"he is resentful toward me because he says I am not respectful to him in that I don't always make my older children comply with his wishes regarding chores around the house and such. That is what, according to him, is 100% to blame for our marital problems." So, according to this logic, that then made it OK for him to have an affair? Interesting logic. How would he feel if his lack of affection led you to seek it elsewhere? I thought so. Different attitudes to child raising are often a big cause of discord in blended families. However, the usual solution is to talk it out and compromise, not go off and have an affair. And how can he argue that his lack of affection and emotional affair are not at least partially to blame for your marital problems? I guess his position would be that your perceived lack of respect for him led him to behave that way, but c'mon, he's a grown up. That's a really juvenile response to an issue, right up there with taking your bat and ball and stomping off home. "if I am wrong in thinking if HE should initiate the affection between us?" Do you mean, should affection between you _only_ be initiated by him, or do you mean, are you wrong in wishing he would sometimes instead of you having to do it all the time? (And what is his response if you do attempt to initiate affection between you? Acceptance? Rejection?) He is being controlling with the attitude "I can be loving toward you, when I get the respect I deserve." At what point will he decide he has his required level of respect? The other points I made in my first reply still hold.

Elegant1, your husband does sound like a jerk. An adult should never treat another adult the way he treated you. I don't want this to sound like I am taking his side. What he said was completely wrong. The next question is why might have he said this. I can see a side to what he said that I have felt (but knew better than to ever say out loud). From talking to my buddies...I bet more than one guy has felt that way at least once in a while. I recently checked out this forum after having marriage problems myself. I find it very interresting to see a different perspective to things. You ladies do look at things a whole lot different than a guy does. Communication seems to fail a lot of people (I am still trying to communicate with my wife). In your post, you stated that he never asks for it (sex). It is not always easy to "ask" for sex. It would be great if my wife made the first move once in a while. In the past (years ago) she would hint that having sex would be nice...and then it was up to me to take the ball from there. I am not sure it is true for every guy...but at least for me sex has two parts...and physical part and a mental part. I can "hand'le" the physical part much faster and easier than having sex. What makes it worth while is the mental part. If things become routine...or lack any excitement....it is just easier for me to deal with things myself. Don't get me wrong...things don't have to be a three ring circus every time. It is just nice to be suprised or not have sole responsibility to make things all wonderful. Elegant1, you are correct in saying you are empowered by this. he has communicated (very poorly) that he desires more out of your sex life as well. The trick is to use this information in a manner to get the romance you desire.

Scarlett, it sounds like your intuition tells you that this "counselor" isn't going to work for you. In order to be licensed as a marriage and family therapist in California (the ones with MFCC after their names), one must have extensive clinical experience, pass a standardized licensing exam, and have numerous hours of supervision. That said, though, counselors can come in a variety of specializations and schools of thought. In my line of work I frequently make referrals to therapists and psychologists, and I always suggest that people a) take the time to visit more than one counselor if they don't feel like the first one is a fit - everyone's different, and finding a good match (for both spouses) is key to success in therapy; and b) try to get personal referrals from friends - those can often be good leads. Also, reputable clinicians consider it unethical for a therapist to tell a client what he/she/they should do or what their problem is after one meeting. A quality therapist should facilitate the process of people discovering things for themselves. I hope you don't feel too discouraged after this first interchange, and I think it's great you took that step. I encourage you to keep at it until you find the one that's right for you both.

I know how you feel except I married a man with three kids two 8 years old and one 11 year old daughter from the moment we were married she was needy and all attention from her daddy was hers so much that her brothers were afraid to hold hands with their dad because she controlled him, had a emotional hold. My husband was married to me not his daughter. At the time I didn’t understand it was hard for her share her dad but she came between us and sometimes I wonder if that’s what happened with his first wife expect I don’t allow it to ruin our relationship. I thought she was telling the truth for along time. We started a relationship with my step daughter that I thought was honest but manipulated me in believing in her and she would lie about why she was late after school, she was going to her friends house then homework club and hanging out with a boy that I think started this mess or temptations sexual acts in order to be with boy and kiss boys all I know is because I told her couldn’t date until she 16 she disobeyed and did anyways. She was the one who didn’t want anything to do with her mentally, manipulative mother now she’s apparently been communicating with her for two and half years and has told people I abuse her and control her and cage her up. She tells people these things to get attention her mother played on me and her dad that she better and moving out into apartment and she lied she was still in metal home so her daughter has learned and since then taught her brothers steal and lie and now talk back, her brother have intellectual disabilities on top of that which puts more strain on me as step parent but what changed was when I had baby of my own my husband became a husband in since and he started a better commitment then just bending to his daughters will our baby in Since saved our marriage and my husband also had addictions that She got him started on and it changed once Elizabeth was born he became the man I married if he will. Savannah came between us and we got along but it was difficult road. Our love became stronger and My step daughter sought for attention else where by a guy she became involved with in sex texting and they since he has broken up with her twice and is trying again because I finally gave consent for her to date because she sneaking behind our backs and lying and I knew it was matter of time that she would be pregnant because she was desperate to be with him. He’s not a guy I like but I don’t like secrets and my step daughter also tells our bishop I fight with her and I do not. I used to slap her but I stopped doing that when she called the police over in hope her dad would divorce me and she would have his attention again yes I know one believes me because she’s that good at manipulating people in believing she does nothing but I since learned manipulaters know how to push your buttons to send you over edge. I was already being gaslighted by my step son and I don’t know why but I found since then I tested him and found he has a intellectual mild and a behavioral disorder and I have changed emotionally since he started messing with my mind it’s called gaslighting and now since then I had emotional breakdown and teens used that push my buttons. It’s exhausting, it got worse when I was pregnant because I was more emotional and I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted but my pregnancy changed me I was irritable and emotional and I was tired more from being sick and jaylan stealing and throwing tantrums and kicking me but know one believes me because I’m the parent it’s my fault they act this way. When I came into my marriage I was not only a step parent but I was raising kids who were emotionally abused by their mother and foster care influences and also had disabilities I knew not about our boys except one had epilepsy and the other a learning disability. It was a complete mess and I felt I was teaching them at age 3 and Savannah 5 because they never had rules, responsibility ever and making rules was horrifying to them. Jaylan was angel until third year in spring wood he went off some medication for epilepsy that I didn’t know would arise so many unexpected problems he ether had or developed because of this medication he was on for so long. Jaxson always had emotional problems from the start, things happened in foster care and also his childhood that I could tell made him crazy at times. He use to have tantrums everyday and I worried the d.s.f would take them away after their father fought so hard to keep them my step daughter I thought liked me did not because I made rules in the house. She never had rules even her dad cleaned the house when he was home and took care of the dogs and birds which now he hates animals because ex wanted them. His ex was so depressed and ocd and mentally ill he took care of his has much as he could but in since he was like a single father with three kids and his wife he had taken care of. So when I came into the picture and started changing things my step daughter didn’t want us together anymore and in her mind she believed her daddy can do better or that she liked that her daddy only raise them. If Jesse and I didn’t get married he would’ve lost full custody of his kids and it would’ve destroyed him. Jesse was abused emotionally by his ex and there was definitely manipulation going on ether his ex or his daughter. His boys started learning to lie and steal from their sister and it’s been difficult to break so now everyone my step daughter talks to believes I abuse her and control her and don’t give her privacy but she gets plenty of it and so my husband knows I don’t hurt them. He knows they manipulate me and him but we are their parents and I don’t care if they hate me someone needs to love them and teach them and hopefully later they will see. When I think she’s telling the truth I don’t believe her because she’s kept secrets I found out that make me love her but not trust her. p