Sounds like you're really angry. That's never a good place to start a family from. ...I'd be angry too.

If the answer to the question "Are you better off with him or without him" is 'without', and "Are you better off with our without a kid" is 'without'...then...you have my support.

You and any children you might have deserve to be happy.

1) Get out.

2) Choose

Honestly, and sorry to say this, I think you sound hormonal. I hated my husband in the beginning of one of my pregnancies too. How long have you been married? How bad is the marriage? Sex problems can be worked on. The stuff you noted as his bad qualities seem like stuff people say when they are mad or just in a bad place. You tend to notice more bad things and less good things about people when you are mad.

I would bet maybe this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned and you may be in a mood both mentally and physically because of it.

If you haven't, I do think you should at least tell your husband that you are pregnant and try to make the best decision for you together. Keeping something like that from your husband just doesn't seem right even if does have his faults. Treat him with the same respect you think you deserve. Otherwise you can't really complain about him being disrespecful to you.

Have you considered trying counseling? It must be hard on you to think you have to make such drastic decisions about both your marraige and your pregnancy in such a short time. Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to?

Aisha..you sound like you have made up your mind.

You are sensible, and responsible in considering the life of your soon to be child. It will be tough, sounds like its for the best. You have to know in your heart that your actions are for the child. Sad as that may be.

Good luck.

I'm a little surprise some of you are suggesting that the OP should just leave her husband when her complaints sound so much like first year marriage coupled with pregnancy stuff.

"My husband as he is now, is not the guy I married. He is unsupportive, bad in bed (i feel like he is substituting me for the porno pigs he really wants to f@%K), and his mother is way too involved."

Is this the stuff people should get a divorce over?

Don't you think most married woman feel this way at some point during the first year of marriage? It's like the year of shock and enlightenment.

Unsupportive... let me guess he doesn't vaccum when you ask, forgets to wake up early on Sat to go with you to the flea market you wanted to go to, tells you to sshhh and turns up the news when you are trying to talk about your bad work day, and decides he's spending his long weekend going a a road tip with the boys to see the Cubs instead of going with you to visit your cousin. It may be disappointing, but that's married life and you learn to adjust. Expectations often fall short. But you learn what is important, what you can expect and how to communicate so you can get what you need and sometimes what you want.

I'm guessing the porno pig comment is really just an angry comment. Again, as discussed on other threads, many guys take their cues from porn movies; that's just how they learned - don't take it personally or hate him because of it. Unless he's cheating or has a major porn addiction problem, it's not something to consider divorce over. And, it's generally very fixable.

And, his mother being way involved... who doesn't complain about their MIL? In-laws often cause problems and husbands will almost always love their mothers and think they're 'all that' no matter what they do. It's just married life, and you learn to live with it.

You guys really think she should get a divorce with the info she provided? I'm just not seeing much here to leave over.

It's nice that she's considering her unborn child, but she shouldn't jump in a make a big mistake by divorcing her husband just because she's pregnant. That's almost what it seems like she's doing to me. It may "seem" responsible to deal with both her husband and her pregnancy together, but they really need to be looked at separately. And a divorce shouldn't be rushed into just because someone is pregnant.

I got pregnant 3 months after I was married. My first year of marriage wasn't fun in the least. I felt disappointed in my husband in many ways as the posters does, and was very scared by my life changing so drastically in such a short time. I blamed my husband for so many things that later I came to realize weren't even problems or even faults of his. I just hope the OP can talk to someone that knows her and her husband to see if her problems are as real as she thinks or possibly just due to her being newly married and newly pregnant. Things do usually get better, emotions calm down and adjustments are made that make married life seem more agreeable. At least give your marriage a little more time.

"You guys really think she should get a divorce with the info she provided?"

Yes.

If it's different from that...which is what your reply seems to be reaching for, even though it isn't there...perhaps she'll say so.

So, what specifically did she say about her husband that makes you think she should divorce him?

I'm not going to dance with you, Carla. OP provided about six sentences in total, all pretty clear and definite and specific. Seems to me they speak for themselves.

If you think they mean other than what they say -- as your post seems to indicate -- I guess we'll not share common ground on this one.

