Only you can make that call...

Trust is critical in a marriage, and when that is broken, everything else suffers.
But at the same time, you CAN survive infidelity if you can rebuild the trust.

Have you tried counseling?
Do you really know WHY your wife was tempted and made the choice to stray?
And have the problems that led to the infidelity been repaired?
Other than the infidelity, is your wife a good person? A good life partner?

Again, only you can make the call.

Most people will probably say yes,once a cheater always a cheater.

I for one am not so judgemental. I think humans in general make mistakes.
What were the circumstances leading up to this event?

Was it a one time thing? Did she have a relationship with this guy?
Were you having any other problems that may have lead up to this?
Do you frequently go out of town and wife is left alone?

Of course being cheated on hurts.It breaks down the trust between two people.I have also known people whose love was strong enough to get passed an infidelity though.Only you can decide if you feel this is something you can do or not.

If you really feel you cant forgive her,then maybe you should call it quits.Otherwise a part of you will always resent her for it,and that is no way to have a healthy relationship.

Is she deeply sorry about it? Did she cry? Beg for forgiveness?
All things to consider.

Seems to me that many couples who have to travel alot,either the person traveling is having affairs in other places,or the person stuck at home gets lonely and has an affair.

Agree with others: your call.

You didn't say anything other than "...she cheated on me." and "...she brought in a man into our house..." so I don't know what you actually saw. My response below is based on my assumption that you were attempting to describe delicately that you pretty much caught them in the act and there's no doubt at all. If that's not the case, please disregard.

My personal opinion is that trust is pretty much everything. Once that's broken -- or betrayed, shattered and stomped-on in your case -- everything else goes with it.

On-line honey? In your own home? There's something that I would not spend two years thinking about. I'll be curious to read more if you choose to answer the other's questions, but what you've described would end it for me.

I agree with others too.

I think when you understand why she did it, and lets face it...to meet someone on the internet and invite them into your home its pretty risky, he could have been anyone !....then perhaps this will enlighten you as to what direction you should take.

I think you should answer all the questions posed.

Two years you have been battling this, gee, thats real committment. Your heart is in pieces, are you able to talk to your wife about how you feel ?

Report back to us, we need to know how you are going.

Popi

When a spouse cheats..emotionally or physically, a trust is broken. Doubts exist. How long...well it's been 22 years for us on an emotional affair and there are times I find myself still doubting him. It wasn't even physical. At 2 years it was still really raw. I do know "deep down" he won't cheat again, but it's funny that on the surface I sometimes wonder. It's hard to explain, but maybe you understand that feeling. So that said...you have to know your limits. I know that I WILL NEVER GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN. He is out if there is a next time. PERIOD. I am worth more than that. Once is a mistake (For me), twice is his choice and he isn't working on it. We got marriage counseling immediatly, and he put much effort into it. Yes marriage counseling can work, if both people want it to. We still fight, but that is not something we allow to be thrown into eachothers face. That is a rule we had to come up with. It took 3-4 years SERIOUSLY for me to trust him again. I don't know if he really understands that part.

Good luck

Vickey-MN

I'm wondering what process you went through together already as a couple to try and resolve this - Know that with the correct process, this CAN be resolved in your mind - always a sad memory, but not with the hold on you that it has now.

I highly recommend a book to you and your wife. HOW CAN I FORGIVE YOU by Janice Abrams Spring.

This is something you and your wife need to talk about, often - trust comes two ways, through lots and lots of talking together about your reality, and also through you simply deciding that you want to live your life free of doubt. That second part can only come after doing all the work possible with your wife - really, at some point, trust is your decision and cannot be based on what ifs.

Know that this is workable, assuming she is remorseful and wants to make your relationship work. Many people call this situation the nuclear bomb that exposes all the underlying problems in a marriage, which once exposed can be examined and resolved...thus clearing the way for making, for the first time, an extremely close, intimate loving relationship. Some even say that an affair is a painful blessing.

Best wishes to you - your pain is an indication that there is work to be done - invite your wife to participate in that process with you!

