has a death and grief destoryed your marriage?

18 years ago

I just lost my dad and the funeral was yesterday..All I have been doing is crying since Weds night..My husband has staed that once this is all over he wants me to have no contact with my stepmom and stepsister Who have been my family for 25 years(SM is the only mom I have ever known)..

Husband has also told me I am forbiden to go to the cematery until Fathers day..And if I keep up the crying and self pity he's going to leave me..

His words were "Just GET Over IT!!!!""

Comments (12)

bnicebkind
18 years ago
simplecountrylady, first, I am so sorry about the loss of your father. There is something so painful in the loss of a parent, and you NEED to grieve the loss of your dad.
How long has your husband behaved this way towards you? What does he have against your stepmom and your sister, that he wants them OUT of your life? Is your husband abusive towards you? To hear that your husband would "forbid" you to visit the cematery of your father as you grieve such a loss...is heartless, and must make you feel the loss of your dad even more deeply. If he is not abusive, then I suggest that you rise up with strength and courage, and a backbone, and tell him that you will indeed grieve as long as it takes to work through this, and that you will visit the cemetary whenever you decide that you need to be there, and that you will include your mom and sister in your life! Do not allow him to isolate you from the only family you have left, UNLESS they have been a destructive factor to him, and in your marriage, (see the other posts regarding MIL's) and he has valid reasons for not wanting them in your life and marriage.
It sounds like a really good time to see a councelor who is able and willing to back you up and challenge his "rules".
If he leaves you because you are grieving the loss of a parent, (when you MOST, more than any other time in your life, need his love, and unconditional support, from your spouse, (and I am strongly in favor or presevering through ALOT to save a marriage, and hold a family together) but this is so heartless, and unloving, and threatening, that I would say...let him go. If he chooses to walk out when you need him the most, then he is simply heartless. If he is threatening you like this (the day after) you lose your father...well, it is beyond comprehension, and I am so sorry for what you are going through. If cornered, how would he defend his behavior?
gurley157fs
18 years ago
Yesterday??!?!

That is outrageously insensitive!!

I agree - my first question would be 'does he treat you like this all of the time?'

Just in case you didn't know you don't treat people that you love like that. I know that there are two sides to every storey and I don't know your situation but I cannot imagine a situation in which you deserve to be treated so horribly.

Grieving is a natural and necessary process. Suppressing your feelings now will only create problems for you later.

