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Please Someone Advise

Posted by Nick689 (My Page) on
Sun, Jan 8, 12 at 12:35

I have been married over 24 years and in the beginning it was good until we started having kids and that's when the problems really hit hard. It seemed like she didn't want to take responsibility for my children while I was working and she was home. Meals were never served (no problem there, I cooked) Laundry was done only when clothes were all dirty and then were left in the dryer for hours, sometimes days. Gardening eventually became her escape. There was obvious neglect in the marriage and for the children. Some of this neglect was horrifying. Meanwhile I became more frustrated as the years went by and it became a habit on my part to gripe and complain. We even tried counseling and after 13 years on and off things never changed. The counselor did say I was put in a double bind. I guess my biggest issue was I married a woman who I thought was affectionate and nurturing only to find out the contrary, at least to me personally. Many issues have not been resolved and I cannot go into some of these because it would horrify you or maybe you simply would not believe me because you may think I was bashing my wife or fabricating a story. Fast forward to here and now; she has this idea that I am verbally abusive and she may be right, but then again I have never threatened her or insulted her. As I admitted before I have complained a lot about things like food being left out, a dirty house, all the lights being left on, laundry not done and when it is done it is wrinkled. Money being spent without saying, she comes and goes without saying and allows the children to follow in her footsteps. Whenever I confronted these issues she undermined my authority in front of the kids. A few years ago I went around the entire house and took pictures and emailed them to our counselor and he was stunned. I feel dis-respected and dis-honored as a husband and a father. And yes, I have tried with my kids to teach them respect and honor but that got refuted and dumped back in my lap by her. So whenever I say something it automatically gets turned back to me. Sexual intimacy has been a problem since the beginning and after an evaluation one counselor recommended she go for sexual counseling. She refused. She has been on Prozak for 13 years now and some might say that may be most of the problem but we have had these issues before the Prozak. Yes, there is her side of the story and she has people believing that I am some kind of head case and it really hurts deeply because I consider myself a very fair and passionate man who thought he had a real partner in a wife. The only regret I have is I wore my emotions on my sleeve and I can never do that again with anybody, period! I have seen an attorney and when asked about the dynamics of our marriage she gasped. But if anybody ever met my wife you would think I was a liar. I never physically abused her, instead I adored her and worshipped the ground she walked on. Back in 2009 I was laid off and this was the keeper for me. She never once offered to get a job to help out the situation. Meanwhile, it took me 20 months to find a job and we almost lost our house. Am I losing it here? Is this what some marriages are like? So when I complain about these issues why is she throwing it back at me and not admitting anything? Please, I'm not asking for any sympathy or abuse, just some sound advice and input.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Please Someone Advise

So for 24 years you have been a pinata.

Why have you stayed in this marriage? You must be getting something out of it, or you would have beat feet long ago. Ditto to the missus.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

10 years ago I wanted out but my attorney advised that I try to stay because of the harsh Illinois laws against fathers. So I stayed for my kids sake because I did not want them to live with a neglectful mother. Now it's different and I'm ready to leave and have the divorce papers almost ready. Honestly? She knew I was not the right man for her from the beginning.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

"....advice and input."

Kids are old enough, now? If so, get out yesterday. It'll hurt financially but you're young enough to start again. Once you're out of there, you may even find it exciting.

If you've got an attorney, you certainly know the financial consequences. The court will likely be looking at a long marriage with a non-working spouse. Good luck with the alimony claim. Do what you have to. What you described is way up there on the suck-meter.


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Yes, the youngest is 17 and I am 53. My attorney did mention the possibility of a lifetime maintenance to her but I seriously doubt it will happen because she is a hair dresser that has worked part-time from home and maintained her license. She can go out and work which is something she should have done years ago. Many people told me she was turning away new customers because she wanted her free time. We have always been financially strapped and I really needed more her from her, more than cutting a few heads a week from home. My Mom once told me years ago that if I stayed with this woman be prepared to work until my death for her. She was so right. I was fooled from the beginning into thinking she was going to partner up with me and save our money and retire someday. Instead she takes daily naps when the weather is bad or works outside in the garden when the weather is good or runs her so-called errands to Menard's or Home Depot. Sleep and leisure is high on her list of priorities. And the more I confronted these issues the more she did it. Yes, I was a pinata as Scarlet said and yes I should have left long ago but what kept me there were my kids. had I left 10 years ago she would not have cared for them properly. Seriously? She hardly ever thought about feeding them! One time I was working a side job on a Saturday and came home around 5 to find my then 6 year old and 4 year old daughters alone and my wife outside in the garden. I asked if they were fed and my oldest said no, but we fed ourselves some cereal and popcorn. UGH!!!! I better stop here.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

you say some of the stuff she did would horrify us,i doubt it,im interested to know,and boy would I love to hear her side of the story.From alls you have told us is she couldnt be botherd to clean up and empty the dryer.I would like to know more,that to me sounds like a very depressed woman,who needs to change her medication.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