Everyone is different! The choice is up to you if you stay in the marriage or leave. I myself, chose to leave. To me, one of the most important things n a relationship is "trust". I felt like I could never trust him again, so I chose to leave the marriage. If you choose to stay though, this is not something you should throw up in her face over and over again. It's the past, over, done, time to move on. If you are having trouble moving on, maybe you should try counseling. My heart goes out to you, it is hard to trust someone again, once they have messed up so badly. My prayers are with you!

"...this is not something you should throw up in her face over and over again..."

"...it is hard to trust someone again, once they have messed up so badly."

"Everyone is different! The choice is up to you if you stay in the marriage or leave."

Do agree with this. IMHO healing such a breech requires repentence from the offender and acceptance/forgiveness from the offended. "Repentence" means acknowledgement of and remorse for the breech and willingness to become worthy -- basically eating serious dirt and demonstrating renewal. 2) "Forgiveness" means apology and renewed effort accepted and that's the end of it. Topic remains off the table forever. Both are difficult and take time. Wounds heal, but scars remain. Many (I being one) are unable or unwilling to do the forgiveness part in a situation such as you've described. Your life. Your call. You're the only one who knows what you're dealing with.

Over a year ago, I cheated on my husband. I did it more than once, had an ongoing relationship with a couple of different men. I am in NO WAY excusing or condoning my behavior, but the reasons I cheated started in my marriage. Through communication, my husband realized that he had to take some of that responsibility. I felt horrible when I was cheating and could barely go to church. I couldn't pray, because I didn't feel worthy to talk to God. I confessed to my husband what I had done.

It took us a long time to work through and it's still an ongoing process. We did have trouble with him throwing it up in my face. It's impossible to forgive yourself, for the other person to forgive you and for the marriage to heal as long as it is constantly brought up. Trust is an issue, but I have to just keep proving to him over and over again that I am not going to do it again.

Sometimes I am tempted, but I remind myself of the turmoil I was in. I was looking for someone to love and care about me, but those men were only looking for sex. Most of the times when wives cheat, it has nothing to do with sex.

That's what I was talking about. I was not one of those people that thought I could ever get past the situation and trust him again. I am normally a very forgiving person, but when it comes to cheating, there's no gray area as far as I'm concerned!

But.... some people are able to forgive and try to move forward. I can't imagine that it would be easy for either of you. And it's not something that he will probably ever forget, nor will you.

I agree, people aren't always looking for sex. I am sure both men and women just need to feel like someone loves and cares about them. But when you are in vulnerable state of mind, you need to avoid certain situations and people!

I wish you and your husband luck!

Hello, IÂm the originatorÂ

Thanks for your sympathetic, encouraging words and advices that many of you have given me. Certainly that will help guiding me to the right direction. Yes, this is my marriage, my life and my call to decide what to do about it. ItÂs just that my mind has been confused, dazed and tormented so badly by the incident that sometimes I am not even sure if I have a right mind to make decisions for myself. To tell you the truth, I have not been able to tell this to anyone close me, not to my friends, siblings, parents, church pastor, counselor, etc. No one. I thought telling someone would not do any good since I decided to rebuild the relationship and trust with my wife (which I apparently failed to do so). I also thought my forgiving should include protecting her face and respect from others  anything else would be a vengeance. I just kept the incident to myself as if it were my own wrongdoing and a very shameful secret (also neither my wife nor I brought it up until this moment). There has been no healing process or counseling, but only trying to forgetÂ

Some of you asked many questions in regards to detail of the incident and circumstances before and after. Please wait. I have more urgent issue to reveal.