Take your time, allow yourself to grieve, and think about yourself - that is NOT a selfish thing to do.
Related Discussions
Reframing grief into manageable pieces
Q
Comments (5)
Dear Joanie, I know how you feel. Hang in there... I lost my brother suddenly & unexpectedly just this past July. He was only 48. It has been such a shock. We are still trying to deal with him being gone. I never thought he would be the first to go. This is the first time I have lost someone whom I loved so much. The hardest part is watching our mom grieve. She is having such a hard time even though she is a very strong person. Thank God she is still in good health. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I miss him so much. We were on vacation when he had the masssive heart attack. He was on life support for a couple days & held on until I was able to get home...he passed on his own about 2 hours after I got to the hospital, so I was able to talk to him & reassure him I would help take care of things. Just thinking about the sequence of events, the initial phone call & just reliving the sinking feeling when I first got the news, then when I got to the hospital & talking to him. I kept asking him to wake up, but it was not to be. (he had been brain dead since the afternoon he had the heart attack--the EMT's tried reviving him for 20 min. & then got him to the hospital.) I keep thinking of whether he was hurting or what he was thinking those final moments. Thinking of all the events, the funeral, everything. I wonder sometimes if he can see everything going on since he's been gone. Like you, I function best TRYING not thinking about this. I try to block it out, but I wonder if it's a "healthy" thing to do. I wonder if thinking it through, talking about it, & crying it out, will get the pain out of my system. There are times when I sit & start thinking & I have to stop myself...it's just too painful. I miss him terribly & can't imagine what it's going to be like without him anymore. We used to be regulars at our Sunday Masses, now, because of time constraints & having to help take care of mom, I am lucky when I can get myself to church. When I am there, the emotions let loose. I know he must be in Heaven watching over us. (I had the previledge of baptising him before he passed.) I know it's only been about 6 months, people keep saying it will take time. Everyone was great at the beginning. I had a great support system. Now, everyone has gone on with their lives. I am alone in my grieving. Even my husband has commented that it's time to move on. He commented that even though my brother is gone, our daughters & he are still here & living. I know he's been very patient, but he has not been emotionally support at all. I've been told, "Men are wired differently." I can deal with that...I know now, that no one understands what it feels like, unless they've experience a loss themselves. I have been to a couple different grief counselors...it always turns out to be a crying fest for me, so I have not gone in a couple months. I hesitate to call any of my "friends" to talk about things, I don't want them dreading our conversations, so I just don't call them. To add insult to injury, we are going through a messy & emotional probate with his wife. (Another long story, but in a nutshell, she thinks we are trying to scam her out of things & is totally paranoid, when all I have done is help her since my brother passed away. We are doing everything by law & trying to follow what his wishes were. Unfortunatly, the draft of a living trust he had can't be used because it was never finalized.The marriage had its share of problems & my brother thought they might be divorcing a couple years ago.) It has been a slap in the face that she is thinking this way, she has not once said Thanks for your help & support. Her behavior shows great disrespect for my brother. Going through the holidays was very rough for me...I am glad they are over. Thank you for listening...I don't know what the answer is to lessen the pain. I wish I knew & I could pass it on to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. For me, I hope that once the probate process is over, we can start grieving properly....take care & I send you a great big hug.... Mary
...See More
Your parents not agree with your marriage?
Q
Comments (15)
Nothing personally probably because of communication style when perceiving or expressing such doubts about relationship choices. The practical tip in that area is to confine critiques to actual behavioural incidents or general phenomena. Give relevant information to convey the area of concern and explain why it is of concern. Then, back away from the adults making their choices such as they are. People are usually able to determine for themselves whether a relationship is working for them or not, and are sometimes able to get at good helpful strategies when they are not. On occasion, a lack of experience or knowledge or development can keep a person from being able to make an informed choice. Those things can also increase the odds of a person making a choice that might have problems they did not and do not foresee. Sharing relevant concerns when relevent concerns exist is a reasonable way to communicate doubts without undue alienation of people. if people have disorders or just really strong opinions or feelings, sometimes those things in effect end up speaking for the person and that can create problems that won't be resolved easily and which might benefit from relationship counseling (even between parent and adult child) P.S. The second and third hand experiences I've seen have involved situations where the people involved (one or the other or both) have had mental health issues. 'Issues' because some problems have been related to basic personality issues even without any kind of full-blown disorder. Disorders of personality or in mood regulation or of thinking can cause problems that pretty much have to be adapted to by the 'normal' people who have to cope with the apparent lack of positive support and with an apparent inability to make 'good' decisions consistently from their near and dear. Most people are, by definition 'normal' and most problems are resolvable.
...See More
troubled stepdaughter, eroding marriage
Q
Comments (8)
Hi, I'm sorry you are so troubled. I'm not a step parent, but I was a step kid and my Mom died when I was 10 years old. Dad remarried two years later. Don't expect her to "get over it", she will never get over the loss of her Mom. I'm 44 and I still have times I really miss my Mom. She will have many times in the future she will too, especially when she gets married, and has a baby. That being said,loosing her Mom gives her no excuse to be rude to you, or your husband. Set some rules down and tell her she is welcome at your home as long as she shows you both respect. Tell her you both know how much she misses her Mom and you just want to support her in any way you can, but that rudeness won't be tollerated in your home. She is an adult and can find another place to live if she doesn't want to play by your rules. Sounds like you all need a heart to heart, and Dad needs to do most of the talking. I agree she needs counseling, but she may have to come to a breaking point in her own life before she will seek it, and maybe she won't even then. However, you and your husband need counseling too. You two are a team, and if he's willing to get counseling he can learn to stand up to her. He should be doing that, and supporting you so your SD doesn't resent you for being the bad guy. Hang in there, things ought to get better. I just encourage you to try and find something good in her, and focus on that. It is incredibly hard for a girl to loose a Mom. I imagine it is even worse if she didn't have a good relationship with her. She probably has a lot of guilt. I love my step mom very much, but I've never felt like I measured up to her own kids. She isn't my "mommy" and never will be. We have a very nice relationship as a step mom and daughter, and she will always support me the best she knows how. I have learned to be thankful for that. I hope your SD is thankful for you some day too. I believe if you keep loving her in spite of herself it will work out. You are both loving her by giving her boundaries too, and not allowing her rude, selfish behavior.
...See More
Can my marriage work when his Ex after 8 years has not let go?
Q
Comments (5)
Grace, If you allow her to cause problems with you and your husband, she will. If he allows her calls to cause problems between you and him, and he chooses to continue taking her 'non child related' calls then the problem is HIM. I can understand how he feels if she might make things difficult for him so he is trying to keep the peace. My mom never let go and my dad was the one that had to lay down the law to her. She still hasn't let go completely but she knows that certain things are unacceptable. He's the only one that can tell her and if he feels it could affect seeing his kids, I would try to be more understanding. The fact that she wants him back and still loves him has nothing to do with how HE feels. He's obviously moved on and married to you. It's probably a tough position for him to be in. I was almost 18 when my dad remarried so he probably never felt he could lose his kids, most of us were old enough to see him on our own. and of course, I felt loyalty to my mom so it did affect my relationship with my dad, even as a young adult. I imagine it would be much harder for a younger child. The best advice I could give is work on being supportive of your husband. If he can't refuse to take her calls, know that he has a good reason. His kids. When her calls are excessive, maybe turn off the phone so it doesn't interrupt your time together. Ignore her emails. Of course the daughters want their family together. They are kids, no surprise there. What she wants is irrelevant, he is remarried and as long as he doesn't want to go back, it doesn't matter what she wants. Don't put the pressure of your relationship to his kids on your husband. It's up to you to form your own relationship with the kids. If they are not open to it or tell you what their mom says, simply let them know you are sorry their mom feels that way but you want to get to know them, have a good relationship with them, etc. Don't force it, it takes time & patience. It will also depend on the ages of the kids and how loyal they are to their mom. If they have been divorced for 8 years, I assume they are tweens/teens and that is a difficult time for kids ANYWAYS.... let alone during a remarriage that mom is upset over.
...See More
awbrey
18 years ago
I can not belive he would say that to you, it takes a long time to get over a death and especially your father, you need lots of love around you. There are both sides to every story but if he treats you like that you would be better off if he left you, that is metal abuse and I am very sorry that you have to deal with such a a#$%^&* at this time in your life. Be strong and I wish you all the best things well get easier.
webegardnr
18 years ago
Let me get this out of my system first: what an $%^@!! How dare he tell you how to greive. NO ONE has that right.
I've losted both of my parents and I'm sending up thoughts for your comfort and healing during one of the most difficult times in your life.

