"He has no desire to make himself physically attractive and just DOES NOT CARE. Like I said, those actions are not depression. It's how his entire family is".

Those are EXACTLY the symptoms of depression... "not caring" and not showering, etc, is what depression is about for most people. Plus, the fact that it runs in his family only adds more fuel to fact that's he's proabbly suffering from depression because it often runs in families. It does not sound like just a bad habit to me; it sounds like the men in your husband's family suffer from depression. What am I missing? Normal, healthy people don't act like this. If it was habit, it would have been learned and practiced in childhood, not all of a sudden something that popped in in their 30- 40's (another thing that points to depression if you research it).

It also sounds to me his depression was exacerbated after learning about your affair and went form a low level chronic type a more major type with major mood swings, etc.

I can understand you falling out of love with a guy like this, but I really think you need to take a step back and realize that everything may be some what fixable. Most men will not seek threatment themselves for depression, but they may at the insistance of their wives. So, please do some real research on depression (I'm not sure what symptoms you are looking for but most men don't constantly cry) and talk to your husband about it and getting some help or at least talking to someone about it.

I don't think it is a good idea to make a rash decision about your marriage just because you have some money coming in. Why can't you just hang onto the money and keep it if/when you decide for sure if you want to leave? I just don't understand the urgency of having to leave now because of the money. A decision to divorce should be thoughtout, and generally not be made rashly.

Here's an article on depression... be sure to read the top quote where the man talks about not showering or brushing his teeth, and just not caring... You can find tons of info. on depression in men. Please don't rule it out.

Here is a link that might be useful: Depression

Falling in love again... sounds difficult now that he is no longer the person you recognise. I agree with carla35 on the depression issue, but you could also take a small active step on your own.

For now, putting aside your need to have your guy back right now, try reafirming your need for him, I mean HIM. You see, he needs an answer on how to keep you, all this need for sex and him using anger and craziness is to be more controlling of you, bottom line is he's scared.

Give him something that he can simply do that will please you and that will help him to feel needed and wanted, not vague like "I want US back.", too vague, say "I want to have dinner out today" or something, and if he says yes be openly happy.
Say "I want to see the hunk that used to _ _ _ _(fill in with something he used to do he knows pleased you).

Men need to be needed, not only for family and kids but for your personal needs, he sounds like he doesn't know what to do about those, so tell him, create situations for you to praise him, specifically about little every day things at first, and then when things start to relax as he regains his sense of understanding and therefore control, you can go on to talk about his physical appearance, and even the man you saw when you first fell in love with him.

Ten years seems like a long time, but is really short, and the kids don't need to see either of you fall apart any more than you already have.

I too believe that this marriage can be rekindled to something fulfilling, and now with the kids getting bigger, think of all the stuff you guys can enjoy and do now that there are no needy babies.

This is a tactic that I use to keep my guy knowing that I need HIM. Even though I sometimes lie about not being able to do some of what he does for me, he really feels like 'The Man' when he 'saves me' from some small trouble. I am able to praise him for this, and i get to look at my man so happily do what I need. It Helps every part of our relationship.

How is his relationship with the children ?

Is he capable of being a good father to them ?

Is your DH going to work ?

I know things seem really bad, and you have been in a tourmoil for a while now, and having 5 children to care for is a full time job.

I agree with Carla, well worth taking DH to a doctor. I am really surprised your counsellor did not pick that up and suggest a full medical evaluation.

I am not surprised you are feeling lost, and lonely, its a tough situation you are in.

Take small steps towards happier times...step one...visit a doctor with your husband.

I wish you all the best.

Ask your DH to do things, small tasks, like unstacking the dishwasher, just something easy, to get him into the habit of helping you. Say to him "I need help". Say this knowing what sort of help you need.

Perhaps this is a long shot, but have you seen those make-over shows for men? Perhaps it would help not only him, to see himself in a new way, but help you see him in a way that is appealing, perhaps even better than he was when you married him. I would imagine one of these shows would jump at the chance to do a make-over on someone like your husband, about to lose his wife, and there are 5 kids in the mix of this situation. Some of these shows will even put veneers on to repair the rotted teeth, and give him a beautiful smile.

And then, address the depression.

Depression sounds likely, but treating it isn't a magic bullet.

Even if you don't leave now, put that money someplace where he cannot get it.

I wish you the best.

I agree with Sylvia. Treating the depression is not a magic cure for your marriage. You don't love him and whether or not you fight in front of your children or not, they know what's going on and it's hard on them. I've been in a similar situation and I stayed 2 years after I should have left. In the end I ended up leaving anyways because you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

If you don't leave now, I agree with Sylvia again, put the money away where he can't get to it.

I wish you luck in this situation.

You know I reread your post, and the same thing keeps popping up on post after post here... and that is.. people seem to think their happiness is dependant on someone else. I am wondering how or why you think you'll be happy without your husband? Obviously, it's not just the recent outbursts, because you had the affair before that, so I take it the unhappiness has been around for a while. Are you hoping to meet someone else and live happily ever after with them, or do you think just having your husband out of the house will truly bring you happiness?

You have 5 small kids... I'm guessing all under the age of 9. That's a big responsibility to take on even as a couple, but as a single mom, wow -- are you sure you're up to it? I think it's sad that you are in a love less marriage, but considering your situation, I'm not really sure leaving him would be best for YOU, (don't kid yourself, you'll probably suffer more financially and emotionally than he will) and maybe that is what you are secretly afraid of. How will you even get them all to school and sporting events; what happens when someone is sick?

And one more thing, living with a chronically depressed person for years can leave spouses feeling angry and bitter and even cause depression in them. If you haven't been able to find happiness in things outside your marriage, (your kids, your friends, hobbies, etc) have you considered that you too may be depressed? . Just something to think about. I think just being in your situation would be enough to make almost anyone depressed.