Why am I suddenly reconsidering after 2 years?
Something else has just happened a few days ago. We had an argument about something (insignificant) and she yelled at me saying " THIS IS MY HOUSE! WHY DONÂT YOU MOVE INTO YOUR MOTHERÂS PLACE!!!" I was quite surprised. She has never said anything like that during our 7 years of marriage (We bought the house together right after we got married). A quick glance at her face showed a surprised as well, apparently at what (accidentally?) came out of her own mouth. I silently walked away from her with a deep thought. Then I remembered. A few months after the incident (wifeÂs affair), we had an opportunity to buy a house for rental purpose and refinanced our own house that we live in to get some equity out to use as for down payment for it (previously we talked about such investment quite often). During that time my wife was saying that my not-so-good credit rating (650 FICA score?) is causing troubles for getting low interest rate for refinancing the house we live in and also for getting a loan for the purchase of the rental house. Evidently my name did not get included neither on the title of the both houses. That time I felt uneasy but didnÂt do anything about it since I decided to go on with the marriage. Also, her profession is in real estates (among other couple of things) and I trusted what she was telling me.
Yes, I may have a pattern of trusting people I love too easily. Do you think I am getting my back stabbed for the second time? What chance do I have for getting my share of the real estates if I get divorced? WeÂve been using the same joint bank account since the beginning of our marriage, if this info helps.

I believe one of the reasons you haven't healed is because you haven't talked about it. You've walked around with this burden and have felt guilty. You need to talk about this to your wife and a professional. If she won't go, you need to go yourself. Or go to a support group. You need to reach out because this wound has been festering for two years. I believe this will help you heal. You are still not able to tell us exactly what happened. I believe because this is very painful and difficult. (It's not that I want to know, just making a point...)
Also....as for the latest incident.....
The law varies from state to state. Talk to an attorny to put your mind at ease. This is something you should do for yourself. Get a list of questions together before you go. I agree with the others, this is your call. But, don't be stupid, if you believe she hasn't been playing fair, you need to get your ducks in a row and know your rights. Then decide if you want to make your marriage work. One more comment....it takes TWO to make a marriage work.

You've gotten some good advice, and I admire you keeping this private, away from friends and family. Counselors and clergy aren't going to be running around the neighborhood badmouthing her, though.

And talking to an attorney about the houses... I don't think you should do this behind your wife's back if the two of you are seriously trying to work things out.

If you're in a community property state, I wouldn't think the title on the real estate would matter, just that it was bought with community property and that the bills and rental income are community property. But then, I'm not a lawyer. FWIW, it's also very possible to have your name added to the deeds even if it's not on the mortgage.

But the fact that you're worrying about the real estate underscores the lack of trust. If you have doubts that your wife is treating you fairly financially, then you have doubts about her to the core.

I'd also like to commend you for not trashing her reputation with your family or within the community. But if you don't start productively rebuilding, there may not be anything left...

I figured you probably hadn't talked about the affair too much - There is no way on the green earth that you could possibly forgive, much less forget, by simply 'not talking'about the problem. This is an indication of a lack of intimacy and communication between you on every level- you have to be able to talk about your life experience in order to truly commune. You can start the process without a therapist, but you may hit some road blocks for which a therapist can be very useful.
My heart goes out to you, because you have carried a very heavy burdon for a long time. You most likely did so to save the relationship, but in reality silence is a killer - there is peace to be had. Please find out if she is committed to change, and to real hard work, and if so, get that book I mentioned and start talking. It will be worth it -

And be sure to include the real estate concerns in your discussions. Work on ALL your issues together - this is the cornerstone of a working, healthy relationship. Anything else is settling into the gray area. No matter what you have been through, you have my promise that you can rise above it if you work together - and find pain free, true love beyond anything you ever hoped for, even before the affair.

Good luck.

You dont seem to trust your wife.

You must address those issues otherwise how can you go on ?

You need the advice of a lawyer to put your mind at rest about your assets.

Talk to her.

Popi

I'm confused.How did you not know about not having your name on the title of the house? Dont you have to sign stuff when those documents are made up? (I dont own a house,so I have no clue)

You have to talk to SOMEONE about your wife's affair.If nothing more then just to vent.I agree a counsoler or clergy person is ideal,and wont blab it all over town.

You really do need to talk to your wife too.Ask why she did it.Cuz you may NEVER get over this.