Oh, well, I took the OP sentences to mean exactly what they said too. I just didn't think they were divorcible offences. I didn't see abuse, cheating, lying, no sex ever, etc... I saw only common everday type problems most married people complain about and/or learn to deal with.

I just see a woman who I'm guessing has been married about 3-4 months (please correct me if I'm wrong) who is disenchanted (like many) by married life and totally caught off guard by an unexpected pregnancy. Her emotions/hormones are at a peak if she's in between her 5-10th week (which again I'm assuming) and she's magnifying newlywed type problems that will probably subside within a few months on their own.

This is almost exactly the type of situation I was in, so I really think I can relate to the OP and offer some good advice. I don't think I'm reaching here; I really think I understand at least partially where she is coming from. I don't think things are anywhere near as bad as they seem, and I think she may realize that once she gets over the hump. I actually now laugh at some of the stuff I got mad about during that time period (well, honestly I feel sort of bad about it), but let's just say, at the time I thought my husband was an inconsiderate SOB, I regretted marrying him, and he spent a lot of nights on the couch. But, now over 10 years later, I'm actually wondering how my husband could have put up with me during that time. It's hard to go through both a new marriage (with all it's problems) and a unplanned pregancy at the same time. There's just too much change happening too quickly. And, that first year's often a b!tch. Things get better, though, a lot better. Marriages go through a lot of storms; just don't give up so easily.

I don't know how long the OP dated her husband and I don't know how long she's been married, but again, if it's only been a fews months, I think she needs to give the marriage a real chance. She's not just dating him; she's married.

Here's a fun link for those of you that are new to, or who have never experienced first hand a pregnant woman and her hormones...

Here is a link that might be useful: Pregnancy Hormone Stories

It makes me quite angry when a woman says she's disillusioned & not happy & someone pooh-poohs it & says it's hormones.

Since the monthly cycle involves hormonal fluctuations almost every day, that argument could be, & has been, used to prevent women from controlling their own money, driving a car, holding a job, voting, being considered competent to testify in court or serve on juries...
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Aisha,
I was married a long time ago.
The marriage lasted 5 long years, & the only thing that I achieved by staying that long was that I wasted 5 years & got 5 years older.

I wish I had gotten out as soon as I realized that my mother-in-law was way too involved & that my husband was a spoiled brat.

& I'm very very happy that there were no children when we finally did divorce.

I do not believe that I am hormonal.

My husband and I were together for a little over a year and a half before we married, during which time i dealt with some normal relational issues between us, working what is expected of each or our roles before the marriage, and things were going quite smoothly until a few months after the "i do's".

I think that he thinks I am trapped with him, or he has me for good or something, because now I he behaves as if my existence is for his convenience, and no carla35, I do not require that he help me vacuum.

I feel that I have rights to my life as I need it in my own home, but him and his mom believe that it is my role to continue in MIL role and to add insult to injury, exactly the way she does them, I am more than really sick of being outnumbered, out voted and trumped in myn own existence.

Yes my mind is more than made up, My heart and mind is more than out of this stinking mess, and I have noted that no one has honestly said that they have been where I am now and successfully overcome all of these issues.

I do not want his mother fathering my child.

I do not want him touching me, being his wife has done nnothing but rob me and cost me what I was not willing to pay for HIM.

I do not want to be conntected to these people in any way, I want to sever all ties, completely, and never see them again.

He does not stand up for me, even when I pointed out that he loved me the way was before the wedding, but now he needs me to be what someone else wants. I even demanded that he stand up and man up for his decision in a wife, but nothing.

MIL is in an unhappy marriage herself, my FIL plays golf on the weekends and travels all the time for business, and treats her as though she is amply paid his conveniences when he returns home.

Her son is honestly the last man in her family that really loves her and wants to make her happy, and upon sincerely assessing the situation I feel sorry for her, but am not willing to fight a man's mother for him, while fighting for my life and then adding havving to fight for my will in the life of my child on top of this.

THIS IS TOO MUCH, I am going to LA with my brother and a friend for a week to have the abortion, and then divorce.

I have already put my money away in the name of my brother, and my share of the family business was put in my mother's name when I realised that I was unhappy and has no help in a three party marriage.

