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20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Posted by corvette57 (My Page) on
Sun, Jan 25, 09 at 14:10

After 20 years of marriage, I am fighting to stick it out --sometimes. Most of the time I want her gone and out of my life. I think of the hell of the past 20 years and think sometimes what to expect in the next 20. No money problems,no kid problems, nothing unusual. She is so frigid as a friend and sexually , I have no ill feelings--just no feelings at all. I meet nicer people at the local WalMart than her! Anyway it is hard to talk about things with one side of the story. I just know I did not think couples could cross the line so easily and no big deal from them. Any ideas, suggestions, things to try. In 20 years you go through alot, but not like 30,40 etc. or sometimes just another view. Thanks for any help.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I think you need to do some serious thinking about "would you be better off with or without her?" I know this not a popular opinion, but I am a firm believer in not wasting your life in an unhappy marriage. I knew after 5 years of marriage to my first husband I wanted to leave, but I stayed another 10 because of the kids and lack of support from my family. It would have been better to have gotten out when my children were small. I have never regretted what I did, just the timing.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

If you have been so unhappy for so long, why are you fighting to keep it together? If your reasons for staying are compelling, have you tried/considered counselling? Is your wife similarly unhappy- have you ever discussed this with her?


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

That's what I was wondering. What is her answer to the frigidness when you try and discuss this with her? NancyLouise


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Thank all of you for responding. In order I will try and explain.

Stargazzer,
I have done almost exactly as you thought to do. I was married before with 2 small children, my wife and I were very young and dumb.I bailed after 5 years and have since realized I was wrong to jump ship so quickly. I have since apologized to both of my sons now in their late 20's and to my ex. Maybe that is why I am being so slow in responding to this dilemma.

Coleenoz,
My wife seems to thrive on making me unhappy and is confortable with her life.I have went to counseling alone as she would not go with or without me. She thought it was a waste of her valuable time. We (I) discuss problems alot. She acts like the sound of my voice hurts her ears and leaves the room or ignores me totally. Counselors have a mixed bag of answers. I am not impressed with them as a lot.

NancyLouise,
I hope the above gives you some sort of answer. My wife refuses to give me an answer. She will tell me I am a wonderful husband and have done no wrong, but I think this is sarcastic. She wants me to shut up!

Recently I asked her to leave and her grown son agreed to take her in. However she keeps coming home after work and acts like she never agreed to leave. Strange?

Any advice would be appreciated!!


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I think you know what you should do. Sounds like she just wants you for the support.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

"Drive it or park it".
Or, how about a trial separation? Which is kind of practice parking.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Sorry, if my husband said the sound of my voice hurt his ears or walked out when I was telling him his behaviour was making me unhappy, he would be out the door.
Either make up your mind to be unhappy indefinitely or cut her loose. Clearly she doesn't feel the need to change, all that can change is you.
I'd change the locks, personally.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Corvette, I am of the mind of stargazzer. Live is to short to be unhappy the rest of your life. You have tried talking, you have tried counselors, I would be thinking of divorce now. Your wife doesn't want to put forth the effort to fix your marriage. It is time to move on. NancyLouise


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I stayed 23 years...for my children. They were grown and out of college and I also had gotten my degree. The ending result was that my children resented me leaving. Even though they knew I was not happy and that even though they were in the opinion he was a good father ( at times...for two out of the three) they did agree he was not a good husband, they resented me initiating the divorce. Three years later they still refuse to be a part of my life or allow me to be a part of theirs. I lost a lot...It sounds like your children a in the same age group-or close. I would check out their feelings before making any decisions. Believe me, it's really tough when they slam the door to you and the grief this has caused me makes me now wish I would have stayed...I miss my children whom I love so very much and nothing can replace them.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Just goes to show you how different children can be in their way of thinking. When I was growing up I PRAYED that my mom would divorce my dad so we could live a "normal" life. I even brought it up to her once. Her response was "where would we go?" (back then there weren't the support or services they have now.)
As you said in your first post, no money or children problems to consider. You gave 20 years to a person that has made you unhappy. Why prolong the misery. I personally would be moving on and trying to find happiness else where. NancyLouise


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

To everyone,
Looks like eveyone is is of the same mind. I just don't have in me to be cruel or lie, but I have been doing lots of reading and and some soul searching.