I would not stay....guess I am just that against adultery. How can you stay with someone who has deceived you? You know it seems to me alot of people think it is no big deal when a woman cheats...of course it is the husbands fault for not giving her what she needs - emotionally...bull! When a man cheats - it is of course his raging hormones and his lack of respect for his wife. Whether you are a man or a woman who cheats - the fact is you CHEATED! If you know you have these feelings then you should address this with your spouse...tell them you are having these thoughts because obviously there is something wrong!
kg44 says she cheated with a couple of people and felt so bad about it she could not even pray!!?? Give me a break - that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Not to mention she has had those thoughts since she has been begging for forgiveness?? Problem...doesn't seem like the husband is at fault..I have no sympathy for people who cheat - your grown - you know right from wrong...some people just like to have turmoil in their lives.

My friend, once a cheater always a cheater. No matter how much you forgive and try to forget, it will always be on your mind. Even though..... she probably won't cheat, your mind still will never forget what happen that night 2-years ago in your own bed. BTW,,, do you still sleep on that bed??

Once its done, the damage is there. I know you love her, but the love is never the same, also sex (like wise). I would not be comfortable is this happen to me. She be out the door or I will.
Not simple, but &^%$ her for what she did, you know???!?!?!?!

mike78613....I so agree!!

I completely understand where you're coming from. At the end of feb. I found out about my husband's affair from the other woman. I also have those same visons, and I don't know what to do with them. I too have decided to try to forgive, but forgetting, I think that would be foolish. I had blind trust, I beleive that we give out trust freely at the begining of a relationship. Once that trust has been betrayed and needs the be earned back, I think the betrayer may be more careful as to not screw it up. At least if they are truly remorseful. Talking openly about the affair and the difficulty coping is so important. Opening the lines of communication is so important. A whole lot can be acheived with one simple sentence - "I feel like ...." For instance the affair itself. I admire your ability to stick it out this long and still want to work on it. You must be a very strong man to have that kind of drive. I have the same wish for you that I do myself...that we will learn to love and trust again, not foolishly but with confidence. Good luck to you.

"All things are possible with God in it. I am not going to get religious on you...."

Typical.

what do you mean by typical? Does nobody look to God anymore? At all? Is it totally taboo to bring God into anything?
Sometimes I feel like Christians are the only ones not allowed to speak their minds anymore.

"what do you mean by typical? "

Very common adjective -- in this case applied to a specific cite. Pretty simple to understand, I would think. It is "typical" of this poster to bring God/religion forward as the solution to almost every topic they write about. It is also "typcial" of them contradict themselves while doing so. Therefore, I said "typical".

As to the rest of your post, sorry to learn you feel like an oppressed Christian. Who has prevented you from speaking your mind?

Must be all of those liberals running the government...

Sorry, don't know what made me post that, don't know the poster, don't think I have ever seen them post before, but I have kind of noticed everytime someone posts something about God I can just see the eyes rolling by the posts that follow, but again that could be because you may see the poster post more often then I do and know how they work.
Again I apologize for coming off the way I did and for assuming something which I had no right to do.
and what is a libral? I am a political moron so I have no clue

micke,
The liberals are the ones that run the media in our country --LOL

Have to admit, I kinda do that eye rolling thing when there is a "typical" religious post...then again, I also do that eye rolling thing when there is a "typical" atheist post that responds to it. They are both annoying, IMHO.

I guess if posters are just posting their advice and it happens to include religion, you can't really fault them if that is their opinion. The OP didn't say anything about leaving God out of it. In fact, I would bet many of the OP may be religious (that may be why they seem to have a harder time with divorce that seems inevitable to others) and they may actually welcome religious advice from time to time. 'Lord' knows there is enough advice that doesn't include God. I'd welcome both.

MarriangebyGrace's posts always seem to say either that 'God hates divorce' or that turning to God will save a marriage -- So that poster's response was 'typical' in the sense that it is the same advice he/she always gives. And the "I am not going to get religious on you" part just made it stand out...

And Carla, I was being totally sarcastic about the 'liberals' running the government. They may be the majority in the media, but they sure haven't been running the country...

Yes, sweeby I get everything you said and totally understand marriagebyGrace's post and why it would annoy most---even me. I think asolo's explanation (although not really needed) of why he used the word "typical" was good enough. I also think his response and tone to Grace's post was "typical" of an athiest response. Overly religious people aren't the only ones that can have typical comments.

