bestyears, I am with you on the intense need to plan. My older DS always knew what he wanted to do careerwise, knew he wanted a small liberal arts college, and knew he wanted to be in New England. That narrowed down our search very nicely so it was easy to make "the list." Fast forward, he dropped out freshman year, but that's another story, which some of you already know. Second DS, who is now a junior like your DD, has changed his mind several times about what he thinks he'd like to do. He has also changed his mind about location -- first it was "no way am I staying in Boston" (where we live) and now it's "I really like Northeastern." To make matters more interesting, this is the year where he has somewhat dropped the ball academically, bringing his GPA down several points thank you very much. This is my super-conscientious child who until this year, never got a grade below a B with maybe one exception. So our "list" keeps changing. He says he is bringing his GPA back up this semester. Let's hope. He also is now saying going to school in Boston would not be a bad idea, because he really doesn't like to fly (he was, actually still is, looking at a few schools in Chicago and DC). Six months ago, he only wanted to look at big schools in big cities. Now he wants to look at smaller schools in Maine. He is all over the place! We did the Johnson O'Conner aptitude testing last year. Link is below. We did it with our older DS too. We all found it fascinating, actually, and DH and I have both said we'd love to take it ourselves. However, up until that time, DS wanted to be a teacher. He has worked at an elementary afterschool program since 6th grade (first as volunteer, now as a paid teacher). He just has a knack for working with kids. When we met with the guy who did the testing, he told my son he would not enjoy teaching, he'd be bored, etc. Even though we told DS he should follow his heart and do what he loves, he soon after decided that teaching wasn't for him and that he wanted to major in business (which actually was not one of the top few career choices for him, though I think management was on the list somewhere). So right now, he's still saying business/market research, and every once in a while I say "...but you should look at schools that have education programs just in case." Anyway, I guess my point is that I am pretty sure my DS really has no idea what he wants to do. and we are basically looking at mostly larger schools that have a lot of options! Also, I think another good way to explore possibilities is through some kind of summer program. My DS worked at a music summer camp last summer and LOVED it (of course, because he is meant to be a teacher). But this summer he wants to explore the other side, so he will be an intern at an investment firm. I think for him, this is a fantastic idea, because he will see if working in that atmosphere is actually appealing to him or not. I have now been through this twice (one more to go) and I think junior year is the worst stage of parenting! Here is a link that might be useful: testing

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.

I know when you're right in the midst of it, every day must seem like an eternity, but really, the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling with you suggests that he wants your family to work out and be happy. Yes, I got that the affair was with his ex. Ouch and ouch again! But, I will say (and not to excuse it AT ALL, I would have been a BANSHEE if my DH did that!!) that when people are in the divorce process, things are messy, messy, messy. And despite all the best advice to not get involved with a recently divorced person, and to not get involved with a new romance when you are recently divorced...the heart sometimes makes these choices for us! And even when the new partners are head over heels, there are sometimes these tendrils from the old relationship that cling...especially when there are kids. I would ask--does your DH seem like he knows that what he did was hurtful to you? Has he learned by the outcome of the lies? Again, not to excuse his deceitfulness, but sometimes people panic and say what they WISH was true, hoping not to hurt the person they love. I think when you guys go to the counselor, that you should lay it on the line really early that you are worried about how the relationship between your son and your husband will affect your little boy. You said your husband admitted that he never built a relationship with your son. The fact that he admits it is good--he is capable of looking at the problem. The sad fact is, that happens! Especially when the bioparent is racked with guilt. The question is, does your DH feel bad about that? Is he motivated to improve the environment that your little boy lives in? Can the counselor help him see the effect his closed-off heart is having on a little person who looks up to him? I've seen a lot of families where things don't "jell" until an "ours" baby comes along. That might make a huge difference...all of a sudden, your DH will be related by blood connection to your son through his new child. Of course, you will want to make it clear that your son will NOT be the odd man out in the family! That this will not be acceptable in any shape, size or form. Hopefully the counselor can help you get some communication going on that. And hopefully you have a good sense of your own power in the dynamic...that you can compromise, but that doesn't equal sucking up treatment that you think is wrong. Eggshells belong in the compost heap. I really am a strong believer in stepfamilies...but the birth pains can be intense. To an extent I experienced some of what you are going through; it broke my heart at first that my DH didn't love my kids as much as he loved his own. Even though if I was honest with myself, I was the same way! But through the years of us consciously trying to do what was best for the kids, barriers of genetics fell, and like a broken bone, our family is stronger for the growing. Gradually, my DH became the "softy" with my kids, and they are all very devoted to each other now. Wishing the best for you and your little guy and SKs and the new little family member on the way.

My advice would be a bit different(sorry didn't read all the comments though..)..try to find out about a family therapy/marital counseling program near you..some universities and colleges offer that. Google the program, and google the professors there. The teachers are usually people with tons of experience..and usually very smart too. If they are not open to seeing new clients themselves-they will know whom to recommend. If that somebody is less experienced-know that he gets a lot of instruction and insight..and even sometimes if he himself is a big name already:) That's how it goes in this field. The person sitting across you should be very smart..and you should have a chemistry with him/her so to say..something intangible. You'll feel pretty soon whether you want to continue or not. Don't quite give up if not-no two therapists are the same, thus, no experience would be the same. It's often that in case of group/family therapy you can have two therapists, not one. You can get lucky just going through your insurance provider's list. You never know. And last but not least: their role is not to "save" your marriage. Their role is to help you to arrive to a decision, whatever it is. ` Sometimes you'll see what they try to do, it will be very transparent. Which is okay-it can be helpful the same way as if it was a magic wand:) Sometimes you'll be puzzled. That's great too. The important thing: if you're both there and both want to continue to come..you're on the road. Together. Because it's not a given, not at all.