I AM DONE WITH THIS.

I mean has anyone succeeded in sucha situation? I mean anyone!!?

Oh, we have actually been married for three years during which time I have tried several things to make our lives together work. This pregnancy is just the proverbial straw.

Things will change NOW one way or another.

Hi Aisha -

I read thru the responses and the back in forth as regards the issues/non issues involved in your marital situation. I can understand why some of the posters see this as a workable problem.

However, I think that you have already made your mind up and have fallen out of love. You seem to have been unhappy for sometime. But, then, how did you wind up engaging in a sexual act which resulted in pregnancy if you dislike DH so much? I can understand why you would want to go for an abortion. Doing so would guarantee that you would never have to see DH again. I am sorry that it happened so for you. Although your mind is set on it, I hope you will talk to a professional about it in advance.

Your heart seems firmly set on proceeding forward with abortion and divorce. You are doing so on the sly of your DH. I think that your life must be very stressful right now as you make your plans.

I think you came here to get affirmation for the two serious decisions you will soon be acting on. No one can give you absolute permission or validate your decisions.
If you are firmly resolved that you do not want to continue on in this marriage and do not want to try to fix it then moving on is the right thing to do for you. I am just very sorry that a pregnancy occurred at the same time that you decided that the marriage was a mistake.

In any event, I wish you all the best and hope that you do not sustain more trauma as you separate and start a new life.

Given all that you've said, I think you are making the right decision for you and your life, and congratulate you for having the courage to make that decision and act on it. Too many people waffle and delay until they feel they no longer have a choice, then sit around and moan about how their lives have 'turned out' as if they were still stuck.

Best wishes for your new life --

I disagree that all women or even most women feel like OP at ANY point in their marriage. I never felt that my husband would rather be with a porn star than me. I never have felt unsupported. My in-laws are not over involved (neither are his in-laws). If most women feel this way, then what a sad sad sad world and what a bunch of sad women.

I offer my best wishes and the most of luck.

I do think a chat with the husband prior to all this being set in motion would be a good move.
He is probably feeling very torn between his Mother and his wife - to me his decision is easy - he should stick up for his wife, but it can't be easy.

At least let him know what you are planning. It's only fair.

"Honey, I'm going to get an abortion, then I'm leaving you."

Uh... Why? So he can try to persuade her not to? Or maybe so he can rearrange the finances to his advantage.

If OP can't face raising a child with this man and isn't planning on having the baby OR staying married, then I think this is one 'problem' that's best to duck. Yes, it's a 'lie by omission,' but certainly kinder than the truth. What can possibly be gained by telling a man "I'm pregnant with your child but I'm not keeping it"?

I am confused...How long have you been married? 3 years or a few months? You said your feelings changed when you married...

Didn't you just post the below about your "fiance" being a good humble MAN this past Sept.? and asking how to univite your BD to your wedding? When did you start hating your husband? It sounded like you were in love with him in Sept.

What am I reading wrong?

I wish you the best of luck. But, I think you may regret your decisions, because I do not think they are being made rationally. I think indirectly your anger and hatred towards your in-laws are controlling your decisions. I would never let them have that much power over you and your actions. Decide what is best for you personally, without bringing in hatred towards them. It's one thing to factor things in, it's another to make rash decisions based mainly anger on emotions.

and p.s.: I didn't think I was hormonal either, but like it or not, medically, you are. Do some real medical research if you don't believe me. Now, I'm not saying your opinions aren't right or just, but if you are pregnant and in your early weeks, your hormone levels are very different than usual. It's a fact, not meant to be an insult. It's just to let you know that things may seems worse now than they really are, and that you may be way more emotional than usual -- you may cry and may even laugh a lot easier. If anything, call your OB's office and ask about it.

Here is a link that might be useful: Step Parent Post

carla35, Sorry for the confusion, but i am not the original poster who used this id in the past. I am a friend of hers, and she suggested I use this forum to help with this issue. I did not make my own ID because I have to submit my own email address to sign up and I didn't want to do that, she allowed me to sign in with hers. That this would be misleading is not something that we considered. I was just maintaining my anonymity.

