single and 34 and hope to one day be married. But in reading your post it sounds like you should really take a few years to focus on yourself and your kids before you jump into another relationship. Past behavior usually predicts future behavior, and your track record on choices for husbands is not great. Please leave and work on finding out why you would A) choose to marry someone like this and subject your kids to him and B) Even consider STAYING in this terrible situation.

Best of luck. Being single isn't easy, but it's a heck of a lot better than what you have.
Erin

All i can text is RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

The best thing you can do is take a look at yourself. You must first identify why you allow yourself to get into situations that are detrimental to your well-being and the well-being of your children. Don't blame yourself for any past mistakes, just learn from them and move on. Oftentimes, in our state of bad relationships we seek emotional support, love and compassion from anyone that will offer it to us. Unfortunately, in the process, we miss a lot of the things that we should focus on...and then when we make choices in life we have to deal with them. But let me tell you one thing from one Christian woman to the next...the word of God says, we can look to the hills whence cometh our help because our help comes from the Lord. The Lord will heal you and strengthen during this time you need to make a major decision in your life. Cry out to God with a loud voice and he will incline to your ear. Many of us can give you advice, but the final decision must be yours to make. It is you that has to deal with the situation for the rest of your life. Take a moment to pray about the situation...go into your secret place and when you come out with the peace of God upon you...at that time, ask the Lord....what is the very next step you should take. I'll be praying for you.

Chinacat..."it's not the smoke, it's the slacker who's abusing it. the prayer goes 'blessed art thou who has sanctified us by thy commandments, and given us the herb of the fields' by the way... and 'treat your body as a temple' applies just as much to things like white sugar and Pringles as it does to anything else..."

You said it. I do know productive members of society who smoke, and I know others who abuse their bodies with food, abuse their minds with television. It's not the guns killing people, it's the people killing people.

That said, perhaps that is his one vice? If he works as hard as she says he does, he must need some time to relax. Also, is he a homeowner? I thought it was the OP's house. If it is, then expecting him to contribute and feel equal may be difficult.

Have you tried interesting him in exercise? That gives a great natural high. Does he have hobbies you could share?

If you're really not interested in being with him because he smokes, yet you knew he smoked, did not ever own a home, etc... prior to getting married, you set yourself up for failure. Don't blame him for your inability to change him. You married a bachelor who has the social and homemaking skills of a college student (no offense to college students!)

He doesn't want to grow up. You already have. Invite him to grow up with you, or get out. You deserve more, and your kids deserve more.

By the way, don't ever assume kids don't know what's going on. They will find out sooner or later, and you will have to reconcile the "don't do as I do (or DH does) but do as I say" and we know that never works.

I'm sorry, but you said to be frank. I mean no judgement. Best of luck to you.

dusencha - are you still here, 5 years later? Can you update us?

Suzie, I don't know how I missed the dates... I hope she's doing ok too!

So sad. I think she already knew when she asked the question, but didn't want to admit the answer. I hope that her life is much better and she's much happier now!