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Surrounded by exes!!!

Posted by coolmama (My Page) on
Wed, Jan 3, 07 at 17:32

Ok,so I deal with my husband's two exes because he has children with them. One of them is nice,the other I'd like to smack.
Anyways,I feel like that is enough.
Well,a month or so ago my husband's uncle called him and said that another one of his exes,we'll just call her M,has been calling his house trying to find my husband and left her number for him.
Being the sensitive soul I'am,I start crying...husband reassures me he will not call her,that he told his uncle he wasnt intrested and to throw the number away.
Well,last week I'm checking the mail,and guess who there is a letter from! M! Says something like she had already written him once and asked him to call.That she knows he's probably married or something,but that she'd really like to see him.
While I was reading the letter my heart was pounding so hard I thought my chest would break.
This ex,M,also hit on my husband when he was dating his other ex J.He told her then that he had a girlfriend and he wasnt intrested.So,obviously this ex M is a home wrecker type who doesnt care if he is with someone.
I just want to say,I trust my husband.He has never seemed like the type of guy to cheat.His dad is a big cheater,and he says he never wants to be like his dad.
But I guess my question is...How would you ladies handle this situation? I kinda feel like I need to tell miss ex M to take a hike.Husband said he doesnt even want to look at the letter,and that he isnt calling her.
Oh yeah,and in her letter she states she has been "searching everywhere for him for years!" Husband doesnt care if I tell her to get lost.Should I???


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Why would you want to tell her to get lost ?

I agree she is exceeding the boundaries of good behaviour, but don't lower yourself to her level.

Ignore her and she will get the message.

Don't even think about it, from this day on, it will only annoy you even more.

Popi


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Thanks for the advice popi,you seem to give pretty good advice on here.
I would tell her to get lost though,to let her know he is married and has been for 10 years and is happy,so she should leave him alone.
I feel like I need to let her know he is unavailable...what if I dont and she keeps trying to get ahold of him?


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Coolmamma,
Seal the letter back up and write: NOT AT THIS ADDRESS on the envelope... drop it off at the post office and they will mail it back to her.... hopefully with postage due...
If she cant find you she cant bother you besides if your husband was intrested or had feelings for her he probably would have jumped on it the last time she offered(when he was with J). If she dosent get the hint... let her know point blank that he is married and happy and you will not tolerate her unwanted advances.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Great idea, sending the letter back, I would do that.

So, you think she is not aware that he is married, well, is she that bad then ?

You must have a real stunner for a hubbie, with all these exes floating around !

Can you please let my DD know that I give good advice, and my DS, they seem to disregard all my good advice !!

LOL
Popi


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

LOL popi,Most kids dont think you have good advice until they grow up.
I think my husband is a stunner.I didnt marry him for his money that's for sure,LOL (he had none when we met)I consider myself pretty lucky.
I think sending the letter back is a great idea. I just hope that will be the end of it...thanks for the good advice!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I firmly believe that you cannot ignore a situation and expect it to go away.

Since this is DH's ex - HE should contact her, and HE should tell her that he is happily married and to leave him alone.

Then, if she doesn't back off, he should consider other (legal) options.

I do believe that you should not get involved.... she is HIS issue.

Just my opinion....


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Western,
In a perfect world her husband would have settled this long ago, but like most men, if he dosent give his ex a second thought why should coolmamma? Its no big deal to him because he dosent give a hoot about her. So the one left to deal is coolmamma because she dosent want any upset in her life. I think that if it bothers her then she has every right to take care of the problem and her husband said she could "butt in" So coolmamma I think you should do what makes YOU comfortable! Besides western, when your married... any problem that could affect or upset your home is a "shared" problem!
Good Luck Coolmamma!!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

"Besides western, when your married... any problem that could affect or upset your home is a "shared" problem! "
Then her husband should "share" and tell the ex to leave him alone!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

As i said "in a perfect world" he would. That dosent seem to be the case here. So why cause a fight with your husband simply because he dosent want to give the ex the time of day? I would be more worried if he wanted to talk to her... So IMO if coolmamma wants to set her right I think she is within her rights as the "wife" to nip problems in the bud.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Its no big deal to him because he dosent give a hoot about her.

If he gives a hoot about his wife, he'll tell this ex to back off. If it's a big enough deal to give his wife heart palpitations, then he should at least pretend it's a big deal to him and put a stop it.

...obviously this ex M is a home wrecker type who doesnt care if he is with someone.