A total of three people are aware of my pregnancy, two of which are blood related, and for the record the last time we had sex was over 6 weeks ago so I am that pregnant.

I have considered my husband's feelings and other posssible effects so this is why i haven't let him know of this.

I stupidly told DH about me going to LA, suggesting that it must come as a badly needed rest for both of us, he actually said that he will miss me, and his mom wouldn't think I should leave him for that long.

This has been a sureal process, kind of, first things are great, we fell in love, we're happy and worked on being happier.

We married, moved to continue our lives, then things start going wrong, and it took me a while to realise that I wasn't the one who was wrong, but that something was fundamentally wrong.

Then I identified the source of the problem and proceeded to correct it, which I now equate to bangign my head against a brick wall, because I guess his mom's happiness is more important than mine while of course his life goes on as he needs it to.

It has occured to me that he may not be completely lacking love for me, but still, his love must be incomplete if it is so easy for me to be sacrificed for everyone to be ok.

My brother told me that I didn't bring him into this world so I don't owe him this kind of sacrifice, and since our therapist cannot help me deal with the pregnancy and what it means to my life and future (because I haven;t told them) then this forum is the only place for me to get bipartisan information from real married people on this issue.

Another friend suggested that I am acting cornered, but since I can only terminate my pregnancy within the first three months, and not doing so means I am attached to these people forever, I feel that a drastic change must take place or I will have to make my escape somehow.

Short of killing MIL, what else can I do.

I am angry, and hurt, and resentful that I am in this situation, but still don't believe that my huband knowing will change anythign in my favor, and will only make the divorce uglier than I think it will be without an abortion as an issue.

And with what sweeby said about him simply persuading me into staying if he knows what I am thinking, I believe that he will simply improve for a while and then what?

this is a lost cause.

thanks to all posters, and to carla35 for wanting to save this marriage( even though you thought I was someone else).

But difficult situations turning into what you need them to be is what fairytales are made of.

aisha,

I feel your pain. When I was pregnant with my child I was in a similar situation as you. I had been with the guy about 3 years, though we were young and not married. It was around Christmas and I had reached my point of misery with my ex, I finally got the courage to tell him it was over and I was moving out. He begged me to stay until after the holidays. We were living together at the time and I agreed. I figured it would give me time to get my own place.

Well I found out I was pregnant during this time. In my mind I thought about how easy it would be to abort the baby and not tell him and get on with my life without him. I loved his family, so my situation was a little different than yours. But I dreaded staying with him and I dreaded raising a child on my own. I ended up telling him I was pregnant. He begged me to stay with him and we could work things out. I stayed a little over a year. Things were good for a few months and then they went back to miserable. Then I left him when our child was 4 months old (which was much harder than if I would have left him way back when...).

Now I have a 9 year old child who I love more than life itself and I always think about how much I would have missed with this child not in my life. My decision to keep my child and then eventually leave his father was a lot harder than the alternative, but I do not regret it. My ex and I get along now and are both wonderful parents to our child. He does do stuff to tick me off sometimes and in the perfect world I would have loved for my child to live with both of us. But things just did not work out. Not all relationships/marriages with children end as well as mine did. My ex sees our child a lot, pays support, and all in all is a good dad. On the other hand I do have friends who have had bitter custody battles over children and had their ex's not pay court ordered child support but still get visitation. It can be messy.

You are in a rough spot and nobody can make the decision for you. I do have a few friends who have had abortions though. One of them regrets it and had complications during the abortion and is unable to have any children now. She thinks about the baby she could of had often. I have another friend who does not regret her decision and has gone on to happily marry and have kids. It is a personal choice only you can make. Good luck and please let us know what happens!

LOL... aisha's friend... You certainly had me me fooled with your use of "real MAN" verbage if nothing else. I could swear you were the same person. Guess you know where to find a real MAN if you're looking for a new one.. because it sounds like aisha's MAN is a keeper (maybe he's got a brother)... just kidding.

Hope things go well with you. I'm in the camp of telling your husband. Well, because he is your husband and I take it you willingly slept with him. Then again, I'm not afraid of confrontation and no one could talk me out or into anything if I thought it was right for me. I just think if you do decide afterall not to leave your husband that something like not telling him about it is unforgivable (unless he is physically abusive or something to that effect).

