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husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Posted by chittysp03 (My Page) on
Tue, Jan 14, 14 at 3:52

My husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We got married 2 yrs ago, and since we have been married our sex life has been going down the drain. I am very sexually attracted to him and I want for him all the time. He rarely touches me below the belt! I'm the one who always initiates. He claims that he just has a low drive, but I have porn on his phone. I have told him that I don't mind if he watches it as long as it benefits both of us. But he has been staying up after I go to bed and watching it and still not doing anything with me. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all! I know that he loves me very much. It really hurts when I am waiting in bed for him and he is sneaking and watching porn and when he comes to bed he doesn't touch me. Any advice?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

" It really hurts when I am waiting in bed for him and he is sneaking and watching porn and when he comes to bed he doesn't touch me." Have you told him this?

You really need to decide for yourself if this is a dealbreaker, and if it is, make that clear to your DH. Suggest he have a discussion with his doctor to see if there is an organic cause and if so, if it can be treated. Give him a time limit to do something and if he doesn't, follow through with your decision, otherwise this time next year you'll be posting the same thing.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I am no expert by any means, but I would think if your husband truly has a low sex drive he would not be interested in porn either. I think he needs to see a marriage/sex therapist to figure out why porn is turning him on more than you. He sounds emotionally and sexually immature...perhaps therapy can get to the root cause of his behavior.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

When we first got together the sex was great! It still is, when we do. I have tried many things to get him interested in me again. I feel as though he is not attracted to me. I have had 3 children and my body is far from perfect. When I see the women he is watching I feel like I could never compare! I have no idea how to deal with this issue. I have told him how I feel. He tells me that he is attracted to me, yet he never acts like he is. I am extremely attracted to him! He is the sexiest man ever in my eyes. My heart is breaking!


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Please urge him to seek counseling. A lot of men feel differently towards their wives after children--especially if they witnessed the births. After 3 children, your body will never be the same. A therapist can help him work through this.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I had 2 from a previous marriage. They are teenagers. We have a 3 month old together. I had to have a c-section. My body hasn't really changed much since we first met. I don't look like a porn star or anything, but I am a very good looking woman. I am very small. I am 4'11" and I weigh 117lbs. I am 34 and people think that my 15 yr old is my sister. I do have a lot of stretch marks! I got very large when I was pregnant. I feel uncomfortable naked around my husband because he treats me like I am just another guy in a locker room! I use to love taking baths with him! But now he doesn't even look at me in a sexual way. We use to fool around in the tub. Now he doesn't even touch me when we take a bath.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

First, stop blaming yourself/your body. That is probably NOT the problem. You need to get counseling - by that I mean, go with him to get counseling for him, HE has the problem, not you. If he is not willing to go, then he is not willing to make the relationship work and you need to know this.

Possible sources of his problem: some men have the Madonna Complex. Once their wives become mothers, the men can't feel sexy toward them anymore. (Elvis and Priscilla, for example.) Or there are a hundred other reasons, but until he opens up, you can only guess - and come up with the wrong answers. Time for a heart to heart talk w/ DH.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I already know that he will not get counseling. He is against it! My son meets with a counselor every week and my husband thinks that it is silly and a waisted of time. I try to get him to open up, but he acts like he is embarrassed.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Hmmm....if a guy could chime in for a minute...

Yes, if you have stayed fit and taken good care of yourself, everyone is right, please don't blame yourself, it likely has nothing to do with you, your appearance, your sexuality. There is a meme out there that says something like "for every hot girl out there, there's a guy bored with what he once would have killed for"...that pretty much sums it up for most guys. I am sure there are some who truly would rather sleep with his wife than someone else, if there were NO ramifications of any kind, and NO trusts broken, but I would estimate this at probably less than 1% of guys. Trust me, I know it's not what any women wants to hear, but for the vast majority of men (myself included), that's just the way it is. All the guys out there telling their wives "I only have eyes for you" are just telling them what they want to hear.

Assuming that a man is not going to cheat on his woman (yes we do exist), the ability to have constant access to HD porn these days makes it easy to 'act out on his fantasies' without technically cheating. I think years ago your only option would be to sneak magazines and hide them from your wife, or go to a "peep show" or X-rated cinema....and sorry, you couldn't pay me enough to go to one of those places if it's anything like it is portrayed in movies. Now a days you can watch X-rated stuff on your phone/tablet 24/7 if you wanted.

So....for the man who likes to, uhmm, "act out" on these desires, these days there must be the ability to control himself...not do it to the point of making it so it affects his real sex life. Yeah, the OP's guy does have a problem and it's likely NOT a low sex drive, and as for the "Madonna complex" mentioned above, I don't buy that, we men don't think that deep when it comes to our natural urges.... I think that's just a way of excusing ones' self for the "bored with what he once would have killed for" concept above.