Exactly. If she wants your husband, she'll keep after him until she gets him, or until he tells her to leave him alone. YOU telling her to take a hike won't matter. She'll assume you intercepted the letter and try to contact him at work, or meet up with him at uncle's house. How'd she get your address after years of searching?


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

"He told her then that he had a girlfriend and he wasnt intrested."

"Husband said he doesnt even want to look at the letter,and that he isnt calling her."

"Husband doesnt care if I tell her to get lost."

I assume that the husband knows this woman and how she acts better than anyone else... maybe he knows that if he talks to her it will just cause more trouble...maybe make her more persistant. So he gave his wife his blessing to handle it however she wants... maybe he knows that if the wife says something this woman will know she has been "found out" and leave them alone.... just a thought!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Thanks going bonkers,my husband is a very non-confrontational person.A pacifist so to speak. His cure to everything is to just "ignore it and hope it goes away" I'am always the one who has to stand up for things (like let's say our daughter in school)
That's just the way he is.He doesnt even tell me when he's mad at me really.So...he has pretty much agreed that letting me handle it the way I do everything else is what's best.
I have no idea how she found him after all these years!
Anyways,my husband said she's a druggie and that is why he ended it with her in the first place.He says he would never want someone like that around our daughter.
I have mailed the letter back to her today,saying he was not here.As suggested above.
If she does continue to pursue this,I will have to stake out my territory,LOL.I do doubt highly that she could find my husband at his work though.Husband works downstairs and his boss would warn him if she was calling him before he got on the phone.thank God his boss is a family-oriented man who would probably take offense to her tracking him down there.
And I agree,it would seem even weirder if he wanted to talk to her.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

sounds like a stalker.

Be careful.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Im glad you mailed back the letter... im hoping that will be the end of it....
lets us know what happens... !


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sorry for the confusion

NON of my husband exes are ex wives. I'am the only one he has ever been married to.

When I say EX,I simply mean ex-girlfriend or someone he dated as a TEENAGER.
Just wanted to make that clear.

So far so good going bonkers,we'll see!!!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

These are old girlfriends? Good grief, lots of guys have old girlfriends who call them. Usually guys move on because they weren't happy with good ole ex girlfriend Sally. They may not have much in common any more. I wouldn't get involved in it or he will really start thinking about the ex and how she isn't yelling and upset like you.
Just think--if some guy you went out with 5 years ago called--just to see how you are and whether you were still single; you would not expect your husband to blame you and go nuts. People do call old flames just out of curiosity, it doesn't mean they are going to meet up at the Motel 6.
We thought you meant this guy had several wives--unfortunately those people can be a problem.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Actually my exes have called, and my husband told them to take a hike.The kind of exes we both have are psycho and we really dont want them in our lives.My ex practically did stalk me and tried to meet at motel 6.I wanted my husband to tell him once and for all I was taken and to leave me alone.
And he did...
I never yelled at him about it anyways...I cried quietly to myself because I was scared of losing him. I dont usually yell at my husband.We have good communication and talk about things.

Anyways,I think she got the message.She hasnt sent anymore letters and there havent been any phone calls.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I am wondering why your husband does not open his own mail? I think there is a problem with trusting if you would open mail that isn't sent to you. YOu post that you saw the mail and it said such and such. Just an observation.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

LOL,my husband and I both open each other's mail!!! We have been together 11 years,we have no secrets!!
When the letter came,it looked like something serious like a bill,it was not a handwriten envelope,so I opened it.
My husband hardly has time to read the mail,that's why he could CARELESS If I open it or not!


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Dont have to defend my actions,but I will

The matter is settled already.Say what you want,but let's see your husband or boyfriend's ex who is known for trying to get back with him after he already turned her down once and see how you would like it!
I never yelled at him,never blamed him.All I wanted was for his EX to take a hint.
And the mail thing is just really silly.It's not like I was looking for some chick to write to him.I was looking at bills like I do EVERYDAY when I get the mail.That was the last thing i expected to see.That is why I felt like having a heart attack.And I think after being together 11 years my husband trusts me enough to let me open his mail. It's not like I was sneaking through his wallet looking for numbers after 6 months of dating.I was going on with my everyday life.
If it was up to my husband to read the mail the bills would never get paid and they'd sit in the mailbox for 3 months.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I disagree that the mail thing is silly. In a mature relationship, married or not, each person is entitled to a modicum of privacy. I have been with my husband 3 times as long, and I still would not think of opening a letter addressed to him. It's a violation of his privacy. I do not view opening someone else's mail - husband, wife or S/O or anyone else who happens to receive mail at your address as no big deal. Common bills, if you are the person writing the checks is one thing. But I am getting the impression that you are a little more sensitive regarding your husband's former relationships than you would like to admit. You mention you have no secrets, but I don't think you would be so upset at the prospect of an ex contacting your husband if that were the case. I also don't understand why you would get involved at all. The ex isn't making the contact with you. Why would it be up to you to in essence stake your territory as if you own your husband? I would think a different course of action would be much more effective. I would ignore it. The more attention you pay to it, the bigger it will become.