Even if he gets mad at you for having an abortion, the trust issue isn't totally severed if you've told him. It's what integrity is all about... just because you are afraid he may try to talk you out of it (DUH) isn't really a good excuse for not being honest with him about it. Life is full of hard choices, hard conversations, and hard decisions. It takes a mature person to be able to handle them all and not run away from a converstation because it may be hard. You get to make the decision, but a husband (even the worst momma's boy) should at least be informed, IMHO.

I still think you're rushing the divorce. Have you even talked to a divorce attorney? Do you know when your husband will be served after you file (a day, a week, a month), etc.. do you have a plan for that? Have you saved up some "mad" money (cash). How much does it cost to retain your lawyer -- do you have access to that money? A lawyer should be able to advise you with the best way to protect your accounts and finances before you file. People going through divorces usually consider and plan these things out in advance, not after the fact. Don't let your emotions get the best of you; you sincerely need to think through this type of stuff before you act. Maybe you have thought it all though and talked to a lawyer... I hope that's the case for your sake.

ok... weighing in on this...

first off... I've been married for 16 years, and we have known each other for 22 years, lived together for 5 before getting married, got pregnant right after the wedding (6 weeks later)....

People can and do change... My husband changed dramatically AFTER the birth of our first (we have 3) child... basically, I have been a single parent. While he certainly indicated a desire for children, he has never wanted them to impact his life in any way, shape or form...

We both held exterememly well paying professional positions. 6 months after our second child I quit my job as I could no longer handle the level of effort for the job and single handedly being responsible for two young (infant and 2yo) children... I was getting up at 5:30 to get myself ready for work, and then waking up one child and getting htem ready and then reapeating with the other, to drop them off at day care and commute to be at work by 8, and then leaving work at 5 to pick them up by 6:30 to bring them home, feed them, bathe them, and put them straight to bed... my 2 children were spending less than 8 waking hours in 5 days time with a parent... My husband did and sitll travels for almost the entire week... I couldn't handle this by myself and we live no where near any relatives, some friends in the area, mostly work associates however, and no support network for me...

Fast forward to present ... children are 15, 13, and 9... husband still travels for most of the week, he has been having an affair for the last 2+ years with the same woman... takes his vacation time to spend with her, not with his "family" tells me and the children he's working when he does this... but I know and have known for a while...

If I knew then what I know now I would have gotten out of here years ago... as it stands right now, he has us so financially bound up there is realistically no way I can leave him without throwing all of us into a financial nightmare... I'm not willing to do that...

His "reasons" for all this include... I spend too much time with the children... I didn't stay in a professional capacity... I don't act like I love him....

Well gee... let's take these one at a time... since he spends NO time with his children, I am trying to cover for both parents with 3 children... this takes TIME... most of which happens during the week when he is not home anyway...
I quit my job... ummm.... since you weren't helping with anything... how did you expect me to stay in a job that was extremely comparable to yours (I also traveled several days per week prior to children... had to change jobs around after the first one)... oh yeah... probably couldn't stay travelling huh??? duh! Oh... yes and I don't act loving.. I give what I get... maybe if you weren't expending on the girlfriend you could expend at home??? maybe even with your children once in a while???

anyway... enough of my life... aisha... do not expect things will get better... if you are unhappy now... and you sound like you are... at a minimum do not keep your child... IF you decide to birth it... there are plenty of willing adoptive couples out there... if you decide to terminate... that's your choice and I would never judge that... but... do not stay thinking things will change for the better... the odds of that are slim at best... I thin MOST couples will agree that relationships have ups and downs... but when the down times pull you down a lot further than the up times lift you up... it's time for some serious re-examination of the relationship... and don't cloud that with a child...

My 2 cents.... I wish you well

now, plumbly,

You've given some really good solid reasons why you should get a divorce. Sadly, I think 10 years from now you're going to be saying you wish you had left 10 years ago. I'm not sure why you could have left earlier, but can't now. I know finances are always an issue, but how would that be different if you left 8 years ago? You may have to adjust your standard of living, but I would think you should be able to make it in some way. Husband's pay support usually. I would at least talk to a lawyer. No husband should treat his wife and family the way he is treating you; and by allowing it you are setting a bad example for your children even if you don't realize it. People always have options... Still thinking though I don't think the OP's husband sounds anywhere near as bad as yours - not really sure they're even comparable. Good luck to you; you really need to make a break.