I'm with Tracy. Your wife sounds like she is EXTREMELY depressed enough where she is non-functioning. No one wants to live like that.

If you want to get out of the marriage, I'm sure you can rationalize reasons why.

For the sake of your children, help her find professional help. She must first know that you care enough though about her well being or she will likely feel intimidated by your gesture. Be motivated for your children and her as a person.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Sometimes wives behave that way to make their husbands miserable. There's two sides to the story.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

I too would like to hear the other side;
this poor woman sounds like a textbook example of severe depression, the dismantling of her sense of self by a husband who is more coucerned by the undermining of his "authority" (you lit into her in front of the children & expected...what? sounds like the children were defending their mother), & maybe a side order of low thyroid hormone or maybe chronic fatigue.

She's been on anti-depressants for years, yet she still cannot clean the house or feed the children & she has even become disinterested in hairdressing, which is cheery *& which would get her out of her isolation*), & her partner is proud to say he "never physically abused her".

*Nobody* lives like this because she wants to;
there's always a reason.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Then, again, if you want to just throw stuff up.....maybe she is just a worthless slug.

Can't tell from cyber-distance but somebody's got to pay the freight along the way. Everybody's got problems, but the work still has to get done. Even if OP is telling a somewhat self-interested version, I think it's pretty clear he's been paying attention to that part of it and she hasn't. Why? Nobody here or there knows.

In any event, 24 years is long enough to evaluate, I think. If the kids are grown up, time to get on with the rest of your life. If it's with the person described, OK. If it's by yourself, OK. After what's been described, I'd be gone.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Haven't heard back from Nick about the advice and input he has gotten. I for one would be interested in his response.


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Yes, she is VERY depressed and is seeing a doctor for her meds. The doctor keeps prescribing the same medication and I wonder why if she is still depressed and dysfuctional. Some people here see it in a different light, so be it they have the right to their opinions. All I know is she has been offered help and has refused it in the past and up till now. I have worked very hard all my married life and she can't say the same because half the time she was depressed. Now I'm depressed. Well, again there's help out there and she got some help but it didn't work did it? I even asked her to try a different med also. So I get frustrated and show emotion anf God forbid any emotion because now I'm in the wrong? After an evaluation from a family counselor who said that I was in a double bind for so many years and this counselor has 2 PHD's. This is the counselor we saw on and off for 13 years and he said that our work ethics are miles apart and that she only loves when it's convenient and comfortable for her. Funny I remember hearing about her not wanting to be a martar like her Mom and my sister? So what did all this do to me? I became depressed and now take meds also. To those who may feel I am more in the wrong there is no convincing you at this point and honestly? I don't mind at all because everyone has different opinions and that's what I asked for in this forum. Thanks for ALL of your thoughts!


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Hey Tracystoke? If your 7 year old daughter got sick and vomited in her bed right next to where she sleeps, what would you do? Would you tell her to throw a towel over it and go back to sleep? That's what my daughter told me happened and where was I? I fell asleep in the family room and I sure as hell wish someone would have woke me up because I would have helped her! To me that was horrifying because I never heard of anything like that. Telling your precious child to throw a towel over it and sleep next to their own vomit? And I'm not buying any B.S. about depression and I will not except any other comment made to excuse this lack of responsibility. Depression or not, that is your child and responsibility.


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Frankly, with the level of neglect you claim, I don't understand why you didn't move out with the kids years ago.


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Wow...I think you've given it about as good an effort over the years as you possibly could have. I think I'd start the process of reclaiming my life and get out of there, arranging a joint physical custody situation at first...and then if it becomes evident that she can't take care of your child by herself, I'd try to get full custody. Telling a 7 yr old to go lie in a bed full of puke is beyond belief.