There is a significant difference in appearance of a bill and a correspondence from another person. I just think when you really trust your partner, you don't open their mail, regardless of who pays the bills. I happen to write the bills in our house, but I do feel my husband is entitled to some privacy with regard to other mail.

Just my $.02.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Hmm,Obviously I wasnt clear when I said THE MATTER WAS ALREADY SETTLED.

I dont care if you dont open your husband's mail.Every relationship is different,and if I'm on the phone with my husband and he asks me to open his mail and tell him what it is,THEN I'M GONNA DO IT.Maybe you arent as close with your husband as I'am with mine.It's called trust.
As I said,I DO WRITE OUT THE CHECKS FOR THE BILLS! And this letter,did not look like a letter,it was mailed from his ex's work and it looked like a bill.
I have paid my husband's bill's for him since we were dating because he hates doing it and usually messes it up in some way.If anything it's a favor to him,BECAUSE I HATE DOING IT.

As far as I'm concerned,there is nothing else to discuss.I mailed the letter back as GOING BONKERS suggested and we havent heard anything else from her.
But yes,You can bet I'd stake out my territory if I felt like that is what I needed to do.I have a child and a happy marriage,and I stand by my reasoning that you hold onto what is yours!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Perhaps I missed something, but seeing you posting twice without any responses in between made me think you are more than a bit stressed over this.

"Maybe you arent as close with your husband as I'am with mine.It's called trust. "

I guess that was the point I was trying to make. That's not what comes to mind when I think of trust. I don't think we are on the same page regarding our respective definitions of trust, perhaps the age difference.

"But yes,You can bet I'd stake out my territory if I felt like that is what I needed to do.I have a child and a happy marriage,and I stand by my reasoning that you hold onto what is yours!"

Again, I don't understand the "stake my territory" thing. What is it exactly you would/could do? You really can't prevent someone from speaking with your husband. I would think that if your trust is there, you really don't need to "stake" anything out. I guess I just don't understand what your meaning of how you would deal with this. I haven't ever heard a friend or any woman I know deal with a situation where they felt they would be able to manage someone reaching out to their husband. I don't think you should give any other woman the satisfaction of letting her know how worked up this has gotten you. That was my point about the less attention you pay to it... It's kind of like not lowering yourself to a level where you would appear threatened. Do you you know what I mean? I have a very attractive husband, and just feel that once you start giving credit to an otherwise non-issue, it becomes one.
I would think it is your husband's place to speak with the woman. Again, different strokes.

Glad to hear the matter is settled.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

When I said stake out my territory,I didnt mean I'd go beat her up or anything immature like that.Only that If forced to,I would tell her she is being an annoyance and that she need go elsewhere.
You know,I read these other posts about "Sleeping with an engaged man" or "In love with an engaged man" and I'am very aware how no matter how much you trust your husbands there will always be homewreckers waiting to tear everything down.And you are wrong that I cant stop him from talking to her.I'am HIS WIFE,and you can bet he Doesnt want any of my ex boyfriends talking to me either.If he wants to get cozy with an ex,then I will not stay in a relationship with him.Because although I trust him,I do not trust women who have nothing better to do then try to break up another's marriage.

My husband has made it clear to me he wants nothing else to do with this ex-girlfriend who is writing and calling him.
Yes,the first,most sensible thing to do was to kind of "ignore it" and not make a deal over it and see if it went away.
I sent the letter back,and wrote on it"NOT HERE". If she continues to pursue him,I will stand my ground and tell her she isnt wanted.

You know...it wouldnt be such a big deal.But I said that she had already tried once to break up him and his other girlfriend.Knowing that bit of info kinda changes my feelings a bit.Not like she's just looking for coffee.