And, yes sweeby I know you were being sarcastic. It's kinda hard not to with a dig like that. Although maybe an Imus joke would have been more appropriate- LOL-

ps...on a lighter note, I'm not so sure the media isn't running the country..they have a lot more influence over our every day lives and kids, and perceptions of divorce/cheating than you may think....but that's another post ;-)

I'm not athiest and I find grace posts to be annoying as well.They come off more as judgemental (God hates divorce!) then helpful.

So I wonder how the OP is going, a bit of a digression with the thread of late.

Lets help each other, we dont need judgemental responses.

What's the difference between "expressing opinion" and "being judgemental"? Seems to me they're about the same.

In any event, I think anyone should be able to say whatever they want. And their respondents can do the same...with or without eye-rolling. Maybe there's help in it or maybe there isn't but it all goes together.

Oh, I totally agree with what you are saying, asolo. Everyone should have the right to their opinion. The religious girl, you, and, believe it or not, even me!

I guess we agree on the fact that everyone is entitled to their opinion. And almost every post on here is judgemental in some way. That's just how people are... Opinions are based on judgements...finding them overly judgemental usually just depends on if you agree with them or not, IMHO.

You can have an opinion without being judgemental.

For instance...the OP says

She brought in a man into our house that she met on-line

Judgemental opinion - "she is a very bad person for doing that"

Non-judgemental opinion - "she has created problems for herself"

P

Two separate statements. Both valid. I don't see a problem with either if that's what the respondent thinks about it.

If I wasn't interested in other people's thoughts on these topics, I wouldn't be here. "Judgemental"? "Non-judgemental"? ....phooey! I encourage everyone to say what they think. Readers can parse it any way they like.

Well,there's being judgemental,and then there is trying to force religion on someone as Marriage by Grace's posts seem to do.
I do believe in God myself,just saying it comes on a little strong...and even seems a bit like spam if you ask me.

"When you're a hammer, every problem looks like nail."

Care to elaborate on that?

I think what Asolo's saying is that MarriagebyGrace has one answer to every problem. In other words, Grace is the hammer, so every problem looks like a nail.

Reminds me of my grand father.He has all these little witty sayings and I'm never really sure what he's talking about...LOL.

Okay, back on task!

Whether this husband stays or exits his marriage, he will still have to deal with these feelings. Time to take them for a little airing to a professional counselor. If there is a chance to save the mariage - great. But whether or not, he has got to help ease his mind because this will surely crop up in future relationships.

And one more thing: humans are not, by nature, designed to be monogamous animals. Through religion, society, law and other institutions, we have forced ourselves to try to conform to this idea, but occasionally we revert to what nature intended. Then we are completely reviled for acting on what is biologically programmed in us. Am I saying cheating is ok? No. I don't cheat and would be devastated if DH cheated. But I'm just saying, people slip sometimes. I wonder if we really knew, how many couples are completely monogamous for life? Probably we would be very surprised.

I found out my wife was having an affair with someone she met online. She's known him for over a year and a half... she started talking when my wife's and my relationship had a problem after about 10 years a marriage and five children we grew apart. I stopped talking to her and she tried to talk to me but i was too much of and ass to listen. Her online relationship has advanced greatly he lives in Fargo and us in NY.. He travels for his job and tries to come here to visit her.. I have found out all this because my wife first by mistake left her email up and I read it about 3 or 4 months ago. A week ago I found her password she left it by mistake in the yahoo sign on. So I used it and read all her conversations. My heart hit the ground, I feel like i'm loosing everything, I've called him on the phone, threatened to Kill him and he won't stop messing with my wife and she seems to be eating it up to him, but to me she says she's working on things with us. She wanted to see him I told her she could but we needed a divorce first and she would have to move out and I wanted the House and the Children. This upset her, not what I was looking to do. I told her to stop the relationship with him and come back to our family and she thinks she needs to see him first to make that decision. I don't want her to see him. What I need is some help. I need to know when the 100 lb. weight leave my chest. Everyday I feel like I could die of a heart a tack.. Bottom line. I don't want my wife to leave I don't want my family to break up. I just have so much pain and anger to deal with and have no one to help me with it.. Please help...