bnicebkind summed it nicely.
deefar
18 years ago
Sounds like your husband is a real piece of work. I'd get rid of him in less than a heartbeat of a second.
Kristeen
18 years ago
Hmmm, my dad's been gone for close to 12 years now. I still find myself missing him, talking about him, etc., and if my husband told me to 'get over it', he'd have a few less teeth. It doesn't sound like your husband has much respect for you or your feelings.
bnicebkind
18 years ago
simplecountrylady...How are you holding up?
rosewood42
18 years ago
I think you would be happier if the jerk left you. He is so uncompassionate, where did you find that gem at? He cannot tell you not to see your family, my mistake, he can tell you not too but you are a grown woman. Stay connected to your family and don't give them up for him because I have a strong feeling that you will be needing them more than you think. Sorry about your dad. When you are more mentally stable from the loss of your dad tell your husband to get over it as you walk out the door with your suitcase.
lynne_melb
18 years ago
Simplecountrylady,

How are you doing? Losing a parent is so difficult. My experience is that with time, it gets better. Of course you always miss them, but somehow memories of the good times helps with the loss.

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you.
carolssis
18 years ago
I like I must comment. The death and your grief didn't destroy your marriage, your husband did. His insensitive remark to get over it, is beyond cruel. I'm so sorry for your loss, I pray for healing for your heart. It takes time. Sounds kind of lame, but there it is. My heart goes out to you.
intherain
18 years ago
I am so sorry your husband was insensitive. I am hoping at this point he has realized what he's said and has changed his attitude! Please check in with us.
bowdoin514
18 years ago
Simplecountrylady,
I DO hope you check back in here. I, along with probably all the others, hope you are doing okay. As far as your hubby's statements of you not having any other contact with your family, why does he want you to cut the ties? Is he threatened by them in some way? You know the old saying of "blood is thicker than water"? Do keep in touch with them. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. And for him to want you to be "over it"...well, then he must have never suffered a loss like yours, or just can shut his feelings on & off like a spigot. I lost a best friend several years ago when she asked me to "get over it", concerning the loss of my infant son. One thing in life I have learned since then is you cannot get over a death...you can only learn to live with it. It was then that I realized I can live my life without this "best friend" in it. And I have not regretted it one day! This past June I also lost my daughter who was 18 and killed in a car crash along with her boyfriend. I wonder how that "friend" would feel if she knew that I now have no children. Anyhow (sorry to blab on), if you need to visit the cemetary, you go girl! That is all a part of the healing, whether you go daily, weekly, whatever. Do whatcha gotta do. And we hope you can come back and update us. Just hope "he" hasn't read this all and got rid of the computer or something! Interested in hearing from you. By the way, I am in my second marriage, and the loss of my daughter was very hard on my husband...brought us closer.
Hugs.
Emma in PA

has a death and grief destoryed your marriage?

Comments (12)

bnicebkind

gurley157fs

Related Discussions

awbrey

webegardnr

deefar

Kristeen

bnicebkind

rosewood42

lynne_melb

carolssis

intherain

bowdoin514

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US