Should I get divorce?

10 years ago

Hi all,

I'm very confused about my feelings to my husband. We got married 10 months after we have met. It has been 2 and half years since we got married. We got into Manu fights about money and recently too. I have a strong feeling we are different people. I don't want to have kids and be stuck with my husband as it will always connect us and I won't be able to leave my child. I was pregnant before and was really happy and in love, unfortunately I had miscarriage. My husband demands a baby now every day and is very sad that we don't have a child. I'm going to school and want to wait another 2-3 years. I'm 26 and he is 31. I have bigger goals and ambitions in my life whereas my husband doesn't share those goals with me. He is all about saving and doesn't even go out with me to have fun and only does it to make me happy.
I wonder if I med my real love? What is love? How do I know that the person who is sleeping next to me and wants the best for me and our family is the person who I can spend the rest of my life with? Do I accept him as he is or I should be strong and move on?
I have crush on other men all the time. I can't stop thinking about this guy who is married and have 2 kids, he is here alone. He tried to kiss me and I said not because I'm married and you too. I'm not a cheater but then this guy really makes me excited and I want him. I'm not a home wrecker. Please help me!
Should I get a divorce and move on with my life and explore things that I want to do? I feel like I got married so early not knowing that it's a huge responsibility. I'm not even ready to stay married now. I don't put my husband in first place. There is no sexual desire from my side ( I think of another men when we are having sex) I'm very sad and don't know if I would make the right decision by getting a divorce. I'm scared to be divorcee. Help help help!

Comments (11)

emma
10 years ago
If you get a divorce do not marry again until you mature a bit or you will be in the same situation again.
sherwoodva
10 years ago
uwgirl, you may be too young to be married and your husband may not be the right person. I agree that getting a divorce now is better than after you have children. Also agree with Emma, but will say it even stronger. While you are waiting for your divorce, you should be in therapy to help you figure out what went wrong so that you don't repeat it. You also should not be dating at all while waiting for your divorce. You don't want your husband to say you left him for another man. Give yourself time to heal and learn what is important to you.
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It might have more to do with your husband's, uh, neediness?, devotion?, obsession?, than with something being wrong with you. You dated in college, got engaged, *broke up*. One thought that occurs is that, since he "followed" you, you equated it with true love. so you got married. didn't work, so you *divorced*. but he was still around, & after all he was your child's father, so you re-married, & now you have another child. & now you're thinking about *divorce*. Maybe you're together now because he's persistent & you (like so many of us) find it hard to say no. Maybe you need some time alone, maybe some counselling alone, to see your own direction more clearly. I wish you the best.
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Hello all, I was surprised and happy to find even more responses to my post this morning. Lynn: my plan is to stay in our house until we can sell it. My husband wants me to leave, but I think that would be a mistake legally. I have read that the housing market is not project to swing upward until this time next year. If we sold now, we would lose alot of money. I feel that I can live with my husband as a roommate until I get what I need to move on financially. I would like to move closer to my job which is around Water Tower Place in downtown Chicago. It's expensive to live in Chicago. I will probably end up in a very small condo. If I can get around $150,000 out of our house, if I am lucky, I can find a very small condo in the south or west loop. My plan new is sit tight and get my health on track--start with Plaquenol therapy for ra. ekcs400: You are very right. I need my husband to FINALLY make his marriage a priority. He needs to know that I do not want to destroy his relationship with his son. I just don't want their relationship to destroy our marriage. Which is what has ultimately happened. Sadly, we are not friends. We cannot talk about these issues lovingly. Finedreams: I am glad to know that I am not the only woman who has repeatedly twisted herself into a pretzel for a man. My parents, good loving people, were not pro education. We were all on our own relative to that. I have a sister and three brothers. My sister and I were raised to marry a nice man and have children. I did not start college until my son was 3 months old. I went to weekend college at first, then got into a good art school and went full time during the day. It took me about 6 years to get my degree. Sadly, a few months later, I met my second husband, a med student...so then my life became about medical school and helping him through it. When it was time for residency, he would not stay in Chicago were my son was. He insisted on going to Boston to MGH. So, I got a job in Boston. My son was 14 years old at the time and he stayed in Chicago with his dad, step mom and siblings. He came out to spend summers with us. It was difficult but I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone. My husband left me, right before his residency ended, for a med student. They have a child together. He left her a few years later...for another woman. Sorry to babble. I am amazed at how much of my adult life has been wasted trying to please a man...just like you. Thanks to all for the support.
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mkroopy
10 years ago
"While you are waiting for your divorce, you should be in therapy to help you figure out what went wrong so that you don't repeat it."