MaddMike07,
Hey, i'm going now through cheating of my wife too. I haven't busted her yet...
In your case, you did, and she still thinking on being with him and stuff. I think that is a death penalty to your marriage. You have to divorce her for sure. You see, if she would stop doing that after you busted her, I would think that maybe there's a chance. But this way, no way in hell. She simply doesn't love you /want to be with you...

Nickster, you are right, MadMike's situation is a lost cause...and he's taking the wrong approach of course "I've called him on the phone, threatened to Kill him". Yeah, that will fix your problems, blame the other guy.

Sorry to hear of your issues, I was there 7 years ago...it sucks. Take the high road, when you confront her, and offer to stay in the marriage ONLY if you honestly want to...not for the kids, not out of fear of monetary issues, etc. All that stuff will work it's way out one way or another.

If she says she wants to...come up with a plan. Don't beat the past to death, but insist on marriage counseling. If she resists, no matter what she is saying, her heart is not in it. That was my biggest mistake, I should have realized that my ex, despite saying she loved me and wanted to work on the marriage, resisted therapy and all forms of real communication...that should have been my clue that her heart was not in it, I could have saved myself 3 years of frustration...she wound up cheating on me again...we are now happily divorced.

Hope things turn out better for you....

MaddMike - I can see why you're mad. And your actions are reflecting your hurt and anger -- which, while understandable, are not helping your marriage. If you want your marriage to survive this, then you need to take some different tactics.

Your wife is not happy in your marriage. I don't imagine that's exactly a news flash for you -- but please don't underestimate the importance of that fact. She's unhappy, and she does not want things to continue the way they have been. This other man offers an enticing 'what if?' option, that for some reason, she desperately needs right now. If she hasn't even met him in real life yet, then he's pure fantasy, and absolutely may not live up to the hype. Even if she's met him -- if he were all that and the 'magic' was reciprocal, she'd already be out the door...

My suggestion is to offer her a better 'what if' -- What if we were to go to counseling together and learn to communicate better and more positively? What if we were able to work through our anger and resentments and regain the wonderful relationship we had in the beginning? What if we were able to rebuild that foundation of trust and respect? What if we were able to stop yelling and nit-picking and sniping at each other? What if we didn't have to sell our house and destroy our children's lives?

It might be too late. But it might not be. As Mkroopy said, if she is willing to go to counseling and really work at it -- if she doesn't resist it -- then there's still a chance.

If its burnt on your mind this long its not gonna get better,once a cheat always a cheat,I know my father was a cheat..

I also have a cheating wife and I went through all the above. I would not give advice to anyone, but, I can share what I have found.
The actual hurt diminishes in time. It doesn't completely go away.
I made the mistake to immediately forgive my wife out of love, and according to her friend she took it as "I didn't love her enough to be mad at her".
Your going to hear a lot of bull about it being half your fault. Unless you are a real bad guy, the problem is in her head.
After time you will resent her. Not resent her for cheating, but actually resent having to "help her through her problems".

If you don't have kids, dump her now! Life is too short to waste it on her. If you have kids, then do the counseling thing.

Where am I after 4 years?

I am tired of hearing about her being lonely. Her life is no different than mine, and I don't get that option.
I am tired of compensating for what going on in-between her ears. I am not her mother or babysitter.
When we have sex, in my head I still see her giving head to her first boyfriend, bouncing up and down on her second boyfriends lap, oral sex on her girlfriend, and going down on the last guy (friends boyfriend) for 3 hours because he had whiskey dick. Yes I made the mistake of asking for details. I used to love sex, now she repulses me.
She is in a depression now and lives in bed when not working. I now have to live in a pig sty.
Her nick name from her girl friends is "Fat, Drunk, Slut!"

"Her" friends feel sorry for me.

I am trying to figure out a way to leave her without effecting our kids.

If I find the right woman, I'm outta here! F... Her!

This thread is depressing. I will say this though. A cheater is a cheat and has a total disregard for your feelings. Why would you care about theirs?