And the last thing I will add about the mail thing,is that my husband is dyslexic,he has trouble reading,and has always had a hard time paying his bills himself.So I have done it for him since we met.He is greatful to have me do it cuz sometimes he would mail money to the wrong person or bounce a check.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I am female, but let me say this, in situations where women feel they are competing with other women, unfortunately, it can get cutthroat. I do not blame you, coolmamma, for having your guard up. It is so important that you and your husband trust each other. Hang on tightly to that, and do not let this or any other ex penetrate your relationship with your husband. They don't matter, so don't give them your time and energy.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Coolmamma,
Im glad to see that you have not gotten anymore mail from her...
Now as for the mail opening... what does it matter who opens whos mail?? You mean to say you can live under the same roof, give birth to their children but there is a problem opening their mail?? OMG its not a lack of trust... its making yourself aware of whats going on in the household... bills, bank statements, or anything else that may arrive via the postal service. If my man ever got angry with me for opening his mail.... that would give me reason to be suspicious... what would he have to hide? So spare me with all the his privacy stuff... when you are in a commited relationship/marriage the privacy issue dosent apply... because everything that enters a household effects the househhold.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

My parents were both nuts in certain ways, but I've always been grateful for 2 things that I grew up with:

1. They weren't jealous.
They were both extroverts, & when they went to parties & dances, my father would have a beer & talk to his old Army buddies, & my mother would dance with the husbands who liked to dance.

Neither one of them ever ran around on the other, as far as I know (& I think I would have known: Kids are *there* all the time & absorb nuances or tremors in the air or something.)

2. They weren't territorial with each other about other things, either, such as mail or money.

My father always picked up the mail.

He only opened envelopes if they looked scarey (bills with red lettering, for instance).

My mother opened everything else & handled it.

My father also was one of those guys who carried around one check in his wallet.

If he had to write a check, it was there.
Of course, what always happened was that the check eventually wore out, at which time my mother would void it in the checkbook & give him a new one.

She balanced the checkbook, picked up his paycheck & deposited it, & paid all the bills.

He didn't care.

As long as he didn't have to handle "paperwork", he was happy.

Coolmama's way sounds similar.

This wouldn't always work for every couple (I, for instance, don't want nobody touchin' my dang gardening catalogs!), but every couple handles mail & checkbooks in whatever way makes them happy.

Wait, I just remembered one territory no husbands or kids better cross:

You *better* not get in my mother's purse!

If you needed something from her purse, you asked, & she would tell you go bring her her purse (*never* go get the purse without her instructing you to do so), & she would get you whatever you needed.


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Update

The !%&@!%^&* is back! Guess what she did this time? She sent him mail through UPS that is certified and restricted so that only he CAN sign for it!!!!!
You believe the nerve? Well,I'm going to fix her little wagon. I'm going to tell the UPS guy tomorrow that he no longer lives here and I will REFUSE the letter!

Yes,I did tell my husband about it,and now he is actually getting angry at her. He again says he is not intrested and thinks she's acting kinda Fatal attraction.
But...God,what dio I do if this chick just keeps trying??? What if she is a fatal attraction? She obviously cant take a hint! Please help me!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Your husband is a grown man, why don't you let him handle the matter. It is his former "friend". Take yourself out of the situation. I think you are overreacting. Obviously the other party knows you are intercepting the mail and wants to speak directly with your husband. Let her. I doubt it is a fatal attraction. I think you need to take a deep breath.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

You just dont understand my husband though.He is a pacifist~hates confrontaion. He DOES NOT WANT to talk to her at all! In fact,he said that UPS can keep coming until they give final notice and send it back because he isnt signing for it. (first of all,he CANT sign for it,he works 6 days a week and isnt home to sign for it.He's made it clear that it is not worth the trip to the post office to retrieve,because he'd have to get up early and get it before work,and he doesnt think it's worth all the effort)

My mom also told me to "calm down" but that was coming from a woman who gets jealous over a girl at a store,so i think this is a bit more serious then that.
Anyways,UPS hasnt come back because we have a ton of snow here.
And i just want to add,that I only interpreted the first letter. She called my husband's uncle trying to get my husband's phone number and the uncle had to tell her he wasnt giving it to her.
If another family member besides me is telling her he isnt intrested and that she isnt getting the number,then WHEN does it become enough for her to realize she isnt wanted?
I think she IS a fatal attraction and I'm very worried.
Thanks for responding though.
I dont mean to sound snippy about this topic,but it really does bother me so that's why i was.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Sorry, C-M....I agree with labmomma. I, too, "hate confrontation" but I'll be darned if I'd leave the situation you've described on my woman's to-do list. This would be MY problem to make disappear, not hers. Time for your man to take care of business. Tell him to mount up and slay this dragon. This is his monster, not yours.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

LOL @ slaying the monster comment.That was cute.
Anyways,
I know you are right,that he SHOULD tell her he is not intrested,happily married and to please leave him alone.