If the OP cannot get him to see a counselor to discuss this, she might want to lay it out there to him directly...tell him that his constant porn is causing her major issues and the marriage is not working for her due to it. I cannot speak for all men, but I know a lot of us appreciate when women just lay it out there and let us know where we stand with things, rather than beat around the bush (no pun intended...lol).


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Found it! LOL!

 photo hot-chick-beside-every-hot-chick-is-a-guy-completely-bored-with-what-he-once-would-kill-for_zps028833bb.jpg


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

So are you telling me that he is probably bored with me? He turns down oral sex, he says that he is tapped out if we had already had sex that week. If this is the case, that he no longer wants me, then my marriage is already over! I love and want him. Believe it or not, he is my fantasy! I have never felt so aroused by anyone. I love to pleasure him. It's killing me inside. I will keep trying to talk to him, but he usually gets defensive. I just don't want to be in a relationship with no sex. He is very loving towards me. He treats me great, he shows affection, and cuddles with me. He just doesn't like having sex with me!


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Well, clearly, unless something changes on your husband's part, you're going to continue being in a relationship with no sex. And you need to decide if that's the dealbreaker. If it is, you need to tell him.
"Honey, I can't go on being in a sexless marriage. It undermines my self esteem and makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. If we can't fix this by...(date)... I'm out the door." And do it. Men don't believe words, they believe actions.
There are other fantasies out there.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

We have sex. Just not very often and he acts like it's a chore. There have been many times that he can't finish. He says that it's not me, it's him. I don't want to leave him! I don't even want to threaten that. That would hurt him very badly! How do I get him to help me with fixing this problem without counseling? He is a closed person when it comes to this subject. I'm his wife and he doesn't like to talk about this with me! I feel like it's just going to get to the point where all he does is take care of it with porn and have nothing to do with me! I'm considering moving into our spare room just to get him to miss me and want for me to be in the bed with him.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

One option is this....you can always tell him that since you love him and don't want to leave him, but do have needs that are not being met, if he can't figure out "his problem", with or without counseling, the only option you will have is to satisfy these needs elsewhere.

Whether or not you would ever follow through on the threat is not important at this time, you will definitely get his attention. And his response might tell you a lot about where he is with your marriage.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I know that I could never be interested in satisfying these needs elsewhere. He is what I want. It's so hard for me to go to bed and be next to him wanting him so bad that it is painful! I am going to try the spare room. I am feeling so badly about myself. It's easier to cry myself to sleep when he isn't next to me.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

That's just an avoidance approach that will solve nothing other than to make your current situation a bit more tolerable, on a day-to-day basis. If you take that approach, without also trying to tackle the issue on some long-term basis...it will never get any better.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

According to him, there is nothing wrong! I just tried to get him to talk to me. I feel like I am just going to be unhappy. If he won't admit that there is a problem, how can we fix it? Is this what my life is going to be? Am I going to have to accept that I am going to be this unhappy and feel so unattractive forever? Should I just leave and find my own happiness? I don't know that I could ever be happy without him. I feel stuck and helpless. All I want is for him to want for me. Maybe there isn't a problem with him. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am unattractive to him and he just doesn't want to be honest and tell me. I don't want him to feel like he is stuck with me. That he has to be with someone he is no longer interested in. I don't want him to be unhappy.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Not trying to be mean or insensitive or anything, but when I read your posts, to me the scream of someone who could probably use some therapy herself. You might consider that, if you do make the decision to stay with someone who is not giving you the affection you want.

I am not a mental health professional or anything, but the things you are saying ("I could never be happy without him", "Maybe it's me", etc.) make me feel like you might have some serious self-esteem issues. Those are things a 14 year old girl says when her BF dumps her, not a mature, confident self-sufficient adult.

I love my GF of 6 years dearly...but if it didn't work out for some reason, I'd be sad, but eventually move on and look for happiness in life regardless. Whether it involves another woman or not is not important. My happiness can only come from me....sure it is nice to share it with someone, but it is not a requirement for me to be happy.

Again, not trying to be insensitive, just telling you what I am hearing from your posts.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Like I said, maybe it is me. If he feels that nothing is wrong, maybe I am just insecure with myself. I just can't understand why he has interest in porn and not me. Thank you for all of your input. Mkroopy, if I didn't want honesty, I would not have posted on a forum. I didn't think you were mean. I am going to be meeting with my son's counselor once a week for my own therapy. We will see where I am this time next year! Hopefully my husband will want for me again.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

That's a step, anyway. Can't hurt.

The reason your DH says there is no problem is because HE has no problem, so therefore, all is just fine. Never mind YOUR pain and rejection.

I think ColleenOz and Mkroopy are right on. But if you don't think so, oh, well, another woman throws herself on the altar of "love". (Who brought the matches?)