I decided to take the advice of those who say my DH should be made aware although in part, and I threw out (theoretically, of course) in our last therapy session yesterday that motherhood in this marriage as it is would be impossible, if nothing more than a slow death for me, and I would never do so.

Well this created a whole big mess, he accused me of not understanding what his family has been through, and of hating his mom who was put through soooo much to raise them, adn how much he owes her.

I had to let him know that good mothers actually raise their children to independence and lives that are better than theirs, they do not raise their kids and then guilt them into spending their lives for herself. She isn't a mother she is in fact a black hole.

I am no martyr and I am not willing to be sacrificed for some unhappy housewife.

Fortunatly our therapy sessions are in the morning, so I was able to move him into another bedroom during the day.

Dummy was a little shocked when he got home, but said nothing and spent the rest of the day in complete silence, and for some reason MIL didn't come over or call.

The sad fact as I lay alone in bed for the first time in a long time is that it FELT SOOO GOOOOD!

We haven't spoken since yesterday, and I couldn't be happier.

I really don't love him.

I have to add that plumbly22s situation is what I fear, existing in a marriage with someone so out of tune to my needs, because someone else is more important, cannot possibly yield anything good or joyous in life.

I am afraid of being tied to something like this, and then ending up in some nasty custody battle, because who knows what MIL will want for my child.

Sheesh plumbly, your situation is really resonating in my head, but I dont think the answer is to turn your life upside down and leave just yet.

Leaving would end him using his family for his convenience, but it will not exactly help your personal life, except to leave you with more burdens in a more difficult situation. You should get your life arranged first (which is what I am trying to do right now), get a mommy make over, buy the bulk pack of rubber gloves and keep you nails done, I mean start with little things to make you feel good about you, get a nanny then join some book, or fitness, or something club.

Meet new people, and maintain enjoying your personal life in areas your kids cannot fulfil you. I mean worst case scenario you end up like my current MIL, yuck, you dont want to feel owed in life do you?

He has his life arranged just the way he wants it so you should do the same while you have access to the funds and your kids in a secure situation enough to make these changes for you.

Then when you get you fully in order, with a better social network, and looking good to, get proof of his adultery, and punch him in the gut with it. But dont leave except to really make your life better, reduce him to your convenience.

Aisha's friend? I am really stuck on "and how much he owes her." He doesn't owe her anything. We raise our children out of a selfless place and everything is for them to have a better life. A man leaves his mother when he takes a wife. He doesn't quit loving his mom; she needs to get that in her head. He needs to get that in his head. He doesn't have to choose. But, he owes YOU his life. If he can't see that, he doesn't know who is sitting right in front of him. You deserve better. A better him or a better situation; however it works out. You are right, just reassuring you.

I am leaving for my week in LA tomorrow.

I still don't know everything, I am don't know that I am absolutely right, but I feel that at least this one decision is right, and that is the general consensus that I have received from this forum, even from the men.

I kind of feel like I am outside of myself looking in, I am actually in this position, but not completely on my own.

Thanks to all posters.

aisha,

If you are not already gone, I hope things go well for you, but certainly hope you aren't making your decisions based soley on the concensus here. We don't know you or the specifics behind your problem to make such important decisions for you. I doubt anyone wants to take responsiblilty especially for you having an abortion. That is a deicision only you will have to live with for life. So you should make your own decision on that, not rely on a tally count here.

Plus, I think there was only one man who answered here... Rob is a girl; you can see her "Not my pants in my closet" post. Maybe you can talk to your brother who may really know your situation a little better. Sorry to say, but a lot of people on this marriage forum are in bitter or have had bitter type relationships and IMHO are a little too negative about marriage as a whole. I still think things can be worked out in your marriage; MIL problems are usually solvable, IMHO.

Have a safe trip. Hopefully, you will check in and let us know how things are going with you.