I actually WISH HE WOULD! To me,it would show he cared about my feelings enough to make her go away. I even told him my stomach has been in knots over this for days.
Part of me wonders if he wont is it because he secretly wants her to keep trying to get ahold of him. I know,I'm terrible for thinking like that.But this is IS 2007 and stuff like this happens all the time.
Am i just being silly thinking that he may be enjoying this little ego-boost?
This whole situation has really made me doubt myself. That I'm not pretty enough,or exciting enough to keep him intrested in our marriage. Let's face it,no matter how wonderful the marriage,after so many years,you can forget exciting even being in the same sentence.
What I'm really scared of is him realizing he has another option and wanting it.
Did I mention another flaw of his was having a hard time saying no? If she were to track him down at work or something....COULD he say no to her?
Why am I letting this get the best of me?


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

"Part of me wonders if he wont is it because he secretly wants her to keep trying to get ahold of him. I know,I'm terrible for thinking like that.But this is IS 2007 and stuff like this happens all the time.
Am i just being silly thinking that he may be enjoying this little ego-boost?"

I am sorry if you don't want to hear this but I think you are not feeling very confident and your fear may be founded in reality. You say your husband has trouble saying no. This may be why you are his 3rd S/O or wife, I can't keep track. I think another poster on one thread gave you some very blunt advice. I won't repeat the response to your sister's problems, but if you are worried your husband will take advantage of his new opportunities, you don't have a prayer of a long term situation with him. It is only a matter of time... If this is just you being a bit paranoid (sorry only word that comes to mind), then let him handle it with the confidence in the relationship that you had before the note came into play.

Stop trying to micromanage his life. I don't care if he has ADD or learning disability, or whatever your previous post says regarding your opening his mail and managing the bills. This isn't a bills situation. Act like a grown woman and ignore this blip on the radar. Let your husband handle it in whatever way he chooses. If he runs off with her, consider yourself better off.

BTW - your young daughter has to be picking up on all this drama.

Best of luck to you.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Stop trying to micromanage his life.

That is a very unnecessary statement. I cant believe that in everything that you wrote that someone would come up with that! You are protecting your family and that is your JOB! These days there are alot of wackos out there and it is your right as a wife and mother to protect your family and your happiness from them. As far as im concerned it is the women who dont pay attention who end up wondering what the hell happened to their happy family.
My advice: Have him sign for the letter... read it together.... have a good laugh... then you write her back or call her and tell her what a good laugh you had at her expense.... dont take it out on him ... he cant help it if some woman has a thing for him... remember he didnt ask her to write... its her problem not his.... but make sure she knows that he shares everything with you and she is a big joke to both of you....
Either that or you can ignore it and hope she goes away....

Good Luck Mamma... sounds like ya got a real winner on your hands!!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

OK,another update,but first i want to respond to LABMOMMA's comments.
Number one,I'am my husband's ONLY WIFE he has ever had.Sure,he has some kids from when he was young and irresponsible,but he was never married before.
Number two,I didnt mean he had a hard time saying NO to women who want him.Only that saying NO in general is something he has a hard time doing (Like,if you ask him a favor,he may really not want to,or even like you,but he will anyways just cuz he doesnt want to seem mean)
Also,I have been more insecure because as silly as it sounds I had to have my hair cut ALOT shorter and I have been concerned my husband wont think I'm as attractive anymore this way.

Now for the update. The post office (I thought it was Ups,I was wrong) has not tried to re-deliver. Maybe cuz of all the snow we've been having.Believe me,I've been waiting everyday for it.
Anyways,I thought about what Labmomma and Asolo said about how my husband really has to be the one to tell her to go away.
He came home tonight,and I was quiet thinking about everything.When he asked what was wrong,I told him~that I feel like he didnt care about my feelings enough to make this problem go away.
So,he called her! I cant believe he did.Anyways,she didnt answer the phone.So he left a message saying that she needs to stop trying to get ahold of him,sending him letters and calling him. He said,
"I've been married for the past 10 years~and I'm not intrested in whatever you want!"
I love him!!!
So,NOW if she continues to send letters or get ahold of him,then obviously she is a fatal attraction.

One more thing,the first letter she wrote,she clearly stated,IF YOU ARE MARRIED,I UNDERSTAND AND WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
So to push any further after this,will either make her a homewrecker or a nut job.
I pray this is the end! I will keep the forum updated if anything else happens,or if we ever get that letter.Probably wont happen until Monday.


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update

We got the letter finally,yesterday.