But in the end, it's about you.....if you cannot be happy in this situation, no matter how hard you've tried, you do have a right to get out. Just do it the right way....don't use it as an excuse to get involved with someone else before you are free and clear of the marriage, legally and more important, emotionally. As it stands you have more baggage than the belly of a 747...you need to get out, and work on yourself for a while (if that is what you chose to do) before you even think of dating...


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I notice how its always the kids that tell you these things,maybe she had been sick so many times there was no more bedding and she had thrown a towel over a wet patch.and as for not being fed,maybe they had been fed and they got some cereal just for a snack.Im still not horrified.If she was so bad,then why the hell would any decent father leave their kids with someone like that?


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Tell you what, I'm a good man, better than you think but no matter what I say your opinion will probably stay indifferent and probably won't change because men may be an issue for you or maybe you don't like hearing the direct truth. I am a realist and a straight shooter and I don't ginger bread or skirt issues like a polititian. Either way I am happy to hear from everyone and I thank all of you for your input!


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I d be gone yesterday Nick...No, I would not let my kid go unfed or sleep in vomit, I dont care how depressed she is,she was an incompetant mother, you waited it out and now its time to go. Was also in a really long term marriage with a mental that wouldnt help himself and I left, was close in age to you when I did my exit stratagy. Waited until kid in college. Was surprised at how great life was after that. Was terrified how the money was going to shake out, but then I realized no matter what, if I was left penniless, I would get back on my feet and survive somehow...Still amazed years later how things can turn around and get good again. Dont feel trapped, make plans and go..


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RE: Please Someone Advise

Depression can make people do crazy things but child neglect is no excuse, I agree Dotz. I will admit I do have faults but never neglected my kids like that. In fact, here is another story that Tracystoke will not find horrifying. My youngest girl was diagnosed with malnutrition at 8 months of age because my wife was breast feeding and had NO nutrients in her breastmilk. Well, that certainly horrified me! She was not preparing meals during the day while I was at work, instead she was eating junk food. My wife insisted that my daughter only be breast fed and no food. I went along with this because we had a neighbor she was friends with that successfully did the same thing except she was eating healthy. She belonged to a group called La Leche League? OMG, when my wife told me the doctor said our baby was undernourished I cried just as I am now writing this response to you and all that commented on my post. As a father who loves his children I could not bear the thought of my girl possibly having brain damage because of malnutrition. The first thing I did was RUN to the store and buy tons of ice cream and other food for her and immediately starting spooning food down her throat. The doctor said she had no fat and her brain may be starved hence the ice cream per his recommendation. I'm sure my wife did not do this voluntarily but she could have had more sense to eat better. Recently she has pleaded with me not to leave her and my heart does not want to let go but I am numb from this marriage. I am making plans to leave but I am not ready financially since I lost everything except my house including 20 months without a job. And I almost lost my house too. It cost me 22K on the back end of my loan to re-instate it. During the course of four years I went from having a healthy nest egg to practically nothing and with little support from my partner. But hey? I'm alive and healthy and there are other people who have it worse so I am thankful for what I have.


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What does horrify me is that knowing your wife's attitude to child rearing, why did you leave your children in her care for all those years?


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The attorney I saw 10 years ago said she was going to get the kids no matter what because of the Illinois laws. Even Mothers that cheated and had drug addictions get custody of their kids in Illinois. So I felt it was better to stay and care for the kids when I was not working and on weekends. That was better than a 50/50 joint custody. At least they had a chance when I was there. If the kids lived with her and I got visitation which is the best I could do in this Father forsaken state then I could not be there nearly as often and then they would have been neglected even more. Now they are grown except my youngest at 17 and she can take care of herself, if you know what I mean. I did not leave them in her care while I was home and again had we divorced 10 years ago she really would have had them all week without me there. Basically I was almost a single parent. This was the best I could do for my kids sake and I have no regrets and would do it again if I had to. Some people may be critical of my decision to stay under these circumstances, yet I think too many parents think of themselves and call it quits without thinking of their kids. I just could not do that to my kids.


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Its gonna sound like I am defending your wife again but as for the breastfeeding, i too breasfed and didnt produce enough milk ,and I WAS eating really healthy ,maybe she wasnt aware of it,I just think there is much more to this .why dont you show her this thread and let her have her say,you might find things out you never knew.Anyhow please dont let comments like mine upset you,only you and your family know what really went on.


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She had plenty of milk but the baby was not gaining weight. There is such a thing as common sense. As far as her say? I found out plenty of things and the result was we were worlds apart.


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