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Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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Posted by
Karen10125 (
My Page) on
Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 14:37
| my husband had an online affair a couple years ago with someone he knew many years before and reconnected with on FB. It lasted for about 4 months before he made a mistake and got caught and I saw a message that I shouldn't have. He's truly sorry and has done everything he can to regain my trust. I believe our marriage is good now, but what I can't stop thinking about is would this have gone to a physical encounter had he not been caught. There were discussions of business trips and that sort of thing, but he claims it was only to make the online chat fun and exciting, that it was never actually going to come to that. There were also some phone calls. What do you think? I'm especially interested in what the guys on this forum think. I just need to know, I think I already do though :( |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| If it is truly over, and he has really done everything that he can to repair it, then you need to stop agonizing over it, forgive him, and move on. If you cannot do that, then you will never love him like you should. My wife of 20 years never forgave me for the tiny little slights I committed against her. We had no abuse issues,drugs, or money problems. Instead, we had tiny little issues. But she never forgave me for ANY of them. She convinced herself that she does not love me anymore, and she ended up having an emotional affair (or possibly more) and perhaps may still be involved to some extent. I don't know for sure. But one thing I have learned, is that to deny forgiveness is to plan for a breakup. If he's honest and good to you now, then forgive, and move on. If not, the bitterness in you will destroy your relationship. You need to decide what you will do. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| thank you OldXRGuy, First I am very sorry about your own situation, I will pray for you. I know you are right. I know that I only have two options, forgive him completely or move on. There's no in between. I do realize that. I think however that in order to forgive him completely, I need honesty. For me, as much as it might hurt, I'd rather just hear the words "yes, I would have eventually met her in person and there would have been intimacy". I think knowing the truth gives me back some of the ownership i feel I lost in my marriage. Does this makes sense? And then maybe I'll never know the truth and i just need to forget about it instead of putting myself thru this. It's hard though. I do love him very much though and I know he feels the same. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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Karen,
I understand the desire to know everything that happened.
But I also know that focusing on the unknown takes away from your ability to focus on him, and your marriage, now. I thank you for your prayers. I wish a million more people would pray for us too. And since you mentioned it, I will follow your spiritual lead and tell you that I watched the movie "Fireproof." I am currently doing the Love Dare. (Day 6.) I suggest you do the same. When you see what God's plan for marriage is, and understand the roles of husband & wife, you'll see how to prevent ever having another issue like this again. You may also find a couple other books relevant. "The Resolution for Men," and "The Resolution for Women." They also have some very telling words about forgiveness. If you both read these books, and talked them over with one another, I believe it would be extremely powerful for your marriage. I believe the details in his past would fade to irrelevance for you. God Bless You and your Husband. I will Pray mightily for you and your husband too! |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| Thank you so much OldXRGuy for the movie and book recommendations, I already placed an order. And thanks especially for your prayers. Best of luck to you, I hope your wife realizes you deserve another chance. We all do. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| It is likely that if the relationship had become physical...you would have repared your relationship just as you did with the emotional betrayal. You can turn anyone into a total "monster" with what ifs, so best to leave what never happened alone. Either you have repaired, or you haven't - if you haven't, know that you can. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| thank you amyfiddler for your words of wisdom, i appreciate it. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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Do you think that it would have turned physical? I mean you read a message...did it seem like they were headed down that road?
Does it matter, since it didn't actually happen that way? Nobody truly wants to hear their significant other say, yes I wanted to sleep with this other person...So why ask a question you don't really want the honest answer to? I will never understand this about people. If you are happier not knowing the truth, then why seek it? |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| I'm NOT happy not knowing the truth, that's just it. Yes I do believe if this had continued and opportunity had presented itself for an in-person encounter (they live in different states) there would have been a physical affair. He says no, of course he does, but he also said that during this time he did fantasize about this person from his past. Anytime he tells me the truth, I feel a lot better because when this happens to you, the worst part of it all (at least for me) is the deception. So once the truth comes out, I feel that at least I'm no longer being deceived. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but it's how I feel. |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| The truth helps build trust. So yes that makes sense. Are you continuing to hold on to the what if? |
RE: Online Affair and What Could Have Happened
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| My mother gave me a very good suggestion when I was moaning about my husband. She said: "You are dwelling on his faults, not his good characteristics, think of the good things he does for you" That changed my outlook on all the problems I have had with people. |
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