OH,the nerve! To anyone who thought I was being paranoid,you should know us women have an intuition!
OK...The letter started out kinda the same as other one."I've been looking for you everywhere" blah,blah,blah. Then she says how she thinks about him all the time,had heard he was married while searching for him,but says he can e-mail her if he cant talk cuz his wife is there!!!
That is why she says she sent the letter through the post office,so if he does have a wife she cant read it.
Then she signs it LOVE ALWAYS!

Now,if she wasnt up to no good,then why would she have to be so secretive? Encouraging lying to his wife by e-mailing instead of talking on the phone so the wife doesnt know!
Now,tell me again how paranoid I'am!
Of course my mom called and I told her about it...she says she can definitely see now why I'm upset.
But of course,I'am NOT mad at my husband~I know this isnt his doing. He did call her the other night and tell her not to bother him anymore...so,it should be solved.

Any suggestions on what to do should this woman rear her ugly head again? I think,that if it happens again,after my husband so clearly told her to back off~that it will be my turn,and I wont be quite as nice about it.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Encourage you to ignore every response you've received here until now. Please consider the possibility that you may be dealing with a dangerous woman. She's been shut down directly and she's still pushing in across boundaries everyone recognizes. Big red flag.

Next step is VERY clear and direct written response from your husband to her; certified with delivery receipt. Save the letters you already have to be used if/when you proceed to restraining order.

This isn't fun anymore.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Since I last wrote,I had decided to go ahead and e-mail her. I basicly said that my husband and I read her letter together because we dont have any secrets from each other.That he will not be e-mailing her on the sly so I dont know about it or calling her.
That it has been over 17 years since he has seen her,and he obviously has a whole nother life with me and isnt intrested in her.
I told her to keep doing whatever it is she thinks she is doing,because I'm done playing games. That I'am saving both letters that I will hold as evidence if the harassment continues.

My husband told his boss what was going on. His boss asked what was wrong with her,and has started screening his calls at work for him incase she tries to track him down there next. (although I dont really see how she COULD do that without his social security number,but just to be safe)
I just pray that it is indeed the end of this situation.That she will be smart enough to understand she has been rejected and that she will move on.
I have my doubts though...doesnt seem like she has any common sense to me.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I don't think you get it...she really doesn't care what you think or what you say your husband thinks. She wants to talk to him and or hear it from him and even then, who knows if she will believe it.

I am surprised that your husband would have you do his dirty work. This is his old girlfriend and his mess...if charges have to be filed...he will have to file them, not you unless she is coming after you personally too. Either you're making a mountain out of a mole hill or your husband is shirking his responsiblilties big time. There is no reason you should have been the one to send her an e-mail. Did you have to talk to his boss too? I'm guessing he could handle that by himself. Sort of makes you wonder.

Personally, I'd step back and let my husband handle it. You're really not doing anything to help but are only riling yourself up about the whole thing when getting involved. Do you feel if you take control of the situation yourself it will keep them from getting together/talking?


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Carla35

Hello! Did I or did I not say that my husband DID CALL HER to tell her he wasnt intrested! I e-mailed because as ANY sane wife I was MAD at what she was suggesting...dont even tell me if some broad was sending letters to your husband you wouldnt be pissed.
I did what ANY wife would do that actually cares about her marriage.I dont have to defend my actions to you or anyone else.
I was just making it clear to this person that if she tries to steal my husband,she better be prepared to fight. Because I WILL NOT sit back and have her disrespect me like this.
Telling him to e-mail so I "wont know" they are talking is disrespect. When I'am disrespected,I stand up for myself,PERIOD.I dont need anyone to do it for me,I'am a grown woman.
My husband said his piece,and now I have said mine...and I feel better. Should I have not said anything and have to deal with the feelings and let them fester,NO,I DONT THINK SO. I got it out,and now I can relax~that is what is important to me.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Yes, agree with carla 35.

You don't seem to get it that you can't prevent your husband from communicating with this woman if he wants to. You seem to think that you can manage them. Head's up, you can't. Let your husband be a man.

I get the feeling from the way you respond to the posts that you don't like, (very aggressive and defensive responses) that you are insecure. People are just trying to save you from making a fool of yourself. It doesn't matter what this person's motivation or feelings for your husband are. If you have a stable enough relationship and have some self esteem, none of this would be freaking you out. I am not sure if you feel your relationship is as stable as you want everyone to think. You try to justify too much of your actions that should be taken by your husband. I don't think I am the only one who finds it emasculating, I wonder, does your husband feel this way? You post as if he is a child who cannot handle his own matters. His boss is now screening the calls???

