Marriage counselling can be very helpful even when a couple are really serious about sorting out problems. The idea that problems can be resolved by talking about them doesn't always work. What can happen is that you go round and round in circles covering the same ground but failing to reach a resolution. This in turn leads to a feeling that it is best to bury difficulties and not talk about them because talking leads to greater unhappiness. It highlights issues that cause the greatest hurt. In counselling a third party is brought into discussions. This person is trained to guide discussion so that it is constructive. If additional expertise is needed to help with specific problems then this is also available. For us counselling brought us back to the point of reliving what it felt like to fall in love all over again. A word of caution. Our first attempts at getting counselling was a disaster because neither of us related to the counsellor. We tried again elsewhere and found someone who was superb at listening and guiding. It's a case of 'If you don't at first succeed - try, try again.'

I feel compelled to give you all an update. We talked some more today and she told me that part of the reason that she married me was to get out of her bad situation at home. She also told me that she would do anything for the kids but maybe not for me. The cincher she told me that we have nothing in common and the she thinks she may just want to live alone. She doesn't have a great relationship with her family, but what I noticed today is that we weren't sad talking about ending the marriage or anything like that. It was like planning a trip or something. It was very weird. As crazy as this sounds, I have always had to take care of her as well as the kids so I keep thinking that I need to fix this as well. Until today. I told her to make a decision and tell me how she feels and what she wants to do. I think it will probably end I just need to see a divorce lawyer and start to learn more about what I need to do. It's time for me....I'm tired of taking care of everyone else....may sound arrogant...but I'm exhausted and not going to stay with someone that doesn't want me around. I told her that there are times that I see her looking at me in disgust...she said sometimes she does. Being alone and enjoing my kids is better than wasting my time taking care of someone that doesn't want me around. I hope I meet someone too that wants to laugh, travel and enjoy life. Life isn't very enjoying to me right now and all the counseling in the world won't make me forget what she said to me. Take care everyone and thanks for all your advice.

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.

I know when you're right in the midst of it, every day must seem like an eternity, but really, the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling with you suggests that he wants your family to work out and be happy. Yes, I got that the affair was with his ex. Ouch and ouch again! But, I will say (and not to excuse it AT ALL, I would have been a BANSHEE if my DH did that!!) that when people are in the divorce process, things are messy, messy, messy. And despite all the best advice to not get involved with a recently divorced person, and to not get involved with a new romance when you are recently divorced...the heart sometimes makes these choices for us! And even when the new partners are head over heels, there are sometimes these tendrils from the old relationship that cling...especially when there are kids. I would ask--does your DH seem like he knows that what he did was hurtful to you? Has he learned by the outcome of the lies? Again, not to excuse his deceitfulness, but sometimes people panic and say what they WISH was true, hoping not to hurt the person they love. I think when you guys go to the counselor, that you should lay it on the line really early that you are worried about how the relationship between your son and your husband will affect your little boy. You said your husband admitted that he never built a relationship with your son. The fact that he admits it is good--he is capable of looking at the problem. The sad fact is, that happens! Especially when the bioparent is racked with guilt. The question is, does your DH feel bad about that? Is he motivated to improve the environment that your little boy lives in? Can the counselor help him see the effect his closed-off heart is having on a little person who looks up to him? I've seen a lot of families where things don't "jell" until an "ours" baby comes along. That might make a huge difference...all of a sudden, your DH will be related by blood connection to your son through his new child. Of course, you will want to make it clear that your son will NOT be the odd man out in the family! That this will not be acceptable in any shape, size or form. Hopefully the counselor can help you get some communication going on that. And hopefully you have a good sense of your own power in the dynamic...that you can compromise, but that doesn't equal sucking up treatment that you think is wrong. Eggshells belong in the compost heap. I really am a strong believer in stepfamilies...but the birth pains can be intense. To an extent I experienced some of what you are going through; it broke my heart at first that my DH didn't love my kids as much as he loved his own. Even though if I was honest with myself, I was the same way! But through the years of us consciously trying to do what was best for the kids, barriers of genetics fell, and like a broken bone, our family is stronger for the growing. Gradually, my DH became the "softy" with my kids, and they are all very devoted to each other now. Wishing the best for you and your little guy and SKs and the new little family member on the way.