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Like I said, maybe it is me. If he feels that nothing is wrong, maybe I am just insecure with myself. I just can't understand why he has interest in porn and not me. Thank you for all of your input. Mkroopy, if I didn't want honesty, I would not have posted on a forum. I didn't think you were mean. I am going to be meeting with my son's counselor once a week for my own therapy. We will see where I am this time next year! Hopefully my husband will want for me again.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Sweetheart, listen to yourself. You're making excuses for your husband's sh!tty behaviour, because he tells you there's nothing wrong. (As Scarlett said, HE has no problem, so from his POV there is no problem.) And ignoring a wife's pain, and refusing to discuss serious, relationship-threatening issues with her, in favour of what is essentially an affair with the internet, is sh!tty behaviour.
What a controlling creep he is. He's got you right where he wants you, under his thumb where he can do whatever he wants, and you will think everything he does must be right, and if you don't think it is, well then, that's your fault somehow.
You "don't want him to be unhappy." You don't want to "hurt him very badly." What about _your_ wants and needs? Why are you putting up with unhappiness, poor self esteem and "crying yourself to sleep" to avoid hurting _his_ feelings, when his behaviour is the source of that unhappiness?
You say that otherwise he loves you, but does he _truly_ love you when he is seemingly OK with your unhappiness, and refuses to do anything to change that? Occasional, grudging sex that he implies is a "chore" is _not_ loving.
When he tells you, "it's not you, it's him", believe him! There's something wrong with him, he knows it, he's not going to discuss it and he believes if he pretends that all is well it will be. Well, it's not. He needs to bite the bullet and do something towards fixing the problem. He is _not_ unique. Whatever ails him is probably also happening to thousands of other men out there.
If you don't believe there's someone else out there you could love as much, you're mistaken.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

Well, whatever is wrong, I worry that there is no fixing it. I was in a very unhappy marriage for 11yrs before I met my now husband. I told him yesterday that I will not do it again! When I started getting my spare room ready yesterday he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I will not sleep in a bed with someone who makes me feel like I am very unattractive. That I would rather sleep alone then be rejected. He told me that he loves me and that he is attracted to me. I told him that he can tell me that a million times but his actions don't reflect that. He doesn't want me to sleep in a separate bed. I told him that if he has a low drive issue, then he needs to get help. We will see. He doesn't want to admit that it is something else that is the problem.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

My sister left her husband because he was watching porn. Eventually she got an apology, she went back and it never happened again.

I know people won't approve of this concept but I would not allow it in my home either. It is an insult to the wife/girlfriend and it's degrading to every woman in the world whether they are in the movie or not. When you watch it you are promoting it.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

There is really a bigger issue here: how do women get so brainwashed? Why do we put up with so much for the sake of "love"?? I look around, I could name you at least a dozen women I know who are accepting a miserable life for the sake of this do-anything-for-love thing.

Sometimes I wonder if we have really come as far as we like to think.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I think it is mostly uneducated woman who don't think they have any options and a few who "love him". Also some people are simply weak and will not stand up for themselves and their kids. I have a son that is weak he sat by and watched his wife blow his pay check instead of paying the mortgage rather than stand up to her. He lost him home and his savings went to the mortgage company for what they lost. His father was the same way. I feel so sorry for the children involved because they will grow up thinking it's a normal way to live.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

The thing that gets me is when people (usually women, but also men) go on about the issues and how the spouse treats them, etc., and they continue to say how much they love that spouse and can't imagine being without them. What the heck is to love??? They treat you like sh*t and you love them? Very, very sad.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I think love sometimes gets all mixed up with dependency issues. The more secure and confident a person is, the less they are willing to put up with being made miserable.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

That's not the case here. If anything he is dependent on me. He is disabled and can't work. The role is reversed. He stays home with the baby and I go to work. Over the past few days we have talked a LOT! He's bored and it is right at his finger tips. I told him how it makes me feel. He said that it will never happen again. And I believe him. I think he felt ashamed and I know that he doesn't like seeing me hurt. He has been talking with a good friend of ours. He doesn't know that I read everything that they talked about. His ego is so small. He is secluded from the would. I know that feeling. I was in a marriage that was terrible! I had no license no education and he moved me away from my family when I was 16. I'm going to start having him take me to work so that he doesn't feel trapped. I truly think he doesn't understand the female mind. Who really does! Lol. Last night when I got home he snuggled with me and told me that he is sorry for hurting me. I don't think it will happen again! I told him that I will not do this again. If it happens again I'm done.


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

"I truly think he doesn't understand the female mind. Who really does!"

Understatement of the year...lol!


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RE: husband shows no interest in me yet sneaks and watches porn

I'm happy for you, that you have taken the first step of communicating. I'm thinking that some counseling would also be a big help in keeping that door open.


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