Most husbands have contact with other women throughout the day in the course of business. I get the impression that your husband works in an all-male environment. What and how would you be surviving if he worked, say with some women? There comes a point where you have to take a leap of faith and trust your husband to do the right thing. If you can't do that, I think you are in for trouble.

I think there is more to this than your husband is letting on. I may be wrong, but re-read your own posts. Even you would be hardpressed to ignore how defensive you are. The reactions are argumentative that we don't know your husband. Of course we don't, we are speaking to you in the general sense.

Keeping your self-esteem should be more important to you than anything else if you want to be an example for your child.

Also, please don't respond in all caps. It is rude. You brought this issue to the table so don't be rude when people tell you what they think. You always have the option to keep your personal business personal. Just a thought.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I understand that you are mad...but I have to tell you the truth, up until the point that I may have thought it was bordering on stalking, I would have probably been laughing and teasing my husband about the whole thing.

You seem to be so upset about the whole thing; it makes many of us think that you may really be concerned about her being able to break up your marriage. It takes two for her to be a homewrecker... she can't do it on her own.

I would be more concerned with her being a crazy stalker than doing what you think "ANY wife would do that actually cares about her marriage". The fact is, generally, this isn't/shouldn't be about caring about your marriage or thinking you have to save it...why are you making it such?...it's about dealing with a crazy person.

Sorry, but the fact that you are sending her e-mails saying what you said and such are probably only adding fuel to her fire. She can probably tell from it, you're tone, and the fact that 'you' sent it that your marriage may not be all that.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

This has nothing to do with the state of my marriage...which happens to be very good.
I have been insecure about this person because of things my husband's sister has said to me (by the way,her and I have never gotten along) She has made many comments to me,that this particular girlfriend was,"so awesome" and the "best he ever had". Of course this hurt my feelings,as I'am his wife and would like to think I'am.
My husband doesnt share his sister's feelings about this ex.He says his sister doesnt know what she is talking about,that she was too little to know the REAL her when they dated.(His sister is my age now though)

I dont think I'm wrong for feeling threatened. I have read other posts not on this forum that suggest when another woman comes into the picture the mother is worried for the survival of her and her young. That it is natural female instinct to have these feelings.
Yes,my husband does work around men...but guess what? he often has celebrities coming into his work,and many are hot females! One in particular,that I wont name,who even had a see-through shirt on.
I do NOT get jealous or insecure over that.
I'am insecure over this because first of all,it has been 17 years,and this woman has made it clear she just doesnt want coffee. I think any "NORMAL" person after 17 years would seriously move on. Stop trying to hold on to something that doesnt exsist.
And labmomma,if my occasionally writing in caps to emphasize a word bothers you,then just report me.Because I see people doing it all the time and think you're the one being too sensitive if you consider it rude.I didnt write every single word in caps.


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and by the way,labmomma

I had NOTHING to do with my husband's boss screening his calls! Him and his boss talk about personal issues all the time.He was telling him about it,and his boss asked if he shouldnt let "just anyone" know he was there anymore. My husband said that might be a good idea. His boss is a VERY family oriented man and he himself got upset this was happening.
I dont treat my husband like a child...but he has even told me he likes that I keep him in line.That without my help he'd be getting into trouble like the rest of his family does. This goes both ways though,because he does the same for me. It's called a Partnership.
So just keep making assumptions that are completely inaccurate,ok?


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

carla35 and labmomma ---
Here's what I said (as copied from above) over six weeks ago:

------
* Posted by western_pa_luann (My Page) on
Thu, Jan 4, 07 at 9:38

I firmly believe that you cannot ignore a situation and expect it to go away.

Since this is DH's ex - HE should contact her, and HE should tell her that he is happily married and to leave him alone.

Then, if she doesn't back off, he should consider other (legal) options.

I do believe that you should not get involved.... she is HIS issue.

Just my opinion....
------

You are telling her the same thing this month... you are getting the same response I got.

And next month, the cycle will repeat.....


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

"And labmomma,if my occasionally writing in caps to emphasize a word bothers you,then just report me.Because I see people doing it all the time and think you're the one being too sensitive if you consider it rude.I didnt write every single word in caps."

Note - I wouldn't take the time to report you. Also, just because others are rude doesn't mean you have to follow their example. This response is another example of what I was talking about - your defensive attitude unless you hear what you want to hear.

Regarding the post directed to me. "I dont treat my husband like a child...but he has even told me he likes that I keep him in line.That without my help he'd be getting into trouble like the rest of his family does. This goes both ways though,because he does the same for me. It's called a Partnership.
So just keep making assumptions that are completely inaccurate,ok?"