Very wise words...the OP would be wise to listen, but probably won't. No one ever thinks they need to get themselves in a good place before they date....seen it a zillion times.

Oh and colorcrazy, you said "You don't want your husband to say you left him for another man", not sure if it is different from state to state or anything, but it likely has no bearing on anything. I am in NY, and my ex cheated on me 2X and for all practical purposes left me for the 2nd guy...my lawyer told me it has no impact on anything to do with the divorce, not division of assets, not alimony/child support (unless she married him eventually), not custody. Again, might not be the case everywhere, but I suspect many states are this way.

This post was edited by mkroopy on Sat, Jan 4, 14 at 16:44
LuAnn_in_PA
10 years ago
Yes... divorce, and do not remarry for a long time.
You have plenty of growing up to do.
suzieque
10 years ago
What happened to the guy you were pregnant by and so in love with? Were you married to him?

Your husband deserves more than what you are giving him (love, for one thing). Divorce him, grow up, consider another relationship only when you are prepared for it.
scarlett2001
10 years ago
Please be careful because once you have a baby, everything changes. I think you are smart to want to finish your education and have bigger plans for your future. Don't let another person take charge of your life, it's yours to live.
sylviatexas1
10 years ago
what scarlett says.

& don't let the snarky responses dampen your spirits.
joaniepoanie
10 years ago
Coming in late here, but what about marriage counseling first...for both of you? I would try everything before walking away...only then will you know you made the right decision. There might just be a chance here to save the marriage..but you will never know until you put some work in and get objective advice from a good marriage counselor.

Yes, you married too quickly and too young. DO NOT have children unless and until you are on totally solid ground within the marriage.

If you do decide to divorce....do not get involved with anyone for a long while. Focus on finishing school and and landing a job. Hopefully, by then you will have dones some maturing and will have a better chance of a successful relationship.
catlettuce
10 years ago
I'm with Scarlett and Sylvia.

You had a miscarriage and your husband demands a baby every day? That is horrible. I can see how that could change your feelings about your spouse. Yes, I would divorce. And finish school and follow up on your bigger plans in life.

Please do not have a baby right now. Figure out what it is you want to do and do it. Decide what it is you want out of a relationship and don't settle for less. Don't let anyone crush your dreams. Life is too short.

~Cat
AmericanaNY
9 years ago
Two things.

Yes, it sounds like you might have gotten married a little young.

You can stay married or get a divorce: either way, you will be okay.

That said, once you get over 30 or 35, you may want to have kids and get married again. You will probably find another guy just like your husband. Why not save yourself some trouble?

If he's a good guy, I say stick it out.

Marriage is difficult at any age.
musicteacher
9 years ago
You will never find a man who makes you happy. That is your job. Thousands of arranged marriages have turned out well not because of chemistry, but because two people were committed and made the best they could. Every marriage has ups and downs and if you get divorced just because you aren't excited any more, you will have many ex-husbands. It sounds like you have already checked out of your marriage though, and maybe your husband should be set free so he can find someone who wants him. Definitely before you have kids. If your troubles are financial I strongly recommend both you, together, take a personal finance class like "Financial Peace University." It has brought many couples together on financial issues and saved many a marriage.

Should I get divorce?

Comments (11)

emma

sherwoodva

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