I think I gave it good shot and did my part, so I think I will move on in a month or two. I want to make some prepartions and not just react to certain things. One thing I have forgot to ask and it very important.

I am 50 years old,in good health, but always wondered. Can I find real true, honest love out there? I don't need someone to take to the cleaners or play games with me. Just someone to love me and me to love them back. Please respond alot this question. Just a decent, honest person. It is very important!!!


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

yes love is possible at any age, 50 is new 30 LOL. but sometimes it is OK to be alone for awhile, definitelly better than in a bad marriage!


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Corvette, YES YES YES , You can find true, sweet love at your age!!!!I did and no one was more shocked than me..Expected to be a spinster after a hellacious LONG marriage, but was blindsided to find a soulmate...God Bless the Broken Road....Get to youtube and see the video and listen to the words carefully, it will give you hope The best ...


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Sorry for the bad writing, our weather is very bad, the electricity goes out several times a day--so. Very surprised and glad to hear your answers! You hit it right on the the nail. I need a SOULMATE! Everyone does or your life feels empty like mine.Thank you all so much. I think I know what I must do and sooner rather than later!
Thank you all!!


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Glad to read you have made a final decision Corvette. You will be happier for it I'm sure. I wouldn't jump right in with dating and searching for your soul mate though. I think you should take a break from women for a little while. Have some time just with yourself and your friends. Collect your thoughts and figure out what went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes again with another woman. Take care and good luck, NancyLouise


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I think every person needs to live alone, to get to know themselves and what they want. Ask yourself "what do I expect from a spouse and marriage? Sometimes as young people everyone just does what their family did, marry and have a family, after a few years they want to experience the things they missed out on by marrying to young. The same is often true after a divorce. When I think back I don't think I would have married or stayed married to anyone if I had been skilled enough to earn my own way.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Couldn't agree more. That is the way I feel right now. Some peace and quiet, find myself. Seems like I have been married and had kids all of my life. That may sound selfish to some, but I think in some cases it is the right medicine.Thank you for caring, that's more than I have had in many years.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I have got more good advice here than in marriage counseling.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

By the time my 45 years of marriage was over I was totally sick of it and the odd part of it is that I didn't realize how sick of it I was until being single for a couple of years. I would not mind having a male friend to travel with but as far being married or living together...never again.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I've been married for over 30 years and there are times the future looks bleak. Then I a few days later and the sun seems to be shining yet again.

Over 3 decades we have grown in different directions with different interests and pleasures. But starting over at this point wouldn't be the solution. We've been working hard to overcome the barriers and find each other. It's a serious work in progress.

There isn't anyone I would have rather shared my life with than my wife. We do take care of each other and hope that the future isn't bleak as you put it.

But when you're wife looks in you the eye and says "You're not making me feel special enough. I know you want more sex but you haven't earned it yet". Yes, all this is part of promises made during counseling but hearing something so blunt just about makes the seams of our marriage burst with stress.

I thought I've been doing agood job of being interactive, engaging but not nearly enough for her. Maybe I don't talk enough to her but she's out taking classes, sleeping in front of TV because she's tired etc.

Last night we went out to a resturant of her choice that had a little live entertainment. I had worked all day but put a good smile on and we went out (She doesn't work Fridays). After 2 1/2 hours at the place I was rerady to head home and relax before coming back to home on Saturday morning. She thought I didn't try hard enough to have a good time so Date night just didn't occur. Seems I didn't earn that pleasure I suppose.

Now where do I go from here? This is just one of those bleak times. It'll get better ... hopefully!


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Geeesh Johnny, you have to EARN the right to be with your wife? I always thought that was something you gave freely because of the love between a husband and wife. Not something that can be used against your spouse to get their way. That's tough. Only you can decide if a platonic/companion relationship is what you want to settle for from your marriage. At least that is what it looks like what it will end up as to me if there are no changes. Hopefully the counseling eventually will work. NancyLouise


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Our marriage is a work in progress. She has so much resentment against me it'll an uphill battle. lately, I've been trying to give her little things every other day to just show that I'm thinking about her & that's she's important to me.

However, If I slack off just once here or there and she quickly reminds me that I'm going back to old routine. It's all in one's perspective I guess. How hard doers this have to be?