Please don't directly address me ever again. Perhaps you could read what you just wrote to me. A marriage is a partnership. That's what I was trying to get across to you. A partnership is made of equals. You don't strike me as an equal to your husband. More like very insecure, defensive and overprotective of your husband's actions. Please re-read what you posted. You tell me that your husband likes you that way. Well that's wonderful.

I tried to give you some advice so you take would take a deep breath and act like a lady, and not make a fool of yourself. The advice given was also given so that your husband might see you as an equal rather than someone frightened enough of losing her husband that she has lowered herself to contacting another woman, etc.

Another poster responding on a different subject (your sister the stripper) pointed out some very important things. Perhaps you should go back and read that particular post. I am beginning to think she wasn't far off.

This will be my last response to anything you post as it seems that you and I are worlds apart in our views of how a real woman should act.

Best of luck to you.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

western_pa_luann - yes I think you have made a good point and totally agree.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

LOL,yes,Labmomma,we are worlds apart at how a real woman should act!
You responded to another thread where the husband's wife cheated and bashed him for checking up on her! I may seem defensive to you,but you seem very cold and callous to me.
You act as though i have no reason to be upset at all!

I do not get mad at others who disagree with me,or tell me what I dont want to hear.However,I dont like being bashed for being a human and having feelings.
I think you read too much into things too. You know a very small fraction of my actual life.To assume I manage everything single thing my husband does is ridiculous.

Every situation is different.I respect what you think,but that doesnt mean it is best for my personal situation,which is what this thread is about.
One thing to think about is that men increasingly ARE more female,and women more male. You see men dyeing their hair,being more metrosexual.You see women wearing guy's clothes and having short hair.
Behavior has even changed quite a bit over the years too. So maybe I'am not acting HOW YOU THINK A WOMAN should act...because our generations the definition of how a "lady" should act have changed drasticly.

All I felt I was doing was letting her know that I KNEW what she was up to. To let her know that my husband and I dont keep secrets from each other.

And let me just add that I'am very independant because I have been on my own since I was 16. I couldnt deal with my mom's boyfriend,so i moved out. I have had to fight for much of everything i have in this life. So if I'm not the kind of lady you want me to be,you're just gonna have to forgive me for that.


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western luann pa

The cycle will not repeat. I did let my husband handle it. After I was mentioned in her letter,THEN I said something to her,because at that point it was no longer about just him.

And,there are other more personal things in this letter that I'am not going to put on this forum.

I also want to add that I posted this very same topic on another forum somewhere. I'am being told repeatedly not to take my eye off the case. And this by MEN! So,just some different perspectives from people who have been there.

I think unless this has happend to you,you cant possibly know how it feels.


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

WOW...
I cant believe how rude people can be. This is a forum for advice but if you dont take advice given then the people who think they "know better" get pissed off and are rude to the poster... we all post because we want a second opinion but that dosent mean your opinion is the right one.
Most people post to get things off their chest and it makes them feel better... which is why these forums exist.
Judgemental people who feel that it is a personal attack when you dont take their advice need to get a life... THIS IS A HELP FORUM not a personal attack on you if your advice is UNHELPFULL!!! Keep doing what makes you feel better mamma and IGNORE the rude people who take offense cause your not living your life how they tell you!!


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I'm not offended. Trust me... this is not important enough to take offense.

Bottom line:
Don't ask for advice if you don't want advice.....


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

I was just making it clear to this person that if she tries to steal my husband,she better be prepared to fight.

No one can steal your husband - it's not like he's a wallet or something. If he wants to leave he will. If it were my DH - I'd certainly question him about how his ex got my address (or his work number). Emailing her is a waste of time and energy (IMO). She knows he's married and continues to write. She won't stop until your DH puts a stop to it, no matter how much you threaten her.

I can't remember if someone mentioned upthread the old saying "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."


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RE: Surrounded by exes!!!

Thanks for your support,going bonkers. The thing is,I did follow advice...I just also had to do what I felt was best too. It may or may not have been right to e-mail her,but as I said~it made ME feel better,so what's the harm in that?

bunglogrl,anyone can get anyone's address online and usually for free. I even tried looking myself up just to see what happend,and it was fairly easy.About the work number,the ex doesnt have that. Husband just wanted to make sure she cant track him down there.
I realize she cant "STEAL" my husband like a wallet.But if she thinks I'm one of those women who will just sit by and twiddle my thumbs while she tries to tempt him,she has another thought coming. All I'm saying is,I'm not gonna make it easy for her.
Not that she even has a chance.


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