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

If you don't mind me asking johnny, why does your wife hold so much resentment towards you? NancyLouise


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Re: Am I that disgusting?

Over 10 years ago I had to have a double mastectomy. When they originally went in there were not sure if it was cancer-turned out both breasts were completely full of pre-cancer. They removed all of the tissue (left my nipples-but scraped them). I had a friend who had also had to have this done and 2 year later she died from cancer of the ovaries.
When I met my husband (we've been married less than 2 years) I was having problems with them leaking-common after about 10 years, and knew they would have to be replaced. WE married and he picked the surgeon (works with surgeons so said he knew the best). I had the surgery and I feel they look and feel better. This was a year ago this month. The only comments he has EVER made are painful. Such as; well you know you have a dent in this side, they are not the same side, they should have more projection, he should have done this... I think he could have done better....never one kind loving word. I have
cried and cried and begged him for one kind word. Never. I have even explained to him that if he could look at me through the eyes of love maybe he would be able to say some thing nice. I know in the past relationships he had breasts are a biggie for him-bit I guess I didn't realize how big.
I now cannot find it within my soul to have a physical relationship with him. Because when he does touch me (not very often) it just reminds me of what he has said and how he reacts to me when he walks in and I have my bra off. I feel ugly and hurt. Today he just left mad-because he says he doesn't understand why I don't want to have a physical relationship-after I explained to him how I feel and said I only think about MY feelings. Am I being unfair. Should I work at displacing my pain -what to do? I feel like I am old and ugly and just an object to take care of a need when he has one. (which is maybe once a month and it didn't start out that way)...what to do or think? Any thought's...


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I am sorry I got this in your post...I was trying to start a new one. Can anyone correct? Again, my apologies.
stray


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I m sure nobody minds the mistake , Stray, sorry for your troubles and started a new one for you.....


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Wow, I myself have been married for nearly 20 years and am ready to call it quits. I have children, almost grown. I do love my wife and believe I would die for her without question; however, there is no longer a spark, nothing. I believe we are still together for the kids, I know, I know, wrong answer. It could also be that we are a vise for each other. I am not sure. She is trying, I think. I don't know if I want to. Corvette57, I believe you have made the correct choice. I am unhappy and I know it. I lied to her throughout the last 8 years about finances, I really didn't believe she could handle the truth. She knows about my deception and holds it over my head. I believe I have stopped hiding our financials from her. Sorry, I felt some background was needed. Anyways, I am getting ready to have a talk with her. I really need some feedback on this one. I am going to take her out to eat, not someplace too busy. After we eat, I am going to tip the waitress and ask her for some extra time. I will take the keys out of my pocket and place them on the table, explaining to her that at any time, she may take the keys, get in the car and leave. I will then tell her how I am feeling, how I don't know if "we" will change and how I do not want to get old feeling hated or like a failure. I believe that if she hears me out, we have hope. If not, I'm gone.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

I can't imagine discussing that in a public place. Personally I would just take the keys and go home.


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Marriage is a throwaway item

Our society treats marriage like a cheap kitchen appliance. When something goes wrong, it goes in the trash. Americans no longer have any respect or reverence for marriage, family, values or the promises associated with those things.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

To hell with "reverence" when a spouse reveals themselves to be intolerable and dishonest!

And **** you if you think I should have stayed with the *****
.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

"Americans no longer have any respect or reverence for marriage, family, values or the promises associated with those things"

Oh please.....people have always been as messed up as they are now, it's just that society did a better job of "hiding it" I think. It was common for men to cheat on their wives back in the 30s/40s/50s....it's just that more women probably just 'accepted' it because in those days what options did they have? Few women had careers and could even come close to supporting themselves....

Ah yes...family values....gimme a break. More parents beat the cr*p out of their kids with a belt too way back when....that's good family values? My parents (I'm in my 40's) both got whipped with a belt for stuff when they were kids....fortunately for me and my brother, they were sane enough to not pass that on...and I would but a bullet in my head before I ever whipped one of my kids with a belt. But I guess to some that means I have no sense of discipline....whatever.


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RE: 20 years of marriage and the future is bleak

Corvette, by now this is a very outdated thread. If you are still reading here, I would like to know what you decided and how you are doing. I hope it went well whatever your decision.


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